Ahakoa e hiahia ana koe ki te huna i tō kanohi ki tēnei āhuatanga, ka puta te āhua kino o te kore whakapono i roto i ngā marena katoa. Ko te whakaaro whānui ko te tinihanga a ngā tāne hei whakatutuki i ngā hiahia taikaha, hei whiwhi i te whanaungatanga tinana i ngaro pea i a rātou, ā, ka whakamahia te kore whakapono hei tāpiri, ehara i te huarahi kē atu. Heoi, he rerekē rawa ngā take e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine.
He pono rānei, ahakoa te nui o te whanaungatanga ā-tinana me tā rātou hoa rangatira, ka tinihanga tonu pea ngā wāhine hei whakatutuki i te hiahia kare ā-roto? He rangitahi noa iho ngā take pērā i ngā take a ngā tāne, he whakaaro nui ake rānei ngā take e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine?
Kia ngana tātou ki te mārama ki ngā take matua e moe ai ngā wāhine i waho o te marena me ētahi whakaaro mai i ngā tohunga hinengaro. Kranti Momin (Tohu Paerua i roto i te Hinengaro), he kaimahi CBT mātau, ā, he tohunga ki ngā momo mara o te kaiārahi whanaungatanga.
8 Ngā Take Nui e Whai Wahine ai i te Marenatanga
Ripanga o Ihirangi
Kua ngaro ngā rā i huna ai ngā wāhine i raro i te arai e rima inihi te whānui, ā, ka ngohengohe ki te mahi i ngā tūranga maha o te wahine tapu, o te hunaonga wahine pono, o te whaea kore hiahia ki te moepuku. I te mea e awhi ana te wahine o ēnei rā i tōna moepuku me tōna herekoretanga, kua kaha ake te whai i te hiahia kia makona, kia tutuki hoki te hiahia.
"Kua tino honoa te iti o te makona ki te whanaungatanga ki te moepuku i waho o te marena," te kī a KrantiAhakoa he mea "tūpono noa" te mahi tahi a ngā tāne, he rerekē pea te huarahi a te nuinga o ngā wāhine ki te tinihanga. Nō reira, he rerekē te whakautu ki te take e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine i te take e whiriwhiri ai ngā tāne ki te mahi pēnā.
"Ko te koretake o te whakapono tetahi atu take e akiaki ana i te kore whakapono," te kī a Kranti, "Ko te hunga e pāngia ana e te manukanuka piripono, he maha ngā wā ka whakaaro kāore ā rātou hiahia e tutukihia ana, ā, ka taea e rātou te rapu i tētahi atu wāhi hei whakatutuki i aua hiahia.". Ka rerekē ngā take mō te kore whakapono i runga i te āhuatanga.
Ahakoa rā, me titiro tātou ki ngā take tino nui e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine, kia taea ai e tātou te rapu i te mata o ngā kare ā-roto uaua e puta ana i roto i te hinengaro o te tangata i a ia e tinihanga ana.
Te pānui e pā ana: He pono rānei te ngākau māhaki o te whanaungatanga mō ngā tau e whitu?
1. Mā te hiahia ka titiro te wahine ki waho o te marena
Ko te hiahia te whaea o ngā hara katoa. Ehara i te mea hou, i roto i ngā marena katoa, i te wā e haere ake nei, i te wā e haere ake nei, ka memeha haere te ataahua o ngā rā taitamarikitanga. Ko te hiahia o ngā wāhine kia whakaoho anō i tētahi mea hou me te ngākau nui i roto i tō rāua whanaungatanga. E ai ki a Noel Biderman, te kaiwhakaū me te Tumu Whakarae o Ashley Madison: "Ehara i te mea he hiahia nui mō ngā tau e whitu engari he hiahia nui mō ngā tau e toru ki te whā - ko te tīmatanga o te whanaungatanga kotahi i muri i te whānautanga o te tamaiti tuatahi. Kei te ngākau o te katoa ko te hiahia, te tangata e kī ana ki a koe ko koe te mea nui rawa atu, ā, e hiahia ana ki te noho tahi me koe i tōna oranga katoa."
