9 Izimpawu Zokungabi Nozwelo Ebudlelwaneni Nezindlela Eziyi-11 Zokubhekana Nazo

Ukuba sebudlelwaneni nomuntu onobugovu, ongazinaki izidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo, okwenza imizwelo yakho ingasebenzi, ongawamukeli amaphutha akhe, futhi obheka izindlela zokususa icala kungase kukhathaze futhi kuqede amandla. Yilokho okwenzekayo lapho ubhekene nokungabi nozwelo komlingani. Ungase uzithole uzama ukuhlenga ubudlelwano bakho ngaphandle kokuyekethisa izidingo zakho. Kodwa ngaphandle kokuba umlingani wakho ekulungele ukuhlangana nawe phakathi nendawo (njengokuvamile kwabantu abangenalo uzwela), kungaba umgwaqo onzima ukuhamba, akunjalo? Lokho kusho, ukubhekana nokuntula uzwela okuphelele ebuhlotsheni kungenzeka. Udinga nje amasu afanele nendlela.

Kulesi sihloko, sicacisa ukuthi ayini lawo masu, ngokubonisana nodokotela wezengqondo UDkt. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), osebenza ngokukhethekile ekululekeni ngobudlelwano kanye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Kulolu hlelo, sizokusiza futhi ukuthi uhlakulele ukuqonda okungcono endabeni ngokuphendula imibuzo ethile ebucayi—Iyini incazelo yokuntula uzwela? Wazi kanjani uma umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela? Kungani abanye abantu bengenaluzwela ngabantu ababathandayo? 

Kuyini Ukuzwela Ebudlelwaneni?

Luyini uzwela, ngempela? Kalula nje, yikhono lokuqonda nokwazisa umbono womunye umuntu, isipiliyoni, nemizwa ngokuzifaka ezicathulweni zakhe. Uzwela lungenye yezimpawu ezibaluleke kakhulu okufanele uzibheke kumlingani wakho ngoba uhamba ibanga elide ekunqumeni izinga lobudlelwano bakho. Empeleni, izifundo baye bafakazela ukuthi uzwela, ngokuvamile, “… lungathuthukisa nobudlelwano obungcono nabantu ongabazi” futhi lubambe iqhaza elibalulekile “ekunciphiseni ukwenzelela kanye nokucwasa ngokwesistimu.” 

Uma uzwela lungasiza abantu ongabazi ukuba basondelane, ungacabanga ukuthi kungaba nomthelela kangakanani phakathi kwabalingani. UDkt Bhonsle uyachaza: “Ebudlelwaneni, abantu ababili abavela ezizindeni ezimbili ezihlukene bayahlangana ukuze bafinyelele umgomo ofanayo.” Bavela emasikweni ahlukene nakhuliswe ngendlela engafani, banemibono nezimiso ezihluke ngokuphelele, futhi banezindlela zabo zokuphila ezihlukile. 

“Ngokujwayelekile ababoni ngaso linye ngaso sonke isikhathi, kodwa kumele basebenzisane becabangela izinto ezibalulekile ezibalulekile. imigomo yobudlelwano. Kuwukuqaphela ukuthi yini ebalulekile kumlingani wakho.” Ake sithathe usizo lwesibonelo ukuze sikuqonde kangcono lokhu uJason noNatasha sebethandane iminyaka emithathu. 

UNatasha uyithanda kakhulu inkolo, kanti uJason akakholelwa ukuthi uNkulunkulu ukhona. Lapho uyise kaNatasha elaliswa esibhedlela, wayekhungathekile futhi ekhathazekile. Nakuba uJason engelona ikholwa, wamkhuthaza ukuba athandaze ngoba inkolo iyingxenye ebalulekile yokuphila kukaNatasha futhi inamandla okumduduza. Kubonisa ukuthi waqaphela ukuthi uhlelo lwakhe lokukholelwa ludinga ukuthatha isihlalo esingemuva enhlalakahleni kaNatasha-ngisho noma kwakusho ukugunyaza okuthile angazange akubhalisele. 

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Lubaluleke kangakanani uzwela ebudlelwaneni?

