(As told to Shashank Maurya)
I asked Tanuja out in July 2009, and we dated until December 2013. It was a first romance for both of us. The first year was filled with euphoria, and even looking into her eyes used to satisfy my heart like nothing else ever did. We sat in the library for hours, and I often tried to hold her hand. Her reaction used to be a sheepish smile, and I attributed that to shyness. I had enough reasons to love her, so I never focused much upon the physical aspect of the relationship.
Related reading: Why my first and perfect date was also my last
The first time I hugged her
A year passed and one evening in August 2010, I was sitting with Tanuja. Class had just finished, and we were completing our notes. By the time we were done, it was 8 pm and she had to get back to her hostel by 8:30 pm. I couldn’t help myself and reached out to touch her lips. She hugged me tight, and I moved my mouth to hers. Our lips touched momentarily, and she pushed me away. There was a look of guilt in her eyes. I loved her so much, that I felt the same feeling of guilt over my desire.
I’m Sharad, by the way, and right now you’re probably wondering if Tanuja was simply too shy and unprepared for the physical aspect of a relationship. You probably think of me as a regular guy whose blood has rushed to below his belt. You’d be right. I was hungry to make love to Tanuja and craving her each moment. Being madly in love with her, and the lack of passion was hard for me to deal with. I wanted her to appreciate the intensity in my eyes, I wished to bare her in front of my eyes and shower love in a way that we had never felt or imagined. On sensing her discomfort, I chose to talk to her directly about making love.
Society has rules to follow
“It has been a year, and I feel we should be more intimate. I cannot hold back for so long,” I pleaded.
“I am as keen as you, but I would like us to be married first,” is all she said.
This convinced ninety per cent of my mind to avoid making love before marriage. I had every intention of marrying Tanuja, so there was no reason to hurry. But the remaining ten per cent of my head was still in turmoil, and I wanted to make love to her, but suppressed it because of the unconditional love that I had for her. Then I had to go for higher studies, and distance intervened. I left India in October 2012, after hugging her bye.
She listened to her father
In a flash, we entered the fourth year of our relationship. I had met her family by that time, and I had entered their good books. That is when I decided to ask her to tell her parents about our marriage plans. She talked to her parents about me and I was told that her brother and mom loved the idea of Tanuja marrying me. Her dad, however, didn’t support the intercaste marriage, and she gave up without a fight. The hug that was supposed to pave way for marriage, acquired the tag of ‘Last Hug’. We never talked again, except in my dreams.
Related reading: She chose her parents over me and I don’t blame her
I never did get to make love to her, and I still wonder if I waited too long. Is it necessary to make love to someone we love? Who do you think is to blame for the situation I am in? This relationship never reached a conclusion and I believe the physical aspect was an important part of it, even if not the only part of it.