Some men just like the pain
Vinod had fantasies around pain and punishment from a very young age. In his teens he bought a riding crop from their trip to Thailand and had to create a complex lie to explain its presence in the house when it was found. When he went to see a Domme in London for the first time she beat him so hard that the bruises lasted a week. He now is sure that he is more masochistic than submissive, so it’s about pain more than humiliation.
Dhruv recalls that a girl he played with at junior school would spank him often during play if he misbehaved in the games. Later in boarding school he recalls if you lost a card game the loser would have his/her knuckles hit hard with the pack of cards. He likes BDSM with its pain balanced with pleasure.
In the post-Fifty Shades of Grey world, people are increasingly talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism), dungeons, Subs and Dommes and the mind boggling variety of toys used in these sadomasochistic sexual activities.
Related reading: BDSM 101: Did you know that sex is only one part of BDSM?
Who is a dominatrix?
The dominatrix – the dominating woman, especially one who takes the sadistic or the dominant role in these sexual activities, has come to grab the fancy of a lot of men since ages. Also known as Domme and Pro-Domme, a Dominatrix is the feminine form of the Latin dominator meaning originally a ruler or lord.
So what makes men go to these Dominatrices, what makes men want to pay for the privilege of being hurt and humiliated?
1. Association between pain and pleasure
Have you ever scratched a bruise every now and again just to see? The dommes are often women who easily and conveniently reinforce this strange association between pain and pleasure. Often this is made visible by some pain object like a leather whip or handcuffs, but in this different setup these objects trigger the pleasure points in men rather than pain. Most of us actually recognise the popular image of the dominatrix standing over a cowering man, usually with a whip in her hand.
2. Fulfilment of adolescent fantasies
It is a truth universally accepted that most men have had one teacher or aunt crush for sure as teenage boys. This desire to please and serve an incredibly attractive woman who commands and must be obeyed is a universal sexual fantasy for men.
This desire to please and serve an incredibly attractive woman who commands and must be obeyed is a universal sexual fantasy for men.
Sensual domination or role play as being a naïve boy introduced to sexual pleasure is often the first motivator that lures men to a dominatrix. Common practices include spanking or other types of corporal punishment (common in schools/homes), bondage, foot worship, humiliation, or different kinds of role play where the man is powerless.
3. Too much of vanilla life
In conventional societies, arranged marriages and missionary style vanilla sex are still the norm. Practices perceived as unconventional are too often stigmatised. Too much of ‘normal’ in consenting adult sexuality often gets monotonous and boring for men. Some men do have absolutely bizarre sexual stimuli – like being pissed on or spat on, as being humiliated, they find these to be incredibly personal and intimate, but can’t imagine doing them with their conventional plain wife so the next pit stop is obviously mademoiselle dominatrix!
Related reading: How to make the best of sex during your 30s?
4. To give up control
All heterosexual men have an intrinsic need to be liked and accepted by a woman. Most men like to be in control in their work life, the one in charge. But with a dominatrix they can release this pressure of making decisions and play submissive parts roles like being a cuckold, being ‘forced’ to watch or do certain acts, or even do perceived subservient stuff like cleaning up the mess. Most men often get uncomfortable sharing these fantasies with their regular partners for the fear of being judged or perceived as “less manly”.
5. Varietyas the spice of life
Often it is not just men alone but couples too who seek a dominatrix to add spice to their bland sexual life and bring the failing libido back. Let’s admit it, it isn’t easy to find a strong, dominant, sexualised woman in routine life. The whole costume drama with leather corsets, thigh-high stiletto heeled boots, fishnet stockings, and a whip along with all kinds of fetish, fantasy, dominance, and submission play are so far from the norm in a bedroom still. Many fetishes are all about tiny details not often fulfilled by regular partners, like specific nail polish, sniffing, specific type of hairdos, the strange heels, or pouring extreme warm or cold things on their skin.
Related reading: 5 men share why they love oral sex more
BDSM is often misconstrued as hurting people and portrayed in popular media also as only being practiced by only those who are emotionally tortured. But actually most men find it empowering for both, as it is mostly based on open-mindedness about trying unconventional stuff, trusting the partner with your safety completely, and extreme intimacy. Human sexuality is far more varied and fascinating than most people realise.