I-9 yokunqongophala kweempawu zovelwano kubudlelwane kunye neendlela ezili-11 zokuhlangabezana nazo

Ukuba nolwalamano nomntu ozingcayo, ongazikhathaleliyo iimfuno zakho ezingokweemvakalelo, ozenza zingasebenzi iimvakalelo zakho, ongaze azamkele iimpazamo zakhe, nokukhangela iindlela zokubeka ityala kunokudinwa kwaye kuthene amandla. Yiloo nto eyenzekayo xa ujongene nokungabi novelwano kwiqabane. Usenokuzifumana uzama ukusindisa ubudlelwane bakho ngaphandle kokulalanisa kwiimfuno zakho. Kodwa ngaphandle kokuba iqabane lakho lilungele ukudibana nawe kwisiqingatha (njengoko kuqhelekileyo abantu abangenalo uvelwano), ingaba yindlela enzima yokuhamba, akunjalo? Oko kwathiwa, ukujamelana nokungabi novelwano ngokupheleleyo kubudlelwane kunokwenzeka. Ufuna nje amaqhinga afanelekileyo kunye nendlela.

Kweli nqaku, sikhanyisa ukuba zeziphi ezo zicwangciso, ngokubonisana ne-psychotherapist UGqr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), ojongene nokucebisa ngobudlelwane kunye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Kweli phulo, siya kukunceda ukuba uwuqonde ngcono lo mbandela ngokuphendula imibuzo enzima—Yintoni ukunqongophala kovelwano intsingiselo? Wazi njani ukuba iqabane lakho alinaluvelwano? Kutheni abanye abantu bengenaluvelwano ngabantu babo ababathandayo? 

Yintoni uvelwano kubudlelwane?

Yintoni uvelwano, ngokwenene? Ngamafutshane, kukukwazi ukuqonda nokuxabisa imbono yomnye umntu, amava neemvakalelo zakhe ngokuzibeka ezihlangwini zakhe. Uvelwano lolona phawu lubalulekileyo omele ulujonge kwiqabane kuba luhamba indlela ende ekumiseleni umgangatho wobudlelwane benu. Inyaniso, izifundo baye bangqina ukuba uvelwano, ngokubanzi, "... lunokukhuthaza ubudlelwane obungcono nabantu ongabaziyo" kwaye ludlale indima ebalulekileyo "ekunciphiseni umkhethe kunye nobuhlanga obucwangcisiweyo." 

Ukuba uvelwano lunokunceda abantu ongabaziyo ukuba bahlangane, unokucinga ukuba ingaba nefuthe kangakanani na phakathi kwamaqabane. UGqr. Bhonsle Ucacisa athi: “Kulwalamano, abantu ababini abaneemvelaphi ezahlukahlukeneyo baye bahlanganisane ukuze bafikelele usukelo olufanayo.” Baphuma kwiinkcubeko ezahlukahlukeneyo nendlela abakhuliswe ngayo, banembono nemilinganiselo eyahluke ngokupheleleyo, yaye banendlela eyahlukileyo yokuphila. 

Ngokwendalo, ababoni ngasonye ngalo lonke ixesha, kodwa kufuneka basebenze kunye becinga ngezinto eziphambili ezifanayo. iinjongo zobudlelwane. Kukwazi oko kubalulekile kwiqabane lakho.” Makhe sithathe uncedo lomzekelo ukuqonda ngcono oku uJason noNatasha bathandana iminyaka emithathu. 

UNatasha unokholo ngokwenene, kanti uJason akakholelwa kubukho bukaThixo. Xa uyise kaNatasha wayelaliswe esibhedlele, wayedandathekile yaye exhalabile. Nangona uJason engelokholwa, wamkhuthaza ukuba athandaze kuba unqulo luyinxalenye ebalulekileyo yobomi bukaNatasha yaye lunamandla okumthuthuzela. Kubonisa ukuba wayeqonda ukuba inkqubo yakhe yokukholelwa yayifuna ukuthatha i-backseat kwintlalontle kaNatasha-nokuba kwakuthetha ukuxhasa into angayibhalisiyo. 

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Lubaluleke kangakanani uvelwano kulwalamano?

