Ngaba kufuneka uqhagamshelane nalo Mntu iqabane lakho liqhatha ipaneli yeengcaphephe zeBonobology-Izinto eziluncedo kunye ne-Cons

Ngaba kufuneka uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho eliqhatha naye? Enjani yona ingxaki! Ukufumana nje impendulo ethi ewe/hayi kule nto kunokukuxabisa ubusuku obuninzi bokulala. Kodwa sinokusiqonda isizathu sokuba lo mnqweno uphambeneyo wokudibana nalo mntu uyimfihlelo uyinyani. Umlingane wakho ubakhethe ngaphezu kwakho – ukuba ayikuko ukunyelisa, asazi ukuba yintoni! Yintoni abanokuyinika iqabane lakho elingekhoyo emtshatweni wakho?

Ngoku umbono wakho uyabaleka - Ngaba umhle kunam? Ngaba ulunge ngolona hlobo ebhedini? Uziva ngathi ulahlekelwa yingqondo yakho ekujonganeni neemeko ezimbi kakhulu kunye nokungakhuseleki okuvela kuzo. Ewe, ukudibana nalo mntu kunokukunceda uqinisekise ezinye zezi ngcinga. Kodwa ngaba iya kongeza nayiphi na ixabiso kwinkqubo yakho yokuphilisa? Asifuni ukuba wenze nantoni na ngokungxama onokuthi uzisole ngayo kamva. 

Ngoko, ngaba ufanele ujongane nesithandwa somyeni wakho okanye le ndoda yalala nomfazi wakho? Masiyibone loo nto ngemibono evela kwisayikholoji yeklinikhi Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, iYunivesithi yaseManchester), umseki weKornash: Isikolo soLawulo lweNdlela yokuPhila, ojongene neengcebiso zezibini kunye nonyango losapho. 

Ngaba Ufanele Uqhagamshelane Nomntu Iqabane Lakho Liqhatha Naye? 

UVanessa, umfundi wethu waseArizona, unengxaki efanayo. “Nangona umyeni wam wayendiqinisekisa ukuba umtshato wakhe uphelile, amehlo akhe okanye izenzo zakhe azizange zindiqinisekise ukuba kunjalo, kwakukho into engathandekiyo kwindlela awayeziphethe ngayo, eyandenza ndacinga ukuba, Ngaba ndifanele ndijongane nomfazi owaqhathwa ngumyeni wam? wajongana nomnye umfazi. Ukufunda izinto ezininzi ezithukisayo awamxelelayo ngam nenyaniso yokuba umtshato usaqhubeka kwandidandathekisa.”

UMichael, ongumongikazi waseCalgary, kwelinye icala, wayethandabuza ukudibana nesithandwa somfazi wakhe. Uthi, “Umfazi wam wandiqhatha kwaye andikwazi ukuyeka ukucinga ngalo nto kodwa andiqinisekanga ukuba ndingakwazi na ukujongana naye ubuso ngobuso. Ngapha koko, ndithini kwindoda elala nomfazi wakho? Emva kwemfazwe yokuba sidibane okanye singadibani, ekugqibeleni uMichael wayibiza loo ndoda. Uye wathi akanalo nofifi lokuba isithandwa sakhe sitshatile. Wayengenanjongo yokuba livili lesithathu emtshatweni; wacela uxolo kwaye waziphelisa izinto naye, kukuhle. 

Ndicinga ukuba uyaqonda kwezi ngxelo ukuba akukho ndlela ilula yokuphendula umbuzo - ngaba ufanele uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho eliqhatha naye? Loo ntlanganiso inokukukhanyisela kakhulu okanye inokuyaphula ngakumbi intliziyo yakho. Ukuba awuvumi ukujongana nenye indoda/ibhinqa, qiniseka ngeenjongo zakho kuqala. Ulindele ukuva ntoni? Ngaba ukulungele ukwetyisa iinkcukacha zomzuzu wothando lweqabane lakho? 

