“Imingcele enempilo ivikela ngaphandle kokuhlukanisa, igcina ngaphandle kokubopha, futhi igcina ubuwena ngenkathi ivumela ukuxhumana kwangaphandle.” – Anne Katherine, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. Lesi sisho sifingqa kahle ukubaluleka kokuqaphela, ukubeka, kanye nokuphoqelela izinhlobo ezahlukene zemingcele ebudlelwaneni.
Kubalulekile ukuba nengxoxo kusenesikhathi ebudlelwaneni mayelana nohlu lwemingcele yomuntu siqu bobabili ozakwethu abangathanda ukuyisebenzisa ngoba lapho umbhangqwana uthola ukunethezeka ngokwedlulele eduze komunye nomunye, imigqa phakathi kwakho, mina, futhi singafiphala kalula. Ukuthi ungabeka izinyawo zakho ezibandayo esiswini esifudumele somlingani wakho noma uqhumisane izinduna emhlane akusho ukuthi ungasho noma yini efika engqondweni yakho. Ngokungazi, ezinye izihloko zingase zithinte umzwelo.
Ngisho noma ubudlelwano bakho bubonakala bulula, kufanele usacabangele ukuxoxa ngemingcele ukuze izinto zingahambi kabi. Njengoba le ngxoxo ingaba yimbi noma ibe nzima kubantu abaningi, silapha ukuzokusiza ukuthi uqalise. Ake sibheke kabanzi ukuthi iyini imingcele, nokuthi ungayibeka futhi uyiqinise kanjani, ngokuqonda okuvela kudokotela wezifo zengqondo uDkt. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), ogxile ekwelulekeni kobudlelwano kanye nokwelashwa kokuziphatha okunengqondo.
Yiziphi Izinhlobo Eziyisi-7 Zemingcele Ebudlelwaneni?
Okuqukethwe
Uma uthando lothando olusha seluqala ukuphela, imiyalezo engapheli kanye nezingcingo kuzoshintsha ngokushesha kusuka ekubeni “kuhle” kuye kokuthi “ngicela uyeke lokhu”. Ezimweni ezinjengalezi, ukulandela imingcele enempilo kuzokwenza izimangaliso kuwe ekugcineni ubudlelwano bakho buqhubeka. Phela, ukunikeza isikhala nokuhlonipha ubumfihlo kuyizindlela ezimbili zokwakha ubudlelwano obuhle. Ukufunda ukuthi ungazithola kanjani isikhala bese unika umlingani wakho esakhe kungathuthukisa kakhulu impilo yakho yengqondo, okungakusiza ukuthi wakhe ubudlelwano obunempilo nobunempilo.
UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Ukwazi ukuthi imiphi imingcele okufanele ibekwe ebudlelwaneni kuyisici esibalulekile esilawula impilo yesibopho kanye nabantu abakuso. Kuyisenzo sokusungula inhlonipho nokwazisa amalungelo, izifiso, nezifiso zomlingani wakho kanye nazo, ngokuhambisana, nokwazisa ezakho.”
Izinhlobo ezahlukene zemingcele ebudlelwaneni zizokusiza ukuthi ususe ekujuleni kobudlelwano obungaba yingozi uye kobunempilo lapho nihloniphana khona. Kalula nje, uzofunda ukuthi “cha” bese uqala ukukubona njengesenzo sokuzinakekela, ngaphandle kokukhathazeka ngezinto ezinjengokuthi, “Angifuni muntu abe nombono ongalungile ngami”. Manje njengoba sesikutholile ukubaluleka kwayo, ake singene ekutheni yiziphi izinhlobo ezahlukene zemingcele ebudlelwaneni nokuthi ungayibeka kanjani:
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izibonelo Eziyi-8 Zemingcele Engaphilile Nowesifazane Owayengumkakhe
1. Imingcele engokomzimba
Imingcele ebonakalayo izungeza umzimba wakho, indawo yomuntu siqu, kanye nezinga lokuthinta ngokomzimba okhululekile kukho. Izibonelo zemingcele ebonakalayo ebudlelwaneni zingabandakanya ukuthi ubeke umkhawulo ku-PDA ohlanganyela kuyo, noma ukucela nje isikhathi esithile uwedwa. Noma uthi, uma ungeyena omkhulu ekugonaneni, ukwazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi esikhundleni sokuzizwa unesibopho sokubuyisela intuthuko yakhe futhi kuyisibonelo sokubeka umngcele ongokwenyama.
