Uva ngayo kubahlobo uze ufunde ngayo kwi-intanethi, kodwa xa uhlangabezana nokungathembeki ngokwakho, awukwazi ukuzibamba ngokungathi uvuthulule umoya kwiiseyile zakho, ukushiya ungakulungele ukujongana nako. Umsindo kunye nokukhathazeka kuya kukushiya uphelelwe ngamandla ukuba ucinge inyathelo elilandelayo. Ngaphezu koko, ukuziphatha kwamaqabane akho emva kokubanjwa ukukopela yinto ongenakuze uyilungiselele, kungakhathaliseki ukuba uhlalutya kangakanani yonke into.
Kusenokubonakala ngathi ekugqibeleni unemibuzo emininzi kuneempendulo kwaye ujongane neqabane lakho ngelixa ukwimeko yengqondo engqubanayo ayinamathuba aphezulu okuba nesiqhamo.
Ukuzama ukukunceda uqonde into onokuthi uyilindele kwi-SO yakho yokunganyaniseki kunye nezinto ekufuneka uzenze ngoku, sizise ingcali yezengqondo. Kavita Panyam, (IiMasters kwiPsychology kunye nabamanye amazwe kunye ne-American Psychological Association), oye wanceda izibini ukuba zisebenze ngemiba yazo yobudlelwane iminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amabini.
Iinguqu ezi-5 zokuziphatha ezilindelekileyo kwiqabane lakho emva kokuba ubanjwe ukukopela
Isiqulatho
UKavita uthi: “Unokulindela ukuba iqabane lakho liphendule ngokugqith’ emgceni.
Baziva njani abantu abaqhathayo ngabo? Unokwazi njani ukuba bazisola ngokwenene okanye babeka i-facade ngelinge lokuzama ukuba bangaphulukani nento abaye bayenza kunye nawe? Ukukunceda uqonde into onokuyilindela, makhe sijonge indlela eliziphethe ngayo iqabane lakho emva kokuba libanjwe liqhatha.
1. Ukucekisa ityala
Njengesiqhelo phantse kuyo nayiphi na imeko yokungathembeki, unokulindela ukuba iqabane lakho lizame ukutyhola xa sele ujongana nabo malunga nento abayenzileyo.
“Usenokufumanisa betyhola omnye umntu, bezama ukwenza nantoni na ukuze bangabonakali njengalowo wenze isiphoso.” Iqabane lakho linokuthetha izinto ezinjengokuthi, “Bendingazi ukuba iza kwenzeka”, okanye, “Kwakungesiquphe”, “Andizange ndikucwangcise oko”, “Ndandisele kakhulu”, “omnye umntu uye weza ngamandla kakhulu, ndandingakwazi ukuthi hayi,” utsho uKavita.
Ezi zizinto ezimbalwa eziqhelekileyo ezithethwa ngabaqhatha xa betyholwa. Nokuba ucinga ukuba iqabane lakho aliyi kuzama ukujikisa ityala, qiniseka ukuba uye kuye ngobungqina obuninzi. Awunakuqikelela ngokwenene ukuba umntu uya kusabela njani xa ejamelene nesityholo esifana nesi.
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2. Esinye isiphelo sespectrum: Ukucenga uxolelo & overcompensation
Enye enye eqhelekileyo izinto abaqhatha bathi kwaye ukwenza emva kokubanjwa kukubongoza ukuxolelwa. Unokubabona benovakalelo olugqithisileyo, bekhala ukubonisa ukuzisola kwabo nokuba okwangoku abanqotshwa yimvakalelo. Ngubani ongenise ingwenya?
3. Banokuzijika iitafile
Njengesixhobo esiqhelekileyo sokumelana, unokulindela ukuba umqhathi ajike iitafile kwaye abeke ukukhanya kuwe.
“Xa zonke ezinye izinto zisilela, unokulindela ukuba bakugxeke kakhulu.” Baza kutyhola wena, begxeka yonke incoko onayo nomntu wesini esahlukileyo. Bafuna ukuqinisekisa ukuba uphelela kwindawo exineneyo,” utshilo uKavita.
4. Isixhobo esithandwayo se-narcissist: Ukukhanyisa igesi
Ukuba ujongene ne-narcissist, banokukhetha ukuxhatshazwa ngokweemvakalelo ngendlela yokukhanyisa igesi. Ngaphandle kokugcina ingcinga malunga nokuba ukonakalisa kangakanani ukukhanya kwegesi kuwe, baya kuthatha nayiphi na indlela eyimfuneko yokuzama ukuzikhupha kulo mngxuma.
UKavita uthi: “Iqabane lakho lisenokuzama ukukucaphukisa lize lithethe izinto ezinjengokuthi, “Uzicingela ngokugqithiseleyo, kufuneka uye kubona ugqirha”, okanye, “Ngenxa yokungakhathali kwakho, uzenze waphambana.” Baza kukwenza ukholelwe ukuba kukho undonakele kuwe,” utsho uKavita.
