Indlela yokuNceda uMfazi wakho ukuba aphile emva kokuba uqhathiwe-15 Iingcebiso zeNgcali

Ukuba ngoku unengxaki ingcinga ethi, “Andazi ukuba ndingamnceda njani umfazi wam ukuba aphile emva kokuba ndiqhathile,” mhlawumbi ujongene nemiphumo yokreqo lwakho oluza kubonakala mhlawumbi yaye uzaliswe lityala elibuhlungu lokwenza iqabane lakho libandezeleke. Okanye mhlawumbi, uzilungiselela ukuba umxelele ngokungathembeki kwakho. Nokuba yeyiphi na indlela, indlela engaphambili ayizukuba lula. 

Ukunganyaniseki kuzisa inxeba elibi kulwalamano. Kungaba kukufumanisa okutyumzayo kwiqabane eliye laqhathwa kunye nohambo olunzima kunye netyala lomntu okhohlisayo. Ngeemvakalelo eziqhubela phezulu kumacala omabini kunye neentlungu zokungcatshwa zidlula iqhina lakho kunye neqabane lakho, ukucinga indlela yokwenza ukukopela kunye nokusindisa umtshato wakho kunokubonakala ngathi ngumyalelo omde. 

Nangona ukugcina ubudlelwane emva kokungathembeki kunye nokunceda iqabane lakho liphilise kwisibetho sokungcatsha kunzima, akunakwenzeka. Ngoncedo lwengcali yengqondo yeklinikhi Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, iYunivesithi yaseManchester), umseki we-Kornash: Isikolo soLawulo lokuPhila, ojongene neengcebiso zezibini kunye nonyango lwentsapho, sizama ukuqonda ubunzima bokungathembeki kunye nokuba yintoni efunekayo ubudlelwane bokubuyisela kwi-affair emva kokuphulwa kwentembeko yomlinganiselo onjalo.

Ngaba Unokuwusindisa Umtshato Wakho Emva Kokungathembeki?

Ukufumanisa okanye ukuvuma ukungathembeki kunokuziva ngathi kukufa emtshatweni wakho, kodwa impendulo yokuba unokuwusindisa ixhomekeke kumxube wokusebenza nzima, ukunxibelelana ngokunyanisekileyo, kunye nokuvuma. Indlela engaphambili ayiyi kuba lula, kodwa izibini ezininzi azigcini nje ukusinda ekungathembeki-bayaphumelela kubudlelwane babo emva koko.

Sabuza u-Devaleena malunga nethuba lokusindisa umtshato emva kokukopela. Esekela impendulo yakhe kumava akhe okubona abantu abatshatileyo abangaphezu kwewaka kule minyaka ingamashumi amabini idluleyo, uthi, “Xa isibini sijamelene nale ngxaki, sicinga ukuba umtshato waso uye wangquzulana yaye akukho nto siyisindisayo. ukuphuma eluthandweni emva kokungathembeki. Kodwa okuninzi kusenokuguquka. ”

UGqr. John Gottman, ingcali eyaziwayo ngolwalamano, ucebisa ukuba “izinto zenzeka kulwalamano apho amaqabane aziva enganxibelelani ngokweemvakalelo okanye engaxatyiswanga.” Ngoko ke, ukulungisa umtshato kuthetha ukulungisa le miba isisiseko ngokuthe ngqo. 

Undoqo kukuba, akukho mpendulo ilinganayo kumbuzo, ngaba unokuwusindisa umtshato wakho emva kokungathembeki? Lonke ulwalamano lwahlukile njengabantu abakulo. Ukuba umtshato unokusinda okanye awunako ukusinda kwingxaki yokungathembeki kuxhomekeke kumandla obudlelwane phakathi kwamaqabane amabini kwakunye nobume bokreqo. Nazi izinto ezimbalwa apho amathuba okuphumelela axhomekeke kuwo:  

Umtshato unokusindiswa ukuba

Ingcamango, "Ndiqhathile kodwa ndifuna ukugcina ubudlelwane bam,” akwanelanga.” Amandla okusindisa umtshato emva kokukrexeza axhomekeke kwezi nkalo zilandelayo:

