Ahakoa he tangata whakamā, ehara i te mea ka waiho tonu ia kia aro atu ki ngā whakakorenga, kia kitea rānei ia i roto i ngā āhuatanga whakamā. He rerekē ki tā rātou e kōrero ana i roto i ngā kiriata mō te hunga whakamā, ehara i te mea he tangata whai mōhiti kanohi rātou e tīmata ana te kōrero hāhā i ia wā ka whakatata mai tētahi hoa aroha ki a rātou.
Ahakoa, hei tangata whakamā, e mōhio ana mātou he pai ake ki a koe te noho ki te taha o te pukapuka, te haereere rānei i tō kurī i te pō Paraire, tera pea ka pā mai te mahi uaua o te whakaipoipo ki a koe i ētahi wā. Nō reira, heoi anō, he rā anō me mau koe i tētahi tai, i taua kākahu rānei i makahia e koe ki muri o te rūma kakahu, ka haere ki tētahi o ngā wharekai pai rawa atu o te tāone. Hei whakawhitiwhiti kōrero, hei hoko i tētahi pounamu waina utu nui, hei aromatawai mēnā kei te puta mai tētahi mea, tera pea he nui rawa te mahi māu.
He tangata koe e hiahia ana ki te kai pīta me te inu kakahu moe, ā, ka wiri koe i te whakaaro ki te haere ki waho me te inu i te wharekai me te waina ataahua. Engari, ehara i te mea kāore e taea e koe te whakaatu i a koe ki waho me te kimi hoa e pai ana ki a koe, e hiahia ana hoki ki te noho tahi me koe. Hei whakaatu ki a koe me pēhea te whakatutuki i tēnā, kua kohikohia e mātou tēnei aratohu whakaipoipo mō te hunga whakama, me ngā tirohanga mai i kaiwhakaora hinengaro a Juhi Pandey (MA, MSc Hinengaro). Kia tukua tātou, kia matapakihia ētahi tohutohu mō te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama.
He uaua te whakaipoipo mō te hunga whakama?
Ripanga o Ihirangi
Ae, he uaua ake te whakaipoipo ki te hunga whakama, engari ehara i te mea kāore e taea, kāore hoki e mutu te whakaipoipo mai i te tīmatanga. He nui ake te aro o te hunga whakama ki te hōhonutanga i te kōrero poto me te hononga, kaua ki te whakangahau i te marea. Ko ēnei āhuatanga whakama kua whakamātauhia hei kaha i roto i ngā whanaungatanga. Ahakoa kei a koe ngā āhuatanga tūturu hei hanga hononga hōhonu ki tētahi, mā te tango i taua taahiraa tuatahi ka waiho te whakaipoipo hei mea hoha, hei mea taumaha hoki. Anei te take:
- Te whakaheke i ngā taiao pāpori: Mā te noho i roto i ngā taiao haruru, hihiko, ka ngaro pea koe. Kāore i rite ki te hunga tuwhera e tupu pai ana i roto i te pōrearea pāpori, he maha ngā wā ka hiahia te hunga whakama ki te wā mo rātou anō hei whakahou i a rātou anō. E kī ana te tohunga hinengaro haumanu a Laurie Helgoe, "Ka whakahihikohia te hunga whakama e ō rātou ao o roto, ā, ka pau i te nui rawa o te whakaohooho o waho." Kei roto i tēnā ko ngā pae inu, ngā pāti, me te tere pōrearea o te dating hou.
- Te pehanga ki te mahi: He maha ngā tāngata whakamāori e whakaaro ana me whakaatu he whakaaturanga hei whakataetae. Ina whakaritea koe ki te whakaaroaro me te mātakitaki, ka ahua rerekē te noho "ataata" mō ngā hāora. Ka arahi tēnei ki te ngenge, ka hiahia pea ngā tāngata whakamāori ki te mahi. whakarērea te whakaipoipo katoa.
