"Intlungu ikwenza womelele, uloyiko lukwenza ube nesibindi, kwaye intliziyo ebuhlungu ikwenza ube nobulumko" -Ongaziwayo. Nabani na othe oku usishiye ngeengcebiso eziphilileyo ezingapheliyo ezinokuthi zifumane enye kwiintsuku zabo ezimbi emva kobuhlungu obukhulu bentliziyo. Ewe, ukuqonda ukuba konke kuphelile phakathi kwakho nomntu obumthanda ngentliziyo yakho yonke kubuhlungu kakhulu. Kubi kakhulu, ukuba kuvakala ngathi sisiphelo sehlabathi. Kodwa yazi ukuba, asiyiyo yonke into elahlekileyo. Ke yeka ukuskrola kwiprofayile yabo yemidiya yoluntu kwaye uzive uzisola. Namhlanje, unokufunda into omawuyenze emva kokwahlukana.
Sebenzisa eli cebiso ukuze uqalise uhambo lwakho lwasemva kwentliziyo, kwaye uqhubele phambili ubheka phezulu. Siyayifumana. Xa umntu obumthanda nomthembileyo ekophula intliziyo yakho, akusekho nto ivakalayo. Uchitha iintsuku zakho uzama ukuzalisa isithuba seemvakalelo ngokutya, ukhalela amehlo akho, ubukele iimuvi obuzibukela kunye, kwaye wenze nantoni na ngaphandle kokuzama ukuqhubela phambili nobomi bakho.
Enyanisweni, ukwenza amadinga emva kokwahlukana kusenokubonakala ngathi yinto yokugqibela ofuna ukuyenza. Ukuqala ngobunzima obunye ubudlelwane, uvulele omnye umntu, kodwa intliziyo yakho iphinde yanyathela kwakhona? Hayi enkosi, mhlekazi. Kodwa, nyaniseka kuwe. Laa mfo/intombazana osandul' ukudibana nayo ibonakala intle, akunjalo? Ukuba usecingweni kwaye awuqinisekanga ngokupheleleyo ngento omawuyenze ngokulandelayo, ungakhathazeki. Shazia Saleem (IiMasters in Psychology), oyincutshe kukwahlukana kunye nokucebisana ngoqhawulo-mtshato, ulapha ukuze akuncede ufumane indlela eya phambili.
Ukufumana Njani Ukwahlukana?
Isiqulatho
Abanye baphuhlisa intliziyo yelitye emva kokwahlukana okubi kwaye abaninzi abafuni ukuhamba nge-rigmarole yokufumana umntu omtsha kunye nokuthandana kwakhona. Usenokude uqalise ukucinga ukuba umdlalo wonke wobudlelwane awukho kuwe kwaye ulahlekelwe lithemba. Ngelixa abanye baqhele ukuba kubudlelwane ukuze batsibe ukuthandana inyanga emva kokuqhawula ngaphandle kokuqwalasela imiphumo. Ewe, ubudlelwane obuphindiweyo. Ezo ngokwenene azipheli kakuhle.
Ke yintoni onokuyenza ukuze uqiniseke ukuba awujingi nokuba ugqithise xa ukonga intliziyo eyaphukileyo? U-Shazia uyachaza, "Ukuze uphumelele ukwahlukana kwaye uqalise ukuthandana kwakhona, kufuneka uqale uhlolisise. Abanye abantu bathatha ixesha elide ukuphilisa, kwabanye kulula kakhulu. Kodwa ukuba uziva ukulungele, ngokuqinisekileyo unokuqhubeka kwaye uvule ithuba lokuba unokuphinda ufumane uthando. Logama nje uqinisekile ngalo mntu omtsha, yonke into iya kulunga. Kodwa okokuqala, gxininisa ekuphiliseni kwakho."
Ubudlelwane obubi yinxalenye eyimfuneko yobomi ekufundisa okuninzi malunga nento oyifunayo kwixesha elizayo. Ufuna nje iingcebiso ezimbalwa zokukunceda ukuba uhambe endleleni yakho. Yiloo nto kanye ulapha. Makhe singene ngqo kwindlela omawuhambe ngayo malunga nesigaba sakho sasemva kokwahlukana. Zeziphi ezinye izinto ongafanele uzenze emva kokwahlukana, kwaye yintoni ekufuneka uyenzile ngokupheleleyo.