• Ukuzibophelela ekwakhiweni ngokutsha kwentembeko: Ukuphinda uwuvuse umtshato kunokwenzeka kuphela xa omabini amaqabane ebonisa ukuzinikela ngokunyanisekileyo ekulungiseni ukuthembana. Izenzo zithetha ngaphezulu kunamagama apha, kwaye ukungaguquguquki ekuhambeni kwexesha ngundoqo
• Unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo: Izibini ezikulungeleyo ukuthetha ngokuphandle ngoko kwakhokelela ekubeni zingathembeki zidla ngokufumanisa izinto ezinzulu ekufuneka zilungise. Kuphela ngokusebenza ngale miba banokulungisa ubudlelwane babo. 
• Ukukulungela ukuxolela: Ukuxolela akuyonto ekhawulezileyo kodwa yinkqubo kancinane. Ukuba iqabane lakho lizimisele ukusebenzela ukuxolelwa, ubudlelwane bunethemba
• Ukufuna uncedo lwengcali: Ukufuna ingcebiso yomtshato emva kokuthandana kunokuncedisa ekuphiliseni, ukuvumela amaqabane ukuba afumane indlela yokujongana neentlungu kunye nokwakha unxibelelwano
• Umbono ekwabelwana ngawo wekamva: Ukuba nobabini nisabona ikamva kunye kwaye nizimisele ukwenza umgudu wokulifikelela, umtshato wenu unethuba lokulwa.

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Umtshato awunakusindiswa ukuba 

Kwelinye icala, unokuqhubeka uzibuza, “Ndimqhathile umfazi wam, ndingayilungisa njani?” zide zigoduke iinkomo kodwa awuyi kubona nkqubela phambili yokwenene ekulungiseni ubudlelwane bakho ukuba kukho:

• Ukungabikho koxanduva lokuphendula: Ukuba njengeqabane elingathembekanga, uyala ukuthatha uxanduva okanye uhlale uzithethelela izenzo zakho, ukwakha ngokutsha ukuthembana iba yinto engenakwenzeka
• Ukunganyaniseki okuzingisileyo: Ithuba lesibini lifuna ukungafihli ngokupheleleyo. Ukusuka kwizenzo ezincinci ezinjengokugcina ukubonakala kwefowuni emva kokukopela ukubeka phambili unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo nolunyanisekileyo, kufuneka uvumele iqabane lakho libone ukuba lingaqala ukukuthemba, kancinci kancinci. Ubuxoki obuqhubekayo, kungakhathaliseki ukuba buncinane kangakanani na, bunokuthintela ukuphiliswa kokwenene
• Umonakalo ongenakulungiseka ngokweemvakalelo: Kwabanye abantu, ukungcatshwa kunzulu kakhulu. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, kungakhathaliseki ukuba ungakanani umsebenzi owenzayo ekufumaneni indlela yokwenza ukukopela, amanxeba angokweemvakalelo akanakuphola.
• Ukungabikho kwemigudu efanayo: Ukugcina umtshato kuba nzima ukuba iqabane lakho liqala ukusebenzisa izikreqo zakho njengesixhobo somntu omnye. Ukuba babeka yonke i-onus yokulungisa ubudlelwane kuwe kwaye basebenzise ukungcatsha kwakho njengesixhobo sokukubeka phantsi, inkqubo iba kwicala elinye kwaye ayizinzi.
• Iipateni eziphindaphindiweyo: Ukuba ukungathembeki ngumba oqhubekayo kubudlelwane, kudla ngokuba luphawu lwemiba enzulu njengoloyiko lokuzibophelela okanye ukungabi nantlonipho ekunzima ukuyilungisa.

Kuthatha ixesha elingakanani ukuba uMfazi afumane i-Affair?

Akukho xesha limiselweyo lokuphiliswa kumonzakalo wokungcatshwa. Luhambo olunzulu lomntu kwaye lunokwahluka ngokubanzi ukusuka komnye umntu ukuya komnye. Ekubeni uqhathiwe, umfazi wakho usenokuba neemvakalelo ezixubene kakhulu—umsindo, ubuhlungu, ukungcatshwa, usizi, nethemba loxolo. Oko kwathiwa, ukuqonda amanqanaba okuphilisa kunokukunceda wena kunye neqabane lakho ukuba nihambe kolu hambo.

UGqr. Janis Abrahms Spring, umbhali we Emva kweAffair, uyacacisa, “Ukuphiliswa kukungathembeki lugqatso lomgama, hayi ukubaleka. Kuthatha ixesha ukulungisa ukungcatshwa, ukwakha ukuthembana, kunye nokuphinda ufumane ubuhlobo obusondeleyo. ” Ngokwe-avareji, ukuchacha kunokuthatha naphi na ukusuka kwiinyanga ezintandathu ukuya kwiminyaka emibini, kuxhomekeka kwiimeko kunye neendlela zokuhlangabezana nemeko yomfazi wakho ngamnye nantsi into anokuthi adlule kuyo umfazi wakho emva kokufumanisa ukungathembeki kwakho, okumele kukunike uqikelelo lwexesha elinokumthatha ukuba aphile.