- Te whakaroa ki te tīmata: Ka taea e te nekehanga tuatahi te whakararuraru. He maha ngā wā ka pai ake te hunga whakama ki te whakaaroaro i ngā mea, he nui rawa pea. Ka taea te hē o te whakamārama i taua okiokinga hei kore aro.
- Te uaua ki te whakatuwhera: Ehara i te mea ngāwari te ngoikore, inā koa mō te hunga e pupuri ana i ō rātou kare ā-roto kia tata. Heoi, ko te hononga whai tikanga he maha ngā wā e hiahiatia ana te tuwhera o ngā kare ā-roto. E whakamārama ana te tohunga hinengaro a Susan Cain, "He maha ngā wā ka whakaaro te hunga whakama i mua i te kōrero, ā, ka taea te pohehe i tēnei hei māhorahora, hei makariri rānei."
Ahakoa rā, he maha ngā mea ka taea e te hunga whakama te tuku i roto i ngā whanaungatanga—te pono, te whai whakaaro, te aroha, me te whakarongo hōhonu, hei tauira noa iho. Kāore koe e hiahia ki te whakarerekē i tō tuakiri kia angitu ai te whakaipoipo. Me kimi noa e koe te mea e pai ana māu.
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Ka haria tātou e tēnā ki te raruraru o te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama. Āe, kaua rawa e noho noa i te kāinga me te whakaaro kāore koe i te pai, ka kōrero atu mātou ki a koe i tēnā. E mōhio ana mātou he whakamataku te mātakitaki i te kōtiro tino ataahua e rere ana i roto i te rūma, me te mōhio kei te pai te katoa ki a ia. Ā, ko te whakaaro ki te haere ki reira me te kī, "Hey!" ka huri ō turi ki te tiēre, e mōhio ana mātou ki tēnā.
Ki te hunga whakama, ka rite te whakaipoipo ki tētahi mara maina o ngā āhuatanga e whakaohooho ana i te manukanuka. Ko te huarahi anake hei whakamarie i a koe ko te whakarērea i ō whakaaro katoa mō tō kore e tau ki te ao whakaipoipo hou. Kati te whakanoho i a koe ki roto i te pouaka me te tuku i a ia ki te whakatau i ngā mea katoa e mahia ana e koe.
Kātahi, whakamātauria te whai wāhi ki a koe anō, ka whakamātau i a koe anō ina tīmata ana te kukume i te tangata. Ki te kore koe e pena, kāore he tangata e mahi pera. Te whakamahi i te hinu kakara hē, te whakaputa i tētahi kōrero whakamā, te kōrero kino rānei, ka pena katoa. Ahakoa te hunga tino māia ki te kōrero ki waho, e ahua nei he tangata e rere noa ana i tēnei ao.
Kaua e tukua ngā hapa iti kia huri hei take nui i roto i tō hinengaro, ā, ka kite koe ko te nuinga o ngā raruraru whakaipoipo a te hunga whakama, e ahua nei he arai e kore e taea te wikitoria, ka māmā ake te whakatau. Nā, me kōrero tātou mō te whakatau i ēnei take i te wā e puta ake ai, me ēnei tohutohu atamai, ngāwari ki te whakatinana mō te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama.
11 Ngā Tohutohu Hei Teití Hei Tangata Whakamārama
Ko te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakamā, ko te tikanga, me tuku koe i a koe anō i roto i tō rohe whakamarie. He nui ngā mea i waho o tō rohe whakamarie! Ahakoa kei te ngana koe ki te takaro ki taua wahine ātaahua i tētahi pāti, kei te whakaaro rānei koe me pēhea te hanga i te whakaaro tuatahi tino pai i a koe e whakamātau ana i te whakaipoipo ipurangi hei tangata whakamā, ka mea mātou, "Ka pai koe!" E harikoa ana mātou kei te whakaatu koe i a koe anō ki waho, kei te tūhura hoki i ngā mea e pai ana ki a koe. Engari me pēhea e whakatau ai koe i ō raruraru whakaipoipo whakamā? Āe, i mua i tō haerenga atu ki taua wahine ātaahua me te mahi hē, he mea nui kia tirohia e koe tēnei rārangi tohutohu me ngā tinihanga kua kohia e mātou māu.
