Ngemva kokutholakala kokungathembeki, ngokuvamile sicabanga ukuthi umlingani okhohliswa nguye kuphela olimele. Ungamangali uma sikutshela, ukukopela kuyamlimaza nomkhohlisi. Yebo, ukuzwe kahle, umkhohlisi/umlingani ongathembekile angase abonakale evamile futhi aqhubeke nokukhohlisa kuze kutholakale. Kodwa lapho ukukhohlisa sekuvela obala, yilapho bedlula ezigabeni ezihlukene zecala ngemva kokukopela, okungase kube ukugibela kwemizwa.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kutholakala kanjani ukuqomisana, isambulo siletha igalelo elikhulu ebudlelwaneni bombhangqwana. Endabeni yemibhangqwana eshadile, ama-ripples angazwakala nasezindabeni zomndeni. Kuthinta umngane womshado oye wakhashelwa, izingane, abazali, abasekhweni, nabo bonke abaseduze nabo. Ukutholwa kwangemva kwezindaba kulapho ukuguqulwa kuqala khona futhi izimpawu zecala lomkhohlisi ziqala ukuvela. Eqinisweni, abantu abasezindabeni bangase bezwe ukwanda kokukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka okuqhutshwa unembeza onecala nakuba bengakabanjwa oqotsheni.
Nakuba umonakalo obangelwe yisigameko sokungathembeki usabonakala, isimo sengqondo somlingani okhohlisayo sivame ukusunduzelwa eceleni. Kodwa lokho akusho ukuthi umuntu okhohlisayo uhlala engakhathazekile ngemva kokweqa umthetho wakhe. Ake sikhanyise izigaba ezahlukene zomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela, ngokuqonda kochwepheshe okuvela kuchwepheshe wengqondo uJaseena Backer (MS Psychology), onguchwepheshe wokuphathwa kobulili nobudlelwano.
Ubhekana kanjani nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela?
Okuqukethwe
Uma uzama ukufihla ubudlelwano bomuntu nomuntu, akubuzi umbuzo wokuthi 'uzobanjwa yini', kodwa kunalokho 'uzobanjwa nini'. Kuyindaba yesikhathi nje kuphela. Ubudlelwano obuyimfihlo bukaCynthia nomuntu asebenza naye abuzange buhlale isikhathi eside bufihliwe. Ngemva kokukhohlisa isoka lakhe, ukuzisola nomuzwa wecala kwamcindezela kakhulu engqondweni. Akaphumanga endlini izinsuku eziningi, enqaba ukubona muntu. Kwakubonakala sengathi lesi sigameko esidabukisayo sizobeka umshado wakhe engozini hhayi nje kuphela, kodwa nomsebenzi wakhe.
Uyabona, kuwuphawu lwethemba ukuthi uzizwa kabi ngokufaka isithandwa sakho osizini nokululazeka okungaka. Kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo, kubalulekile ukuzidonsa ndawonye ngaphambi kokuba izimpawu zecala ngemva kokukopela zithinte kuzo zonke izici zokuphila kwakho. Ungaqala kanjani ngokungabi nokhahlo kakhulu kuwe? Ngakho-ke ube nephutha ngesikhathi esisodwa ekwahluleleni. Bekufanele wazi kangcono. Kodwa sonke senziwa amaphutha abantu. Akusho ukuthi ungumuntu omubi ngokwemvelo.
Indlela yokuqala yebhizinisi ukwamukela ukuthi wenze iphutha futhi ayikho indlela yokubuyela emuva esikhathini ulilungise. Awukwazi ukuvumela lokho kukuchaze wena noma inkambo yobuhlobo bakho. Ngaphambi kokuba ubhajwe ezigabeni zomjikelezo omubi womlingani okhohlisiwe (ukuthola, ukusabela, ukwenza izinqumo, ukuqhubeka), shintsha ukugxila kwakho ngokuphelele esenzweni sakho esilandelayo. Ingabe uzimisele ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni futhi ubulungise? Bese uletha zonke izinyathelo eziqinile ukuze ukholise umlingani wakho ukuthi usukulungele ukuya kunoma yikuphi ukulungisa izinto.
