Why I continue to stay married to my cheating husband


It’s not easy to stay married to a man you know has cheated on you. I don’t like using that word because I believe it is not natural for a person to live the rest of their life with just one person. People will step out of their marriages in one way or another. They either flirt quite ‘harmlessly’ or have sex without strings attached or have a deeply-satisfying emotional affair or have deep friendships but won’t commit physically. All of this counts as cheating, but it is also natural human behaviour. So then why do I call it cheating? Because when you get married, you enter a bond that says you will be there for each other in every way. And you are breaking that bond if you are giving yourself emotionally to someone else. You are taking time away from the person you are married to if you are giving yourself physically to someone else.

Now let me tell you why I chose to forgive my husband even after I found out that he was having an affair with someone. There are two reasons and both are simple. The first is that we have built a life together that I don’t want to undo. He treats me with respect and the affair is never rubbed in my face. He takes care of our kids as much as he can and spends enough time with them. It’s only him and I that don’t get time together but I understand that now. When I didn’t know about his affair, I used to fight with him to do things together, but now I don’t. When I first discovered his affair and created trouble, he was the most unhappy that I had ever seen him. But when I gave up struggling with him, and let him be, he became calmer and happier. And that is the best thing for the home and our family. He is agreeable, helpful, responsible and kind. What more can I ask for?

forgiving wife

‘i was hurt but i let him be’ Image Source

Related reading: My partner cheated on me with 17 others

The second reason is that without his salary, I won’t have the life that I am accustomed to. We own our own home in a beautiful locality. I only take up freelance projects that I want to and spend my time pursuing my hobbies or other things I like to do. He earns very well and I refuse to let go of that. Don’t get me wrong. Just because I consider his money my own doesn’t mean I don’t contribute. Do I feel like a parasite living off his money? Not at all. I keep house, I raise our kids, I do all the things that need to be done in terms of planning for the family, take care of his parents. All the school-related work is my job; his job requires him to entertain a lot and I make sure we have a home that is welcoming and gracious. I know that, without me, he won’t know what to do with the kids. All the cues of his parenting are taken from me and if I were to leave him, I won’t be able to afford the education we are giving our children now.

Do I feel disrespected that he loves someone else? Sometimes yes, but not enough to want to leave him and take my kids with me. When families can adjust to broken limbs, bad eyesight or relocating (unwillingly) to a new country, why can’t they also adjust to one of the partners falling in love with someone else if that keeps them happy? Maybe one day I will find the will and the circumstance to walk out. But for now, I don’t see a reason to do so. In every way, we are peaceful. The kids have a steady home, so why should I disrupt that? I’d rather be lonely or alone now and then than struggle for everything I have right now. Because finding someone to connect with and fall in love with doesn’t take too much time, but to build your place in a social circle, to have all the things that give you a sense of security takes a very long time. In the end, you do what is important to you. For me, being comfortable and secure is important. Love will come.

By Jaila (name changed to protect identity)

This post was first published on zenparent.in

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Deb Chatterjee July 5, 2018 - 10:48 am

Well ladies, I am surprised! Your children may know one day and shall feel ashamed at their father’s transgressions and mother’s complicity. What if they grow up to be cheaters and home wreckers like their dad? How well would you have raised your children?

Why not take a divorce and pull a hefty alimony and child support from your husbands (former sweethearts)?

jyotiprava July 5, 2018 - 10:26 am

I find u to be justified some where but would u let ir child to do the same. truth cannot be hidden some day it will known to all, what if your children knows. We all have one or other karma to face but again we need to even overcome that. Please think and talk courageously with your husband so that he will not repent in his life we wife need to be protector sometimes

Krishna July 5, 2018 - 9:15 am

I can very much relate with the situation as I am also into the similar situation. I also took decision to be in the marriage but it’s never going to be the same again. It leaves a mark on your journey and which can’t be turned back as happy as it was earlier

parvathi s August 10, 2017 - 2:50 pm

Supposedly you get all that you expect from your husband. Without disrupting the family bubble, its nice to think of you being so practical. However, just a question what can a woman do if she gets none off this yet in a marriage? Hats of to you for being so empathetic and practical. Have you ever tried to know what would your husband do had it been the opposite ;)…Live and enjoy life

Anita July 20, 2017 - 8:34 am

I quite agree with her. While it takes courage to stay in that situation, it is also easier to let things be and not rock the boat. I like the way we women think things over so practically :D.

Aaradhika Chopra July 20, 2017 - 5:43 am

And there is another reason..:)..you marry your sweetheart, but once you have children, you become a family, and one does’nt walk out on family because of a daliance/flirtationship/in love or whatever it turns out to be. Love is all inclusive, how can we speak vows that demands it to be exclusive..?! It’s like sowing a bitter gourd seed and expecting a mango fruit..:) No sense…..re-examine the vows society introduced as marriages, say i..:)
Wise decision, no need to upset the apple cart, only time knows what love is, wait, watch and live yours, in the meantime..:):)

Deb Chatterjee April 9, 2018 - 10:58 am

I am a man and I am quite surprised at the response. You are with your cheating husband out of compulsion. If you were financially independent and earned enough, your husband would not have cheated, and, would not have been angry when you talked to him about it. It is as if like, “I am doing what I want; I am keeping family happy so family should not bother about my extra-family affairs.” That’s male chauvinism which flourishes by prying on the vulnerability of women. I hope your sons do not take after their dad. Good luck!

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