Njengoba manje sesazi ukuthi kuyini ukuzwelana, ake sibone ukuthi kungani kubalulekile ebuhlotsheni. Uzwela luyithinta kanjani imibhangqwana futhi ingabe ibalulekile lokho? Impendulo ilele ekutheni uzwela lusiza kanjani imibhangqwana ukuxazulula izinkinga futhi kukhuthaze ukuqondana okungcono: 

• Uzwela lusiza ozakwethu ukuthi babe nomusa komunye nomunye: Ngozwela, nakanjani niyohlonipha izinqumo zomunye nomunye futhi nibonise umusa komunye nomunye
• Ikhuthaza ukuxhumana okungcono: Uzwela lukusiza ukuthi uqonde umlingani wakho kangcono futhi akushiyi indawo yokungakhulumisani kahle
• Kuyenza ukuxazulula izingxabano Kalula nakakhulu: Ngozwela, uzofunda ukuqonda ukuthi kungani othile enze iphutha futhi umthethelele kalula
• Yehlisa ukwahlulela nolaka: Uzophenduka umuntu ongahluleli kangako, njengoba uzokwazi ukuthi kungani abantu beyilendlela abayiyo

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Izinhlobo Zokuzwela Ebudlelwaneni

Ukuze uqonde indima yozwela ebuhlotsheni, kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi ibonakala kanjani. “Ukuzibeka esicathulweni somunye umuntu ukuze uqonde imizwa yakhe, imicabango, kanye nemibono yakhe” kungazwakala kujwayelekile kakhulu futhi kungabonakali. Ukusiza ukubeka lesi sici esibalulekile somqondo womuntu kanye nomthelela waso ebudlelwaneni babantu ngendlela efanele, ake sibhekisise izinhlobo ezintathu zozwela nokuthi ngayinye iyithinta kanjani inqubekelaphambili yobudlelwano:

• Uzwela olusebenzayo: Kulapho umuntu ekwazi khona ukubamba imizwa yomlingani wakhe futhi aphendule ngendlela efanele. Kubizwa nangokuthi uzwela olungokomzwelo. Ngokwesibonelo, owesifazane ubheka ukucindezeleka komyeni wakhe, uzizwa ekhathazekile futhi ekhathazekile, uphatha inkomishi yetiye ukuze amduduze, futhi amenze axoxele indlela azizwa ngayo. Uzwela olusebenzayo ludlala indima ebalulekile ekunikezeni ukusekelwa ngokomzwelo kothandekayo
• Ukuzwelana kwengqondo: Uzwela lwengqondo lubhekisela emsebenzini onengqondo wokuhlakanipha. Kuyikhono lokubona izinto ngombono womlingani wakho kodwa ngendlela ehluzekile kuneyemizwa. Ngokwesibonelo, yilapho uqonda isimo sabo sengqondo ngisho nangezikhathi zokungavumelani. Uzwela lokuqonda lubalulekile endleleni enengqondo kodwa enomusa yokungqubuzana kanye iziqephu ezinzima ebudlelwaneni
• Uzwela lweSomatic: Lokhu ukusabela ngokomzimba kokuhlangenwe nakho komlingani wakho. Isibonelo, kulapho uphathwa yikhanda elibuhlungu ngenxa yempilo ebuthaka yentombi yakho. Uzwela lwe-Somatic luwukubonakaliswa kokutshalwa kwezimali komuntu kubhondi kanye nenhlalakahle kazakwethu

Njengoba uzwela oluthinta inhliziyo kanye nozwela lwe-somatic kokubili luqhutshwa imizwelo nemizwa, kukhona ithuba lokuthi umuntu azwelane kakhulu. Wake wambona othandiweyo wakho ekhala, wathi esamduduza wezwa amehlo ecweba izinyembezi? Lo muzwa okhulisiwe wokuzwelana ungakuholela ekubeni umlingani okhungathekile ngokomzwelo ebuhlotsheni.   

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, njengoba uzwela lwengqondo luqhutshwa ubuhlakani, lubaluleke kakhulu, ake sithi, esimweni sikadokotela onesineke. Nokho, emshadweni noma ebuhlotsheni, umuntu onozwela angase angabi naluzwela ngandlela-thile. Lapho umlingani wakho ekudinga ukuthi umlalele futhi udabuke naye, ukunikeza izixazululo ezingokoqobo kungase kungabi impendulo ebucayi kakhulu. Indlela efanele yokukhuthaza ukuzwelana ebudlelwaneni iwukuba nokulinganisela phakathi kwezinhlobo zabo ezahlukene kanye nokubonakaliswa. 