Ukuveza umbono wakho ngemingcele engokwenyama kuzovimbela ukungaqondani futhi kuqinisekise ukuthi nobabili nisesigabeni esifanayo. Futhi akudingeki uzizwe unecala ngakho. Inani elifanele lesikhala somuntu siqu libalulekile ukuze ubudlelwano buchume, njengoba likuvumela indawo yokukhula, ukuthuthuka nokuxhumana nomuntu wakho wangempela. Ku -Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, u-Anne Katherine naye ubhala athi, “Ukusondelana kuvela ekwaziweni, futhi ukwaziwa kudinga ukuzazi wena, ukuba nomuntu ukuze uzazi.”
Izibonelo zemingcele ebonakalayo ebuhlotsheni
Ezinhlotsheni ezahlukene zemingcele yomuntu siqu, ukuhlonipha indawo ebonakalayo kungaba yinto ebaluleke kakhulu kubantu abaningi. Kodwa ukudlulisela kanjani lokhu kumlingani wakho ngaphandle kokulimaza imizwa yakhe noma ukuvela kude? Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa ezizokusiza uxoxe ngemingcele yakho ngaphandle kokukucasula:
- “Angithandi ukuthintwa/ukubanjwa ngale ndlela”
- “Ngizizwa ngikhathele, ngidinga ukuphumula”
- “Ngilambile, ngizokubamba manje”
- “Angikwazi ukuba ne-XYZ endaweni engihlala kuyo, angizwani nayo”
- "Ngicela ungqongqoze ngaphambi kokungena ekamelweni lami"
- “Angikujabuleli ukuphazanyiswa uma ngiseshaweni”
- “Ungashayi umnyango, ukungqongqoza okukhulu kungenza ngikhathazeke”
2. Imingcele yocansi
Lokhu mhlawumbe okubucayi kakhulu futhi okubalulekile kulolu hlu lwemingcele yobudlelwano. Imibhangqwana eminingi iyakugwema ukuxoxa ngezilindelo zabo zobulili, izidingo, kanye nemikhawulo ngaphambi kokuba basondelane, besaba ukuthi noma iyiphi ingxoxo izolimaza ubuqiniso besipiliyoni. Kodwa zibuze, ingabe ubuqiniso mbumbulu bubaluleke kakhulu kunokuqinisekisa ukuthi uzizwa uphephile nomlingani wakho?
Esokugcina, akunjalo? Yingakho nje ingxoxo mayelana nokuthi uyafuna yini ukuya ocansini, uma yebo, kanjani futhi kuphi, yimaphi ama-kinks amukelekile, futhi yiziphi ezixakile nje ibalulekile ekubekeni imingcele yobudlelwano obusha obunempilo. Ngisho noma wawucwebezela ngesikhathi usaqala ubudlelwano bakho, asikho isizathu sokuthi kungani ungakwazi ukukwenza manje.
UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Abalingani kufanele babelane ngamaphupho nezifiso zabo omunye nomunye ngokusobala futhi ngaphandle kokungabaza noma ukwahlulela. Kodwa-ke, kubaluleke ngokulinganayo ukuhlonipha ukungafuni komlingani ukuhlanganyela kwezinye zalezo zifiso nezifiso. Khumbula, umlingani wakho kungenzeka ukuthi akanaso isifiso socansi esisebenzayo njengesakho noma kungenzeka ukuthi ube nokuhlangenwe nakho okubi ngocansi esikhathini esidlule. Yilokho ngempela ukubeka imingcele yocansi okubalulekile.”
