Ukuziva unesithukuthezi kubudlelwane kunokukuthathela engxakini nakumandla akho nomnye umntu. Nokuba siyintoni na isizathu, sesinye sezalathi ezibonisa ukuba ubudlelwane bakho buyehla. Umgama omde, iiyure zokusebenza ezinde okanye ukungoneliseki nje kunokuqalisa ngokukhawuleza ukwenza uzive ngathi uwedwa kolu budlelwane.
Kutheni abantu bangena kubudlelwane kwindawo yokuqala? Ayilothando kuphela, inkxaso kunye nokutsala umdla. Kambe ke, ezi zezona zizathu zibangela ukuba bathandane kodwa umnqweno wokuzibophelela nomnqweno wokuchitha ubomi babo nomntu omnye ngokuyintloko ubangelwa yintswelo yobuqabane. Ngelishwa, inyaniso ayisoloko igudile njengoko nomtshato awusosiqinisekiso sokuba awuzukuqala ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane.
Nge-psychotherapist Snigdha Mishra (Ingcaphephe kwi-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) evela kwi-Beck Institute, Philadelphia, USA kunye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapies (REBT), iClinical Hypnotherapy kunye ne-Emotional Freedom Therapy) osempilweni yengqondo kunye nomqeqeshi wokuziphatha, masityhile kwaye siqonde ukuba yintoni ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane.
Kuthetha ukuthini Ukuba Wedwa kubudlelwane?
Isiqulatho
Isenokuvakala ingaqhelekanga kodwa ngamanye amaxesha ubomi buphosa iibhola ezigobileyo kangangokuba eyona nto ubuyinqwenela kakhulu iba ngunobangela wentlungu yakho enkulu. Xa uqala ukuziva ungakhululekanga kulwalamano, kudla ngokubonakaliswa ngobulolo kuqala.
Apha kwakhona kuyimfuneko ukuchaza umahluko phakathi kokuba wedwa kunye nesithukuthezi. I-Psychotherapist, utitshala wezempilo yengqondo kunye noMseki we-Life Surfers, Snigdha Mishra icacisa kakuhle. “Ukuziva ulilolo kulwalamano kuthetha ukuba uziva wahlukanisiwe ngokwasengqondweni, ngokwemali nangokomoya.” Unokuziva ulilolo phezu kwako nje ukuhlala nomntu iminyaka engama-20. Kwelinye icala, xa uziva ‘uwedwa,’ kudla ngokuba sisizathu, ngoko ke, ukuba iqabane lakho nihlala kwizixeko okanye amazwe ahlukeneyo, ngokwemvelo uya kuba wedwa.”
USnigdha uhlabela mgama esithi: “Isithukuthezi sisimo sengqondo. Iimpawu zobulolo kubudlelwane (ngokuchasene nokuba wedwa) zonke ziqhelekile. Uziva unqanyuliwe nangona ukunye neqabane lakho, kangangokuba kungabikho ndawo iqhelekileyo yonxibelelwano.
Okubaluleke ngakumbi, ulonwabo luyaphela kubudlelwane bakho kwaye uqala ukuva ukuba uthando lujike lululolo. Usenokuba wenza zonke "izinto ezimbini" njengokuphuma ngeeholide ezingaqhelekanga, ukonwaba, kunye nokuya kumatheko kunye ngalo lonke ixesha uziva ubungcwele njengoko uqhubeka uziva ulusizi kwaye ulilolo kubudlelwane bakho.
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Indlela yokuhlangabezana nokuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane
Ngaba ubuhlobo bukwenza uzive ulilolo? Nangona isenokuvakala iyimpoxo, ngokuqinisekileyo inokuba njalo. Zininzi izinto ezibangela ubulolo obungena kubudlelwane. Eyona nto iphambili kuzo kukungabikho kolwalamano olusondeleyo ngokweemvakalelo nangokwasemzimbeni. Xa uyeka ukudibanisa neqabane lakho okanye iqabane lexesha elide kwinqanaba elisondeleyo, uqala ukwahlukana phakathi kobudlelwane bakho. Ulwalamano luphela luvakalelwa njengomsebenzi.
Izinto onomdla kuzo zisenokungahambelani kwakhona njengoko inqanaba lokuhambelana lihlala lincipha. Oku kubangela ukudodobala ngakumbi konxibelelwano phakathi kwenu nobabini, okukhokelela kwisithukuthezi esingapheliyo, ukukruquka, kunye nemvakalelo ye-ennui.