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Yini Edala Ukuntula Uzwelo

Manje njengoba sesithinte incazelo, ukubaluleka, kanye nezinhlobo zozwelo, asikho isikhala sokungqubuzana ukuthi kuyisici esibalulekile ekwakheni ubudlelwano obunempilo. Kodwa kungani abantu bengenalo uzwela ngabalingani babo? Futhi ukuntula uzwela kubonisani? Ngaphambi kokuthi sihlulele umuntu ngokungabi nalo uzwelo olwanele kumlingani wakhe/umlingani wakhe, sidinga ukubheka ukuthi yini edala ukungabi nozwelo. Okuningi izifundo baye bafakazela ukuthi kukhona ukuhlobana okuqondile phakathi kwe-narcissism nokuntuleka kozwela. Ngezansi ezinye izizathu zokuthi kungani umuntu engase angabonisi uzwela:

• Ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano obudlule: Uma othile ehlangabezane nokuntula uzwela esikhathini esidlule, angase angene kumodi yokusinda ebudlelwaneni obuzayo futhi bakhe udonga olumzungezile olumvimbela ekuxhumaneni ngempela nophathina wakhe futhi bavumelane nemizwa nemizwelo yabo. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungase kube nzima ngomuntu ukuzwelana nomlingani wakhe
• Ukuntuleka kothando ebuntwaneni: Kungani abantu bengenalo uzwela? Ngoba abakaze bafunde ukuthi kuyini. Uma umuntu engakaze aboniswe uthando ebuntwaneni noma engazange abe nesibonelo sokumlandela esinozwela, kungenzeka ukuthi akakaze afunde ukuthi kusho ukuthini ukuzwa imizwelo yomunye noma ukuzwela izidingo zabanye.
• Izinkinga zempilo yengqondo: Izinkinga eziningi zempilo yengqondo ezifana ne-narcissistic personality disorder kanye ne-autism spectrum disorder zenza abantu bangabi nozwelo.
• Ukuzicabangela wena siqu: Abantu abanobugovu ngokweqile ababeki muntu ngaphambi kwabo futhi ngokuvamile abanalo uzwela
• Isimo sengqondo sokwahlulela: Abanye abantu bayahlulela futhi abakwazi ukubona izinto ngombono wabanye, okungabenza bangabi naluzwelo.
• Ukulimala kwengqondo: Izifundo bonisa ukuthi izilonda zobuchopho nokulimala kungase kuholele ekulahlekelweni ikhono lokuzwelana
• Ukucindezeleka nokukhathazeka: Enye cwaningo uveza ukuthi ukucindezeleka ngokweqile kubangela ukukhathazeka, okubangela ukungabi naluzwela kubantu

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Yini Eyenziwa Ukuswela Uzwela Ebudlelwaneni

Kuyini ukungabi naluzwela ebudlelwaneni futhi kubathinta kanjani abashadile? UDkt. Bhonsle uyachaza, “Ukuze ubudlelwano busebenze, bobabili abalingani kudingeka bavumelane nomunye. Lokhu kwenzeka kuphela ngoba baye bakhulumisana futhi baqondana kahle kangangokuthi omunye umlingani angakwazi ukufunda omunye njengokungathi ngemuva kwesandla sakhe. Ukuntula uzwela kuphazamisa lokhu kugeleza." Umuntu ongenalo uzwela akake enze umzamo wokuqonda nokufunda umlingani wakhe. Omunye uzakwethu ekugcineni uyayeka ukuxhumana. Kuleso simo, ukungabi naluzwela kwenzani ebuhlotsheni? Nansi eminye imiphumela yokuntula uzwelo:

• Kwenza omunye umlingani angahlonishwa futhi angahlonishwa. Akukho ukwazisa ngabo, futhi konke ngabo kuthathwe kalula
• Uzakwethu ongakwazi ukuzwelana ngeke akwazi ukuqaphela imizamo eyenziwa umlingani wakhe ebuhlotsheni
• Ukuntula uzwela kubangela ukukhungatheka nokucindezeleka kumlingani ekugcineni kokwamukela
• Ukuntula uzwela nakho kwenza ubuhlobo bube nokwehluleka okuqinisekile. Ulindele ukuthi ubuhlobo buyosebenza kanjani uma kungekho nhlonipho, kungekho ukwazisa, futhi kungekho ukukhulumisana okungenasici—konke lokhu kubangelwa uzwela?

9 Izimpawu Zokungabi Nozwelo Ebudlelwaneni Bakho

Wake wazibuza ukuthi ungamtshela kanjani uma umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela? Zinike isikhashana ucabange ngobudlelwano bakho obunamandla. Ingabe uzizwa uzinikela kakhulu ebudlelwaneni ngaphandle kokuthola okuningi ngembuyiselo? Ingabe uzizwa wahlulelwa futhi uqondwa kabi umlingani wakho? Ingabe umlingani wakho uyehluleka ukunikeza induduzo lapho uyidinga kakhulu? Uma kunjalo, ubhekene nezimpawu ezicacile zokuntula uzwela ebuhlotsheni. Ake sibheke ngokujulile lezi zimpawu zezinganekwane:  

1. Imizwa yakho ngokuvamile ayisebenzi 

UDkt. Bhonsle uyachaza, “Lokhu kungenye yezimpawu ezisobala kakhulu zokuntula uzwela ebudlelwaneni. azizwe enganakiwe ebudlelwaneni.” Uma umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela, angase agcine ethi:

• “Uzwela kakhulu.” 
• “Ungathathi ngamawala, akulutho lokhu.” 
• “Awukwazi ukwenza ihlaya.”