Ekubeni ngoku sisazi ukuba yintoni imfesane, makhe sibone ukuba kutheni ibalulekile kulwalamano. Uvelwano lubachaphazela njani abantu abatshatileyo yaye ngaba oko kubalulekile? Impendulo ilele kwindlela uvelwano olunceda ngayo izibini ukuba zisombulule imiba kwaye zikhuthaze ukuqondana okungcono: 

• Uvelwano lunceda amaqabane ukuba abe nobubele omnye komnye: Ngovelwano, nifanele niluhlonele ngakumbi ukhetho lomnye nize nibonise ububele omnye komnye
• Ikhuthaza unxibelelwano olungcono: Uvelwano lukunceda uliqonde ngcono iqabane lakho kwaye akushiyi indawo yokunganxibelelani kakuhle
• Iyenza ngqu zulwano Elula: Ngovelwano, uya kufunda ukuqonda isizathu sokuba ubani enze impazamo uze umxolele ngokulula
• Inciphisa isigwebo kunye nobundlongondlongo: Uya kuguqukela ekubeni ngumntu ongagwebiyo, njengoko uya kusazi isizathu sokuba abantu babe ngale ndlela bayiyo

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Iintlobo zovelwano kubudlelwane

Ukuqonda indima yovelwano kubudlelwane, kubalulekile ukwazi ukuba ibonakaliswa njani. “Ukuzibeka ezihlangwini zomnye umntu ukuze uqonde iimvakalelo zabo, iingcinga, kunye neembono zakhe” kunokuvakala ngathi kuqhelekile kwaye kungabonakali. Ukunceda ukubeka le nkalo ibalulekileyo yengqondo yomntu kunye nempembelelo yayo kubudlelwane babantu ngokwembono, makhe sijonge ngakumbi kwiintlobo ezintathu zovelwano kunye nendlela nganye echaphazela ngayo inkqubela phambili yobudlelwane:

• Uvelwano olusebenzayo: Oku kuxa umntu ekwazi ukubamba iimvakalelo zeqabane lakhe kwaye aphendule ngokufanelekileyo. Lukwabizwa ngokuba luvelwano lweemvakalelo. Ngokomzekelo, ibhinqa libona unxunguphalo lwendoda yalo, liziva lixhalabile yaye lixhalabile, limphathela ikomityi yeti ukuze limthuthuzele, lize limenze achaze indlela avakalelwa ngayo. Uvelwano olufanelekileyo ludlala indima ephambili ekubolekeni inkxaso ngokweemvakalelo kumntu omthandayo
• Uvelwano lwengqondo: Uvelwano lwengqondo lubhekiselele kumsebenzi wokuqonda kwengqondo. Kukukwazi ukubona izinto ngokwembono yeqabane lakho kodwa ngendlela enengqiqo ngakumbi kuneemvakalelo. Ngokomzekelo, kuxa uyiqonda imeko yabo yengqondo naxa bengaboni ngasonye. Uvelwano lwengqondo lubalulekile kwindlela enengqiqo kodwa enobubele kwiingxabano kunye amabala arhabaxa kubudlelwane
• Uvelwano lweSomatic: Oku kusabela ngokwasemzimbeni kumava eqabane lakho. Umzekelo, kuxa ufumana intloko ebuhlungu ngenxa yempilo enkenenkene yesithandwa sakho. Uvelwano lweSomatic luyimbonakaliso yotyalo-mali lomntu kwibhondi kunye nentlalontle yeqabane

Kuba uvelwano kunye novelwano lwe-somatic zombini ziqhutywa ziimvakalelo kunye neemvakalelo, kukho ithuba lokuba umntu abe novelwano olukhulu. Ngaba wakha wambona umntu omthandayo elila, yaye xa umthuthuzela, weva amehlo akho entywizisa? Le mvakalelo iphakamileyo yovelwano inokukukhokelela ekubeni ube liqabane elichukumisekileyo kubudlelwane.   

Kwelinye icala, ekubeni uvelwano lwengqondo luqhutywa ngokwengqondo, luxabiseke kakhulu, masithi, kwimeko yesigulana-kagqirha. Nangona kunjalo, emtshatweni okanye kubudlelwane, umntu onovelwano ngokwengqondo unokungabi naluvelwano ngandlel’ ithile. Xa iqabane lakho lifuna ukuba umamele kwaye ube lusizi kunye nalo, ukunika izisombululo ezisebenzayo kusenokungabi yeyona mpendulo inovakalelo. Indlela elungileyo yokukhuthaza uvelwano kubudlelwane kukubetha ulungelelwaniso phakathi kweentlobo zayo ezahlukeneyo kunye nokubonakaliswa. 

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Yintoni Ebangela Ukungabi Naluvelwano

Ngoku ekubeni siyichukumisile intsingiselo, ukubaluleka, kunye neentlobo zovelwano, akukho sithuba sokuxabana ukuba yinto ebalulekileyo yokwakha ubudlelwane obunempilo. Kodwa kutheni abantu bengenaluvelwano ngamaqabane abo? Yaye yintoni ebonisa ukungabi naluvelwano? Ngaphambi kokuba sigwebe umntu ngenxa yokungabi novelwano olwaneleyo kwiqabane lakhe / iqabane, kufuneka sijonge ukuba yintoni ebangela ukungabi naluvelwano. Ezininzi izifundo ziye zangqina ukuba kukho unxibelelwano oluthe ngqo phakathi kwe-narcissism kunye nokungabi novelwano. Apha ngezantsi kukho ezinye izizathu zokuba kutheni umntu engabonakalisi uvelwano:

• Ukwenzakala kobudlelwane obudlulileyo: Xa umntu eye wafumana ukunqongophala uvelwano kwixesha elidlulileyo, banokungena kwimo yokusinda kubudlelwane bexesha elizayo kwaye bakhe udonga oluzingqongileyo olubathintela ekudibaniseni ngokwenene kunye neqabane labo kunye nokuhambelana neemvakalelo kunye neemvakalelo zabo. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, kunokuba nzima ukuba umntu abe novelwano neqabane lakhe
• Ukunqongophala kothando ebuntwaneni: Kutheni abantu bengenaluvelwano? Kuba abazange bafunde ukuba yintoni na. Ukuba umntu akazange abonakalise uthando kwasebuntwaneni okanye akazange abe nomzekelo afanele awuxelise onovelwano, kusenokwenzeka ukuba akazange akufunde oko kuthethwa kukuva iimvakalelo zomnye umntu okanye ukuba novelwano kwiimfuno zabanye.
• Imicimbi yezempilo yengqondo: Imiba emininzi yempilo yengqondo enje nge-narcissistic personality disorder kunye ne-autism spectrum disorder ibangela ukuba abantu bangabi navelwano.
• Ukuzicingela: Abantu abacingela iziqu zabo ngokugqithisileyo ababeki mntu phambi kwabo kwaye badla ngokungabi naluvelwano
• Isimo sengqondo sokugweba: Abanye abantu bayagweba kwaye abakwazi ukubona izinto ngokwembono yabanye, nto leyo enokubenza bangabi naluvelwano.
• Ukwenzakala kwengqondo: Studies bonisa ukuba izilonda zengqondo kunye nokulimala kunokukhokelela ekulahlekelweni kokukwazi ukuvelana
• Uxinzelelo kunye noxinzelelo: enye isifundo ibonisa ukuba uxinezeleko olugqithiseleyo lukhokelela ekubeni ube nexhala, nto leyo ebangela ukungabi naluvelwano ebantwini

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Yintoni Ukunqongophala Uvelwano Yenzani A Ubudlelwane

Yintoni ukungabi naluvelwano kubudlelwane kwaye ichaphazela njani izibini? UGqr. Bhonsle ucacisa esithi: “Ukuze ulwalamano lusebenze, omabini amaqabane afanele avisisane nelinye.” Oku kwenzeka kuphela ngenxa yokuba enxibelelene yaye eqondana kakuhle kangangokuba elinye iqabane liyakwazi ukufunda elinye njengomva wesandla salo. Umntu ongenaluvelwano akaze enze umgudu wokuqonda nokufunda iqabane lakhe. Elinye iqabane ekugqibeleni liyayeka ukunxibelelana. Kule meko, ukungabi naluvelwano kwenza ntoni kulwalamano? Nazi ezinye iziphumo zokungabi naluvelwano:

• Kwenza elinye iqabane lingahlonitshwa kwaye lingaxatyiswa. Akukho luxabiso ngabo, kwaye yonke into ngabo ithathwa njengesiqhelo
• Iqabane elingenakuvelana aliyi kukwazi ukuqaphela imizamo eyenziwa liqabane labo kubudlelwane
• Ukungabi novelwano kubangela ukukhungatheka kunye noxinzelelo kwiqabane ekupheleni kokufumana
• Ukunqongophala kovelwano kwakhona kubeka ubudlelwane up ukusilela ngokuqinisekileyo-shot. Ulindele ukuba ulwalamano lusebenze njani ukuba akukho mbeko, akukho luxabiso, yaye akukho lunxibelelwano olungenantsingiselo—zonke ezi zinto zibangelwa luvelwano?

9 Ukunqongophala kweempawu zovelwano kubudlelwane bakho

Ngaba wakha wazibuza ukuba unokuxelela njani ukuba iqabane lakho alinaluvelwano? Thatha umzuzwana ucinge ngobudlelwane bakho obuguqukayo. Ngaba uziva uzinikele kakhulu kubudlelwane ngaphandle kokufumana imbuyekezo eninzi? Ngaba uziva ugwetyiwe kwaye ungaqondwa kakuhle liqabane lakho? Ngaba iqabane lakho liyasilela ukukuthuthuzela xa uwufuna kakhulu? Ukuba kunjalo, ujongene neempawu ezicacileyo zokungabi naluvelwano kubudlelwane. Makhe sijonge nzulu le miqondiso yokubalisa:  

1. Iimvakalelo zakho zihlala zingasebenzi 

UGqr. Bhonsle uyachaza: “Olu lolona phawu lucacileyo lokungabi naluvelwano kulwalamano.” Umntu ongenaluvelwano uya kuzigatya iimvakalelo zeqabane lakhe aze alenze libe yinyaniso. uzive ungahoywanga kubudlelwane.” Ukuba iqabane lakho alinaluvelwano, banokuphela besithi:

• “Unovelwano kakhulu.” 
• “Musa ukusabela ngokugqithisileyo, akukho nto le.” 
• “Awuyazi indlela yokuhlekisa.”

