Kāore ianei te marena e rite tonu i muri i te puremu?

"Ehara te tinihanga me te teka i te uaua, engari he take hei wehe..." – koinei te kōrero a te kaituhi rongonui a Patti Callahan Henry i roto i tana pukapuka Between The Tides. Ā, e whakaae ana mātou ki a ia. Engari, ki te mea kei te taha koe o te tinihanga, ka whakaaro pea koe, "Kāore anō kia rite te marena i muri i te tinihanga?" Ahakoa ko koe te hoa tinihanga, ka whakaaro pea koe mēnā he nui te whakapāha hei whakaora anō i te marena pakaru.

I roto i tēnei tuhinga, kua rukuhia e mātou tēnei take ki roto i te hōhonutanga, me te āwhina a te tohunga hinengaro. Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Hinengaro), he tohunga ki te CBT, REBT, me te kaiārahi mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, ā, i kitea e ia ngā take e kore ai e rite te marena i muri i te puremu. Kua kohikohia hoki e mātou ētahi tohutohu hei āwhina i a koe ki te whakatau i te puremu i roto i te marena. Nō reira, ki te mea kei te pāngia koe e te mamae o te puremu, kei te whakaaro nui rānei koe ki te houhanga rongo i muri i te puremu, pānuihia tonu…

He aha te take kāore te marena e rite tonu i muri i te puremu?

I mua i te taenga atu ki te pātai "He aha te kore ai e rite te marena i muri i te puremu?", me titiro tātou ki te whakamāramatanga o te puremu. E whakamārama ana a Nandita, "Ko te puremu, te kore puremu rānei i roto i te marena ko te tinihanga o tetahi hoa ki tetahi atu, engari he maha ngā momo tinihanga. Ahakoa, ina whakaaro tātou ki te puremu, ka whakaaro tātou ki te moepuku, kāore e tika kia waiho te tinihanga hei moepuku kotahi te pō. Ka taea e te tangata te whai i tetahi whanaungatanga aroha, i tetahi rānei take aronganui ki tētahi atu i waho o tana marena, me te kore e whai wāhi ki te moepuku.”

Ka tāpiri atu ia, "Ka taea te whakangaueue i te marena, ahakoa te momo tinihanga kua puta. Engari i roto i ngā momo tinihanga katoa, ko te pakaru nui rawa atu ko te pakaru o te whakawhirinaki." Nō reira, me titiro tātou ki ētahi take e kore ai te marena e rite anō i muri i te tinihanga:

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1. Te takahi i te whakawhirinaki

E kī ana a Nandita, "Ina pāngia te whakawhirinaki i roto i te whanaungatanga, ka whakangaueuetia te turanga matua o te whanaungatanga. Heoi anō, ko te whakawhirinaki te mea nui rawa atu i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ka pakaru te whakawhirinaki ahakoa ka huna e tō hoa rangatira ngā kōrero mō te tūtaki ki tētahi hoa wahine tawhito, me te kore rawa e kōrero." tinihanga ki a koe. "

I pāngia tētahi o ōku hoa, a Roger, e tētahi wheako rite tonu. I muri i tana mōhio kua tinihanga tana wahine, a Alicia, i a ia me tētahi hoa mahi, kāore ia i taea te whakawhirinaki anō ki a ia. I noho tonu rāua mārena engari te āhua nei kāore i te tino whakawhirinaki te whanaungatanga. He maha ngā wā ka kitea a Roger e amuamu ana, "Me pēhea rā ahau e whakawhirinaki anō ai ki a ia?" He nui te mamae i roto i tōna reo.

2. Te ngaronga o te whakaaro haumaru

Tetahi momo te kore whakapono i roto i te marenaAhakoa he āwangawanga, he ā-tinana rānei, ka pā ki te wairua haumaru o te marena. E kī ana a Nandita, "Tērā pea ka ngaro te haumaru o ngā hoa e rua i tēnei āhuatanga. Ka noho pōuri te hoa rangatira kua tinihangatia i te heke mai, ā, ka whakaaro tonu ia ki hea te ahunga o te whanaungatanga, engari ko te hoa rangatira kāore i te pono, tērā pea ka whakaaro kua ngaro te hononga hauora me te haumaru ki tā rātou hoa rangatira."

