18 Subtle Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship

Trust, love, and security are key elements in healthy relationships and make you feel whole. But if you often find yourself telling yourself “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure in my relationship” or “My insecurities are ruining my relationship with my girlfriend” and if your love life is starting to feel like a chore, you need to make sure you aren’t turning out to be paranoid for no reason. You also need to watch out for some subtle signs of insecurity in a relationship.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every friend your partner has seems like a threat, every minute you spend apart needs to be accounted for by them, and every joke your partner makes is considered an attack? If this describes your relationship, you can be sure that you’re probably feeling insecure in a relationship.

In this article, we’ll take a good look at the signs of insecurity in a relationship with the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert. And how can such insecure feeling in relationship be addressed? We’ll look at that too. So let’s begin.

Why Am I So Insecure In My Relationship? 5 Possible Reasons

So, what’s insecurity meaning in relationship? If you tend to think your partner is trying to break up every time they answer your texts late, it’s possible that you may also be cribbing to a friend, “My insecurities are ruining my relationship.” Now, your partner may have genuine reasons for not being able to reach out to you in time. And it doesn’t mean they’re cheating on you. But you find yourself being unreasonably anxious and worrying if they’re ending the relationship. We’re sorry to break it to you, you may be suffering from unhealthy levels of relationship insecurity.

So, do you often find yourself asking, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?” Well, you need to figure out what exactly is the underlying cause of this insecurity. Jaseena explains where it stems from. “When someone is nurturing some sort of insecurity, to begin with, they’re bound to project it onto their relationship, which leads to thoughts like, “My partner makes me feel insecure”. The relationship insecurity could be due to past experiences of rejection from parents or a previous partner.

“It can also exist because they might have experienced infidelity, and though the insecure partner has forgiven the cheater, they find themselves incapable of trusting them fully.”

Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Present Relationship

And there can be multiple reasons behind this. We have provided 5 such valid reasons that can cause you to become excessively insecure:

• Low self-esteem: When you lack self-worth, you tend to believe you aren’t good enough for anyone or any decent relationship. And that brings in relationship insecurity. So, if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, you will tend to doubt your partner or wonder, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure.”
• Social anxiety: If you’re suffering from social anxiety, you will tend to avoid social interactions, such as parties and events. This causes a lot of relationship insecurities, as in turn, you will doubt your partner’s interactions and intentions when they are out socializing
• Fear of being rejected: If you’re scared of rejection, you will end up amplifying your own insecurities even if there’s a hint of negativity from your partner’s end. A lot of this fear of being rejected stems from a lack of self-esteem and it brings in a lot of symptoms of insecurity in a relationship

• Past relationship trauma: If your past experiences in romantic relationships have been negative and you’ve dealt with an abusive partner or a partner who cheated, you’re bound to suffer from relationship insecurities stemming from the emotional baggage of your previous relationships
• Childhood issues: Attachment theory has a huge role to play in this case. Parental neglect and emotional distance in childhood, especially when you may have needed emotional support, may contribute to insecure attachment styles, namely avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment styles. Of these, those with the anxious attachment style tend to be the most visibly insecure in the relationship

Related Reading: Insecure Husband – 14 Ways To Deal With Him And 3 Tips To Help Him Out

18 Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship

So, what is insecurity in relationship? I guess there’s no one answer to this. There are multiple factors that qualify as ‘relationship insecurity’. Let’s look at an example. My neighbors David and Anna had been going out for 4 months. Before they made things official, David’s ‘hopeless romantic’ persona blinded Anna into thinking that he was probably the sweetest man she had ever come across. Pretty soon, the constant calling and compliments went from cute to suffocating, and she started feeling like she was walking on eggshells.

Every time she went out without him, David wouldn’t stop texting. He looked at every friend she made as a threat. If a day went by without saying those three words, he convinced himself she never loved him in the first place. David was definitely a classic case of someone feeling insecure in a relationship. When feelings of insecurity in a relationship plague your mind as they did with David, it’s important to spot the signs as early as possible. Let’s take a look at a few subtle signs:

1. Your relationship feels like you’re on 60 Minutes

“One of the clear signs of insecurity in a relationship is when there are a lot of questions asked. Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who are you going with? How do you know him? What were you doing at that time? After a while, it feels like you’re constantly being interrogated.