Manje awazi ukuthi bazosabela kabi kangakanani, noma bayoke bakubuyisele emuva noma cha. Wona kanye umcabango walokho kungqubuzana kungase kubangele ukukhathazeka ngemva kokukopela umlingani. Kodwa wenza okuncane kwakho ngokwethembeka okuphelele futhi ushiye okunye kubo. Kusho ukuthini uma uthi uxolo; futhi ugcine izwi lakho lokwakha kabusha ukwethembana. Buza umlingani wakho ukuthi angathanda ukuthi wenzeni ukuze ulawule umonakalo.
Futhi okokugcina kodwa okungabalulekile, yiba mnene kuwe. Bhala amanothi emaphutheni. Shintsha into eyodwa noma ezimbili ngawe uma yilokho okudingekayo. Kodwa ukwahlulela njalo nokuzishaya kuzokwenza ukukhathazeka kube kubi nakakhulu. Khuluma nomngane omethembayo ngohlangothi lwakho lwendaba. Vakashela udokotela wezokwelapha mhlawumbe, kungaba wedwa noma nomlingani wakho. Uma kuwusizo olufunayo, abeluleki abanekhono nabanolwazi kuphaneli yochwepheshe beBonobology balapha ukukusiza.
Izigaba Zokuba Necala Ngemva Kokukopela - Lokho Umkhohlisi Adlula Khona
Nakuba injabulo yokuqala yokuqomisana ngaphandle komshado iphakamisa okuthile kumkhohlisi, ukutholwa ngemva kwe-affair kwenza umkhohlisi adlule ezigabeni zokuba necala ngemva kokukopela. Lezi zimpawu zecala lokukopela zigcwele uchungechunge lwemizwa efana namahloni, ukukhathazeka, ukuzisola, ukudideka, ukuphoxeka, ukuzinyanya, nokukhathazeka. Le mizwa ingabalwa phakathi kwezimpawu azikhohlisile futhi azizwe enecala noma akhohlise futhi manje udliwa nomuzwa wecala ngezenzo zakhe.
U-Andrew, omunye wabafundi bethu baseNew York, usanda kuvuma ngobudlelwano bonyaka wonke nomlingani wakhe. Uthi, “Ngibe nokukhathazeka okukhulu ngoba ngikhohlise. Bengingasakwazi ukuzibamba. Ngakho-ke, kwadingeka ngikhulume iqiniso kumyeni wami, ngivume ukuthi ngikhohlise , bese ngiqeda obunye ubuhlobo. Kodwa manje sengikhathazekile nakakhulu, ngikhathazekile ngokuthi kuzokwenzekani uma engishiya.” Abantu abasematheni bangase bazizwe bekhathazekile noma becindezelekile, yize kungekho muntu onozwela ngezinhliziyo zabo ezikhathazekile.
Uma kutholwa ukuqomisana, ubukhulu bethonya lezenzo zabo kushaya ngempela umkhohlisi futhi bazizwe bedabukile kanye nobuhlungu bezinqumo zabo ezimbi. Le micabango enyakazayo kanye ne-rollercoaster yemizwa ingaba nomthelela empilweni yengqondo yomkhohlisi. Kwezinye izimo, umthelela ungase ube mubi kakhulu futhi ubonakale kangangokuthi kukushiya uzibuza, “Ingabe ukuba necala lokukopela kungabangela ukucindezeleka?” Impendulo ithi yebo; kunobufakazi obanele besayensi obubonisa ukuthi imizwa yecala, ihlazo, nokuzisola ngemva kokukopela ingabangela ukucindezeleka.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izigaba Zokululama Kokungathembeki Zokululama Ebudlelwaneni
Kodwa-ke, umuntu kufanele akhumbule ukuthi umkhohlisi uhlale eqaphela ukulimala okungase kube khona kanye nokulimala okungabangelwa izenzo zakhe. Kodwa njengoba imiphumela ingasondeli, bangase baqhubeke nokungathembeki ngaphandle kokuzisola ngoba kufeza izidingo ezithile, beqaphela noma benganakile.
