Having a selfish husband is a real predicament. Just the other day when I was traveling in public transport, I eavesdropped on the conversation of two women. They were engaged in a series of allegations against their husbands. While one said how her husband had stopped paying attention to her in bed, the other complained, “My husband is selfish as he refuses to pitch in with household chores.” As these two miserable women discussed the signs of an uncaring husband, I could not help but sympathize with them.
Both of them agreed that for some reason, their husbands had gone from the ‘caring men’ that they had married to ‘utterly selfish people’. I kept wondering, did those caring men actually turn into selfish husbands? Or were these women simply married to selfish men from the beginning? Either way, I figured, having a selfish spouse could make a woman’s marital life very challenging.
It doesn’t take a major in psychology to know that selfishness is not abnormal. We are all selfish in some aspects of our lives. This selfish behavior is manifested in different situations through our actions. However, when it comes to relationships, what if the other person only takes and never gives back? Life can become suffocating and frustrating, especially when you are tied in a marital knot with this man!
Why Do Husbands Become Selfish?
It is probably an inherent trait or maybe even a zodiac sign weakness that drives a man to look out for himself first. It could also be certain developments in life that make him feel like he needs to prioritize himself so that others prioritize him too. There could be a number of reasons for which he has become a selfish spouse:
- Childhood experiences: The roots of selfishness can be traced back to childhood. For instance, being a single child could sometimes lead to the person never having learned how to share anything from food to books to toys to physical space. Similarly, those with siblings could be extremely quarrelsome over certain things. As a result of that insecurity, complexes could form at a young age and further in life, thus making a husband rude and inconsiderate
- Birth of a child: When a couple has a child, it’s only natural for the woman’s attention to be focused on her newborn baby. This can leave the husband feeling left out. He constantly craves and demands attention and this can often translate into extremely selfish behavior
- Work stress: Every marriage gets monotonous after a point. When the husband is under extreme stress at work, he starts expecting and demanding more at home. When he is unable to have his needs met, the disappointment eventually grows into a disregard for others. And he becomes a selfish husband
- Male chauvinism: Some men have stereotypical mindsets due to their upbringing and cultural influences. He always wants to have an upper hand in everything and fights to have a superior position. They simply cannot tolerate it when their wives are ambitious or have flourishing careers. This results in a narcissistic attitude and gives rise to an inferiority complex that causes them to lash out
Related Reading: 13 Signs You Are The Selfish One In The Relationship
15 Signs Of A Selfish Husband You Cannot Miss
The choices your husband makes, both in his life and relationship with you, as well as his behavior with others, is a reliable way to evaluate the signs of an uncaring husband. Have you ever thought to yourself, “My husband wants everything his way and never takes my opinion into consideration”? If this thought has crossed your mind before, then perhaps you might have a selfish husband on your hands.
Given below are the top signs of an uncaring husband that are commonly observed. Dear readers, take note of these in case your partner has been ignoring you or if your husband is not being affectionate. It’s time you seriously consider your worth and try to resolve the situation. Dear men, if you are reading this, it’s time you bring about some changes in your attitude and save your marriage before it’s too late!
1. He doesn’t take interest in your interests
Natalie, a homemaker in her 30s, says, “My husband, Patrick, leads with the assumption that his career is more important and expects me to follow him around wherever his work takes him. Does he even care that I need to stay close to my parents because of their health condition? I hardly think so. Am I overreacting or is my husband selfish?”
Just like Patrick, a selfish husband doesn’t bother about your interests, dreams, and needs. He isn’t a patient listener and rarely pays attention to you, all the while expecting you to listen to him. He is only concerned about what his needs are, even when it comes to matters related to your family or your sex life.
2. He is always the boss
A husband who is selfish will always get his way by hook or by crook. He is likely to be extremely dominating and unwilling to compromise on even the smallest of issues. He would want things to be done exactly to his liking and his actions will resemble that of a control freak. You may even see him lashing out if anything goes a little wrong on the part of his spouse or anyone for that matter. He wants the perfect food, perfect bed linen, the towels in place, and his wardrobe in order.