UGqr. Bhonsle wongezelela ngelithi, “Ndivumeleni ndithethe ngolu hlobo—ukuba umntu ukhalaza ngokuqaqanjelwa sisifuba, impendulo yokuqala kukumsa esibhedlele.” Kungxamisekile ukuphanda unobangela wentlungu esemzimbeni.” Le mpendulo ifanele ibe yinto eqhelekileyo xa kukho intlungu engokweemvakalelo okanye isiphithiphithi. Abo bangenaluvelwano abakakulungeli ukujonga iimvakalelo zabanye.

Ngexesha elizayo xa uvakalisa inkxalabo yakho malunga nokungaqondi, jonga indlela iqabane lakho eliphendula ngayo. Ngaba bayabandakanyeka kwaye banomdla wokufumanisa isizathu sokuba uvakalelwe ngale ndlela? Okanye ngaba bayashwaqa baze bacinge ukuba incoko ayibalulekanga? Uya kuba nempendulo yakho kwindlela yokuxelela ukuba iqabane lakho alinaluvelwano.

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2. Usoloko ugxekwa 

Nazi ezinye iibhombu zenyaniso malunga nabo bangenaluvelwano:

• Banobunzima bokuqonda imbono yabanye
• Bayakhawuleza ukugweba nokugxeka rhabaxa
• Abanakunyamezela kwaye uxolelo kubudlelwane hayi amandla abo
• Isimo sabo sengqondo siyabatyhafisa abo babangqongileyo

UCathy, oneminyaka engama-40 ubudala wasebhankini waseWashington obesokola kubudlelwane bakhe uyazibuza ukuba kungenxa yokuba iqabane lakhe lingenalo uvelwano novelwano. Wasibhalela wathi: “Ngenye imini ndabuyela ekhaya emva kosuku olude emsebenzini ndaza ndazenzela ikomityi yekofu, ndidiniwe, ndahlala esofeni ndaza ndachitha ikofu ngempazamo ngoxa ndandisenza loo msebenzi. Ukugxekwa ngokungenalusini ngolo hlobo yenye yezona mpawu zibalaseleyo zokungabi naluvelwano.

3. Iqabane lakho alinangqondo iphangaleleyo

Umntu ongenaluvelwano usenokwenzeka ukuba abe nengqondo esondeleyo kwaye abe lukhuni ngeengcamango zakhe. Nantsi into omawuyilumkele:

• Kukho ukusetwa okungagqibekanga entlokweni yabo ebenza bacinge ukuba balungile ngalo lonke ixesha 
• Bakholelwa ngokunyanisekileyo ekunyanisekeni kwezimvo nezigqibo zabo
• Basenokungaguquguquki kwiindlela zabo. Imbono yakho inokuqatshelwa, kodwa eyabo iya kuqala
• Banelungelo kwaye baqhele ukwenza izinto ngendlela yabo
• Babonisa ukungafuni Ukulalanisa emtshatweni okanye ubudlelwane

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Xa abantu bengaziphangalalanga, kusenokubakho izizathu ezibini: indlela owakhulela kuyo ngaphandle kovelwano, okanye wakhuliswa apho ukhuselwe ngokugqithiseleyo.” Nabuphi na ubuntwana obukwenye yezi meko zimbini buyingozi bunokwenza abantu bangabi naluvelwano. Abantwana ngoku bangabantu abadala abangasebenziyo nabasokolayo kubudlelwane.”

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4. Bakujongela phantsi ngabom

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Ukwenza ukhetho ngabom oluye lwenzakalisa iqabane labo okanye olwahluke ngokupheleleyo kwimilinganiselo neenkolelo zalo kuluphawu lomntu ongenaluvelwano.” Kukwenziwa ngabom ngokwenene yaye injongo kukumcaphukisa omnye umntu.

Oku kunqongophala kovelwano intsingiselo KUFUNEKA uyazi. Iqabane lakho liya kukuwela lisazi ngezinto ezingenamsebenzi. Umzekelo, ukuba ungumntu onembeko okholelwa ekubuleleni abantu ngomsebenzi abawenzayo, uya kufumana iqabane lakho lenza okwahlukileyo. Khawube nomfanekiso-ngqondweni wakho ukwivenkile yokutyela, apho iqabane lakho lithuka ngabom iweyitara okanye limnqumle iminwe. Le ndlela yokuziphatha isithuko kumaxabiso akho kunye nezinto ozikhethayo. Iimeko ezinjalo zibonisa ukunqongophala kovelwano kubudlelwane kwaye zibonisa ubutshaba kwiqabane lakho. Nikelani ingqalelo kwezi iimpawu ezilumkisayo zetyhefu.

