“Sizizibini ezixambulisana ngalo lonke ixesha.” "Siyalwa kodwa siyalungisa kwaye sihlale kunye nokuba kwenzeka ntoni." Le yintsomi endala njengexesha malunga nezibini ezithandanayo kakhulu kodwa zingabonakali ukuba zingawunqanda njani umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane. Baqhubeka betyibilika kwesi sangqa seengxabano ezishushu, emva naphambili, bengazi ukuba balwele nini ubudlelwane kunye nokuba banikezele nini. Ewe, ukuba uyanxulumana nale nto, ukwindawo elungileyo.
Kweli nqaku, i-trauma-informed counseling psychologist Anushtha Mishra (MSc., Counselling Psychology), ojongene nokubonelela unyango kwiinkxalabo ezifana nokuxhatshazwa, imiba yobudlelwane, ukudandatheka, ukuxhalaba, usizi, kunye nesithukuthezi, phakathi kwabanye, ubhala ukukunceda ukuba ufumane ukuqonda okunzulu ukuba kutheni izibini ziqhubeka ziphindaphinda ingxabano efanayo kunye nendlela yokuyeka ukulwa nobudlelwane.
Umjikelo wokulwa kuBudlelwane
Isiqulatho
Umjikelo wokulwa ufana nelophu engapheliyo yokungakhathali apho izibini zinokubanjwa xa zineengxabano okanye ukungavisisani. Le pateni inokubamba nakweliphi na inqanaba lobudlelwane. Ukulwa kwizigaba zokuqala zobudlelwane kuxhaphake kakhulu, ngokuchasene nembono yokuba ngumba wobudlelwane bexesha elide kuphela.
Ekuphela kwengcinga edlula engqondweni yesi sibini kukuba, “Sisoloko sixambulisana,” sibashiya befuna impendulo yendlela yokuphelisa umlo wokulwa kubudlelwane. Iqala xa umntu omnye ecaphuka okanye ekhathazekile ngento ethile, kwaye banokuvakalisa iimvakalelo zabo ngamazwi okanye ngezenzo baze bazive benetyala kuba bevakalelwa kukuba ngomnye wemikhwa yabo emibi kubudlelwane. Oku kunokukhokelela ekubeni omnye umntu akhathazeke ngokubuyisela, kwaye ingxabano ikhula. Basenokuphikisana, bakhale, okanye basebenzise amandla, kwaye oku kuhlala kubuyela emva naphambili. Kufana nomjikelo kuba unokuphinda-phinda.
Kutheni izibini zihlala zisilwa? 5 izizathu eziphambili
Ukuyeka ukuxambulisana kubudlelwane, kubalulekile ukuqhawula umjikelo ngokusebenzisa unxibelelwano kunye nezakhono zokusombulula iingxaki ukusombulula imiba ngoxolo kwaye ufumane indlela yokuqondana ngcono. Kwangaxeshanye, kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuba ivela phi le mfuno yokulwa. Nazi izizathu ezi-5 eziphambili zokuba isibini sinokuzifumana sibambekile kumjikelo wongquzulwano:
- Unxibelelwano olubi: Izibini ezisilelayo ukunxibelelana ngeenjongo kulo mzuzu wangoku zihlala zisokola ngemiba enxulumene nokukhula kunye nokusondelana kwaye zibambeke kumjikelo wokulwa. Research kusenza siqonde ngakumbi ngokutyhila ukuba ukungabikho konxibelelwano oluphumelelayo kungunobangela wokuwohloka komtshato
- Izigxeko okanye ukukhombana ngeminwe: UGqr. John Gottman uthi, "Izigxeko zinamandla okuthatha uxolo kubomi baba bantu babini kubudlelwane." Ukugxekwa yeyona nto ikruqulayo ukuba ingqongwe, ngakumbi ukuba ivela kwiqabane lakho lothando
- Ulawulo lwemali: Ngokwe- 2014 APA Uxinzelelo eMelika uphando, imali ngumthombo omkhulu wongquzulwano kubudlelwane babo. Enye isifundo ibonisa ukuba izibini ezihlala zixambulisana kubudlelwane malunga nemali zithande ukuba nzulu, zibe yingxaki ngakumbi, kwaye zihlale zingasonjululwanga.