UDkt. Bhonsle uyanezela, “Ngivumele ngikubeke ngale ndlela—uma umuntu ekhononda ngobuhlungu besifuba, impendulo yokuqala iwukumyisa esibhedlela.Kunokuphuthuma ukuhlola isizathu esibangela ubuhlungu obungokomzimba. Lokhu kusabela kufanele kube inkambo evamile ngobuhlungu obungokomzwelo noma iziyaluyalu. Labo abangenalo uzwela abakakulungeli ukubheka imizwa yabanye.

Ngokuzayo lapho uzwakalisa ukukhathazeka kwakho ngokungabaza, bheka ukuthi umlingani wakho uphendula kanjani. Ingabe bahileleke futhi banesithakazelo sokuthola ukuthi kungani uzizwa ngendlela ozizwa ngayo? Noma ingabe bayahlehla futhi babone ingxoxo ingabalulekile? Uzoba nempendulo yakho yokuthi ungasho kanjani uma umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela.

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2. Uhlale ugxekwa 

Nanka amanye amabhomu eqiniso ngalabo abangenalo uzwela:

• Banobunzima bokuqonda umbono wabanye
• Bayashesha ukwahlulela nokugxeka kabuhlungu
• Abakwazi ukubekezela futhi ukuxolelana ebudlelwaneni akuyona amandla abo
• Isimo sabo sengqondo siyabaqeda amandla labo ababazungezile

UCathy, oneminyaka engu-40 wasebhange waseWashington obedonsa kanzima ebudlelwaneni bakhe uyazibuza ukuthi yingoba umlingani wakhe akanalo uzwelo nozwelo. Wasibhalela wathi, “Ngelinye ilanga ngabuyela ekhaya ngemva kosuku olude emsebenzini ngazenzela inkomishi yekhofi, ngikhathele ngikhathele ngahlala kusofa ngachitha ikhofi ngephutha ngisaqhuba, umngane wami wavele wangithethisa ngokunganaki kwami ​​ngaphandle kokuzwakalisa ukukhathala kwami. Ukugxeka okunjalo okunonya kungenye yezimpawu zokuntula uzwela okukhulu.

3. Uphathina wakho akavuleleki emqondweni

Umuntu ongenalo uzwela kungenzeka futhi abe nomqondo oseduze futhi abe nenkani ngemibono yakhe. Nakhu okumele ukuqaphele:

• Kukhona ukulungiselelwa okuzenzakalelayo ekhanda labo okubenza bacabange ukuthi balungile ngaso sonke isikhathi 
• Bakholelwa ngobuqotho ekubeni yiqiniso kwemibono nezinqumo zabo
• Bangase bangaguquguquki ezindleleni zabo. Umbono wakho ungase uqashelwe, kodwa owabo uzoza kuqala
• Banelungelo futhi bajwayele ukwenza izinto ngendlela yabo
• Bakhombisa ukungafuni ukuyekethisa emshadweni noma ubudlelwano

UDkt. Bhonsle uyachaza: “Lapho abantu bengenangqondo evulekile, kungase kube nezizathu ezimbili: ukukhulela lapho wakhulela khona ngaphandle kozwela, noma ukukhuliswa lapho ukhoseliswe khona ngokweqile.” Noma ibuphi ubuntwana obukunoma yikuphi kwalezi zimo ezimbili ezeqisayo bungenza abantu bangabi naluzwela. manje sebengabantu abadala abangasebenzi kahle abanenkinga yobudlelwano.”

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4. Bakwedelela ngamabomu

UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Ukwenza izinqumo ngamabomu ezilimaza abalingani babo noma ezihluke ngokuphelele ezimisweni nasezinkolelweni zabo kuwuphawu lomuntu ongenalo uzwela. Kuyinto yamabomu impela futhi isisusa siwukucasula omunye umuntu. Kunomqondo othile wobubi obangela lezi zenzo, futhi unenkinga eseduze edinga ukunakekelwa okuphuthumayo.”