Ina kore tō hoa e hiahia ki te titiro mai ki a koe, ki te pā atu ki a koe, ki te kōrero rānei ki a koe, he mea mārama ka tino taumaha rawa atu. Engari he pumau ōu ōhanga – he kāinga, he tamariki, he whānau. Kāore koe e hiahia ki te wehe atu i reira nā te mea kāore koe e hiahia ana. E whakaaro ana te tangata, "Ka whakaatu noa ahau i ahau ki waho i roto i te huarahi huna." E hiahia ana rātou ki te whakaoho anō i taua mea e hiahiatia ana.
I whakapono a Jeanette kua mutu tana mahi ki tā rāua marena i mua noa atu i tana puremu. I te hokinga mai o tētahi hoa tawhito ki roto i tōna ao, ka huri hei mea ā-tinana i muri i tētahi whakaaroaro mārire. "I mōhio ahau kāore au i te makona ki taku marena, kua hoha ahau ki te ngana. I te taenga mai o tētahi hoa tawhito i aro mai ki ahau i tētahi huarahi hou, whakahihiri, ka whakatau ahau ki te whai i te mea i ngaro i taku marena," te kī a Jeanette.
E kōrero ana a Kranti ki a tātou mō te nuinga o ngā mahi whakaipoipo e pā ana ki tētahi tangata kua mōhiotia pai e te wahine. "Mō te moepuku i waho o te marena, ko te nuinga o ngā wāhine ka takahi i te pono ki tētahi tangata e mōhiotia pai ana e rātou. Pērā i tētahi hoa tata. I ētahi wā, ko te hoa noho pea, he hoa mahi, he hoa kua roa e mōhiotia ana, me ētahi atu."
Tērā pea he pono te whakaaro ko te moepuku a ngā wāhine ki waho o te marena hei tautoko kare ā-roto, nā te mea ko te tautoko me te aro te take nui o te moepuku.
2. He tāne mangere, kore aro
Kāore te katoa i manaakitia ki te hoa aroha, manaaki hoki. Ina kore e aro nui ngā tāne ki ā rātou wāhine me te marena, ka puta pea he raruraru nui i te mutunga. I waenganui o te marena, ka kite ngā wāhine kāore rātou i te whiwhi i te aroha, te whakaute, me te hoa e tika ana mā rātou.
Nō reira, ka tīmata noa rātou ki te rapu i tētahi atu wāhi. I ētahi wā, ka whakanohoia ēnei whakaaro e tētahi ki roto i ō rātou hinengaro, ā, ka tīmata rātou ki te whakahē nui i ā rātou tāne. Mā tēnei ka whai wāhi te tangata kē ki te whakakā i te mura o te moepuku ki waho o te marena.
He nui ake ngā mea e kitea ana i muri i te tirohanga ina moe tahi te wahine kua moe tāne me te hoa tata, e ai ki tā Kranti. "Tērā pea he āhuatanga ā-roto kei te hoa hou, kāore pea i te hoa matua. Hei tauira, he tautoko, he whanaungatanga kare ā-roto, me ētahi atu. He tohu tēnei kāore te wahine i te harikoa i roto i tana marena," tana kī.
Ko ngā hononga kare ā-roto tētahi o ngā take e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine, nā te mea ko te whanaungatanga kare ā-roto e whiwhihia ana e rātou mai i tētahi hoa hou ka pai ake te āhua i te kore aro kua pā ki a rātou i ngā tau kua pahure.
He rerekē te tinihanga i te tāne i ia wahine, i ia wahine. Ahakoa ka whakarērea e ētahi wāhine tā rātou hoa rangatira, ka uru ki te moepuku, ko ētahi ka ngana ki te whakaaro ki ngā hua o te heke mai. I tēnei horopaki, ka whiriwhiria e rātou te noho pono ki ā rātou tāne.
