Ko te ariā o te whanaungatanga e ahu mai ana i te aroha. E tumanako ana te tangata ki tētahi pūrākau aroha, ki tētahi whakaari, ki tētahi mutunga harikoa rongonui pērā i ngā kiriata rom-com whakarihariha o Hollywood. Engari, he onge ngā whanaungatanga e kanapa ana, e kākahu haute-couture rānei. Me mahi i ia rā, i ia rā, kia pakari ai te turanga whanaungatanga.
Whakaarohia te turanga o tētahi whanaungatanga pērā i te whare. Ki te kore he whanaungatanga pai, ka pakaru te mea e whakawhanakehia ana e koe. Kātahi ka whakawakia koe mō te hara o te kore aroha. Ka puta he whakamātautau me ngā roimata. Hei te mutunga, ka tae te whanaungatanga ki te tārewa.
Nā tēnā ka tae mai te pātai: He aha te āhua o tētahi turanga whanaungatanga hauora? Hei whakautu i ngā pātai mō ngā turanga whanaungatanga taketake me ngā tohu o tōna ngoikore, kua kōrero ahau ki te tohunga hinengaro haumanu. Terewaena Ghosh (M.Res, Te Whare Wānanga o Manchester), te kaiwhakaū o Kornash: The Lifestyle Management School, he tohunga ki te tohutohu i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine me te whakaora whānau.
He aha te Pūtake o te Hononga
Ripanga o Ihirangi
"Ina pakari te turanga o tō whanaungatanga, ka taea e koe te noho ko koe anō, kāore koe e hiahia ki te whakaari, ka puta te pono me te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero me te kore e wehi kei whakahengia koe, ā, ka whiwhi ngā hoa i a rātou anō," te kī a Devaleena.
He tokorua e whakarite ana ngā mea iti i roto i te whanaungatanga he mea whaiaro ki a rātou. He maha ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e whakaaro ana he huarahi hauora tēnei hei hanga i tētahi turanga whanaungatanga. Ka aro nui rātou ki ngā taipitopito, ā, ka riro i a rātou te aroha tetahi ki tetahi.
Hei tauira, i kōrero mai a Julia ki a mātou kua mahi tahi rāua ko tana hoa rangatira, ko Armie, i ētahi mea kia mau tonu ai te turanga o tā rāua whanaungatanga. "Mai i te tīmatanga o tā māua whanaungatanga, kāore māua i noho pūmau ki ngā tūranga, ki ngā mahi rānei. Engari ka taea e māua te whakahaere i runga i te whakaaro noa," te kī a Julia.
"Ka whakawātea mātou i ngā mahi o ia rā, pērā i te tunu kai me te horoi, me te kore kōrero nui," te kī a Armie. "Ā, kāore he whakaaro e hiahia ana mātou ki te mahi i tētahi mea pai ki tētahi. Ka mahia e mātou mā mātou tokorua. Ko tā mātou whāinga matua he kimi i ētahi wā wātea i te mutunga o te rā hei mātakitaki i te pouaka whakaata tino para."
Me whai hinengaro pono te pūtake pakari o te whanaungatanga. He pakeketanga te mārama ko ngā mahi a te tangata i roto i te whanaungatanga he mea hei whakapai ake i te hononga katoa, ehara i te mea hei painga mō tētahi atu tangata. Engari, ko ētahi tāngata ka mahi i ngā mahi whakahirahira hei whakaatu i tō rātou aroha. Ina kore e angitu, ka puta te tangi me te whawhai, te whakapae me te amuamu, ā, ka whai muri ko te tangihanga o te aroha. Ka haere tahi mai te koretake me ngā whakaaro mō te mokemoke. Ka kite koe i a rātou i te tangihanga nā te mea he tino koretake rātou.
8 Ngā Tohu He ngoikore te Tūāpapa o tō Hononga
"Ko te kore tautoko, te hae, te whanonga whakahaere, te riri, te tinihanga, te whakaute, te kore aro ki ngā kare ā-roto, te kore mārama o te taha pūtea, me te whakapae i tetahi mea, koinei ētahi o ngā tohu e tohu ana i te ngoikore o te turanga o tō whanaungatanga," te kī a Devaleena.
