UJennifer Campos (igama elishintshiwe) ukhuluma ngokungabaza ngomshado wakhe nesehlukaniso. Phela wayesemshadweni ojabulisayo kodwa oyisicefe kwaze kwaba uyahlanya othandweni nenye indoda esebenza ehhovisi lakhe. Okwenzeka ngokulandelayo kwakungabikezelwa - imihlangano yomshoshaphansi nesithandwa sakhe, ukudideka, ingcindezi, umuzwa wecala nobumnandi obufihliwe nokunye okunjalo. Konke kwakuhamba kahle ekuqaleni kuze kube yilapho ikhava yakhe ishaywa umoya. Izinto zafinyelela ekhanda kwaze kwadingeka ukuba akhethe - ukuhlala eshadile noma athathe isinqumo sokushiya umshado kumuntu ayethandana naye.
“Nganquma ukulandela inhliziyo yami futhi ngawushiya umshado wami,” kusho uJennifer ohlakaniphile futhi osekhulile. "Kodwa manje ngiyazibuza ukuthi ngabe konke bekufanelekile yini." Ngeshwa, umshado wakhe wesibili nesithandwa sakhe awuzange uhlale isikhathi eside njengoba izinkinga ezisele zesinqumo sakhe zenza isithunzi esasiza ebudlelwaneni bakhe obusha.
UTania Kawood , umphilisi we-holistic oseDubai, umeluleki kanye nomsunguli we-TK Holistic Clinic, uthi le ndlela ibonakala ebudlelwaneni obuningi obuqala ekungathembekini. “Kuhlala kukhona isici secala esidlalayo uma kukhulunywa ngezindaba zobudlelwano. Ikakhulukazi uma indoda ishiya umkayo noma owesifazane eshiya umshado wayo ukuze ayohlala nomlingani wayo, kuhlale kukhona ukungabaza okungaqondakali ukuthi bazokwazi yini ukuqinisa ubuhlobo,” kusho uTania.
Endabeni kaJennifer, ibanga phakathi kwakhe nomyeni wakhe omusha lakhula njengoba inhlebo yomphakathi namahlazo anezela ekucindezelekeni. Ukuzisola ngokushada nesinqandamathe sakhe kusahamba phambili kuJennifer kodwa uyavuma ukuthi usengcono manje ngaphandle kobudlelwano kunokungena kobonakele.
Izindaba zenhliziyo azibikezeleki njalo. Ukungathembeki kubhekwa phansi yiwo wonke amasiko kodwa akunakuphikwa ukuthi ukukopela ebudlelwaneni kuya ngokuya kuvama. Amadoda nabesifazane abashiya umshado ngenxa yothando lomlingani wabo kungenye yezizathu ezivame kakhulu zokuhlukanisa, iqiniso elisekelwa ucwaningo. Ngokusho kocwaningo olushicilelwe ku-Institute of Family Studies, ama-20% amadoda kanye nama-13% abesifazane eMelika babike ukuthi baye ocansini nomuntu ongeyena umlingani wabo ngesikhathi beshadile.
Kodwa ingabe lezi zindaba (zenhliziyo noma zomzimba) empeleni ziholela emshadweni noma enjabulweni? Ngeshwa, akubonakali kunjalo, okungenani ezimweni eziningi. Incwadi edumile kaDkt. Frank Pittman ethi Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity ithi amazinga ezehlukaniso phakathi kwalabo abashada nabalingani babo bomshado aphezulu afinyelela ku-75%.
Akudingekile ukusho, ukuqomisana ngemva komshado akusoze kwaba lula noma kube lula. Injabulo enecala ingase yenze abantu abaningi bangene kule ndawo eyingozi kodwa lapho izibuko ezinemibala egqamile seziphumile, umgwaqo ongaphambili ugcwele usizi nokucindezeleka. Ngisho noma siyibekela eceleni indaba yokuziphatha okwesikhashana, ukushiya umshado kumuntu othandana naye kubangela izinkinga ezinkulu.
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Okuqukethwe
Umshado ophumelelayo noma yiluphi uhlobo lobudlelwano ludinga isineke esikhulu, uthando, ukuqonda kanye nokuvumelana okuncane. Kunzima ukusho ukuthi indoda noma owesifazane ufuna nini injabulo noma uthando ngaphandle kobudlelwano babo kodwa uma eqala ukuthandana nomuntu ongaphandle komshado, amathuba okuba ubuhlobo besibili bugcwalise izidingo zabo ezingakahlangatshezwani mancane kakhulu.
