A trusting, loving, and secure relationship makes you feel a sense of tranquility you didn’t even know you were missing. But if yours makes you feel perturbed and is starting to feel like a chore you must be on top of at all times, you need to be on the lookout for signs of insecurity in a relationship.
Every friend is a threat, every minute you spend apart needs to be accounted for, every joke you make is considered an attack. If that describes what you’ve been going through, the feelings of insecurity in a relationship are making themselves clear.
Let’s take a better look at the signs with the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert. If things like, “My partner makes me feel insecure,” or the suffocation of being in such a dynamic has been weighing heavy on your mind, these signs will help you ascertain if what you’re suspecting holds any weight.
The Reason Behind Jealousy And Insecurity In Relationships
A low self-confidence, an undermining of one’s capabilities, and a belief that you’re not good enough are the common culprits behind the signs of insecurity in a relationship.
Speaking on the subject, Dr. Aman Bhonsle previously told Bonobology, “How you interact with other people will be a reflection of how you interact with yourself. It tends to percolate one way or the other. For example, if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, you’re likely to seek constant validation from your partner.
“If you can’t stand who you are, you’ll want your partner to like and appreciate you, which, in your eyes, will make you worth something. As a result, you can end up becoming clingy, possessive, and a jealous partner. So if you’re not very confident or sure of yourself in your head, you’re likely to be that way in social situations and romantic situations as well.”
The signs of emotional insecurity in a relationship may seem “cute” in the beginning, but when the constant questioning gets too much, you soon realize it’s a bigger problem than you first thought it would be.
Jaseena explains where it stems from. “When someone is nurturing some sort of insecurity, to begin with, they’re bound to confuse it with their relationship, which leads to thoughts like, “My partner makes me feel insecure”. The insecurity could be due to a past rejection from parents or a previous partner.
“It can also exist because they might have experienced infidelity, and though the insecure partner has forgiven the cheater, they find themselves incapable of trusting them fully.”
Whether it stems from family dynamics or past experiences that made you question your self-worth, an insecure attachment style can end up eating away at your bond. The first step to recovery, however, is to ascertain that you really do see the signs of insecurity in a relationship in your bond.
By putting a plaster on your leg for your broken arm, you’re only going to make things worse. Let’s take a look at the indications of jealousy and insecurity in relationships so you have a better idea of what you’re dealing with.
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8 Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship
David and Anna had been going out for 4 months. Before they made things official, David’s “hopeless romantic” persona blinded Anna into thinking that he was probably the sweetest man she had ever come across. Pretty soon into it, the constant calling and compliments went from cute to suffocating, and his “always on edge” attitude made her feel like she was walking on eggshells.
She’d only heard about the effects of jealousy and insecurity in relationships, and witnessing them herself made her doubt their future. Every time she went out without him, David wouldn’t stop texting. Every friend she made, he assumed them to be a threat. If a day went by without saying those three words, he convinced himself she never loved him in the first place.
When feelings of insecurity in a relationship plague your mind as they did with David, it’s important to spot the signs as early as possible. Let’s take a look at a few subtle signs:
1. Your relationship feels like you’re on 60 minutes
“One of the clear signs of insecurity in a relationship is when there are a lot of questions asked. Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who are you going with? How do you know him? What were you doing at that time? After a while, it feels like you’re constantly being interrogated.
“While they may shrug it off as them caring for you, a suspicious tone always accompanies their queries too,” says Jaseena.
“I know my boyfriend loves me, but I feel insecure,” Stacey told us. “Every time he’s out with his female friends, I’m on edge. Though I know he’ll never do anything to hurt me, my mind can’t help but rush to worst-case scenarios.
“When I keep texting him while he’s out, eventually he snaps and stops replying. The lack of communication then just makes me feel worse, and I can’t stop cooking up the nightmares in my head. Why do I not feel good enough for my boyfriend?” she asks.
Constantly asking questions, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just a sign of female insecurity in a relationship. Insecurity sees no gender, and the suspicious questions that follow all lead to conflict.
2. Extreme jealousy is one of the signs of insecurity in a relationship
It doesn’t matter if a partner talks to a friend, a family member, or a colleague. If there’s attention being given to anyone but the insecure partner, all hell breaks loose. When a person feels insecure in every relationship, it wouldn’t be too absurd to hear them accuse their partner of infidelity over the smallest of things.
Rick and Ashley had always had trouble with jealousy and insecurity in their relationship. No matter who he talked to, Ashley always wanted to know about each message he received, what he was talking about, and what his history with this person he was meeting was like.
It stems from Ashley’s belief that Richard has a hidden agenda. She’s always paranoid about his whereabouts, and every friend of the opposite gender is an immediate threat. “Why do I not feel good enough for my boyfriend?” she asks, but the damage has already been done. As a result of her prying ways, Rick feels unwilling to share minute details with her, which only causes a larger rift.
3. Your conversations always revolve around reassurance
It’s cute to talk about the future and tell each other how much you’re in love, but after a point, the manic repetition gets worrisome. “One of the signs of insecurity in a relationship is when the insecure partner is constantly looking for reassurance. They’re probably always saying things like, “I hope we will always be together” or keep asking, “Do you love me?” a lot.
“When the reassurance is questioned, for example, when the partner realistically talks about any problems they might have, it causes a lot of relationship anxiety for the insecure partner,” says Jaseena.
The signs of emotional insecurity in a relationship include one person always fearing that they’re going to lose the other. As a result, they’re constantly looking for reassurance.
