It was mid-2006 when I saw her the first time and carefree as I was, I didn’t pay any heed to her. The only thing I recall is that she was wearing a white top and lip-gloss. In time we became friends. Best buddies.
Times changed. Feelings changed. I wanted to hold her hands forever. I had fallen in love with her. The connection was strong, so without any second thoughts I proposed to her. She rejected me.
Of course, I was hurt! It was the first time I had cried in love, but I didn’t force my feelings on her; for love should be free of pressure and full of freedom. She stopped talking to me. We stopped meeting. Our friendship also flickered.
My friends told me that I did not deserve her. Does love have anything to do with the word ‘deserve’, I thought. I began to sketch her and writing songs for her. At times I wrote long letters, but I never sent them to her. With a sanguine dream, I moved on.
I tried hard to do what I could, to win her heart. I topped the first term at the University. My parents were proud, but then they were not the ones I had done it for. And the one I had been giving my best for, she was unaware of my pursuit. So I decided to do something bigger.
I read all the letters I had written for her. I collected the movies I had seen, the music I had heard, the books I had read, the sufferings I had been through, pain that had transformed me, love that I never had, and life I had never lived in hope of a better tomorrow. I transmuted all into words. That is how my first daughter, A Feeling Beyond Words, was born. I had taken out my entire heart and simply put it on paper.
My parents were even happier this time. People who were strangers until then had started praising me in mails and social networks. Soon the book became a bestseller. Confident as I was, feeling happy, elated and hopeful, I bestowed the book on her.
“Look, I am already in a relationship with someone. He loves me, and I love him too. His family has accepted me, and my family knows him well. It’s final, I am his,” she said.
I am his! – This killed me. Right then. Right there. It stabbed deep inside my heart.
I was ravaged to face the bitterest reality of life that while I was writing a book for her she was planning her future with someone else.
I didn’t see her after that rainy day. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years. We remained out of touch. Then one day, I learnt that mid-November 2016 she would get married to the one she had told me about on that rainy day.
To live, not only breath but reason too is needed. Losers who lose purpose get into a search for a reason. I decided to follow my pursuit. As a result, I left home to travel the world, explore the undiscovered, and pen down my heart. In the process, I wrote my second book, Love & Peace, dedicating it to her, wishing for love and peace, always.
I had lost my purpose and myreason was obscure. But my heart was certain. It continued to beat for the heart of the woman it had met ten years ago. It’s me who is lost. There have been and still are times when thoughts cross my mind whether she is doing fine in life, that she is content. Or would she ever learn that though she’s married, yet I love her!
I don’t believe that if we are not together or couldn’t be, it means I can’t love her. I believe that some feelings are embraced and others are not, but what matters the most is the passion and honesty with which we love. I love her! Though unrequited, I have managed to love her for a decade, now I shall love her for a century.
Sreemoyee Basu has a similar inspirational story to tell of one-sided love and what she gained from it.