Ka tīmata ēnei raruraru ki te pakaru i te turanga o tō whanaungatanga. Ka waihangahia e ngā pakaru he wāhi mō ngā pakanga. Ka haria e koe ngā mamae o ō tautohetohe ki te mahi, ā, i te mutunga ki te pae inu.
Engari, he nui ō kōrua pakanga? Kei te pātai koe he aha te pūtake o te aroha? Mena āe, me whakaaro anō pea tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Anei ētahi tohu o te pūtake ngoikore o te whanaungatanga.
1. Ko te hiahia ki te whakahaere he tohu i te ngoikore o te turanga whanaungatanga
Ina hiahia te hoa ki te kī atu ki tētahi atu kia mutu te mahi i ētahi mea, e whakaatu ana i te wiri o te turanga o te whanaungatanga. Tukua atu, hei painga mōu. Nā te mea ki te tīmata koe ki te whakahaere, ka takahi koe i ngā kupu whakaari o te wāhi whaiaro i roto i te whanaungatanga me te whakamarie e whai wāhi ana ki te tūāpapa o tō kōrua whanaungatanga.
I whakarērea e Shailene, he kaiako kura waenga, tana hononga ki a Allan, he kaiako yoga, nā te mea he kaha rawa tana whakahaere. "He hoa wahine tāku i mua i a Allan. He hoa māua ko taku hoa wahine o mua i ēnei rā. Kei roto i aku hononga kua pakeke ake," tana kī.
Engari, e hiahia tonu ana a Allan ki te mōhio ko wai te hoa e tūtaki ana ahau. Ina whakaae pono a Shailene kei te tūtaki ia ki tana hoa wahine o mua, ka kitea te pouri o Allan.
"Kua kai tahi taku hoa wahine o mua me mātou. E mōhio ana ia ki a Allan. Kāore anō kia puta he wā rerekē i waenganui i a māua e whakaatu ana i te whanaungatanga piripono, engari ka riri a Allan," te whakamārama a Shailene.
I kī atu ia he whakapae a Allan. I tētahi wā ka puta he tautohe, ā, ka whakapae ia i a Shailene mō te tūtaki puku ki te hoa – ko te tikanga o tēnei i roto i te papakupu a Allan ko te tīmatanga o tētahi hononga.
I pōuri te āhua i te tāutanga a Allan i tētahi taupānga pūmanawa tirotiro ki te waea a Shailene hei aroturuki i ana mahi.
I te Hononga o Amerika, e 6-7.5 miriona tāngata e whaia ana i ia tau, e ai ki tētahi pūrongo mai i te Pokapū Mōhiotanga me te Rauemi mō te Ārai i te WhaiwhaiKotahi i roto i te tokowhā o ngā tāngata i pāngia e te whaiwhai i kī i tuteia rātou mā te whakamahi i tētahi momo hangarau.
I te kitenga o Shailene i tēnei, ka whakatata atu ia ki ngā pirihimana hei whakahē i a Allan. E kore te hiahia ki te whakahaere i te whanaungatanga e whakangaro noa i te turanga taketake, engari ka huri pea ki te rohe morearea o te hara.
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2. Tino whakawhirinaki ki ngā hoa mahi
Ki te pakari te turanga o te whanaungatanga, ka taea e ngā hoa tokorua te noho takitahi, me te noho tahi hoki. Ka whai wāhi te tū motuhake ki te turanga whanaungatanga hauora. Heoi, ki te kore e pērā, ka pōuri pea ngā hoa i a rātou e mahi ana i ngā mea ko rātou anake.
Ka taea e te whakawhirinaki te hanga raruraru i a koe e whakawhanake ana i te turanga o tētahi whanaungatanga roa. He piripono koe ki te whakawhirinaki koe ki tō hoa mō tetahi mea. Tērā pea ka mutu koe ki te noho pōuri mena ka whakatau koe ki te tatari kia uru mai rātou ki a koe i ngā mea katoa.
