Why can’t I seem to find the ‘right’ kind of love?
What is it about me and love? What is it about love that I cannot seem to grasp or understand or live peacefully with? Why is it that every time I have to come to a dead end, no matter how the journey has been or with whom? How is it possible that every time the “M” word comes into play, I slowly being to lose the plot – like there’s a demon inside me taking over the situation?
We began our relationship as friends
I met P (let’s not take names) when I started my own PR consultancy firm a couple of years back. A friend recommended him to me as a good financial and business advisor who can help me to sort out my papers, legal formalities and investments. As I was a newbie and rookie entrepreneur, he was apparently charmed by my simplicity and decided to help me out, although I was not exactly giving him any big business return. Over the next two years, we developed a bond of mutual trust and respect that flowered into platonic friendship. However, things took a different turn when out of the blue he began to share his recent heartbreak over a failed long distance relationship that has taken a toll on him. He was ill in bed and had wanted a friend to hear him out.
We met a couple of times over dinner and drinks, which turned out to be great dates. Given the background of long acquaintanceship and natural trust, it was perhaps inevitable that we came close and became lovers. Within a month, he was thinking of booking an apartment and living together. All was good and we were quite happy and looking forward to the future.
Related reading: Signs when a friendship becomes a ready ground for an affair
Then he suggested getting married
However, things began to pall when the ‘M’ word was mentioned. Perhaps we were on two different pages altogether – what I meant by dating and being in love is not what he understood. Not only were our definitions of love and dating different, our priorities and expectations were different too. While for me, being in love was just the beginning of the process and dating was the time to understand each other, for him dating and marriage were a given blend.
While for me, being in love was just the beginning of the process and dating was the time to understand each other, for him dating and marriage were a given blend. He was in a hurry.
I was not. I was in the preliminary dating phase, which he thought was the marriage phase.
You see, I was trying to be ‘normal’. I told myself if everyone can get married, then why should I have so many ifs and buts? After all, ‘falling in love’ can happen over time. Here is a good man who loves me, he is caring, he encourages me in the work that I do, he pampers me, and he is thinking of building a future together. This is what people who are married usually say – that everything falls into place. Give it a try. And so I tried. At one point of time, I even believed that no matter what happened, I would just go ahead and get married – I even told my close friends and even parents that it might happen any moment and would be announced only after it materialises.
Maybe I should take the plunge anyway
What if I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach? What if I don’t wait for his call? So what if he does not pique my curiosity? What if there is no sense of mystery? What if I don’t feel the zing? – These things are not important. Marriage is a practical necessity; everyone gets married. It creates a support system for you. When your parents are not longer there, you will have someone by your side at least.
When your parents are not longer there, you will have someone by your side at least.
The last was a clincher. I was almost brainwashed.
And then he dropped the bomb. “So after marriage, your name will change, right? You will have a new surname,” he told me one night. The alarm bells rang. “Why” was the first question that sprang to my mind. Here I was, supposedly dating a liberal man with a modern outlook who was not conservative in his understanding of a woman’s role in and out of a relationship. If I can perform my duties well as a professional as Supreeta Singh, which is why he fell in love with me in the first place – why can’t I do the same as his wife, Supreeta Singh? Why would I need someone else’s identity baggage to do what I want to do or be who I want to be?
If only he had said “Don’t change…”
The most disappointing part was the complete lack of deeper, more soulful understanding, the emotional and human connect beyond social sanctions. Perhaps if he had told me – “Supreeta, I never want you to change. I want you to keep your name as it is,” – I would have gladly changed it. Where did his broadmindedness about love and life suddenly disappear now that I was already in love with him?
This has made me realise a few things.
I cannot be normal and follow normal rules and regulations when it comes to the matter of the heart.
If love does not come and sweep you off your feet, then it’s not worth it. I will probably wait.
Chances are I will die single.
For him, I wish all the best. May he get the woman he deserves.