Ukuvuma ukukopela kwiqabane lakho: Iingcebiso ezili-11 zeeNgcali

Ukusabalalisa uthando

Hlala neqela labahlobo, okanye nabantu ongabaziyo, nithethe ngokutshata komntu omnye. Uya kuva ezininzi iingcamango ezinomdla, uphando lwezenzululwazi, ukuqonda, kunye namava omntu malunga nokubaluleka kokubini umfazi omnye kunye no-non-monogamy, kunye namava abantu apho bavuma ukukopela amaqabane abo.

Nangona ezi ngxoxo zinika umdla, ukwenziwa kwezi ngqikelelo - nokuba kumfazi omnye okanye umntu omnye - ayisosiqinisekiso sobudenge, kwaye kufuna ukuzinikela kunye nokufunda okuninzi. Abantu abaninzi, abakubudlelwane bomntu omnye, bagqibela ngokuvuma ukukopela amaqabane abo. Okumangalisayo kukuba, abantu abakubudlelwane obungahlali nomntu omnye bayayenza loo nto nabo.

Ngokwenqaku, ngaphantsi kwe-5% yeentlobo zezilwanyana ezincancisayo ezingama-4,000 zineqabane elinye. Xa sele uyithethile loo nto, ukuba ungene kwilungiselelo apho ukukopa kungavumelekanga, awukwazi ukuyifiphalisa imida yeenqobo ezisesikweni. Awunakumenzakalisa iqabane lakho ngokuthi, “Owu, kodwa abantu abadalelwanga ukuba babe nomfazi omnye.”

Ukufumana ukuqonda ngakumbi, sathetha nomqeqeshi wobomi kunye nomcebisi Joie Bose, osebenza ngokukhethekileyo ekululekeni abantu abajongene nemitshato enempatho-gadalala, ukuqhawuka komtshato nokuthandana ngaphandle komtshato. Ukuba ubuqhatha iqabane lakho, kwaye unqwenela ukuyibeka ngqo ingxelo kwaye uvume ukuqhatha, kufuneka sikuxelele - ayizukuba luhambo olulula. Masiqale.

Ngaba ufanele Uvume ukukopela kwi-SO yakho?

Isiqulatho

Oku kusizisa kwezinye zezinto abantu abaninzi abacinga ngazo emva kokuba beqhathile iqabane labo: Ngaba ndibaxelele? Ngaba kukho ingongoma yokuvuma ukukopela kwiminyaka kamva? Ziziphi iingenelo neengozi zokubaxelela? Babeza kusabela njani? Ngaba bangahlukana nam? Akufunekanga ndizame ukusindisa ubuhlobo ngokuyifihla le mpazamo?

Akukho mgaqo omnye oya kufanela wonke umntu oye waqhatha iqabane lakhe. Obunye ubudlelwane bukhetha umgaqo-nkqubo othi “ungabuzi, ungaxeleli”. Abanye abantu banelungiselelo neqabane labo lokuba “Ukuba uthe walahleka kube kanye, nam ndivumelekile ukuba ndenze oko kube kanye”. Kwabanye, ukukopela kanye asiyonto a umsaphuli wobudlelwane, kodwa ngaphezu kwesihlandlo esinye. Kwabanye, kukungcatshwa kokugqibela, kwaye ukuvuma ukuqhatha kubo kuyabaqhekeza ngokupheleleyo.

Linjani iqabane lakho? Kwinxalenye yokuqala yobudlelwane bakho, ngaba ukhe wancokola malunga nokungathembeki, kwaye uyazazi iingcinga zabo ngokukopela? Kufuneka uvavanye konke oku ngaphambi kokuba uthathe isigqibo sokuvuma ukukopela kwi-SO yakho.

UJoie wongeza, "Kufuneka ucace ukuba kutheni uyenzile. Nokuba awuyazi impendulo, nyaniseka ngayo. Ukuba uceba ukuyila loo nto, ayizukusebenza. Ke ngokusisiseko, uzivavanya ubunyani besenzo njengoko ulungiselela ukuvuma. Vavanya ukuba kuya kwenzeka ntoni ukuba iqabane lakho belingazi, kwaye ukuba bebeyazi njani indlela abasabela ngayo kwaye benokuqonda xa beyazi, kwaye benokuqonda. uxolelo.”