Ngenxa yokuba intlanganiso phakathi kweqabane eliqhathiweyo kunye neqabane lomtshato alikho malunga nokutshintshiselana ngezinto ezimnandi. Ngaba ke kufuneka ujongane nesithandwa somyeni wakho (okanye esomfazi)? Oko kuxhomekeke kuwe nakweminye imiba embalwa:

• Ngaba iqabane lobudlelwane ngumhlobo wakho?
• Ngaba umcimbi uphelile okanye usaqhubeka?
• Ngaba uyakholelwa ukuba iqabane lakho liyakuxokisa ngokuphelisa umtshato?
• Ngaba ufuna ukudibana nabo wedwa okanye kunye neqabane lakho?
• Ngaba uzama ukwenza njalo uphinde wakhe umtshato wakho emva kokukopela okanye ugqibe ekubeni uqhubeke?

UDevaleena uthi, “Akunakubakho impendulo ethe ngqo ethi ewe/hayi kule nto, ixhomekeke kwimeko yomntu, kulwalamano lwakhe neqabane lakhe lomtshato, kunye nohlobo lokuthandana ukusa kumlinganiselo othile.Abanye abantu abakwazi ukujongana nale mfihlelo. 

Ngoko ke, bagqibela ngokunxulumana nesithandwa seqabane labo befuna ukucaca. Ngandlela zonke, intlanganiso enjalo inokwenza umonakalo omkhulu kunokunceda iqabane eliqhathiweyo ukuba lihlangabezane noku kuphulwa kwentembelo.

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Ukushiya umtshato ngenxa yeqabane lomcimbi

IiPros Zokuthetha Nomntu Iqabane Lakho Liqhathe Naye 

Xa ufumanisa umntu omnye obumthembile kakhulu uthatha ithuba lokholo lwakho olungaboniyo kwaye uthandana phantsi kwempumlo yakho, umhlaba wakho uyawa. Uphantse uphulukane nembono yakho yokulungileyo nokubi kwaye utyiwa kukwenzakala okunzulu nokungcatshwa. Awufuni enye into ngaphandle nje ubone ukuphela komcimbi. Kwaye intloko yakho mhlawumbi iphuphuma ziingcinga ezimbi ezinje, "Kuthekani ukuba omnye umfazi uhlala enxibelelana nomyeni wam emva kwam?" okanye, “Ndifuna ukwenzakalisa indoda eyalala nomfazi wam”.

Nangona sivelana nawe, besisakucebisa ngokuchasene nokwenza ngokucinga. Ngaphambi kokuba unikezele kwisilingo sokuxabana kwe-cathartic, zibuze, ngaba ufanele uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho elikhohlisayo? Yintoni elungileyo enokuphuma kuyo? Ephendula le mibuzo, u-Devaleena uthi, “Uya kulazi ngqo apho iqabane lakho limi khona kubudlelwane ngoku – nokuba basanxibelelana okanye kuphelile kanye.

“Unokuqinisekisa ukuba iqabane lakho alikugcini ebumnyameni ngayo nantoni na. Ufunda izibakala xa usiva omabini amacala ebali. Kwaye ekuphela kwecala elincomekayo lentlanganiso kukuba liya kukunceda wenze isigqibo ngendlela ofuna ukuwuqhuba ngayo umtshato ukususela kweli nqanaba ukuya phambili.” Ngokusekwe kuqwalaselo luka-Devaleena, siyile uluhlu lweepros ukusombulula ingxaki yakho yokuba "Ngaba ndingajongana nomfazi owaqhathwa naye umyeni wam?" okanye “Ngaba ndifanele ndithethe nendoda awayethandana nayo umfazi wam?”  

1. Ufunda ngobume bomcimbi 

UDaniel oneminyaka engama-32 ubudala, igosa lezentengiso eOhio, wasibhalela wathi: “Umfazi wam wandiqhatha yaye andikwazi ukuyeka ukucinga ngaloo nto, ndandingaqinisekanga enoba ndifanele ndiye emva kwakhe ndize ndidibane nale ndoda.

Ngokwahlukileyo kwinjongo kaDaniel yokuxambulisana neqabane lomfazi wakhe, le ncoko yamnceda wabona undoqo womtshato wakhe yaza yavula ijelo lokunxibelelana nomfazi wakhe. Unokufumanisa ukuba kutheni le nto iqale kwasekuqaleni, ixesha kunye nemeko yangoku yomcimbi, ukuba ibingowomzimba okanye bekukho unxibelelwano lweemvakalelo, kwaye nangokunjalo. Nangona olu lwazi lungenakuba luncedo kakhulu kwinkqubo yokuphulukisa, ubuncinane lubeka isiphelo kwiingcamango zakho ezingenasiphelo kwaye kukunceda ukuba ucinge ngokufanelekileyo. 