3. Kare-a-roto

Ko tētahi atu take e kore ai e rite tonu ngā marena i muri i te puremu ko te mamae o te ngākau. E whakapono ana a Nandita, "Ehara i te mea ko te hoa kua tinihangatia anake ka pāngia e te mamae o te ngākau i muri i te mahi puremu. Ahakoa ko te hoa kua tinihanga, tera pea ka pāngia e te mamae o te ngākau i tēnei wā, ina mōhio rātou ki tā rātou hapa."

Te pānui e pā ana: 11 Ngā kare ā-roto e pā ana ki te tangata i muri i te tinihangatia

4. Te mauahara

He aha te take kāore te marena e rite tonu i muri i te tinihanga? Ko te mauahara e pupū ake ana i roto i te whārite i waenga i te tokorua i muri i te tinihanga, i te tinihanga rānei i roto i te marena tētahi o ngā tino take e kore ai te marena e rite tonu i muri i te tinihanga.
E whakamārama ana a Nandita, "Ko te hoa rangatira kua tukinotia ko ia te tangata e riri ana i roto i ēnei āhuatanga, he mārama noa iho. Ā, ka tāpirihia e tēnei riri ngā kare ā-roto kino hou o te mauahara me te riri ka huri i te mutunga." te kaha o te whanaungatanga te marena rānei.”

5. Te āhua o te pouri

E mea ana a Nandita, "Ina whakaaroaro ngā hoa tokorua ki ngā mea kua tupu, ka taupokina rātou e te pouri nui, ka puta te whakaaro kua mutu te whanaungatanga, te ngaronga, me te whakaaro kua rerekē te ara katoa o te marena. Tērā pea ka pāngia ngā hoa tokorua e te pouri nui mō te ngaronga o ngā painga o te whanaungatanga i mua."

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6. Te kore korero

Ka pāngia te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero a te tokorua e tetahi mahi tinihanga. Nō reira, ka roa pea ngā wā e pāngia ana te tokorua. te maimoatanga puku i tukuna e tetahi, e rua rānei. Ka whakakino tēnei i te hononga i waenganui i te tokorua. Ā, ki te kore e whakatikahia, ka mutu pea te whanaungatanga.

7. Kāore te whanaungatanga piripono e rite anō

He aha te mea kino rawa atu o te tinihanga? Ko te āhuatanga katoa o te 'ngaronga o te aroha i muri i te tinihanga'. Ahakoa te momo tinihanga, ahakoa te kare ā-roto, ahakoa te tinana, kāore te taatai ​​i waenganui i te tokorua i rite tonu i ēnei rā.

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I kōrero mai tētahi o ōku hoa, a Debbie, ki ahau mō te whakarihariha o te whakaaro ki te noho tahi me tana hoa i muri i tana rongonga kua tinihanga ia i a ia. Ka aue ia i a ia e kī ana, "Kāore e ngaro te mamae o te tinihanga, e hoa. Te āhua nei kāore rawa ahau e ora i tēnei. I ngā wā katoa e pā mai ana ia ki ahau, ka mataku ahau i te whakaaro ki tāna i mahi ai ki a ia." te wahine kē atu. "

Ka taea e te marena te ora i te tinihanga?

Nō reira, kāore te marena e rite tonu i muri i te puremu? Ā, ka taea te hoki anō ki te huarahi tika i muri i te tinihanga? Āe, e mōhio ana tātou katoa, tērā pea kāore e rite tonu. Engari he nui te whakawhirinaki ki te kaha o te hononga i waenganui i ngā hoa i mua i te tinihanga. Ka tāpiri atu a Nandita, "Tērā pea ka ka taea e te marena te ora tonu mēnā ka whakatau ngā hoa rangatira kia angitu.”

A Reddit kaiwhakamahi e mea ana, "He nui hoki te aroha e hiahiatia ana. Tuatahi mai i a ia i roto i te ahua o te pouri. Me mamae ia nā te mea i mamae koe. Ā, i te mutunga, me aroha koe ki ōna kare ā-roto ina mārama ia kāore koe e whakawhirinaki, e whakaute rānei i a ia i taua ara anō. (Mēnā he pono tana whakapau kaha, tera pea ka whakahīhī koe ki tōna tipu me te tangata kua riro i a ia. Engari ehara i te mea rite tonu).