Does your partner love to talk about how much they love you in every conversation you have? When you don’t reciprocate, they’re probably getting upset about it. God forbid, you fail to answer, “What do you love about me?” That’s when they’re truly going to lose it.
Related Reading: How Can I Overcome Feeling Insecure In Relationships?
4. An anxious partner keeps tabs on their partner
“You can bet your top dollar that an insecure partner will feel the need to check their partner’s phone, keep an eye on their social media, and even call their friends to ask them what they’ve been up to. It’s as though they’ll be cross-checking what their partner told them,” says Jaseena.
“My partner makes me feel insecure because he talks to all of his ex-girlfriends. I asked him to show me his conversations with them. He obliged but wasn’t thrilled about it. It led to a huge fight about my trust issues, and I can’t say I feel any better after it,” Stephanie, a 25-year-old artist, told us about how her anxious ways lead to constant fights.
A partner who always doubts what you’re truly thinking wants to know everything you do. As a result, they may get controlling and want to keep tabs on you. They’ll constantly be prying on your social media, looking for chances to check your emails or your phone.
5. “Quality time” goes overboard
“One of the biggest signs of insecurity in a relationship is that the insecure partner will ask for a lot of time together. They’ll term it as quality time but they’re just making sure that their partner is with them and nowhere else. Even while two partners are together, the insecurity issues will prop up,” says Jaseena.
Especially at the start of a new relationship, it’s understandable that you’d want to spend all your time with your partner. But if your idea of being in a loving bond with someone features always being joined at the hip with them, it’s going to get suffocating pretty quick.
6. Signs of insecurity in a relationship: They’re easily offended
In every dynamic, there’s a lot of banter involved. You may make fun of the way your partner says a certain word or the fact that they thought New Mexico was the capital of Mexico (it’s Mexico City).
But when you poke fun at the way your partner constantly asks questions or they’re always worried, to them, it’s an attack. “The insecure person doesn’t take jokes or criticism very well. They feel attacked and take everything very personally. For example, if you tell them about an annoying habit they have, they might just snap back at you by saying, “Why don’t you like anything about me?” This might make it feel like every conversation turns into an argument,” says Jaseena.
7. If they apologize too much, it’s one of the signs of insecurity in a relationship
With the fear of losing their partner comes the fear of conflict. If a person feels insecure in every relationship, they’re terrified of upsetting whoever it is they’re talking to – lest the person get angry and leave them.
When a person thinks along the lines of, “I know my boyfriend loves me but I feel insecure”, you can bet it’s going to be followed by an “I’m so sorry I feel that way. I hope you don’t get upset.”
Is your partner the kind who thinks you’re angry at them because you didn’t add an exclamation mark to the “Hey” you sent them? If they’re always assuming you’re angry and always apologizing for the smallest things, it’s one of the signs of insecurity in a relationship.
8. They’re always looking for compliments
Sure, compliments and words of affirmation are nice, but an excess of anything can be lethal. Since an insecure person doesn’t give themselves any, they’re constantly looking for validation from their partners. If your partner asks you, “What do you like about me? Are you sure you love me?” every other day, it’s because they don’t think too highly of themselves.
And when they don’t think too highly of themselves, they’re going to assume that you don’t either. It’s a clear sign of female (or male) insecurity in a relationship, and it’s one that needs attending to ASAP.
If reading the signs of insecurity in a relationship has got you drawing parallels with your own dynamic, addressing them becomes pertinent. How long can you live under the suffocating interrogations along the lines of, “Do you love me? Tell me why. Spend time with me right now. Where are you? Why aren’t you picking up?”
Related Reading: Insecure Attachment Style In Relationships: Causes & How To Overcome
Dealing With Jealousy And Insecurity In Relationships
“My partner makes me feel insecure, and I can’t help but question how they feel about me as a result.” If you find yourself or your partner saying something similar, it’s important to address it immediately.
As we mentioned, such anxiousness stems from self-doubt and low self-esteem. While practices of self-love and effective communication are important, perhaps what’s most important is therapy for insecurity in relationships.
Of course, increasing your self-worth and self-esteem are all steps toward recovery. But when you’re shown exactly how to achieve that with the help of a licensed professional, the way forward becomes that much easier.
If therapy for insecurity in relationships is what you’re looking for, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists is just what you need to guide you toward a secure attachment style you so yearn for.
When the constant questions, arguments and reassurances get too much to handle, it can feel like your house of cards is bound to tumble. But the sooner you establish a stronger foundation, the sooner you can work toward the perfect couple you always knew you could be.
Hopefully, with the help of the signs we listed out, you now have a better idea of exactly what it is you must tackle.
When you start a relationship with someone you have never been friends with before, it’s normal to feel a little insecure at the very beginning. However, this insecurity only flows through when it’s warranted, like when your partner is talking to an ex or telling you that they’re not sure about how well you two will fit. If the insecurity gets overwhelming, it’s not normal and must be addressed.
Common insecurities in a relationship include thinking that your partner thinks you’re not enough, thinking your partner has eyes for someone else, thinking your partner doesn’t spend time with you because they hate you.
An insecure person is always going to be anxious about the future, fearful of abandonment, and will act extremely clingy to reassure themselves of the bond they have. They’ll be jealous, they will snoop into a person’s life and will probably get upset at banter in the relationship.
To stop feeling insecure in your relationship, you must work on self-love. Since it all stems from a belief that you’re not enough, you need to find reasons to love yourself or work on things that you think need to be addressed. Therapy for insecurity in a relationship greatly helps.
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