2. Uva imbono eyahlukileyo

Kwinguqulelo yomyeni kaBlair, wazama konke okusemandleni akhe ukuxhathisa kodwa wazingisa elingwa lelinye ibhinqa de wambambisa kulo mcimbi. UBlair uthi: “Xa kwavela ukunganyaniseki komyeni wam, into ethile malunga nenguqulelo yakhe yeziganeko ayizange ihlale kakuhle kum. Ndandifuna ukuthetha nelinye ibhinqa kodwa ndandixhalabile. Ngaba ufanele udibane nesithandwa somyeni wakho? Ndazamana nalo mbuzo kangangexesha elide. Kodwa omnye umfazi waqhubeka enxibelelana nomyeni wam yaye andizange ndikholelwe kwilizwi eliphuma emlonyeni wakhe. ukhathazeke ngokupheleleyo.”

Kwathi kanti, eli bhinqa lakhulelwa waza umyeni kaBlair wala ukuthabatha naluphi na uxanduva waza wasuka wamnqumla. Uyazi, lonke ilifu linomgca wesilivere. Kwaye olu tshintsho lutsha lweziganeko lwenza ukuba kube lula kuBlair ukwenza isigqibo ngekamva lomtshato wakhe. Ukujongana nomntu otshate naye iqabane lakho asikokuhamba ncam epakini. Kodwa ukucaca okufumanayo malunga nemeko yonke kunokuba kufanelekile. 

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3. Basenokucela uxolo

Makhe sithi gqabagqaba ngale nto yenzekayo kwingqondo yalowo uthandana naye ngomzuzwana: “Umfazi wakhe wanditsalela umnxeba. Okanye lo mntu unokuziva ezisola ngokwenene ngokuba ngunobangela umtshato wakho usematyeni. Nangona akufanele ukuba ubambe umoya wakho ngenxa yoko, usenokufumana uxolo kwaye oko kungalungisa intliziyo yakho kancinci, akunjalo? 

UDevaleena uthi, “Ukuba omnye umntu naye uye wagcinwa ebumnyameni, banokucela uxolo ngokunyanisekileyo. Yaye ukuba bacela uxolo, into efanelekileyo kukuba ube ngoyena mntu umkhulu apha uze uyamkele. Umele uqonde ukuba akukho sizathu sokuba umntu wesithathu aphendule.

4. Unokwenza loo mntu azive esoyika/enomona 

Ngaba kufuneka uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho eliqhatha naye? Mhlawumbi kufanelekile ukuba uya apho nge-ajenda enkulu kunokuqokelela nje ulwazi malunga nomcimbi. Xa uzimisele yenza ukuba omnye umfazi/indoda imke kwaye ugcine umtshato wakho nge hook okanye crook, kusenokufuneka wenze oko kuthatha ukubambelela kwi turf yakho. Qinisekisa iqabane lakho lomtshato ukuba nguwe osaphetheyo kwaye isiqingatha somsebenzi wakho wenziwe. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, bahlala kunye nothotho lokungazithembi ngelixa bethandana nomntu otshatileyo.

A Umsebenzisi weReddit ubalisa amava afanayo xa wayeqhubana neqabane lomtshato womfazi wakhe, “Umfazi wam wamboleka imali enkulu engama-20. Wayesazi ukuba akanakukwazi ukubuyisela imali yaye wayesoyika ukundixelela. Wajika wamhlophe ndafuna imali ndagrogrisa ngokubonisa umama wakhe neentombi zakhe zonke ii-chats zakhe (ungumhlolo).

5. Uyayazi indlela abavakalelwa ngayo ngeqabane lakho ngoku 

Esinye isiphumo esihle sokuhlangana nesithandwa seqabane lakho kukuba ufumana ingcebiso ngeemvakalelo zabo. Ngaba yayikukothuka nje kwabo? Ngaba bathabatheke ngokubanzi okanye sithetha ngomanyano olunentsingiselo apha? Ngokwendlela athetha ngayo lo mntu ngeqabane lakho, unokucinga ukuba bazakunishiya nibe nobabini ngokulula okanye bangabamba bamba balwele uthando lwabo. Ke ngoko, ngaba kufuneka uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho eliqhatha naye? Ndiyakholwa ukuba sele uyayazi impendulo yakho ngoku. 