He is extremely arrogant and can be very rude when things aren’t done his way. This bossy attitude can make your husband rude and inconsiderate toward you too. If you find yourself living with the realization, “My husband thinks he does nothing wrong”, it’s one of the typical signs of an uncaring husband.
3. He is always focused on himself
Selfish people are extremely immersed in themselves. So, one of the classic signs of a selfish husband is he holds himself in high regard and has a high self-esteem, to the point of being full of himself. You won’t find him considering your opinion on trivial matters. For instance, if you’re going out to dinner, he’ll decide the place on his own. Once you’re at the restaurant, he may go ahead and order for you as well without thinking of asking about your preferences. Even when buying gifts for wife or husband, he will buy you what he wants and never considers your likes and dislikes.
To his mind, he isn’t doing anything wrong, because he thinks he knows the best. Also, a passive, self-centered spouse is rather preoccupied with the thought process that he is doing everything for both of you as he tends to believe that you are not capable of taking charge or making these decisions in your marriage.
Related Reading: 8 Signs You Have A Controlling And Manipulative Husband
4. A selfish husband never says sorry
Selfish people in a relationship always find a way to blame their partners for any conflict that takes place. They never take time to introspect and reflect on their behavior. Thus, they never realize that the problem may lie with them as well. They are not receptive to criticism and lash out if their partner calls them out on their mistakes. Besides, they’re convinced that whatever they do is absolutely correct. So, ‘sorry’ is not a word to be found in their dictionary.
Do you constantly live with the feeling that “My husband wants everything his way”? Are you the one who has to make up after every fight and disagreement no matter who is at fault? The voice in your head screaming “My husband is selfish” is absolutely on point. If you are eager to know how to teach a lesson to selfish husband, perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It’s high time you stop being apologetic about every minor clash and put an end to walking on eggshells around him.
5. He never thanks you
Is there anything more heartbreaking and exhausting than living with an unappreciative husband? In every relationship, both partners demand (read: deserve) a little bit of gratitude and acknowledgment from their better half. But if you have a selfish husband on your hands, he will be as inconsiderate as ever. One of the signs of an uncaring husband is that he doesn’t appreciate your efforts.
He cannot see the little things you do to make him happy. You will never hear him thanking you for your efforts. He thinks taking you for granted is his birthright. How to deal with an uncaring husband? Well, as long as you don’t put your foot down and assert yourself, this pattern is not going to change.
6. He doesn’t reach out after a fight
A selfish person almost inevitably has certain narcissistic tendencies, which fuel their desire to always be on the winning side. Rebecca shares with us, “Every discussion with my husband transforms into an argument in no time. And he has this magical power to manipulate me into believing that I am the one to blame for everything. I am simply tired of feeling sorry for no valid reasons whatsoever. There is no winning with him! Could you tell me why is my husband so selfish?”
Many of us, like Rebecca, observe these classic signs of a selfish husband on a regular basis. At the end of an argument, he will be unwilling to initiate a resolution. That’s because he just doesn’t have the ability to think about how his actions have affected you. Chances are you will always have to be the one approaching him first after a fight in the hopes of making amends.
Related Reading: 7 Things To Do When You Fall Out Of Love With Your Husband
7. A selfish husband always criticizes you
As a loving husband, your partner should be bringing out the best in you by showing you the error of your ways and encouraging you to be the best version of yourself. But there is a huge difference between correcting and criticizing. If your partner is always belittling you and making you feel worthless, these are the traits of a selfish husband.
Blake, a 29-year-old architect, shares with us, “Every little mistake I make is blown out of proportion. I can’t be calm around him because he always finds something to criticize. Why is my husband so selfish and inconsiderate toward me?” From nitpicking over your ability to run a household to making light of your professional dreams and aspirations, his criticism will be aimed at putting you down and will never be offered in a kind or constructive manner. This can leave you with a dented self-esteem unless you learn to disassociate your self-worth from his opinions of you.
