Ingabe uke wasolwa ngokungacabangeli? Noma mhlawumbe awukaze uqonde umbono womlingani wakho? Ingabe uye wadelela ngaphandle kokuqaphela? Uma ungakwazi ukuhlobana nendlela umlingani wakho azizwa ngayo, ukuthola ukuthi ungaba nozwela kanjani ebuhlotsheni kungenza umehluko omkhulu.
Ngenxa yalokho, uzokwazi ngempela umlingani wakho. Wake wahlangana nalawo mabhangqwana aqedela imisho yomunye futhi azi kahle ukuthi umlingani wawo uthini ngokwabelana ngokubukeka nje? Ukuba nozwelo komunye nomunye yikho okubabeke lapho. Futhi uma uzibuza, izithandani ezingenalo uzwelo ebudlelwaneni ngokuvamile yizona ezikhipha zonke izingubo ezingcolile ngokulwa esidlangalaleni nokwenza zonke ezinye izihambeli ephathini zizizwe zikhululekile. Awufuni ukuba yibo, akunjalo?
Kodwa, kusho ukuthini ukuthuthukisa uzwela futhi kungasiza kanjani? Uchwepheshe wengqondo uJaseena Backer (MS Psychology), onguchwepheshe wokuphathwa kobulili nobudlelwano, usitshela konke okudingeka sikwazi ngozwela ebudlelwaneni, nokuthi umusa omncane uhamba ibanga elide kangakanani.
Kuyini Ukuzwela Ebudlelwaneni?
Okuqukethwe
Ngaphambi kokuba singene ngqo ekutheni singaba kanjani nozwela kakhudlwana ebudlelwaneni, masiqinisekise ukuthi sivumelana ngokuthi kusho ukuthini. Njengoba kungesona isivivinyo sesikole samabanga aphezulu ongasifundanga, awukwazi ukumane nje usenze. “Uzwela ebudlelwaneni ukuqonda imizwa yomunye umuntu. Ngombono wami, luyisici esibaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni,” kusho uJaseena , “Uzwela ebudlelwaneni lungafana nokubona izinto ngombono womlingani wakho nokuqonda imizwa abanayo ngezinto.”
Kalula nje, awuhambi nje ibanga elingamakhilomitha ezicathulweni zomlingani wakho; uzwa isicathulo siluma kuma-Achilles akho, uzwa imilenze yawo ekhathele, futhi uzwa ukoma kwawo. Futhi lapho uzwa lokho abakuzwayo, ungakwazi ukujwayelana nabo kangcono. Akumele futhi kube nzima kangako. Uma wazi ukuthi oshade naye akakwazi ukumelana nephunga lezinhlanzi, ukunga-oda isitsha se-sushi ukuze sidle kuwukubonakaliswa okulula kokuthi ungaba nozwela.
“Kuveza inhlonipho, futhi uma umlingani engakhiqizi uzwela, ukuguquguquka akuthuthuki, ngoba inhlonipho iyisisekelo sanoma yiluphi ubudlelwano. Kubalulekile ukuthi bobabili abalingani bakhe uzwela ngoba akufanele nibe nodwa ebudlelwaneni. Ukuba nozwela kakhulu kusho ukuqonda omunye umuntu. Kusho ukuba nemingcele ecacile ebudlelwaneni bakho nokumhlonipha. Okubaluleke kakhulu, kusho ukuqonda izidingo zomlingani wakho. Futhi akugcini lapho; kudingeka kubonakaliswe ngezenzo,” kunezela uJaseena.
Uma ufuna uzwela ezibonelweni zobudlelwano ukusiza ukuqonda lesi simo kangcono, cabanga ngaleso sikhathi owakwakho ecasukile ngoba uMsombuluko wabo ekuseni awuhambanga njengoba bekuhlelile. Ukuba nekhono lokuzwa imizwelo yabo, futhi ucabange ukuthi yini okufanele bayicabange noma bazizwele ukuthi uyabazwela.