"Me whakaae. Mōna, me whakaae ia kāore ia e whakawhirinakihia mō tētahi wā roa. Mōu, ka taea e koe te whakaae i tēnei hei wāhanga o tō kōrero. Ā, he roa te wā. He wā ki te mātakitaki i ngā mahi me te whakatau. He wā ki te whakaora. He wā ki te keri. He wā ki te hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki mā roto i ngā mahi auau i roto i te wā."

Kia pehea te roa o te marena i muri i te moepuku?

rangahau I whakaatuhia e te American Psychological Association e 53% o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine i pāngia e te tinihanga i roto i tā rātou marena i wehe i roto i ngā tau e 5 i muri i te tinihanga, ahakoa he rongoā whakaora, kāore rānei. Heoi, ehara tēnei i te kī he whakautu tuturu ki te pātai: kia pēhea te roa o te marena i muri i te tinihanga?

E hia ngā marena e ora tonu ana i te tinihanga?

A ako i te US i whakaatu ko te 35% o ngā marena katoa kua pāngia e te tinihanga, ko te 52% o aua marena i mutu ngā marena i te whakarereEngari ka rerekē pea te whakautu ki te maha o ngā marena e ora tonu ana i roto i te tinihanga, i runga i ngā horopaki ahurea me ngā tumanakohanga.

Hei tauira, e ai ki tā Nandita, "I roto i ngā hapori o Āhia ki te Tonga, he maha ngā wāhine e whakawhirinaki ana ki ā rātou tāne i te taha pūtea, ā, kāore pea e ngāwari te whakarere. Nō reira, ahakoa te kore whakapono, ka piri tonu pea rātou ki te marena, mō te moni, mō ngā take pēnei i te pēhanga a te hapori me te tiaki i ngā tamariki. Nō reira, ahakoa i te tirohanga tuatahi, te āhua nei kua ora tonu aua marena, ā, i te mutunga, ka mutu hei whanaungatanga takoto kau, kāore he aroha."

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Me pēhea te whakatau i te kore pono i roto i te marena

Nō reira, ki te mea kei te whakaaro tonu koe, "Kāore anō kia rite te marena i muri i te puremu?", kāore. Engari me pēhea te ora o te marena i te tinihanga? te ako ariā tūāpapa mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine i ora mai i te puremu, i whakaatu mai ko ngā tāngata i pāngia e te puremu ā-ira tangata "i whiriwhiri ki te noho tahi, me te kī kua wheako rātou i te whakaoranga whai tikanga." Nō reira, ahakoa he maha ngā marena ka mutu nā te puremu, he maha tonu ngā marena e ora tonu ana i muri i ēnei momo tinihanga kino.

Nā, me pēhea te whakatau i te tinihanga i roto i te marena? Ā, he aha te rerekētanga o te marena i muri i te tinihanga? He pai te wehenga i muri i te tinihanga mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine katoa? He pai ake rānei te noho tahi me te whawhai ki tēnei tūmomo whakamataku me te whakatau kaha kia noho tahi ā muri ake nei? Āe, ko koe anake ka taea te whakatau he aha ngā whakautu ki ēnei pātai mōu me tō marena. Heoi, ki te whakatau koe ki te noho, he iti ngā tohutohu a Nandita mō te whakatau i te mamae o te tinihanga me te mahi ki te whakatika i te katoa o te 'te hinga i te aroha i muri i te tinihanga' horopaki:

1. Whakaaetia kua puta te whanoke

E mea ana a Nandita, "Ko te mea tuatahi me mahi e te tangata hei whakatau i te kore whakapono ko te whakaae ki te meka i puta." Inaianei, e whakaae ana mātou ki a ia. He maha ngā wā, ka uru mātou ki te whakakahore. Ā, ina whakakahore mātou i te noho o tētahi raruraru, ka uaua ake te whakatau. Nō reira, ko te huna i te kore whakapono e kore e āwhina. Ka nui ake te tawhiti o kōrua, ā, ka noho pōuri, ka kore hoki te marena.

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2. Haere i roto i te ngakau pouri

E whakapono ana a Nandita, "Ina whakaae koe kua whakakorikoria tō whanaungatanga e te tinihanga, me pāngia koe me tō hoa e te pouri." He wāhanga whakaora tēnei, e anga atu ana ki te mamae o te hononga whakararu mā te mahi tahi ka tata atu ai kōrua tetahi ki tetahi.

