Iindidi ezisi-7 zemida kubudlelwane boBudlelwane obunamandla

"Imida enempilo ikhusela ngaphandle kokuzihlukanisa, iqulethe ngaphandle kokuvalelwa, kwaye igcine isazisi ngelixa ivumela unxibelelwano lwangaphandle." – Anne Katherine, Imida: Apho uphelela khona kwaye ndiqala. Esi sicatshulwa sishwankathela ngokugqibeleleyo ukubaluleka kokuqaphela, ukuseta, kunye nokunyanzeliswa kweentlobo ezahlukeneyo zemida kubudlelwane.

Kubalulekile ukuba nencoko kwangethuba kubudlelwane malunga noluhlu lwemida yobuqu omabini amaqabane angathanda ukunyanzelisa kuba xa isibini sifumana ukonwaba ngokugqithisileyo omnye komnye, imigca phakathi kwakho, mna, kwaye sinokuba mfiliba ngokulula. Ngenxa yokuba unako ukubeka iinyawo zakho ezibandayo kwisisu esifudumeleyo seqabane lakho okanye ukhuphe i-acne enye kwenye ayithethi ukuba unokuthetha ngayo nantoni na efika engqondweni yakho. Ngokungazi, ezinye izihloko zinokusuka nje zibe buhlungu. 

Nokuba ubuhlobo benu bubonakala bulula, kusafuneka nicinge ngokuxoxa ngemida ukuze izinto zingahambi kakuhle. Ngenxa yokuba le ncoko inokungakhululeki okanye ibekhohlisi kubantu abaninzi, silapha ukukunceda uqalise. Makhe sijonge ngakumbi ukuba yeyiphi imida, kunye nendlela onokuthi uyibeke kwaye uyinyanzelise, kunye nokuqonda okuvela kwi-psychotherapist. UGqr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), ojongene nokucebisa ngobudlelwane kunye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

Zeziphi Iindidi ezisi-7 zemida kubudlelwane?

Nje ukuba uthando olutsha luqale ukuphela, iitekisi ezizingisileyo kunye neefowuni ziya kuhamba ngokukhawuleza ukusuka ku-"cute" ukuya "nceda uyiyeke". Kwiimeko ezinjalo, ukulandela imida enempilo uya kwenza imimangaliso kuwe ekugcineni ubudlelwane bakho buqhubeka. Ngapha koko, ukunika indawo kunye nokuhlonipha ubumfihlo ziindlela ezimbini zokwakha ubudlelwane obunempilo. Ukufunda ukubanga indawo yakho kwaye unike iqabane lakho elayo kunokuphucula kakhulu impilo yakho yengqondo, nto leyo enokukunceda ukuba wakhe ubuhlobo obunempilo, obuphilileyo.

UGqr. Bhonsle ithi, “Ukwazi ukuba yiyiphi imida omele uyibeke kulwalamano lunguthunywashe obalulekileyo olawula impilo yeqhina nabantu abakulo.” Sisenzo sokumisela ukuhlonelana nokuhlonela amalungelo, iminqweno, neminqweno yeqabane lakho kunye nabo, ukuvuma eyakho.”

Iindidi ezahlukeneyo zemida kubudlelwane ziya kunceda ukukuthatha kwi-cusp ye-amandla ubudlelwane obunetyhefu kulowo usempilweni apho uhlonipha isithuba somnye. Xa ubeka amagama alula, uya kufunda ukuthi “hayi” kwaye uqale ukuyibona njengesenzo sokuzikhathalela, ngaphandle kokukhathazeka ngezinto ezinje, “Andifuni mntu abe nombono ongalunganga ngam”. Ngoku sele siqalisile ukubaluleka kwazo, makhe singene kwiindidi ezahlukeneyo zemida kubudlelwane kwaye ungaziseta njani:

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1. Imida ngokwasemzimbeni

Imida yomzimba ijikeleza umzimba wakho, indawo yakho, kunye nenqanaba lokuchukumisa umzimba okhululekileyo kulo. Imizekelo yemida yomzimba kubudlelwane inokubandakanya ukumisela umda kwiPDA othatha inxaxheba kuyo, okanye ucela nje ixesha elithile uwedwa. Okanye uthi, ukuba awukho mkhulu kwi-cuddling, ukwazisa iqabane lakho ukuba endaweni yokuziva ubophelelekile ukubuyisela ukuqhubela phambili kwabo ngumzekelo wokumisela umda womzimba.

