Counselling

How do I show my love to a married man, when he has a loving wife?

he is just using me for sex and not letting me go with another man either. What do I do?
close up of a pretty girl

Question:

Hello ma’am,

I am having an affair with a married man, he has a loyal wife and 2 children. He fell in love with me 2.5 years ago. His marriage is 12 years old. When we first met, he told me that though I have a family I have my own life too. But now when I ask him about our future, he says he can’t leave his family, because of his kids. I understand that and I accept it… but he wants sex and he wants me to stay with him on his terms. His wife is aware of our relationship. I have stopped having sex with him because I think he wants only that from me. When I ask what about my life, he says that he has thought of something. But he won’t leave his family. Even if I accept that, he treats me badly. I had one relationship in between, after the first 6 months, but he ruined that by telling the other man that I had slept with him and that I was a prostitute. Though that guy fought for me then, but he didn’t accept me back! 🙁 because it is obvious that nobody wants a person like me.

When I ask him, if you can’t leave your family, then you have to take a decision, he snaps and says, “What do you want me to do?” He knows he is doing wrong. He asks me whether I can live without him. This is not done. Once in anger he said, “Fine! I choose my wife”. But then, for days later he blamed me for everything. He doesn’t accept my past either. He sleeps with his wife also, when I ask him about it, he says “I have needs”. I just want a life and not to be someone’s sex slave. If I say I will leave him he calls me ‘dhokebaaz’. He makes me believe that I am wrong. I don’t know for what I am wrong. He says he will stay 3 days with his wife and 3 days with me in few years. Now we both don’t have a stand for staying. His wife fought with me and also said bad things for my parents. That hurt me a lot. He says his wife told him to tell me to not eat her head. He also blames me and compares me with his wife and tell me that she is very nice.

I am really feeling screwed. How do I show love when he has a loving wife?

Related reading: A guide on why women should not shy away from sex

Prachi Vaish says:

What have you got yourself into, my girl? My heart goes out to you for being stuck in such a mess! First of all I want you to stop regretting getting into this relationship, because at the time that you did so, you really believed in love. Even the best of us get defeated as far as reason and logic are concerned, when it comes to love. So that was okay. I want you to stop going over that in your head. But now things are different.

You must understand that he is keeping you because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. What he did with your other relationship is unacceptable. I can understand jealousy and possessiveness, but if someone is truly in love, he will never smear their partner’s character, ever. Respect comes foremost in love and if he can call you a prostitute (even if he says it was because he wanted you back) then he doesn’t respect you young lady! He does not respect you at all. It is very clear that he is keeping you as his backup. If he’s calling you dhokebaaz for leaving him, let him! Him saying it doesn’t make it true does it? He called you a prostitute too, did you become one? No, right? He’s using passive aggressive techniques to guilt you into staying. DON’T fall for them!

man abusing woman silhouette
Image source

Related reading: He kissed me on my forehead and I felt alive again

Also, I need you to take care of the practical aspects of leaving him, very smartly. Don’t tell him straight away that you’re leaving. First take stock of all your pictures, letters and any other incriminating evidence he might have on you and try to get your hands on it. Get rid of it as much as you can. If he is vindictive, he’ll come after you after you’re gone. He will want to ruin your future relationships. Remember, his wife and he are in a socially sanctioned relationship and they have that on their side and if word gets out, she’ll be glorified for being so tolerant and you’ll be the named the homewrecker. You can’t take that chance. When it’s time to leave, try to keep it drama free. Broach the subject strongly and firmly, without raising your voice. Clearly quote the reasons that make you feel like this relationship has run its course. Stop yourself from getting drawn into vindictive or sarcastic hurtful discussions. Respond to his snide remarks with gentle silence and say that you can understand that he too feels hurt but it’s time for you to move on.

Come what may, just stick to your ground. It will be a little tough and will take a while, but you must do it. I know you can! If you need help through it, get in touch with me here, I’ll help you through the process.

All the very best! Please take care.
Prachi

Related reading:

Why accepting a date is NOT an invitation to rape

I cheated on my loving husband and am thinking of continuing the affair

—–

To contact Prachi Vaish for free advice/counselling, use the form below

Your Name (required)

Your Email (required)

Subject

Your Message

Published in Counselling
Facebook Comments

4 Comments

  1. Hey Girl you know that you been screwed up & that’s a fact ,get it into your head , first of all when you knew the guy is married & having a family you should have step back . I feel pitty on you coz now you have “feelings” for a man who can’t be yours & he is all settled with his family even after ditching his wife, Girl it’s painful for any wife to know the fact that her Man is having an affair with another woman ,you better buzz off from their life coz you can have No future with him , his wife & kids would hate you. You are in a mess no doubts,my suggestion is to leave him without even telling him & just don’t listen to his words like “Dokhebaaz” bla bla ,am not saying he is right any where , that man too is a big jerk , but believe me leaving him will save your life for a better future .

  2. I’m also suffering from the same situation the man first makes me fall in love and now is saying I love my wife too she is a nicest person now he has a baby when I talk to him he said I have my other responsibilities too why you always bother me talk regularly I will do marry to you but we will not reveal it to the society I love him badly though I know that will not get anything in return but still not able to forget him since he never misbehaved with he seems to be caring and always keep on saying that I will take permission from your family without telling them the exact situation and everything will be fine in 1_ 2 of marriage that everyone will accepts us

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Send this to a friend