I pāngia tētahi o ōku hoa, a Ashley, e te mamae o te puremu i te wā i kī ai tana tāne, a Damien, i tētahi rā pai kua tinihanga ia i a ia me tētahi hoa mahi i te tau kua pahure ake nei i te wā e hapu ana ia. Ināianei, i whakatau tuatahi a Ashley kia wehe, engari i muri i ētahi wiki, ka noho tahi rāua ko Damien ka tangi i ō rāua ngākau, ka whakamahara anō ki ngā āhuatanga o mua i te puremu. I te mutunga ka hoki anō rāua, ā, he tāne aroha a Damien mai i taua wā.

3. Kia pono, kia tuwhera hoki te kōrero

He huarahi kē atu hei kōrero ngākau-ki-ngākau ki tō hoa rangatira mō te aituā me te mamae o te ngākau i puta? Kāore, nā te mea ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero te kī ki te hononga hauora.

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E mea ana a Nandita, "Mā te kōrero ka pai ake te mārama ki tō hoa rangatira, ahakoa kua tinihanga rāua, kāore rānei." Nō reira, ko te wehe i muri i te tinihanga ehara pea i te otinga pai hei whakatika i te marena. Ahakoa e hiahia ana koe kia whakaae tō hoa tinihanga ki te whakapae mō tā rāua mahi, kātahi ka arotahi ki te hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki ki te marena, me rite kōrua ki te kōrero i te tuatahi.

4. Kimihia te pūtake

I a koe e kōrero ana ki tō hoa tinihanga, kaua e waiho hei whakaaturanga o te whakapehapeha, engari kia arotahi ki te tautuhi i te pūtake o te tinihanga. He maha ngā take kei muri i te tinihanga, pēnei i:

• Te kore e pai ki te oranga moepuku o te tangata
• Te whakaaro kāore koe i te arohia, kāore rānei koe i te maioha ki a ia i roto i te marena
• Te hiahia ohorere ki te whakamātau i tētahi mea hou

I pāngia tētahi hoa mahi, a Janice, e te mamae ōrite i tana kitenga kua tau te roa o te whanaungatanga a tana tāne, a Martin, ki tana hēkeretari. I tino pouri a Janice, tae noa ki tana whakatau ki te rapu i te take i tinihanga ai tana tāne aroha. Kātahi ka mōhio ia kua whakaititia a Martin nā te mea he nui ake ngā moni whiwhi a Janice i a ia. Nā tēnei i tinihanga ai ia i a ia kia rite ki tētahi alpha taneAe, he kuware, e mōhio ana mātou! Engari ka taea anō hoki tēnei.

5. Kimihia ngā take hei noho

Mō te hunga e hiahia ana ki te pupuri i te marena me te hoa tinihanga, me kimi he take hei noho tonu. Ehara i te mea me noho tahi kōrua mō ā kōrua tamariki, mō ngā tumanakohanga pāpori rānei (i roto i ētahi ahurea), engari me noho tahi kōrua ki te rapu i ngā mea i whai hua i roto i tō kōrua marena i mua i te puremu.

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E mea ana a Nandita, "Me kimi e ngā tāne me ngā wāhine ngā wāhi e hiahia ai rātou ki te haere tonu — he pīataata o te tumanako i waenganui i te pōuri." Ko ētahi o aua take:

• Ko te meka he whāinga ōrite tō kōrua tokorua, pērā i te haereere i te ao, te hanga pakihi hou rānei, he mea onge tēnei e kitea ana i roto i ētahi atu tāngata
• Ngā āhuatanga tūturu o te hoa, pērā i te aroha, te ngākau atawhai rānei, i meinga ai koe kia aroha ki a rātou i mua
• Ngā maharatanga o tētahi wā tino nui o mua, pērā i tētahi aituā whakamate, i tētahi whakamaumaharatanga mamae rānei i te hōhipera, i te wā i piri tahi ai kōrua tetahi ki tetahi

6. Whakamutua ngā kare ā-roto kino

E whakapono ana a Nandita, "He mea tino nui te whakahaere i ō kare ā-roto kino i tēnei wā. Nō reira, ahakoa he hara, he riri, he whakama rānei, kaua e wareware noa ngā hoa rangatira ki ō rātou kare ā-roto engari me noho wātea hoki ki te taha o te hoa rangatira tetahi ki tetahi. Me tū te hoa rangatira kore pono i te taha o te hoa rangatira kua pōuri rawa i te tinihanga."

