Imizekelo eyi-13 yeempawu ezixubeneyo ezivela kubafana

Ngenye imini banenkathalo, bamamele kwaye babuza yonke imibuzo elungileyo. Ngosuku olulandelayo, bakushiya ufunda iiyure ezingama-72 ezilandelayo. Okubi nangakumbi kukuba awufumani mbhalo, kodwa basajonge onke amabali akho e-Instagram. Ngaba inokudida ngakumbi? Imiqondiso exutyiweyo evela kubafana inokukushiya usonwaya intloko, kodwa silapha ukunceda.  

Kweli xesha siphila kulo, ukuzama ukulinganisa ithoni yomntu kwisicatshulwa kunokuba lucelomngeni. Amanqaku amaninzi kakhulu esikhuzo emva kwe-"Hi" elula anokwenza ukuba babonakale ngathi banomdla, bambalwa kakhulu kwaye ngokuqinisekileyo abanamdla. 

Ngaba ezo ziganeko zibalwa ngokwenene njengemiqondiso edibeneyo evela kubafana? Ngaba ngokwenene uziva ushushu kwaye uyabanda okanye ufunda kuyo kancinane kakhulu? Ngoncedo lwengqondo yengqondo UGqr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), ojongene nokucebisa ngobudlelwane kunye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapy, makhe sijonge eyona mizekelo ixhaphakileyo yemiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana. 

Imizekelo eyi-13 yeempawu ezixubeneyo ezivela kubafana

Ngaphambi kokuba siqonde ukuba kuthetha ukuthini xa umfana ethumela imiqondiso exubeneyo kwaye kufuneka wenze ntoni ngayo, kubalulekile ukujonga oko nokubalwa njengophawu oluxubeneyo. Ngokwendalo, ngamanye amaxesha sityekele ekucingeni kakhulu ezona ntsebenziswano zincinci kwaye sincamathele intsingiselo ngakumbi kubo kunokuba bekucetywa. Umzekelo, umntu unokuphendula nje kumabali akho eendaba zoluntu ngaphandle kokucinga kakhulu. Kodwa ukuba ucinga ukuba leyo yindlela yabo yokuqalisa incoko nawe, usenokuphoxeka. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, xa ngokucacileyo akukho siseko semiqondiso exubeneyo ukusuka kubafana ukuya phezulu, unetyala lakho kuphela. 

Kodwa xa lo mntu ethandana nomhlobo wakho osenyongweni kwaye akakwazi ukuyeka ukukuthumela izicatshulwa zothando ngo-2am, ngokufanelekileyo kuya kukuthumelela ezantsi umngxuma womvundla, uzama ukuqonda ukuba bathetha ukuthini ngombhalo ngamnye owufumanayo. Njengoko unokuxelela ngoku, ukwazi ukuba yintoni ebaluleke njengemiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana kubaluleke kakhulu njengokwazi ukuba kutheni benokubathumela. Masikuncede ngaloo nto kanye, ukuze ube nokuqinisekisa xa ufumana iimpawu ezixubeneyo ukusuka ekutyunjweni okanye ukuba yenye yezo meko apho ubukhe wacinga kakhulu. 

1. Isiginali edibeneyo yeklasikhi evela kubafana: ukuthetha ngee-exes zabo 

“Xa beqhubeka bethetha ngeentombi zabo kwintombazana abayithandayo okanye xa bethetha ngobungakanani bentlungu abadlule kuyo, oko kuthetha umqondiso ocacileyo ocacileyo,” utsho. UGqr. Bhonsle. Wongezelela ngelithi, “Uyibhida intombazana oyithandayo ngokukhulisa lowo ungasamthandiyo.” Ngenxa yoko, umele acinge oku, “Ngaba batyalwe ndim okanye usenokuba ubaleka uye kuye emva kophawu lokuqala lwengxaki?

Usenokuba neminye imibuzo engqondweni yakhe enjengale “Ngaba bazama ukundikhweletela? Ngaba le yindlela yabo yokuzama ukundixelela ukuba olu luhlobo lokhuphiswano lokuhoywa kwabo?” Abafana banika njani imiqondiso edibeneyo? Ngokucinga ukuba ukuthetha nge-ex yabo nomntu abamncengayo ngoku ngumbono olungileyo. Akunjalo nje ukuba abanalo naluphi na uluvo lokuba kuqhubeka ntoni entloko, kodwa bagqibela ngokukubhidanisa. 

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2. Ukuziphatha okushushu nokubanda 

Xa uthetha ngemiqondiso edibeneyo evela kubafana, ukuziphatha okushushu nokubanda ngokuqhelekileyo yinto ethi qatha engqondweni. Ngenye imini, bayakuncoma isinxibo sakho emsebenzini, bakuthumelele imiyalezo de kube ngu-2am, kwaye benze ngathi nguwe wedwa umntu obalulekileyo kubo. Kwaye xa imeko yemiqondiso exubeneyo evela kumfana onentombi, abasayi kuyeka ukwenza amehlo kuwe naxa iqabane likwigumbi.

