Ngemva kokutholakala kokungathembeki, ngokuvamile sicabanga ukuthi umlingani okhohliswa nguye kuphela olimele. Ungamangali uma sikutshela, ukukopela kuyamlimaza nomkhohlisi. Yebo, ukuzwe kahle, umkhohlisi/umlingani ongathembekile angase abonakale evamile futhi aqhubeke nokukhohlisa kuze kutholakale. Kodwa lapho ukukhohlisa sekuvela obala, yilapho bedlula ezigabeni ezihlukene zecala ngemva kokukopela, okungase kube ukugibela kwemizwa.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kutholakala kanjani ukuqomisana, isambulo siletha igalelo elikhulu ebudlelwaneni bombhangqwana. Endabeni yemibhangqwana eshadile, ama-ripples angazwakala nasezindabeni zomndeni. Kuthinta umngane womshado oye wakhashelwa, izingane, abazali, abasekhweni, nabo bonke abaseduze nabo. Ukutholwa kwangemva kwezindaba kulapho ukuguqulwa kuqala khona futhi izimpawu zecala lomkhohlisi ziqala ukuvela. Eqinisweni, abantu abasezindabeni bangase bezwe ukwanda kokukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka okuqhutshwa unembeza onecala nakuba bengakabanjwa oqotsheni.
Nakuba ukucekelwa phansi okulethwa isigameko sokungathembeki kusagxilile, isimo sengqondo somlingani okhohlisayo ngokuvamile siphushwa eceleni. Kodwa lokho akusho ukuthi umkhohlisi uhlala engapheli amandla ngemva kokuvela kwesiphambeko sakhe. Asikhanyisele izigaba ezihlukene zokuba necala ngemva kokukopela, ngemininingwane yochwepheshe evela kuchwepheshe wezengqondo. UJaseena Backer (MS Psychology), ongungoti wokuphatha ubulili nobudlelwano.
Ubhekana kanjani nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela?
Okuqukethwe
Uma uzama ukufihla ukuthi uyajola, akuphakamisi umbuzo wokuthi 'uzobanjwa' yini, kodwa kunalokho 'uzobanjwa nini'. Yindaba yesikhathi kuphela. Imfihlo kaCynthia ukujola nomuntu osebenza naye ayizange ihlale ngaphansi kwekhava isikhathi eside. Ngemva kokukhohlisa isoka lakhe, ukuzisola nokuba necala kwamsinda kakhulu. Kwaphela izinsuku engaphumi endlini, engafuni nokubona muntu. Kwakubonakala sengathi lesi siqephu sokucindezeleka sasingeke sibeke umshado wakhe kuphela, kodwa nomsebenzi wakhe engcupheni.
Uyabona, kuwuphawu lwethemba ukuthi uzizwa kabi ngokufaka isithandwa sakho osizini nokululazeka okungaka. Kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo, kubalulekile ukuzidonsa ndawonye ngaphambi kokuba izimpawu zecala ngemva kokukopela zithinte kuzo zonke izici zokuphila kwakho. Ungaqala kanjani ngokungabi nokhahlo kakhulu kuwe? Ngakho-ke ube nephutha ngesikhathi esisodwa ekwahluleleni. Bekufanele wazi kangcono. Kodwa sonke senziwa amaphutha abantu. Akusho ukuthi ungumuntu omubi ngokwemvelo.
I-oda lokuqala lebhizinisi ukwamukela ukuthi wenze iphutha futhi ayikho indlela yokubuyela emuva bese uhlehlisa. Awukwazi ukuvumela lokho kuchaze wena noma inkambo yobudlelwano bakho. Ngaphambi kokuba ubhajwe ezigabeni ze-a umjikelezo ononya owakhashelwa umngane womshado (ukutholwa, ukusabela, ukwenza izinqumo, ukuqhubekela phambili), guqula ukugxila kwakho ngokuphelele esenzweni sakho esilandelayo. Ingabe uzimisele ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni futhi ubulungise? Bese wengeza konke okunyakazayo ukuze ukhombise umlingani wakho ukuthi usukulungele ukwenza noma yibuphi ubude ukulungisa izinto.