Singatsho ukuba iqabane lakho lifanelwe ukuba kubudlelwane obunyanisekileyo, apho banokukhetha ukungabi neqabane elingathembekanga okanye bakhethe ukuphilisa, ukuxolela, kunye nokuhamba nawe. Bafanele ukuba babe nolo khetho. Ukuba uthatha isigqibo sokubaxelela, sineengcebiso ezili-11 zeengcali zokukukhokela kolu hambo lubuhlungu. Nantsi indlela onokuhamba ngayo ngokuvuma ukukopela iqabane lakho.

Iingcebiso ezili-11 zeeNgcali xa ucinga ngokuvuma ukukopela

Ngoku ekubeni wenze isigqibo sokunyaniseka yindlela omawuhambe ngayo, nokuba kubuhlungu kangakanani na, silapha ukuze senze loo nkqubo ibe lula kuwe nakwiqabane lakho. Into yokuqala ongayenza kukuba ungazibetheli ngayo ngonaphakade. Ewe, into oyenzileyo ibingakhathali kwaye ibuhlungu. Kodwa, kufuneka uzixolele ngoku, thatha ixesha elide njengoko ufuna ukuba oko kwenzeke.

Kufuneka ujonge kwikamva kwaye uphathe iqabane lakho elinxungupheleyo kunye nawe ngethemba lokuba nobabini nithatha isigqibo philisa kwaye uhlale kunye. Siyathemba ukuba ezi ngcebiso ezili-11 ziyakunceda xa ucinga ngokuvuma ukukopela iqabane lakho:

1. Uceba ukuvuma nini ukukopela?

Uceba nini ukuvuma ukukopela kwiSO yakho? Ngaba kusebudeni beeyure zomsebenzi wabo? Ngaba ngeli xesha bacinezeleke kakhulu? Ngaba ilungile phambi kwesiganeko esibalulekileyo? Siyathemba ukuba akunjalo. Nceda uqinisekise ukuba ixesha lakho linovakalelo kwaye lithathela ingqalelo indlela abasabela ngayo kwiindaba.

Kwakhona, ukuba uyavuma ukukopela kwiminyaka kamva, unokuxolelwa kwezinye iimeko kodwa akuyomfuneko. USpence uthi, “Kwiimeko ezinjalo, iqabane lakho linokuthi thatha ixesha ngaphandle kobudlelwane ukuyamkela into yokuba umntu obunguye wahluke kakhulu kulowo ebecinga ukuba unguye. Ubuncinane yile nto yenzekayo kum neqabane lam xa ndandimqhatha kanye kwiminyaka emininzi eyadlulayo kodwa ndamxelela mva nje.”

2. Uceba njani ukuvuma ukukopela?

Ngaba ungabathumelela umyalezo wokuba bavume ukukopela? Ngaba uza kuthetha ubuso ngobuso? Cinga ngesixhobo esiphakathi, njengoko kufuneka sibe seso apho a) ukwazi ukubeka inqaku lakho ngokuhambelanayo nangobuntununtunu, b) uyakwazi ukukhankanya into oyinqwenela kwixesha elizayo – ukwahlukana okanye ukulungisa, c) iqabane lakho liziva likhululekile ukufumana iindaba.

URita uthi: “Ndazityhutyha zonke izinto entloko kunye nabahlobo bam ababini abasenyongweni ngaphambi kokuba ndivume.” Andizange ndibe novalo ngolu hlobo, kodwa ndandisazi ukuba andinakusuka nje ndithethe nantoni na ethi qatha engqondweni yam.

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Iindlela ezi-8 zokuphinda uqhagamshele emva komlo omkhulu

3. Umxholo wesivumo sovumo

Ngaba uya kubaxelela zonke iinkcukacha okanye iziseko nje? Ngaba zonke iinkcukacha zibalulekile xa uvuma ukukopela? Unokuvuma ukukopela, kwaye mhlawumbi ubaxelele ukuba yayihamba nabani. Kodwa linda ukuba bakubuze iinkcukacha. Bavumele ukuba baqhubele phambili ukungcatsha phambi kokuba wongeze amafutha amaninzi kwimililo yabo yangaphakathi.