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Iiveki ezimbalwa zokuqala—Umothuko nokuphazamiseka ngokweemvakalelo

Eli lixesha apho iimvakalelo zithe kratya. Umfazi wakho usenokungakholelwa, abe nomsindo, okanye abe lusizi kakhulu. Kungokwemvelo ukubuza yonke into ngeli nqanaba—umtshato wakho, wena, kunye nokuzixabisa kwakhe. Ukuzinyamekela kunye nokudala indawo yokujongana neemvakalelo kubalulekile ngeli nqanaba.

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Ebudeni beli xesha, umfazi wakho usenokuqalisa ukushukuma ekothukeni ukusa ekwamkeleni oko kwenzekileyo, nangona intlungu isenokuyiva. Usenokuba namava Uxinzelelo lwasemva kokungathembeki. Ukuba, ngeli xesha, ubonakalisa ukuzisola uze uthabathe amanyathelo okuvuselela ukuthembana, umfazi wakho usenokuqalisa ukuziva amalangatye ethemba, yaye inkqubo yokuchacha emva kokukrexeza inokuqalisa. Ukucebisa ngomtshato emva kokuthandana kunokuba luncedo kakhulu ngeli nqanaba ukukhupha iimvakalelo kunye nokusebenza ekuqondeni "kutheni" emva kokuthandana.

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Esi sigaba sisoloko siphawulwa yinkqubela ecothayo. Ukuba uxolelwaniso luphezu kwetafile, ukuthembela kuyakhiwa ngokuthe ngcembe ngezenzo ezingaguqukiyo kunye unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo. Kungenjalo, ukuba umfazi wakho ugqiba kwelokuba umtshato awunakuhlangulwa, kulapho anokuqalisa khona ukucwangcisa ikamva lakhe ngaphandle kwakho. UDevaleena uthi, “Izinto zinokunyanzela izibini ukuba zijamelane nemibandela ebeziyigqugqisile kangangeminyaka.

I-1 ukuya kwi-2 iminyaka-Ukuphilisa kunye nokuqhubela phambili

Ngeli xesha, umfazi wakho usenokuqalisa ukuziva elungelelene ngokweemvakalelo. Isibakala sokuba umqhathile sisenokuba sisebuhlungu, kodwa ayisalawuleki engqondweni yakhe. Oku kuxa inkqubo ye ukwakha ubuhlobo obusondeleyo emva kokungathembeki iqala ngokunyanisekileyo kwaye imvakalelo yesiqhelo ithatha ingcambu ukuba omabini amaqabane azibophelele kwinkqubo. Kwelinye icala, ukuba umtshato awuzange uphumelele, wena nowayesakuba ngumfazi wakho nisenokuqalisa ukuphinda nizibone ukuba ungubani na ngaphandle kolwalamano.

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Ngaphantsi kweminyaka emi-2-Isigqibo kunye neziqalo ezintsha

Kwabaninzi, isigqibo sokwenene—enoba sitshatile okanye sibodwa—sinokuthabatha iminyaka emibini. Emva kweminyaka embalwa, ukuthandana kuba yinxalenye yebali lakhe kodwa akusamchazi. Oku kuxa uxolelo lokwenyaniso lungena. Ekugqibeleni, ixesha elingakanani ukuba umfazi athabathe iqabane lakhe kuxhomekeke kwizinto ezifana nobunzulu bokungcatshwa, inqanaba lokuzisola eliboniswa liqabane lakhe, nokomelela kwakhe ngokweemvakalelo. Njengoko usenokuba ubonile, ukuphelisa lo mba akuyomfuneko ukuba kulingane noxolelwaniso. 

Ngapha koko, ngokuka isifundo, Ukuvuma ukukopela: Ukuphonononga indlela abantu abanyanisekileyo abathetha ngayo malunga nokungathembeki kwabo, eyenze uhlolisiso kubantu abangama-441 abavuma ukunganyaniseki namaqabane abo, umphumo ubonisa ukuba kwabo baphendulayo, i-54.5% yaqhekeka ngokukhawuleza emva koko, i-30% yazama ukuhlala kunye kodwa yahlukana ekugqibeleni, kwaye i-15.6% yayisekunye.

Ngoku, i-15.6% inokubonakala incinci kakhulu okanye inani elikhulu kakhulu ngokuxhomekeke kwinto obuyilindele kulo mbuzo. Kodwa masikukhumbuze ukuba uninzi lwezifundo zinezithintelo zendalo, ezifana nenani elilinganiselweyo labaphenduli. Ngaphandle koko, i-15.6% yabantu be-441 basengabantu abangama-68 ubuhlobo babo basinda nasemva kweengxaki zomtshato ezifana nokungathembeki. 