Yebo, lokhu akunakwenziwa okuvamile njengoba kuye kwaba nezimo eziningana lapho umshado wesibili womuntu nomuntu athandana naye uye wabonakala uphumelela futhi ujabule kakhulu kunowokuqala kodwa ukufinyelela kuleso sikhundla kuwumsebenzi onzima. Nazi izinkinga eziyisishiyagalolunye umuntu angabhekana nazo uma ethatha isinqumo sokushiya umshado eyofuna umaqondana:
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1. Inselele yokweqa ukuzethemba
Inselele enkulu yokuqala yileyo yokunikeza isizathu esanele - cha, hhayi emphakathini nakubangane (lelo elinye idimoni ngokuphelele) kodwa kuwena. Ingabe ubudlelwano bakho obusha buqine ngokwanele ukumelana nezahlulelo ezingenakugwenywa eziza kuwe?
Ingabe umlingani wakho omusha uzimisele ukubeka engozini isithunzi sakhe nesithombe sakhe emsebenzini nasemphakathini? Ingabe uqinisekile nge-100% ukuthi ukushiya isakhiwo nokuvikeleka komshado futhi ugxumele ngqo ebuhlotsheni obuqala ngenothi elinyakazayo kuwufanele? Le mibuzo kanye neminye eminingana izoqhubeka nokukhathaza isinqumo sakho, okungenani ezigabeni zokuqala.
2. Ubani ozophuma kuqala?
Kumuntu wesilisa, ukuzibandakanya nowesifazane oshadile kufana nokuhamba ngamagobolondo amaqanda. Umbuzo othi ' uzomshiya noma cha umyeni wakhe ' uphezulu, mhlawumbe ngoba izingozi ziphezulu kwabesifazane emiphakathini eminingi. UMohit Marawala (igama lishintshiwe uma ecelwa), umphathi wezokumaketha wake waba nobudlelwano nowesifazane oshadile ayemcasukela. "Ngangikulungele ukulwela umhlaba ngenxa yakhe kodwa ngangihlala ngikhathazekile ukuthi umlingani wami wezothando uzomshiya nomyeni wakhe?"
“Wayengithanda kodwa ngangazi ukuthi wayemanqika ukuphuma emshadweni wakhe.” Akudingekile ukusho ukuthi ubuhlobo bethu babhuntsha futhi namanje akajabule emshadweni wakhe,” kusho uMohit. Kudingeka isibindi esikhulu ukuhamba amamitha ayisishiyagalolunye wonke uma kuziwa endabeni yokuthandana nabantu abangashadile. Abesifazane, ikakhulukazi, bavame ukuba nezinyawo ezibandayo uma kuziwa ekushiyeni umshado kubalingani.
3. Ingqinamba ethi 'yini okulandelayo'
U-Tania ukhuluma ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe ngesikhathi ebhekene nokungathembeki kwamakhasimende akhe. “Umbuzo ojwayeleke kakhulu engibuzwayo uthi – 'Ngiyajola, kufanele ngimshiye umkami?' Amadoda amaningi angena ebudlelwaneni ngaphandle kokucabanga ngemiphumela kulapho izinto sezimbi kakhulu lapho ecabanga khona ngomshado wawo,” kusho yena.
Enye yezinkinga ezinkulu obhekana nazo ngenkathi ushiya umshado wakho kumuntu othandana naye ukunquma indlela ezayo. Ingabe kufanele ugijimele emshadweni nomlingani wakho omusha noma ulinde ngaphambi kokuba wenze? Noma kufanele ungene endaweni yokuhlala ngaphambi kokubopha ifindo? Ngokufanelekile, wena nomlingani wakho othandana naye kufanele nicace kakhulu ezinyathelweni ezizayo.
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4. Ubude bendaba
Ingabe izindaba ezichitha umshado zihlala isikhathi eside ? Umbuzo ohlala engqondweni yabantu abaningi okufanele bakhethe phakathi kwabalingani babo bomshado noma abalingani babo bomshado. UJennifer uyavuma ukuthi esinye sezizathu ezenza umshado wakhe wesibili wahluleka ukuthi kwakukhona ukungabaza okungenangqondo engqondweni yomyeni wakhe wesibili mayelana nokwethembeka kwakhe kuye.
UJennifer uthi: “Noma nini lapho sixabana, wayevele aveze ukuthi ngimshiyile umyeni wami ukuze ngihlale naye.
5. Izingane zithinteka kakhulu
“Ukungathembeki kuyamlimaza umuntu oshade naye kodwa kuthinta izingane kakhulu,” kusho uTania. “Ngiye ngabona izimo lapho izingxabano eziwumphumela, ukungezwani emshadweni, izindaba ezingokomthetho nezinkinga ezingokomzwelo zabazali zibathinta ngokujulile izingane zabo.”
Uma abazali beziqeqesha ngokwanele izingane zabo futhi bezivikela ebubini bokuhlukana kwazo, umthelela ungancishiswa kodwa ungakubhejeli. “Okubi kakhulu yilapho izingane ziphoqeleka ukuba zithathe uhlangothi,” uyanezela. Uma owesilisa noma owesifazane ecabanga ukushiya umshado ukuze ashade naye, kufanele acabangele ukuwela okungokomzwelo kwesinqumo ezinganeni.