Kuyavunywa ukuba kunzima ukuqhubeka nokuzenzisa kwaye uqhubeke xa unesithukuthezi. Ngaphezu koko, oku kuzihlukanisa kukhokelela kwiingxaki ezinkulu kunye nokuqhekeka kobudlelwane ekugqibeleni. Ukuba awufuni kuhla ngalo ndlela, nazi iindlela zokuhlangabezana:
1. Chonga iimvakalelo zeqabane lakho
Nanjengoko usokola nokuziva ulilolo kwaye ungathandwa kubudlelwane, chonga ezona zizathu zisuka kuzo ezi mvakalelo. Okona kubaluleke kakhulu, fumanisa ukuba iqabane lakho livakalelwa ngendlela efanayo. "Uhlala ubambeke kakhulu kwiimvakalelo zakho kangangokuba ungazikhathazi ngokucinga ukuba isiqingatha sakho esingcono siziva njani," utshilo uSnigdha.
Kuya kuba kukuzingca ukucinga ukuba nguwe wedwa onaye iingxaki kubudlelwane. Ukuba uyaqaphela ukuba neqabane lakho okanye iqabane lakho akonwabanga ncam, ke yonke imeko ifuna indlela eyahlukileyo kakhulu. Ke kuqala zama ukuba nenjongo kwaye ufumanise ukuba nguwe wedwa oziva ulilolo kubudlelwane okanye ukuba iqabane lakho nalo liziva lingasebenzi ngokulinganayo.
2. Khangela into ebangela ukuba uzive ulilolo kubudlelwane
Zonke iimeko zobulolo zinokuba nesizathu okanye isizathu esinamandla emva kwaloo nto. Mhlawumbi ngaphambili, nobabini beningakwazi ukwanelana. Uqhubekile ngemihla, wathetha ngefowuni ngalo lonke ixesha kwaye wawungabanduleli bePDA. Kodwa kukho into etshintshileyo mva nje kwaye ngoku lixesha lokukhomba ukuba inokuba yintoni na. Cinga ixesha elide kwaye nzima (uluhlu ukuba uyafuna) malunga nezizathu ezenza uzive ulilolo. Ingaba ngumgama ngokwasemzimbeni? Ngaba awuhambelani? Ngaba umsantsa wonxibelelwano unyukile? Okanye ngomnye umntu?
Kufuneka kubekho isizathu esomeleleyo sokuba kutheni kubudlelwane kodwa uzive ngathi a indoda engatshatanga okanye umfazi. Chonga iimeko, ezidlulileyo okanye zangoku, ezibangele ezi mvakalelo kunye neemvakalelo ezihlisa amandla akho. Nje ukuba ufumanise ezona zizathu, unokusebenza kuzo.
3. Fumanisa ukuba iimvakalelo zakho zinyanisekile kusini na
Snigdha uthi: “Ngaba uziva ulilolo okanye ulilolo ngokwenene?” Lo mbuzo unokuphendula amathandabuzo amaninzi. “Abanye abantu baphathwa kakubi yaye bazisizela.” Xa ujonga le nto ngendlela ecacileyo, amaqabane abo asenokuba enza konke okusemandleni awo ukuze onwabe kodwa abonakale engaqondi.
Kwakhona kusenokwenzeka ukuba ngenxa yezizathu zangaphandle, umntu akhwankqiswe ngokweemvakalelo kangangokuba ade angayazi indlela yokuhlangabezana nayo. Kwaye ke baqala ukugxeka ubudlelwane okanye iqabane labo xa eneneni ziingxaki zabo zangaphakathi ezinokuthi zichaphazele ubudlelwane. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, uSnigdha ucebisa ukuba uhambe unyango lwesibini okanye unyango lomntu ngamnye.
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4. Zibandakanye nesisombululo ngaphandle kobudlelwane
Impendulo yokuba 'kutheni ndiziva ndibuhlungu yaye ndililolo kulwalamano lwam?' angabikho neqabane lakho. Kaninzi ubeka umthwalo wokufuna ukhuseleko lweemvakalelo emagxeni eqabane lakho. Ngenxa yokulambatha nokuba nesithukuthezi otyhubela kubo, uye uthande ukusebenzisa iintonga zeqabane lakho ukufuna uncedo. USnigdha uthi: “Kodwa iqabane lakho lisenokungakwazi ukufana okanye lingakwazi ukuyenza loo nto. "Kwaye ke ukuphoxeka kunye nabo kuyanda."