Kodwa-ke, ukutholwa kokuqomisana kuyawubhidliza lolu shintsho. Injabulo, isasasa, nanoma yisiphi esinye isidingo ebesiqhuba ukungathembeki kuthatha indawo engemuva bese icala lithatha izintambo. Lapha kubalulekile futhi ukuqaphela umehluko wecala vs ukuzisola. Izimpawu zecala ngemva kokukopela zingachazwa kangcono njengesikhumbuzo esingakhululekile sokwenza okuthile okungalungile kuyilapho ukuzisola kukucindezela ukuba uthathe izinyathelo eziqinile zokulungisa umonakalo owudalile.
Ukuzisola kukwenza ufune intethelelo kanti umuzwa wecala uholela ekugwemeni. Lokhu kuchaza ukuthi kungani umuntu okhohlisayo engabonisi ukuzisola uma ebonisa izimpawu zecala lomuntu okhohlisayo kuphela. Ngokusekelwe kulokhu kuqonda, ake sibheke izigaba ezahlukene zecala ngemva kokukopela, ezithathwe kokuhlangenwe nakho komuntu siqu kwabantu esikhulume nabo. Lezi yizigaba ongalindela ukuthi umuntu okhohlisayo adlule kuzo ngemva kokuthola lolu daba:
1. Ukuphika
Esinye sezigaba zecala ngemva kokukopela ukuphika. Ifika ekuqaleni komjikelezo womlingani okhashiwe ngemva kokutholakala kokuthandana. Lapho umngane womshado ongathembekile exoshwa, basabela ngokuphika. Njengoba icala lokukopela lingena lingena, baqala ukwenza 'ubuciko bokukhohlisa'. Bazama ukufihla iqiniso ngokubonisa ukukopela izimpawu zecala ngoba befuna ukunamathela ekuphikeni ngemva kokukopela. Bazozama futhi bazame ukukhohlisa ngezindlela ezahlukene nezingabazekayo.
UJulia, 28, ongumdansi, uthi: “Ngabhekana nomyeni wami ngemva kokuzwa ngendaba yokujola kwakhe nelangabi lakhe elidala, waphika, ngambonisa bonke ubufakazi, kodwa waphinda waphika. Ngamkhipha ngakusasa futhi wamema nomunye wesifazane, kodwa akazange avume ukuthi wangikhohlisa. Wazama ukungikhohlisa ephindelela lapho ebona ukuthi ucabanga ukuthi ubani nje. Ukuziphatha komkhohlisi lapho ephika kungase kukushiye uzibuza ukuthi kungani umuntu okhohlisayo ebonisa ukungazisoli.
UJaseena uthi, “Ngesikhathi sokuphika icala, umkhohlisi wenza konke ukukhombisa ukuthi akenzanga lutho olubi. Umkhohlisi uzama ukukufihla lokho futhi azame ukwenza njengomlingani ongenacala, onothando. Njengoba ukukhathazeka ngemva kokukopela umlingani kuqala, bazama ukufihla ngisho nezinto ezincane. Bafihla amaphutha abo futhi basebenzise izimpendulo ezinjengokuthi “Cha, akuyona indlela okubukeka ngayo” noma “Ucabanga nje izinto” noma “Ungacabanga kanjani ukuthi ngingenza into enjalo?” Umkhohlisi ungena ekuphikeni ngemva kokukopela, ngaleyo ndlela elahla isenzo sokukopela kanye nomthelela waso.”
2. Intukuthelo
Intukuthelo iwuphawu olusobala lokuzizwa unecala lokukhohlisa . Masibe neqiniso, akekho ofuna ukubhajwa ephutheni, ikakhulukazi uma engumkhohlisi osengozini enkulu kangaka. Lesi sigaba esithile sokuzizwa unecala ngemva kokukopela sibizwa nangokuthi 'isigaba sokuhoxa'. Kulesi sigaba sokuzizwa unecala ngemva kokukopela, umkhohlisi usuke esesimweni esingathandeki. Izimpawu zokuzizwa unecala komkhohlisi zivame ukufihlwa yintukuthelo, eba phambili.