Manje awazi ukuthi bazosabela kabi kangakanani, noma bayoke bakubuyisele emuva noma cha. Wona kanye umcabango walokho kungqubuzana kungase kubangele ukukhathazeka ngemva kokukopela umlingani. Kodwa wenza okuncane kwakho ngokwethembeka okuphelele futhi ushiye okunye kubo. Kusho ukuthini uma uthi uxolo; futhi ugcine izwi lakho lokwakha kabusha ukwethembana. Buza umlingani wakho ukuthi angathanda ukuthi wenzeni ukuze ulawule umonakalo.
Futhi ekugcineni, yiba mnene kuwe. Thatha amanothi emaphutheni. Shintsha into noma ezimbili ngawe uma kudingeka. Kodwa ukwahlulela njalo nokuzishaya kuzokwenza ukukhathazeka kube kubi nakakhulu. Khuluma nomngane omethembayo ngohlangothi lwakho lwendaba. Vakashela umelaphi mhlawumbe, kungaba uwedwa noma nophathina wakho. Uma kuwusizo olufunayo, abeluleki abanekhono nabanolwazi kulo Iphaneli ye-Bonobology ye-experts zilapha kuwe.
Izigaba Zokuba Necala Ngemva Kokukopela - Lokho Umkhohlisi Adlula Khona
Nakuba injabulo yokuqala yokuqomisana ngaphandle komshado iphakamisa okuthile kumkhohlisi, ukutholwa ngemva kwe-affair kwenza umkhohlisi adlule ezigabeni zokuba necala ngemva kokukopela. Lezi zimpawu zecala lokukopela zigcwele uchungechunge lwemizwa efana namahloni, ukukhathazeka, ukuzisola, ukudideka, ukuphoxeka, ukuzinyanya, nokukhathazeka. Le mizwa ingabalwa phakathi kwezimpawu azikhohlisile futhi azizwe enecala noma akhohlise futhi manje udliwa nomuzwa wecala ngezenzo zakhe.
U-Andrew, omunye wabafundi bethu baseNew York, usanda kuvuma icala lokuthandana nomkakhe owathatha unyaka wonke. Uthi, “Ngaba nokukhathazeka okukhulu ngoba ngangikopela, angibange ngisakwazi ukuzibamba. vuma ukukopela, aqede obunye ubuhlobo. Kodwa manje ngikhathazeke nakakhulu, ngikhathazeka ngokuthi ngizothini uma engishiya.” Abantu abasezindabeni bangase bezwe ukwanda kokukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka, nakuba kungekho muntu onozwela ngezinhliziyo zabo ezikhathazekile.
Uma kutholwa ukuqomisana, ubukhulu bethonya lezenzo zabo kushaya ngempela umkhohlisi futhi bazizwe bedabukile kanye nobuhlungu bezinqumo zabo ezimbi. Le micabango enyakazayo kanye ne-rollercoaster yemizwa ingaba nomthelela empilweni yengqondo yomkhohlisi. Kwezinye izimo, umthelela ungase ube mubi kakhulu futhi ubonakale kangangokuthi kukushiya uzibuza, “Ingabe ukuba necala lokukopela kungabangela ukucindezeleka?” Impendulo ithi yebo; kunobufakazi obanele besayensi obubonisa ukuthi imizwa yecala, ihlazo, nokuzisola ngemva kokukopela ingabangela ukucindezeleka.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izigaba Zokubuyisela Ukungathembeki Ukuphulukisa Endabeni
Kodwa-ke, umuntu kufanele akhumbule ukuthi umkhohlisi uhlale eqaphela ukulimala okungase kube khona kanye nokulimala okungabangelwa izenzo zakhe. Kodwa njengoba imiphumela ingasondeli, bangase baqhubeke nokungathembeki ngaphandle kokuzisola ngoba kufeza izidingo ezithile, beqaphela noma benganakile.