Endaweni yoko, zivumele ukuba wakhe ukomelela kwaye uchonge apho ungafuna khona inkxaso. Mhlawumbi indlela yokuba uyeke ukuziva ulilolo kulwalamano kukufuna isisombululo ngaphandle kwalo. Yenza usukelo olutsha olungabandakanyeki kulwalamano lwakho kwaye ugxininise ingqalelo yakho kubo. Ngokuthe ngcembe, ubulolo bakho buya kuphela.
5. Phuhlisa izinto ezintsha zokuzonwabisa kunye nezinto ezinomdla xa uziva ulusizi kwaye ulilolo kubudlelwane
Eli nqaku lisondele kakhulu kwinto ebesiyixubushe kwinqaku elidlulileyo. Xa uzifumana usondela ekubeni nesithukuthezi, kubalulekile ukuziphazamisa ngendlela eyakhayo. Eyona ndlela ingcono yokwenza oko kukuphuhlisa izinto ezintsha zokuzonwabisa kunye nezinto onomdla kuzo ukuze uziphazamise. Ngokuqinisekileyo, unobomi obungaphaya kobudlelwane bakho.
Cinga ngezinye iinkalo zobomi bakho kwaye uchonge izinto othanda ukuchitha ixesha uzenza. Funda ubugcisa obutsha okanye ubugcisa. Zibekele iinjongo ezintsha zomsebenzi wakho. Joyina iklabhu kwaye udibane namalungu amatsha. Nika amandla akho ekukhuliseni ubuchule bakho bokuyila. Oku kuya kukukhokelela kwindlela entsha ngokupheleleyo. Mhlawumbi ngale ndlela, usenokuqonda ukuba isithukuthezi sakho ngokwenene yayisisithukuthezi esiye sanyangeka xa sele uthembisene ngakumbi.
6. Yiba nobudlelwane obuqinileyo obungeyonto yothando
Enye yeenyaniso ezingathandekiyo kwiziko lomtshato kukuba ulindele ukuba ibe sisiphelo-yonke-futhi-ube-bonke ubomi bakho. Ulindele ukuba lo mba mnye wobomi bakho uzalisekise zonke iimfuno zakho – ngokwasemzimbeni, ngokweemvakalelo, ngokwesondo nangokomoya.
“Ayisebenzi ngolo hlobo,” utsho uSnigdha. "Ubudlelwane abunakukunika yonke into oyifunayo." Kungoko kubalulekile ukwakha ubuhlobo ngaphandle komtshato. Ukuba akunjalo, uya kuhlala uxhomekeke kwiqabane lakho kwaye uqale ukuziva ulilolo kwaye ungathandwa kubudlelwane.
Phuma uye kumboniso bhanyabhanya, amatheko, uhambe kunye nabantu abanengqondo efanayo kwaye wandise inethiwekhi yakho. Kodwa yigcine i-platonic ukuba abahlobo bakho ngabesini esahlukileyo, hleze wenze izinto zibe nzima ngakumbi.
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7. Thetha neqabane lakho
Yazisa iqabane lakho indlela oziva ngayo. Isenokuthi okanye ingayifuni impendulo oyinqwenelayo - angayiqonda imeko yakho okanye mhlawumbi ibenze bahlukane ngakumbi. Awunakukwazi ukulawula oko kodwa ukuthetha ngayo kubalulekile ukuba ufuna ukuyeka ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane.
Mhlawumbi nobabini ninokusebenza kunye ekucombululeni iingxaki. Kwanamanyathelo amancinci njengokuthatha uhambo lwempelaveki okanye uhambo oluncinci anokusebenza kakuhle ukubuyisela intlantsi. Ukuba akukho nto yimbi, baya kuyazi into ojongene nayo.
8.Yehlisa isantya kwaye uthathe ikhefu ukuba uziva ulilolo kwaye ungathandwa kubudlelwane
Ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane nako kunokubangelwa kukuxakeka kakhulu kwezinye iinkalo zobomi. Mhlawumbi awukwazi ukunikela ixesha kubudlelwane bakho ngenxa yeemfuno zakho zomsebenzi okanye iishedyuli zobuzali. Mhlawumbi uthando luphelile emtshatweni wakho ngenxa yeengxaki eziqhelekileyo zobomi. Eyakho Umsebenzi wobomi kungenzeka ukuba uthathe hit kwaye oko kunokubangela ezi ngxaki kubudlelwane bakho.