Uma uzijwayeza ngendlela efanele, uzwela luzokuholela ekwenzeni okuthile kumlingani wakho. Isibonelo, uma ibhulakufesi labo lasekuseni liphume lishile futhi lingadliwa, ukuqonda ukuthi umlingani wakho kufanele ukuthi uphatheke kabi kuzokukhuthaza ukuthi umtholele ibheji lesidlo sasekuseni, akunjalo?
Lokho kubizwa ngesenzo sozwelo, futhi kukusiza ukuthi wakhe umuzwa ojulile wokusondelana ngokomzwelo nophathina wakho. Uma ungumuntu ovele abe yiqhwa uma umuntu ezivulela noma ekhala phambi kwakho ungakhathazeki, lisekhona ithemba. Ngenhlanhla, indlela yokuba nozwela ebudlelwaneni akuyona isayensi ye-rocket.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izinhlobo Ezi-5 Zezilimi Zothando Nokuthi Ungazisebenzisa Kanjani Ukuze Ube Nobuhlobo Obujabulisayo
Kungani Uzwela Lubalulekile Ebudlelwaneni Bothando?
Sizophendula imibuzo efana nokuthi ungaba kanjani nozwelo kakhudlwana ebudlelwaneni noma ukuthi ungaba kanjani nozwelo kumlingani wakho, esigabeni esilandelayo, kodwa ngaphambi kokuba senze lokho, kubalulekile ukuphendula umbuzo othi, “Kungani uzwelo lubalulekile ebudlelwaneni?” Ngaphandle kokuthi senze kanjalo, ungagcina ungawunaki lo muzwa obalulekile ogcina ubudlelwano buqhubeka. Ngaphandle kokweqisa, singasho ngokuphephile ukuthi uzwelo, uma lusetshenziswa ngendlela efanele, lungaba umehluko phakathi kobudlelwano obunobuthi noma obunempilo . Nasi isizathu:
1. Uzwela lungasiza ekuxazululeni izingxabano ngokuphumelelayo
Uma wazi ukuthi kungani umuntu othandana naye esho izinto azishoyo, uma wazi ukuthi kungani ezwa ubuhlungu ngaleyo nto oyishoyo, uma wazi ukuthi kungani esabela ngale ndlela ayishoyo, uzokwazi ukuphendula kangcono. Isibonelo, uma izinkinga zabo zokushiywa zibenza basabele ngendlela engafanele, uzokwazi kangcono kunokubenza bazizwe bephatheke kabi mayelana nokusabela abanakho.
2. Ningakwazi ukwanelisa izidingo zomunye nomunye kangcono
Isizathu esenza ukuthi ukuqonda indlela yokuba nozwelo ebudlelwaneni kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi kukusiza ukuthi wazi ukuthi umlingani wakho udinga ini futhi uhlangabezane nakho. Uma kuhambisana nothando, ukunakekela, kanye nesifiso sokunciphisa ukuhlupheka komlingani wakho, uzwela lungakusiza ubone ukuthi yini umlingani wakho ayidingayo futhi wenze ngokuvumelana nayo ngezenzo zozwelo.
3. Uzwela ebuhlotsheni bothando lungathuthukisa ukusondelana ngokomzwelo
Izibonelo zozwela ebudlelwaneni, njengokwenzela umlingani wakho isidlo sasekuseni lapho wazi ukuthi ucindezeleke kakhulu ngomhlangano wabo ozayo, zingakusiza nobabili ukwakha ukusondelana ngokomzwelo . Ngokufuna ukunciphisa ukuhlupheka komlingani wakho nokukwazi ukuqonda okumkhathazayo, nizobe nibonisana ukuthi nikhathalela kangakanani ngezenzo zenu zesihawu nozwela.
4. Uzwela ebudlelwaneni bothando lukufundisa ukubekezela
Uma uqonda ukuthi kungani umlingani wakho evele esho izinto ezimbi azenzile noma ukuthi kungani ukukhathazeka kwakhe kuba ngcono ngokuqala okuncane, uzokwazi kangcono kunokumthethisa ngakho. Lapho usukwazi ukuzifaka ezicathulweni zomlingani wakho, uzoqonda ukuthi abakudingayo ukuthi ubekezele, hhayi ukuthi ucasulwe ukusabela/izenzo zabo.