Izibonelo zemingcele yocansi ebuhlotsheni
Ucansi lungashintsha lube yisihloko esithinta inhliziyo phakathi kwabalingani, ikakhulukazi uma kuziwa ekukhulumeni amaphupho kanye nokungezwani kanye/noma ukuwenqaba. Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa zemingcele yocansi ebudlelwaneni obuzokusiza ukuthi ufunde ukuthi cha ngaphandle kokulimaza isithunzi somlingani wakho:
- “Angikujabuleli lokhu. Ake sizame okuhlukile”
- "Ungathanda ukuzama isikhundla esisha/ukuhlola ngendlela entsha?"
- “Angifuni ukuya ocansini njengamanje.
- “Angilungile ngocansi olungaphephile”
- “Lokhu kubuhlungu/akungikhululeki. Yeka”
3. Imingcele yezezimali
Isicelo esihambisana nomugqa othi “Hey, ngingakuboleka imali? Uyazi ukuthi ngizokubuyisela ngokushesha ngangokunokwenzeka” akufanele kukushiye ungakwazi ukwenqaba. Kufanele uboleke othile imali (ngisho noma enguphathina wakho) kuphela uma ufuna, hhayi ngoba wesaba ukuthi uzobhoka asho into enjengokuthi, “Hhayi-ke awungethembi?” noma “Ingabe ubheka imali ngaphezu kobuhlobo bethu?”
Ukudweba umugqa esihlabathini ngemali etholakale kanzima kanye nezinye izinto ezibonakalayo kuphakathi kwemingcele ebaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bomuntu siqu, futhi yebo, lokho kufaka phakathi ukuxhumana kothando, futhi akufanele kuthathwe kalula. Kungaba ingxoxo elula, kodwa uma ubheka indlela izindaba zemali ezingalimaza ngayo ubudlelwano , kubalulekile. Ngaphandle kwalokho, ukufunda ukuthi ukukhuluma ngezimali ngaphandle kokuzivikela noma ukuthinteka kungasiza kakhulu ekuthuthukiseni ukuxhumana ebudlelwaneni bakho. Ngeke kube lula ukusho ukuthi lena ingenye yezinhlobo ezibaluleke kakhulu zemingcele ebudlelwaneni okumele zixazululwe.
Izibonelo zemingcele yezezimali
Ukubeka imingcele yezinto ezibonakalayo ebudlelwaneni, ikakhulukazi obuhlanganisa imali, kungaba nzima. Nazi ezinye izibonelo zokubeka imingcele yomuntu siqu ehlobene nemali ngaphandle kokuyivumela ibe indawo ebuhlungu ebudlelwaneni bakho:
- “Ngeke ngikwazi ukukuboleka imoto yami njengoba igama lakho lingekho kumshwalense”
- "Ngingajabula uma uthola imoto isevisi ngemuva kohambo lomgwaqo"
- “Ake sibheke isikweletu sekhadi lesikweletu bese sihlukanisa ukuthi ubani ukweletani”
- “Ngeke sikwazi ukunikeza u-X imali eyengeziwe. Masithole enye indlela yokusiza”
- "Kufanele sihlole imininingwane yemali mboleko bese sinquma ukuthi ubani okhokhela ini"
- “Ngingathanda ukugcina i-akhawunti yami yomuntu siqu isebenza futhi ngingafaki iholo lami ku-akhawunti yethu esihlanganyelwe”
4. Imingcele yobuhlakani
Izibonelo zemingcele enempilo ebudlelwaneni azigcini nje ngezici zomzimba/zezimali. Kubalulekile nokubeka imingcele yengqondo ukuze ukwazi ukubhekana nemibono ehlukene kanye nokwehluka kwemibono ngobuchule. Uma kungekho mingcele eqinile, ngisho nokuphawula okubonakala kungakhathali kodwa okuhlambalazayo ngemibono yakho kungase kwanele ukuqala impikiswano.