1. Kaua e tukua te whakataetae kia hinga i a koe
Ko tētahi o ngā hapa nui rawa atu ka taea e koe te mahi i te wā e whakaipoipo ana koe hei tangata whakamā, ko te whakarērea o ōu āhua katoa, ka huri i a koe hei tangata kē atu hei whakamanawareka i te marea. E kī ana a Juhi ki a tātou, "Tērā pea kāore e taea e te hunga whakamā te whakapuaki katoa i a rātou anō, ā, mā tēnei pea ka māmā ake te tango i tētahi huinga āhuatanga rerekē kia āhua hiahia ake ai rātou."
Ki te mea kei te pēnei koe, me kī atu, kei te hē tō huarahi ki te whakaipoipo. Ahakoa te whakamataku o te whakaatu i a koe anō, me pono koe, me kore e whakama ki te hiahia koe ki te kimi i tētahi. hoa ora tino pono. Ka kite wawe ia i tō 'aroha ki te whutupaoro' ina mōhio ia kāore koe e mōhio ko wai a Clay Matthews. Nō reira kaua e tukua te whakataetae kia huri i a koe hei tangata ehara i a koe. Kāore rawa tēnā i te whai take i konei.
2. Te whakaipoipo ipurangi mō te hunga whakama—he āe nui!
He uaua ki te kōrero ki te kaiwhiwhi manuhiri hou i tō rōpū tari, ki te whakatata atu rānei ki te hoa o tētahi whanaunga i tūtaki koe i te whakaaturanga ā-Motu. māharahara dating ka eke ki te taumata teitei rawa atu i roto i ēnei āhuatanga. Kei te haere mai ki te āwhina i a koe…ngā taupānga whakaipoipo ipurangi! Mā te huarahi ipurangi koe e māmā ai te kimi i tētahi hoa wahine, i tētahi hoa tāne rānei.
Āe, me i taea e au te kōrero atu ki a koe te ngāwari o te noho ko koe anō i muri i te mata waea. Ina koa, ki te mea kei te ngana tonu koe ki te mārama ki te āhua o te whenua, me te kimi i te momo tangata e tino pai ana koe, rukuhia tika atu ki te puna whakaipoipo ipurangi. Mena kei te whakaaro koe, "Me pēhea te kimi aroha a te hunga whakama?", kua hoha koe ki te mātakitaki i a koe e hinga ana, e mura ana i ia wā e ngana ana koe ki te kōrero ki te tangata e arohaina ana e koe, kua tae ki te wā ki te whakatuwhera i te toa taupānga i runga i tō waea ka tirotiro i aua taupānga whakaipoipo. I mōhio koe kei reira ētahi taupānga kua whiriwhiria? ngā pae whakaipoipo mō te hunga whakamaTirohia rātou!
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3. Kaua e mataku i te whakaaro ka taea e koe te whakaipoipo i tētahi tangata māhorahora
Āe, hei tīmatanga, me mahi noa mēnā kei te tino pai koe ki a rātou, ā, e whakaaro ana koe ka taea e koe te whakawhirinaki ki a rātou i ngā mea katoa. Ahakoa he makawe miro tōna, ā, he ātaahua tana kōrero ki te barista, ehara i te mea me whawhai kaha koe kia waiho ia hei aroha o tō ao. Ka taea e te hunga māhorahora te whakamataku i a koe. He kino rawa atu i ētahi wā. Engari ki te aro koe ki a rātou, ā, ki te ako koe ki te whakatau i te taurite, ka taea e rātou te noho hei whanaungatanga o te ao katoa.