5. Iqabane lakho lithanda ukuvuthela izinto ngaphandle komlinganiselo

Abantu abangenalo uvelwano badla ngokuba neentshukumo zokuguqa ngamadolo kwiimeko "bangaphezulu kakhulu". Xa kukho ukungabikho kovelwano kubudlelwane, impendulo ayihambelani nesiganeko esenzekayo. Olu phawu lihlumelo lokugxeka nokungabi nantlonipho. Phakathi kwabo, ukuxhaphaza kunye nobudlelwane obungenampilo nokungabi naluvelwano.

Abantu abanetyhefu basabela ngokugqithisileyo xa bejamelene nokuphazamiseka, kodwa bazijongele phantsi iingxaki zeqabane labo. Cinga ngomlo wokugqibela owawunawo. Uyakhumbula uxelela iqabane lakho ukuba lihlise umoya? Ngaba uvakalelwa kukuba basabela ngokugqithisileyo ngelixa uzama ukubona imbono yabo? Ukuba kunjalo, kuyacaca ukuba uzama ukugcina ubudlelwane xa iqabane lakho lingenalo uvelwano, kwaye gosh, kufuneka udinwe.

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6. Kukho ukunqongophala koxabiso

Awukwazi nje ukwakha a ubudlelwane obuphilileyo ngaphandle kombulelo ngento iqabane lakho elizisa etafileni. Ukungabikho koxabiso kuya kukhokelela kwiingxabano eziqhubekayo kunye nokulwa. Xa kukho ukunqongophala kovelwano kubudlelwane, abantu abaqapheli imizamo yomnye kunye namadini. 

Konke kubilisa kwilungelo leqabane elingenaluvelwano. Umfundi waseTexas, uAlice oneminyaka engama-32 ubudala, owayengumphathi-mali, wasibhalela wathi ngeqabane lakhe elalingenaluvelwano: “Ndandibona ukuba kukho into engahambi kakuhle kangangexesha elithile kodwa ndandingazi ukuba mandiyibeke njani loo nto. Iincoko ezininzi, siwoyisile umcimbi kwaye ngoku sineminyaka esi-7 kubudlelwane bethu. "

7. Utyholwa ngeengxaki zakho

Amadoda okanye amabhinqa angenaluvelwano atyekele ekucingeni ukuba iingxaki zibakho ngenxa yokuba abantu 'bezifanelekele.' Umzala wam, uRyan, ukholelwa ngokupheleleyo ukuba abantu bazibizela iingxaki. Yaye kwakhona ucinga ukuba ngewayezisingatha kakuhle ezo ngxaki. Ukukholelwa kwisakhono somntu kukhulu, kodwa oku kukwelula ngokuqinisekileyo. Xa umntu esebenza ngokwalo mbono, uphela sele engqwabalala kwaye egxeka abanye ngamaxesha okubandezeleka kwabo. Nantsi indlela esi simo sengqondo siguqulela ngayo ukunqongophala kweempawu zovelwano kubudlelwane:

• Ukuba ukhe uye kwiqabane lakho ngengxaki, umbuzo wabo wokuqala mhlawumbi uqala ngokuthi, “Kutheni na-?” Oku kungenxa yokuba baye bacingela ngokuzenzekelayo ukuba impazamo yeyakho
• Ifowuni yakho iyawohloka, kwaye bayakubuza, "Kutheni ungaphuculanga kwimodeli yamva nje xa bendikucela?" 
• Umntu osebenza naye uyakucaphukisa kwaye bathi, "Kutheni umvumele ukuba angene ngaphakathi kwentloko yakho?" 
• Kukho ithoni ephantsi ethi "Ndikuxelele njalo" kwimpendulo nganye

8. Kukho ukunqongophala kokuphendula 

Ukuphendula kufuneka kusonjululwe ingxabano kwaye usempilweni kwaye unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo kubudlelwane. Akunakwenzeka ukuba uphile ubomi obonwabisayo xa iqabane lakho lihlala likhanyela ngeempazamo zabo. Abaneli nje ukwala ukucela uxolo, kodwa baphinda baphuhlise isiseko sesikhalazo sakho. Imotto yabo ithi: lento uyivayo ayinanto yakwenza nam.

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi, “Akukho mda wokusebenzela kulwalamano ngaphandle kokuba umntu ngamnye athwale imbopheleleko ngezenzo zakhe.Bamele baqonde ukuba izigqibo zabo zichaphazela abanye abantu abakuloo mmandla.Kukho ulwalamano oluqhubekayo nonobangela nomphumo. Ngaphandle koku kuqonda, baya kuqhubeka besenza ukhetho lobuqu.” 