5. Uyazibuza ukuthi kungani uzwela lubalulekile ebudlelwaneni? Kungenza ubudlelwano benu buqine
Lapho usukwazi ukucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho uzizwa kanjani, eceleni kwemizwa yakho siqu futhi lapho wenza ngempumelelo uzwela ukuthi uzizwa, ubuhlobo bakho nakanjani ukuvuna izinzuzo. Isibonelo, isenzo esilula sokunikeza umlingani wakho ukubhucungwa okuhle ngoba uyazi ukuthi bakhathele kangakanani kungasiza ekukhulumeni ukuthi umkhathalela kangakanani.
Ngezinye izindlela, uma umamukela futhi umthanda kakhulu umlingani wakho ngenxa yozwela onalo ngaye, usondela kancane ebudlelwaneni obujabulisayo. Ngozwela, uzokhuthazwa ukuba usebenzise izindlela zokubonisa uthando ezizokwenza yonke imibhangqwana ibe nomona ngesibopho senu.
Kuzwakala kucocekile kuze kube manje, akunjalo? Okuwukuphela kwento esele manje ukuthola ukuthi ungaba kanjani nozwela ebudlelwaneni, noma ukuthi ungenza kanjani umuntu abe nozwela (uma umlingani wakho entula kulowo mnyango). Ake sibheke konke odinga ukukwazi.
Ungaba Kanjani Uzwela Ebudlelwaneni — Izindlela Eziyisi-6
“Angikwazi neze ukumboza ikhanda lami phezu kokukhathazeka kwakhe,” kusho uDarell, ekhuluma ngentombi yakhe uJess nendlela avame ukushiywa ngayo engazi ukuthi yini okufanele ayenze lapho ingxoxo enzima iphumela ekuhlaselweni kokukhathazeka. “Njalo lapho silwa noma sixoxa ngento engathi sína, uyaphuma ekamelweni abese ehefuzela, ethi unezinto eziyisigidi ekhanda lakhe. Engibhekana nakho ekhanda lami ukudideka okukhulu mayelana nokuthi yini okufanele ngiyenze ngokulandelayo,” enezela.
Uma ubheka phezulu, ukuzama ukubona umhlaba ngamehlo omlingani wakho kungase kubonakale kungenakwenzeka. Kodwa uma ufika ku-nitty-gritty yakho, uyabona ukuthi impendulo yokuthi ungaba nozwela ilula njengokubuza umlingani wakho umbuzo ofanayo, ukuze nobabili nithole ukuthi yini eniyidingayo nobabili.
Lokhu kusiletha esinyathelweni sokuqala ohambweni lwakho lokuthuthukisa uzwela: ukubuza uJess wakho ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze. Nansi indlela yokuba nozwela ebudlelwaneni:
1. Yiba nozwela ngokwengeziwe ngokuxhumana okwengeziwe
“Uma umuntu esho okuthile, kuqonde ngokombono wakhe, ngaphandle kokwengeza okwakho kukho,” kusho uJaseena, “ Ukuthuthukisa ukuxhumana ebudlelwaneni bakho kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokwakha uzwela. Ngezinye izikhathi umlingani wakho angase akusho ngamazwi, ngezinye izikhathi impendulo isekulumeni lomzimba wakhe, futhi ngezinye izikhathi bakusho ngokuthula.”
Uma i-push iza ukusunduza, ukwakha ukuzwelana kumayelana nokwazi ukuthi umlingani wakho ufuna futhi udingani, bese wenza ngokuvumelana nakho. Ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi awukuyeki nje kube ukuqagela, ukubuza imibuzo efanele nokukhuluma ngakho kungenza umehluko omkhulu.
