Yintoni omawuyenze emva kokuxabana nesoka lakho?

Akukho namnye kuthi oziva kamnandi emva kokulwa namasoka ethu. Uphela uziva undlongondlongo ngokwaneleyo ukuba ubethe udonga kwaye uzifumane uzibuza ukuba ungazola njani emva komlo. Ulucela njani uxolo emva kokulwa? Yintoni omele uyenze emva kokuxabana nomfana wakho?

Ngaba wakha wazibuza ukuba kutheni silwa nabantu abasondeleyo kuthi? Kungenxa yokuba ngothando kuza inani elikhulu lokulindela. Kwaneyona ndlela incinci yokusabela kakubi liqabane lakho inokukufumana ukwenzakala. Kubo bonke abantu obaziyo, awusoze ufune ukuba iqabane lakho libe nguye ongakuqondiyo kwaye akuvise ubuhlungu.

Abantu bathi ukulwa kwenza ubudlelwane bomelele. Kodwa imilo ikwasikhokelela ekubeni sibuze izinto ezininzi, ngakumbi ubudlelwane ekuthethwa ngabo. Ngazo zonke ezi mvakalelo kunye nolindelo, nobabini ningangena kumlo omkhulu nakwizinto ezincinci. Kodwa awufuni ukuhlala unomsindo kubo ngonaphakade, ke, yintoni omawuyenze emva komlo nesoka lakho? Ulucela njani uxolo emva kokulwa?

Sizisa imbono malunga nendlela yokusingatha umlo kunye nesoka lakho ngokubonisana nengcali yezengqondo Kranti Momin (IiMasters kwiPsychology), oligcisa le-CBT elinamava kwaye ligxile kwiinkalo ezahlukeneyo zokucebisa ngobudlelwane.

Yintoni omawuyenze emva kokuxabana nesoka lakho?

Emva kokuxambulisana nomfana wakho, uyazi ukuba lixesha lokuba nithethe kodwa awazi nokuba sele ezolile na. Awuyazi indlela yokuthetha nesithandwa sakho emva komlo kwaye ulinde ixesha elingakanani ngaphambi kokuba uzame ukusombulula imiba yakho. Kwaye oko kuqhelekile ngokupheleleyo.

Ixesha abantu abalithathayo ukuzola emva komlo liyahluka ukusuka kumntu ukuya kumntu kunye nomoya wabo, i-ego, njl. Isibini sixabana ngemiba ethile eqhelekileyo, kodwa yinto oyenzayo emva koko ithatha isigqibo sokuba ubudlelwane bakho bunempilo okanye buyingozi.

Ke, yintoni omawuyenze xa wena nomfana wakho nisilwa? Nazi izinto ezimbalwa ekufuneka uzigcine engqondweni:

• Yilwa ngentlonipho: Nangona kwamkelekile ngokupheleleyo ukuba nezimvo ezahlukeneyo kunye neqabane lakho kwaye ubeke unyawo lwakho phantsi kwizinto okholelwa kakhulu kuzo, ngokwenza njalo, akufanele ubangele ngabom ubuhlungu kwiqabane lakho. Ukuze ukwazi ukulungisa izinto nomfana wakho emva komlo, kufuneka ulwe ngembeko kwaye ungaze uwele umgca okanye uthethe izinto ezibuhlungu ukuze nje umbonise ukuba uphantsi.
• Nikane isithuba: Xa usilwa nesithandwa sakho, umsindo uyavutha macala omabini kwaye uzama ukuncokola ngelo xesha unokwenza imeko ibe mandundu. Emva kokuxabana nomfana wakho, thatha ixesha lokuzipholisa kwaye uqokelele iingcinga zakho. Ukuba umfana wakho ufuna ixesha elingakumbi lokulungisa iimvakalelo zakhe, yiba nomonde kunokuba umnyanzele ukuba athethe ngaphambi kokuba akulungele.
• Sombulula umba okhoyo: Indlela yokuthetha nomfana emva kokulwa? Qinisekisa ukuba ulungisa kuphela umba okhoyo, kwaye naloo nto ngaphandle kokubeka izityholo okanye ukugxeka iqabane lakho ngokubangela umsantsa. Kwangaxeshanye, kubalulekile ukuba ungazisi imiba edlulileyo kwimilo yangoku
• Xolela kwaye uqhubeke: Wakuba uyisombulule umlo nomfana wakho, yenza umgudu onyanisekileyo wokuxolela, ulibale kwaye uqhubeke. Sukuqhubeka ugxeka umcimbi nasemva kokuba uzilungisile izinto. Oku kuya kubangela kuphela inzondo kubudlelwane, okukhokelela kwiingxaki zobudlelwane eziqhubekayo