'Indlela yokumnceda umfazi wam ukuba aphile emva kokuba ndiqhathe': 15 Amanyathelo acetyiswa yingcaphephe

Njengoko besitshilo, izinto ezininzi ezizodwa ziya kuba nefuthe kuhambo lwakho kunye neqabane lakho kula maxesha anzima. Usenokuzibuza, “Ndingamnceda njani umfazi wam ukuba aphile emva kokuba ndiqhathiwe?”, kodwa umphumo uya kuxhomekeka kubuchule bomfazi wakho bokukuxolela nokuphilisa.

Ukwenzakala kwakhe kwasebuntwaneni, i-carryover intlungu evela ubudlelwane obudlulileyo, ulwalamano lwakhe neempawu ezinjengothando nokuthembana, namandla akhe okuba novelwano kuya kuchaphazela indlela anokuhamba ngokukhawuleza ngayo kulo mqobo. Ngelixa iingcebiso zesibini okanye unyango lomntu ngamnye lunokukunceda ukuba usebenze ngemiba yakho, ezi zenzo zilandelayo ziya kukuvumela ukuba ubeke isiseko esiqinileyo sokuphiliswa ukuba kwenzeke.

1. Thatha uxanduva 

Ukuba uyazibuza, "Ndiqhathile kodwa ndifuna ukugcina ubudlelwane bam. Ndingenza ntoni ukunceda umfazi wam ukuba aphile kwaye andibuyisele kwakhona?, Inyathelo lokuqala kolu hambo lude, lunzima oluphambi kwakho kukuthatha uxanduva olupheleleyo ngezenzo zakho. Ukuphendula akubalulekanga nje kuphela ukunceda umfazi wakho aphumelele kwintlungu yokungcatshwa kodwa kwakhona ukukunceda ujonge ubutyala kunye neentloni. Kubeka uhambo olufanelekileyo kunye nokulungiselela uhambo olufanelekileyo. yokulungisa nokuphilisa amanxeba abangelwe nguwe akukho lula, ukutsho nje kancinci uDevaleena uthi, “Kunokuba uzame ukuvala umlomo into oyenzileyo, hlutha uxanduva kubudlelwane bakho. Iqabane lakho lifuna inyaniso kunye nokucaciswa ngaphezu kwayo nantoni na, okwangoku. "

Ukuthatha uxanduva olupheleleyo kukwabandakanya ukuqinisekisa ukuba uqhawule lonke unxibelelwano nomntu obumqhatha naye. Kufuneka uphinde uzinikele kubudlelwane bakho ukuba ufuna ngokwenene ukufumana indlela yokugcina umtshato emva kokuthandana. Ukuba ubona umntu obumqhatha yonke imihla—ngokomzekelo kwindawo osebenza kuyo—kufuneka umbekele imida ecacileyo. 

2. Mxelele yonke inyani ukuze uncede umfazi wakho aphile emva kokuba umqhathile

U-Devaleena uthetha ngamava xa ethetha ukuba kukho isiluleko esithandwayo isibini esiva kwintlalontle yabo, "Ukuba inyaniso ibuhlungu, kungcono ukuba ungahambi apho", okanye "Kungcono ungangeni kwiinkcukacha ze-gory". Kodwa kuba buhlungu ngakumbi kwiqabane lakho xa lingayazi eyona nto yenzekileyo ligqibe ekubeni licingele. Iyakwazi nokumenza uziva ngathi akakwazi ukudlula kukungathembeki kwakho. 

Ukuze ube nomfanekiso ocacileyo, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba iqabane elingathembekanga libe nenyani ngoko kwenzekileyo. Mnike elubala ngokupheleleyo ngento eyenzekayo. Ubuxoki budla ngokuvela kwakhona kwaye bubangele umonakalo kwisidima somntu oqhathiweyo. I cheated on mfazi wam, ndingayilungisa njani, uyabuza? Kulungile konke. Yiba sesichengeni.

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3. Mvumele ixesha nendawo ukuba aqhubeke

Ewe, kubalulekile ukumxelela yonke into, kodwa ngesantya akhululekile ngaso. Awukwazi ukuhamba ngokukhawuleza izigaba zokubuyisela ukungathembeki. Ukufumanisa ukuba ubani uqhathwa yintlungu engathethekiyo enokukhokelela kwingxaki enkulu emtshatweni. Uza kufuna ixesha lokujongana nayo.