8. He doesn’t compliment you
Women love to beautify their looks and appearances hoping to snatch a sweet compliment or two from their loving husbands. Besides that, they put in so much effort into turning a house into a cozy nest. A lot of hard work goes into it, day in and day out. Wouldn’t it be nice if your spouse would appreciate all the little things that make you so admirable and worthy of acknowledgment? Be it your looks, your efforts to keep the household functional, or your complete work-life balance.
Compliments are always received well and hold even more value when they come from your man. A little admiration with affirmative words like “You look beautiful today” can certainly go a long way. Sadly, if your husband is selfish, it is possible that he almost never compliments you for any of your exceptional qualities or your thoughtful gestures. Don’t expect him to buy you a dress because he feels it will look good on you. We are afraid to break it to you but that’s the last thing on his mind.
9. No displays of affection
As they say, “A warm hug can make everything all right.” Cuddling with each other, holding hands, resting on your hubby’s shoulders, or looking into each other’s eyes are all very meaningful gestures that increase the intimacy in a relationship. However, with a self-centered spouse, such displays of affection are few and far between. He may be open to the idea of you showering him with love, affection, and adulation, but reciprocating them is a concept alien to him. Being married to such a man can be akin to being stuck in a loveless marriage.
10. He avoids communication
For a relationship to thrive, open communication is the key. Good communication in relationships doesn’t necessarily mean talking for hours on end. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage.
Since this person’s entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. You can say “My husband is selfish” with certainty if you are unable to share your worries and concerns with him. What is the point of staying in a conjugal bond if the spouses don’t make any effort to understand each other from the very core? Selfish people always find excuses for walking out of conversations.
11. The sex is all about him
After a round in bed, have you ever been left questioning, “Why is my husband so selfish and inconsiderate in bed?” Sexual intimacy is an important part of marital life. However, this intimacy is a lot more than just satisfying your carnal urges. It’s an expression of love – that is why it’s called love-making. It’s about understanding the deepest recesses of each other’s bodies, emotions, and desire which strengthens the connection between two partners. And it’s a give and take of pleasure.
If your husband is only focused on his needs in bed, there is no doubt that he is selfish. Does your husband demand intimacy like it’s his right? When you’re together, is the act all about him achieving the big O? Does he leave you high and dry once he is done? If yes, you’re right in thinking, “My husband always puts himself first and that’s very selfish of him.”
12. Doesn’t take your advice
Does your husband often make big decisions without consulting you or even without informing you? If yes, then you are with a self-centered person who does not value your opinions or care about your consent. Marriage is about two people building a life together rather than one person being compelled to think, “My husband wants everything his way”. A marriage requires working together as a team, collaborating, and consulting each other on matters big and small.
Now, this doesn’t mean that as life partners you will always be in agreement with each other or support every decision the other person makes. But being able to weigh in is the bare minimum you can expect from your marriage. Unfortunately, a selfish husband cannot accord you even the basic courtesy of asking your opinion on matters that impact both your lives. Instead, he will just end up mansplaining you and making decisions his own way.
13. No romantic dates
My friend Jake (name changed) once confided in me about his resentment toward his stone-cold husband, “You know, it was our first anniversary. I broke my back all day to put up a nice party for us. All our friends and family came and left but he didn’t show up that evening. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. Am I paranoid or is my husband selfish?”
Jake was entitled to feel disappointed after the way this guy treated him. Spending time together is essential for married people to strengthen their connection even more. A couple of movie dates or going out for dinners once in a while is all it takes to keep the romance alive. Exotic getaways are also an exciting proposition to rev up the spark.
But one of the signs of an uncaring husband is that he wouldn’t be into this kind of stuff at all. Neither will he get you flowers and wine or cook you dinner for a romantic evening at home. If your husband is not on board for any of these activities, it is a cause for concern. It could mean he does not crave quality time with his family because for him, it’s all about him and himself.
14. A selfish husband is too self-absorbed
Often, if your husband does not acknowledge your presence, whether in public or even when it is just the two of you, it could mean that he is too consumed with himself to notice you. This can make your husband rude and inconsiderate toward you. Self-centered people tend to think that the sun shines out of their rear and they are the center of the universe. This can start to make you feel neglected in the relationship.