- Imikhwa yamaqabane: Isifundo wabonisa ukuba imikhwa amaqabane ', ezifana nokushiya izitya phezu kwekhawuntara, hayi ukuchola emva kwabo, ukuhlafuna imilomo evulekileyo, okanye igalelo kwimisebenzi yasekhaya, beza ekulweni 17% ixesha, nto leyo eyenza kube sesona sizathu sixhaphakileyo songquzulwano.
- Umahluko ekulindelweni malunga nokusondelana: Uphononongo olukhankanywe ngasentla lukwabonise ukuba i-8% yemilo phakathi kwesibini imalunga nokusondelana, ukwabelana ngesondo, kunye nokubonakaliswa kothando, kubandakanywa ukuba kuboniswa rhoqo kangakanani okanye indlela ukusondelana.
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Ungawuyeka njani umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane-11 Iingcebiso ezicetyiswa yiNgcali
Ngoku uyazi ukuba kutheni yilwa nomntu omthandayo emtshatweni okanye kubudlelwane kwaye uhlale ubanjwe kuloo mjikelo "silwa kodwa silungisa kwaye sihlale", Kwakhona kubalulekile ukwazi indlela yokuyeka loo mjikelezo wokulwa kubudlelwane ngokupheleleyo kwaye ungabi ngomnye wezibini eziphikisanayo ngamaxesha onke.
Isitshixo sokufumana impendulo kwindlela yokuyeka ukuxambulisana kubudlelwane lunxibelelwano olusebenzayo. Ukujongana nendlela yokulungisa ubudlelwane emva kokulwa rhoqo kufuna ukuzinikela kwi-introspection kunye nokuziphucula, kunye nomzamo wokubambisana wokuchonga izizathu ezisisiseko zeengxabano kunye nokusebenza kunye kwizisombululo ezakhayo. Apha ngezantsi kukho iindlela ezimbalwa onokuthi uziqhelanise nazo ukuze uyeke ukuxambulisana kubudlelwane:
1. Cofa iqhosha lokunqumama kodwa ubuyele kwiincoko kamva
Oku kukuvumela ukuba ungene kwisiqwenga seengcebiso zobudlelwane kwizibini endizinikezela kubathengi bam kunyango - thatha ixesha. Ithetha ukuba zonke iingxoxo malunga nokuba umntu ngamnye ufuna ntoni komnye ziyeke ngokukhawuleza ade omabini amaqabane abuyele kwimeko yokuzola kunye nengqiqo yengqondo. Kubalulekile ukuba uzibuze ukuba ukwimeko apho ungajongana nale ngxaki.
Ukuba ukuzola kwemeko kuphelile, kufuneka ixesha elithile ukuze incoko eyakhayo yenzeke xa omabini amaqabane epholile kwaye unokufikelela ukulungelelana ngokweemvakalelo. Unokuba nexesha ekuvunyelwene ngalo elinokuhlala naphi na phakathi kweyure kunye nosuku, emva koko iintetho ziya kuqalisa kwakhona.
Ayifani nokuhamba ngenxa yokucaphuka, nto leyo enokukhokelela ekubeni iqabane lakho lizive lilahliwe kwaye lingabetha ukuzithemba kwalo. Yindlela yentsebenziswano ekusebenzeni izinto ngendlela enempilo kwaye eyakhayo kwaye enye yezona ngcebiso zisebenzayo malunga nendlela yokuqhawula umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane.
2. Ukuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo kubalulekile
Akusoloko kufuneka wenze inqaku okanye uzimisele ukwenza omnye umntu abone umbono wakho. Oku kusebenza ngakumbi ukuba uqhubeka usilwa kakhulu kubudlelwane. Ukuze ukwazi ukunqanda umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane, thatha umzuzwana ukuphulaphula nje, ngaphandle kwezigwebo okanye ucalucalulo, ngovelwano. Buza imibuzo uze umamele iimpendulo ngaphandle kokufuna ukwazi ukuba uthini ngokulandelayo, nokuba kunzima ukwenza oko.
Iyafuneka ukuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo ukwazi ukulungisa ubudlelwane emva kokulwa rhoqo kwaye uze kwindawo efanayo. Enye yezinto kukuba ngokufuthi sityekele ekuhloleni enoba uninzi lwento esiyiphulaphulayo iyinyani okanye akunjalo. Endaweni yoko, zama ukumamela amava eqabane lakho kanye njengokuba kunjalo—amava—ngaphandle kokugxininisa okanye uxhalabele ukuba ayinyaniso na. "Sihlala sisilwa kodwa siyathandana." Ukuba nguwe lo, ngoko ukufunda indlela yokuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo kunokunceda.
3. Gxininisa kwinto enokusombulula
Research ibonisa ukuba izibini ezonwabileyo zityekele ekuthabatheni isicombululo kwiingxabano, yaye oku kucaca nakwimixholo ekhetha ukuyixubusha. Bafumanisa ukuba izibini ezinjalo zikhetha ukunikela ingqalelo kwimibandela enezicombululo ezicacileyo, njengokusasazwa kwemisebenzi yasekhaya nendlela yokuchitha ixesha lokuphumla.
Eyona nto bayithethayo kukuba izibini ezihlala kunye ngolonwabo zibonakala ziwaphakamisa amadabi azo ngobulumko kwaye zijolise kuphela kwezo zinokuconjululwa, zingabanjwa kumjikelo wokulwa ongapheliyo oqhubekayo okanye ophindaphinda ingxabano enye ngokuphindaphindiweyo.
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4. Khetha ixesha elifanelekileyo
Ukukhetha ixesha elifanelekileyo lokuxoxa ngezinto ezibalulekileyo kubudlelwane kufana nokufumana umzuzu ogqibeleleyo xa wena neqabane lakho ninokunxibelelana kwaye niqondane. Khawucinge ukuba uceba ukuthetha ngento ebalulekileyo, njengekamva lakho kunye okanye isihloko esibuthathaka. Kubalulekile ukukhetha umzuzu xa nobabini nizolile kwaye nikhululekile, kanye njengokufumana imozulu elungileyo yokuya kwipikiniki.
A isifundo kwi Umbhalo weNzululwazi yengqondo ibonise ukuba izibini ezincokolayo ngamaxesha oxinezeleko okanye isiphithiphithi zidla ngokuba nemiphumo emibi. Kufana nokuzama ukuba nencoko enzulu ngoxa kukho uqhwithela ngaphandle—kunzima ukuva omnye nomnye. Kwelinye icala, izibini ezikhethe ixesha elifanelekileyo, njengengokuhlwa ezolileyo ekhaya, zanikela ingxelo ngemiphumo emihle ngakumbi yeengxubusho zazo. Ukuyiqwalasela le nyaniso kubalulekile ukuba ufuna ukufunda indlela yokuyeka ukulwa kubudlelwane.
5. Funda iinzame zokulungisa
UGqr John Gottman ichaza umzamo wokulungisa “njengayo nayiphi na intetho okanye isenzo, esibubudenge okanye ngenye indlela, esithintela ukungaboni ngasonye ekunyukeni ekungalawuleni phakathi komnye.” Amaqabane akubudlelwane obunempilo alungisa kwangethuba kwaye rhoqo kubudlelwane babo kwaye anezicwangciso ezininzi zendlela yokwenza oko. Olu lolona qheliselo lusebenzayo ukunceda izibini ziyeke ukulwa.