E mea ana a Juhi, "He hunga māhorahora, he hunga pāpori, ā, he pai ake te hononga ki te tangata i ngā hunga māhorahora i roto i ngā whanaungatanga. Engari, ki te mārama rāua ki ngā āhuatanga o te tangata, ka kaha ake te whanaungatanga. Nō reira, kaua e māharahara." wehi ki te whakaipoipo he tangata whakawhanaunga, he tangata whakamā. Tērā pea ka ārahi tā rātou hoa, kua mārama rātou ki te momo āhua o te tangata kē, kia taea ai e rātou te whakapuaki katoa i ō rātou kare ā-roto.”
4. Ehara te kōrero iti i te tangata kino
He kino te ingoa o ngā kōrero iti, ahakoa i te nuinga o ngā rā, mai i te hunga e aro nui ana ki te kōrero i ngā mea katoa. Heoi, heoi anō, kua whakaakona tātou e te ao whānui me pātai atu koe ki tētahi tangata mō te āhua o tōna rā i mua i te tīmatanga o te hononga ki te kino mō ngā ngeru. E hiahia ana mātou kia māmā ake te ao, engari i mua i te tuku i tō tiaki, he mea nui kia kōrero iti, kia whakatūria he taumata whakamarie. Nō reira, ahakoa te hoha, ko te kōrero iti tō tīkiti ki tētahi mea nui ake. Koia te take me whakapakari i ēnei pūkenga. Whakaharatau i mua i te whakaata mēnā e tika ana. Whakaharatau ki te kōrero ki tō kurī. Whakaharatau anō, kōrero ki te rākau mēnā kei te tino āwangawanga koe.
5. Kia tino pātai koe i ngā pātai pai ina whakaipoipo ana koe hei tangata whakama
Ko tētahi o ngā upoko tino nui o ēnei tohutohu mō te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama, ko te pupuri i te tangata e pai ana ki a koe kia whakahihiri. Ki te mea he uaua ki a koe te kōrero nui mōu ake, me miharo noa tō hoa ki ō pūkenga whakarongo pai. Ki te mea ko koe tere tere mēnā kei te pāngia koe e tētahi tāne i tētahi wharekai, ka tino mataku pea te whakaaro me pēhea te whakahaere tonu i te kōrero. I ēnei wā, he mea āwhina te whai tonu i ētahi pātai noa kua whakatauhia i roto i tō mahunga, i runga rānei i tō taupānga Notes i tō waea (kāore mātou e kī atu) ka taea e koe te pātai atu ki tō hoa.
6. Me ako te hunga whakama i roto i ngā whanaungatanga me pēhea te whakapuaki i ō rātou kare ā-roto
Āe, e te tiēre, he mea tēnei māu. E ai ki tā mātou i kōrero ai i mua ake nei, me puta atu koe i tō rohe whakamarie mēnā kei te pirangi koe ki te pai ki te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakahihi. Inaianei, kāore koe e hiahia ki te kawe putiputi ki ō hoa katoa ina whakaipoipo koe hei tangata whakahihi. Engari mā te kihi pō reka ki te rae, mā te tuku karere whakaipoipo rānei ka tino pai ake tō pūkenga. He kōrero noa iho tēnei.
E mea ana a Juhi, "Mō te aroha, te ngākau aroha, me ngā kare ā-roto, kāore he rerekētanga o te tuakiri. Ko te rerekētanga anake te mea nui ko te whakapuakitanga." Ahakoa te ataahua me te rotarota o taua whakaaro, poroporoaki ki ō manukanuka, ā, me mahi i ia taahiraa hei whakaatu i te aroha mēnā kei te tino hiahia koe ki te whai i taua kotiro.
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7. Kia pono mō ō raruraru whakaipoipo ā-tangata
Whakapono mai, e aroha ana ngā tāne me ngā kōtiro ki tētahi tangata e taea te whakakatakata i a rātou anō. Nō reira, kaua e waiho tō āhua hei kaupapa huna me kati, engari me awhi, me awhi pai. Engari me whakaatu he āhua tāne rūpahu, me haere noa ki roto ka kī atu, "I hē ahau i te huarahi mai nā te mea i mataku ahau ki tō ataahua."