Mvumele ixesha kunye nendawo yokuqhuba iindaba kwaye ulinde ukuba akunike imvume yokumxelela yonke into afuna ukuyazi. Ukuthetha ngezikreqo zakho kuya kuba nzima. Kodwa usukelo lwenu olufanayo—lokuba nifuna ukunceda umfazi wakho nolwalamano lwenu luphole kukwenzakala okubangelwe kukudandatheka—kunokuba yi-ankile ekuncedayo ukoyisa le nkalo inzima yokunceda umfazi wakho aphile kwintlungu yokungcatshwa kwakho.

4. Cela uxolo ngokunyanisekileyo ukuze nilungise umtshato wakho

Unokunceda njani umfazi wam ukuba aphilise emva kokuba ndiqhathile, uyabuza? Unikela ngokusuka entliziyweni, uxolo olunyanisekileyo. Oko kuquka ukuvuma oko kwenzekileyo, ukuvuma iimpazamo zakho, ukuvuma intlungu oyibangeleyo, uze uthembise ukuba awuyi kuphinda. Akunakwenzeka ukuba umfazi wakho avume uxolo lwakho okokuqala, akuxolele, kwaye ulungele ukuqhubela phambili kulo mqobo. Endaweni yoko, uya kuhlangabezana nokukhalinyelwa kunye nokwala kweqabane lakho ukuthembela kuwe kwakhona. Naleyo iyinxalenye yenkqubo.

UDevaleena uyalumkisa, "Inqanaba emva kokuhlambuluka kwiqabane lakho libaluleke kakhulu. Lumka, kuninzi ukuthuka kunye nokuhlazeka. Umntu oqhathileyo, kulo mzekelo, wena, uhlala ebuyela emva. Ukuba wenza oko, kuya kwenza kubonakale kwiqabane lakho ukuba awuzisoli nokuzisola."

Ucebisa ngelithi, “Ngokuchukumisa nje ukuthobeka, zixhathise iimvakalelo ezisuka komnye umntu. Kufuneka ube nomonde kakhulu.” Ukuziphendulela owazivayo malunga nesiphumo sokungathembeki kwakho kufuneka kukuncede ube nomonde. Ngapha koko, akukho xabiso lophando malunga nendlela yokusindisa umtshato emva kokuthandana kuya kukunceda ngaphandle kokuba ukhokele ngokuxolisa ngokunyanisekileyo.

5. Mqinisekise rhoqo ukumnceda ukuba aphile kumonzakalo wokungcatshwa

Xa ukukrexeza kubhencekile, umfazi wakho uya kuxutyushwa ziingcebiso ezivela kubahlobo nakwintsapho, eziya kumxelela izinto ezinjengokuthi “Okanye umqhathi, uhlala eqhatha” okanye “Yiba ulungile, kuya kwenzeka kwakhona.” Abantu abatshintshi. "Ezi aphorisms ziyimiqobo kwinkqubo yokwakha kwakhona ubudlelwane bakho. Kuya kufuneka usebenze ngokuchasene nezi ngxaki kwaye unike umfazi wakho isiqinisekiso esiqhubekayo," utshilo uDevaleena.

Kufuneka unikeze ngokuphindaphindiweyo ngomlomo isiqinisekiso sothando lwakho kunye nokuqinisekiswa ngezenzo zakho. Umonde owubonisayo, ukuzinikela kwakho ekuhlonipheni imida yakhe, kunye nokuphendula imibuzo yakhe zonke ziyinxalenye yezigaba zakhe zokuphilisa emva kokungathembeki. Eli licebiso elisisiseko kodwa elisisiseko malunga nendlela yokuphumelela umfazi wakho emva kokukopela.

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6. Sebenzela ekupholiseni ukuthembana

Qwalasela oku. UDevaleena uthi: “Xa abantu abatshatileyo befika kwiofisi yonyango, isikhalo esixhaphakileyo seqabane eliqhathiweyo kukuba bekukho ukutshintshiselana ngeemvakalelo kunye nenkathalo phakathi kweqabane lalo kunye neqabane lomtshato, nto leyo abangayifuniyo,” utsho uDevaleena. Le yimvakalelo esebenzayo umfazi wakho afanele abe nayo.

Umfazi wakho akayi kufuna kuphela uthando oluvela kuwe kodwa kwanaloo nto acinga ukuba ubunamandla okupha omnye umntu. Kuya kufuneka ubonakalise ngakumbi inkathalo kunye nothando lwakho. Ukwakha kwakhona ukuthembana emva kokungathembeki inokwenzeka ngokuhambelana kunye nokuqikelelwa. Makhe sijonge iindlela ezimbalwa zokubonisa umfazi wakho ukuba ufanelekile ukuthembela kuye kwaye uthathe inyathelo lokuqala lokwakha ubuhlobo obusondeleyo emva kokungathembeki:

• Gcina izithembiso zakho, nabancinci
• Yihlonele imida yakhe ngokweemvakalelo nasemzimbeni
• Qaphela imvume
• Veza xa usitsho. Yenza le ubuthe uya kuyenza
• Libambe ixesha. Nezinto ezincinci ziyadibanisa
• Okokuqala, yakha kwakhona ubuhlobo kunye neqabane lakho. Yakha phezu kwayo kancinane

7. Mbuze ukuba yintoni ayifunayo ukuze anyange

UDevaleena ukubiza oku njengemfuneko yobuntununtunu kunyango lomtshato kwaye uyakucebisa ukuba ukwenze. Uthi, "Sihlala sicinga ukuba iqabane lethu lifuna ntoni. Kulapho siye singahambi kakuhle khona. Ndinyanzelisa ukuba ubuze iqabane lakho ukuba lifuna ntoni na." Iqabane elingathembekanga lidla ngokulungiswa kwiimpendulo zangaphandle malunga nendlela yokwenza ukukopela ukuba balibale ukuphendukela kwiqabane labo abafuna ukuxhalaba. 

Akunakubakho ngcebiso efanelekileyo malunga nendlela yokuphumelela umfazi wakho emva kokukopela. Mbuze nje ukuba yintoni na ayifunayo-inokuba yiyo nantoni na ukusuka kwixesha elingakumbi ukuya kumgama obonakalayo, inyaniso epheleleyo, okanye ukusekwa kwakhona imida emtshatweni wakho. Ukukunika umbono, inkosikazi yakho inokukucela ukuba:

• Soloko uthatha ifowuni yakhe, nokuba uphi na
• Yiza ekhaya ngexesha
• Gcina ukubonakala kwefowuni emva kokukopela kunye nokumnika ukufikelela kwizixhobo zakho
• Ukudibana nabahlobo bakho basemsebenzini rhoqo
• Yiba neempelaveki ezingenafowuni nawe

8. Yazisa kwaye uqinisekise intlungu yakhe ngaphandle kokuzikhusela

Xa umfazi wakho evakalisa intlungu yakhe, kufuneka umbonise ukuba uyayiqonda ngokwenene imeko yakhe kwaye uyaziqinisekisa iimvakalelo zakhe. Kuphephe ukuzithethelela, ukususa ityala, okanye ukuzama “ukulungisa” izinto ngokukhawuleza. Kunoko, nikela ingqalelo ekubenikho nokuba novelwano. 

Ngokomzekelo, ukuba ucatshukiswa yindlela omxokise ngayo okanye ubuchwechwa kanye phantsi kwakhe, phendula ngovelwano uze uthi, “Ndiyayibona indlela okuye kwabuhlungu ngayo oku, yaye ndiyazisola ngokuyibangela le ntlungu. Kuphephe ukuthetha izinto ezinje, “Kodwa ibingeyonto inzulu kangako” okanye “Kutheni usacaphukile nje?” Ukuqinisekisa intlungu yakhe kubonisa ukuba uzimisele ukuvuma impembelelo epheleleyo yezenzo zakho. Ibonisa ukuba ubeka phambili ukuphiliswa kwakhe ngaphezu kokungonwabi kwakho.

9. Yiba nomonde ngemibuzo ephindaphindiweyo okanye ukugqabhuka ngokweemvakalelo

Ukuphilisa akuhambelani, kwaye inkosikazi yakho inokuphinda ijonge iintlungu izihlandlo ezininzi. Kusenokubonakala ngathi uyaphilisa emva kokungathembeki kwaye esenza ngcono ngokwasemoyeni, emva koko, ngaphandle kwendawo, unokuya kwindawo ejikelezayo apho ecela ukuphindaphinda. imibuzo malunga nokungathembeki, ukhala ngokungalindelekanga, okanye ubonakalisa umsindo ngaphandle kwesizathu. 

Echaza indlela okuqheleke ngayo oku, u-Devaleena uthi, “Iqabane elingcatshiweyo kufuneka liphinde lijonge iinkcukacha zomtshato ukuze aqonde ukuba kwenzeke ntoni na nokuba kutheni. Xa ephinda ebuyela kumxholo, musa ukukhupha amehlo okanye ukuncwina. Kunoko, phulaphula ngenyameko uze uphendule ngokuqonda: “Ndiyazi ukuba sikhe sathetha ngale nto ngaphambili, kodwa ndiza kuphendula nayiphi na imibuzo onayo izihlandlo ezininzi kangangoko ufuna.” Ukukwazi kwakho ukuhlala uzolile kunye nomonde kula maxesha kuya kumbonisa ukuba uzimisele ukumxhasa nokuba kuthatha ixesha elingakanani.