“While they may shrug it off as them caring for you, their queries are always accompanied by a suspicious tone,” says Jaseena. Surprisingly, constantly asking questions, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just a sign of female insecurity in a relationship. Insecurity has no gender, and the suspicious questions that follow almost always lead to conflict.

Related Reading: Husband Has Trust Issues – A Wife’s Open Letter To Her Husband

2. Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable jealousy in relationships can be a major sign of insecurity. Imagine a scenario where it doesn’t matter if one partner talks to a friend, a family member, or a colleague, but if there’s attention being given to anyone but the insecure partner, all hell breaks loose. My friends Rick and Ashley always had trouble with jealousy and insecurity in their relationship.

No matter who Rick talked to, Ashley always wanted to know about each message he received, what he was talking about, and what his history with this person was. As a result of her prying ways, Rick did not feel like sharing the minute details of his life with her. This only ended up causing a larger rift, eventually leading to a split, all because the symptoms of insecurity in a relationship weren’t addressed in time.

3. You seek reassurance

It’s cute to talk about the future and tell each other how much you’re in love, but after a point, the manic repetition gets worrisome. “One of the signs of insecurity in a relationship is when the insecure partner is constantly looking for reassurance. They’re probably always saying things like “I hope we will always be together” or asking “Do you love me?”

“When the reassurance is questioned, for example, when the partner realistically talks about any problems they might have, it causes a lot of relationship anxiety for the insecure partner,” says Jaseena. The signs of an insecure person in a relationship include one person always fearing that they’re going to lose the other. As a result, they’re constantly looking for reassurance.

Related Reading: How Can I Overcome Feeling Insecure In Relationships?

4. You’re always keeping tabs on your partner

“You can bet your bottom dollar that an insecure partner will feel the need to check their partner’s phone, keep an eye on their social media, and even call their friends to ask them what they’ve been up to. It’s as though they’ll be cross-checking what their partner told them,” says Jaseena.

“My partner makes me feel insecure because he talks to all of his ex-girlfriends. I asked him to show me his conversations with them. He obliged but wasn’t thrilled about it. It led to a huge fight about my trust issues, and I can’t say I feel any better after it,” Stephanie, my 25-year-old artist friend, said while talking about her constant fights with her boyfriend. 

5. ‘Quality time’ goes overboard

“One of the biggest signs of insecurity in a relationship is that the insecure partner will ask for a lot of time together. They’ll term it as ‘quality time’, but they’re just making sure that their partner is with them and nowhere else. But even when two partners are together, insecurity issues will crop up,” says Jaseena.

At the start of a new relationship, it’s understandable that you’d want to spend all your time with your partner. But if your idea of being in a loving bond with someone means being with them 24/7, you may be the insecure one in the relationship.

Related Reading: 10 Signs You Are A Clingy Boyfriend

6. You’re easily offended

In every healthy relationship dynamic, there’s a lot of banter involved. You may make fun of the way your partner says a certain word or the fact that they thought New Mexico was the capital of Mexico (it’s Mexico City, by the way). But problems arise when you can’t take a joke your partner cracks casually and create a scene unnecessarily.

“An insecure person doesn’t take jokes or criticism very well. They feel attacked and take everything very personally. For example, if you tell them about an annoying habit they have, they might just snap back at you by saying, “Why don’t you like anything about me?” This might make it feel like every conversation turns into an argument,” says Jaseena.

7. You apologize too much

With the fear of losing a partner comes the fear of conflict. If a person feels insecure in a relationship, they’re terrified of upsetting their partner all the time. When you think along the lines of “I know my boyfriend loves me but I am still left feeling insecure in relationship,” you can bet it’s going to be followed by “I’m so sorry I feel that way. I hope you don’t get upset.”

Related Reading: 13 Ways To End An Argument Without Apologizing And End The Fight

Are you the kind who thinks your partner is angry because you didn’t add an exclamation mark to the “Hey” you sent them? If you’re always assuming they’re angry and are always apologizing for the smallest of things, it’s a huge sign of insecurity in a relationship.