3. Te moepuku i pehia
Ki te kore e taea e te tāne te pehi i ōna hiahia moepuku, ki te kore rānei e makona ki tana wahine, ka taea e ia te moe i te pō i roto i te whare puremu. Kāore he tangata e pātai ki a ia nā te mea ko ia te upoko me te kaitiaki o te whānau. I muri i ētahi tau i roto i te marena, ka memeha haere te hiahia o te tāne, ā, ka tīmata ia ki te tango i ngā mea ngāwari, engari kei te hiahia tonu te wahine ki te moe tahi.
Ehara i te mea miharo te ahua o te wahine hiahia fakasekisualé kua pehia tonutia. I whakaakona ia (ā, kei te whakaakona tonutia) kia tiakina tōna ngākau mā me tōna wahinetanga. Ā, i pērā ngā wāhine nā te mea kāore i te mātauranga, kāore hoki i te kaha ki te tū ki runga. Engari kua rerekē ngā wā.
Ā, e ai ki tā te kaituhi-kaitohutohu a PV Vaidyanathan i kī ai, "I a ia e ara ake ana te wahine o ēnei rā, e hiahia ana ia ki te tirotiro i ōna ake hiahia, ā, ki te tika, ki te whakahonore i aua hiahia, ahakoa i roto, i waho rānei o te whare."
4. Te waiaro o ēnei rā ki te marena
He hapa nui kei roto i te āhua o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine kua marenatia. E hiahia ana te katoa ki te makona wawe. E hiahia ana te katoa ki te kōrero, engari kāore tetahi e pai ki te whakarongo. Kei te piki haere te manawanui kore, ā, kei te whakahaerehia ngā marena e te tinihanga. He nui ake te hiahia o te tangata ki te whakaatu i ō rātou oranga aroha i runga i ngā pāpāho pāpori i te kōrero ngākau ki te ngākau.
Ki te kore tetahi hononga e angitu, ka whakamahere, ka whakatakoto mahere rātou ki te whakawhanake i tētahi atu. Kua ngaro ngā uara o te whakapau kaha, te patunga tapu, te aroha, te whakahoahoa, te murunga hara, me te whakaaro anō hoki ki te "whakatika i tētahi mea pakaru". Nō reira, i te korenga e angitu te marena, ka rapu ngā wāhine (me ngā tāne) i tētahi hononga hou e tuku ana i te aroha, te aro, me te taatai ki a rātou, me te kore e hoha ki te rūma moe me ngā kawenga o te whare.
"He maha ngā āhuatanga pāpori-ahurea kua honoa ki te moepuku i waho o te marena," te kī a Kranti. "Ngā whai wāhitanga e pā ana ki te mahi, he rōpū pāpori hou, rerekē, tae noa ki te kore e piri ki tētahi whakapono," tāna tāpiri. Ahakoa e taea te kī ka tinihanga ngā wāhine mō te aroha, ehara i te mea ko ngā moepuku katoa i waho o te marena ka mutu hei rapu aroha.
Te pānui e pā ana: Ngā Wāhanga Whakaora i te Whakapono hei Whakaora i te Take o te Whakaipoipo
5. Ko te aituā i huaina ko te ipurangi
He mea pai, he mea kino hoki te ipurangi. Ahakoa e kitea ana te tini o ngā tāne e piri ana ki ā rātou mata waea pūkoro, ā, kāore e aro nui ana ki ā rātou wāhine, kua aro atu hoki ngā wāhine ki te ipurangi. He nui ngā mea e tukuna ana e ia, kāore? Ka taea e koe te whakapā atu ki ō hoa o mua, whai i ā rātou kōtaha mō ngā hāora, ka whakatata atu ki tētahi tangata mā te pāwhiri noa i te pātene.