Kodwa-ke, ukutholwa kokuqomisana kuyawubhidliza lolu shintsho. Injabulo, isasasa, nanoma yisiphi esinye isidingo ebesiqhuba ukungathembeki kuthatha indawo engemuva bese icala lithatha izintambo. Lapha kubalulekile futhi ukuqaphela umehluko wecala vs ukuzisola. Izimpawu zecala ngemva kokukopela zingachazwa kangcono njengesikhumbuzo esingakhululekile sokwenza okuthile okungalungile kuyilapho ukuzisola kukucindezela ukuba uthathe izinyathelo eziqinile zokulungisa umonakalo owudalile.
Ukuzisola kukwenza ufune intethelelo kanti icala liholela ekugwemeni. Lokhu kuyachaza kungani umuntu okhohlisayo engabonisi ukuzisola uma nje bekhombisa izimpawu zecala lomkhohlisi. Ngokusekelwe kulokhu kuqonda, ake sibheke izigaba ezahlukene zecala ngemva kokukopela, ezitholakala kulokho okwenzeka kubantu esikhulume nabo. Lezi yizigaba ongazilindela ukuthi umkhohlisi adlule kuzo ngemuva kokuthola udaba:
1. Ukuphika
Esinye sezigaba zecala ngemva kokukopela ukuphika. Ifika ekuqaleni komjikelezo womlingani okhashiwe ngemva kokutholakala kokuthandana. Lapho umngane womshado ongathembekile exoshwa, basabela ngokuphika. Njengoba icala lokukopela lingena lingena, baqala ukwenza 'ubuciko bokukhohlisa'. Bazama ukufihla iqiniso ngokubonisa ukukopela izimpawu zecala ngoba befuna ukunamathela ekuphikeni ngemva kokukopela. Bazozama futhi bazame ukukhohlisa ngezindlela ezahlukene nezingabazekayo.
UJulia, 28, ongumdansi, uthi: “Ngabhekana nomyeni wami ngemva kokuzwa ngendaba yokujola kwakhe nelangabi lakhe elidala, waphika, ngambonisa bonke ubufakazi, kodwa waphinda waphika. Ngamkhipha ngakusasa futhi wamema nomunye wesifazane, kodwa akazange avume ukuthi wangikhohlisa. Wazama ukungikhohlisa ephindelela lapho ebona ukuthi ucabanga ukuthi ubani nje. Ukuziphatha komkhohlisi lapho ephika kungase kukushiye uzibuza ukuthi kungani umuntu okhohlisayo ebonisa ukungazisoli.
Jaseena uthi, “Ngesikhathi sokuphika icala, umkhohlisi wenza konke ukukhombisa ukuthi akenzanga lutho olubi.” Umkhohlisi uzama ukukufihla lokho futhi uzama ukuzenza njengomuntu ongenacala nonothando. Njengoba ukukhathazeka ngemva kokukopela umlingani kuqala, bazama ukufihla ngisho izinto ezincane. ucabanga ukuthi ngingenza into enjalo?" Umkhohlisi uyaphika ngemva kokukopela, yingakho echitha sona kanye isenzo sokukopela kanye nomthelela wako.”
2. Intukuthelo
Intukuthelo isobala impela ukukopela uphawu lwecala. Asikhulume iqiniso, akekho ofuna ukubanjwa ephutheni, ikakhulukazi hhayi umkhohlisi osengozini enkulu. Lesi sigaba sokuba necala ngemva kokukopela siphinde sibizwe ngokuthi 'isigaba sokuhoxa'. Kulesi sigaba secala ngemuva kokukopela, umkhohlisi use-funk. Izimpawu zecala lomkhohlisi zivame ukufihlwa yintukuthelo, esuke iphambili.
