Urooj Ashfaq, i-comic stand-up wayenyanisile xa wayesithi, "Kukho abantu ababini abakwi-casual relationship - umntu omnye ungumntu ongaqhelekanga kwaye omnye umntu kubudlelwane. Abazange baxelelene". Ukuba wena, njengaye, usoloko ungumntu ongenguye *ongaqhelekanga* kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo, ukwazi ukuba imiqondiso yobudlelwane obuqhelekileyo iya iba yinto enzulu kunokubeka umdlalo wakho ekunene.
Ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo, apho kungekho sibophelelo sokuzibophelela kwaye kungekho neleyibhile nokuba kuvakala kumnandi kakhulu kwaye kuyaphupha ekuqaleni xa uqala ukubona umntu. Kodwa imigca ephakathi kwe "casual" kunye "no serious" idla ngokuba mfiliba ngokuhamba kwexesha njengoko usiya usondela komnye umntu.
Oku kunokukushiya ubhidekile, kwaye ngamanye amaxesha kwakhona, intliziyo ilihlwili kakhulu. Unokufuna umhlaba ophakathi phakathi kokuxhuma kunye nokuzibophelela kubudlelwane. Kodwa, ngaba oku kuthetha ukuba ungabaxelela ukuba uyabakhumbula? Ngaba ungababiza ukuba bakukhuphe xa unosuku olubi? Yintoni omele uyenze okanye ungayenzi yokubona umntu nje?
Yintoni kanye onokuyenza kubudlelwane obude? Ingakanani into omele ukuyiveza ngaphandle kokuvakala unqwenela into enzulu kodwa ungavakali unqwenela ukwabelana ngesondo? Kwaye kwenzeka ntoni xa uqala ukubamba iimvakalelo ze-fling? Imibuzo eza nalo mmandla ayinasiphelo kodwa namhlanje sinokukunika iimpendulo ezimbalwa.
Wazi Njani Ukuba Ubudlelwane Obuqhelekileyo Buba Bunzulu?
Isiqulatho
Sonke siyayikhumbula imovie Abahlobo abaneZibonelelo apho abahlobo ababini bagqiba kwelokuba bayigcine ngokwasemzimbeni nje phakathi kwabo kodwa ekugqibeleni bathandane. Abazange babone imiqondiso yokuba ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzulu kwaye kwenzeka nje uhlobo. Eli licebo lamahlaya amaninzi othando kwaye oko kugqibela kusenzeka ngokwenyani.
Umzuzu omnye, uyayithanda i-non-monogamy kunye nokugcina iinketho zivulekile. Okulandelayo, ngaphandle kokuqaphela, ugqiba ukuziva unganelisekanga ngokweemvakalelo okanye ubi nakakhulu, "usetyenziswa". Ke ngoko, udinga imaphu yendlela eyiyo ekuncedayo ukuba ubone ukuba i-equation yakho ayiqhelekanga ngokwenene okanye hayi. Kwaye ewe, ngokuphindaphindiweyo kunokuba, ukwabelana ngesondo ngokungaqhelekanga kuguquka kunzulu. Ngokutsho kolu hlolisiso, ukuba neentlobano zesini nomntu ongathandani naye okanye ukuqalisa ulwalamano ‘lokwabelana ngesondo kuphela’ kunokukhokelela ekubeni isibini sikhulise iimvakalelo omnye komnye.
Esona sizathu sokuba ungene kwinto eqhelekileyo kukuba unjalo awukalungeli nantoni na enzulu ngelo xesha. Kwaye ke, kukho iingxaki zobudlelwane nomntu ongathandani naye. Ukuphepha njani ukuwela kulo mgibe? Ngokugcina iliso ngaphandle kwezi zibonakaliso zicacileyo ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzima.
1. Ukuziva uvakalelo ngokusondelelana ngokwasemzimbeni
Ukuba nobabini niziva ngokweemvakalelo malunga nokusondelana ngokwasemzimbeni, oko luphawu lokuba anithandananga ngokungekho semthethweni. Ukuba kukho ukudibana kwamehlo amaninzi xa usenza okanye ukwanga ixesha elide kunye nokugonwa okungapheliyo, yazi ukuba isikhephe se "casual" sele sihambile. Ukuba ujonge iimpawu ezithandwa nguwe, cinga ngendlela abazenza ngayo emva kwesondo. Ngaba kukho ukugonwa okuninzi? Okanye intetho eninzi yomqamelo?