Ukuvakalisa uluvo lwakho kwimida yomzimba kuya kuthintela ukungaqondani kwaye uqinisekise ukuba nobabini nikwiphepha elinye. Yaye akuyomfuneko ukuba uzive unetyala ngako. Ubungakanani obufanelekileyo be indawo yam Kubalulekile ukuze ubudlelwane buchume, njengoko ikuvumela ukuba ukhule, uguquke kwaye unxibelelane nomntu wakho wokwenyani. Kwi Imida: Apho uphela khona kwaye ndiqala, UAnne Katherine naye ubhala athi, “Ukusondelelana kubangelwa ukwaziwa, yaye ukwaziwa kufuna uzazi, ukwazi isiqu sakho.”

Imizekelo yemida yomzimba kubudlelwane

Kwiindidi ezahlukeneyo zemida yomntu, ukuhlonipha indawo ebonakalayo kunokuba yeyona nto ibalulekileyo kubantu abaninzi. Kodwa uyidlulisela njani le nto kwiqabane lakho ngaphandle kokulimaza iimvakalelo zabo okanye ukuza kude? Nantsi imizekelo embalwa eya kukunceda uxoxe ngemida yakho ngaphandle kokukukhubekisa:

• “Andikuthandi ukubanjwa/ubanjwe ngolu hlobo”
• “Ndiziva ndidiniwe, ndifuna ikhefu”
• “Ndilambile, ndiza kuluma ngoku”
• “Andikwazi ukuba ne-XYZ kwindawo yam yokuhlala, andidibani nayo”
• "Ndicela unkqonkqoze phambi kokuba ungene egumbini lam"
• “Andikuthandi ukuphazanyiswa xa ndihlamba”
• “Musa ukunkqonkqoza ngamandla, ndixhalabile”

2. Imida ngokwesondo

Oku mhlawumbi lolona buthathaka kwaye lubalulekile kolu luhlu lwemida yobudlelwane. Uninzi lwezibini ezitshatileyo ziyakuphepha ukuxoxa ngezinto ezizilindeleyo ngokwesini, iimfuno, kunye nezithintelo ngaphambi kokuba zisondelelane, zisoyika ukuba nayiphi na incoko iya konakalisa ubunyani bamava. Kodwa zibuze, ngaba ubunyani bobuxoki bubaluleke ngakumbi kunokuqinisekisa ukuba uziva ukhuselekile kunye neqabane lakho?

Le yokugqibela, akunjalo? Yiloo nto kanye incoko malunga nokuba ufuna ukwabelana ngesondo na, ukuba ewe, njani kwaye phi, yintoni kinks wamkelekile, kwaye zeziphi nje ngqo-up engaqhelekanga kubalulekile ukuseta imida ubudlelwane obunempilo entsha. Nokuba ukhazimle phezu kwayo ngeentsuku zokuqala zobudlelwane bakho, akukho sizathu sokuba awukwazi ukuyenza ngoku.

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi, “Amaqabane afanele abelane ngeengcinga nangeminqweno yawo ngokuphandle nangokukhululekileyo ngaphandle kokuthandabuza okanye ukugweba.Noko ke, kubaluleke ngokulinganayo ukuhlonela ukungafuni kweqabane ukuba nenxaxheba kweminye yaloo mibono neminqweno. ngesondo esebenzayo njengeyakho okanye unokuba namava amabi ngesondo kwixesha elidlulileyo. Yiloo nto kanye ebangela ukuba ukumisela imida yesini kube kuko.” 

Imizekelo yemida yezesondo kubudlelwane

Ukwabelana ngesondo kunokujika kube sisihloko esichukumisayo phakathi kwamaqabane, ngakumbi xa kuziwa ekuvakaliseni iingcamango kunye ne-kinks kunye / okanye ukuwajika. Nantsi imizekelo embalwa yemida yezesondo kubudlelwane eya kukunceda ufunde ukuthi hayi ngaphandle kokonakalisa ukuzithemba kweqabane lakho:

• “Andiyonwabeli le nto, masizame enye into”
• "Ngaba ungathanda ukuzama isikhundla esitsha / ukulinga ngobuchule obutsha?"
• Andifuni ukwabelana ngesondo ngoku.
• “Andilunganga ngesini esingakhuselekanga”
• “Oku kubuhlungu/akukonwabanga. Yeka”

3. Imida yemali

Isicelo esihambelana no "Heyi, ndingaboleka imali kuwe? Uyazi ukuba ndiza kukuhlawula ngokukhawuleza kangangoko ndinako" akufanele kukushiye ungenakukwazi ukuthi hayi. Ufanele uboleke imali kumntu (nokuba uliqabane lakho) kuphela ukuba uyafuna, kwaye kungekhona ngenxa yokuba ukwesaba ukuba baya kukhwaza baze bathethe into enje, "Owu awundithembi?" okanye “Ngaba uxabisa imali ngaphezu kolwalamano lwethu?”