Due to this attitude, you may find that your husband conveniently forgets to include you in his plans or inform you about his whereabouts. When you do point out these tendencies to him, he cannot see what all the fuss is about. That’s because a selfish husband often does not care about his partner’s time and lives life of his own accord. It’s no surprise you often think or say things like, “I hate my selfish husband.”
Related Reading: 8 Common “Narcissistic Marriage” Problems And How To Handle Them
15. He is unaware that the relationship is becoming unhealthy
Which couple doesn’t fight? Disagreements and arguments are completely normal in a relationship. But sensing that your relationship is going bad and trying to mend things is a crucial step toward recovery. A selfish husband will be too absorbed in himself to realize your relationship is turning sour.
You may keep trying to salvage the relationship or sweep issues under the carpet for the sake of harmony, but there is only so much you can do to keep your relationship afloat single-handedly. At some point, you may snap and give up. When that happens, your selfish husband will be taken by surprise. That’s because he has been too self-absorbed to notice that your marriage is on the rocks.
How to deal with a selfish husband?
“My husband always puts himself first,” says Nancy, “Starting from the new color of our study to deciding the dinner menu, everything has to be according to his choice. I couldn’t attend my parents’ 25th anniversary because he was not feeling well and I had to stay back to take care of him. I know it was just another one of his tricks to avoid meeting my folks. Sometimes I wonder where do my opinions get lost in this relationship? Do I teach a lesson to selfish husband or leave him?”
If you can relate to Nancy’s story to some extent, I believe you are also stuck in a marriage with an unappreciative husband. Instead of fixating on the stubborn signs of a selfish husband, you should ask yourself, “Why is my husband so selfish?” And in order to find out the root of his self-centered nature, you have to communicate, with empathy and logic.
Did any mishap take place recently making him act this way or does his upbringing have something to do with it? Find your sweet time to discuss your concerns with him in a calm, rational manner so he doesn’t feel verbally attacked. If he has been a selfish person his whole life, breaking the pattern might be difficult. Shower appreciation on your husband whenever he steps up to contribute to household chores or becomes considerate of your needs.
Dealing with a passive, self-centered spouse day after day can be extremely taxing on your mental health. And at times, tough love is necessary to send them a message. Your husband has to understand that he cannot always go by the ‘my way or the highway’ attitude. Be a bit selfish, stop putting extra effort when he refuses to offer a helping hand, and most importantly, take short breaks if it becomes overwhelming at any point.
Not every marriage is a smooth ride, but it is important that both people in the relationship make efforts to better their lives together. Dear couples, sit and communicate about your problems because your marriage and your love for each other are worth all the trouble! If you still cannot sort things out, consult a relationship counselor from Bonobology’s panel. As a last resort, leave him if nothing else works. We wish you luck.
Breaking a relationship is way easier than trying to make it work and sticking by each other through thick and thin. If you decide to walk away from a partnership at the slightest hint of inconvenience, you would never be able to stay with anyone for long. So, first, give your marriage a fair chance. Discuss the issues clearly with your husband, go for couples counseling – do everything that is in your power. If he remains the same selfish person in the end, you may reconsider the future of this relationship.
Husbands can ignore their spouses for a host of reasons. To decipher why it is happening in your marriage, you need to analyze whether he has always been like this or it is a recent tendency. If he has started ignoring you lately but wasn’t always like this, it could be because he is too occupied with work or may have lost interest in you. The possibility of another romantic partner or infidelity cannot be ruled out either.
Yes, it is perfectly normal to dislike – even resent – your husband for being selfish. After all, relationships are a two-way street. And you cannot give love and affection to a partner who is not mindful of your needs and desires.
Hate is an extremely strong and negative emotion. The fact that you’re still living with him despite his selfishness is an indication that you don’t really hate him. But yes, you may feel a strong resentment or dislike toward him. And it is possible to confuse these feelings with hatred. But if you do hate him, we understand. That’s valid too.