Yintoni omawuyenze emva kokwahlukana ukuze uqhubele phambili? Amanyathelo ali-9 ekufuneka uwalandele
Ke, ngawaphi amanyathelo alandelayo okwahlukana neengcinga ezibuhlungu kwaye uzibeke kuhambo lokuzithanda nokuphilisa? Okokuqala, qonda ukuba kulula kakhulu ukuba uzive uzisola emva kokwahlukana. Ukubuyela kuthando emva kokwahlukana kunokuba nzima. Kuyinto eqhelekileyo ngokupheleleyo ukuba awuziva uthanda ukuthandana kwinyanga emva kokwahlukana. Ngapha koko, abantu abaninzi bayayivala imbono yokuzibeka apho okwethutyana kwaye bagxile kubo okanye kwimisebenzi yabo. Leyo yindlela entle yokunceda ukuchacha kwakho emva kokwahlukana.
Inkqubo yokuhamba eqongeni iza kucotha. Kodwa uya kwenza inkqubela encinci yonke imihla ukuba wenza umzamo wokufumana indlela yokwahlukana. Ekugqibeleni iya kuphuma kwintlungu ekubetha rhoqo kusasa ukuya kwimvakalelo encinci ye-numbing enokuthi ifike ngendlela yakho rhoqo. Ivakala imbi kakhulu, kodwa iba ngcono.
Xa uzifumana uchulumancile yingcamango yobudlelwane obutsha okanye umhla wokuqala emva kokwahlukana endaweni yokuhlala ucinga nge-ex yakho, unokuba ulungile. Kungekudala okanye kamva, uya kudibana nomntu ongeke abonakale engalunganga, nokuba kukusebenzisa i-app yokuthandana, indibano yentlalontle, okanye ngomhlobo odlala i-matchmaker ngexesha labo lokukhululeka. Ezo zinto zifana ngazo kukuba kufuneka uzibeke phaya. Ukuze ukwazi ukwenza oko, kufuneka uqonde into omawuyenze emva kokwahlukana ukuze uqhubeke. Nazi izicwangciso ezili-9 ezixhaswa yingcaphephe ezinokunceda:
1. Zilungise!
Hayi, ubomi bokwenyani ayisiyongoma yeColdplay. Akukho mntu uza “kukulungisa”. Ungavumeli imidiya yoluntu ikukhohlise. Kwabanye, kusenokuhenda ukuqalisa ukuthandana nomntu kanye emva kokuba uqalise ukwahlukana kodwa yindlela nje yokubaleka intlungu. Kwaye xa usenza oko, izinto ziye ziwohloke ekugqibeleni. Ukuthandana ngoko nangoko emva kokwahlukana akukaze kube ngumbono olungileyo.
Sebenzisa ixesha emva kokwahlukana ukuze ufunde izinto ezimbalwa malunga nawe. Kungcono ukuthatha ixesha lakho ukuqhubela phambili (akunamsebenzi ukuba uthatha ixesha elingakanani, ayilogqatso olufunayo ukuba uphumelele). Nje ukuba ulwe neemvakalelo zakho, okuninzi kunobomi bakho bokuthandana buza kuba ngcono kakhulu. Ngoku masidlulele kumanyathelo alandelayo.
2. Funda kwizinto ezidlulileyo
Ex yakho yi ex yakho ngesizathu. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba zingaphi iintlungu emva kokwahlukana zikwenza uzive ngathi ihlabathi lakho lonke, endaweni yokuvumela i-nostalgia ihlambe, gxila kwinto ebangele ukuba wena kunye neqabane lakho nihlukane kwaye ukuba imiba efanayo iye yachaphazela ezinye ubudlelwane bakho kwixesha elidlulileyo. Ungaphela nje ufumane ipateni kwindlela oziphethe ngayo kubudlelwane okanye uhlobo lwabantu otsaleleke kubo.
Nje ukuba uqonde ukuba kutheni ubudlelwane bakho obudlulileyo khange busebenze, ukuthandana emva kokwahlukana kuya kuba lula kuba uya kuyazi into ekufuneka uyenzile. Qinisekisa ukuba wenza ezi zinto phambi kokuba uzibeke phaya kwakhona, ingakumbi ukuba ucinga ukuthandana emva kobudlelwane bexesha elide. Ke ewe, ukuhlalutya ixesha elidlulileyo lakho naziphi iipateni ngokwenene yenye ye izinto ezintle onokuthi uzenze emva kokwahlukana.
UMarie, ugqirha wengqondo waseHouston, wayenobunzima bokwahlukana nesithandwa sakhe sexesha elide uRay. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba yintoni na, emva kokwahlukana, akazange akwazi ukubeka imida kunye naye kwaye bobabini babesoloko bephuma bephuma kubomi bomnye nomnye. Oku de uMarie wahlala phantsi ngenye imini, waza wazama ukufumanisa isizathu sokuba izinto zibe nzima kangaka ngoRay. “Andiqondi ukuba uRay ngumntu ombi. Ungumntu ombi kum. Ndithanda ukuwela kumadoda achasene nam ngokupheleleyo, kwaye asoloko ebuya endiluma,” wasixelela.