Kule meko, into oyifunayo ngokwenene ikhefu. Ngamanye amaxesha, luluvo oluhle ukuthoba isantya, ukuphefumlela phezulu, ukubeka ezinye izinto kwi-burner yangasemva kwaye ubeke ingqalelo kubudlelwane bakho. Endaweni yokuba udinwe kwaye usebenze kakhulu ngenxa yokuvuselela kakhulu, nika umzimba kunye nengqondo ukuphumla kunye nokuphumla okufanelekileyo.
9. Ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane obukude? Phinda uqhagamshelane nesiqu sakho kwaye uziqhelise ukuzithanda
Ubudlelwane obude buzisa inkitha yemizabalazo kunye neziganeko ezibalulekileyo. Yaye xa ungakwazi ukuhambisana nezo, usenokuqalisa ukuziva udimazekile yaye mhlawumbi ude uqalise ukuziva ulilolo kulwalamano olusenyongweni. Kunokuba uhlale ufuna uthando nengqalelo kwiqabane lakho elikude, jika amandla akho kuwe.
Ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane kukwathetha ukuba awunalo ukuzithanda. Mhlawumbi uxhomekeke kwabanye (kule meko, iqabane lakho okanye iqabane lakho) ukuze uzive ungcono kwaye ube khona kuwe. Kodwa ekubeni bekude kakhulu, abanakusoloko beyenza ngendlela obulindele ukuba benze ngayo. Ngoko ke yeka ukudlulisela uxanduva lwaloo nto kwabanye. Endaweni yoko, funda ukuba ngumhlobo wakho osenyongweni kwaye ziqhelise ukuzithanda.
Xa uqala ukuthanda inkampani yakho, ngenene awuzukuphoswa ukuba neqabane lakho likujikelezile ngalo lonke ixesha. Zixakekise ngokwenza izinto ozithandayo nokuba phakathi kwabantu obathandayo. Camngca kwaye uzame ukunxulumana nesiqu sakho sangaphakathi.
10. Funa uncedo lweengcali
Ngaba ubuhlobo bukwenza uzive ulilolo? Ewe. Ngaba obo bulolo bunokuchaphazela ezinye iinkalo zobomi bakho? Kwakhona, ewe. Ubulolo obuhlala ixesha elide bunokuba nefuthe kwimpilo yakho yengqondo. Oku kunokukhokelela ekudakaleni okanye okubi ngakumbi njengoko uqala ukurhoxa kwiimeko zentlalo. Uyomeleza inkolelo yokuba akufanelanga ukonwaba.
Unyango lunokukunceda lungisa kwaye uhlengahlengise iinkolelo zakho kumbindi. Maxa wambi, iyeza lobulolo likukuzicwangcisa ngokutsha. Ukutshintsha kwesimo sengqondo kunokukhokelela ekutshintsheni kokwenyani. Esikhundleni sokukhangela izizathu zokuhlala unesithukuthezi, ngoncedo lonyango, unokutshintsha iingcamango zakho zibe ngcono.
11. Zama kwaye utshintshe indlela ophila ngayo
Kuba isithukuthezi kubudlelwane sinokunxulunyaniswa nezinye iingxaki zempilo yengqondo njengokwanda koxinzelelo kunye noxinzelelo olufihliweyo, ukutshintsha indlela ophila ngayo kunokunceda ekunciphiseni le miba. Ukulala ngokwaneleyo, ukutya okunempilo, ukukhathalela umzimba nengqondo yakho zonke ziyinxalenye yendlela yokuzinyamekela.
Kuphephe ukusebenzisa utywala okanye ukuxhomekeka kwiziyobisi ukuze unciphise ubulolo bakho. Kuphela zenza izinto zibe mbi ngakumbi. Endaweni yoko, nikela amandla afanayo ekwakheni indlela yokuphila engcono kunye nokubumba umzimba wakho. Impembelelo ayizukubonwa kwangoko kodwa inokuhamba indlela ende ekulweni uziva ulilolo kwaye ungathandwa kubudlelwane.
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12. Ukuba uziva ulilolo kwaye ungathandwa kubudlelwane, khulisa obunye ubudlelwane bakho
Ubomi yinto oyenzayo kubo. Ngelixa unxibelelwano lwakho lwangoku lothando lusenokunganiniki ulonwabo olulufaneleyo, jonga ngobunono kwinto ehamba OKULUNGILEYO endaweni yokuchitha amandla akho kwinto engalunganga.