Imibuzo efana nokuthi “Yini ekwenza ujabule?” noma ngisho nokuthi “Ukuveza kanjani ukucasuka kwakho?” futhi “Ingabe kukhona engikwenzayo okukucasulayo?” bonke bangakusiza ukuthi usondele isinyathelo esisodwa ekwakheni uzwela. Uma wazi okwengeziwe, kulapho ungakwazi ukukusebenzisa. U-Jaseena usikhumbuza enye ingxenye ebalulekile yokuxhumana: ukulalela. Uthi: “Lapho oshade naye ekhuluma, lalelisisa abakushoyo.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ungawasebenzisa Kanjani Amagama Okuqinisekisa Njengolimi Lothando?
2. Ukuzwelana ebudlelwaneni kumayelana nokubonisa uzwelo
“Njengendlela yokubonisa uzwela, qiniseka ukuthi usebenzisa amagama angokomzwelo lapho ukhuluma ngomngane wakho womshado nangemizwa yakho,” kusho uJaseena, “Lapho umlingani wakho ekuthola kunzima ukuveza imizwelo yakhe, zama ukumsiza nganoma iliphi igama elingokomzwelo ongase ucabange ukuthi lisebenza esimweni.”
Ngokubonisa ukuthi uzinika isikhathi sokucubungula imizwa yomlingani wakho bese uyiveza, uzobonisa uthando futhi ku-dynamic yakho. Cabanga ngakho, uma wazi ukuthi imizwa yakho yabelwana nomuntu omkhathalela kakhulu, nakanjani uzozizwa uphephile kakhulu ngokomzwelo ku-dynamic yakho , akunjalo?
Ngakho-ke, uma ubuzibuza ukuthi ungaba nozwela kanjani kumlingani wakho, okudingeka ukwenze ukubonisa ububele. Ngokuzayo lapho izinkinga zokukhathazeka zabalingani bakho ziqala ukubakhathaza, babuze ukuthi ungasiza kanjani noma ukuthi yini abadinga ukuthi uyenze. Isenzo sobubele singaba umehluko phakathi kokungazi nokwazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi uyamkhathalela.
3. Ungaba nozwela kanjani ebudlelwaneni? Ungahluleli
Ake ucabange lokhu: Ngemva kokuthola sonke isibindi, usanda kutshela isithandwa sakho ukuthi uba nexhala lapho ekhuluma nomuntu owayethandana naye. Uma umlingani wakho ekuhleka futhi ekululaza ngenxa yokukhathazeka kwakho, ngeke uzizwe ukhululekile ngakho. Lapho okukukhathazayo, imibono, kanye nemizwa yakho kuhlangatshezwana nayo ngokushesha ngokwahlulela nokucutshungulwa, ngeke uzimisele kakhulu ukwabelana nganoma yini enye. Ngakho, ukuze wakhe uzwela, akumelwe wahlulele kabi imizwelo yomlingani wakho.
Ungamgxeki ngokweqile, ungamthuki umlingani wakho esidlangalaleni, futhi ngaso sonke isikhathi uhloniphe izinto azithandayo nangazithandi. Okubaluleke kakhulu, ungamthukutheli umlingani wakho, "kusho uJaseena. Ukuntula uzwela ebudlelwaneni kuvame ukuholela ekutheni omunye umlingani ahlale ehlulela omunye noma edelela zonke izinqumo abazenzayo.
“Kungani ucabanga kakhulu ngalokhu? Uzenza nje uhlanya…”, kuyindlela elimaza kakhulu yokudelela ubuhlobo . Esikhundleni sokuzama “ukulungisa” imizwa yomlingani wakho, ukuyivuma, ukuyiqonda, nokuyamukela. Ukuba nozwela kakhulu kusho ukuqonda umbono womuntu ngaphandle kokufaka owakho engxubeni. Njengoba izahlulelo zakho ziyingxenye yombono wakho, akumelwe uzivumele ukuthi zithathe uzwela oludingayo ukuze uluhlakulele.