Kuzo zonke izinto abaqhatha abazithethayo xa betyholwa, ukuba iqabane lakho ligqibe ekubeni lithembele kumabinzana e-gaslighting ukuzama ukuwakhulula kulo naliphi na ityala, yiflegi enkulu ebomvu ekufuneka uyijonge.
5. Intlungu kunye nokudakumba
Kwakhona kunokwenzeka ukuba iqabane lakho liya koyiswa ubutyala bakhohlisi, yaye inqanaba lesine lentlungu liya kubafikela. Ingakumbi xa iqabane lakho inguye ovumayo kuwe, unokulindela ukuba badlule kwixesha losizi.
Xa umntu oqhathayo engabonakalisi kuzisola, kusoloko kungunobangela wokuxhalaba. Kodwa ukunikezela kwimiba yempilo yengqondo njengokudakumba kuya kwenzakalisa iqabane lakho ngokukhawuleza. Ukuba indlela abaziphatha ngayo emva kokubanjwa beqhatha iye yazixhaphaza kakhulu kwaye iyadandatheka, kufuneka bafumane unyango ngoko nangoko.
Ngoko, ivakalelwa njani indoda emva kokuba ibanjwe iqhatha? Okanye nokuba ngumfazi, ngaloo nto? Njengoko unokuxelela ngoku, kuxhomekeke kakhulu kwindlela abanjani ngayo njengomntu. Kukwaxhomekeke kwindlela ojongana ngayo nabo, kwaye kanye nokuba ubatyhola ngantoni.
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Nje ukuba unyamezele isaqhwithi sokuqala kwaye ukwazi ukujongana nokuphazamiseka kweemvakalelo oye wazifumana, ngoku lixesha lokuqonda ukuba wenze ntoni ngalo. Ingqondo yakho ebuhlungu kwaye enomsindo inokuba neengcinga ezimbalwa ezingendawo ezijikelezayo, kodwa uyazi ukuba ezo aziyi kukwenzela nto.
Ukuziphatha amaqabane akho emva kokuba ukubanjwa ukukopela kusenokwenzeka ukuba yayisuka i-narcissistic gaslighting ukuhlawulela ngaphezulu. Amanyathelo ekufuneka uwathathele, nangona kunjalo, abaluleke kakhulu.
U-Kavita usixelela konke ekufuneka siyazi malunga nento ekufuneka uyenzile emva kokuba udlule kwimeko engathandekiyo yokufumana ukunganyaniseki kumandla akho.
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1. Zola
Izinto zokuqala kuqala, zama ukuzola ngaphambi kokuba uthathe inyathelo elilandelayo. UKavita uthi: “Xa izinto zishushu, xa uzilungiselela ukuhamba ngenqwelo-moya okanye ukulwa, awukwazi ukucinga kakuhle.
Kusenokubonakala ngathi sisigidi seengcinga ezibalekayo engqondweni yakho, kodwa kwangaxeshanye, akukho nto uyilungisa kakuhle. Khumbula ukuba kusenokwenzeka ukuba usahamba phakathi kokukhanyela kunye nomsindo wokujongana nentlungu.
UKavita uthi: “Kamva, xa ingqondo izolile, bhala phantsi nantoni na obuyicinga ngale meko.Kukangaphi uye wavakalelwa kukuba yonke into iphelile?
2. Ncokola nawe
Sizibonile zonke izinto abaqhatha abazithethayo nabazenzayo, ngoku lixesha lokuba uhlalutye into oyicingayo kwaye uyithethayo. UKavita ushwankathela yonke imibuzo ekufuneka uzibuze yona ngeli xesha lokuzama:
“Yenza uludwe lwezinto eziluncedo nezingeloncedo. Ngaba ulwalamano lufanele luqhubeke? Zibuze yonke imibuzo enzima ekufuneka uyiphendule. mxolele iqabane lakho? Ngaba unokuhlala nabo uze ube nolwalamano olusenyongweni nabo? Ngaba uya kukwazi ukubathemba emva koku?
“Kwenzeka ntoni xa uhlala nabo ngoku?
3. Fumana ezantsi kwesizathu sokuba kwenzeke oko
Nangona isenokubonakala ngathi yinto yokugqibela ofuna ukuyenza, ukuba ufuna ukuguquguquka kwakho kube nalo naliphi na ithuba lokusinda, kufuneka uzame ukufumanisa ukuba yintoni ebangele ukuba esi siganeko senzeke kwasekuqaleni.
"Zama ukufumanisa ukuba ujike amehlo kwiiflegi ezibomvu kubudlelwane bakho. Ngaba ufumene abafowunelwa abangaziwayo kwifowuni yeqabane lakho? Ngaba wakha waphawula ukuba baphuma endlwini phantsi kweengcamango ezikrokrelayo? Ngaba kukho iingxabano ezingasonjululwanga kunye nokulwa okungahoywayo okunokubangela ukukopela? Yenza uluhlu lweeflegi ezibomvu onokuthi uzityeshele, kwaye banokubonisa ukuba kutheni uKavita eyenzeka.