Titiro mai te maeneene o taua mea? Ko te pono mō tō tuakiri, ehara i te mea kāore e taea e koe te whakauru atu ki ētahi mea te takaro hauoraE whakanui ana a Juhi, "Mēnā ko taua tangata te mea tika māu, ka mārama rātou, ka whakaute hoki i te āhua o te tangata, ahakoa kāore pea ia e whakapuaki i ōna whakaaro i te tīmatanga. Ko te manawanui, te mārama, me te whakaute i ngā rerekētanga te mea nui." Nō reira, ahakoa i hē koe, ka kata tahi rātou me koe, ā, ka tino mārama!
8. Kia tūpato ki te āhua o tō kawe i a koe anō
Ko te whakaaro nui rawa tētahi o ngā āhuatanga matua o te hunga whakahihi, engari kaua e tukua kia taupokina tō wheako whakaipoipo mā te whakama i a koe anō. Ko tētahi o ngā tohutohu whakaipoipo nui rawa atu mō te hunga whakahihi ko te whakaweto ā-hinengaro i te porowhita whakaaro nui e waiho ana koe kia ruarua i ngā mea katoa. "Āe, kei te titiro ia ki tōku ringa. Kei te kino ia ki te momona o tōku ringa?" "Āe, kei te tata rawa ia ki ahau. Kei te pai taku kakara?"
Kaua e tukua ēnei āwangawanga kia hinga i a koe; kei a koe tēnei. Kia tūpato, kia whakaatu reo tinana pai, ā, whakaaturia ki te tangata kē atu kei te aro nui koe, kei te noho tonu hoki i te wā. Ki te kitea rawatia tō manukanuka, ka āwangawanga noa iho rātou, ā, kāore tetahi o kōrua e pai ake i tēnei rā. Nō reira, kati te muru i te werawera i tō rae, me te mirimiri i a koe anō mēnā me mahi, ā, ngana ki te pupuri i te āhua pai.
9. Kaua e noho noa i roto i te whakakorenga ina whakaipoipo ana koe hei tangata whakama
"Kāore pea ia e pai ki ahau nā te mea i ringihia e au taua inu ki te hāte o tana hoa i tana pāti i te kāinga", "E kino ana ia ki ahau nā te mea kāore au i te nui te kōrero." Ae, kua taunga rawa koe ki tēnei kōrero kino ki a koe anō, i ia wā ka heke te kōrero i te 'wāhanga tuku karere kuputuhi', i tētahi rānei i tino aroha koe ki ai, ka huna koe i muri i te rā tuarua.
Ka pono mātou ki a koe. Tērā pea he pono aua take. Engari koinei te mea – tērā pea he pono mō te katoa! E mōhio ana mātou, ina whakaipoipo koe hei tangata whakama, ka nui ake te uaua ki te whakarērea ēnei whakaaro kino. Kati te whakaaro ki ngā wheako kino katoa, me te whakahē i a koe anō mō taua mea. Ko ētahi mea ka pai, ko ētahi kāore. Ko te huarahi anake hei whakapai ake i tēnei mahi whakaipoipo ko te kore e whakaaro nui, e manukanuka ki ngā wheako kino, engari me ako mai i aua wheako.
10. Whakaritea ō rā me te whakaaro nui
He tino taumaha, he tino ngenge hoki te whakaipoipo mō te hunga whakama. Ki te kore koe e pai te āhua o tō hinengaro, e kore koe e pai ki te wheako, ahakoa te pai, te whakamere rānei o te tangata. Ko tētahi tohutohu nui mō te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama ko te karo i te whakararuraru me te aro ki ō kare ā-tinana me ō kare ā-roto.