Kua kite kē tātou mēnā kei te rapu te wahine i tētahi hononga aroha, ko te hono atu ki tētahi hoa tawhito mā te ipurangi pea te mea tuatahi e mahia e ia. Nā tēnei kua māmā ake te takaro ki a ia mā te tuku karere kuputuhi, mā te kōrerorero ipurangi rānei, ā, kua tāpirihia he kanapa o te hangarau ki te ataahua o te whakawai. Koia te take e ngāwari ai te uru atu o ngā wāhine ki ngā hononga aroha.
I tāpiri atu a Tākuta Vaidyanathan: "He maha ngā mahi i ahu mai i ngā whakawhitiwhitinga hiko. Ko te ngāwari me te huna o te whakawhitiwhitinga waea pūkoro he mea āwhina."
Hei āwhina i ngā wāhine (me ngā tāne), kei te whakangāwari ake ngā paetukutuku mō ngā mahi moepuku i waho o te marena pērā i a Gleeden.com, AshleyMadison.com, me Extramaritalaffairs.in i te whai hononga huna i runga ipurangi. Ina hoki, i whakatūria a Ashley Madison i te tau 2014 me te pepeha "He poto te ora, whai hononga moepuku."
6. Te wahine mahi me ngā whai wāhitanga
Ka piki ake te tūponotanga o te moe tāne me te wahine ina mahi ngā hoa tokorua. Kāore ngā wāhine e kite i te wā hei poipoi i te whanaungatanga marena me ā rātou tāne i te kāinga. He rite tonu te mahi i ia rā, i ia rā, ā, kāore he wā (kāore hoki he whakaaro) hei hono i waenga i te tunu kai, te horoi, te mahi me te kai.
Engari, ko te hononga kotahi tonu e puta ana i waenga i ngā hoa mahi i te wāhi mahi. He rite tonu te maha o ngā hāora e mahi ana ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, ā, he maha ngā wā ka haere tahi rāua mō ngā haerenga pakihi. "Nō reira, he maha ake ngā mahi moepuku i waho o te marena i roto i te rāngai umanga," te kī a te kaitohutohu marena a AR Tulalwar.
7. Ko ngā āhua whakapehapeha pea te take e tinihanga ai ētahi wāhine
Kāore i te miharo he ka tinihanga te tangata whakahihi i te nuinga o ngā whanaungatanga kei roto rātou. Ahakoa te ira tangata, ka kore rawa te tangata e whai whakaaro ki te pānga o ā rātou mahi ki te hoa rangatira. Kua whakaatuhia e ngā rangahau he rerekē rawa te take o te puremu i roto i ēnei take i ngā āhuatanga noa pēnei i te moe tāne ki te wahine hei tautoko i te kare ā-roto, hei whakaaro rānei he hiahiatia.
Me nui ake te whakahihiri i roto i ō rātou ao, ā, ko te rapu i tēnei mā te whakararu i tā rātou marena te mea tino whakahihiri i rapua e rātou. Kāore, ehara i te mea ko te katoa he āhua nei e whakaatu mārama ana e aroha ana rātou ki a rātou anō. Nā te mea kei roto i ngā āhua rerekē, tērā pea kāore rātou e whakanui i a rātou anō.
Te pānui e pā ana: 12 ngā huarahi ka raru ai koe i ngā mahi tari
8. Hei puta atu i tētahi marena kino
I kite a Jenna kua pāngia ia e te tukino kare ā-roto me ngā raruraru hauora hinengaro nā te tukinotanga kare ā-roto i pā ki a ia i roto i tana marena. Nā ngā tau maha o te whakahāweatia, te tukinotanga me te kore aro, kua kore ia e makona, e raru ana hoki i ngā raruraru kore haumaru. Nā te mea kua tata ki te tekau tau ia e noho ana i roto i te marena kore aroha me te kore ira tangata, ka whakatau ia ki te rapu i tētahi atu wāhi hei whakatutuki i tōna ea.
"I taku whakatūnga i tētahi hononga kare ā-roto ki tētahi hoa, i mōhio ahau kāore i tawhiti rawa te whanaungatanga ā-tinana. I taku tīmatanga ki te tinihanga, ka puta mai he whai wāhitanga ki te puta atu i taku marena tukino, me te whai i tētahi mea e whai hua ake ana me tēnei tangata e manaaki ana i ahau," tana kī.