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9. Iqabane lakho alifumaneki ngokweemvakalelo

Khumbula ingcamango yovelwano oluchaphazelekayo. Bubuchule bomntu bokufunda iimvakalelo zabanye aze aphendule ngokufanelekileyo. Abo bangenaluvelwano abangontsika balungileyo beemvakalelo inkxaso kubudlelwane. Nasi isizathu:

• Abayiqondi indlela umntu aziva elungile okanye embi ngayo. Basenokwenza impazamo yokuba nomsindo
• Iimpendulo zabo azifanelekanga ncam. Ngokomzekelo, abo bangenaluvelwano bayaqhula ngexesha elingafanelekanga
• Ngamaxesha anzima ebomini bakho, basenokungakwazi ukukuthuthuzela okanye bakuthuthuzele

Iindlela ezili-11 zokuhlangabezana neqabane elingenaluvelwano

Ngoku ekubeni uyazi konke malunga nokunqongophala kweempawu zovelwano, makhe sifumane indlela yokuhlangabezana nayo. Olu luvavanyo lokwenene lomonde kuba akukho sisombululo sikhawulezileyo kulo mba. Ukuba ufuna ukugcina ubudlelwane xa iqabane lingenalo uvelwano, kufuneka ulungele ukubeka umsebenzi. 

UGqr. Bhonsle ucacisa athi: “Kufuna umsebenzi onzima ukuze ulondoloze ulwalamano olungenaluvelwano. Kodwa ngomgudu ongaguquguqukiyo, unokumfundisa ukuba novelwano kumntu ngamnye. Uqheliselo olukumgangatho ongaphezulu zezi: ukuphulaphula bhetele, ukucinga ngaphambi kokuba uphendule, ukuba nomonde ngakumbi kwiingcamango neendlela ezintsha, njl.njl. Kwinqanaba elinzulu, yaye kuthabatha ixesha elincinane, ingqondo yomntu ngamnye isetyenzwa ngokucombulula imiba yexesha elidluleyo.” Nazi iindlela ezili-11 zokumelana nokungabikho kovelwano kubudlelwane.

1. Nxibelelana neqabane lakho

Rhoqo, abantu bayayeka ukuzama ukulungisa izinto neqabane elingenaluvelwano. Basuka banikezele kwindlela izinto eziyiyo kwaye bazifumane bevaleleke kwimitshato engasebenziyo okanye kubudlelwane iminyaka, neqabane elinye libeka esichengeni iimfuno kunye neminqweno yabo endaweni yokudlulisela iimvakalelo zabo ngokuqiqayo nangokuqiniseka. Ukuqhawula le pateni, kufuneka ufunde indlela yokunxibelelana ngokufanelekileyo neqabane lakho.

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi, “Kuya kufuneka unxibelelane ngezozakuzo. Ukuba ukwenza oku ngendlela eqhutywa yimvakalelo, iqabane lakho liya kukugxotha kwakhona. Musa ukuba nochuku kwindlela othetha ngayo. Ukuba awukwazi ukubenza babone impembelelo yokungabi naluvelwano, bethelela kubo imiphumo yezenzo zabo. Iqabane lakho lisenokungasiboni isizathu sokuba ukungabi naluvelwano kuyingxaki yokuphela kolwalamano lwalo kodwa lisenokukhokelela ekubeni liyiqonde eyona ngxaki yalo.”

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2. Musa ukuzigxeka

Kulula ukuqalisa ukufumana iimpazamo kuwe nakwizenzo zakho xa iqabane lakho likugxeka kwaye likugxeka. Nangona kunjalo, kufuneka wenze umgudu wokwenene wokuwela kulo mgibe. Yintoni ebonisa ukungabi naluvelwano malunga neqabane lakho kunye nobudlelwane bakho? Yiqonde. Kuya kukunceda ukuba ubambe umhlaba kwaye ungajiki ngokuchasene nawe. Iqabane okanye iqabane umthwalo weemvakalelo asiyonto ekufuneka ubekek’ ityala ngayo.

Ukugcina ukulingana ngokweemvakalelo kubaluleke kakhulu kwimeko enjalo. Ukuba uyasilela ukugcina impilo yakho yeemvakalelo/yengqondo, iimeko ziya kuqalisa ukuthomalalisa ukuzithemba kwakho. Ukuba nobudlelwane neqabane elingenavelwano akukho lula. Ukuthathelwa ingqalelo, ukunikezela rhoqo, ukuhlala kunye nemigudu yakho engaqatshelwanga kwaye ingaxatyiswa-ulwalamano olungenalo uvelwano olusisiseko lunokukukhathaza ngonaphakade. Zinike uzuko endaweni yokugxeka izenzo zakho.