Khulisa ubuhlobo bakho kwaye uqale ukuchitha ixesha elininzi nabahlobo. Thatha ixesha nabantwana bakho, abantakwenu kunye nabazali. Phuma nabahlobo bakho rhoqo kwaye uzame ukwakha ubuhlobo obutsha. Isenokungaluncedi ulwalamano lwakho lwangoku kodwa ngokuqinisekileyo iya kukunceda umelane nesithukuthezi sakho ngcono kwaye uqonde ukuba kukho uthando oluninzi ngaphandle kwakho!
13 Musa ukuthandabuza uthando onalo
Ukuziva unesithukuthezi kubudlelwane sele kuxhaphake kakhulu kule mihla kwaye awunakubekwa tyala ngokukholelwa ukuba uthando luye lwathatyathelwa indawo bubulolo. Nangona kunjalo, zama ukuba ungathandabuzi inkathalo, uthando kunye nothando olunidibanise kuqala.
Nangona unokuziva umgama ngokwasemzimbeni nangokweemvakalelo phakathi kwakho neqabane lakho ngokuqatha, oko akuthethi ukuba undoqo wobudlelwane bakho utshintshile. Inokubuyiselwa ngomzamo kunye nokuzimisela ngaphandle kokuba uthando lwakho ngaye luye lwaphela ngokupheleleyo, okanye uziva ukwi ubudlelwane bobuxoki, ungalilahli ithemba.
14. Yenza amava ekwabelwana ngawo ngabom ukuba uziva ulilolo kubudlelwane
Oku kunzima kodwa ukuba uzimisele ngokubuyisela imvakalelo elahlekileyo yokuba kunye, amanye amanyathelo ngabom okubuyisela iqabane lakho kwihlabathi lakho abalulekile. Yenza amaxesha amava ekwabelwana ngawo ukuze uyeke ukuzibuza, "Kutheni ndiziva ndibuhlungu kwaye ndililolo neqabane lam?"
Umzekelo, bajoyine ngelixa besonwabela umdlalo webhola ekhatywayo. Bancede ekhitshini. Yenza intetho encinci. Phucula unxibelelwano kubudlelwane. Ngamanye amazwi, musa ukuthandabuza ukubonisa ukuba uzama ukwenza izinto zisebenze. Usenokukholelwa ukuba ekubeni iNGUWE oziva ulilolo, akufuneki wenze umgudu. Kodwa eyona nto iphambili kukuba - awubenzeli bona, wenzela wena.
15. Yazi xa ilixesha lokuhamba
Kuvakala kungqongqo, siyazi, kodwa awukwazi ukulwa nesithukuthezi ngaphezu kwenqaku. Akufunekanga uphume emtshatweni wakho okanye kubudlelwane bexesha elide ngaphandle kokwenza umzamo kodwa uqhwithela kufuneka uphephe zombini. Iqabane lakho kufuneka lifune ukukunceda kangangoko ufuna ukuzinceda.
Ukuba, phezu kwayo nje yonke imigudu, omnye wenu akanantshukumisa okanye injongo yokusebenzela ekwenzeni ulwalamano lube lololonwabisayo, mhlawumbi ngoku lixesha lokuluphelisa. Ngandlel’ ithile, kubhetele ukuba uhambe ngendlela yakho uze ufumane ulonwabo kunokulindela ukuba imeko ibe maxongo ngakumbi.
Ukuziva unesithukuthezi kubudlelwane yindalo xa uyeka ukuziva unxibelelwano kodwa kukho iindlela zokulwa. Qala ngokuthetha neqabane lakho, ukuba neencoko kunye nesiqu sakho kwaye okona kubaluleke ngakumbi ukulungele ukuhamba umgama owongezelelweyo ekutsaleni wena kunye nobudlelwane bakho ngaphandle kwe-morass oye wangena kuyo.
FAQs
Ubudlelwane kufuneka bukwenze uzive wonwabile kwaye unxibelelene. Ufuna ukwabelana ngothando lwakho kwaye uzive ungowabanye. Ifanele ikwenze uzive ukhuselekile ukuba kukho umntu ozikhathaleleyo iimvakalelo zakho.
Ukuziva ulilolo kubudlelwane kuya kuxhaphaka kule mihla. Isenokuba ngenxa yokungabikho konxibelelwano okanye ukungabikho kobudlelwane obusondeleyo ngokweemvakalelo nangokwasemzimbeni.
Kunzima ukutsho ukuba kubudlelwane okanye ukungatshati kungcono kuba enye nenye ineebuhle nezibi zayo. Kubudlelwane, kukho uhlengahlengiso oluninzi kunye nokulalanisa umntu ekufuneka ekwenzile ukuqinisekisa ukuba kuyaphumelela.
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