Manje bancishwa 'okuphezulu' ababekuphiwa nguphathina wabo, banomuzwa wokuthi banqanyuliwe komunye umuntu. Babhekana nokukhathazeka kanye nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela, futhi kuningi ukuphinda kwenzeke. Ukucasuka kanye nentukuthelo ngemva kokukopela kubenza basheshe njalo lapho uzama ukuba nengxoxo mayelana nesiqephu sabo sokukopela. Izigaba zokuthukuthela ngemva kokungathembeki ziza ngokushesha ngemva kokuphika futhi zingahlala isikhathi eside.
UJaseena uthi, “Intukuthelo ngemva kokukopela iyalingana futhi ihambisana nokuphika ngemva kokukopela.Ngokubonisa ukwethembeka nobuqotho, omunye umngane womshado umi ngokuqinile, okwenza lowo okhohlisayo angene esimweni sokuthukuthela. Futhi izigaba zentukuthelo ngemva kokungethembeki ziyadedelwa.Lokhu kuqubuka kwenzeka ngoba izinto eziningi zonakele ngasohlangothini lwabo.
"Iphuzu eliyinhloko ukuthi ubuhlobo obuhle umkhohlisi ayenabo ngaphandle kobudlelwano obuyinhloko abukwazi ukuqhubeka. Intukuthelo ingase iphakame ngokuthi lowo othandana naye cishe ushiywe ocingweni, engazi ukuthi kwenzekani emndenini othole ukukopela. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umlingani wabo womshado noma umlingani wabo oyinhloko angase afune ukwazi imininingwane yecala, okungenza umkhohlisi azizwe ephonswa ekhoneni, okuholela ekuphenduleni kwentukuthelo.
"Umkhohlisi kufanele abekezelele ezinye izinhlobo zemizwa engase ivele kumlingani wakhe. Umlingani angase aveze izinto eziningi zesikhathi esidlule, abonise indlela abethembeke ngayo ngokuphelele, noma agqamise eminye imiphumela eminingi yokungathembeki, futhi yilapho igagasi lesibili lentukuthelo liqala khona. Lokhu kudala isivunguvungu sokukhathazeka nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela, okuholela esiteji sokuthukuthela, ukuphelelwa yithemba kanye nokungabi nasizo. kubangelwa ukuntula amandla.”
3. Ukuxoxisana
Ukuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela kungenye yezigaba ezibaluleke kakhulu zecala ngemva kokukopela. Lesi yisigaba lapho umuntu enquma ukwenza noma yini yenza ubuhlobo busebenze ngemva kokungathembeki noma liyeke lihlakazeke ngokuphelele. Phakathi nalesi sigaba sokuba necala ngemva kokukopela, ubudlelwano abumile. Ukukhathazeka kanye nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela kanye nokuqina kosizi ngemva kokukopela kubangela kungabikho intuthuko ebuhlotsheni. Umkhohlisi akenzi lutho ukwenza ubudlelwano busebenze futhi akazimisele ukukhuluma ngale ndaba.
“Sekuphele inyanga sixabene nomyeni wami asivamisile ukukhuluma, angisiboni isizathu sokuba kulo mshado, bengingake ngicabange ukuwuzama kodwa akukho mizamo ayenzayo, akafuni ukukhuluma ngale ndaba futhi akafuni ukukhuluma ngokuthi ubudlelwano bethu bukuphi. Angiziboni nje izimpawu zokuthi wayekopela futhi ngizizwa “ngesikhathi sokukopela.” Ngake ngacabanga ukuthi nganginecala. Kodwa manje kubukeka sengathi kuyadamba, ngakho-ke ngicabanga ukuthi sisonqenqemeni lokuhlukana futhi kubukeka kuyinketho engcono kimina,” kusho u-Erica, umcwaningi oneminyaka engu-38.
UJaseena uthi, “Ukuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela kwenzeka lapho umkhohlisi azi ukuthi umdlalo usuphelile nokuthi kudingeka bawusimamise umshado.