Kia maumahara, ehara koe i te kiripuaki nō tētahi pukapuka nō te wā Wikitōria – kāore e taea e koe te noho tatari me te ngākau nui ki ngā hoa aroha. Ko te whakaae te mea nui ki te whakatau i te nui rawa o te whakawhirinaki. Whakaaetia ka taea e tō hoa te pārekareka ki tētahi pō kāore koe. He mea motuhake te harikoa me te whakahihiri ki ia whanaungatanga – ahakoa i waenga i ngā hoa, i ngā whānau, me ngā hoa rangatira.
"Whakamahia te manawanui ki a koe anō, me te whakawhanake i te manawanui ki te hinga i te whakawhirinaki ki te hoa," te kī a Devaleena, me te tāpiri atu, "Me mōhio koe ki ō raruraru, me whakapakari i tō whakaaro ki a koe anō, me te whakapai ake i ō pūkenga pāpori."
3. He mea ngaro tāu e pupuri ana
Ka kōrero koe i tētahi mea ki tētahi hoa piripono, engari kāore ki tō hoa. E whakama ana koe mō te huna i taua mea ngaro mai i tō hoa, engari kāore e pai ki te kōrero – kei te wehi koe kei whakahengia koe? Mena āe, he raruraru whakawhitiwhiti kōrero kei mua i a tāua ka pā kino ki te whanaketanga o tētahi turanga pumau o tētahi whanaungatanga.
Nā te mea he āhua motuhake tōu mō tō hoa, he wehi rānei kei kore rātou e mārama ki tō mea ngaro, koia koe i pai ai ki te huna.
He rite tonu ngā mataku o Lena, he kaimahi tunu kai kāinga. Ko tana hoa mahi mō ngā tau e rima, ko Hadley, he tino whakahē i ngā kai Vietnamese. Heoi, i hiahia a Lena ki te ako me pēhea te hanga mīti kau pho (he momo hupa) me ngā rōra raumati. Nō reira, i whakauru ia ki ngā akomanga kai Vietnamese engari i huna e ia i a Hadley.
"Kua ruarua ahau. Kāore e taea e au te whakamātau i te kai i te kāinga. I whakaaro ahau ki te tū atu ki a ia, engari i whakatau ahau ki te mahi i tēnei ko au anake. Kei te pēhia ahau e te taumahatanga," te kī a Lena.
Ko te ngaronga o te pono he tohu nō te ngoikore o te turanga o tētahi whanaungatanga. E tohu ana hoki i te te kore korero... Kāore rānei koe e whakahē ana i te āhuatanga me tō hoa rangatira i te tino kaha. Kua tae ki te wā kia peke atu koe, kia whakakitea ō mea ngaro. He maha ngā wā, kāore e taea e koe te whakahaere i ngā whakaaro o ētahi atu mōu.
4. He kino ngā tautohetohe
He rerekētanga, ā, he tautohetohe anō hoki. "E pā ana ngā rerekētanga ki ngā uara taketake, me ngā whakapono matua – kāore e taea te whiriwhiri," te kī a Devaleena, me te tāpiri, "Engari ka taea te whakatau i ngā tautohetohe."
Engari, ngā tautohetohe whanaungatanga paitini Ka haria koe ki tētahi haerenga ki Regret-ville, ka wehe atu i te kokonga o te tiriti o te turanga whanaungatanga kino. Ko ētahi o ngā tautohetohe kino ko te whakapae i ngā mātua mō te whakatipuranga, te whawhai tonu mō ngā take kotahi, te kawe mai i ngā hoa o mua, tae noa ki te ohorere, te whakamahi i ngā whanonga kino a te hoa hei whakaatu i a rātou i roto i te tirohanga kino.
Ka puta pinepine ngā tautohetohe ina memeha haere te kaupapa whakawhitiwhiti kōrero i te pūtake o te whanaungatanga. Ina kite te hoa kāore tetahi e whakarongo ana, ka tīmata rātou ki te whakapuaki i tā rātou whakaaro.
