When you’re undergoing the difficult and messy process of a separation, you are at your most vulnerable, and you will take divorce advice from anyone who is willing to give it. But, you couldn’t be going about it more wrongly! You must put logic over emotion and see through the fact that everyone has an opinion, but not everyone is a well-wisher.
The best divorce advice is this: Acknowledge that you are going through something and find someone you can trust, someone who is experienced in this aspect, and someone who you know will stand by you when things start to get tough.
9 Tips To Help You Decide On Whose Advice For Divorce You Should Take
Divorce support advice is something that is always available in plenty. But you have to sift through and decide on whose advice you will really take. Always remember that there are two kinds of people: Those who will empathize and look out for you, and those who say things just for the sake of it. They have no intention of looking out for you.
We’ve heard plenty about the divorce processes and laws in the country. But whom do you turn to for divorce advice when you’re feeling drained and emotionally scarred? Use these 9 tips to ensure you’re trusting the right person to give you consolation:
1. What’s their motive?
Watch what the advisor wants. When people are hurting for you, they lose sight of reality and they make mistakes. Their pain can turn on your ex in the form of revenge. These thoughts drag the divorce on for years instead of ending it peacefully.
Ask yourself, are they acting based on what’s good for you? Or are they acting out of a destructive emotion like fear, shame, revenge or others? Ask yourself, what is in my best interests? What is in my child’s best interests?
Related Reading: Confessions of a Woman Who Has Been Divorced Twice
2. Distance from the outcome
Sometimes people like to get involved and poke their noses into things that don’t need meddling in. They are more interested in the drama and gossip rather than what the person is actually going through.
The best divorce advice for woman is that consolation comes from people who maintain a certain distance from the outcome. They aren’t invested in keeping the marriage intact at all costs, nor are they invested in seeing that it ended.
Nia’s mom wanted her to get a divorce when she realized that her daughter would be living with the in-laws. It didn’t matter that Nia had a good relationship with her husband as well as his family. Sadly, the divorce went through.
3. No judgment
The best advice for divorce for me came from people who did not judge either me or my ex. When you head for divorce, suddenly everything you and your ex have ever done looks like a mistake. It isn’t. It’s just the way things look through the dark glasses of divorce.
To my dad, it was, “What’s done is done. Let’s move on.” His advice came at the right moment and turned out to be the most valuable one I have received till date.
4. Standing outside boundaries
People who didn’t overstep their boundaries kept a dispassionate view and gave wise advice. Those who stepped well within the boundaries of my divorce – which allows a certain amount of intrusion into the privacy of marriage – were satisfying their curiosity and there is some bit of that in all of us. They were also the ones who judged. That takes us back to the previous point.
5. Those whom you don’t need to ask for help
The best advice for someone going through a divorce usually comes from people who genuinely want to be with you every step of the way. Those who didn’t force me to ask for help gave saner advice. Some might feel their help is being taken for granted. Some find it too stressful to offer help.
Valerie’s relatives felt that help should be withheld because she hadn’t found ways to help with a spouse’s drug addiction and they blamed her for it. They felt that Valerie must ask for help before they would offer it.
Sometimes, you can’t do without their help. Be patient, don’t lose heart, temper or sanity. And take their divorce advice with caution.
6. Delinking advice and support
The most consistent advice came from people who were ready to lend a hand whether or not I took their advice. Valerie’s relatives were generous with help, but she couldn’t bank on it. It veered from great helpfulness to backing off completely. Their advice shifted based on their actions.
Related Reading: Financial assistance for divorced moms
7. No right way
Some personal advice on getting a divorce? There is no single right way or right thing to do. The ones who gave me the leeway to hear them out and choose what I felt was the better course of action gave good advice. Naturally, I made mistakes and they allowed me to do so.
Their lack of vehemence is, I believe, a reflection of their ability to step out of the situation and assess it like a fly on the wall. Anyone who can do that is a Godsend.
8. Your stress points
The people who know my stress points understand me best. For family, it’s tough to stand by, doing nothing while you suffer. But that’s just what they must do at times. Simply be there. Some did just that. And because they understood what was likely to stress me out, they knew when to give support, when to lend an empathetic ear, when to advise and when to force me to introspect.
9. When family disagrees
People are coming round to the view that abuse in any form is valid grounds for divorce. Any reason short of that may not get you a nod from family. Honestly, their acceptance isn’t your problem, unless you make it yours.
If you’re looking for the best divorce advice, it’s this: People may be there for you, but at the end of the day, this is your battle. Take the all the help you can get, but don’t lose yourself in all the madness. It may seem scary – learning how to go through a breakup alone, but are you really alone? Ask yourself that.
Divorce isn’t a straight path: “Take this highway, cross these milestones and you reach the destination within this time period.” Emotions, the ex’s requirements, the ex’s family’s requirements, children, many things are involved. Learn to sift through the advice, take the good stuff and leave the negative stuff behind.
Firstly, be organized – mentally as well as practically. People assume women are weak and vulnerable, but it is the strength of the woman that gets her through the divorce and helps her move on to live a much better life.
Abuse doesn’t have to be the only reason for divorce. If being in a relationship is bringing you down and making your life miserable, you know you’re ready to end things and move on.