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3. Hlalutya into oyifunayo ngokulandelayo
Siyafunga eli linyathelo lokugqibela lokucinga ekufuneka ulithathe. Ikwayimpendulo ku: ixesha elingakanani emva kobudlelwane bexesha elide kufuneka ulinde ukuya kuthi ga ngoku? Lindela ude ucinge ukuba yintoni onokuyifuna ngokulandelayo. Ukuba uvumela iimpembelelo zakho ukuba zithathe isigqibo, unokuba ufunda eli nqaku kwakhona emva kweenyanga ezi-3. Ukuthandana ngokukhawuleza emva kokwahlukana kunokubonakala kunomtsalane kodwa kufuneka unyathele ngenyameko.
Kulungile ngokupheleleyo ukuba ungafuni ukuthandana emva kokwahlukana. Kulungile ukuba uziphose emsebenzini wakho. Kulungile ukuba ufuna nje ukungqongwa ngabahlobo kunye nosapho okwethutyana, kungekho mathemba okuthandana. Thatha ikhefu kwi ex yakho. Kholelwa kwi amandla okuthula emva kokwahlukana, kwaye ubone indlela eya kukwenza ube ngcono ngayo. Ukuziqhelanisa kunye nokuhlala uxakekile kuya kukuthintela ukuba ungene kwi-spiral of negativity kwaye kukuyekise ukwenza into egqithisileyo emva kokwahlukana.
4. Musa ukoyika ukuzama into entsha ukuze uzive ungcono
Ubudlelwane bunokwenza abantu baqikeleleke, mhlawumbi bade bangabikho. Indlela efanayo iziva ilungile kodwa ikushiya usokola ekusebenzeni xa ubudlelwane buphela. Indlela yokuqhubela phambili emva kokuhlukana xa usathandana, uyabuza? Ewe, zixakekise ngezinto ezintsha kunye nemisebenzi kangangoko unakho.
Kulungile ukuba usamthanda kwaye ukhumbula ex yakho, kuyinto yendalo ngokupheleleyo. Kodwa ungakuvumeli ukuba kukuyekise ukukhangela izinto ezintsha kwaye uzame hlanganisani ubomi benu. Nxibelelana ngakumbi. Yiya kula matheko ungazange wawaqhelanga, joyina iklabhu yeencwadi, dibana nabazala bakho okanye amalungu osapho obusoloko uwaphepha. Ukuhamba ngaloo mhla wokuqala emva kokwahlukana kunokubonakala kunzima ngoko qalisa encinci kwaye udibanise nje. Xa ukhulisa i-horizon yakho, amathuba amaninzi aya kuza ngendlela yakho. Mhlawumbi isithandwa esitsha kwakhona! Okanye mhlawumbi akunjalo, oko kulungile.
5. Buyela phaya ukuze uye phambili
Ukuthandana emva kokwahlukana kunokuba mnandi ngokwenene. Siyazi ukuba kusenzima nje ukudibana nomfana okanye intombazana entsha emva kokwahlukana kunye nokuqalisa incoko nabo kodwa kulapho ukuthandana apps kungena. Akuzange kube lula ukufumana amaqabane amatsha intanethi, ingakumbi xa uzama ukubuyisela ihashe kwaye uqale ukuthandana emva kobudlelwane bexesha elide. Ukuya kwindawo yokuthandana emva kokwahlukana kuya kuvusa zonke iintlobo zeemvakalelo. Okoko nje wena usebenzisa ukuthandana apps ngokuchanekileyo, uya kudlula imiqobo, ngokweemvakalelo nangobuchule.
Ngokusebenzisa ii-apps zokuthandana, uya kufumana abantu abaninzi abanomdla oya konwaba ukuncokola nabo. Uya kufumana uchulumanco lokufumana ithemba elitsha, uvalo, kunye nembuyekezo emva kokuba umbhalo wakho onobungozi ufumene impendulo encomekayo. Iyakwenza imimangaliso kukuzithemba kwakho, okunokuthi kube yimpumelelo emva kokwahlukana. Kwaye ukuba awuthandani neeapps, cela nje abahlobo bakho abasondeleyo ukuba bakusete nomntu opholileyo. Qiniseka nje ukuba awuqali ukukholelwa ukuba usemathandweni emva kokwahlukana kuba amathuba okuba yenzeke mancinci.
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6. Ukuqala njani ukuthandana kwakhona ngendlela enempilo? Musa ukuthelekisa!