Ko te hoa, kāore e hiahia ki te whakarongo, ka riri, ā, ka mahi i tētahi mea – ahakoa kāore i te mōhio – e whakaatu ana i te kore aro. Ka whakaitihia te wairua, ā, ka tīmata ngā tautohetohe. Ka inehia ngā tohu o tēnei whakataetae i roto i te maha o ngā mauahara ka puta ake i te mutunga.
He pūkenga roa te whakawhanake i te tautohetohe whai hua i roto i te whanaungatanga. Me kotahi te whakaaro o ngā hoa. Me kōrero, me matapaki, me tautohetohe hoki i ngā take, he wāhanga nui hoki tēnei o te hanga turanga mō te whanaungatanga. Ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero e hiahia ana ki te whakamarie, te whakawhirinaki, me te hiahia ki te titiro ki tua atu i ngā tautohetohe.
5. Te kore o te whanaungatanga
I te tīmatanga o te whanaungatanga, i mahi aroha kōrua. I whakamātau kōrua i roto i te moenga. He mirimiri ngākau nui ki ngā tinana kua honoa tetahi ki tetahi. Ko te taatai he whakaaturanga aroha.
Heoi, kāore e roa te mura o tēnei aroha. Ka pā kino pea ki te whanaungatanga piripono. I ngā tau i muri mai, tera pea ka moe ō hoa – ngenge ana, e pukumahi ana rānei ki ētahi atu whakaaro – me te tū o ō rātou tuara tetahi ki tetahi.
"Kua whakahaerehia e Tākuta Dorothy Tennov, he tohunga hinengaro, he rangahau roa mō te āhuatanga aroha. I muri i tana rangahau i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine maha, i whakatau ia ko te roanga o te oranga o tētahi tangata e arohaina ana e te aroha he rua tau," te kī a Gary Chapman i roto i tana pukapuka. Ngā Reo Aroha e Rima: Me pēhea te Whakapuaki i te Pūmautanga o te Ngākau ki tō Hoa.
Kāore i te tino angitu te whanaungatanga kore-ira tangata. Mā te kore o te whanaungatanga piripono ka kitea pea ētahi atu āputa i roto i te pūtake o te whanaungatanga. Me āhei ngā hoa ki te whakaaro "me moe tāua" i muri i te whakaaro noa. Me whakaata i te kaha ki te whakaoho i te ngākau nui i roto i te whanaungatanga i roto i ngā āhuatanga noa. Mā tēnā ka waiho hei pūtake pakari mō te whanaungatanga.
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6. Kāore he reo aroha
Ko te reo aroha tētahi o ngā mea iti e tautuhi ana i te turanga o te whanaungatanga. He rerekē ngā huarahi e whakapuakina ai te aroha e ia tangata, e ia tangata. Te pā o te tinana, Tuhinga o muaKo te whakapau i te wā kounga, ngā mahi āwhina, me te hoatu, te whiwhi rānei i ngā koha, ko ētahi o ngā reo aroha e mōhiotia whānuitia ana i waenga i ngā hoa.
Ki te kore ngā hoa e mōhio ki te reo aroha o tētahi ki tētahi, ka kino pea te turanga o te whanaungatanga. Heoi anō, ki te kore he reo aroha i waenganui i a kōrua, ko te tikanga kāore koe i mahi ki te hanga i te turanga o tō kōrua whanaungatanga.
Kati te mangere. Kimihia te mea e whakahihiri ana i tō hoa, whakaaturia rānei ki a ia te mea e whakahihiri ana i tōu. Mā ngā reo aroha ka ora tonu te aroha. Me mōhio ngā hoa ki ngā reo aroha i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ko ia mahi e mahia ana hei whakamanawareka me whiwhi me te hihiri. Ahakoa ehara te whakamānawa i te whāinga pumau, ko te hoatu i te mea e hiahiatia ana e te hoa i ētahi wā kāore e kiia he kino.
7. Kāore rātou e whakarōpū i a koe ki te kaupapa matua
He pai ake ki a rātou te mahi pō i te tari, te whakapaipai i ngā tuhinga mutunga kore, i te hoki ki te kāinga mō te haora kiriata. He hoa rānei kei te tatari tonu mai me te take – te pia, te waina, te hokohoko rānei. Ka whakaritea e rātou ngā mea katoa engari ko koe anake.