I tēnei wā, kia maumahara kāore he:

• Huri-whakapae
• Ngā kōrero whakatoi
• Ngā katakata whakakatakata, ngā katakata whakarihariha rānei
• Te whakamahi i te reo kino, te karanga ingoa kino rānei

A Reddit kaiwhakamahi e whakaae ana: "Kāore he take ki te whakapae, ki te whakama rānei. He rite tonu ki te murunga nama. Ka murua te nama, ka mukua rānei i te rēkoti, kāore rānei. Ki te kore, ko te mea nui ko te pono ki a koe anō mō ​​te nui o te tūponotanga o te whanaungatanga."

7. Kia tautoko

Ki te mea kua paunatia e koe ngā painga me ngā huakore, ā, kua whakatau koe kia angitu te marena, he mea nui kia whakaatu koe i tō tautoko ki tō hoa. E kī ana a Nandita, "Ko te horopeta hauora o te pono me te aroha pea te mea e hiahiatia ana hei whakaora anō i tō whanaungatanga"... Kia manawanui, kia ngana hoki ki te tautoko i a koe i ēnei wā raruraru, ina koa ka kōrero mai tō hoa tinihanga i te take i uru ai rāua ki tētahi hononga i te tuatahi." Mā te tautoko, ko te tikanga anō hoki he hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki. Tukuna atu ngā kupuhipa mēnā me mahi, engari kia mahara ki te whakaara anō i te whakawhirinaki.

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8. Kimihia he punaha tautoko

Ahakoa he mea nui kia noho hei hoa tautoko i a koe e pāngia ana e te tinihanga i roto i tō marena, he mea tino nui hoki kia kitea he pūnaha tautoko māu ake hei tere ake i te... te tukanga whakaora i te whakaponokore.

E mea ana a Nandita, "Nō reira, whakapaua te wā ki ngā hoa, ki ngā mema o te whānau, ki ngā hoa mahi, ki tētahi pakeke rānei e taea te tuku tohutohu pai ki a koe, me te whakawhirinaki ki a rātou. Whakarongo ki ā rātou whakaaro engari kaua e tukua kia whakahaua koe e rātou. Ka taea hoki e koe te whakapau wā ki ō hoa tautoko hei mea whakararuraru hauora. Whakaarohia tēnei hei mahi tiaki i a koe anō."

9. Tikina he awhina ngaio

Ki te kore e angitu ngā huarahi katoa, ā, e kore e taea e koe te whakakore i te puremu i roto i te marena, kāti, kāore he mea i pai ake i te tohutohu pai me te ngaio mai i te kaitohutohu marena.

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Tērā pea ka whakatau koe ki te anga whakamua me te kore e whakatika i tō marena mēnā kāore e taea te whakatika. Heoi anō, mā ētahi tohutohu a ngā tohunga ka tere ake te tukanga whakaora, ka āwhina i a koe ki te hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki ki te whanaungatanga, ki te whakatau rānei i te wehenga. Ā, ki te mea kei te raru koe ki te kimi i te āwhina ngaio tika, Ngā kaitohutohu o Bonobology kei te rite tonu ki te āwhina!

Ahakoa kua whakatau koe ki te anga whakamua i te ao, me te kore tō hoa tinihanga, kua whakaae rānei koe ki te whakatika i te marena, ā, kei te ahu whakamua koe i roto i tō haerenga whakaora, kia mahara, nāu te whakatau. Kaua e whakaaro kua akiakihia koe ki te hoki ki te hoa tinihanga nā te mea e hiahia ana ō hoa, ō whānau rānei kia pērā koe. Tērā pea ka roa te wā e ora ai i te kore whakapono me te hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki ki roto i te marena. Engari kaua koe e whakaaro kei te mauheretia koe i roto i te marena, kaua hoki e pouri ki te noho tonu i roto i tētahi. Kotahi tō oranga. Kaua e moumou noa iho i te tinihanga.

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