Iingxaki Zokuthetha Nomntu Iqabane Lakho Liqhathe Naye 

"Ngaba ndifanele ndijongane nomfazi owaqhathwa ngumyeni wam / indoda umfazi wam athandana nayo?" Uya kugqirha okanye kumhlobo onombuzo ofanayo kwaye amathuba okuba iingcebiso zabo ziya kuba ngu-'hayi' oqinileyo. Isenokungabi yile nto ufuna ukuyiva okwangoku kodwa banenqaku. Ukujongana neqabane lakho elithandana nalo kusenokuvula inkonkxa yeentshulube kwaye umonakalo owenziweyo ungaphaya kwawo nawuphi na ulungiso – kwimpilo yakho yengqondo kunye nomtshato wakho. 

Ngokutsho kukaDevaleena, "Eyona nto imbi kakhulu yesi sicwangciso kukuba uqhagamshelane nalo mntu ufuna ukucaca ngokupheleleyo. Kwaye akukho siqinisekiso sokuba ungayifumana loo nto. Kuthekani ukuba umntu uxoka ebusweni bakho?" Kulo nqaku, makhe sixoxe ngeengozi zokuthetha nomntu iqabane lakho elikhohlisa naye:

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Iimpawu ezili-12 zokuthandana ziguquka zibe luthando

1. Basenokukucaphukisa

Xa uzama ukuzinza ku-ewe/hayi “ukuba unxibelelane nomntu iqabane lakho elimqhatha naye”, khumbula ukuba oku kudibana kungajika kube kubi ngokwenene kungekudala. Mhlawumbi baya kwenza nawuphi na umkhamo ukuze bakhusele isidima sabo kwaye bangavumeli ukuhamba ngaphandle kwedabi elinzima lamagama. Ngaba unokuhla uye kwinqanaba labo? Andiqondi. Kodwa kufuneka uyazi into ezayo ngendlela yakho. 

UDevaleena uthi, “Xa iqabane lomtshato lixhokonxa, kunokwenzeka ukuba liphenjelelwa kakhulu liqabane lakho. umntu otshatileyo uyajola, badla ngokuthetha izinto ezininzi ezimbi ngeqabane lomtshato ukuze bafumane uvelwano kwelinye ibhinqa/indoda.”

2. Awunakuzithelekisa nabo

UPatrick woyika akubona umfana oselula, omhle owayethandana nenkosikazi yakhe, “Umfazi wam wandiqhatha kwaye andiyeki ukucinga ngako oko. Ngaphambi kokuba ndidibane naye, ndandisithi, “Ndifuna ukwenzakalisa indoda eyayilala nomfazi wam.” Kodwa xa ndadibana nalo mfo uchwayitisayo, odlamkileyo, noqinisekisa ubomi, ndaziva ndisithi, “Ungakwazi njani ukukhuphisana notitshala oneminyaka engama-48 ubudala kwikhemistri?” Nawuphi na umfazi uya kuwa ngenxa yomtsalane wakhe.”

UDevaleena uthetha inqaku elilungileyo apha kubantu abafana noPatrick, “Yimpazamo enkulu eyenziwa ngamaqabane amaninzi atshatelweyo.Baye bagqibe ekubeni bekholelwa ukuba kukho into engekhoyo kubo kanti inyaniso yeyokuba eyona ngxaki okanye eyona nto ibangela abaqhathayo yimibandela yengqondo yabo. ukuzijongela phantsi. Akukho sizathu sokuzibetha okanye ukuvumela lo mcimbi uchaphazele ukuzithemba kwakho nangayiphi na indlela. " 

3. Iinkcukacha kunokuba buhlungu ukuva 

Ngaba kufuneka uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho eliqhatha naye? Sinokuthi 'ewe' kwimeko enye - kuphela ukuba uyathembisa ukuba ungazibamba emva kokufumana iinkcukacha ezibuhlungu zalo mcimbi. Ligatya elingaqiqiyo elo, ndiyazi. Kodwa sikulungiselela eyona meko imbi kakhulu. 