10. Bonisa umzamo ongaguqukiyo kwizenzo ezincinci zemihla ngemihla

Ukuba uyazibuza, "Ndimqhathile umfazi wam, ndingayilungisa njani?", Yazi ukuba "ukulungisa" ayisosenzo sexesha elinye. Ukumnceda ukuba aphile kwaye aphile kumothuko wokungcatshwa, kufuneka ubonise izenzo ezincinci zobubele kunye noxanduva ngokungaguqukiyo ukubonisa ukuba uthembekile kwaye uzama ngokunyanisekileyo. Yakha kwakhona uthando olulahlekileyo kunye noqhagamshelwano. Ukumbonisa ukuba utyale imali kubudlelwane, unga: 

• Thatha inyathelo lokuqala kwimisebenzi yemihla ngemihla aqhele ukuyenza, njengokupheka isidlo sangokuhlwa, ukuhlamba impahla, okanye ukuchola abantwana.
• Mshiyele umyalezo osuka entliziyweni othi, “Ndiyakuthanda kwaye ndiyabulela” 
• Ceba urhatya oluzolileyo kunye apho anokuphumla kwaye azive ekhathalelwe.

Ezi ntshukumo zincinci kodwa zicingayo zisebenza kakhulu kunezimbo zomzimba ezinkulu ezifana nezidlo ezimnandi okanye izipho ezigqithisileyo. Njengoko uDevaleena esitsho, "Ukuphilisa kuvela kumzamo ongaguqukiyo ngokuhamba kwexesha."

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Izinto ezili-9 ezikhawulezileyo omawuzenze xa ubanjwa uqhatha

11. Yiqonde indlela ukuthandana kwakhe okuchaphazele ngayo umfazi wakho

Ukungathembeki kudla ngokushiya iqabane elingcatshiweyo lithandabuza ukuxabiseka nokunqweneleka kwalo. Umfazi wakho usenokuthi cwaka (okanye ngokuphandle) azibuze enoba “akakoneli” kusini na kuwe. Ukujongana noku kungaqiniseki kunye namathandabuzo kuya kuhamba indlela ende ekumqinisekiseni ukuba ukuthandana yayingelotyala lakhe kwaye kuphinde kwakhiwe ukuzithemba kwakhe.

Nokuba umfazi wakho akaphumi aze akubuze, “Kutheni ndingakufanelanga nje?” okanye “Yintoni awandinika yona endingazange ndikwazi ukuyenza?”, kusenokwenzeka ukuba le mibuzo imkhathazayo. Unokuzithomalalisa ezi ngcinga zikhathazayo ngokuqinisekisa rhoqo iimpawu zakhe. Thetha izinto ezinje, "Ungumntu ongakholelekiyo, kwaye ndiyazisola ngokukwenza ukuthandabuza oko." Mncome inkangeleko, ubukrelekrele, okanye amandla okumkhumbuza ngokubaluleka kwakhe.

12. Yamkele into yokuba intembeko mayifunyanwe, ingafunwa

Ekubeni ucinga ukuba, “Ndifuna ukwazi indlela yokumnceda umfazi wam aphile emva kokuba ndiqhathile,” akuthethi ukuba unelungelo lokukuthemba. Kungakhathaliseki ukuba ukuzisola kwakho ngokwenene okanye umnqweno wokuvuselela ubudlelwane, awukwazi ukulindela ukuba "aqhubele phambili" kwaye aqale ukukuthemba kwakhona ngokungathi akukho nto yenzekileyo. 

Ukuthembela sisiseko sayo nayiphi na ubudlelwane kwaye ukungathembeki kuyawaphula ngokupheleleyo. Ukukhawulezisa inkqubo yokwakha kwakhona le trust kuya kumtyhalela kude. Kuya kufuneka ufumane ukuthembela kwakhe kwakhona ngokubonisa usuku nosuku, ukunyaniseka, kunye nokubonisa ukuthembeka. Nantsi indlela: 

• Zibophelele ekuhleni
• Yabelana ngezicwangciso zakho zemihla ngemihla
• Zigcine ngokwelizwi lakho
• Yiphephe nayiphi na into enokubangela ukukrokra, njengokuyimfihlo kwifowuni yakho
• Ukuba uthe uza kufowuna ngexesha elithile okanye ube sekhaya kwangethuba, qiniseka ukuba uyalandela

13. Ziqaphele kwaye ulungise izinto ezibangela umfazi wakho emva kokuqhathwa

Iindawo ezithile, iincoko, okanye iziganeko ezithile zisenokumkhumbuza umfazi wakho ngalo mba, zimenze aphinde abuyele kwintlungu yakhe. Ezi zinto zivuselelayo emva kokuqhathwa azinakuthintelwa kodwa kufuneka ziphathwe ngovakalelo. Ukuba akakhululekanga ukuba uye kwindawo ethile enxulumene nokuthandana, kuphephe ngokupheleleyo. 