6. Ukuphatha umndeni oseduze nowandisiwe
Siphila osukwini nenkathi lapho injabulo yomuntu ngamunye inikezwa kuqala kunemithetho nemikhuba yomphakathi. Eqinisweni, wonke umuntu unelungelo lokuphila ngendlela athanda ngayo. Nokho, umphakathi noma umndeni yinto umuntu angeke ayifise. Ngisho noma ukhetha ukuyishaya indiva, imibuzo engakhululekile kanye nenhlebo kunzima ukuyibalekela.
Yebo, akudingekile ukuba kukuvimbele uma ucabanga ukuthi usendleleni efanele kodwa khumbula ukuthi ukukopela emshadweni kubhekwa njengento embi kakhulu, ngisho nasemindenini engaguquki. Uma umndeni wakho owandisiwe ungokwesiko kakhulu, khona-ke lungele ukufakwa ngaphandle uma ucabanga ukushiya umshado wakho ukuze uthole umlingani othandana naye.
7. Izinkumbulo ziyoba buhlungu
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uyakuthanda noma cha, kuhlale kunecala elihambisana nokuthandana nomuntu . Njengoba uTania esho, “Ungathethelela nganoma iyiphi indlela oyifunayo kodwa iqiniso lihlala likhona lokuthi umbhangqwana ohlangane ngemva kokuba omunye wabo ephumile emshadweni wawo uzoba nomuzwa wecala ocindezelwe. Ngeke babe nendaba ejabulisayo abangabelana ngayo ngokuthi bahlangane kanjani.”
Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi indlela yabo ebheke othandweni yayiyoba nezinhliziyo eziphukile nakanjani. Akusona isimo esifanele ukuba kusona futhi umuntu oshiya umshado eyofuna umngane womshado kuzodingeka ikakhulukazi aqine futhi aqiniseke ngesinqumo sakhe. Futhi, kuyodingeka banakekele ukungavumeli izinkumbulo ezibuhlungu zesikhathi esidlule noma okuhlangenwe nakho konakalise ubuhlobo babo obusha noma umshado.
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8. Izinselele zokwakha ubuntu obusha bomphakathi
Indaba yabo bonke ubudlelwano ihlukile futhi izinselele ngamunye zihlukile futhi. Kodwa isici esisodwa esivamile imibhangqwana ethandanayo ebhekana nayo ukuthi kungase kudingeke bakhe ubuntu obusha lapho sebehlangene. Manje, lokhu kungaba yinselele uma labo ababekade besebenza nabo behlala edolobheni elifanayo.
Abangane nabajwayelene nabo bayaphoqeleka ukuba bathathe uhlangothi. Ngokuvamile kunalokho, ngumlingani okhohlisayo okufanele azilungiselele ukulahlekelwa abangane bakudala futhi athole abasha. UTania uthi: “Kunjengokungathi kufanele bakhe kabusha ukuphila ndawonye ngaphandle kwebhamuza lothando ababephila kulo kuze kube yileso sikhathi.
9. Ingozi yokuqhathanisa
Uma nijola, kungenzeka kakhulu ngoba lokhu kuxhumana kufeza izidingo ezithile ezingahlangabezwanga emshadweni wakho. “Kodwa ingozi lapha iwukuqhathanisa,” kusho uTania. "Esikhundleni sokubheka ukuqomisana njengobudlelwane obuzimele, ungabuka umshado wakho."
Inkinga iba lapho ushiya umshado kumuntu othandana naye bese ugcine usuqhathanisa umshado wakho noma i-ex yakho nomlingani wakho wamanje futhi ungase uthole owedlule eswele kwezinye izici. Umphumela uba ukuthi awukwazi ukujabula kunoma yibuphi ubuhlobo. “Ngisho noma uthandana nomuntu ongashadile naye, qiniseka ukuthi kungenxa yezizathu ezifanele hhayi ngoba ungajabulile ngokugcwele emshadweni wakho,” kusho uTania.
Ukulala nomuntu ongaphandle komshado kuyizithelo ezivinjelwe kakhulu. Iningi labantu lingena kukho ngaphandle kokucabanga kakhulu noma ukucabangela iqiniso lokuthi kungase kuholele ezinkingeni. Kodwa noma yibuphi ubuhlobo ngaphandle komshado akuvamile ukuba nohambo olubushelelezi.
Nakuba kulungile ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni obungajabulisi, lokho owesilisa noma owesifazane okudingeka bakwenze ukuqinisekisa ukuthi abangeni epanini lokuthosa eliyisisho ukuze bashise isimo. Mhlawumbe, kungaba ngcono ukunikeza isikhathi sokuba ubudlelwano obusha bukhule futhi bukhule ngaphambi kokungena ngekhanda kubo ngisho noma ushiyela umngane wakho womshado. Ngakho hlakanipha lapho ukhetha.
Kungani Kufanele Siyeke Ukwahlulela Abantu Ngezindaba Ezingaphandle Komshado
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
