To be honest, I’m scared. I’m worried that the women of this world may eliminate me before I finish this article. If you find only half of this article hidden somewhere on my laptop, please be aware that mine wasn’t a natural death but a planned, pre-meditated and well-orchestrated murder by the most powerful of the genders – women.
I’ve accidentally discovered one of their conspiracies.
A conspiracy which runs so deep that it must be kept a secret at any cost. A conspiracy which must be hidden, even if it means doing away with a handsome young 42-year-old man like me.
It all happened by accident. A few months ago, I quit my job as the Chief Product Officer of an instant messenger company with over 250 million users and decided to become a househusband. Yes, that’s right…a househusband.
In these few months, I’ve realised that the women have never wanted the men to become househusbands. They’ve intentionally kept us away from home – and it is because of the women that we are holed up in offices during the most productive part of our day.
When it comes to other women, they may be their own worst enemies (studies have proved this) and umpteen women such as Erica Jong and Brandon Kelly have confirmed this as well. But when it comes to standing together against the weaker of the two sexes – the men – women come together like old drinking buddies. Not giving a single inch, for the gender whose whole life is determined by a few inches.
These women have been so adept and united in their keeping the house to themselves that there are almost no househusbands. In fact, I’m the first househusband I’ve met in life. The women have done such a good job that if we were to look around with a microscope, we may not even find 500 househusbands all over the world. Considering the world’s population of 7.5 billion, that’s one man allowed to escape from the clutches for every 16 million men. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s like the dabbawalas of Mumbai – one error in 16 million. Six Sigma, remember?
Related reading: Men who cook
Coming back to being a househusband, let me tell you that it has been the best thing to have happened to me in the last 20 years. Yes, in 20 freaking years.
These housewives have always made a huge hue and cry about being homemakers. Contrary to what they want us to believe, it is brilliant, it is amazing and it is zen – being at home is awesome. These women don’t want us men to quit our jobs and stay at home…and that’s why they make up all these stories about how being a housewife means loads of work without any pay, how they do multiple things without any appreciation, how it involves offline multitasking (which is more difficult than digital multitasking), how they get tired by 6 pm, how their mood swings about giving up their career for kids, etc.
Calling all men out there…step up, raise your game and become a househusband. Everything you have been working hard for has been right under your nose all these years.
If you are reading this note in my diary, please take copies and send it across to all the leading newspapers of the world so the word gets out. If this has already been published and you are reading this in a newspaper or some website, it means the word is out. Good. The next step is to try and unite all men, and take over this unconquered bastion of the women.
If I’m murdered to ensure that the conspiracy stays hidden, hard luck guys. You may have to do it on your own. If I’m still alive, you can always approach me for advice on how to convince your wife that you would like to stay at home, how to motivate your wife so that she finds a job and leaves you alone at home, how to spend time at home and not get bored, how to manage kids like their mom would have, etc.
Let us show these sneaky housewives that we men can unite. After all, it is time for them to get out while we stay at home.
Note: Changing your kid’s diaper with a beer in one hand and wet wipes in another is a heady feeling. Must try.