Kutshanje ndiphume kubudlelwane obubambeneyo kwaye – isilumkiso somonakalisi – besingesihle. Ukwahlukana kuhlala kunzima kodwa khawube nomfanekiso-ngqondweni wabo ngokuba 10x ngaphezulu benetyala. Leyo, bantu, yindlela endaziva ngayo ndiphelisa obu budlelwane. Eyona nto imbi kukuba kubudlelwane kwakunzima, ukuba akukho ngaphezulu. Kwaye akukhona nje ukubandakanyeka kwimicimbi yothando. Nobudlelwane bosapho okanye lobuhlobo bunokuba buhlungu kwaye buthintele xa i-enmeshment ingena ngaphakathi. Iphela isitya lonke ixesha lakho, ingqalelo, kunye namandla, kube yingozi kuyo yonke enye into ebomini bakho.
Phakama, uyazi ukuba yintoni i-enmeshment, akunjalo? Ewe, nokuba yeyiphi na indlela, ungafuna ukufunda uqhubeke. Kuba kweli nqaku, siza kujonga ngokufutshane ukuba yintoni na ubudlelwane enmeshed kwaye sixoxe ngezinye iindlela zokuyilungisa. Sinazo kunye nathi ukuthandana umqeqeshi Geetarsh Kaur, umseki weSikolo seZakhono esigxile ekwakheni ubudlelwane obuluqilima, sibonelela ngeembono zakhe zobungcali ngalo mba.
Yintoni i-Enmeshment kubudlelwane?
Isiqulatho
Ingqikelelo ye-enmeshment idla ngokuba nzima ukuyiqonda kubudlelwane. Kungaphezulu nje kokuba sisondelelene nomntu. I-Geetarsh uyacacisa, “Xa sithandana, ngokufuthi siyayilibala loo nto kufuneka sibeke imida. Ngexesha elithile, izinto ozithandayo kunye nangazithandiyo ziyacelwa umngeni okanye iqabane lakho likuphathe ngokwahlukileyo koko ubukulindele. Kodwa ekubeni ungafuni ukuphulukana nomntu, uyalibala ukuzoba imigca kwaye umeme iingxaki ezizayo. Yiloo nto ebonakala ngathi umanyano emtshatweni okanye kulwalamano lothando.”
Ubudlelwane - ngakumbi abosapho - kufanele ukuba bube nempilo kwaye buxhase. Kodwa xa kukho ukonakala, olu manyano lukhethekileyo luba semngciphekweni. Thatha nayiphi na inmeshed umama nentombi ubudlelwane umzekelo. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba lungakanani uthando ababelana ngalo, amantombazana ahlala ecaphukela ukubandakanyeka kukanina kubomi babo bobuqu ngenxa yemida efihliweyo.
Cinga ngokuzibandakanya kubudlelwane bothando. Ngamaxesha amaninzi kwi-enmeshed dynamic, elinye iqabane liziva ngathi ubuni babo buyadityaniswa nelinye. Oku kulahlekelwa kwesazisi kukhokelela ekuziphatheni okungenampilo kunye nokungalingani kubudlelwane. Nokuba yeyosapho okanye yothando, i-enmeshment ingenzeka kwinqanaba elithile kubo bonke ubudlelwane obusondeleyo. Abantu ababandakanyekayo bagqibela ngokubethana ngenxa yokuba bengayazi indlela yokucela nokunika indawo yobuqu. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, bobabini abantu kufuneka basebenze kwisitayile sabo sokuncamathisela.
Iimpawu zokuba ukuBudlelwane obubambeneyo
Ethetha ngabathengi ababambelele kubudlelwane obubambekayo, uGeetarsh uyabalisa, “Umxhasi wam wakutshanje uye watshata kwangoko kakhulu.
Kodwa wayeselula gqitha yaye engenangqondo xa wayengena kulwalamano. Wayengazi nowathwethwa ngohlobo lomntu awayelulo yaye wayefuna ntoni ebomini. Wathi akubona oku, ulwalamano awayenalo nomyeni wakhe lwalusele lomelele. Umyeni akazange akwazi ukuqhelana namabhongo neembono zakhe ezintsha.
Uyabona, ukuhlangana emtshatweni kwenza kube nzima ukuba amaqabane ahlule iingcinga neemvakalelo zawo komnye. Izibini ezinjalo ngokufuthi azikwazi ukwahlula apho umntu aphelela khona aze omnye aqale phi. Ubudlelwane obungalungelelananga, njengolu lukhankanywe ngasentla, ludla ngokubanjwa kukubanjwa.
Ubudlelwane oboshiweyo buphawulwa ngabantu abanoluvo olulinganiselweyo lwemida kwaye abazazisi mntu. Baxubile; ukuphulukana noluvo lwabo lobuqu kwinkqubo. Abanakuthelekelela ukuphila ubomi obahlukeneyo. Le nto ayiphelelanga nje kubudlelwane bothando.
