Counselling

We were friends with benefits, but I wanted more..

I can't decide if I am her boyfriend or not
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Question:

Dear Dr. Snigdha,

‘She’ and I met in Delhi a year ago where we had come for higher education. We became friends and then fell for each other, but she was in a relationship with someone else then. Three and a half years passed… In time our relationship started. She had from the very first day told me that she will never be able to stay with me forever, but our (physical and emotional relationship) continued. We started staying together too. 

Whenever she used to go back to her hometown, physical relationship with her other boyfriend used to happen. I got hurt and asked her why? She always said that she was not in a ‘relationship’ with me. Then I started pressurising her to accept me. My behaviour came from insecurity, frustration, and anxiety. Then next when she went back to her hometown, her boyfriend asked her about me. He confronted her. 

After that suddenly she accepted me as a boyfriend. We have been in an official relationship for 3 months and then she broke up with me. Another three months later she went back to her ex. Now they are in a relationship. She still keeps contact with me. We talk and we are not in the same city anymore. 

I just want to come out of this whole thing. Everything is changing so fast. I used to know everything about her and now she does not tell me anything. I cannot continue like this. I am heartbroken. Please guide me.

Relationship counselling

Counsellor Snigdha  Mishra says:

Dear Heartbroken,

Well, it is unfortunate but true that you’re not in a relationship with “her” anymore.  Since she’s not your girlfriend why will she tell you anything about her at all? Also, she had always been clear that you’re not her ‘boyfriend’ but continued to have a relationship with both you and her boyfriend. She was clear from the beginning.

The only way to move on is to stop all communication with her, block her and remove her from all social media and force yourself to have no contact with her. It is, of course, painful and I’m sure you must be very upset, but what choice do you have? Do you wish to continue feeling bad or be her on and off sleeping partner? I doubt it. So if you want to move on, stopping all communication with her is your only choice.

Yes, you are feeling bad right now and will probably continue to feel this way for some time. When bad things happen, this is normal. You’ve had a break-up. The girl you liked has left you. So let yourself feel bad but don’t mull over it.

All the best!

Snigdha

 

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