Kukho iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokulungisa ukugqabhuka (oko kukuthi, Yakha kwakhona unxibelelwano emva komonakalo weemvakalelo) okanye ingxabano kwaye ufunde indlela yokuphepha imilo kubudlelwane. Unokuqala ngokusebenzisa amabinzana okulungisa aqala ngokuthi "Ndiziva", "Uxolo", okanye "Ndiyabulela". Elona candelo lilungileyo malunga noku kukuba unokufumana uyilo ngendlela othanda ngayo, uze neendlela zakho ezizezakho, ezithi ekugqibeleni zizalisekise isidingo sokuzola nobabini. Le yenye yezona mpendulo zisebenzayo kwindlela yokumisa umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane.
6. Cela into oyifunayo
Iqabane lakho alikwazi intuitively into oyifunayo ukuze waneliseke okanye wonwabe. Ubudlelwane obunempilo kuxa ucela into oyifunayo kunokuba ucinge ukuba iqabane lakho liya kukwazi ngokuzenzekelayo. Xa unxibelelana into oyidingayo kubudlelwane, unika iqabane lakho ithuba lokuba libe lapho kuwe, nto leyo eya kukunceda ukuba udlule kulo mjikelo wokulwa. Hlala usemngciphekweni kwaye ugxile kwiimvakalelo kunye neengcinga 'zakho' ngelixa usazisa ezi zidingo kwiqabane lakho.
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7. Yenza utshintsho kwisikhalazo uye kwisicelo
“Sisoloko sisilwa kodwa siyathandana” yimvakalelo eqhelekileyo kulwalamano oluninzi. Nangona kunjalo, kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuba ezi ngxabano zihlala zivela kwiimfuno ezingafezekanga. Isikhalazo, eneneni, yimbonakaliso yentswelo engafezekanga. Xa singakuceli oko sikudingayo, siphendukela kwizikhalazo malunga nokungafezekiswa kweemfuno zethu.
Abantu bahlala besebenzisa izivakalisi ezinjengokuthi “Kutheni u…” okanye “Uyazi ukuba andikuthandanga xa ubu…” ukuxelela iqabane labo ukuba akonelisekanga ngamazwi okanye izenzo zabo. Nangona kunjalo, eyona ngxaki iphambili kwezi zigxeko kunye nezikhalazo kukuba ziyingozi kubudlelwane bakho kwaye akukhokele ndawo malunga nendlela yokumisa umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane kwaye kunokukhokelela kubudlelwane. ubudlelwane obungenampilo.
Indlela yokuyeka ukulwa kubudlelwane? Qala ngokuvakalisa indlela oziva ngayo kuqala, ungqale, uze uthethe into oyifunayo kwiqabane lakho ukunqanda izikhalazo ngokubanzi ezinje ngokuthi “sixambulisana ngalo lonke ixesha”. Kukwabalulekile ukuba unikezele ngokwenza utshintsho ngokubuza ukuba kukho nantoni na abangathanda ukuyitshintsha.
8. Sebenzisa inkcazo ethi 'Ndi'
Iithoni ezityholayo okanye amagama asenokungena endleleni yengxoxo eyakhayo malunga nemiba yakho. Ngokukhawuleza ukuba omnye wenu uziva ehlaselwa, iindonga ezikhuselayo zivela kwaye unxibelelwano olwakhayo luba lungenakwenzeka, lushiya indawo yombono ohlukileyo. Ngelixa siyakwazi oku, uninzi lwethu lusasebenzisa iingxelo ezithetha ukuba omnye umntu uye wasenza buhlungu ngabom kwaye ufanele abekwe ityala ngokupheleleyo ngokusenza. unomsindo kubudlelwane. Sijolisa kwihambo yomnye umntu ngaphandle kokuchitha naliphi na ixesha sicinga ukuba kutheni siziva buhlungu.