Lokhu ukuntula uzwelo okusho ukuthi KUMELE wazi. Umlingani wakho uzokuwela azi ngezinto ezingasho lutho. Isibonelo, uma ungumuntu ohloniphekile okholelwa ekubongeni abantu ngomsebenzi abawenzayo, uzothola umlingani wakho enza okuphambene kakhulu. Zicabange usendaweni yokudlela, lapho umlingani wakho ethuka khona uweta ngamabomu noma emqhweba iminwe. Lokhu kuziphatha kuwukuhlambalaza amanani akho kanye nezintandokazi zakho. Izimo ezinjalo zibonisa ukuntula uzwela ebudlelwaneni futhi ziwumbukiso wenzondo evela kumlingani wakho. Naka lezi izimpawu eziyisixwayiso zobuthi.

5. Umlingani wakho uvame ukushaya izinto ngendlela engafani

Abantu abangenalo uzwela bavame ukuba nokuguqa ngamadolo ezimweni "bangaphezu nje". Uma kungabikho uzwelo ebudlelwaneni, impendulo ayilingani nesigameko esenzekile. Lolu phawu luyigatsha lokugxeka nokungahloniphi. Emqondweni wabo, ubudlelwano obuhlukumezayo nobungenampilo nokuntula uzwelo.

Abantu abanobuthi basabela ngokweqile lapho bebhekene nokuphazamiseka, kodwa balulaza izinkinga zophathina babo. Cabanga emuva ngempi yokugcina owawunayo. Uyakhumbula utshela umlingani wakho ukuthi ehlise umoya? Ingabe uzizwe besabela ngokweqile ngenkathi uzama ukubona umbono wabo noma kunjalo? Uma kunjalo, kuyacaca ukuthi uzama ukugcina ubuhlobo lapho umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela, futhi gosh, kufanele ukhathele.

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6. Kukhona ukuntula ukwazisa

Awukwazi ukwakha a ubuhlobo obunempilo ngaphandle kokubonga lokho okulethwa umlingani wakho etafuleni. Ukungabikho kokwazisa kuzoholela ezingxabano eziqhubekayo nokulwa. Uma kungabikho uzwelo ebudlelwaneni, abantu abayiboni imizamo yomunye nomunye nokuzidela. 

Konke kumayelana nelungelo lozakwethu ongenazwelo. Umfundi waseTexas, u-Alice, umgcini-mabhuku oneminyaka engu-32 ubudala, wasibhalela ngomngane wakhe owayengenaluzwela, wathi: “Ngangizwa ukuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle okwesikhashana kodwa ngingazi ukuthi ngingayivala kanjani. izingxoxo eziningi, salunqoba udaba futhi manje sesineminyaka engu-7 sisebudlelwaneni bethu.”

7. Usolwa ngezinkinga zakho

Abesilisa noma abesifazane abangenalo uzwela bavame ukucabanga ukuthi izinkinga zenzeka ngoba abantu 'bazifanele'. Umzala wami, uRyan, ukholelwa ngokuqinile ukuthi abantu bazibizela izinkinga. Futhi ucabanga ukuthi ubengazisingatha kangcono lezo zinkinga. Ukukholelwa ekhonweni lomuntu kuhle kakhulu, kodwa lokhu kuwukwelula okuqinisekile. Uma umuntu esebenza ngalo mbono, ugcina esenokhahlo futhi egxeka abanye ngezikhathi zosizi. Nansi indlela lesi simo sengqondo esihumusha ngayo ekuntulekeni kwezimpawu zozwelo ebudlelwaneni:

• Uma kwenzeka uye kumlingani wakho unenkinga, umbuzo wabo wokuqala cishe uqala ngokuthi, "Kungani - ?" Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi bavele bacabange ukuthi iphutha ngelakho
• Ifoni yakho iyaphahlazeka, futhi bayakubuza, "Kungani ungathuthukelanga kumodeli yakamuva ngenkathi ngikucela?" 
• Osebenza naye uyakucasula futhi bathi, "Kungani umvumele ukuthi angene ngaphakathi kwekhanda lakho?" 
• Kukhona ithoni engezansi yokuthi “ngikutshelile” empendulweni ngayinye

8. Kukhona ukuntuleka kokuziphendulela 

Ukuziphendulela kuyadingeka ukuze kuxazululwe izingxabano futhi kunempilo futhi ukuxhumana okuvulekile ebudlelwaneni. Akunakwenzeka ukuphila impilo ejabulisayo lapho umlingani wakho ehlala ephika ngamaphutha akhe. Abagcini nje ngokunqaba ukuxolisa, kodwa futhi bachitha isisekelo sesikhalazo sakho. Isiqubulo sabo sithi: lokhu okuzwayo akuhlangene nami.

UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Abukho ubungako bokusebenza ebuhlotsheni ngaphandle kokuba umuntu athwale umthwalo wemfanelo ngezenzo zakhe. Kufanele baqonde ukuthi izinqumo zabo zithinta abanye abaseduze. 

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9. Umlingani wakho akatholakali ngokomzwelo

Khumbula umqondo wozwela oluthinta inhliziyo. Kuyikhono lomuntu lokufunda imizwa yabanye futhi aphendule ngendlela efanele. Labo abangenalo uzwela abazona izinsika ezinhle zemizwelo ukwesekwa ebudlelwaneni. Nakhu:

• Abaqondi ukuthi umuntu uzizwa emuhle noma omubi kangakanani. Bangase benze iphutha lokudabuka njengentukuthelo
• Izimpendulo zabo azifanele neze. Ngokwesibonelo, labo abangenaluzwela baqhulula amahlaya ngesikhathi esingafanele
• Phakathi nezikhathi ezinzima ekuphileni kwakho, bangase bahluleke ukukunikeza induduzo noma induduzo

Izindlela Eziyi-11 Zokubhekana Nomaqondana Ongenalo Uzwelo

Manje njengoba wazi konke ngokuntuleka kwezimpawu zozwela, ake sithole ukuthi singabhekana kanjani nakho. Lokhu kuwuvivinyo lweqiniso lokubekezela ngoba akukho sixazululo esisheshayo kulolu daba. Uma ufuna ukusindisa ubudlelwano lapho umlingani engenalo uzwela, kufanele ulungele ukufaka umsebenzi. 

UDkt. Bhonsle uyachaza, “Kudinga ukusebenza kanzima ukuze ulondoloze ubuhlobo obuntula uzwela. Kodwa ngomzamo ongaguquguquki, ungakwazi ukufundisa uzwela kumuntu ngamunye. Izinqubo ezisezingeni eliphezulu yilezi: ukulalela kangcono, ukucabanga ngaphambi kokuphendula, ukubekezelela imibono emisha nezindlela, njll. Ezingeni elijulile, futhi kuthatha isikhathi esincane, ukucabanga komuntu ngamunye kusetshenzwa ngokuxazulula izinkinga ezidlule.” Nazi izindlela eziyi-11 zokubhekana nokuntula uzwelo ebudlelwaneni.

1. Khuluma nomlingani wakho

Imvamisa, abantu bayayeka ukuzama ukulungisa izinto nozakwethu onozwela. Bamane bavumelane ngendlela izinto eziyiyo futhi bazithole bevaleleke emishadweni engasebenzi noma ebudlelwaneni iminyaka, omunye umlingani ebeka engcupheni izidingo nezifiso zabo esikhundleni sokudlulisa imizwa yabo ngokuhluzekile nangokugomela. Ukuze uphule le phethini, udinga ukufunda ukuthi ungaxhumana kanjani ngempumelelo nomlingani wakho.

UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Kuzodingeka nixoxisane ngokobuzwe. Uma ukwenza lokhu ngendlela eqhutshwa imizwa, umlingani wakho uzophinde akuxoshe. Ungabi namadlingozi endleleni yakho yokukhuluma. Uma ungeke umenze abone umthelela wokuntula uzwela, gcizelela kubo imiphumela yezenzo zabo. Umlingani wakho angase angaboni ukuthi kungani ukungabi naluzwela kuyimbangela yobuhlobo bakho kodwa kungase kuholele ekuqondeni lokho kuziphatha kwenu.”

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2. Ungazibeki icala

Kulula ukuqala ukuthola amaphutha kuwena nasezenzweni zakho lapho umlingani wakho ekukhanyisa futhi ekugxeka. Nokho, kufanele wenze umzamo oqotho wokuwela kulolu gibe. Ukuntula uzwelo kukhombani ngomlingani wakho nobudlelwano bakho? Kuqaphele. Kuzokusiza ukuthi uzibambe ungaziphikisi wena. Umlingani noma umlingani umthwalo wemizwa akuyona into okufanele ubeke icala ngayo.

Ukugcina ukulingana kwakho ngokomzwelo kubaluleke kakhulu esimweni esinjalo. Uma wehluleka ukulondoloza impilo yakho engokomzwelo/yengqondo, izimo zizoqala ukukuqeda ukuzethemba kwakho. Ukuba sebudlelwaneni nomlingani ongenalo uzwelo akuyona into elula. Ukuthathwa kalula, ukupha njalo, ukuphila nemizamo yakho ngaphandle kokuqashelwa futhi engaziswa—ubuhlobo obungenalo uzwela oluyisisekelo bungakukhungathekisa phakade. Zinike udumo esikhundleni sokugxeka izenzo zakho.