3. Ukulwa nokungabikho kovelwano kubudlelwane novelwano

Ugqirha wotyando lwentliziyo waseTurkey-waseMelika, wezobupolitika, nomsasazi kamabonwakude uMehmet Oz wakha wathi, “Into eyahlukileyo nomsindo asikokuzola, luvelwano.” Ngezihlandlo zomsindo, zama ukuqonda ukuba iqabane lakho liyimveliso yamava abo. Indlela yabo yokungabi naluvelwano ingumphumo ongqalileyo woko baye bajamelana nako ebomini. Nangona oku kungabaniki imvume yokuziphatha kakubi okanye yokungacingeli, kusebenza njengengcaciso ngokuziphatha kwabo. Nje ukuba uqonde oko kubangela ukungabi naluvelwano, uya kukulungela ngakumbi ukuxhasa imizamo yabo njengoko befunda.

4. Ungaze uzithathele ngokwakho izinto

Inyathelo lokuqala lokuzijonga ayililo ukuthatha nantoni na ngokwakhe okanye kakubi xa ufumanisa iimpawu iqabane lakho liswele uvelwano. Izenzo zabo okanye intetho yabo ayibonisi ukungakwazi kwakho. Cacisa kakhulu apha ngaphambili: umzuzu uqala ukuvumela amagama abo angalunganga achaphazele ubomi bakho, uya kukhwela i-roller coaster. Uya kuqala ukukholelwa ukuba kufuneka uzilungise. Akukho mntu ufanele aguqule iinkalo ezisisiseko zobuntu bakhe ngenxa yokungabi naluvelwano kubudlelwane.

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5. Funa uncedo lwengcali ukuze ugcine ubudlelwane xa iqabane lakho lingenalo uvelwano

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi, “Ukucebisa ngolwalamano kunceda izibini zisebenze ekusweleni uvelwano kulwalamano lwazo.” Unokuphendula imibuzo emininzi apho, enjengale: Kutheni abantu bengenaluvelwano? Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukulondoloza ulwalamano xa iqabane lingenalo uvelwano? Kubonisa ntoni ukungabi naluvelwano? Ngaba abo bangenaluvelwano baphila kwimeko yobukrakra? Ngaba bakhuliswe kwindawo abazalelwe kuyo benemfesane kakhulu, bakhuphisana ngesilivere? ukusa kwinqanaba lokonakala unxibelelwano phakathi kwamaqabane lunokuhamba kakuhle xa kukho ingcali yezempilo yengqondo.”

Ukuba usokola kubudlelwane obungenavelwano, ukufuna uncedo lobuchwephesha kunokukunceda womelele. Ukwazi ngakumbi, qhagamshelana no abacebisi abanelayisensi kunye neesayikholojisti kwiphaneli yeBonobology.

6. Ukunyanzelisa imida

Xa uthandana nomntu ongenaluvelwano, zilungiselele ukuzibeka kwindawo yokuqala. Oku kuyasebenza kwiimeko apho ubone ukunqongophala okubonakalayo kweempawu zovelwano kwaye uphathwa kakubi ngokwasemoyeni, ngokwasemzimbeni, okanye ngokwasengqondweni. Zoba kwaye unyanzelise imida yobudlelwane ngokukhawuleza ukukhusela impilo-ntle yakho. Ukuba ucinga ukuba ukungabikho kovelwano kweqabane lakho kubangela ingozi ngqo kukhuseleko lwakho, cinga ukuhamba kude nobudlelwane. Khumbula, bobabini abantu kufuneka bakulungele ukugcina ubudlelwane xa iqabane lingenalo uvelwano.

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7. Ziqhelise ukumamela ngokukhawuleza

Ukungabi naluvelwano kunokubangelwa yizizathu ezahlukahlukeneyo. Ukuqinisekisa ukuba yintoni kanye kanye eyibangelayo, kufuneka uziqhelanise nokumamela kakuhle. Nantsi indlela yokwenza ngayo:

• Phulaphula ukuze wazi izizathu zokungabi naluvelwano kwabo
• Nika ingqalelo kwiimpawu ezingathethwayo. Unokuyiqonda indlela abantu abavakalelwa ngayo ngawe ngendlela abathetha ngayo nangendlela abaziphethe ngayo

8. Yiba sesichengeni

Ukuphucula i-quotient enovelwano kubudlelwane bakho, kufuneka uvule ngakumbi kwiimvakalelo. Musa ukoyika ukuba sesichengeni kunye neqabane lakho. Vumela ukugada kwakho (ewe, kunokuba nzima ukuba iqabane lakho lisetyenziselwa ukuphazamisa iimvakalelo zakho, kodwa zama), kwaye ubenze babone icala lakho elikrwada. 