Manje bancishwa 'okuphezulu' ababekuphiwa nguphathina wabo, banomuzwa wokuthi banqanyuliwe komunye umuntu. Babhekana nokukhathazeka kanye nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela, futhi kuningi ukuphinda kwenzeke. Ukucasuka kanye nentukuthelo ngemva kokukopela kubenza basheshe njalo lapho uzama ukuba nengxoxo mayelana nesiqephu sabo sokukopela. Izigaba zokuthukuthela ngemva kokungathembeki ziza ngokushesha ngemva kokuphika futhi zingahlala isikhathi eside.
UJaseena uthi, “Intukuthelo ngemva kokukopela iyalingana futhi ihambisana nokuphika ngemva kokukopela.Ngokubonisa ukwethembeka nobuqotho, omunye umngane womshado umi ngokuqinile, okwenza lowo okhohlisayo angene esimweni sokuthukuthela. Futhi izigaba zentukuthelo ngemva kokungethembeki ziyadedelwa.Lokhu kuqubuka kwenzeka ngoba izinto eziningi zonakele ngasohlangothini lwabo.
"Iphuzu eliyinhloko ukuthi ubuhlobo obuhle umkhohlisi ayenabo ngaphandle kobudlelwano obuyinhloko abukwazi ukuqhubeka. Intukuthelo ingase iphakame ngokuthi lowo othandana naye cishe ushiywe ocingweni, engazi ukuthi kwenzekani emndenini othole ukukopela. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umlingani wabo womshado noma umlingani wabo oyinhloko angase afune ukwazi imininingwane yecala, okungenza umkhohlisi azizwe ephonswa ekhoneni, okuholela ekuphenduleni kwentukuthelo.
"Umkhohlisi kufanele abekezelele ezinye izinhlobo zemizwa engase ivele kumlingani wakhe. Umlingani angase aveze izinto eziningi zesikhathi esidlule, abonise indlela abethembeke ngayo ngokuphelele, noma agqamise eminye imiphumela eminingi yokungathembeki, futhi yilapho igagasi lesibili lentukuthelo liqala khona. Lokhu kudala isivunguvungu sokukhathazeka nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela, okuholela esiteji sokuthukuthela, ukuphelelwa yithemba kanye nokungabi nasizo. kubangelwa ukuntula amandla.”
3. Ukuxoxisana
Ukuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela kungenye yezigaba ezibaluleke kakhulu zecala ngemva kokukopela. Lesi yisigaba lapho umuntu enquma ukwenza ubudlelwano busebenze ngemva kokungathembeki noma avumele buphele ngokuphelele. Phakathi nalesi sigaba esithile secala ngemva kokukopela, ubudlelwano buhlala bumile. Ukukhathazeka kanye nomuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela kanye nokwanda kosizi ngemva kokukopela akuholeli entuthukweni ebudlelwaneni. Umkopela akenzi lutho ukwenza ubudlelwano busebenze futhi akazimisele ukukhuluma ngobudlelwano.
“Sekuphele inyanga sixabene nomyeni wami asivamisile ukukhuluma, angisiboni isizathu sokuba kulo mshado, bengingake ngicabange ukuwuzama kodwa akukho mizamo ayenzayo, akafuni ukukhuluma ngale ndaba futhi akafuni ukukhuluma ngokuthi ubudlelwano bethu bukuphi. Angiziboni nje izimpawu zokuthi wayekopela futhi ngizizwa “ngesikhathi sokukopela.” Ngake ngacabanga ukuthi nganginecala. Kodwa manje kubukeka sengathi kuyadamba, ngakho-ke ngicabanga ukuthi sisonqenqemeni lokuhlukana futhi kubukeka kuyinketho engcono kimina,” kusho u-Erica, umcwaningi oneminyaka engu-38.
