Counselling

Unable to get over two-year-old breakup, sometimes I feel suicidal

He left her after a ten year relationship and she is unable to move on.
a woman weeping into her hands

Question:

Hello Ma’am,

I am a 30-year-old female. My boyfriend and I broke up two years ago but I am unable to forget him and marry someone else (of my parents’ choice). It seems nearly impossible for me to do so.
We were in a relationship since 10 years and were childhood friends. After lot of issues and struggle, finally in 2015 we were about to get married. Both of us had to put in a lot of effort to convince our parents as we belong to different castes. We were very happy and excited and our engagement was planned. But I noticed a change in the behaviour of my boyfriend. As the date of our engagement was getting closer he started showing a careless attitude towards everything. Things started going wrong in every possible way. We had fights on small things. He started comparing me with his sister-in-law, his bhabhi. When I asked him what the matter was, he always said, everything is all right.
My family and I were getting stressed by his (and his family’s) careless attitude towards us. Also, my father is a heart patient. I couldn’t take the stress anymore and the resulting panic attacks landed me in hospital. He didn’t come to meet me. He gave excuses about being busy while maintaining that he is always with me and that I shouldn’t take unnecessary stress. In time he began to say that I was
physically and mentally ill. He confused me by always adding that he will be beside me always.
One day he said that his parents feel that marrying a girl from another caste girl will bring insult to them in their society and that’s why his parents are disapproving of our marriage. He added that he can’t go against his parents’ wishes… and then he left. When I couldn’t convince him or his parents, I attempted suicide but was unsuccessful. My Parents started searching for groom for me to help me out of this trauma. They both are septuagenarians and worry about my future, I am an only child.
But I prefer to live alone my whole life. I can’t get married to anyone else except him. The breakup was like a divorce for me, as I always thought of us as husband and wife. I have waited for him to return to me every day for the past two years… and one day he did. He begged for a second chance, and then vanished again. Days passed. My parents have fixed my engagement with a man whom I don’t know and don’t want to know either. Right now my heart is filled with hatred and stress. I want to end my life… but I have done that mistake once so I don’t want to repeat it.
I am unable to handle this pain. Everyone tells me that he will never marry me and is just playing with me. Once I got married, everything will get OK. They say it’s normal.
Please help me think this through.
Thank you…

Related reading: 10 ways to deal with heartbreak

Answer:

I empathise with you and can completely understand how difficult it can be to move on from a 10-year-long relationship. From what you’ve told me it is very clear that your ex boyfriend is not only disrespectful to you but your family. You’ve mentioned that he isn’t committed to you yet and neither says Yes or No.

Would you really want to be with a man who doesn’t respect you enough to commit to you? You have to ask yourself if you’d like to be with a man who breaks your heart over and over again?

I know it was a long relationship for you, but it ended. It ended on a bad note. Do you really want to wait for this man to say yes? How about you think about what you want? It can be a difficult decision to make, but is staying alone the answer? How will staying alone help you?

You know sometimes we invest so much into a relationship that it becomes difficult to to imagine the end of it. Unfortunately for you that has happened. Relationships end, marriages break. That’s the reality one has to face.
It is extremely important that you take care of yourself and seek proper counselling assistance. You were and still are not over your breakup and it is imperative that you learn the skills needed to move on. The past is right where its supposed to be, in the past. But we keep reliving it in our head and along with the same hurt and helplessness that we felt at that time.

How does one breakup mean that your life isn’t worth it?

How does others’ behaviour define your happiness for life?

What makes you say that you can’t be in love with another man, ever? What makes you so sure about it?
I know you’re hurt and depressed and I suggest that you speak to a psychotherapist to help you out of this.

You’ve clearly stated that you do wish to move on and here is the clear path. You need counselling. Do take it.

All the best

Snigdha

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