If you are married to a sexaholic – you feel it in your guts
Being married is all about transparency. You have married your darling and seem to know everything about him. But what happens when you discover they are living a double life covering up their sexual addiction? Far from the thought of actually happening, there are cues and obvious signs that you might avoid. So what if they are masturbating six times a day or watching cyberporn in the dead of the night? These cues over a period of time tame us and we see the naturalness of the situation. It becomes something your spouse does and because you love them till death do you part, you go by it.
That is probably where the nagging feeling exaggerates over time. When confronted, you might be made to believe that you are paranoid. Partners of sexaholics often question their perspective and lay off their partners. A comforting hug and assure you that they are not having any untoward sexual urges might put you at ease; until you start noticing the same pattern of behaviour that throws you off your game again. They are masters in deflecting negative comments about their addiction and your rebuttal will make you think you are the one who is worrying too much.
Sex addicts know and are often ashamed of their urges. But they are addicts and like a meth-head drawn to methamphetamine, they are drawn towards sex like an instinct.
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Signs that show you might be married to a sex addict
1. You will know what you need to know when you bring up the topic
Talking to them will clear things up. If they dismiss it suspiciously and accuse you of being mistrustful and dodge the confrontation in angry rebuttals, you have a red flag right there. Your partner, if they love and respect the relationship, after your talk, will provide the necessary proof – phone history, computer logs etc. – to clear all your concerns. If they assure you by only words and offer to console you with a kiss or a hug and are reluctant to hand over their gadgets over to you, that’s a red flag as well. Do not ignore it. Asking them if they are sex addicts can cause them to react angrily, dismissively and accuse you of being paranoid – all cues point to him actually being one.
2. Secretive about their gadgets
Their phones are always kept on silent mode. You are not allowed to use their phone and if you ask for it, they become too dodgy. They take a minute on the phone to delete any proof before they hand it to you. Their laptops are off limits and they never leave their gadgets lying around. These are the signs of them cheating on you. It could also be porn stashed in folders and numbers of people saved in their gadgets that they don’t want you to know about.
3. You catch them in a lie
Since they have a double life going on, lying becomes inherent. They may lie about where they were, why they always take their phone to the bathroom – there are lies in everything. The fact that he/ she is a compulsive liar is a solid sign.
4. Controlling during sex
Sex addicts do not care if you climax or enjoy the sex or not. Their primary concern is their pleasure and they get it in any way they can. They are sexually controlling and you might end up feeling like a paid whore than a partner.
5. Masturbates even after sex
Even after you had sex an hour ago, you find them pleasing themselves on the couch now. This might be a hit on your self-esteem and you might end up thinking your partner does not find you attractive anymore but this is not about you. If your partner is constantly compulsively masturbating, it is because he is addicted to sex.
6. Prefers to stay home alone
They don’t mind if you go off to have a night out with your pals. In fact they encourage it. Being home alone means he/she can look through porn and please themselves as much as they want. Or even worse, pay someone to get them off when you are not around.
7. You feel it in your guts
You might think you are crazy or being irrational but a gut feeling is right. You choose to ignore the signs in your head but in your guts you know you are right about it. You know your partner better than anyone else in his life and if you think your partner is a sexoholic, they probably are.
8. Deflects your concerns about them
He/she dismisses your concern about them masturbating all the time, angrily refuses to answer your concerns and makes you seem like the paranoid jerk.
9. Cheats on you
They might be Class A cheaters but sex addicts have sex with random people not because they are unhappy in a relationship, but they need it and they get it anyway they want. Cheaters will find sort of a fulfillment in having an affair, sexoholics cheat physically on their partners because they are addicted to sex. For them, it is about pleasing the flesh. They might have 3-4 people aside with whom they have a sexual relationship.
Partners of sex addicts need to talk to their partners and if they need help, there are counsellors and therapists who specialise in helping sex addicts. It is a curved process and won’t happen in a week, but help will always be given to people who ask for it. If your partner is willing to seek help, it will help both of you and the relationship.