Ngesikhathi esifanayo, ukulebula izihloko ezithile njengendawo yokungahambeki kungaholela ekucindezelekeni okungaphansi kokuguquguqukayo kwakho. Kudingeka nibeke imingcele yobuhlakani ngobuhlakani, nilinganisele phakathi kokungakhawuleli izinto eningakhuluma ngazo nokuhlonipha izindinganiso nemibono yomunye nomunye.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukukopela Kumthinta Kanjani Owesifazane - Ukubuka Konke Ngochwepheshe
Izibonelo zemingcele yengqondo ebudlelwaneni
Imingcele yobuhlakani ikusiza ukuthi uzulazule endaweni egcwele ukuhluka kwemibono ngobuchule, ngaphandle kokuyivumela ukuthi iphazamise ubudlelwano bakho. Nazi ezinye izibonelo zendlela yokubeka imingcele yengqondo:
- “Ngiyazi ukuthi asivumelani ngalesi sihloko, kodwa akwenzi kulunge ukuthi ungidelele”
- “Asifiki ndawo ezingxoxweni zethu ngalolu daba.
- “Yebo, sidinga ukukhuluma ngalokhu kodwa itafula lokudla akuyona indawo engcono kakhulu yalo”
- “Asivume ukungezwani”
- "Ngamunye wabo"
5. Imingcele engokomzwelo
Imizwa iwumgogodla wobudlelwano bothando, eyodwa ngeke ibe khona ngaphandle komunye. Kuyiqiniso futhi ukuthi wonke umuntu unendlela ehlukile yokubhekana nemizwa. Ukubeka imingcele engokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni bakho kukusiza ukuthi ubhekane nanoma yikuphi ukungahambisani endleleni yakho yokubhekana nokuveza imizwa yakho, ngaphandle kokulimala, ukudideka, noma ukukhungatheka. Lokhu kubaluleka nakakhulu lapho imizwa engemihle idlala.
Imingcele enempilo ebudlelwaneni ikuvumela ukuthi ubone ukuthi umlingani wakho uvelaphi noma ukuthi usesimweni esifanele sokukusekela uma ukhathazekile ngokomzwelo ngento ethile. Ukukwazi ukuqonda umehluko phakathi kokulahla ngokomzwelo nokwabelana ngokomzwelo kuyimfanelo engavamile engabeka ubudlelwano bakho empumelelweni. Futhi ukubeka imingcele yomuntu siqu maqondana nemicabango yakho, imizwa, kanye nemizwa kuyisinyathelo esibalulekile kulolo hlangothi.
"Ukuba sengozini ngokomzwelo komunye nomunye kuyisici esibalulekile sanoma yikuphi ubudlelwano bothando, yingakho lokhu kuphakathi kwemingcele ebaluleke kakhulu yokubeka ebuhlotsheni. Imibono yokuba sengozini ingahluka kakhulu kubantu abahlukene futhi udinga umlingani wakho ukuthi abe umhlanganyeli futhi angabi inselele ekuqondeni kwakho ukusondelana ngokomzwelo nokuba sengozini. Ngokusobala ingakwazi ukucacisa ukubambisana kwemizwa," kusho uDkt.
Izibonelo zemingcele yemizwa ebudlelwaneni
Imingcele yemizwa imayelana nokuqinisekisa imizwa yomunye nomunye nokuphatha noma yiluphi ulwazi oluthinta imizwa ngenhlonipho nokunakekela. Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa zemingcele yemizwa ebuhlotsheni:
- “Imizwa yami ngokugxekwa ingenza ngifune ukuvala umlomo”
- “Ngingakutshela imizwa yami kuphela lapho wamukelwa ngenhlonipho”
- “Ngidinga ukukhuluma ngezinto ezithile manje. Ingabe usendaweni yokulalela?”
- “Ngiyaxolisa ukuthi ubhekene nobunzima, kodwa angikho endaweni yokulalela njengamanje”
- “Le ngxoxo ingenza ngingakhululeki. Singaphinde siyivakashele ngesinye isikhathi?”
6. Imingcele yesikhathi
Kungani isikhathi sibonakala kulolu hlu lwemingcele yobudlelwano, ungase uzibuze. Nokho, ngoba kaningi, ukuzizwa ucindezelekile ebudlelwaneni kungenye yezimpawu zokuthi imingcele yakho iyaphulwa futhi isikhathi sakho asihlonishwa. Lokhu kungaholela ekuthukutheleni ebudlelwaneni , okungalimaza kakhulu isibopho sakho nomlingani wakho.