Ngoku ukuba unokuqonda okubanzi malunga nento omawuyenze xa wena nesoka lakho nisilwa, masiqhubele phambili kumanyathelo athile onokuthi uwathathe ukungcwaba i-hatchet kwaye udibanise izinto kunye neSO yakho.

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Izinto ezili-10 omawuzenze emva kokuxabana nesoka lakho

Emva kokuba ulwe nesoka lakho, kufuneka uzibambe ngakumbi xa kufikwa kwingcinga zakho. Nangona bekuya kucetyiswa ukuba isingathe imibandela ngobubele nangothantamiso, kulula ukuyithetha kunokukwenza. Ukanti, kuya kufuneka uqonde ukuba umba wokungquzulana apha yingxaki, hayi iqabane lakho.

Ukumtyhola kunye ukudlala umdlalo wokugxeka ayikuse ndawo. Ukuba unomdla wokuphilisa ubudlelwane emva komlo, kufuneka ulumke malunga nendlela olungisa ngayo umba. Nantsi into omawuyenze emva kokuxabana nomfana wakho:

1. Thatha ixesha lokuzola

Ukuba uyazibuza ukuba ulinde ixesha elingakanani emva kwengxabano ngaphambi kokuba uthethe nesoka lakho, kubalulekile ukuba ulinde de wehlise umoya. Ukuba usekwinkqubo yokuphola kwaye uzame ukuthetha naye kwaye incoko ayihambi njengoko kulindelekile, iya kuwandisa umlo.

Umsindo wenza izinto zibe mbi ngakumbi. Xa umsindo usanda, akukho namnye kuni oya kuba sentloko ukuze acinge ngokufanelekileyo kwaye ajonge umfanekiso omkhulu. Xa usilwa nesithandwa sakho, yazi ukuba inkqubo yoxolelwaniso iqala ngokwenza uxolo ngeengcinga zakho.

Ngaphambi kokuba uthethe naye, ziphe ixesha lokuqonda into ekukhathazayo ngaloo mbandela. Oku kuya kwenza kube lula kuwe ukusebenzela kwisisombululo. Ukuba kuyimfuneko, phuma phandle okwethutyana, thatha uhambo, uziqhelanise nokuphefumla nzulu ukuze uzole. Oku kuya kukunceda ukuba ucinge ngokucacileyo kwaye ungavumeli umsindo wakho uvale isigwebo sakho.

2. Thetha phandle

Yintoni omele uyenze emva kokuxabana nomfana wakho? Kranti icebisa, "Yiba nencoko ephilisayo. Ndithetha ukuthini ngencoko ephilisayo? Eli ligama eliqhelekileyo lencoko elijongana neentlungu ezibangelwa ngumlo kwaye isebenzisa intlungu ukukusondeza kunye.

“Ayikho indlela elingana ngayo yonke indlela kwincoko ephilisayo, kodwa kukho imigaqo ethile onokuyisebenzisa ukukunceda ukuba nibuyelane emva komlo njengokuphulaphula ngenyameko, nigxininise ekuthetheni inyaniso ngalo mbandela, ningasebenzisi ulwimi olugxekayo.

Undoqo kukuba ngu ukuphucula unxibelelwano kubudlelwane, ungakuxhobela ngakumbi ukulungisa izinto nomfana wakho emva komlo. Emva kokuba nobabini nizolile, niya kuba nilungele ukuba nencoko ephilisayo emva komlo. Xa nobabini nilangazelela ukuxolelana, thethani. Akukhathaliseki nokuba ngubani oqalisa incoko, okubalulekileyo kukuba nobabini nifuna ukulungisa izinto kwakhona.