Ulwalamano olomeleleyo nabazali luxhaphakile kwiintsapho ezinengxaki yokuvakalisa iimvakalelo nokunxibelelana ngokukhululekileyo. Umntwana onengxaki yokwahlula phakathi kweemvakalelo zakhe nezabazali bakhe usenokukhula engazithembi. Siqulunqe olu luhlu lulandelayo lweempawu ezinokukunceda ubone ukuba ukubudlelwane obubambeneyo na.
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1. Ulahlekelwe yingqondo yakho
Ukuba yonke imizamo yakho ijolise ekufumaneni imvume yeqabane lakho, unayo ulahlekelwe yisazisi sakho kubudlelwane. Kunjengokuba uGeetarsh esitsho: “Ngoku ungowomnye umntu, uziva uxhomekeke kwiqabane lakho ngolonwabo yaye, kwiimeko eziqatha, kwanokuphila.”
Enye yeempawu eziqaqambileyo zobudlelwane obubambekayo kuxa ufumanisa kunzima ukwenza nantoni na ngaphandle kweqabane lakho, kwanezinto ezingadingi ncedo. Awunakucinga ukuba uchitha usuku ngaphandle kweqabane lakho. Kukho uloyiko olungapheliyo xa bephuma egumbini ukuba abasayi kubuya.
2. Abantu obathandayo baxhalabile malunga nobudlelwane
Abahlobo okanye usapho luxhalabile malunga nobudlelwane bakho. Awunabahlobo abaninzi ngaphandle kobudlelwane obubambeneyo. Ubudlelwane buziva busebenzisa yonke into, ngoko akukho xesha labanye abantu okanye imisebenzi. Uziva unexhala okanye ungakhululekanga xa uchitha ixesha kude neqabane lakho.
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3. Uyalilungiselela iqabane lakho
UGeetarsh uthi, “Ubudlelwane obuphilileyo bumalunga nentsebenziswano elinganayo. Ngokuthi ubeka omnye umntu kwisiseko, ibhalansi iyagqwetheka. zisoloko zifuna ukuqinisekiswa kwazo nokwamkelwa.” Xa kukho iqhina emtshatweni, abafazi ngokufuthi baye bayenze le mpazamo ngokufuthi baye boyike umgwebo wamadoda abo kangangokuba bazama ukubakholisa kwanaxa oko kuyabenzakalisa ngokweemvakalelo, engqondweni nasemzimbeni.
4. Uziva unoxanduva kulonwabo lweqabane lakho
Uziva unoxanduva ngeemvakalelo okanye iingxaki zomnye umntu. Ucinga ukuba xa ungancedi, akukho mntu wumbi uyakunceda. Uyakuphepha ukungqubana nomnye umntu. Xa kusenzeka ukungavisisani, kuyacaphukisa kwaye kunzima ukukulungisa. Baba nomona ngalo lonke ixesha abanye abantu besiza kuwe okanye bechitha ixesha nawe. Basenokuba nengxaki ngokuhlonipha indawo yakho yobuqu.
Enmeshment Vs Codependency
I-Enmeshment ayiyonto ifanayo nokuxhomekeka. Umahluko uxhomekeke kwindlela abantu abaxhomekeke ngayo omnye komnye ukuze bafumane inkxaso ngokweemvakalelo nokuzinza. I-Codependency ibonakaliswe ngumntu omnye othembele komnye ukuba ahlangabezane nazo zonke iimfuno zabo, ngelixa ukuxhamla kwenzeka xa abantu ababini okanye ngaphezulu benxibelelana ngokomzwelo kangangokuba bangakwazi ukusebenza ngokuzimeleyo omnye komnye. Makhe sijonge kumzekelo ukuqonda ngcono i-enmeshment vs umahluko wekhowudi.
UJack wenza konke okusemandleni akhe ekuncedeni intombi yakhe, uKaren, ngezinto ezincinci. Uyibona njengembonakaliso entle yothando xa eqhuba idolophu ukuze amkhwelise ukuya evenkileni enkulu. Uhlala eyeka umsebenzi obalulekileyo ukuze abe secaleni kwakhe ngalo lonke ixesha uKaren ejongene neyona ngxaki incinci. Kwangaxeshanye, uJack akabelani ngemiba yakhe noKaren ayeke ukucela uncedo lwakhe.
Ucinga ukuba kuya kwenzeka ntoni ukuba ubudlelwane buqhubeka ngendlela efanayo? Kukho ithuba elifanelekileyo lokuba uKaren axhomekeke ngakumbi kuJack, oya kuthi, naye, azifumane esolula ezama ukubonelela iimfuno kunye neemfuno zeqabane lakhe - nokuba yinyani okanye iyaqondwa. Kodwa ekubeni uJack engaxhomekekanga kuKaren, ubudlelwane abunakuhlulwa njengobunzulu. Oku, enyanisweni, kunjalo imeko eqhelekileyo yokuxhomekeka apho elinye iqabane lithabatha indima yomphi, lize elinye libe ngumthathi.
Indlela yokuSeta imida kuBudlelwane obuQhelekileyo?
Imida ibalulekile kulo naliphi na ubudlelwane bokugcina imvakalelo yokuzimela kunye nokuzimela phakathi kobudlelwane. Kodwa ukuseta imida kunokuba luqilima ngakumbi kulwalamano olubambeneyo. Eyona nto ibalulekileyo kukuba, ukunyaniseka kuwe malunga nento oyifunayo kwaye ufuna.