“Bangase basho izinto ezinjengokuthi “Ngeke ngiphinde ngikwenze lokho, angazi ukuthi kwenzekani kimi, ngashelela.” Noma bangadlulela kolunye uhlangothi bathi, “Wawungenaso isikhathi sami,” “Ngakhohlisa ngoba wawungenalo uthando ngokwanele,” “Awuzange ungihloniphe,” “Abukho ubulili obanele emshadweni, ngakho ngaphendukela komunye umuntu ukuze ngithole izidingo zami. Kwakungokobulili kuphela futhi akukho okunye.”
"Baqhamuka nohlobo oluthile lokuxoxisana ngemuva kokukopela ukuze baphinde bangene ebudlelwaneni. Uma lolu hlobo lokuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela lungaphumeleli, bangase bathi, "Sengiqedile ngalobu budlelwano", okusebenza njengesiphetho kumlingani. Lokhu bakwenza ukuze umlingani ashintshe ukuma kwakhe futhi abanike elinye ithuba. Isigaba sokuxoxisana sibonisa kangcono ukuzisola ngecala."
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: 6 Abaqhatha Isitshela Ukuthi Bazizwa Ngabo Ngabo
4. Ukudana
Ingabe ukuba necala lokukopela kungabangela ukucindezeleka? Yebo, lesi sigaba secala sibuye sibizwe ngokuthi 'isigaba sokulila'. Yilapho futhi uzoqala khona ukubona izimpawu azisole ngokukopela noma enamahloni okukukhaphela ukuthenjwa kwakho. Lesi sigaba sokuba necala ngemuva kokukopela siqala lapho umkhohlisi esebona ukuthi uselahlekelwe ukwethenjwa nokuhlonishwa ngabathandekayo bakhe. Baqala ukuzizwa benecala, amahloni, intukuthelo, kanye nokucasuka, konke ngesikhathi esisodwa, futhi kubonisa ebuhlotsheni babo. ukuziphatha ngemva kokubanjwa ukukopela. Ukucindezeleka nokuzisola ngemva kokukopela kungokoqobo kakhulu, futhi yilokho esikubona kulesi sigaba.
Ukucindezeleka cishe kuwumkhuba ongenakugwenywa njengoba weqa izigaba zecala ngemva kokukopela. Echaza ukuthi kungani kunjalo, uJaseena uthi, “Ukucindezeleka kungenzeka ezimweni ezimbili, okokuqala, lapho umkhohlisi eshonelwe khona omunye umlingani ayemthanda ngempela, kanye nangenxa yengozi yokulahlekelwa umngane wakhe oyinhloko okungenzeka ukuthi naye uyamthanda.
“Okwesibili, ukucindezeleka kungenzeka ngoba bengasakwazi ukuba nomunye umlingani ngenxa yokuxoxisana ababenakho nomlingani wabo wokuqala. Ngesikhathi bexoxisana ngemva kokukopela, umlingani wabo wokuqala wayebacela ukuba banqamule ubuhlobo nomlingani wabo othandana naye. Lokhu kuxoxisana kungase kubangele usizi ngemva kokukopela.
"Ikusasa lobudlelwano ngemuva kokukopela livame ukuba kumlingani oqhathwe naye. Lokhu kuholela ekutheni umuntu abhekane nosizi ngemuva kokukopela, futhi kumfaka esimweni esingenathemba, esingenasizo ngemuva kwezingxoxo. Umkhohlisi kwakudingeka amukele izimo ezithile ngesikhathi sezingxoxo, okungenzeka zingamukeleki kubo, kodwa obekufanele bavumelane nazo ukuze basize ubudlelwano obudangalisayo."