4. Ukuthuthukisa uzwela ngezenzo
Halala, ngokukhulumisana okuphumelelayo, manje usuyazi ukuthi umlingani wakho uzizwa kanjani nokuthi kungani ezizwa ngaleyo ndlela. Kodwa... wenzani ngakho? Ingabe yilokho kuphela okukhona ekutholeni indlela yokuba nozwela? Ngaphandle uma ubeka imali yakho lapho umlomo wakho ukhona, ngeke kwenze mehluko omkhulu. Futhi cha, asiqondile ukuphonsa imali enkingeni yakho, sisho ukuthi udinga ukuhamba ngezinyawo.
U-Jaseena uthi: “Ungaba nozwela ezenzweni zakho ngokuthatha eminye yemithwalo yemfanelo yomuntu othandana naye. Ingabe umbuzo wokuthi ungaba nozwela ngokwengeziwe ebudlelwaneni ukwenze wanamathela yini? Impendulo ingaba lula njengokucosha umsebenzi abawuzondayo. Gqoka amagilavu akho; siyazigeza lezi zitsha zize zicwebezele.
PS, uma umlingani wakho engakaze athathe isinyathelo sokubonisa uzwela futhi uzibuza ukuthi ungenza kanjani umuntu abe nozwela, qhubeka umtshele ukuthi ungathanda ukuthi acabange ngawe kakhudlwana. Njengoba kushiwo ngenhla, okuwukuphela kwendlela yokuba nendawo yokuzwelana iwukukhuluma imizwa yakho, hhayi ngokucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho uzofunda ingqondo yakho.
5. Uzwela ebudlelwaneni bothando imayelana nokwesekwa
Ukusekelwa kuza ngezindlela eziningi ezahlukene. Mhlawumbe umlingani wakho ufuna ukuthi umnakekele okuthile, noma mhlawumbe ufuna nje ukuzizwa elalelwe. Ngenkathi uzama ukusekela kakhudlwana emshadweni noma ebudlelwaneni bakho, kubalulekile futhi ukuzama ukuthola uhlobo lokusekelwa abaludingayo.
Nakhu okuzokusiza: lapho umlingani wakho edinga ukwesekwa, mbuze ukuthi ufuna umane ulalele noma umsize axazulule okuthile. Uma ususa noma yikuphi ukungaboni ngaso linye, uqinisekisa ukuthi isizathu sakho esihle ngeke sigcine simcasula owakwakho.
Ngaleso sikhathi, uzoba nozwela ngokwengeziwe ngokusekela. Lapho umlingani wakho azi ukuthi uhlala enomuntu omethembayo futhi angaphephela kuwe, ngeke akhathazeke ngokuthi ungayiqondi imizwa yakhe. Indlela yokuzwelana kakhulu ebudlelwaneni ingaba lula njengalokho.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izindlela Eziyi-12 Zokulungisa Ubudlelwano Obunezinkinga
6. Thola ukulinganisela phakathi kwenhlonipho nokuzihlonipha
Kungenzeka ukuthi ekufuneni kwakho ukuthola ukuthi ungaba nozwela kanjani, ungagcina udebeselela izidingo zakho. Njengoba wonke lo mzamo waqala ngenhloso yokuba nobabili nilingane, kufanele kuhlale kunjalo.
“Ukuzwelana nomunye umuntu akusho ukuthi ubeka izithakazelo zomunye ngaphambi ngokuphelele kunezakho.” Kudingeka ube nomuzwa wozwela ukuze uqonde omunye umuntu.Kungemva kwalokho lapho omunye umuntu eyozizwa engathi angasondela kuwe. Lokho kukodwa kuyindlela yokuzwelana nomuntu othandana naye,” kusho uJaseena.
Wake wakubona ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana kumabhayisikobho? Iphuzu eliphelele ngemuva kokuthi, “Uma usho lokhu, ngizwa lokhu”, ukwazisa umlingani wakho ngemizwa yomuntu ukuze akwazi ukunaka izinqumo azithathayo. Empeleni, izala uzwela.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Njengenye yezisekelo ezibaluleke kakhulu zobudlelwano, uzwela lukuvumela ukuthi uthuthukise ukusondelana ngokomzwelo nomlingani wakho futhi wenze kube nesibopho esinempilo.