Ubudlelwano obunempilo buncike ekulinganiseni phakathi kwesikhathi esihle enisichitha nindawonye kanye nesikhathi enisithathayo sokuzinakekela kanye nokunakekela izidingo zenu zomuntu ngamunye. UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Lapho imibhangqwana ifuna ukwelashwa ngenxa yokuthi abangane bomshado abakwazanga ukuchitha isikhathi ndawonye, ngivame ukusebenzisa isabelo ‘sehora elinguziro.’ Umqondo ulula: ukwenza umzamo wokuzinika isikhathi sokuchitha isikhathi nomngane wakho womshado.” Nokho, lesi senzo esilula siphinde sidlulisele uthando, inhlonipho, isithunzi, nozwela.”
Izibonelo zemingcele yesikhathi ebudlelwaneni
Ukubeka imingcele yesikhathi kuholela ekuqapheleni izinto ezimbili - unempilo ngaphandle kobudlelwane bakho futhi udinga ukuchitha isikhathi ndawonye njengombhangqwana. Ngokuvumelana nale paradigm, nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa zemingcele enempilo ebuhlotsheni ngokuphathelene nesikhathi:
- “Ngeke ngikwazi ukukuphelezela kulowo mcimbi kule mpelasonto”
- “Nginezinhlelo nabangani bami”
- "Unaso isikhathi sokukhuluma?"
- “Ake sihlele ubusuku bezinsuku zamasonto onke”
- “Ukucisha i-TV ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa kuzosinika isikhathi sokuxhumana sodwa. Uzizwa kanjani ngakho?”
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izindlela Eziyi-12 Zokulungisa Ubudlelwano Obunobuthi
7. Imingcele elindelwe
Imingcele yokulindela idinga ukuxazululwa ngokushesha okukhulu. Ukuba nokulindela okuphezulu nokungafaneleki kungasho inhlekelele ebudlelwaneni benu, ikakhulukazi uma kungeyona into efanayo. Uma ningakwazi ukulawula okulindelekile ebudlelwaneni , kungaholela ekunganelisekeni nasekuxabaneni okuningi. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ingxoxo ngalokho eningakwenza nokungakwazi ukukwenza inganciphisa ukudumala futhi ikunike ukucaca ngalokho eningakulindela kumlingani/ebudlelwaneni bakho.
Ukukhuluma ngalokho okungenzeka, ukuthi nobabili nizoxhumana kaningi kangakanani, nizotholakala kanjani, nokuthi ubani onquma nakanjani ukuthi yini eni-oda ngesidlo sakusihlwa kuyimingcele emihle eningayibeka ebudlelwaneni. Ngemuva kwakho konke, awufuni ukubanjwa ku-loop engapheli yokuthi "Ngizoba nanoma yini oyifunayo, kodwa hhayi lokho".
Izibonelo zemingcele okulindelekile
Ukulindela okungafani kungase kube isizinda sokungabi nabubele ngokomzwelo kanye nobutha phakathi kwabalingani. Kungakho kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi ungayibeka kanjani imingcele yokulindela ngendlela engokoqobo. Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa:
- “Nakuba ngingalindele ukuthi ngeke size silwe, ngingathanda sixazulule lezo zimpi ngokuvuthiwe”
- “Ngilindele ukuthi umlingani wami abe qotho futhi athembeke”
- “Sobabili sizokwenza amaphutha endleleni, futhi kulungile”
- "Yini oyilindele kulobu budlelwano?"
- "Kufanele sihlangane kangaki futhi sixhumane?"
- “Ukuhloniphana ebudlelwaneni akuxoxiswana nami”
Indlela Yokumisa Imingcele Ebudlelwaneni
Njengoba besilokhu sisho njalo, imingcele enempilo ibalulekile ebudlelwaneni obujabulisayo nobuhlala isikhathi eside . Izinhlobo zemingcele ebudlelwaneni esixoxe ngazo namuhla zingasiza kakhulu ekukhuliseni ukuzethemba, ukuzethemba, kanye nomuzwa wokuthi ungumlingani. Zikusiza ukuthi ugcine isikhala sakho, inkululeko, kanye nobuntu bakho, kuyilapho zikuvumela ukuthi uhloniphe okamlingani wakho.