Ngoku ekubeni nikulungele ukuthetha nobabini, mchazele isizathu sokuba nixabane nomfana, nesizathu sokuba nenze ngale ndlela nenze ngayo nento enikhathazayo. Kubalulekile ukuqonda iimbono zomnye nomnye. Unxibelelwano sisitshixo sokuphilisa ubudlelwane emva komlo.

3. Fumana isiqalo

Isenokuba sisihlandlo sesithathu okanye sesine wena nomfana wakho nisilwa ngomcimbi omnye. Kubalulekile ukufumana i-trigger eqala umlo. Ukuba umlo umalunga nento ayithethileyo ekukhathazayo, kubalulekile ukwazi ukuba yintoni kanye kanye ekukhathazayo.

Isenokuba yinto enxulumene nexesha lakho elidlulileyo okanye iimvakalelo ezingcwatywe ngokunzulu eziza ebomini xa isoka lakho lithetha into. Fumana isiqalo kwaye uqinisekise ukuba kujongwana naso ukuze singabangeli umlo ofanayo kwakhona.

UKranti uthi, “Ukungayihoyi into eqale umlo wobudlelwane okanye ukwenza ngathi ayizange yenzeke akuyongcamango yobulumko. Ukutshayela imiba yakho phantsi kombhoxo kuthetha ukucinga ukuba iqabane lakho lanelisekile sisiphumo, nto leyo esenokungabi njalo. Yiyo loo nto kufuneka wenze umzamo ocacileyo wokulungisa izinto nomfana wakho emva kokuxabana nokunxibelelana kwakhona.

Ukwabelana ngezinto ozifundileyo emva komlo kunokunceda ukulungisa umonakalo. Izinto ezibalulekileyo ongazihoyiyo zezo zibonakala kwimibandela emikhulu. Undoqo kukuba emva komlo nesithandwa sakho, ugxininiso lwakho alufanele lube kukulungisa izinto kuphela kodwa nasekufikeleleni kwiingcambu zengxaki nokulususa ukhula.

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4. Musa ukuvumela ukuzingca kwakho kukuphazamise

Abantu bathanda ukulwa kuba becinga ukuba abaviwa nangona benyanisile. Ngamanye amaxesha, i-egos yethu ifika endleleni yethu kwaye silindele ukuba iqabane lethu libe nguye ocela uxolo kwaye amkele impazamo yakhe. Umfana wakho naye usenokuba ulindele into efanayo. Ngenxa yoko, omabini amaqabane ahlala enenkani kwaye akukho mntu ulungisayo. Oku kunokukhokelela ekudibaneni.

Ukujonga ingxabano nesoka lakho ngokwembono yakho wedwa yenye ebonakala ngathi iimpazamo ezingenabungozi kubudlelwane ezinokuba neziphumo ezibi. Xa uthatha isigqibo malunga nendlela yokuthetha nesoka emva kokulwa, khumbula ukugcina i-ego yakho endleleni.

Xa usilwa nesoka lakho, kukho ithuba elihle lokuba nobabini ninendima eninokuyidlala kuyo. Ngoko, akukhathaliseki ukuba ngubani owayenempazamo ngakumbi. Okubalulekileyo kukuba iqabane lakho lithetha kangakanani kuwe. Ukuba uvakalelwa kukuba unyanisile, thetha neqabane lakho uze umenze aqonde isizathu, kunokuba umxelele ukuba acele uxolo.

5. Zithintele zonke iingcinga ezingakhiyo

Ngamanye amaxesha, siziva sinomsindo kangangokuba zonke iintlobo zeengcinga ezimbi zifika ezingqondweni zethu ngokubhekiselele kwiqabane lethu kunye nobudlelwane bethu. Ngamanye amaxesha siziva ngathi siyikhwaza yonke kwaye sigqibe ngobudlelwane bethu. Noko ke, ngokufuthi ngakumbi, oko kuthetha ukuba nomsindo.

Zonke ezo mvakalelo zimbi oziva ngazo kwiqabane lakho ziyimveliso yomsindo wakho kwaye ziya kuhamba xa sele uphole. Ngoko ke, musa ukuvumela ezi ziqhube izenzo zakho. “Ndalwa nomfana endandithandana naye saza sathetha izinto ezimbi ngela xesha, yaye ngoku, akasathethi nam,” wabhalela omnye umfundi, ecela icebiso lokulwa nomfana ngendlela efanelekileyo.