UJaseena uthi, “Ukuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela kwenzeka lapho umkhohlisi azi ukuthi umdlalo usuphelile nokuthi kudingeka bawusimamise umshado.
“Bangase basho izinto ezinjengokuthi “Ngeke ngiphinde ngikwenze lokho, angazi ukuthi kwenzekani kimi, ngashelela.” Noma bangadlulela kolunye uhlangothi bathi, “Wawungenaso isikhathi sami,” “Ngakhohlisa ngoba wawungenalo uthando ngokwanele,” “Awuzange ungihloniphe,” “Abukho ubulili obanele emshadweni, ngakho ngaphendukela komunye umuntu ukuze ngithole izidingo zami. Kwakungokobulili kuphela futhi akukho okunye.”
"Baqhamuka nohlobo oluthile lokuxoxisana ngemuva kokukopela ukuze baphinde bangene ebudlelwaneni. Uma lolu hlobo lokuxoxisana ngemva kokukopela lungaphumeleli, bangase bathi, "Sengiqedile ngalobu budlelwano", okusebenza njengesiphetho kumlingani. Lokhu bakwenza ukuze umlingani ashintshe ukuma kwakhe futhi abanike elinye ithuba. Isigaba sokuxoxisana sibonisa kangcono ukuzisola ngecala."
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Abakhohlisi Abayi-6 Basitshela Indlela Abazizwa Ngayo Ngabo
4. Ukudana
Ingabe umuzwa wecala wokukopela ungabangela ukucindezeleka? Yebo, lesi sigaba somuzwa wecala sibizwa nangokuthi 'isigaba sokulila'. Yilapho futhi uzoqala ukubona khona izimpawu zokuzisola ngokukopela noma unamahloni okukhaphela ukuthembana kwakho. Lesi sigaba somuzwa wecala ngemva kokukopela siqala lapho umkopeli eqala ukuqaphela ukuthi ulahlekelwe ukwethenjwa nokuhlonishwa kwabathandekayo bakhe. Baqala ukuzizwa benecala, benamahloni, bethukuthele, futhi becasukile, konke ngesikhathi esisodwa, futhi kubonakala ekuziphatheni kwabo ngemva kokubanjwa bekopela . Ukucindezeleka nokuzisola ngemva kokukopela kungokoqobo kakhulu, futhi yilokho esikubonayo kulesi sigaba.
Ukucindezeleka cishe kuwumkhuba ongenakugwenywa njengoba weqa izigaba zecala ngemva kokukopela. Echaza ukuthi kungani kunjalo, uJaseena uthi, “Ukucindezeleka kungenzeka ezimweni ezimbili, okokuqala, lapho umkhohlisi eshonelwe khona omunye umlingani ayemthanda ngempela, kanye nangenxa yengozi yokulahlekelwa umngane wakhe oyinhloko okungenzeka ukuthi naye uyamthanda.
“Okwesibili, ukucindezeleka kungenzeka ngoba bengasakwazi ukuba nomunye umlingani ngenxa yokuxoxisana ababenakho nomlingani wabo wokuqala. Ngesikhathi bexoxisana ngemva kokukopela, umlingani wabo wokuqala wayebacela ukuba banqamule ubuhlobo nomlingani wabo othandana naye. Lokhu kuxoxisana kungase kubangele usizi ngemva kokukopela.
"Ikusasa lobudlelwano ngemuva kokukopela livame ukuba kumlingani oqhathwe naye. Lokhu kuholela ekutheni umuntu abhekane nosizi ngemuva kokukopela, futhi kumfaka esimweni esingenathemba, esingenasizo ngemuva kwezingxoxo. Umkhohlisi kwakudingeka amukele izimo ezithile ngesikhathi sezingxoxo, okungenzeka zingamukeleki kubo, kodwa obekufanele bavumelane nazo ukuze basize ubudlelwano obudangalisayo."