Ukuba usoloko ebamba isandla sakho, akuphuze ebunzi, aze afune ukuchitha ixesha nawe naxa kungekho sini esibandakanyekayo, oko kubonisa ukuba ufuna ubuhlobo obunzulu nawe. Okanye ukuba ufuna ukugonwa emva kwesondo, oko kubonisa ukuba izinto azisekho kwindawo eqhelekileyo.
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2. Ukuba sengozini kuphakathi kwemiqondiso efuna ubuhlobo obunzulu nawe
Yazi ukuba ubamba iimvakalelo kubudlelwane obungenamsebenzi xa niqala ukuba sesichengeni omnye nomnye ngezinto ezinikhathazayo okanye ezisengqondweni yenu. Ukuba uneencoko ezinzulu nezisuka entliziyweni kunye nabo malunga nobomi, oko luphawu ukuba ubudlelwane buba nzulu nalo mntu.
Ngokutsho kukaHelen Fisher, i-anthropologist ye-biological kunye noPhando oluPhezulu kwi-Kinsey Institute, iYunivesithi yase-Indiana, umsebenzi wesondo ukhokelela ekukhululweni kwe-dopamine kwingqondo, enokuthi ibangele ukuwa kumntu. Kuye udliwanondlebe, uyachaza, “Xa umntu efumana i-orgasm, kukho umkhukula wokwenene weoxytocin nevasopressin, imichiza esengqondweni enxulunyaniswa nokuncamathela okunzulu.”
Xa uqala ukubamba iimvakalelo zomntu, uya kuqaphela indlela otsaleleke ngayo ngokupheleleyo kuye. Ukuba uyabaqaphela basoloko bekutsalela umnxeba emva komsebenzi okanye besabelana ngeemvakalelo zabo ezinzulu nawe, yazi ke ukuba ungaphaya kwesigaba 'sokuqhagamshelwa'.
3. Uziva ngathi 'ndiyakuthanda' okanye 'Ndiyakuthanda' kubo
Ukuba nabani na kuni othe ngempazamo wathi 'Ndiyakuthanda' okanye uyisebeze phantsi komphefumlo wakho, luphawu lokuba ubudlelwane obungenasthuthwane buba nzulu. Uyazi ukuba ufuna okungaphaya kokuqhelekileyo ukuba uhlala ekuxelela indlela akuthanda ngayo. Umbuzo omele uzibuze wona ngowokuba — Ngaba uthandana nomntu ngokungaqhelekanga okanye unethemba lokuba ekugqibeleni oku kuya kukhokelela kwinto enzulu ngakumbi?
Ukuba namathemba obuxoki kunye nokunganxibelelani kakuhle kunokukutshabalalisa. Ke, kusoloko kungcono ukunyaniseka malunga neemvakalelo zakho, kunye neqabane lakho kunye nawe. Kucace gca engqondweni yakho ukuba kutheni uthandana ngokungaqhelekanga kwaye yintoni kanye kanye oyifunayo komnye umntu. Ngaphandle koko, kunokukhokelela ekubhidekeni okuninzi kwaye iimpawu ezixubileyo.
4. Ukunikisana ngezipho
Ukuba ukhumbula izinto ezincinci omnye komnye uze ubonise izijekulo ezibonisa uxabiso, ezi ziimpawu zokuthandana ngokungekho semthethweni. Ukuba uya kuthenga uze ugqibe ukucinga ngendlela elungileyo isinxibo ethile ukuze ujonge kubo, luphawu ukuba kubudlelwane ngaphandle kokwazi.
Ngoko ukuba udidekile malunga nokuba ufuna ukuba ngaphezu kokungaqhelekanga nawe okanye akunjalo, qaphela ukuba ukuphathele naziphi na izipho. Kwaye ezi zipho akunyanzelekanga ukuba zibe nkulu. Ukusuka ekuthatheni i-smoothie kuwe ukuya ekuthengeni laa bhegi ubuneliso kuyo, inokuba nantoni na. Kwaye, ukuba ngokwenene ujonge usuku lwabo lokuzalwa kwaye ucwangcise yonke into oza kuyenza, oko kuthetha ukuba ubamba iimvakalelo kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo.