Ukwenza okanye ukuthetha izinto ngokukhawuleza onokuthi uzisole kamva akuqhelekanga xa iintombi zisilwa namasoka okanye ngokuphambeneyo. Yiyo loo nto kufuneka wenze umzamo wokuphepha ezo ngcinga zingalunganga kwaye ucinge ngokulungisa endaweni yoko. Iingcinga ezimbi ziya kutshabalalisa ubudlelwane bakho kwaye zikwenze uzisole ngezenzo zakho kamva.

6. Phulaphula intliziyo yakho

Intliziyo yakho iya kuhlala ikukhokelela kumlingane wakho. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba umlo umbi kangakanani, intliziyo yakho iya kufuna ukuba ubuyele kwiqabane lakho kwaye uthethe. Nokuba ungumntu osebenza kangakanani na, xa kufikwa kubudlelwane, yonke into imalunga nentliziyo yakho.

Mamela into ethethwa yintliziyo yakho kwaye nobabini niya kufumana indlela omnye komnye. Imibuzo efana nendlela yokuthetha nomntu othandana naye emva komlo ayikubambezeli xa uvumela ithuku lakho liqhube izenzo zakho. Landela nje intliziyo yakho, kwaye zonke iitshiphusi ziya kuwa endaweni.

Nangona kunjalo, ukuba intliziyo yakho ikuxelela ngenye indlela, mhlawumbi lixesha lokuyeka. Isenokuba yenye ye iimpawu ukuba ukubudlelwane obungenampilo. Ithuku lakho lethuku okanye intuition iya kuvakala iintsimbi ze-alarm ukuba kukho into engalunganga kubudlelwane bakho. Uyakuyazi nzulu entliziyweni yakho nokuba ukwisigaba sokukhanyela. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, ukwahlukana yinto omawuyenze emva kokulwa nesoka lakho.

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7. Mamela ukuba iqabane lakho lithini na

Ibali ngalinye linamacala amabini kodwa sivakalelwa kukuba yinguqulelo yethu kuphela eyona ilungileyo. Ngokukodwa emva kokulwa nesoka lakho, unokuhendeka ukuba ukholelwe ukuba ubunyanisile, imiba yakho ithetheleleka ngokupheleleyo. Kukho amaxesha apho nobabini ningaphazama. Ngoko ke kubalulekile ukuba umamele ukuba iqabane lakho lithini na.

Kusenokwenzeka ukuba awuwaqondi kakuhle amazwi akhe xa eneneni wayethetha into eyahluke ngokupheleleyo. Usenokuba ubuhlungu njengawe kodwa awuzukwazi ngayo ngaphandle kokuba uthethe naye. Mamela iqabane lakho kwaye uqonde imbono yakhe ngokunjalo. Kuya kuninceda nobabini ukusombulula umba ngokukhawuleza kwaye ubuyele ekubeni ziintaka zothando kwakhona.

UKranti uthi, “Ukungavisisani phakathi kwezibini ezitshatileyo kudla ngokuba yeyona ngxaki inkulu. Amaqabane akaphulaphuli ncam. Xa omnye ethetha, omnye ulinda ithuba lakhe lokuthetha. Kwaye ke kukho iintetho ezimbini eziqhubekayo endaweni yengxoxo. Ukuba uzama ukucinga indlela yokuthetha nomntu othandana naye emva komlo, zama le ndlela:

“Isithethi: Gxininisa kwinto oyibonileyo neyayivakalelwa ngayo xa nixambulisana.Kuphephe ukugxeka okanye ukugxeka lowo ukuphulaphuleyo.

“Umphulaphuli: Nikela ingqalelo kwindlela isithethi esiye sajamelana ngayo nengxoxo, kungekhona indlela ocinga ukuba bekufanele kube ngayo. Zama ngokwenene ukuqonda izinto ngokwembono yaso uze uziqinisekise. Thetha izinto ezinjengalezi: ‘Xa ndikubona oku ngokwembono yakho, kusengqiqweni ukuba uvakalelwe ngaloo ndlela’.”

8. Nikela

Ngamanye amaxesha, eyona nto ingcono ukuyenza kukunikezela kwaye uthi uxolo kumfana wakho. Khumbula, kulungile ukucela uxolo. Nangona imilo isenza siqonde ukuba iqabane lethu lithetha ukuthini kuthi kwaye singenakuphila njani ngaphandle kwalo, ikwakha umsantsa omncinci phakathi kwakho neqabane lakho.

