(As told to Akshata Ram)
My husband and I shared a deep bond and a wonderful camaraderie, except on what happens under the sheets. I’m more of an asexual; I never derived any pleasure from making love. When my friends in college used to excitedly discuss sex, I’d give them a repelling look and plug in my earphones. My husband, on the other hand, is completely into it, eager to experiment, and nothing pleased him more than curling up in bed and making love for hours together.
This became the cause of friction. I’d start making excuses to avoid it and when I could no longer find a valid excuse, I’d just have sex for the sake of doing it but waiting desperately to get it over with.
Our fights on matters to be shoved under the duvet (literally) had reached frenzied heights. We were both unhappy and found our love fizzling out
Related reading: 8 myths about Asexuals (ASE)
He had a one-night stand
One night he came home drunk after a party, it was almost 3 am. He wept like a baby and wouldn’t leave me, clinging like a lost child. He confessed to having a one-night stand with a colleague under the influence of alcohol. I was shattered for a moment. This betrayal was difficult to swallow. I didn’t react and asked him to go to bed. I thought about this for the next 2 days. He hadn’t insisted on making love to me, I could sleep peacefully without any fight or feeling exhausted after a love making session that I hated.
A random thought hit me and stuck. I started thinking about it, reasoned out, argued, and fought with the thought till it finally made sense. I decided to act upon that thought, and decided to let him have sex with other women, sex outside our marriage, a no strings attached (NSA) relationship purely to satiate his carnal desires.
It’s OK if you do…
When I brought this up with him, he was stunned, repelled and refused to listen to me. “Yes, sex is important to me but I’m not desperate to jump into bed with anyone in a skirt,” he retorted. “Is this your way of punishing me for the one-night stand?”
I sat him down and gently explained to him that our relationship is not that fragile, to crumble just because he had sex with other women. “Getting intimate physically isn’t something I like, in fact it makes me cringe. But I know it’s totally the opposite for you. The fact that I’m not able to willingly satiate your desires makes me unhappy and as a result our relationship suffers. If you derive this pleasure elsewhere, I don’t see any harm in it. It’s purely a physical relationship, no strings attached. I don’t see why it should tarnish our relationship, the bond we share goes much beyond sex.”
Related reading: She loves three men and I’m coming to terms with it
No guarantees
What’s the guarantee he won’t develop an emotional connect with any of those women he is involved with?
There are no guarantees in life.
Even if I bound him to me, and did everything I could to stop him from getting attracted to other women, would that mean he never strays?
If it has to happen, it will. If it does happen one day, it will hurt me a lot. I really love this man but I know I won’t let it ruin me. It was never meant to be is what I will think and move on.
We are always lectured to preserve our virginity for our husbands and do everything in bed to satisfy them so that they keep loving us and don’t go to other women. How shallow and regressive these customs are, which coerce women into behaving, acting and doing things which may not be as they’d like. I know there are many women who go to any lengths to please their husband and satisfy his desires, doing kinky stuff in bed, pushing themselves against their wish all in the hope that they keep their man satisfied and he doesn’t stray. But do they succeed every time? And what do they gain by pushing themselves against their will?
Now we’re happy
I’m happy and so is he. After this arrangement which he agreed to, our marital life is great. We have rekindled the lost romance, we watch movies together, read, chat and sleep peacefully. What more could I want?
Love and sex need not always go hand in hand. When the partners have such opposite tastes, why not be open-minded and let the other partner explore other options? Isn’t love supposed to be about setting the one you love free? If he comes back, he is yours, if he doesn’t, he never was.
I’ve forgiven my husband for his affair but I still don’t feel at peace
Fantasising about someone else while in bed with your partner?
I’ve forgiven my husband for his affair but I still don’t feel at peace
Well written n explained. I dont agree in totality but their r lot of greu areas in this solution. Firstly It can be only possible in case of man. Ego of Man will never allow him to share wife for sex. Further given a rope, even man will go ahead of just ONS or only sex. We want more attitute may spoil the relationship.
Better solution may be that asexual wife or husband need to be physiological councilling and efforts should be to change.
Suggested solution may have lot many bad side effect as Man is wild animal and may go beyond just sex.
If both hubby and wife have proper understanding , both can enjoy outside marriage partner , remembering that it is for extra pleasure , not emotional bonding or any string attached .
No offences, but I don’t really agree… Everything depicted in the article may be true for many.. But the solution arranged here… Really? You may call me orthodox.. But answer me, what if the situation is reverse?? Would you accept a mother of two kids, experimenting at pubs…. Yucks!!
Agreed
Love is all about letting the other be and just being yourself and accepting the other as he/she is…the couple have set a great example. Kudos!
I can so resonate with this piece.
Thanks for sharing Akshata . .
This is the fact of life – what we see all around, people may not tend to believe it publicly, but in the core of their hearts they do have to accept it. Well written @Akshata Ram
Thx so much Tuli! The dynamics are changing we need to view life and love with a different set of lens