5. Ukuthetha iiyure ebusuku — Ngaba kuyinto eqhelekileyo okanye ngaphezulu?
Ngokuqinisekileyo kuninzi, kakhulu ngakumbi! Njengamazwi engoma Ngobude bobusuku bonke ngu JST FRNDS hamba, “..ngenene akufanele athathe ifowuni yakho, cuz imiyalezo ikhokelela ukuthetha nokuthetha kukhokelela ekubeni nothando ..” Ukuba uyakwazi ukuthetha iiyure nawe ngokoqobo nantoni na phantsi kwelanga, mhlawumbi lixesha lokuba bid adieu ukuyidlala “cool and casual” kunye nokuvuma ukuba ezi ziimpawu ubuhlobo obumnandi buba nzima.
Ngokukwanjalo, ukuba uhlala ekuthumelela imiyalezo ngenkcazelo yakhe yemihla ngemihla, oko kubonisa ukuba uyalufuna ulwalamano kodwa uyoyika ukuphulukana nawe. Ukoyika ukwaliwa kunye nokwenzeka ukuba awuziva ngendlela efanayo kunokuba sisizathu esibalulekileyo esimbambileyo. Ukuba ubonisa umdla wokwenene ebomini bakho, luphawu afuna a ubudlelwane obunzulu nawe. Kwaye, ukuba uyakhathala xa usabelana naye ngemiba yakho, luphawu lokuthandana ngokungaqhelekanga.
6. Umona uphakathi kweempawu zobudlelwane obungenamsebenzi
Ukuba ukuhlala nabanye abafana kuyamkhathaza okanye ukuba ufumana ukhuseleko malunga nawe rhoqo, le yimiqondiso yokuba ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzima. Ukucinezela okanye ukutyhala ecaleni umona nokuphatha inokugqibela ngokudala umonakalo ongaphezulu kunokuvakalisa ezo mvakalelo. Ucinga ukuba ubambe iimvakalelo zokubhabha? Ke ngoko, kuya kufuneka ukuba ucaphuke kakhulu ngokuhlala kunye neminye imidla yothando.
Inqaku elipheleleyo le-casual dating yi-non-exclusivity kunye nokukwazi ukubona iqabane lakho nabanye abantu, ngokwenene, okanye kwimidiya yoluntu. Nangona kunjalo, ayisiyonto ilula ukuyenza leyo ngakumbi xa uqala ukubamba iimvakalelo zomnye umntu. Ukuba ungumntu okhawuleza abe nomona nokuba nochuku, mhlawumbi ujonge into enzulu ngakumbi kwaye akunyanzelekanga ukuba ube nobudlelwane obungenasiphelo.
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7. Ukubazisa kubahlobo okanye kusapho
Ukuthatha iqabane lakho njengelidityanisiweyo emtshatweni, itheko, okanye nayiphi na enye indibano yentlalo kwaye ubabandakanye kwiqela lomhlobo wakho inokuba ngomnye wemiqondiso yokuba ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzulu. Xa abahlobo bakho besondele kubo okanye usondele kusapho lwabo, izinto zisenokuntsonkotha kamva.
Ewe, unokuhlangana kwezinye iindawo ngaphandle kwegumbi lokulala kwaye nenze izinto ezimnandi kunye njengokuyokuthenga, ukubukela iimuvi okanye ukuya kwikofu. Kodwa, ukuba uziva uthanda ukubonisa kwabo basondeleyo, luphawu lokuba ubamba iimvakalelo kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo. Ke qaphela oku nanini na xa unako ukuba unexhala lokuba i-hookup buddy yakho inokuba kuwe kwaye ifuna ukuthandana nawe ngokunzulu.
Ngaba usoloko ekumema ukuba nihambe nabahlobo bakhe? Ngaba abahlobo bakhe bazi yonke into ngawe? Ukuba ucinga 'ewe' kwezi, ngoko qwalasela le miqondiso ufuna ubuhlobo obunzulu nawe, nokuba yakho abahlobo-nge-benefits imida zikhukuliswe ngokusemthethweni.
8. Ukuba nomfanekiso-ngqondweni wekamva kunye nabo
Ukuba usebenzisa “thina” xa ethetha ngekamva, kuphakathi kwemiqondiso efuna ubuhlobo obunzulu nawe. Okanye ukuba uhlala ethetha nawe malunga nezicwangciso zokubona kude, lolunye lweempawu ezibonisa ukuba ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzulu. Ukuba iqabane lakho lilodwa elifuna into enzulu, kufuneka unxibelelane naye ukuba nzulu awukakulungeli ukuzibophelela. Ukuba unokubona ikamva kunye naye, ngoko kufuneka ubonise iimvakalelo zakho ukuze nobabini nikwazi ukunika ukudubula kwangempela.