Ukuqala isivakalisi sakho ngo-'Mna' kukunceda ukuba uthethe ngeemvakalelo ezinzima, uchaze ukuba ingxaki ikuchaphazela njani, kwaye uthintele iqabane lakho ekubeni lizive linetyala. Kusikhokelela ekubeni sithathe uxanduva ngeemvakalelo zethu ngelixa sikwachaza into esikhathazayo. Oku kuvula indlela yencoko phakathi kwabatshatileyo kwaye yenye yezona ndlela zisebenzayo zokunceda izibini ziyeke ukulwa.
9. Gcina ixesha lakho
Abahlobo bam, uAshley noDennis, baneminyaka eli-14 betshatile. UAshley uyakuthanda ukupeyinta, kwaye uDennis uyakonwabela ukudlala ibhola yomnyazi. Ngokulandela umdla wabo ngamnye, abakhuli nje njengabantu ngabanye kodwa bazisa amabali amatsha namava ukuze babelane ngawo omnye nomnye. UAshley usenokupeyinta ukutshona kwelanga okuhle, yaye uDennis unokumxelela ngomfanekiso omangalisayo awenzileyo kwibala lebhola yomnyazi.
Ukuba ubuzibuza ukuba ungayeka njani ukuxabana kubudlelwane, yazi loo nto ukuba nendawo yakho ingenza imimangaliso ekupheliseni umlilo wengxabano okanye ukubala ingqumbo. Ikuthintela ukuba uzive udinwe okanye udinwe omnye nomnye. Kanye njengaxa utya kakhulu ukutya okuthandayo, ngequbuliso awuchulumancisi ngako. Kuyafana kubudlelwane. Ukuthatha ikhefu omnye komnye kunye nokuba nezinto ozonwabisa ngazo kunokwenza ixesha lenu kunye likhetheke ngakumbi kwaye lugcine uthando luphila. Ngoko ke, khumbula, ixesha lobuqu lifana nokufefa komlingo okugcina ulwalamano lwenu lulutsha kwaye luchwayitisa.
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10. Gcina uthando luphila
Uphononongo luhlala lubonisa ukuba izibini ezihlala zivakalisa uthando kunye nombulelo zidla ngokuba nobudlelwane obude nobanelisayo kwaye ziqhekeze ikhowudi yokuphepha imilo kubudlelwane. Enyanisweni, kwisifundo esinesihloko, Ngaba Uthando Lwexesha elide Ngaphezu Kwento Enqabileyo, abaphandi bafumanisa ukuba izibini eziye umbiko ukuba “semathandweni kakhulu” emva kweminyaka emihlanu kusenokwenzeka ukuba basathandana emva kweminyaka engama-20.
Ukuzivakalisa rhoqo ezi mvakalelo yindlela yokuyeka ukulwa kubudlelwane. Ayikomelezi nje kuphela unxibelelwano lweemvakalelo kodwa ikwakhokelela kubudlelwane obuhlala ixesha elide nobanelisayo. Ngokuzikhumbuza ngeqhina elalinidibanisa nobabini ekuqaleni, unokunandipha ulwalamano olwanelisayo noluhlala luhleli.
11. Cinga ngonyango lwezibini
Ukuba ufumanisa kunzima ukudlula kwimilo wena kunye neqabane lakho eninalo kwaye ningathanda ukwenza umsebenzi wangaphakathi ukuqonda imiba enzulu ngaphantsi kweengxabano, iingcebiso zingakhokelela kwimpumelelo engaqhelekanga. Ngoncedo lweBonobology Iphaneli yeetheraphi ezinamava, unokusondeza inyathelo elinye kulwalamano oluhle.
Ukwazi ixesha lokulwela ubudlelwane kunye nexesha lokunikezela sisakhono esibalulekileyo. Noko ke, khumbula, kubalulekile ukuqonda xa ucelomngeni lunokoyiswa ngonxibelelwano nangemigudu naxa kunokuba bhetele ukukhululeka ukuze kulungelwe omabini amaqabane.
Iimpawu eziphambili
- Uninzi lwezibini ezitshatileyo zineengxabano kunye neengxabano kwaye, ngaxa lithile kulwalamano lwazo, ziye zacinga, "Ngalo lonke ixesha sisilwa ndifuna ukwahlukana."