Ukuzoba umgca entlabathini malunga nemali efunyenwe nzima kunye nezinye izinto eziphathekayo kuphakathi kweyona mida ibalulekileyo kubudlelwane phakathi kwabantu, kwaye ewe, oko kubandakanya unxibelelwano lwezothando, kwaye akufanelekanga konke. Isenokuba yincoko elula, kodwa inikwe indlela imiba yemali inokonakalisa ubudlelwane, ibalulekile. Ngaphandle koko, ukufunda indlela yokuthetha malunga nezezimali ngaphandle kokuzikhusela okanye ukuchukumisa kunokuhamba indlela ende ekuphuculeni unxibelelwano kubudlelwane bakho. Ayizolulela ukutsho ukuba le yenye yezona ntlobo zibalulekileyo zemida kubudlelwane ekufuneka zijongwe.

Imizekelo yemida yemali

Ukumisela imida yezinto eziphathekayo kubudlelwane, ngakumbi obo bubandakanya imali, kunokuba nzima. Nantsi eminye imizekelo yokumisela imida yobuqu enxulumene nemali ngaphandle kokuba ivumele ukuba ibe yindawo ebuhlungu kubudlelwane bakho:

• “Andinakukuboleka imoto yam kuba igama lakho lingekho kwi-inshorensi”
• "Ndingavuya xa unokufumana inkonzo yemoto emva kohambo lwendlela"
• “Masijonge ityala lekhadi letyala kwaye sahlule ukuba ngubani otyala ntoni”
• “Asinakukhupha imali eninzi ku-X. Masikhangele enye indlela yokunceda”
• "Kufuneka sijonge kwiinkcukacha ze-mortgage kwaye sithathe isigqibo sokuba ngubani ohlawulela ntoni"
• "Ndingathanda ukugcina iakhawunti yam yobuqu isebenza kwaye ndingafumani umvuzo wam kwiakhawunti yethu edibeneyo"

4. Imida yobukrelekrele

Imizekelo yemida enempilo kubudlelwane akuphelelanga nje kwimiba yomzimba/yemali. Kukwabalulekile ukuseta imida yobukrelekrele kunye nengqondo ukuze ukwazi ukukhangela iimbono ezahlukeneyo kunye nokwahluka kwezimvo ngobuchule. Ngokungabikho kwemida eyomeleleyo, kwanamazwi abonakala engakhathali kodwa azithobileyo kwiingcamango zakho anokwanela ukuvusa ingxoxo.

Kwangaxeshanye, ukuleyibhela izihloko ezithile njengendawo yokungahambeki kunokukhokelela kuxinzelelo oluphantsi kuguquko lwakho. Kufuneka nibeke imida yobukrelekrele ngobuchule, nilinganisele phakathi kokungasikelwa umda izinto eninokuthetha ngazo nobabini nokuhlonela imilinganiselo neembono zomnye.

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Imizekelo yemida yengqondo kubudlelwane

Imida yobukrelekrele ikunceda ukuba ujonge indawo ebambekayo yeeyantlukwano ngobuchule, ngaphandle kokubavumela ukuba bathathe inxaxheba kubudlelwane bakho. Nantsi eminye imizekelo yendlela yokumisela imida yobukrelekrele:

• Ndiyazi ukuba asivumelani ngalo mbandela, kodwa akwenzi kulunge ukuba undijongele phantsi”
• “Asingeni ndawo kwiingxoxo zethu ngalo mba. Masiwubeke ecaleni okwangoku”
• “Ewe, kufuneka sithethe ngale nto kodwa itafile asiyondawo ilungileyo kuyo”
• “Masivume ukungavumelani”
• "Ngamnye kubo"

5. Imida yeemvakalelo

Iimvakalelo zingundoqo kubudlelwane bothando, enye ayinakho ukubakho ngaphandle komnye. Kukwayinyani ngokulinganayo ukuba wonke umntu unendlela eyahlukileyo yokujongana neemvakalelo. Ukumisela imida yeemvakalelo kubudlelwane bakho kukunceda ukuba usebenze kuyo nayiphi na impazamo kwindlela yakho yokujongana nokuvakalisa iimvakalelo zakho, ngaphandle kokwenzakala, ukubhideka, okanye ukongamela. Oku kubaluleke ngakumbi xa kudlalwa iimvakalelo ezingakhiyo.