Kodwa eyona nto imbi onokuyenza kukubagcina bejinga ixesha elide kakhulu. Oku akuyi kubalimaza nje kuba baya kuhlala belinde ukuba uze kuwe kodwa kuya kukulimaza nawe ngenxa yokuba uxhulumaniso lwentliziyo okanye uthando olucalanye inokudida kakhulu (umzimba ufuna enye into, intliziyo ifuna enye into), kwaye idala imiba yokusondelana ekuhambeni kwexesha.
9. Ukuba nomlo phakathi kweempawu zobudlelwane obungacwangciswanga buya busiba nzulu
Ukuba nobabini niyalwa kwaye nithethe ngokuqondana, luphawu lokuba nithandana ngokungekho mthethweni kwaye akukho mathandabuzo ngalo. Kuthetha ntoni ubudlelwane obunzulu kumfana? Ulungisa imilo endaweni yokuba akuncame kuba efuna ukukugcina ebomini bakhe. Wazi njani ukuba ufuna ubuhlobo obunzulu? Ucela uxolo emva kokulwa kwaye uyaqinisekisa ukuba akaphindi enze impazamo efanayo kwixesha elizayo.
Ngokunjalo, ukuba uyaphikisana nawe, oku kuthetha ukuba iintambo ziyadityaniswa. Ukuba akavumelani noluvo lwakho, oko kuthetha ukuba ulukhathalele uluvo lwakho kwasekuqaleni. Luphawu ukuba ufuna ubuhlobo obunzulu kodwa uyoyika ukubuvuma kuye okanye kuwe.
10. Ukubaphosa, xa bengekho
Ukuba uyakukhumbula xa ungaphenduli ixesha elide, luphawu lokuba ufuna ubuhlobo obunzulu nawe. Kwaye, ukuba uziva ufuna ukuphinda umthumele isicatshulwa esithi “Ndikhumbula nawe”, awudingi ukujonga ezinye iimpawu zokuba ubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzima.
Kwakhona, ukuba kubuhlungu intliziyo yakhe xa uphuma edolophini, okanye ukuba uyacaphuka ngalo lonke ixesha elibala ukukufowunela emva kokuba ekuxelele ukuba uya kwenza, kuphakathi kwemiqondiso yobudlelwane obuqhelekileyo buba nzima. Ukuba uziva uthanda ukuthetha nabo ngalo lonke ixesha kwaye basoloko besengqondweni yakho, yenye yeempawu zokuba sele ukwi relationship ungazi.
Yazi ukuba unokuba nayo yangena i-equation nje ngesondo okanye ngendlela engeyoyathando kodwa akunyanzelekanga ukuba uzibethe xa ugqiba ukubamba iimvakalelo. Awunakucwangcisa onke amanqanaba kwaye awukwazi ukusoloko ulibona lisiza. Ukuyikhanyela akuzukunceda nganto kwaye kunokugqibela kukwenzakalisa endaweni yoko.
11. Bazithabatha nzulu izimvo zakho
Ngaba yinto eqhelekileyo okanye ngaphezulu? Ukuba lo mbuzo ubukukhathaza mva nje, zama ukucinga ngendlela omnye umntu akuthatha ngayo. Ukuba uthatha iingcebiso zakho kwiincwadi, iingoma kunye neemuvi ngokubalulekileyo, luphawu lokuba ufuna ubudlelwane obunzulu nawe. Okanye ukuba kwanezinto ezincinci ozithethayo okanye ozenzayo ziphela zimchaphazela kakhulu, ezi ziimpawu zobudlelwane obungenamsebenzi buya busiba nzulu.
Umzekelo, umxelele ukuba ukwiPost Malone kwaye akakwazanga ukuzibamba kodwa umamele uluhlu lokudlala oluthatha iyure ngobo busuku ukuze aqinisekise ukuba angaxoxa nawe ngegcisa ngosuku olulandelayo. Ukuba wenza umzamo wokuqonda ukuqonda ukuba ungubani kwaye yintoni na oyithandayo, akukho nto ngaphandle kwetyala le-casual dating turning serious.
Ukuba kukho ukungalingani kwamandla kubudlelwane bakho obuqhelekileyo kunye neqabane lakho lityalwe ngokwasemphefumlweni, akulunganga ukuba usebenzise iimvakalelo zabo kunye nokuba sesichengeni ngokuchasene nabo. Ukuxhaphaza uthando lomntu ngokumfaka ebhedini kuyinto ebuhlungu ukuyenza. Ubudlelwane obungenasiphelo akuthethi ukuba udlala imidlalo yengqondo okanye ukhohlisa umntu.