Musa ukubaphatha njenge-confessional yakho okanye i-Therapist yakho. Azikho apha ukuze zikwenze uzive ungcono okanye zikuqinisekise. Baza kudlula ngokwaneleyo imiba yokuthembela ngoku, musa ukongeza kuyo. URita uhlabela mgama esithi, “Ndandifuna ukubalisa yonke into, yonke into, zonke iinkcukacha, kodwa ndayekiswa ngabahlobo bam. Bandixelela ukuba andinalo ilungelo lokumoyisa iqabane lam ngokubhekele phaya.

4. Ithoni yesivumo sakho

Ilizwi lakho kufuneka linyaniseke kwaye lixolise. Nazi ezinye zezinto ongafanele uzikhumbule: a) Ithoni yakho ayinakuzikhusela, b) ayinakuba ndlongondlongo, c) ayinakumdelela iqabane lakho, kwaye d) Ayinakuzola kangangokuba umxelele ngendlela ecacileyo.

UJoie ucebisa ngelithi: “Xa uvuma ukuqhatha, usenokuba wophula intliziyo yaloo mntu ubumqhatha naye.” Khawuyivale loo nto.

5. Injongo yesivumo sakho

Yenza injongo yakho icace. Ngaba uyafuna ukwenza izinto zisebenze kunye nabo? Ngaba unqwenela ukubashiya? Okanye mhlawumbi unqwenela ukuba nencoko malunga nendlela ofuna ngayo ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo. Kodwa oku kuya kufuna ukuba wenze izilungiso ngenxa yokuba wenze ukukopela kwaye ufuna ukuba nobudlelwane obuvulekileyo ngoku akukulungisi okwenzekayo.

Siyambuza uJoie ngale nto kwaye uthi, "Xa uvuma izono, qiniseka ukuba uthetha ngento oza kuyenza ukuyithintela ngakumbi. Musa ukushiya amanyathelo exesha elizayo ejinga. Ayisosiphelo sehlabathi. Ukuqhubela phambili ngesithembiso sengomso elingcono nelinyanisekileyo kubalulekile."

UkuFunda okuFanayo: 8 Open Relationship Imithetho ekufuneka ilandelwe ukuze isebenze

6. Musa ukugxeka umntu omqhathileyo okanye naye

Yayisisigqibo sakho ukuqhatha. Kuya kufuneka uphendule ngokupheleleyo kwaye ungathethi izinto ezinje, “wandilukuhla”, “bendinxilile”, “awulilo iqabane elilungileyo kum”, njalo njalo. Awuqhathi. Ngoko ke, musa ukugxeka nabani na.

UTroy uthi: “Ithuku lam lokuqala yayikukuxelela iqabane lam ukuba yayilityala lakhe. ukuphathwa ngokweemvakalelo. "

7. Xelela umntu obumqhatha naye ukuba uyavuma ukuba uyaqhatha

UJoie uthi, “Nabani na oye waqhatha naye ufanele azi kwangaphambili ukuba uyavuma ukuba uyaqhatha. Iqabane lakho linokujamelana nabo. Kwimeko enjalo, ukungazi ngokupheleleyo ngesigqibo sakho akukho sikweni kwaye kunokuba yingozi kubo.

Kwakhona, ukuba uceba ukushiya iqabane lakho kunye phelisa ubudlelwane ukuze ube nalo mntu umqhathile naye, kufuneka uxoxe naye ngesi sigqibo. Ngoko ke, ngaba zonke iinkcukacha zibalulekile xa uvuma ukukopela? Ngomnye umntu, basenokuba nje.

8. Yiba nesisa xa ucela uxolo

UJoie uthi, “Ewe, cela uxolo uze ukulungele ukuqhubeka ucela de ukufumane. Kulungele ukuzingisa.” Lo ayingomsebenzi wosuku olunye, kuya kufuneka ubonise uxolo olunyanisekileyo nanini na xa unako kwaye nanini na xa iqabane lakho likudinga ukuba uxolise.