Unokusebenzisa i-quotient yakho yeemvakalelo ukuqondisa ubudlelwane bakho kwicala elifanelekileyo. Ngokomzekelo, uDebbie, umfundisi-ntsapho oneminyaka engama-35 ubudala waseTexas, wasibhalela wathi: “Kwiveki ephelileyo, ndiye ndaxambulisana neqabane lam emva kokuba lilibale ukundithumelela ipakethe ebalulekileyo.” Kunokuba aphendule, wandigxeka ngenxa yokuba ndicaphukile, emva koko akazange atye ukuze abonakalise umsindo wakhe. unyango cwaka. 

Kodwa ndiye ndagqiba ekubeni ndibone ukuba kuya kwenzeka ntoni ukuba andimhoyi okanye ndibonise ukuba ndisacaphukile, ndambuza ukuba angathanda ntoni na ngesidlo sangokuhlwa, wanyibilika, wandixelela ukuba uxinezelekile ngumsebenzi yaye ulibele ngokupheleleyo. Njengoko ubona, kufuneka ubonise iimvakalelo zakho ukuze nazo zivuleke.

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9. Jonga iqabane lakho

Uya kufunda okuninzi malunga neqabane lakho ukuba uthe wagqiba ekubeni uziqwalasele. Ukuba iqabane lakho libonakalise ukunqongophala kweempawu zovelwano, nikela ingqalelo kwindlela abaziphatha ngayo ngexesha nasemva kwesenzo kwaye uzibuze:

• Ufunde ntoni ngokujonga imisebenzi yabo emva kwesigqibo?
• Ngaba baye banyanzeleka ukuba benze isigqibo ngenxa yemibandela ethile yobuqu?
• Ngewawenze ntoni kwimeko efanayo?

Oku kuya kukunika ukuqonda okuninzi kunobangela osisiseko wokungabi naluvelwano kwabo kwaye kunokukunceda ujonge iimeko ezifanayo ngcono kwixesha elizayo. Ngaphandle koko, xa uxoxa ngalo mbandela kunye nabo, uya kukulungela ngakumbi ukunikela imizekelo ebonakalayo apho kanye kanye ingxaki ikhoyo. 

10. Nceda iqabane lakho livelise uvelwano

Nceda iqabane lakho liphuhlise isakhono sovelwano. Musa ukuyikhawulela kwizenzo zabo kubudlelwane. Nokuba iqabane lakho liyabagweba abanye, hlala phantsi nithethe. Xoxani ngokuba kutheni ucinga ukuba akufanelekanga ukuba bagwebe abanye. Ngale ndlela, baya kukwazi ukuvelana nawe xa bekwiimeko ezinzima kunye nawe. Nanku umzekelo omnye:

Intombi yakho iyacaphuka ngelixa ifunda iindaba malunga nomdlali oqhawula umtshato nomfazi wakhe we-10 iminyaka emva kokuba enomoya. ukuthandana ngaphandle komtshato kunye ne-co-star. Uqala ukugxeka umdlali kunye nesigqibo sakhe. Uyangena, usithi usenokuba unezizathu zakhe, kwaye akanalo nofifi lokuba umtshato wabo ubunobuthi.

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11. Bacele ukuba bakuncede

Xa umntu ngokwemvelo engenalo uvelwano, basenokungayazi indlela yokusabela okanye yokungena, kwiimeko ezithile. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, kusenokufuneka ukuba uthethe ngakumbi ngeemfuno zakho. Kulungile ukubacela ukuba bakuncede ngento onengxaki nayo okanye bakuboleke indlebe okanye igxalaba. Ukuba iqabane lakho lenza iinzame zokuhlangabezana neemfuno zakho, luphawu olukhuthazayo lokuba benza umgudu wokuba ngcono. 

Iingcinga Final

Apha sifika esiphelweni sesi sikhokelo esibanzi sokungabi navelwano kubudlelwane. Siqinisekile ukuba ngoku uqhelene neempendulo zombuzo othi, “Yintoni ukungabi naluvelwano?”, kwaye uxhotyiselwe ukuthatha imingeni enxulumene nalo mbandela ngqo. Khumbula ukuba ungaze umgwebe umntu ongakwaziyo ukubonisa uvelwano. Oko bekuya kukwenza ungabi naluvelwano nawe. Kunoko, funda ukubona ukungabikho kweempawu zovelwano uze uzame ukufumanisa izizathu ezibangela oko. Ukuchasana nokungabikho kovelwano ngendlela yovelwano lolona bhejo lwakho lungcono ekusindiseni ubudlelwane kunye nokusebenza kubudlelwane obunempilo, obunempilo ngakumbi. 

Iimpawu ezili-15 zokungahoywa ngokweemvakalelo kumtshato

Iingxaki zobudlelwane ezi-6 zeMillennials zizisa eyona iNyango kakhulu

Iingxoxo ezili-11 zobudlelwane ezipela iDoom kwiBond yakho

Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.

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