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Indaba Eyiqiniso Yokungathembeki Emshadweni
I-5. Ukwamukelwa
Ngemva kwesikhathi eside sokuphika nokusola, bedlula emagagasini okuqala nawesibili entukuthelo ngemva kokungathembeki, kanye nazo zonke izinxushunxushu ezingokomzwelo umkhohlisi adlula kuzo, ekugcineni bavumelana nakho konke okwenzekile. Ngamanye amazwi, bafika ekwamukelweni ngemva kokukopela. Lesi sigaba sokuba necala ngemva kokukopela sitholwa umkhohlisi ngemva kokubona ukuthi akakwazi ukulawula imiphumela yezenzo zakhe.
U-Jaseena uthi, “Ukwamukelwa ngemva kokukopela kungafika ngesikhathi sokucindezeleka.Lapho umkhohlisi ebona ukuthi uzilwile izimpi zakhe futhi akakwazi ukulawula ukuthi isimo sihamba kanjani, yilapho-ke eqala khona ukwamukela.Baqonda ukuthi akukho okuzofana ngenxa yesinyathelo esisodwa abasithathile. Ngemva kwawo wonke umshikashika nosizi ngemva kokukopela, ekugcineni bavuma ukuthi babenomthwalo wemfanelo kukho konke.
"Kuze kube yilapho befinyelela esigabeni sokwamukelwa ngemva kokukopela noma ngaphambi nje kwesigaba sokucindezeleka, ngokuvamile umkhohlisi usola umlingani wakhe, enikeza izaba ezimbalwa nezizathu zokumkhohlisa. Kulapho kungekho lutho olubavuna futhi kungekho lutho olulawulayo lapho begcina belamukele iqiniso eliyisisekelo."
Imiphumela yothando olungaphandle komshado inyakazisa yonke into kumlingani olimele kanye nomkhohlisi. Ukungathembeki akulula neze ukubhekana nakho. Kuyithonya elibhubhisayo elishintsha umbono womlingani olimele kanye nomkhohlisi ngabo kanye nomhlaba. Indlela ukukopela okumthinta ngayo umkhohlisi iyinkimbinkimbi futhi ibuhlungu.
Uma ucabanga ukukhaphela owakwakho noma usuvele unjalo, sithemba ukuthi lesi sihloko sizokunikeza isibindi sokuqala ukucabanga ngezindleko zendaba yakho. Kunoma yisiphi isimo, ubudlelwano bakho busenkingeni. Noma ngabe ukubheka kanjani, okubalulekile ukuthi ukukopela kuthinta umkhohlisi kanye nabo bonke abantu ababalulekile empilweni yakhe.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Kungase kube nezizathu eziningi ngesenzo esinjalo. Mhlawumbe ufuna uthando nokunakwa okushodayo ebudlelwaneni bakho. Mhlawumbe uyamthanda kakhulu umlingani wakho kodwa awuhambisani naye ngokocansi. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi awukwazanga ukumelana nesilingo futhi wavumela inkanuko nakuba kwakungeyona inhloso yakho ukukopela isithandwa sakho.
Icala lokukopela lingase liphele ngokuhamba kwesikhathi uma umlingani wakho ekulungele ukukuthethelela futhi enze isiqalo esisha. Uma benqaba ukubuyelana ngemva kokungathembeki kwakho noma basebenzisa lesi sigameko njengezinhlamvu kuzo zonke izimpi oba nazo ngemva kwalokho, kungase kube nzima ukulinqoba icala lokukopela.
Yiba mnene kuwe. Zama ukwamukela iqiniso lokuthi kube yiphutha nokuthi unelungelo lephutha elilodwa. Okubalulekile manje ukuthi uqhubeka kanjani ukusindisa ubudlelwano bakho ngemuva kwalokhu kungathembeki. Ngisho noma wena nomlingani wakho nihlukana, zama ukufunda kulokhu kudlula ekwahluleleni futhi wenze iphuzu lokugwema iphethini efanayo esikhathini esizayo.
Kunzima Ukuzuza Ukuthenjwa Ngumlingani Wakho Ngemva Kokukopela – Izindlela Eziyi-12 Zokukwenza!
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