3. Ukulwa nokuntula uzwela ebudlelwaneni nozwelo

Udokotela ohlinzayo wenhliziyo waseTurkey-American, usopolitiki, nomsakazi we-TV uMehmet Oz wake wathi, “Okuphambene nentukuthelo akukhona ukuzola, uzwela.” Ngezikhathi zokucasuka, zama ukuqonda ukuthi umlingani wakho ungumkhiqizo wokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe. Indlela yabo yokungabi naluzwela iwumphumela oqondile walokho abaye babhekana nakho ekuphileni. Nakuba lokhu kungabaniki imvume yokungaziphathi kahle noma ukungacabangeli, kuyincazelo yokuziphatha kwabo. Uma usuqondisile ukuthi yini ebangela ukuntula uzwela, uyozimisela ngokwengeziwe ukusekela imizamo yabo njengoba bengasafundi.

4. Ungalokothi uzithathele izinto mathupha

Isinyathelo sokuqala sokuzibheka akusona ukuthatha noma yini ngokwakho noma kabi uma uthola izimpawu ukuthi umlingani wakho akanalo uzwelo. Izenzo noma inkulumo yabo ayibonisi ukungakwazi kwakho. Cacisa kahle kulokhu: umzuzu oqala ngawo ukuvumela amagama abo amabi ukuthi athinte impilo yakho, uzongena emzwelweni. Uzoqala ukholelwe ukuthi udinga ukuzilungisa. Akekho okufanele aguqule izici ezibalulekile zobuntu bakhe ngenxa yokuntula uzwela ebudlelwaneni.

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5. Funa usizo lochwepheshe ukuze ulondoloze ubuhlobo lapho umlingani wakho engenalo uzwela

UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Ukwelulekwa ngobudlelwano kusiza imibhangqwana ukuthi ibhekane nokuntula uzwela ebuhlotsheni babo.Ungaphendula imibuzo eminingi lapho, njengokuthi: Kungani abantu bengenalo uzwela? Kungenzeka yini ukusindisa ubuhlobo lapho umlingani engenalo uzwela? Ukuntula uzwela kubonisani? Ingabe labo abangenalo uzwela baphila esimweni sokucasuka? Ingabe bakhuliswe endaweni abazalelwa kuyo benomoya omnene, babenobungane? kuze kube sezingeni lokonakala ukuxhumana phakathi kwabalingani kungahamba kahle uma kukhona uchwepheshe wezempilo yengqondo.”

Uma udonsa kanzima ukuze uzulazule ebudlelwaneni obungenalo uzwelo, ukufuna usizo lochwepheshe kungakusiza ukuthi uqine. Ukuze uthole okwengeziwe, xhumana no abeluleki abanelayisensi nongoti bezengqondo kuphaneli yeBonobology.

6. Beka imingcele

Uma usothandweni nomuntu ongenalo uzwelo, lungiselela ukubeka phambili wena. Lokhu kusebenza ezimeni lapho ubone ukuntula okuphawulekayo kwezimpawu zozwelo futhi uhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo, ngokomzimba, noma ngokwengqondo. Dweba futhi uphoqelele imingcele yobudlelwano ngokushesha ukuze uvikele inhlalakahle yakho. Uma ucabanga ukuthi ukungabi naluzwelo kozakwenu kubangela usongo oluqondile ekuphepheni kwakho, cabanga ukusuka ebuhlotsheni. Khumbula, bobabili abantu kufanele bazimisele ukusindisa ubudlelwano lapho umlingani engenalo uzwela.

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7. Zijwayeze ukulalela ngokucophelela

Ukuntula uzwela kungase kubangelwa izizathu ezihlukahlukene. Ukuze uthole ukuthi yini ngempela ebangela lokho, udinga ukuzijwayeza ukulalela kangcono. Nansi indlela yokwenza:

• Lalela ukuze wazi izizathu zokuntula kwabo uzwela
• Naka izimpawu ezingakhulumi. Ungaqonda ukuthi abantu bazizwa kanjani ngawe ngendlela abakhuluma ngayo nabaziphatha ngayo

8. Yiba sengozini

Ukuze uthuthukise i-quotient enozwela ebuhlotsheni bakho, udinga ukuvula imizwa. Ungesabi ukuba sengozini nomlingani wakho. Vumela ukuqapha kwakho (yebo, kungaba nzima uma umlingani wakho esetshenziselwa ukwenza imizwelo yakho ingasebenzi, kodwa zama), futhi ubenze babone uhlangothi lwakho oluluhlaza. 