4. Musa ukuhamba wedwa
Nangona ingumntu omnye kuphela okungcatshileyo, usenokuziva ulilolo kakhulu. Kungabonakala kunzima kakhulu ukufikelela kuncedo kwaye ukuba unengxaki yengcinga ezidakumbisayo, kunokwenzeka ukuba ungade ugqibe ukulandula uncedo oluvela kubantu obathandayo.
Enye yezona zinto zibalulekileyo onokuthi uzenze, nangona kunjalo, kukufumana inkxaso. “KUFUNEKA ufune abahlobo abakuxhasayo okanye iqela lenkxaso ukuze likuncede udlule kule nto,” utsho uKavita.
“Umhlobo unokukunceda ukuba ulawule iimvakalelo zakho. Ngokuncokola nabo okanye uthule nabo. Ukwazi nje ukuba unenkxaso kuhambo lwakho kuya kukwenza uzive wonwabile,” uyongezelela.
Kunokuba ugxininise kwindlela abaqhatha abavakalelwa ngayo ngabo, gxininisa ekufumaneni inkxaso. Ukuzama ukuhamba wedwa kuya kuphela ukwenza izinto zibe rhabaxa. Ukubheja kwakho kukufikelela kubahlobo kunye nabantu abakukhathaleleyo.
5. Thetha neqabane lakho
Mhlawumbi eyona nto ibalulekileyo onokuyenza kukuqonda njani uya ku nxibelelana neqabane lakho nento oya kuyithetha kubo. UKavita usixelela ukuba kutheni ithoni yelizwi lakho kunye nento oyithethayo ibaluleke kangaka:
"Yazisa iqabane lakho ukuba ufuna ukuthetha nalo, ngethoni engathathi hlangothi kunye nethambileyo. Musa ukuba nomsindo okanye usole iqabane lakho kwangoko. Kulapho ke uya kufumana ithuba lokuthetha. Jonga ixesha elifanelekileyo xa iimvakalelo zingekho phezulu kwaye uzame ukuthetha nabo.
“Kubalulekile ukuba nencoko ibe kwindawo exhasayo nekhuselekileyo.” Kwanokuba akuzange ukhe uxhatshazwe ngaphambili, musa ukuyivumela incoko iqhubeke apho kunokuqhubeka khona izinto ezinjengokuxhatshazwa ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ngokweemvakalelo.”
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6. Qalisa inkqubo yokuphilisa
Xa uchitha ixesha lakho ugxile ekuziphatheni kweqabane lakho emva kokuba ubanjwe ukukopela, kunokwenzeka ukuba unokulibazisa ukuqala inkqubo yakho yokuphilisa. Njengazo zonke ezinye iingxaki ebomini bakho, intlungu kunye nokwenzakala, xa zishiywe zingajongwanga, ziya kuba mbi ngakumbi.
"Khangela kwi-resort ye-wellness, ukuba kuyimfuneko, ukucubungula iimvakalelo zakho. Ziqhelise ukucinga okanye ukucamngca, okanye uzame ukuthatha izinto ezifana ne-yoga okanye i-tai chi, nantoni na eya kukunceda ukujongana nentlungu," kusho uKavita.
Ukufumana iividiyo ezingakumbi zengcali nceda ubhalise kwisiteshi sethu seYouTube. Cofa apha.
7. Qala ukwakha kwakhona ukuthembana kubudlelwane bakho
Ukuba ugqiba ekubeni unike ubudlelwane bakho elinye ithuba, ukuvuselela ukuthembana emva kokungathembeki kufuneka ithathe indawo ephambili. Ukuba unexhala malunga iqabane lakho nangoku ukukopela emva kokuba ebanjwe, bazise malunga namathandabuzo kunye neemvakalelo zakho, kwaye uthethe phandle.
Okukhona unxibelelana ngakumbi, kokukhona uya kukwazi ukusebenza kule nxaki kwaye ekugqibeleni uye phambili. Ukwakha kwakhona ukuthembana ngumsebenzi ongenakwenza wedwa. Ukuqonda iimfuno zomnye phantse yinto efunekayo.
Ekupheleni kosuku, indlela iqabane lakho elisabela ngayo ekubanjweni ukukopela kuya kukuxelela okuninzi okufuneka ukwazi malunga nekamva lokutshintsha kwakho. Nokuba awukakulungeli ukukuyeka, xa ubona iqabane lakho lizama ukukukhanyisa, kufuneka uvume ukuba kunzima ukuqonda ukuba ubudlelwane buyingozi.
Ngoku ekubeni unombono ongcono wezinto ezithethwa nabazenzayo abaqhatha, siyathemba ukuba unombono ongcono wokujongana neemvakalelo zakho.
Yintoni omawuyenze xa uqhatha umntu omthandayo-iingcebiso ezili-12 eziluncedo yiNgcali
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
