Relationships 101

What is a break up?

Break up

Have you ever been in a relationship? Yes? Are you still in that relationship? No? Well then, you probably know what a breakup is! It is like an abrupt break in your romantic life that feels like a dead end. Everything around you seems to be moving on, except you. If you are emotional and sensitive, then healing the heartbreak is a big, mammoth task. Yes, the pain is real and grieving a breakup is not just a dramatised version of a sob story. Apart from depression, loss of appetite and physical exhaustion, a breakup can also lead you to suffer through serious withdrawal symptoms, as you are addicted to love. But worry not. The breakup turf may look difficult, but it has the ability to advance you as a better person. Millions of individuals worldwide have bounced back in a stronger than ever way after a split and we are sure you will make a strong comeback by healing your broken heart. But before that, let us first ponder over a breakup and probable reasons for heartbreak.

What is a relationship breakup?

A relationship breakup is a process to put an end to a romantic affair, courtship or commitment phase. Bluntly put, a breakup is the difference between ‘in a relationship’ and ‘being single’! Apart from a few extremely lucky people, most young adults have experienced a breakup in their lives. Whether it happens because of lack of compatibility, unfaithful behaviour or anything else, breakups have become an extremely frequent occurrence in today’s world. But why is our generation so prone to it? Are they commitment-phobic or do they want different things in life? To understand the psychology behind this, we need to first understand why we fall in love.

We all are wired to find the love of our lives. Since childhood, the stories of Prince Charming or Dream Girl nurture our desire to love and be loved. One of our adulthood challenges, besides a stable career, is to find the love of our life in order to complete us and give a new meaning to life. In this pursuit, we hold on to a relationship to the point of being consumed. When the reality hits in the form of heartbreak, it becomes difficult for many individuals to accept this hard-core reality. It becomes unbearably tough to face the cluster of difficult feelings, including social rejection. Now, we as humans can’t handle rejections well, unless prepared for it. And a breakup is an extreme part of rejection that affects our existence on the whole. Sometimes, the question of how could he/she reject me brings out the egoistic side, making it difficult to accept a separation and move on.

Sadness and grief after a breakup

So what happens when you go through a breakup? Do you feel happy for your newly found singlehood, or do you isolate yourself from the rest of the world and cry your heart out? The answer depends on what kind of a person you are. Are you mentally strong or do you tend to give in easily to unfavourable situations? It also depends on how much involved you were in the relationship. Was it a casual relationship or did you think it would last forever? Another important factor to consider is who broke up with whom. Did you dump your partner or get dumped?

sadness during breakup

The way people handle a breakup is different for different individuals. Unless you possess grit and emotional strength, it takes considerable time to get over grieving after a breakup. The hurt caused by heartbreak might trigger you to go back to him/her immediately or reconcile. Even the outcomes of a rebound relationship are risky, as you are unsure of the future. So, a better option is to take a breakup as a phase and deal with it. Acceptance is the only way in which you can successfully conquer the grieving after a split.

What are the reasons for a breakup?

If it’s all so complicated why do people breakup in the first place? Again the reasons vary widely from couple to couple. They break up due to lack of compatibility, or fall out of love and drift apart. There are other valid and straightforward reasons that result in ending a relationship permanently. Let us try and understand some of the most reasonable grounds quoted while breaking up with someone.

5 most probable reasons for breakups in couples

  1. Not on the same page: You and your partner want different things in life. Either one of you wants to prioritise their career or is looking for marriage. Whereas your partner looks so certain about the future of your relationship, you are unsure about a lifelong commitment. Now, what will you do if your idea of commitment varies and you are not both on the same page? Even talking about these mismatched priorities is not going to helping you both. In such a situation, a breakup is probably the toughest, but realistic call any couple would take, instead of waiting for years in uncertainty
  2. Relationship abuse: There is a thin line many couples experience while identifying abuse in relationships. Especially when they trust the other half to the core and live in constant denial about the abuse. To help them, there are different signs of abusive relationships that help identify different forms of emotional, psychological, sexual abuse, etc. and prompt them to take appropriate steps in the form of an exit route
  3. Constant fights: If you also believe that a couple who fights a lot loves each other, then you are likely to write off constant fights as a probable reason for a breakup. Well, we too agree with this tricky premise, provided that the arguments are constructive and healthy. There are couples who do not hold grudges and resolve their differences mutually. Even two different personalities with different ideas and ideologies can find a mutual harmony in a love-based relationship. This is a healthy and positive way to approach the disagreements. But on the other side, if the constant bickering, escalating arguments and inability to resolve differences are pretty common for you, then you are in a destructive relationship. This is a valid premise to break up with your partner/spouse
  4. Not happy in a relationship: Happiness is the basic criterion of being in a fulfilling relationship. Yes, you can’t be happy all the time and there will be ups and downs in your couple life, which can be managed well if you are contented with each other. But if your relationship is draining you every day and you feel you are not happy, then this is the perfect time to convey your disappointment to your partner and walk away
  5. One-sided effort: Couples who thrive well work together and invest mutual efforts for their health and happiness. There is a reason they say ‘two to tango’ for the couples who enjoy their roller-coaster ride together in a balanced way. If you find yourself investing disproportionate effort to nurture the relationship, whereas your partner is not willing to reciprocate, it is a signal to call it quits and break up

How do I get over a breakup?

Recover from a bad breakup

Recovering from a breakup may take its own course of time. However, sound breakup advice can help you bounce back in life stronger than ever. Accept the emptiness from within, share your feelings with a friend, or pour your heart out in a journal. Feel your feelings; give them an outlet to move past the breakup. Cut off all your contact with your ex, even over social media, texts or emails. You will need this ‘me-time’ for emotional clarity. Challenge your negative thoughts and divert your energies by keeping yourself busy at work. Spend your weekends volunteering for a social cause. Your heart will thank you for the healing. Break the cycle of pain and worries and use this breakup as an opportunity to set out on your own. Work on your hobbies and interests to feel better and more confident. Travel. Go places. Participate in adventure sports to feel alive and free. Look out for a promising future and as time goes by, you will feel better and eventually, you will get over the dreaded breakup soon. Here are 8 tips to get over a breakup fast and recover quickly.

Breaking up with someone you love

Now, this is not an easy task. Especially from the mind-set that says, ‘Love will conquer all the odds.’ But many times, only love and affection are not enough to sustain a relationship. You need other reasons like happiness, compatibility, peace of mind, comfort and mutual understanding to be in a longstanding relationship. When these facets of quality life go missing, a conscious call to overcome this so-called gloom of life is to breakup and move on.

When you are breaking up with someone you love, it is better to discuss changing priorities face-to-face. Instead of blaming him/her, tell her you want your own time and space. Or you need to think about your future. First, there would be denial, shock and disbelief that they didn’t see a breakup coming their way.
But remember, this is for everybody’s good and your ex will thank you later for this hard step.

Help him/her accept the truth through an open and honest conversation. Maybe your priorities are different, or you were feeling miserable because of this relationship. Maybe this courtship will not lead anywhere. Talking openly will help you both move on and break up more amicably.

Having received a newfound perspective and clarity about breakups, we hope now you will be able to deal with it in a clear and mature way. But still, if you are finding it difficult to move on, do not hesitate to contact our Bonobology counsellors for personalised guidance on how to handle and overcome a breakup.

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