He tino uaua ake te wehe atu i tētahi marena tukino, inā koa mō ngā wāhine kāore i te tū motuhake ki te taha pūtea, i te mea e kitea ana. Mā te tinihanga, ka taea e rātou te puta atu i tētahi marena kino mā te whakatū hononga ki tētahi atu. He hononga tahi te tukino me te moepuku i waho o te marena, nā te mea ko te nuinga o te hunga e pāngia ana e te tukino ka rapu huarahi ki waho.
He pēhea te noa o ngā mahi moepuku i waho o te mārenatanga?
Nā te mea kua mōhio koe ki ngā take e tinihanga ai ngā wāhine, ko te pātai e whai ake nei ko te ngana ki te whakaaro i te auau o te mahi tinihanga. E ai ki te American Association For Marriage And Family Therapy, 15% o nga wahine ā, e 25% o ngā tāne e kī ana kua uru atu rātou ki ngā mahi moepuku i waho o te marena. E ai ki te American Association Psychology, kei waenga i te 20%-40% te tau mō ngā marena katoa o Amerika.
Ahakoa te take, kāore te moe tāne me te wahine i te pai mō te whanaungatanga. I ētahi wā, ka waiho e rātou he whara kore e taea te whakatika ki te hunga tinihanga me ō rātou hoa. Nō reira, hei pakeke, he kawenga mā ngā wāhine kua moe tāne me te wahine kia whakatau whakaaro nui, kia whai whakaaro hoki. Mena kāore tō marena e pai ana, kāore rānei tō whanaungatanga ki tō hoa rangatira e whai hua ana, he huarahi hauora hei whakakapi i te tinihanga ka taea e koe te whakawhirinaki atu hei whakapai ake i tō kounga o te oranga.
Ka taea e koe te kōrero i ō hiahia ki tō hoa, te whakapau kaha ki te hono anō, te whakaaro rānei ki te haere ki te rongoā a te tokorua hei whakaoti i ō raruraru. Ki te whakaaro koe me whai wāhi tō marena ki te wawaotanga a te tohunga, whakapā atu ki tētahi tohunga whai raihana. ngā tohunga i te rōpū Bonobology i tēnei rā, kimihia rānei tētahi e tata ana ki a koe.
Kāore tō koha e kiia he kaupapa aroha takohaMā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata katoa o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.
Ehara ngā raruraru o te marena i te raihana mō te tinihanga. Ko te mana motuhake o te wahine, te herekoretanga me te mahi tari, ehara i te mea me moe tahi me ētahi atu tāne. Mena he raruraru kei roto i te marena, ka taea e te wahine te kōrero ki tana tāne mō ngā āputa/ngā tumanakohanga, ā, ka taea hoki te rapu āwhina mai i ngā kaitohutohu. Mena kāore e pai ngā mea katoa, ka taea te wehe i a rātou anō. Pērā i te pirinoa e noho ana i te tinana, kāore e hiahiatia kia noho i roto i te marena, kia noho hei wahine kairau whiriwhiri i roto i te marena. Ko te tangata e noho tahi ana me te tuku i tōna tinana kia whakamahia e ētahi atu mō te kaupapa o te whakatutuki i te hiahia, he wahine kairau whiriwhiri ia. I roto i te moe pō kotahi, ka uru atu ia ki te tini o ngā tāngata mō te wā roa, ā, ki te mea he moe tahi me te tangata takitahi, he maha ngā wā.