12. Imiqondiso yobudlelwane obungakhathaliyo iya iba nkulu- iyayincoma imikhwa yabo
Kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo kodwa ngaba ufuna ngaphezulu? Ewe, baya kuyibona kakuhle ukuba uqala ukubancoma ngokungapheliyo. Ukuba ukuncoma kwakho omnye komnye kudlulele ngaphaya kokuncoma okungaphezulu malunga nenkangeleko yomzimba ukuya kuncoma kakhulu ngobuntu babo, ezi ziimpawu zokuthandana ngokungekho semthethweni.
Ukuba ubona ukunyaniseka emehlweni abo xa bekuxelela ukuba bayasithanda isandi sokuhleka kwakho, kuphakathi kweempawu ezicacileyo ukuba ukuxhamla kwakho okuqhelekileyo kuyakuthanda. Okanye ukuba sele eqalile ukuncoma ububele bakho okanye ubunzulu bakho, bawela kuwe ngokucacileyo.
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13. Awunakubuthelekelela ubomi bakho ngaphandle kwabo
Casual dating turning serious ngokuqinisekileyo ijongeka kancinci kanje. Ukuba nobabini anikwazi ukucinga ubomi ngaphandle komnye, lolunye lweempawu ezicacileyo zokuba nithandana ngokungekho semthethweni. Ukuba wabelane nabo ngamabali obuqu malunga nezinto ozonwabisa ngazo, usapho, abahlobo, okanye ubuntwana bakho, kunokwenzeka kakhulu ukuba uphuhlise ubuhlobo bobuqu nobusondelelene kakhulu nabo.
Ukuba uhlala uzifumana uphinda udibana nabo ngokuphindaphindiweyo entlokweni yakho, luphawu lokuba ukubudlelwane ngaphandle kokwazi. Njengoko uEdward Vilga esicebisa kwincwadi yakhe Inja ezantsi, "Ungaze utyale imali eninzi kuye nabani na ngokuthandana kangangokuba ulahlekelwe yintloko yakho. UBuddha wokwabelana ngesondo okungaqhelekanga, ndihlala ndizimele ngayo yonke indleko."
Iimpawu eziphambili
- Ukuba sesichengeni kunye nabo kwaye ubaxelele ukuba uyabathanda kusenokuthetha ukuba awusekho kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo
- Ukuba unomona ngokubabona behleli okanye bekunye nomnye umntu, udlule kakhulu kwisigaba 'esiqhelekileyo'
- Ngaba ucinga ngekamva kunye nabo? Ukuba kunjalo, lolunye lweempawu ezibonisa ukuba ubuhlobo bakho obuqhelekileyo butshintshe kakhulu
Ulwalamano oluqhelekileyo lunokuba yibhulorho elungileyo phakathi kokungatshati nokuzibophelela. Inokuba yindlela entle yokuvavanya amanzi akho, ukudibana nabantu abatsha kwaye ufumanise ukuba yintoni kanye kanye oyifunayo. Kodwa qho emva kwexesha, zibuze ukuba kutheni ukwibudlelwane obungenasiphelo. Ngaba wawubuhlungu kakhulu kangangokuba awukwazi ukuzibophelela emntwini kwakhona? Ngaba uzama ukubuyela kwi-ex yakho? Ngaba ukusondelelana ngokweemvakalelo kuyakoyikisa kwaye ukusondelana ngokwasemzimbeni kuba yindlela yokunxibelelana nomntu ngokweemvakalelo? Ngaba unexhala lokuba ufuna okungaphaya kokuqhelekileyo?
Logama nje unxibelelana ngokufanelekileyo kwaye ulawule ukuba ungenzi buhlungu kuwe nakwiqabane lakho, akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokuthandana ngokungaqhelekanga. Ukuba ubhidekile malunga nokutshintsha kweemvakalelo zakho kubudlelwane obuqhelekileyo okanye beqabane lakho, abacebisi kwiphaneli yeBonobology inokukunceda ekulawuleni ezi mvakalelo ngokucace ngakumbi.
Ngaphezu kwabahlobo abaneenzuzo kodwa hayi uBudlelwane kwaye ndiyabuthanda
Ngaba Abahlobo abaneeNzuzo zoBudlelwane basebenza ngokwenene?
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