Kodwa-ke, noma ngabe uchaza imingcele emisha yobudlelwano noma ubuyekeza imigomo yokuzibandakanya ebudlelwaneni obuqhubekayo, ukubeka amakhono akho kanye nemikhawulo etafuleni kuyisinyathelo sokuqala kuphela senqubo. Noma yiziphi izibonelo zemingcele ebudlelwaneni ngeke zikusize ngalutho uma wehluleka ukuzisebenzisa. Nazi ezinye izindlela zokwenza:
- Yethula imingcele kusenesikhathi ebudlelwaneni - yini eyamukelekayo nengavumelekile, imikhuba, imikhuba, njll.
- Indlela yokubeka imingcele ebuhlotsheni ngaphandle kokulawula nokuyisebenzisa ngokuzikhandla? Ukuxhumana kuyisihluthulelo. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ingxoxo ayikhululekile kangakanani, ungayibaxi. Kunalokho, phatha indaba ngenhlonipho nangozwela
- Thembeka ngesihluku ngezidingo zakho, nenduduzo. Akubona ubugovu ukubeka phambili inhlalakahle yakho
- Cabanga ukuthi uzobhekana kanjani nomlingani wakho ephula umngcele wakho, noma wena owabo
- Lalela izidingo zomlingani wakho futhi, ungalungisi inhlalakahle yakho uwedwa. Yazi ukuthi yini abakhululekile ngayo nokuthi yini abangeke bayibekezelele
- Ungangabazi ukucela isikhala uma usidinga
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Imingcele engokomzimba, yemizwa, neyobulili kufanele imiswe kusenesikhathi ebudlelwaneni ukuze bobabili abalingani bazizwe bephephile, beneliseke futhi benakekelwe.
- Imingcele yesikhathi ebudlelwaneni isiza abalingani bahloniphe isikhathi somunye kuyilapho beqaphela ukubaluleka kokuchitha isikhathi esihle ndawonye
- Izingxoxo ezimayelana nendlela enizosebenzisana ngayo ngokobuhlakani, ngokwezimali, namaqondana nalokho okulindelekile yimingcele evamile okufanele niyikhulume.
- Imingcele iyisihluthulelo sobudlelwano obujabulisayo, obuphumelelayo, nobuhlala isikhathi eside. Kuwuphawu lokuthi wabelana ngezibalo ezinempilo nophathina wakho
Ukubeka imingcele kusho ukuthi uyaqonda ukubaluleka komuzwa womunye nomunye wendawo kanye nobunikazi, futhi kuyisibonakaliso sokuhloniphana ebudlelwaneni . Ukuziqinisekisa nokubeka izidingo zakho kanye nemikhawulo yakho lapho kungaba nzima ekuqaleni, kodwa ukuwela lelo bhuloho kukubeka endleleni eya ekwakheni ubudlelwano obuhle, obungenalo indelelo, ukugxekwa, kanye nenzondo. Lokho kwenza kube uhambo olufanele ukulithatha.
Le ndatshana ibuyekezwe ngo-Ephreli 2023.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Qaphela ukuthi okuwukuphela kwendlela umuntu aziphatha ngayo noma isimo sakhe sengqondo ongasilawula ngesakho. Gxila emizweni yakho, izidingo, nezinto ozifunayo futhi wazi ukuthi uwena wedwa onesibopho sakho. Gxila emicabangweni nasezenzweni zakho futhi uziphendulele ngakho.
Uma ubona izimpawu zokuphulwa kwemingcele yakho, vumela umlingani wakho azi ukuthi awuyithandi indlela yakhe futhi umtshele ukuthi ukuziphatha kwakhe kwakungahloniphi. Khulumela umngcele ngokucacile kubo futhi futhi unqume imiphumela yalokho okwenzekayo uma beweqa futhi. Beka umkhawulo ekuhlanganyeleni kwakho futhi uphikelele ngokugcina imingcele yakho. Okubaluleke kakhulu, hlala uzolile kukho konke.
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