kei muri i te tuara o tana tāne. Ko ngā mātauranga katoa, ko te ao hou, ko te whānui o te hinengaro, ko te whakahāwea wahine, me ērā atu mea, ka whakamahia tikatia hei tinihanga, hei kairau whiriwhiri i roto i te marena. Ina homai e te Atua ki a tātou te ataahua, te mahi pai, te kāinga pai, me ērā atu mea, ka haurangi tātou i te whakapehapeha, te whakakake, ka whakarērea ngā uara/āhua katoa, ka apo, ka kore e mōhio ki te wairua, ki te matatika, ki ngā hara me te pānga ki a tātou ā muri ake nei i raro i te maminga. He mea whakamā! Ko te tikanga, ka kai, ka manaaki, ka moe hoki ngā kararehe pērā i te tangata. Engari kāore he rohe o ngā kararehe, kāore he whakama, he whakaute i a ia anō, he mana, he tinihanga me te hara, me ērā atu mea. He tangata noa iho te tangata tinihanga, he āhua kararehe ōna. Ahakoa rā, e kore rawa ngā kararehe e mahi engari ko te tangata tinihanga he āhua kararehe āna e mahi whakaari ana i te kāinga i a ia e mahi ana i ngā mea poke i muri i tana hoa rangatira. Ina whakakake te tangata i te nui o te pai, ahakoa he tinana tangata tōna wairua, engari ko ngā āhua kararehe anake ka riro i a ia. Kei te mahi ngā wāhine i te tari i muri tonu i tana mātauranga, ā, ki te mea he ngoikore te hinengaro o ngā wāhine, kāore e taea te whakaute i te marena, tuatahi he aha koe i moe ai i tētahi tangata nō waho, kātahi ka tinihanga i a ia, kātahi ka whakamārama kua puta ake ō whakaaro nā te mea kei te mahi koe i te tari mō ngā haora 12. He aha koe te moe ai i te tāne i te tari i te tīmatanga? He aha koe te noho hei hoa wahine, te noho rānei ki tētahi tangata tari, kaua ki te moe i tētahi tangata nō waho, kātahi ka tinihanga? Ko te tangata anake he āhua kararehe ka taea te mahi i tēnei. Kāore he tūranga o te tangata tinihanga/wahine whiriwhiri i roto i te marena, nā te mea he tangata whakama/kore āhua, ā, kāore rawa te hoa rangatira pono e tika mōna nā te mea he mataku ia, kāore e taea e ia te whakatau i ngā take mā te kōrero ki tana hoa rangatira, kāore rānei e taea te wehe engari i whiriwhiria e ia te tinihanga), ngoikore te hinengaro, kāore he whakaute me te mana, kāore hoki e taea te whakawhirinaki. He tika tā ngā wāhine ki tōna tinana/ngā hiahia/ngā tumanakohanga, engari kaua e noho tonu i roto i te marena, kaua hoki e waiho hei tangata tinihanga/kaituku, hei tangata tinihanga, hei tangata whai whakaaro kino, kore whakama. Ki te kore e taea e koe te whakatau i ngā take, me noho takakau, me te pārekareka ki tāu e hiahia ai. He tāne ngāwari, he tāne whakapakari tinana, he tāne tamariki, he tāne ātaahua, he tāne māia, he tāne manaaki, he tāne pukumahi, he tāne ātaahua, he tini ngā mea e wātea ana hei hanga i te hiahia o ngā wāhine, hei kawe mai i ngā pūrerehua, hei whakakā i te ahi, engari me mahi ēnei tāne i muri i te wehenga atu i tāu tāne, ā, noho i te oranga e hiahiatia ana, ā, haere ki te reinga, ko wai e māharahara ana, engari kaua e whakakino i te tapu me te tapu o te marena mā te noho hei kairau i a koe e noho tonu ana i roto i te marena, ā, kāore he mana o ngā wāhine ki te takaro ki ngā kare ā-roto o tā rātou hoa rangatira i raro i te whāriki, i raro rānei i te whāriki. Ehara i te mea ko te whānautanga tangata anake te mea hei kai, hei moe, engari kei reira anō te wairuatanga. Ka huna pea e koe ngā mea katoa, ka mawhiti atu i tō hoa rangatira harakore, engari he tangata tinihanga koe, he tangata tinihanga hoki ki tō hinengaro o roto, ā, ka mau tonu tēnei tohu ki te urupā.