How to stay calm during an argument with your partner when all you want to do is scream and throw things around and ask them to stop being so stupid! But you know, that’s not how relationships and adulthood works – you can’t just throw a tantrum every time things don’t go your way.
Arguing with a spouse is something all married couples do, and it’s a known fact that some couples handle it better than others. Let’s take some lessons from this married couple who have almost perfected the art of how to communicate with your partner during a fight in their 59 years of marriage.
How To Remain Calm In A Fight With Your Spouse
Staying calm in an argument requires some serious patience. Patricia and Anthony are a married couple who get asked one question a lot, given their many years of a successful marriage, “How to stay calm during an argument with your spouse?”
They get asked how they have managed to maintain a level of intimacy after all these years and whether they ever get bored of each other. This is what they had to say about how to remain calm in a fight and nurture the bond you share with your partner:
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We never had a honeymoon phase
In the initial years of my marriage to my wife Patricia, I was engrossed in making our family tea business successful. She understood my passion and while I was busy with work outside the home, she took care of all other responsibilities, including our 6 lovely daughters.
We did have many fights, but we also found reasons why arguments can be healthy in a relationship. Initially, our fights mainly revolved around petty things but as our marriage progressed, so did our responsibilities, and therefore so did our fights. But we never gave up and learnt to face any challenge head-on.
Today, as part of our daily routine, as we sip tea together in the evenings, she gets very annoyed with me constantly fidgeting with my phone and fixing work-related appointments. It annoys her but she still understands, like she always has.
I got married to Patricia in 1962 and all these years later, we have found a common love for music. When I started learning how to sing, she would complain about me singing all the time, and now we sing many a duet for friends and at family get-togethers.
There was a drift in our relationship
I accept that I used to feel ignored earlier when we were younger, when our children came into our lives. Like most husbands, I felt like my wife’s priorities had changed but then I understood her situation as well. They were our children after all and we were both responsible for them.
We were young parents and she was doing all she could to take care of all of us. A lot of times we would argue about it – that I would come home late and not spend enough time with her, but she would defend herself by saying that she was busy with the kids and was exhausted come night-time.
Also, I’m very practical when it comes to anger issues, etc. So once she told me her side of the story, I understood immediately. When arguing with a spouse, make sure to understand their point of view before jumping to conclusions and getting angry at nothing.
I often joke with my friends who fight with their spouses, that it is us who will be most affected if the blood pressure of our better halves rises! The impact of our actions will be borne by us, so it is best to stay calm! Anger is the root cause of many a problem. It’s best kept at bay!
Related Reading: Surviving the dark days of a marriage
How we sustained interest for 50 years together
Patricia and I had a rule that we followed religiously: never go to bed angry. Learning how to stay calm during an argument is one important lesson, but that is something that is picked up over time. But following this rule helped us communicate better and maintained a certain level of respect in the marriage.
Anger management in relationships is absolutely essential for this respect that forms the very foundation of a marriage. No marriage will last when respect is lost.
What the younger generation is doing wrong
There are times I look at how our generation has lived our lives and then I see my kids and their contemporaries. We had to maintain a certain discipline and decorum as a couple when we were around our parents, but I see young couples getting into confrontational situations and arguments in front of their parents, including my own children, and it worries me.
There has been no boredom, nor have we let monotony hamper our companionship. The years, the struggle, the pain and the joy have only brought us closer. We are both spiritual and find solace in contributing to social causes in whatever way we can.
We have everything we could have wished for, and so we feel it’s our duty to give it back to society in our own little way. Arguing with a spouse today is taken so lightly that people don’t view the issue with concern, and it only snowballs into something unfixable at a later stage.
It’s been over 50 years now, and both Patricia and I can say we are content. She has always had the qualities of an ideal wife that any man would ask for. There have been times when anger or pain or some kind of suffering may have crept into our lives, as is natural, but none of it has been significant enough to have affected our relationship.
Our families arranged for us to get married over half a century ago and after all these years of adjustment, love, sacrifice, annoyance and care, we are growing stronger and drawing strength from each other.
Try following this rule: communicate rather than fight. No one is going to listen to you with more intent just because you are raising your voice.
Having arguments in a relationship is healthy to a certain extent. However, after every fight you must sort things out with your partner immediately rather than letting a petty issue get out of hand.