Imida enempilo kubudlelwane ikuvumela ukuba ubone apho iqabane lakho livela khona okanye ukuba likwindawo efanelekileyo yokukuxhasa xa uxakeke ngokweemvakalelo malunga nento. Ukukwazi ukuqonda i ukulahlwa ngokweemvakalelo Umahluko wokwabelana ngokweemvakalelo ngumgangatho onqabileyo onokumisela ubudlelwane bakho ukuze uphumelele. Kwaye ukumisela imida yobuqu ngokujonga iingcinga, iimvakalelo, kunye neemvakalelo zakho linyathelo elibalulekileyo kweli cala.

"Ukuba semngciphekweni ngokwasemphefumlweni omnye komnye yinto ebalulekileyo kuyo nayiphi na intsebenziswano yothando, yiyo loo nto iphakathi kweyona mida ibalulekileyo yokumisela kubudlelwane. Iimbono zokuba sesichengeni zinokwahluka kakhulu kubantu abohlukeneyo kwaye udinga iqabane lakho ukuba libe ngumdibanisi kwaye lingabi ngumceli mngeni wokuqonda kwakho ukusondelana ngokweemvakalelo kunye nokuba sesichengeni. Ngokucacileyo, intsebenziswano inokuthi ichaze ngokucacileyo intsebenziswano ngokweemvakalelo.

Imizekelo yemida yeemvakalelo kubudlelwane

Imida yeemvakalelo imalunga nokuqinisekisa iimvakalelo zomnye nokuphatha naluphi na ulwazi lweemvakalelo ngentlonipho nenkathalo. Nantsi imizekelo embalwa yemida yeemvakalelo kubudlelwane:

• “Indlela endiziva ndigxekwa ngayo indenza ndifune ukuvala umlomo”
• Ndiyakwazi ukukuxelela indlela endivakalelwa ngayo kuphela xa ndisamkelwa ngembeko”
• Kufuneka ndithethe ngezinto ezithile ngoku. Ngaba ukwindawo yokuphulaphula?”
• “Ndiyaxolisa ngokuba kunzima, kodwa andikho kwindawo yokuphulaphula ngoku”
• Le ncoko indenza ndingakhululeki. Ngaba singaphinda siyityelele ngelinye ixesha?”

6. Imida yexesha

Kutheni ixesha libonisa kolu luhlu lwemida yobudlelwane, unokuzibuza. Ewe, ngenxa yokuba amaxesha amaninzi, ukuziva usonganyelwe kubudlelwane yenye yeempawu zokuphulwa kwemida yakho kwaye ixesha lakho alihlonitshwa. Oku kunokukhokelela ekubeni ukucaphuka kubudlelwane, nto leyo enokonakalisa kakhulu ubuhlobo bakho neqabane lakho.

Ubudlelwane obuphilileyo buxhomekeke kwibhalansi phakathi kwexesha elisemgangathweni enilichitha kunye kunye nexesha olithathayo lokuzikhathalela kunye nokunyamekela iimfuno zakho zomntu ngamnye. UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Xa izibini zifuna unyango ngenxa yokuba amaqabane engakwazi ukuchitha ixesha kunye, ngokuqhelekileyo ndisebenzisa isabelo ‘seyure engunothi.’ Le ngcamango ilula: ukwenza umgudu wokuchitha ixesha kunye neqabane likabani.” Noko ke, esi senzo silula sikwabonisa uthando, intlonelo, isidima novelwano.”

Imizekelo yemida yexesha kubudlelwane

Ukuseta imida yexesha kubilisa ekukhumbuleni izinto ezimbini - unobomi obungaphandle kobudlelwane bakho kwaye kufuneka uchithe ixesha kunye njengesibini. Ngokuhambelana nale paradigm, nantsi imizekelo embalwa yemida enempilo kubudlelwane malunga nexesha:

• “Andikwazi ukukukhapha siye kuloo msitho kule mpelaveki”
• “Ndinezicwangciso nabahlobo bam”
• “Unalo ixesha lokuthetha?”
• “Masicwangcise ubusuku beveki”
• “Ukucima umabonwakude emva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa kuya kusinika ixesha lokunxibelelana nabanye. Uvakalelwa njani ngako oko?”

