I am a 35-year-old man and my wife is 29. We have been married for seven years. It was an arranged marriage. We have one child who is five years old and we live in a joint family.
My problem is that I like to have sex at least twice a week and she allows it only once in a month or two. She has reasons like, ‘I am too tired and want to sleep’, headache or various aches for not having sex.
When we have sex, she does not kiss me or show any affection. Sometimes I feel like I’m having it with a dead body. She has issues with my mom, but we always stand by her. While having sex she will say things like ‘is our son getting enough wind from a fan’ or ‘is he feeling cold, shall I turn off AC’. She tries only missionary position always and due to this even I lose interest in between. I have started watching porn again, which I had stopped after marriage. Whenever I try to be romantic or flirt with her… she dismisses me.
The only interests she has is in purchasing dresses (she is not a shopaholic) and going for outings. Recently I have turned down two outings with her family, as she wants me to help her in controlling the kid. I too love my son very much, but what I feel is that she is too into our son and his well being. And she totally neglects me.
I have lost interest in work and everything else including sex. Now I don’t want to have sex with her. I am afraid that I may go out of the marriage for sex. For her sex is painful. I respect her as a woman and love her as my wife but she doesn’t understand the importance of the same. When I tried to talk with her about it… she avoids the topic and talks about something else. I am getting frustrated day by day. Please guide.
Dr. Sharmila says:
I totally emphathise with how you’re feeling.
About going out of marriage: If a partner is not satisfied within [restrict] his or her relationship, does that justify cheating? Whatever insufficient sex means to a person in a marriage, adultery just makes it worse. Two wrongs won’t make a right. In addition, adultery brings a third person into what is a problem between two people. This may only aggravate whatever problem led to the breakdown in sex in the relationship in the first place.
People with a low sexual desire never experience earth-shattering sexual urges as do their more sexually oriented partners. For them, it’s more like barely noticeable, mild tremors. Rather than assume that the tidal wave will be the cue that it’s ‘sex time’, look for more subtle signs.
Take charge: Since you are the one reading this, I am going to strongly suggest that it is you who has to take charge of changing things. Start to figure out the steps you ought to take to feel more passion and desire. Make feeling sexier your pet project. If you don’t, you are missing out on one of life’s greatest joys, feeling truly intimate with the person you love. Don’t shortchange yourself. Forget about doing this strictly for your partner or the marriage, do it for you!
Speak to your wife: How? Start by telling your spouse that you understand why she has been unhappy with your love life and that you are going to do something about it. If she replies, ‘I’ve heard this before,’ don’t take it personally. This sort of response is based on hurt. Just reassure your spouse that this time things are going to be different and say nothing more.
Try spontaneity: It’s impossible to be very spontaneous when you’ve added children to your lives. You certainly can plan for some spontaneity. Call the in-laws or close friends, have them take your children overnight. Plan a weekend getaway. In other words, although it may not be perfect, you can rearrange your lives so that you can replicate at least part of what was working for you back then.
Are there negative feelings? If the dip in your wife’s sexual desire is due to negative feelings about your marriage or you, it’s time to do something constructive about it. Stop blaming your spouse. You need to take responsibility for making things better so that you will feel more loving toward your spouse. Learn new communication skills and methods for handling conflict.
Meet a sexologist: Find a skilled doctor in sexual medicine to help you uncover real solutions to the difficulties you’ve been having. Again, if your partner won’t join you, go yourself. You must get off dead centre!
But don’t wait until the issues in your marriage get resolved before you start putting energy into restoring your marriage. And here’s a little secret. When you do, you may notice that the relationship problems and issues about which you were so concerned have totally disappeared. I simply hope that both of you talk about it and try to work through it before one decides to damage the relationship further. Or it’s time both of you turned to a doctor specialising in sexology and seeking professional help.
If you want to consult me, login at Doctorsharmila.in. I wish you all the very best.