8. You’re always looking for compliments

Compliments and words of affirmation are great, no doubt, but an excess of anything can be lethal for a relationship. If you’re feeling insecure in relationship, you probably wouldn’t give yourself any compliment. Instead, you’ll be constantly looking for validation from your partner. So, you will probably find yourself asking your partner “What do you like about me? Are you sure you love me?” every other day. This is probably because you don’t think too highly of yourself.

9. You’re stalking your spouse’s exes on social media

You know you’re insecure when you end up stalking your partner’s exes desperately on social media. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t in touch with your partner, but you end up comparing your life and appearance with theirs. This stalking nature can actually go out of hand too.

For instance, one of my friends, Ryan, had a terribly insecure partner, Julie. Ryan was a photographer and was almost always surrounded by pretty models. Julie would often stalk Ryan’s clients on social media. She went to the extent of adding them up on Instagram and Facebook, striking up friendships, exchanging phone numbers, and then meeting them to ask them to stay away from her husband. This was toxic and almost ruined Ryan’s career, till he decided to part ways with Julie.

Related Reading: Why Am I Stalking My Ex On Social Media? – Expert Tells Her What To Do

10. You try and control them

At times, insecurity can manifest as controlling behavior in relationships. So, you may not own up and say, “I feel insecure in my relationship” but become a control freak instead, invading your partner’s personal space.

In fact, when you’re constantly scared that you may lose your partner, you start controlling their actions. So, you would now set limits, such as ‘no late-nights’, ‘no keeping in touch with exes’, and ‘mandatory sharing of passwords’. You don’t even allow them to enjoy any alone time.

11. You start avoiding them

Though it may seem that an insecure person always ends up being too clingy and nagging, it appears some insecure people tend to also avoid their partners. So, if you have an insecure-avoidant attachment style, you may end up avoiding your partner or staying aloof just to protect yourself from being abandoned or hurt.

Related Reading: Avoidant Attachment: Causes And How it Affects Relationships

12. You try to overachieve

One of the signs of an insecure person in a relationship is that they tend to become an overachiever. This may sound weird but trying to ‘one-up’ in every area of your life may be a sign that you’re in desperate need of validation from your partner and are turning into an attention seeker. So, you may be in constant need of being the top performer at work or the best in bed.

13. You resort to unhealthy behaviors to seek attention

When you’re insecure, one of the first things you do is seek attention. So, you’ll start ‘feeling unwell’ just before her girls’ night out or you’ll have to cut his phone call with his colleague in the middle to ask them how you’re looking in your favorite dress. Here are some more such instances:

• You make raunchy or socially unacceptable comments on your partner’s social media photos, to keep your SO’s other potential partners at bay
• You often tell them how you feel you aren’t looking good — that you’ve gained weight or need a new haircut, just to hear them say that you look just fine
• You post too mushy couple selfies on social media, sometimes even if your partner isn’t comfortable with it

14. When you’re always right

It’s believed that one of the reasons for a superiority complex is a deep-seated inferiority complex. Likewise, when you claim you’re always right in the relationship, you’re actually showcasing your inability to accept criticism. And that’s a trait of insecurity.

Related Reading: 12 Signs You Are Dating Someone With A God Complex

15. You’re the pessimist

If you’ve been called the ‘killjoy’ in the relationship, chances are you’re quite insecure. If you always spoil your partner’s mood by bringing in a negative experience that you’ve had whenever they have some good news to share, you may be a highly insecure partner.

Here are some instances:

• They may be upbeat about a promotion they’ve got, but you end up dragging in an old tale on why you’ve been feeling bad about how they once tried to flirt with your friend
• They want to go out for lunch on a Sunday, but you cancel it, citing that the last time you went out, you suffered from food poisoning
• You plan things way too much in advance, because you’re insecure that something might go wrong if you plan it later. So, the spontaneity of surprise dates and sudden travel plans is gone

16. You hide your emotions

If you tend to be a secretive person and don’t reveal your happiness or sadness in front of your partner, you may be battling your personal insecurities. In fact, this is a sign that you feel you’ll be vulnerable to emotional invalidation if you reveal how exactly you’re feeling.

Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship

17. You try to mirror them…a lot

If your friends are often wondering how you and your partner act and look so alike, it could be because you’re mirroring your partner a lot. While mirroring is natural and unintended when you like them a lot, what is not right is you mirroring them all the time and intentionally. That is a sign of people-pleasing and shows your insecurity or your fear of losing them if you don’t strike a chord.