Ungasebenzisa i-quotient yakho yomzwelo ukuqondisa ubudlelwano bakho endaweni efanele. Ngokwesibonelo, uDebbie, uthisha oneminyaka engu-35 ubudala waseTexas, wasibhalela: “Ngesonto eledlule, ngaxabana nozakwethu ngemva kokuba ekhohlwe ukungithumelela iphakethe elibalulekile.” Esikhundleni sokuziphendulela, wangithethisa ngokusabela ngokweqile wabe eseyeka ukudla ukuze abonise intukuthelo yakhe. ukwelashwa buthule. 

“Kodwa-ke nganquma ukubona ukuthi kuzokwenzekani uma ngingamzibi noma ngibonise ukuthi ngisacasukile, ngambuza ukuthi angathanda yini isidlo sakusihlwa, wancibilika, wangitshela ukuthi wayecindezelekile ngomsebenzi futhi wayesekhohliwe ngokuphelele. Njengoba ubona, udinga ukukhombisa imizwa yakho ukuze nayo ivuleke.

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9. Qaphela umlingani wakho

Uzofunda okuningi ngomlingani wakho uma nje uthatha isinqumo sokumbheka. Uma umlingani wakho ebonise ukuntula izimpawu zozwelo, nakisisa ukuziphatha kwakhe ngesikhathi nangemva kwesenzo bese uzibuza:

• Yini oyifundile ngokubheka imisebenzi yabo ngemuva kwesinqumo?
• Ingabe baphoqeleka ukuba benze isinqumo ngenxa yezinkinga ezithile zomuntu siqu?
• Wena wawungenzenjani esimweni esifanayo?

Lokhu kuzokunikeza ukuqonda okuningi ngembangela ewumsuka yokuntula uzwela futhi kungase kukusize uzulazule ezimweni ezifanayo kangcono ngokuzayo. Ngaphandle kwalokho, lapho uxoxa nabo ngalolu daba, uzobe ukuhlomele kangcono ukunikeza izibonelo ezibambekayo zokuthi inkinga ilele kuphi. 

10. Siza umlingani wakho akhiqize uzwela

Siza umlingani wakho athuthukise ikhono lokuzwelana. Ungagcini nje ngokwenza izenzo zabo ebudlelwaneni. Ngisho noma umlingani wakho ehlulela abanye, hlala phansi nikhulume. Xoxani ngokuthi kungani nicabanga ukuthi akufanele bahlulele abanye. Ngale ndlela, bazokwazi ukuzwelana nawe lapho besezimeni ezinzima nawe. Nasi isibonelo esisodwa:

Intombi yakho iyathukuthela ifunda izindaba zomlingisi ohlukanisa nomkakhe iminyaka engu-10 ngemuva kokuba nesivunguvungu. ukujola ngaphandle komshado nozakwethu. Uqala ukugxeka umlingisi nesinqumo sakhe. Uyangena, uthi kungenzeka ukuthi unezizathu zakhe, futhi akazi ukuthi umshado wabo ubunobuthi yini.

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11. Bacele ukuthi basize

Lapho umuntu ngokwemvelo engenalo uzwela, angase angazi ukuthi kufanele asabele kanjani noma angene, ezimweni ezithile. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungase kudingeke ukhulume kakhulu ngezidingo zakho. Kuhle impela ukubacela ukuthi bakusize ngento obhekene nayo noma bakutshele indlebe noma ihlombe. Uma umlingani wakho enza umzamo wokuhlangabezana nezidingo zakho, kuwuphawu olukhuthazayo lokuthi benza umzamo wokuba ngcono. 

Imicabango Final

Lapha sifika esiphethweni salo mhlahlandlela ophelele wokuntuleka kozwelo ebudlelwaneni. Siyaqiniseka ukuthi manje usuzazi izimpendulo zombuzo othi, “Kuyini ukuntula uzwela?”, futhi ukuhlonyiselwe ukubhekana ngqo nezinselele ezihlobene nalolu daba. Khumbula ukuthi ungahluleli umuntu ongakwazi ukubonisa uzwela. Lokho kungakwenza ungabi naluzwelo nawe. Kunalokho, funda ukubona ukuntuleka kwezimpawu zozwela bese uzama ukuthola izizathu ezibangela lokho. Ukulwisana nokuntula uzwela ngendlela yozwela kuwukubheja kwakho okuhle kakhulu ekusindiseni ubudlelwano futhi usebenzela isibopho esinempilo, esihle kakhulu. 

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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