Ukuba bekukho nakuphi na ukuthandana emva kwemithetho yokwahlukana, oku ngokuqinisekileyo kuya kuba kulungile phezulu kuluhlu. Ngoko sukuyithabatha lula le nto. Yinto eqhelekileyo ukuba uqale ukuthelekisa abantu abatsha ex yakho xa ukuthandana umntu kanye emva kokwahlukana. Ingakumbi ukuba ukhe waba ne Ukwahlukana ngokukhawuleza emva kobudlelwane bexesha elide, kunokuba nzima ukukhupha i-ex yakho engqondweni yakho kwaye ungakhumbuli malunga namaxesha amnandi kunye nabo. Kufuneka uhlale uzikhumbuza ukuba oko akuyi kusebenza nayiphi na injongo.
“Xa sele uyekile intlungu nomsindo ongaphakathi kuwe, eli nyathelo liya kuba lula, uzixolele kwaye ubaxolele ukuba ufuna ukuphila kakuhle emva kokwahlukana, xa kungekho nzondo awusoze ufune ukuthelekisa i-ex yakho nomntu ohleli naye ngoku, hlala uzikhumbuza ukuba abantu babini abafani.
Ukuthandana emva kobudlelwane bexesha elide sele kunzima, kodwa ngokuthelekisa, uya kwenza kube nzima ukuba ufumane iqabane elitsha, lonke elo xesha ubeka i-ex yakho kwi-pedestal engqondweni yakho. Funda ukugcina ingqondo evulekileyo, musa ukugweba abantu ngokukhawuleza, kwaye uhlale unethemba xa uzama ukuqhubela phambili.
7. Musa ukungazihoyi iiflegi ezibomvu
Yintoni omawuyenze emva kokwahlukana ukuze uqiniseke ukuba awuzifumani ukonga intliziyo eyaphukileyo kwakhona? Musa ukungazihoyi iiflegi ezibomvu kumathuba akho othando. Nokuba inye, musa ukuyibetha ngoyaba. Sukuzinza kuba ulilolo kwaye ulusizi. Ngoku uyazi ukuba yintoni ingxaki yakho abaphuli bobudlelwane zi, unokuba nombono wohlobo lwabantu ongadibaniyo nabo. Ukuthandana kwakhona emva kokwahlukana kuya kukugcina unemincili malunga neqabane elilandelayo elinokwenzeka, kodwa qiniseka ukuba awujiki amehlo kwizinto ezingahlali kakuhle ekulangazeleleni kwakho ukufumana isiqalo esitsha.
Ufuna ukuqhubela phambili kwaye ufumane umntu ohambelana ne-vibe yakho ngakumbi, ungabuyi ngasemva kwaye uzifumane kwisuphu. Iiflegi ezibomvu eziqhelekileyo zibandakanya nantoni na ukusuka ekubizeni umlindi ngokubetha umlozi ukuya kwi-sexism eqhelekileyo, ukungakhuli, ukuziva unelungelo, ukungafumaneki ngokweemvakalelo, utyekelo lokukhohlisa, ukudlala kushushu nokubanda, okanye ukuthumela imiqondiso edibeneyo. Ezi zimbalwa nje, kodwa kukho ezinye izintlu ezininzi ezinde onokufuna ukuzijonga.
8. Musa ukuthembela ngokukhawuleza, kodwa ungazigqumeli
Ngelixa ulapha phandle uzama ukuswayipha ekunene indlela yakho eya eluzukweni, qiniseka ukuba awuvumeli intabatheko ithathe indawo kwaye umthembe umntu wokuqala oza kuwe. Ukuthandana nomnye umntu emva kokwahlukana kukushiya unomdla wobudlelwane obuneziqhamo. Ngomdla wakho, ungalibali ukuthatha izinto kancinci. Khumbula into abayithethayo - kuphela izidenge ezingena ngaphakathi.
Kwelinye icala, utyekelo lokuyivalela ibhotile kuba usoyika ukuphinda wenzekaliswe nalo lunempembelelo embi. Uyazi ukuba zingakanani iingcali zengqondo zeklinikhi ziwucinezela umba wokucinezela iimvakalelo zakho, akunjalo? Uloyiko lokwaphuka kwentliziyo okulandelayo, abantu banokukufumana ngendlela emangalisayo kunzima ukuthemba nabani na kwakhona. Ukuthandana emva kokwahlukana kunokothusa, kodwa yingozi ekuya kufuneka uyithathe ukuba ngokwenene uqalise ukuthanda umntu omtsha. Yabelana ngeemvakalelo zakho kunye neqabane lakho kwaye uqinisekise ukuba abacingi ukuba uyabhodlela kuba awumthandi. Thetha ngeemvakalelo zakho.