- Unxibelelwano olulambathayo, ukugxekwa, ukuphatha kakubi imali, imikhwa yeqabane lakho, kunye nokwahluka kolindelo malunga nokusondelana kunokuba zizizathu ezimbalwa zokuba izibini zilwe.
- Unxibelelwano ngundoqo ekusonjululweni kwengxabano kubudlelwane
- Ukuthatha ixesha, ukuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo, ukugxila kwinto enosonjululwa, ukufunda ukuzama ukulungisa, ukucela endaweni yokukhalaza, ukusebenzisa iinkcazo zika-'I', kunye nokucela into oyifunayo ziindlela ezimbalwa zokumisa umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane.
- Unyango lwabatshatileyo lunokunceda ekulawuleni iingxabano kubudlelwane
Kutheni uxabana nomntu omthandayo? Okanye ulwela ntoni kodwa ekugqibeleni usabathanda ngentliziyo yakho yonke? Le yimibuzo sonke esiye sayibuza xa sisebenzisana nayo ingxabano emtshatweni okanye naluphi na uhlobo lobudlelwane. Ukuqonda ukuba kutheni kubalulekile ukuvuma nokwamkela ukuba le yinto ongathanda ukuyitshintsha.
Njengoko ibaluleke kakhulu 'kutheni', ukwazi 'indlela' yokujongana nongquzulwano xa luvela kubaluleke ngakumbi ekuthinteleni ukuba lujike lube ngumjikelo okhohlakeleyo. Kufuneka uxoxe ngayo neqabane lakho okanye niyihlolisise kunye ngoncedo lwengcali yezempilo yengqondo. Ndiyathemba ukuba esi siqwenga sikunike ingqiqo malunga nokuba kutheni kunye nendlela yokumisa umjikelo wokulwa kubudlelwane.
FAQs
Ngelixa ukulwa kuyinto eqhelekileyo kubudlelwane, ukuxambulisana rhoqo kubudlelwane ayilophawu lothando. Inene silwa nabantu esibakhathaleleyo kodwa siphinde silwe nabantu esingabakhathalelanga okanye esingabathandiyo. Imilo ethe rhoqo inokuba yityhefu ngokwenene emva kwexesha kwaye inokutshintsha yonke imo yobudlelwane. Ukulwa ngenjongo yinto eyahlula indlela enempilo yobudlelwane kubudlelwane obungenampilo, owenziwe ngokungaphezulu kunothando nje.
Ewe, kunokwenzeka ukuba uxabana kakhulu nomntu omthandayo, ngakumbi ukulwa kumanqanaba okuqala obudlelwane. Nangona kunjalo, kubalulekile ukuyibeka ingongoma yokuba ezi mpikiswano zihlala zakha. Ukuba akunjalo, zinokuba yityhefu ngokukhawuleza, ngokukhawuleza kakhulu.
Ukuba ufumanisa ukuba awukwazi ukuyeka ukuxambulisana kubudlelwane, yiba nencoko enyanisekileyo neqabane lakho okanye ufikelele kumcebisi wobudlelwane onokukunceda nobabini ukuba niqhubele phambili kwiingxabano kunye neengxabano.
Ngokuqinisekileyo, singabantu kuphela, kwaye sonke, ngaxa lithile, siye saxabana nabantu esibathandayo kakhulu kwaye sinokucinga ukuba, "Ngalo lonke ixesha silwa ndifuna ukuhlukana". Ngabo, siyalwa kodwa ekupheleni kosuku, sinqwenela ukubawola. Noko ke, eyona nto iphambili kukuba neengxoxo ezakhayo kunezitshabalalisayo apho kukho iminwe ekhombana ngokudelelana okanye ukugxekana. Kulapho iba yingxaki kwaye inokusonjululwa kuphela ngokuba nezakhono zonxibelelwano ezisebenzayo. Kodwa ewe, kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuba neengxabano neengxabano nomntu omthandayo.
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
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