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukulandisa Kweqiniso Ngokungathembeki Emshadweni
I-5. Ukwamukelwa
Ngemva kwesikhathi eside sokuphika nokusola, bedlula emagagasini okuqala nawesibili entukuthelo ngemva kokungathembeki, kanye nazo zonke izinxushunxushu ezingokomzwelo umkhohlisi adlula kuzo, ekugcineni bavumelana nakho konke okwenzekile. Ngamanye amazwi, bafika ekwamukelweni ngemva kokukopela. Lesi sigaba sokuba necala ngemva kokukopela sitholwa umkhohlisi ngemva kokubona ukuthi akakwazi ukulawula imiphumela yezenzo zakhe.
U-Jaseena uthi, “Ukwamukelwa ngemva kokukopela kungafika ngesikhathi sokucindezeleka.Lapho umkhohlisi ebona ukuthi uzilwile izimpi zakhe futhi akakwazi ukulawula ukuthi isimo sihamba kanjani, yilapho-ke eqala khona ukwamukela.Baqonda ukuthi akukho okuzofana ngenxa yesinyathelo esisodwa abasithathile. Ngemva kwawo wonke umshikashika nosizi ngemva kokukopela, ekugcineni bavuma ukuthi babenomthwalo wemfanelo kukho konke.
"Kuze kube yilapho befinyelela esigabeni sokwamukelwa ngemva kokukopela noma ngaphambi nje kwesigaba sokucindezeleka, ngokuvamile umkhohlisi usola umlingani wakhe, enikeza izaba ezimbalwa nezizathu zokumkhohlisa. Kulapho kungekho lutho olubavuna futhi kungekho lutho olulawulayo lapho begcina belamukele iqiniso eliyisisekelo."
Imiphumela yokujola ngaphandle komshado xukuza yonke into yomlingani olimele kanye nomkhohlisi. Ukungathembeki akulula neze ukubhekana nakho. Kungamandla abhubhisayo ashintsha umbono wozakwethu olimele kanye nomkhohlisi mayelana nabo kanye nomhlaba. Ukuthi ukukopela kumthinta kanjani umkhohlisi kuyinkimbinkimbi futhi kubuhlungu.
Uma ucabanga ukukhaphela owakwakho noma usuvele unjalo, sithemba ukuthi lesi sihloko sizokunikeza isibindi sokuqala ukucabanga ngezindleko zendaba yakho. Kunoma yisiphi isimo, ubudlelwano bakho busenkingeni. Noma ngabe ukubheka kanjani, okubalulekile ukuthi ukukopela kuthinta umkhohlisi kanye nabo bonke abantu ababalulekile empilweni yakhe.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Kungase kube nezizathu eziningi ngesenzo esinjalo. Mhlawumbe ufuna uthando nokunakwa okushodayo ebudlelwaneni bakho. Mhlawumbe uyamthanda kakhulu umlingani wakho kodwa awuhambisani naye ngokocansi. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi awukwazanga ukumelana nesilingo futhi wavumela inkanuko nakuba kwakungeyona inhloso yakho ukukopela isithandwa sakho.
Icala lokukopela lingase liphele ngokuhamba kwesikhathi uma umlingani wakho ekulungele ukukuthethelela futhi enze isiqalo esisha. Uma benqaba ukubuyelana ngemva kokungathembeki kwakho noma basebenzisa lesi sigameko njengezinhlamvu kuzo zonke izimpi oba nazo ngemva kwalokho, kungase kube nzima ukulinqoba icala lokukopela.
Yiba mnene kuwe. Zama ukwamukela iqiniso lokuthi kube yiphutha nokuthi unelungelo lephutha elilodwa. Okubalulekile manje ukuthi uqhubeka kanjani ukusindisa ubudlelwano bakho ngemuva kwalokhu kungathembeki. Ngisho noma wena nomlingani wakho nihlukana, zama ukufunda kulokhu kudlula ekwahluleleni futhi wenze iphuzu lokugwema iphethini efanayo esikhathini esizayo.
Kunzima Ukuzuza Ukuthenjwa Ngumlingani Wakho Ngemva Kokukopela – Izindlela Eziyi-12 Zokukwenza!
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