UShazia uyacacisa, “Sonke singabantu kuphela.
9. Izinto ongazenziyo emva kokwahlukana: Ukuthetha nge-ex
Okokugqibela, siye safikelela kweyona ngongoma ibalulekileyo kwiingcebiso zethu malunga nento omawuyenze emva kokwahlukana. Kulungile, ngokuchanekileyo, yintoni ongamele uyenze, kule meko. Akukho nto imbi ngaphezu ukuthetha ex yakho ngomhla wokuqala nomnye umntu. Ukuphakama kunokuba kubi kakhulu kodwa uyayifumana ingongoma – ungathethi nge ex yakho.
Kuya kukhwela umhla wakho kuphela, ubenze bacinge ukuba awuzange uqhubele phambili kwaye awukalungeli nantoni na, ukuqinisekisa ukuba awufumani umnxeba womhla wesibini. Ngokuqinisekileyo oku kuthandana emva komgaqo wokwahlukana ongenakukwazi ukuwuqhawula. Ukuba uvakalelwa kukuba awukwazi ukuzinceda, mhlawumbi awukaqhubeki kwaye ufuna ixesha elingakumbi lokulila, ukuphilisa nokuchacha ngaphambi kokuba uqalise ukuthandana kwakhona.
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Ngoko, yintoni omele uyenze emva kokwahlukana? Ngaphambi kokuba uqalise ukuthandana kwakhona, qala ujonge indlela ovakalelwa ngayo. Thatha ixesha lokuba buhlungu kwaye ulungise ubudlelwane obuphulukene nabo. Qinisekisa ukuba uphilise ngaphambi kokujoyina i-app yokuthandana okanye ukudibana nabantu abatsha. Njengoko besitshilo ekuqaleni kweli nqaku, "... kwaye intliziyo ikwenza ube nobulumko". Awuqali phantsi kwasekuqaleni. Akusiyo i-rodeo yakho yokuqala. Unamava ngoku, uxhotyiswe ngobulumko emva kokwahlukana. Yisebenzise kakuhle.
Iimpawu eziphambili
- Ukuphilisa ngokweemvakalelo kuhlala kulinyathelo lokuqala lokuhamba. Qiniseka ukuba wenza konke okusemandleni ukunceda impilo yakho
- Musa ukuzifihla kwiqokobhe ixesha elide kwaye uzame ukubuyela phaya ukudibana nabantu abatsha
- Yeka ukuthelekisa iex yakho nalomntu umbonayo ngoku, lonto izakukwenza uzive worse
- Xa sele ukulungele ukuqalisa ukubona abantu abatsha, zama ukungaxoxi kakhulu nabo ex yakho
Ngubani owaziyo ukuba unokufumana umntu oza kukhathalela intliziyo yakho, nangcono kunokuba ubucinga. Kwaye okona kubaluleke kakhulu, uzixolele ngenxaxheba yakho ekuhlukaneni. Kwaye xa ulungile? Kulungile...phakama, nxiba, bonisa. Umntu wakho obalulekileyo ukulindile!
Eli nqaku lihlaziywe ngoNovemba ka-2022.
FAQs
Umgca wexesha uyahluka ukusuka kumntu ukuya kumntu, kodwa kungekudala ukuba usathelekisa abantu nomntu wakho. Ukuba awukaqhubeli phambili, awuzange uvume ukuhlukana, kwaye ukuba unomsindo kwi-ex yakho, ngokuqinisekileyo ngokukhawuleza uqalise ukuthandana emva kokwahlukana.
Nje ukuba ubudlelwane bube nekamva elibuhlungu njengoqhekeko, akunakwenzeka ukuba luphinde lubuyiselwe kwiintsuku zalo zangaphambili zozuko. Emva kokuhlukana, ubudlelwane buvame ukuba buthathaka, kwaye ngokuphindaphindiweyo, isizathu sokuhlukana kokuqala sibuyisela intloko embi, ukuqhuba amaqabane ngokukhawuleza okanye kamva.
Ukuba ucinga ukuba ufumene umntu onokuthi ukwazi ukwakha naye ubudlelwane obunempilo, kungafuneka uzame. Kufuneka uqiniseke ukuba awukabi buhlungu ngokwahlukana kwakho kwaye uqhubekile phambili. Nje ukuba ufumene uxolo ngokwahlukana kwakho kwaye ungaphoswa yi-ex yakho, kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuqala ukubuyela phaya.
Izinto ezili-10 kuphela eziya kunxulumana nabantu abangatshatanga!
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