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7. Imida elindelweyo

Imida ekulindelweyo kufuneka iqwalaselwe kwangoko kangangoko. Ukuba nolindelo oluphezulu, olungekho ngqiqweni lungapela intshabalalo kubudlelwane bakho, ngakumbi ukuba abufanelanga. Ukuba awenzi njalo lawula okulindelweyo kubudlelwane, kunokukhokelela ekunganelisekini nasekuxambulisaneni. Kwelinye icala, incoko malunga nento onokuthi uyinike kwaye ongakwaziyo ukuyinikela inokunciphisa ukuphoxeka kwaye ikunike ingcaciso malunga nento onokuyilindela kwiqabane/ubudlelwane bakho.

Ukuthetha ngento enokwenzeka, ukuba niza kunxibelelana kaninzi kangakanani, niza kufumaneka kangakanani, kwaye ngubani na owenza isigqibo malunga nokuba yintoni eniyiodolayo ngesidlo sangokuhlwa yimida elungileyo yokuseta kubudlelwane. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, awufuni ukubanjwa kwi-loop engapheliyo ethi "Ndizakuba nantoni na oyifunayo, kodwa hayi loo nto".

Imizekelo yemida elindelekileyo

Ulindelo olungahambelaniyo lunokuba ngumhlaba wokuzala kokungabinabubele ngokweemvakalelo kunye nobutshaba phakathi kwamaqabane. Yiyo loo nto kubalulekile ukwazi indlela yokubeka imida yolindelo ngokusengqiqweni. Nantsi imizekelo embalwa:

• “Nangona ndingalindelanga ukuba soze silwe, ndingathanda ukuba siyisombulule loo milo ngokuqolileyo”
• “Ndilindele ukuba iqabane lam linyaniseke kwaye linyaniseke”
• “Sobabini siza kuzenza iimpazamo endleleni, kwaye kulungile”
• "Ulindele ntoni kolu budlelwane?"
• "Kufuneka sidibane kangaphi kwaye sinxibelelane?"
• “Ukuhloniphana kulwalamano akuyonto ithethwayo kum”

Indlela yokubeka imida kubudlelwane

Njengoko besisithi lonke ixesha, imida enempilo ibalulekile kwi ubudlelwane obonwabisayo nobuhlala ixesha elide. Iindidi zemida kubudlelwane esixoxe ngazo namhlanje zinokuhamba indlela ende ekwandiseni ukuzithemba, ukuzixabisa, kunye nemvakalelo yokuba ngamaqabane. Bakunceda ugcine indawo yakho yobuqu, inkululeko, kunye nomntu ngamnye, ngelixa ekuvumela ukuba uhloniphe iqabane lakho.

Nangona kunjalo, nokuba uchaza imida yobudlelwane obutsha okanye uphonononga kwakhona imiqathango yokuzibandakanya kubudlelwane obuqhubekayo, ukubeka izakhono zakho kunye nezithintelo kwitafile kuphela linyathelo lokuqala kwinkqubo. Naliphi na inani lemizekelo yemida kubudlelwane ayizukwenza nto ukuba uyasilela ukuyinyanzelisa. Nazi ezinye iindlela zokwenza:

• Yazisa imida kwangethuba kubudlelwane – yintoni eyamkelekileyo nengamkelekanga, imikhwa, imikhuba, njl.njl.
• Indlela yokubeka imida kubudlelwane ngaphandle kokulawula kwaye uyinyanzelise ngenkuthalo? Unxibelelwano lungundoqo. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba incoko ayimnandi kangakanani na, musa ukuyibaleka. Kunoko, wusingatheni lo mbandela ngentlonelo nangovelwano
• Thembeka ngokukhohlakeleyo malunga neemfuno zakho, kunye nentuthuzelo. Asikokuzingca ukubeka impilo-ntle yakho kuqala
• Khangela indlela oza kujongana ngayo neqabane lakho liphule umda wakho, okanye wena owabo
• Mamela iimfuno zeqabane lakho ngokunjalo, musa ukulungisa impilo-ntle yakho wedwa. Yazi into abakhululekile ngayo kunye nento abangayi kuyinyamezela
• Ungalibazisi ukucela indawo xa uyidinga

Ukumisela imida kuthetha ukuba uyakuqonda ukubaluleka kwendawo kunye nesazisi somnye nomnye, kwaye luphawu ukuhloniphana kubudlelwane. Ukuziqinisekisa kunye nokubeka iimfuno kunye nezithintelo zakho ngaphandle kunokuba nzima ekuqaleni, kodwa ukuwela loo bhulorho kukubeka endleleni eya ekwakheni ubudlelwane obuphilileyo, ngaphandle kokudelela, ukugxeka, kunye nenzondo. Loo nto yenza kube luhambo olufanele ukuthatyathwa.

Eli nqaku lihlaziywe ngo-Epreli ka-2023.

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