Ukuba ucaphukile kukubona izinto ezithile kwifowuni yakho, zibophelele ekuhleni kwefowuni emva kokukopela okanye ubeke imida ecacileyo kunye. Yithi, “Ndiyaqonda ukuba oku kukukhumbuza okwenzekileyo, kwaye ndiza kwenza konke endinako ukukunceda uzive ukhuselekile.” Okona kubaluleke kakhulu, musa ukumbeka ityala okanye umphoxe ngokuqhutywa. Asiyonto anokuyilawula le. Indima yakho kukuzama ukuyiqonda imeko atyhubela kuyo kwaye uthathe amanyathelo okumenza azive ekhuselekile kwaye exhaswa.

14. Sebenzela ekubuyiseleni ukusondelelana ngokweemvakalelo, hayi ngokwasemzimbeni kuphela

Ukuvuselela ubuhlobo obusondeleyo emva kokungathembeki yenye yezona zinto zinzima kakhulu zokuvuselela ubudlelwane. Kuya kufuneka ukhumbule ukuba ayilobudlelwane obusondeleyo bomzimba kuphela obuthatha inyathelo emva kokuqhatha, ukusondelelana ngokweemvakalelo ubandezeleka ngakumbi. UDevaleena uthi: “Umfazi wakho usenokuziva ekhululekile ngokweemvakalelo okanye akakuthandi ukuthetha nawe.” Ukulungisa le nkalo yolwalamano lwakho ngundoqo ukuze uphile ixesha elide. Ukwenza umfazi wakho azive ekhululekile ukuba sengozini kunye nokwabelana ngeemvakalelo nawe, kufuneka wenze njalo 

• Cwangcisa ixesha elisemgangathweni ngaphandle kweziphazamiso
• Yiba “ngokuhlola ngokweemvakalelo” rhoqo apho umbuza ukuba uziva njani
• Yabelana ngeemvakalelo zakho ngokuphandle
• Kuphephe ukumnyanzela ukuba asondelelane phambi kokuba alungele ngokweemvakalelo

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Uluhlu lweengcaphephe ngaphandle 9 Iziphumo zokukopela kubudlelwane

15. Gxininisa ekuziphuculeni ixesha elide

Enye yezona ndlela ziluncedo zokunceda umfazi wakho aphile emva kokuba umqhathile kukumvumela abone ukuba usijonga ngokunyanisekileyo isizathu sokuba ubuqhathile, nokuba yimibandela yobuqu engaconjululwanga, ubuchule bokunxibelelana okanye ukungafezeki. iimfuno zeemvakalelo, nokwenza iinzame zokulungisa oonobangela bobugwenxa bakho. 

Oku kuya kumnceda abone ukuba uzimisele ngokuba liqabane elingcono kwaye awusayi kuphinda wehle ngendlela efanayo. Ukuzisebenzela, ungacinga ngokuya kunyango, okanye ujoyine iqela lenkxaso ukuze ujonge indlela oziphethe ngayo. Qiniseka ukuba uyabelana naye ngenkqubela yakho, ngamaxesha athile, uthi, “Ndifunda indlela yokuthetha bhetele” okanye “Ndizama ukulungisa ukungaqiniseki kwam.”

Iingcinga Final

Uyayikhumbula i-aphorism ekumele ukuba uyivile amatyeli aliqela kolu hambo kwaye besikhe sayikhankanya ngaphambili, "Ukuthembana kufana neglasi, xa yophukile, ukuqhekeka kuhlala kubonakala." Ungakuvumeli ukuba kukudimaze. Jonga lo mgca wombhali weengoma uLeonard Cohen endaweni yoko. “Kukho ukuqhekeka kuyo yonke into, yindlela ukukhanya okungena ngayo."

Ukuba wena kunye neqabane lakho niyakwazi ukusibona esi sigaba, oku kuqhekeka kuya kwenza ubudlelwane benu bomelele. Eli isenokuba lithuba lokulungisa imiba eyayikho emtshatweni wakho ngaphambi kokuba kwenzeke ukungathembeki.

Iimvakalelo ezili-11 umntu azidlulayo emva kokuba eQhethiwe

Njani Ukukopela Kuchaphazela Umfazi - Isishwankathelo nguNgcali

Iindlela ezili-11 zokuqhathwa ziTshintsha

Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.

Jonga Inkqubo yethu yokuHlela

Dibana neBhodi yethu yoHlolo

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