Lo msantsa unokuqhubeka usanda kuwo wonke umlo. Ukuba ngowokuqala ukunikezela kubonisa isoka lakho ukuba unomdla ngakumbi malunga nobudlelwane kunomlo omncinci. Wenza njani cela uxolo emva komlo? Kulula, vele uthethe ngokusuka entliziyweni kwaye ubaxelele indlela oziva ngayo. Xelela indlela oye wasabela ngayo. Ngamanye amaxesha, iimeko zinokusingathwa ngokuthetha nje kodwa sikhethe ukulwa endaweni yoko.

UKranti ucebisa ngelithi, “Okubalulekileyo kukuba, musani ukuvumela ixesha elininzi lidlule ngaphambi kokuba nicombulule ingxaki, yaye musani ukuvusa ingxabano kwixesha elizayo.” Ukuba uchitha ixesha elide uzama ukufumana indlela yokulungisa izinto kunye nesoka lakho emva kokulwa, kunokuba nzima ukuqhekeza umkhenkce. Ngokukwanjalo, ukuba uqhubeka uzisa imiba emidala kuyo yonke ingxabano nesoka lakho, iingxaki zinokuba zingapheliyo.

9. Yenza imithetho emitsha

Ngoku ekubeni nobabini nizazi izinto ezibangela ukuba nilwe kwaye nikulungele ukulungisa izinto, yenzani imithetho emitsha eniya kuyilandela nobabini ukuze nithintele imilo enjalo kwixesha elizayo. Inokuba yinto enjengokungathethi ngesihloko, ukungathethi ubuninzi besiqingatha seyure emva kokulwa, ukutya kunye kungakhathaliseki ukuba kubi kangakanani ukulwa, ukwenza ngaphambi kokulala, njalo njalo.

UKranti uthi: “Kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukufuna ukuqinisekiswa ngendlela oziva ngayo kubahlobo, kusapho nakuye nabani na oya kumamela. Ke, mhlawumbi, ukungakhupheli impahla yakho emdaka esidlangalaleni kwaye utsalele abahlobo kunye nosapho kumlo nesithandwa sakho kungaba ngumthetho onokuwuthatha.

Ukumisela imithetho emitsha kunye nemida kuya kunceda ekugcineni ubudlelwane obunempilo kwaye uyazi kakuhle into onokuyilindela kwiqabane lakho kwiimeko ezinjalo.

10. Yigone ngaphandle

Ngamanye amaxesha, awukwazi ukufumana amagama afanelekileyo onokuthi uwathethe kumfana wakho ukuze ulungise. Kwimeko enjalo, eyona nto ilungileyo onokuyenza kukuwola. Nje ukuba ubambe iqabane lakho, umsindo uya kunyibilika kwaye iqabane lakho liya kuqonda ukuba likukhumbule kangakanani na.

Ukuwonga kusebenza njengommangaliso, akukhathaliseki nokuba mkhulu kangakanani umlo eniye nanobabini. Ungalibali ukuthetha ngalo mba emva koku, ukuze kwixesha elizayo ungaphindi ulwe nesoka lakho ngento enye. Kusabalulekile ukusombulula lo mba kungenjalo kungakhokelela kwimilo emininzi kwixesha elizayo.

Ezi ngcebiso zingentla ziya kunceda ekuphiliseni ubudlelwane emva kokulwa nesoka lakho kwaye likufundise ukuba wenze ntoni emva kokulwa nesoka lakho. Ukuphilisa ubudlelwane bakho emva komlo kuya kunceda ekwenzeni isiseko sakho somelele kwaye kuthintele naziphi na iimvakalelo zokuzonda ukuba zingene kwindlela yobudlelwane bakho.

Ekulweni, undoqo kukubeka iqabane lakho ngaphezu komlo kuba ukucinga ngeemvakalelo zakho kuthetha nje ukuba unika ukubaluleka ngakumbi kuwe kunobudlelwane bakho. Soloko ulungisa kwaye ufunde ukuxolela kwaye ubudlelwane bakho buya kuhamba umgama omde.

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