Mena kua ngenge kē koe i muri i te mahi i tētahi rā katoa, i tētahi huihuinga nui rānei, ehara tēnā i te wā tika mō te haere ki tētahi rā tuatahi. Kāore koe e tino pai ana, ā, kāore e tika tēnā ki a koe, ki te tangata rānei. Hoatu he wā ki a koe anō kia manawa i mua atu, i muri mai hoki i tētahi rā, ā, whiriwhiria ngā wā e mōhio ana koe ka okioki koe. Ina whakarite koe i tētahi mahere, kia noho mārire. He rā kawhe, he hikoi, he toro atu rānei ki tētahi toa pukapuka e pai ana ki a koe. Ka puta ake koe me te noho marino me te marino. Ā, ina rite koe ki a koe anō, ka nui ake te pono o te hononga.
11. Akohia me pēhea te puta atu me te ataahua
He maha ngā wā ka noho pūmau te hunga whakama ki roto i ngā āhuatanga roa rawa nā te mea kāore rātou e hiahia ki te whanoke. Engari ka arahi pea tēnā ki te ngenge me te pouri. Kātahi anō ka kore koe e hono atu ki te tangata e noho tahi ana koe. Kua kore koe e aro ki tētahi atu. Kei te mura te hononga. Kātahi anō ka mau koe i tētahi atu rā kino, ā, ka whakaaro koe, "Me pēhea te kimi aroha a te hunga whakama?"
Ko te mea ngaro ki te wawahi i tēnei huringa ko te mōhio ki te wā me mutu, me pēhea hoki te mahi i tēnei me te ātaahua. Kia rite mai tētahi kupu whakamutu mārire: "He tino pai taku wā, engari kua roa rawa ahau i muri i tētahi rā roa. Me tīmata anō tāua i tēnei i tētahi atu wā?" Whakatakotoria he rohe wā i mua mena e mōhio ana koe ka tere te ngenge, ā, tukua koe kia whakarite i tō kaha ki te kaupapa matua. Kāore ngā rohe i te makariri. He whakaute ki a koe me tō hoa. Ā, ina mōhio koe ki te toi o te wehe atu me te atawhai, ka iti ake te ngenge o te whakaipoipo.
Tohutohu Matua
- He rerekē ngā wero whakaipoipo a te hunga whakama, pērā i te ngenge pāpori, te whakaroa ki te tīmata, me te uaua ki te whakatuwhera i ō rātou whakaaro, engari ko tō rātou hōhonutanga me tō rātou aroha he kaha i roto i ngā whanaungatanga.
- Kia pono ki a koe anō, kaua e whai i ngā āhuatanga o waho. Ko te pono, ehara i te mahi, ka hanga hononga tūturu.
- Whakamahia te whakaipoipo ipurangi me te pātai i ngā pātai whai whakaaro hei whakangāwari i te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero me te hanga hononga pai.
- Whakaharatauhia te whakapuaki i ngā kare ā-roto me te mōhio ki a koe anō. Whakatuwheratia mārire, kōrero pono, kaua hoki e whakaaro nui ki ngā whakakorenga, ki ngā wā whakamā rānei.
- Whakatakotoria he rohe, ā, whakaritea he kaupapa matua mō tō kaha mā te whakarite i ngā rā atamai, mārie, me te ako me pēhea te puta atu me te ātaahua ina hiahiatia.
Thoughts Final
Titiro? Kāore e tika kia tino uaua te whakaipoipo hei tangata whakama. Tērā pea he uaua i te tīmatanga, engari ka nui ake tō ako ki te whakatuwhera i ō whakaaro, ka nui ake tō... patai nga patai tika, ā, ka nui ake tō whakaaro kua whakamanahia koe, ka mutu te manukanuka o te tukanga katoa. Ahakoa koia rā, ka hē anō hoki koe. Ahakoa ka tīmata koe ki te waru i a koe anō me te mataku, ka taka rānei tō pēke ki te papa, he mea maori noa iho te hē o aua hapa. Kaua e tukua kia tautuhia koe e ia, ngana anō!
Kāore tō koha e kiia he kaupapa aroha takohaMā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata katoa o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.