- Ukuze bakukhuthaze, bobabili abalingani badinga ukuxhumana bodwa futhi basekele uzwela ngothando, ububele, inhlonipho, nokusekela.
- Ngokwenza ngokuvumelana nozwela lwakho, uzokhuthazwa ukuba usize umlingani wakho ngalokho akuzwayo, uqinise ukwesekwa nokuhloniphana.
Indlela yokuba nozwelo kakhudlwana ebudlelwaneni, noma ukuqonda ukuthi ungaba kanjani nozwelo kakhudlwana ebudlelwaneni, kungaba ngokwemvelo kwabanye, kuyilapho abanye kungase kudingeke bakhulume ngakho kakhudlwana. Futhi uma ukwazi ukuzwa lokho umlingani wakho akuzwayo, cishe ngeke wenze okuningi ukumlimaza. Uma njengamanje ufuna ukuba nozwelo kakhudlwana ebudlelwaneni bakho, iBonobology inabeluleki abaningi abanolwazi abangathanda ukukuqondisa kuyo yonke inqubo. Cha, ngeke kube njengakuma-movie, siyathembisa.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Izimpawu zokuntula uzwelo ngokuvamile kubukeka njengezimpawu zokuntula inhlonipho ebudlelwaneni. Uma imizwa yakho iklolodelwa futhi ichithiwe, uma uthola ukugxekwa okulimazayo kokungazethembi kwakho, noma lapho umlingani wakho engakwazi nje ukuqonda umbono wakho, konke kukhomba ukuntula uzwela.
Ukuntula uzwela kungase kube ngenxa yezinkinga ezingaxazululiwe ezibangela ukucasuka ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, noma izici zobugovu ngokwemvelo ebuntwini bakho. Mhlawumbe ukude ngokomzwelo noma awukwazi ukusungula ukuxhumana okucacile nomlingani wakho. Noma iyiphi indlela, ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana kanye nokwenza ngcono ukuxhumana kuzosiza nakanjani.
Kungakhathaleki ukuthi ubulili buni bomuntu ongenalo uzwela ebudlelwaneni, okubalulekile ukuthi ngaphandle kwakho, amandla akho asengozini kakhulu enhlekeleleni. Uzwelo luzala inhlonipho, inhlonipho izala ukwethenjwa. Uma ingekho enye yalezi zisekelo, noma yibuphi ubuhlobo busengozini.
Uma uzibuza ukuthi ungaba nozwelo kanjani ngombhalo, kuyindlela efanayo obonisa ngayo uzwela mathupha. Umbhalo othi, “Ngiyayiqonda indlela ozizwa ngayo nokuthi uvelaphi, ngiyazi ukuthi kufanele ukuthi ikubeka kuphi,” ungaba wanele ukukhombisa uzwela ngemibhalo. Kwezinye izimo, ukucabanga ngokombono wabo bese utshela umlingani wakho ukuthi, "Ngiyawuqonda umbono wakho ngalesi simo," yindlela ongasebenzisa ngayo uzwela ebuhlotsheni bothando ngokusebenzisa imibhalo.
Ukuzwelana ezibonelweni zobudlelwano kusizungezile, ikakhulukazi ebudlelwaneni obunempilo. Isibonelo, uma umlingani wakho eye waba nosuku olubi emsebenzini, ukuzifaka ezicathulweni zakhe kungakwenza uqonde ukuthi ukhathele kangakanani, futhi ngeke ulindele ukuthi ahambe nawe ngalolo suku lokudla. Ukube ubungenalo uzwelo futhi ulindele idethi yesidlo sakusihlwa kungakhathaliseki ukuthi yikuphi, cishe bekungaholela ekulweni okungagwenywa ngokucabangela kancane.
Uzizwa Unganakiwe Ebudlelwaneni? Isazi Sezengqondo Sabelana Ngezindlela Zokuzinakekela
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