Kwakhona kufuneka ukulungele ukuthetha ngokukhululekileyo nangokunyaniseka neqabane lakho. Ukuba unokwenza oko, uqalise kwindlela echanekileyo. Apha ngezantsi kukho iindlela zokulungisa imida evaliweyo kwaye usete esempilweni:
1. Nxibelelana ngokukhululekileyo
"Unxibelelwano kuphela kwendlela yokubeka kunye nokuguqula imida kubudlelwane. Akukho ndlela ijikeleze. Kufuneka usebenzise imizekelo yokwenyani ebomini babo ukucacisa indlela abaye babeka ngayo imida owamkeleyo kwaye lixesha lokuba benze okufanayo kuwe. Kumava am, imizekelo ephilayo ihlala isebenza ekuqhubeni inqaku ekhaya, ngakumbi kubudlelwane obusondeleyo." utsho uGeetarsh.
2. Hlola indlela ocinga ngayo iqabane lakho
UGeetarsh ucebisa ngelithi, “Nangona ukunxibelelana ngeemfuno zakho neqabane lakho kulinyathelo lokuqala lokumisela imida, nabo kufuneka babe nesimo sengqondo esifanelekileyo.” Le yingongoma ebaluleke ngakumbi ekufuneka iqwalaselwe. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, ucela umngeni kwimo yobudlelwane bakho ngokuzama ukutshintsha imida edibeneyo. Oku kunokukhokelela kwingxabano enkulu ukuba omnye umntu akakho engqondweni yokuqonda nokwamkela olu tshintsho.
3. MUSA ukukuphepha iingxabano eziyimfuneko
UGeetarsh uthi: “Ngoxa ukuphakamisa ilizwi lakho kunokuba yingozi kwincoko, ukuphulukana nelizwi lakho kunokuba yingozi ngokufanayo kulwalamano. Ukulungisa ubudlelwane obubambeneyo akuyi kuba ngaphandle kweendleko zako. Kuya kubakho imilo kwaye ezinye zazo ziya kuba mbi. Kodwa xa ulwela ubudlelwane obunempilo, ubona ukulwa. Awudingi ukuthuka omnye umntu. Kodwa ukuba ukuthetha inyaniso efunekayo kuya kuba buhlungu, makube njalo.
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Ubudlelwane obudityanisiweyo bunokuba nzima ukuhamba. Ukuba uziva ngathi ukubudlelwane obudibeneyo, kubalulekile ukubeka imida kwaye ufunde indlela yokunxibelelana ngokufanelekileyo. Nangona kungumsebenzi onzima, ubalulekile kubo bobabini abantu ababandakanyekayo kubudlelwane. Kubalulekile ukufumana uncedo ukuba uziva ngathi awulawuleki kobakho ubomi. Siyathemba ukuba eli nqaku libe luncedo. Ngoncedo olungaphezulu, nceda uqhagamshelane nephaneli yethu yeengcali.
FAQs
Ukuphelisa ubudlelwane obubambeneyo akukaze kube lula. Kunokuba ngumceli mngeni omkhulu ukuzikhupha kubudlelwane obuye bachitha yonke into. Elona cebiso libalulekileyo ngeli lixa ukuphelisa ubudlelwane obufihliweyo kukungacaci ngokupheleleyo. Kuya kufuneka ukwenze kucace ukuba ubudlelwane buphelile kwaye awufuni ukuphinda uhlaziye ukwenzakala ngokweemvakalelo nangasiphi na isizathu. Khumbula, ufanelwe kukonwaba nokuba sempilweni, nokuba impilo-ntle yakho iza kuqala.
I-Narcissistic enmeshment luhlobo lokungasebenzi kakuhle kobudlelwane apho elinye iqabane lithembele ngokugqithisileyo kwelinye ukuze liqinisekise kunye nokuzichaza. Idla ngokubonwa kubudlelwane apho elinye iqabane li-narcissistic kwaye elinye lixhomekeke.
Iqabane le-narcissistic lifuna ukuhoywa rhoqo kunye nokuncoma, ngelixa iqabane elixhomekeke kwi-codependent linikezela ubuni babo kwaye lizixakekise ngokuhlangabezana neemfuno zeqabane labo. Oku kukhokelela kumjikelo wokuxhomekeka kunye nokuphathwa gadalala apho iqabane elixhomekeke kuye lingaze likwazi ukufumana iimfuno zalo.
Ukwazana kwabazali ligama elisetyenziselwa ukuchaza ulwalamano apho abazali bebandakanyeke ngokugqithiseleyo kubomi bomntwana wabo. Oku kunokubonakala njengoko abazali besoloko bezama ukulawula umntwana wabo okanye begxeka ngokugqithiseleyo. Ezinye iingcali zikholelwa ukuba ukunyanyekelwa ngabazali kunokuba yingozi, kuba kunokonakalisa amandla omntwana okwakha ulwalamano oluhle njengomntu omdala.
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Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
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