Oku kunokuqhubeka kangangeeveki, kwaneenyanga, kuxhomekeke kubunzulu bempembelelo kwiqabane lakho okanye indlela obugcwele ngayo ubudlelwane bakho nomnye umntu. Izinto ezimbini nangona kunjalo: ungaqhubeki ucela uxolo xa iqabane lakho lifuna ngokucacileyo indawo, kwaye mhlawumbi liya kwenza njalo. Kwakhona, ukuba iqabane lakho liyaziphindezela kwaye lifuna ukwenza uzive umbi kangangeenyanga, lixesha lokuzoba umda kwaye ungavumeli esi siganeko sichaphazele impilo yakho yengqondo.

UkuFunda okuFanayo: Ndidinga Isithuba-Yeyiphi eyona ndlela ilungileyo yokucela indawo kubudlelwane

9. Buza iqabane lakho ukuba lifuna ntoni

Ngaba bafuna izilungiso? Babuze ukuba yintoni onokuyenza kubo. Wonke umntu kufuneka enze ukwenzakala, aphilise, kwaye azive edibene kwakhona ngeendlela ezahlukeneyo. Awunako ukubazisela iintyatyambo yonke imihla kwaye ucinge ukuba wenza ngokwaneleyo, ukuba asiyiyo indlela abakufuna ngayo ukuba ulungise.

Ngaba bafuna indawo? Yenza loo nto ke, ubanike ithuba, kwaye ungahlali ulindele ukuxolelwa okwangoku. Nobabini ningadinga iingcebiso zesibini, kwaye ukuba yiloo nto niyifunayo, iBonobology's Iphaneli yeetheraphi ezinamava ilapha ukukukhokela kwinkqubo kwaye upeyinte indlela yokubuyisela.

10. Yiba khona kwiqabane lakho

Ewe, yiba ukho kwiintswelo zabo ezingokweemvakalelo nokuphiliswa. Kodwa oku kuthetha ukuba musa ukunyamalala. Basenokufuna indawo kuwe, kwaye unokufuna ixesha lokufumana izinto, kodwa qiniseka ukuba uhlala unxibelelene ngokunyanisekileyo kwaye ungabashiyi. Sele beziva belahliwe nguwe, musa ukongeza kuloo mvakalelo.

UTroy uthi: “Iqabane lam lalifuna indawo kum kangangeentsuku ezimbalwa emva kokuba ndivume ukuqhathwa. Kodwa ndaqiniseka ukuba ndilithumelela umyalezo izihlandlo ezimbalwa ngosuku, ngemvume yakhe, ndikwihotele endandihlala kuyo.

11. Uphendula kwiqabane lakho, hayi wonke umntu

UJoie ulumkisa ngelithi, “Ngaphambi kokuba uvume ukuba uyaqhatha, nceda uqiniseke ukuba bonke abantu baya kwazi ngayo nendlela abaya kuchaphazeleka ngayo ziindaba. Lungiselela ukugxekwa ngabantu abaninzi. Yenza isigqibo ngento oya kuyithetha kubo nendlela eya phambili.

Abantu bosapho lwakho kunye nosapho lweqabane lakho banokufuna iimpendulo kunye nokuphendula. Kwezinye iimeko, ewe kufuneka uphendule imibuzo yabo kwaye ubaxolise nabo. Kodwa kwiimeko ezininzi, ekuphela kwezinto ezibalulekileyo kukuxolelwa kweqabane lakho, indawo ulwalamano lwakho oluyidingayo kuye wonke umntu ukuze uphilise, kwaye usete entsha kunye. ulindelo olusengqiqweni omnye komnye.

Ewe, izakuba luhambo olude phambi kwenu nobabini, kodwa siqinisekile ukuba kuya kuzifanela iintlungu kunye neengxabano ukuba nobabini niphumelele. Ngaba ezi ngcebiso zili-11 beziluncedo? Sazise ukuba bebekusebenzela, okanye ukuba ufuna ukongeza into kolu luhlu kumava akho obuqu.

I-Affair Aftermath-Njani Yokuphuma Ukopela Ukukopela Ubutyala

Abantu aba-6 Babelana NgeZifundo Abazifundileyo Emva Kokuqhatha nokungathembeki

Indlela Yokuphilisa Ubudlelwane Ngokucamngca

Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.