Marriage? It’s a truly great thing. If you are married to another man’s wife, that is. A lot of people ask me what it’s like to be in a happy married life or the myths about marriage that they are so well versed with, but that are actually untrue. They think I was born married like some kind of child groom.
Frankly, I bring the same heft, and vast experience to the marital field as Joe Biden does to politics or James Cameron to the billion dollar film club. So, let’s take it one step at a time. I’ll start with the definition of marriage. It’s no different than a sibling relationship.
Your wife is, to put it crudely, just your sister with whom you are mandated by society to have official sex. I am no Freud, but I can assure you that marriage is a beautiful union of two previously happy people coming together, by the end of which one of them will die before the other, mostly under strange circumstances.
Common Marriage Myths
As Indians, we pride ourselves on the idea of marriage and love after marriage. There’s a lot of pressure on us to marry. And as Indians, we believe that an arranged marriage can somehow cure us. That is indeed one of the myths about arranged marriages, that it is a match made in heaven.
Moreover, there are other ways in which parents think of marriage as a solution to people’s problems and lives. If a wayward boy is causing grief at home, parents think, “Let’s marry him off before he gets completely out of hand.” It’s the same approach as catching a bull and hand-tying him to a pole. Mind you, I am not saying marriage is like being tied to a pole.
Though that wouldn’t be so bad considering that poles are not given to frequent bouts of anger in which they throw you out of the house on a rainy night and then ask you suspiciously the next morning, “Stop shivering. Where the hell were you last night?”
Related Reading: Happily married: A contradiction in terms
What I am about saying is enough to convert any hard-core cynic into, um, an even more hard-core cynic once I break down the myths about marriage that make people take this plunge.
Marriage myths and realities
The first few weeks of marriage are marvelous. Yup, they are. Because, usually, around this time you are honeymooning in an exotic European village or Imagica Water Park in Mumbai, depending strictly on how many envelopes stuffed with cash you received at your wedding reception. At this time, your mind doesn’t ever wander close to the real facts about marriage.
In many reported cases, cash envelopes are known to disappear mysteriously. So, if you want the first few days of your marriage to be memorable, employ a trustworthy Man Friday to look after the cash envelopes department at your reception.
The conflicts begin and the myths about marriage reveal themselves…
The real conflicts begin once you are back from the honeymoon and into reality. The first big difference in your life is ‘how you once lived versus how you live now.’ The day that you were away beer-bingeing with your friends, it’s possible your wife used that time to rearrange the house entirely.
Every single memory of your singledom is cruelly wiped away. The living room has net curtains, hanging lamps and paintings and artefacts. Walk into the bedroom, and where there once hung unwashed jeans and undies with bullet holes, you find a wind chime. And look, there’s sunlight! Life after the wedding is indeed, very different.
The truth is, the fundamental difference between women and men is that he prefers to draw the curtains, shutting sunlight out as much as possible because let’s accept the truth, he prefers a dark room conducive to watching TV.
Related Reading: The trick to a happy, joyful marriage
In contrast, women usually want the curtains wide open to let sunlight pour in. And yet, the good doctors always complain of Vitamin D deficiency among women! Curtains are a primary point of conflict between married couples. In fact, just by looking at whether the curtains are drawn or not, you can tell who the last occupant of the room was.
And there are more facts about marriage
The other conflicts are purely psychological. Like, at night, marriage becomes an endless game of waiting and watching to see who will get up to switch off the lights, the TV, check the WiFi, lock the door, lockout the husband, etc.
Here’s a little secret about wives. Once tucked up in bed, wives lie there in a semi-vegetative state until a medical emergency arises, such as their wardrobe’s on fire or if they smell hazelnut Nutella! Consider it one of the more important myths about marriage, that your wife will ever get out of bed once she has snuggled up in her blanket.
Then of course, there’s sex. Let me be completely honest here – sex is raunchy and hot. Good sex is not one of the myths about marriage. That is one thing you certainly have going for you! Married people are having more sex than single folks, just not with their partners!
Now excuse me, will you? I am exhausted, what with all the sex and breaking down these facts about marriage! Might as well slip out of bed before my neighbor’s husband busts the party.