Ezi zinto zincinci zinokuvela ngexesha lencoko. Iqabane lobudlelwane lisenokude likhuphe izinto ezilimazayo ngaphandle nje kokukhathazeka, njengokuthi "Iqabane lakho liyamangalisa ebhedini" okanye "Undothusile ngohambo lothando oluhlawule zonke iindleko lokuya eHawaii". Ngaba ucinga ukuba uya kukwazi ukuyiginya?

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Iimpawu ezili-13 zokuqhatha ubutyala kufuneka uzilumkele

4. Usenokungayifumani inyaniso kubo

Injongo yokuthetha nomntu otshate naye kukufuna ukwazi ukuba kwenzeke ntoni kanye kanye, akunjalo? Udinga ukucaca, mhlawumbi umgca wexesha, okanye ngubani ofike kuqala kwaye indlela enzulu ngayo ubudlelwane. Kodwa unokuqiniseka njani ukuba baya kuyichitha inyaniso, hayi enye into? Kusenokwenzeka ukuba bacinga ukuba, “Umfazi wakhe uye waqhagamshelana nam waza wandicela ukuba sidibane.” Kumele ukuba kukho into eyolisayo, yaye baya kulumka ngakumbi. 

Ke, banokuthi zonke iintlobo zezinto ezingabalulekanga ukuphambukisa ingqalelo yakho kumbandela ophambili. Banokukunika iinyaniso ezingaphelelanga okanye bayikhanyele yonke loo nto. Ekupheleni kosuku, uya kubuya unengqondo ephithizelayo, uxakwe ngakumbi kunangaphambili. Ngaphandle kokuba uqiniseke ngokupheleleyo ukuba ungathini kwindoda elala nomfazi wakho okanye iqabane lomyeni wakho, mhlawumbi ayilona nyathelo lilungileyo lokujongana nabo ngokungxamisekileyo. 

5. Unokonakalisa amathuba akho okuphinda uwakhe umtshato 

Ukungathembeki kunokuba yi-dealbreaker kodwa abantu abaninzi basebenza ngayo kwaye baphume bomelele njengesibini. Inyaniso, uphando ibonisa ukuba i-90% yokuqhatha amaqabane akatshati amaqabane abo. Endaweni yoko, bahlala bebandakanyeka kunyango lwezibini, olunceda kakhulu ekwakhiweni komtshato emva kokuthandana.

Kodwa ukuba uzama ukuwela iqabane lakho kwaye udibane neqabane labo kwangoko, kusenokukubuyisela. Banokuba nomsindo, mhlawumbi bade barhoxe ngokupheleleyo kubudlelwane ngokweemvakalelo nangokwasemzimbeni. Kwaye iya kukushiya ungenayo enye indlela ngaphandle kokulungiselela ukuphela komtshato wakho. U-Devaleena ucebisa ukuba, “Ukuba kuthe kwenzeka ukuthandana, kuthetha ukuba kukho a ukungabikho kokuhloniphana, uthando, uvelwano nokukhathalelana. Leyo yimiba ekufuneka ugxile kuyo kunokuba uqhagamshelane nalo mntu. ”

Sibonisa izinto ezintle nezimbi zokuthetha nesithandwa seqabane lakho. Kodwa isikali sethu sinobunzima obuncinci kwicala elingalunganga. Ngaphambi kokuba uhlalise impendulo eqinile kumbuzo, ngaba ufanele uqhagamshelane nomntu iqabane lakho elikhohlisayo, cinga ixesha elide kunye nobunzima. Kuba oku kungqubana kuya kuba sisihogo seemvakalelo. 

Mhlawumbi kufuneka ucinge ukuyisombulula neqabane lakho endaweni yokutsala umntu wesithathu kwaye uphulukane nesidima sakho kwinkqubo. Kodwa ekugqibeleni, sisigqibo sakho. Kwaye ukuba ufuna naluphi na uncedo nangaliphi na ixesha ukuyigcina kunye, abacebisi abanezakhono nabanamava Iphaneli yeengcali zeBonobology zilapha ngenxa yakho.

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Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.

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