Here are a few signs you’re mirroring your partner excessively:

• You engage in reflecting listening, that is, you often repeat the things your partner has said, many a times in your own words
• You often mirror their gestures, postures, and mannerisms
• You mirror their views on politics or social issues too, showing a total lack of individuality on your part

18. You indulge in self-pity

Do you find yourself wallowing in self-pity and self-criticism? Are you often miserable and complaining? Do you always picture yourself as a victim? This is also known as the ‘victim mentality’. This can be quite emotionally draining for your partner and is a clear sign of insecurity.

Here are some signs that you’re a victim of your own self-pity:

• You feel the world is against you and everyone is out to get you
• You mostly remember things from the past where you have been cheated or victimized
• You don’t consider other points of view when relating incidents where you’ve been harmed or victimized
• While talking to your partner or other people, you mostly relate sad or tragic events that you’ve gone through
• You also often compete with them in terms of the level of sadness or negativity that you showcase in your stories

Related Reading: Insecure Attachment Style In Relationships: Causes & How To Overcome

How To Deal With Insecurities In A Relationship

Now that we have a fair bit of an idea on what’s insecurity meaning in relationship and its symptoms, let’s look at how to deal with it. “My partner makes me feel insecure, and I can’t help but question how they feel about me as a result.” If you find yourself or your partner saying something similar, it’s important to address it immediately. Such anxiousness stems from self-doubt and low self-esteem, as we’ve already seen above.

It’s important to let your partner know if you’re feeling insecure. Remember, if one partner is insecure and the other has no clue about it or why, the insecure partner will never heal. Wondering how to be less insecure in a relationship and address this insecure feeling in relationship? Let’s find out:

• Focus on self-love: The first step to deal with insecurity in a relationship is focusing on self-love. Stop talking yourself out of opportunities and profitable situations that will help you grow. Indulge in positive self-talk and motivate yourself to do better to do justice to your talents and not because of your partner
• Engage in effective and open communication: Your partner needs to know how you feel before they can make you feel secure. Communicating your needs and desires is the best way to let him know what you want. This will help ease a lot of anxiety, and you probably won’t have to stalk him or control him anymore
• Stop overthinking: One of the reasons for being insecure in a relationship is overthinking about the little things. Not getting an immediate response from your partner may not be the end of the world. Grow up a bit and start looking at things for what they are. They may be dealing with a lot at work or they may not be in the right mood to text you. Don’t over-analyze without any valid proof, especially if your partner has an explanation to offer

Related Reading: How Can I Overcome Feeling Insecure In Relationships?

• Jazz things up: If you’re feeling insecure in a long-term relationship, it may be time to add some daily dose of spice to your drab connection. Plan romantic date nights, surprise your partner with a random gift, and use new ideas in bed. Do the little things that you loved doing as a newlywed couple or when you first started dating, and you will no longer need to wonder how to deal with insecurities in a relationship
• Build trust: The first step to a healthy relationship is the trust quotient in it. Trust helps you feel secure. So, it’s important to work your relationship issues out and set expectations without invading the personal space of both partners. It’s also crucial to make those expectations known to your partner to build trust. Tell them if they’ve upset you but also let them know how they can fix things
• Opt for therapy: Still wondering how to deal with insecurities in a relationship? Well, if nothing works, definitely go for therapy for insecurity in relationships. Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists is just what you need to guide you toward a secure attachment style you so yearn for.

We hope you aren’t still wondering “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?” We also hope we have been able to provide an answer to the question, “What is insecurity in relationship?”, and offer you a list of its most prominent signs. We hope you now know how to be less insecure in a relationship.

Often, women have been accused of being paranoid and unreasonably suspicious of their partners. But interestingly, insecurity has no gender. It all stems from low self-worth and other deep-seated issues. So, if you’re always worried your partner might leave you, before you try and fix your partner and their ways, look inside you and heal yourself. Remember, if a person wishes to leave, nothing will make them stay. So stop forcing things and look for ways to improve your confidence and self-esteem. That’s the only way to find the right person.

FAQs

11 Sure Signs Your Wife Likes Another Man

13 Tell-Tale Signs A Man Is Unhappy In His Marriage

5 Things Men Do That Make Women Feel Insecure In Relationships