Ki te whakamahi nui tō hoa i te kupu 'au' me te 'me' i roto i ngā kōrerorero, kaua ki te kupu 'mātou' me te 'tātou', tera pea kei mua i a koe tētahi tangata whakapehapeha. Tērā pea he roa te wā e noho whakarihariha ana ia i mua i te whakaata, e whakapaipai ana rānei i a ia anō.
He tohu pea tēnei kua tīmata rātou ki te pārekareka ki ētahi atu mea o te ao, ā, kua wareware noa iho rātou ki a koe. Kua wareware rātou he mea nui kia whai patunga tapu te turanga pakari o te whanaungatanga.
Ina kite te hoa kāore ia e arohia ana ahakoa i te taumata taketake, ka taea e ia te whakapohehe i te kaha o te whanaungatanga. Ka taea e ia te waihanga i te wairua whakarērea i roto i te tangata.
Kia maumahara tonu, i whakaae kōrua ki te whakaae tahi me te urutau, me te whakatakoto i te turanga mō tētahi whanaungatanga pumau.
8. Ngā take moni
He mea nui te hototahitanga pūtea. Me mōhio ngā tāne me ngā wāhine ki te whakapau i ā rātou moni whiwhi. Mā tēnei ka waiho hei tūāpapa mō ngā whanaungatanga roa.
I te tīmatanga, ka whakapau moni pea ngā hoa tetahi ki tetahi, ka hoatu koha, ka whakarite rā hei kukume i te ngākau o tetahi. Engari ina kitea te whakamarie o te tokorua, ka huri te moni hei mahi whaiaro anō.
Tērā pea ka mutu te takoha a ngā hoa rangatira ki ngā whakapaunga tahi, ki te whare rānei mēnā kei te noho tahi rāua, kua marena rānei. Ka pāngia e ngā tautohe e pā ana ki te moni ētahi o ō tātou hiahia hinengaro me ngā mataku hohonu, ehara i te mea ko te whakawhirinaki, te haumaru, te tūpato, te mana, te whakahaere, me te oranga tonutanga anake.
Heoi anō, ki te kore te hoa o muri mai i te whanaungatanga e whakapau moni, tera pea ka rerekē te āhua o tā rāua whakapau moni i mua. Tērā pea he tohu kei te memeha haere te hiahia. Ngā tautohe moni ka kino pea te turanga o ngā whanaungatanga. Kāore e taea te kī ko te moni e whiwhihia ana e te tokorua i roto i te whanaungatanga he huarahi ki te whakapau moni noa.
Nō reira, he mea nui kia ako ki te wehewehe i ngā utu i te tīmatanga. Me wehewehe ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e noho tahi ana i ngā whakapaunga o te whare. Me whakahaere takitahi ngā tāne me ngā wāhine i roto i te whanaungatanga i ā rātou pūtea.
Ahakoa rā, kāore e ngaro katoa ngā tumanako mēnā ka ngoikore te turanga o tō whanaungatanga. Ka taea e koe te rapu āwhina i ngā wā katoa hei hanga anō i ngā mea kua ngaro. Nā te mea, kāore koe e hiahia kia noho tonu ki te pātai "he aha te turanga o te aroha?" ake tonu atu. Me whai koe ki te whakaara anō i te aroha me te hanga anō i tētahi turanga whanaungatanga pakari.
Ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe kua mahue i a koe ētahi mahi hei whakapakari i te turanga o tō whanaungatanga i mua i te hiki i ngā mea ki te taumata e whai ake nei, ā, kua takoto noa iho tō hononga, kia mōhio koe ehara i te mea ko koe anake. Kua āwhinahia e ngā kaiwhakaora hinengaro whai raihana, mātau hoki o te rōpū Bonobology te maha o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine i roto i ngā āhuatanga ōrite. Tērā pea ka whai hua koe i tēnei. Ko te āwhina tika he mea noa iho pāwhiri atu.
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Kāore tō koha e kiia he kaupapa aroha takohaMā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata katoa o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.