Ngosuku olulandelayo, iitekisi zakho zishiywa zingaphendulwanga, zixakeke kakhulu ukuba zingakufowunela, yaye ziyacima naziphi na izicwangciso osenokuba ubunazo. Elona candelo libi kakhulu, xa sele ulungele ukuqhubeka ngenxa yokuba unesiporho, ufumana isicatshulwa kunye ne-emoji yentliziyo ebomvu. Awunakubhideka ngakumbi kunoko, akunjalo?

3. “Undikhumbuza umama/udadewethu” 

Uxolo, kodwa inokuba ithetha ukuthini loo nto?! Le isenokuba yindlela yabo yokubonisa ukuba akukho nto izakwenzeka apha, okanye, kwezinye iimeko, basenokuzama ukukuncoma ngandlel’ ithile. Okungaqhelekanga. UGqr. Bhonsle ucacisa esithi: “Xa indoda ixelela ibhinqa ukuba ilikhumbuza ngonina, loo nto yenza umfazi azive ngathi unezihlangu ezikhulu zokuzalisa, okanye enze izinto engaqondanga ekusenokwenzeka ukuba akavumelani nazo.

Ngokomzekelo, ukuba wakha wathetha ngendlela unina amlawula ngayo, ngoko ukuthelekisa nomama wakhe akuyonto ilungileyo,” wongezelela ngelithi. Yintetho ebhidayo ukuyenza, ngakumbi nomntu onokuthi ujonge ubudlelwane bezothando.

4. Iimpawu ezixubileyo ezivela kubafana: Xa befumana isondo ngaphandle kweblue 

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Xa indoda ikhumbula ukuba liqabane lamabhinqa ebomini bayo, inokuzama ukusivala okwexeshana eso sikhewu ngokuba neentlobano zesini ngokugqithiseleyo—okanye ubuncinane izame ukuba njalo—nomhlobo wayo. Ukongeza, "Utshintsho olunje ngequbuliso kwisimo sakhe kunye nokuzama ukutshintsha ubudlelwane bakhe nomhlobo luphawu oluxubeneyo olucacileyo kuba ekwenza oko ngenxa yendlela ebukhumbula ngayo ubuqabane basetyhini." Kwezinye iimeko, ukucacisa imiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana ayiyona nto inzima kwihlabathi. Ingakumbi xa bekuthumelela umyalezo ebusuku bebuza ukuba bangeza na kwindawo yakho nebhotile yewayini. 

5. Abanakuze benze naziphi na izicwangciso kunye nawe 

Bakuncoma ngeetekisi, badlala ngawe, kwaye bakufowunela ngokoqobo ngalo lonke ixesha bekwazi. Babelana nawe ngezinto ezininzi, kwaye aboyiki ukukuxelela indlela abacinga ukuba umhle ngayo. Kodwa, abazange bacele ukudibana. Njengokuba, njalo. Ukuba ufumana imiqondiso exubeneyo ukusuka ekuqhekekeni ngale ndlela, kuya kukushiya ucinga ukuba ungumhlobo we-intanethi kuye. Okanye mhlawumbi akazange aphume endlwini yakhe. Ayivakali kakuhle. 

6. Abakuxhasi 

Ukuba unomntu osezandleni zakho oye wakuxelela ukuba angathanda nzulu unxibelelwano lweemvakalelo nawe kodwa usoloko ubonakala ngathi utyaliwe xa kubalungele, uye wafumana ityala lemiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana. Umzekelo, lo mntu unokuza kuwe ngexesha lokudinga kwakhe, kodwa xa izinto ziba nzima kuwe, akafuni ukwenza umgudu kwaye akuxhase. Ngenxa yoko, unokuziva ungaxabisekanga kwaye usetyenziswa. 

7. Ukuba bayaziphikisa 

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Ukuba [baqhubeka] bethetha ngokufuna ukutshata kodwa kwangaxeshanye bathethe into enjengale, “Andinaxesha lobuhlobo, ndixakeke gqitha ngumsebenzi wam,” uchaza oko uGqr. Bhonsle. Khawufane ucinge ukuba umntu osebenza naye ukuxelela ukuba bangathanda ukukwazi ngcono kodwa bahlala beguqe ngamadolo emsebenzini. Bathi bafuna ubuhlobo obunzulu, kodwa umsebenzi awubavumeli ukuba bathandane. Kwangaxeshanye, ukudlala ngothando nawe yeyona nto bayithandayo. Yimeko ecacileyo yemiqondiso edibeneyo evela kumntu osebenza naye oyindoda. 

8. Akukho nxibelelwano luncinci emva komhla 

Imizekelo yemiqondiso edibeneyo evela kumfana iza kuzo zonke iimo kunye neefom. Ukuba ufumene umhla kunye nalo mntu kwaye kuhambe kakuhle, ukungafumani fowuni okanye isicatshulwa okanye impendulo emva ngokuqinisekileyo kuya kukushiya uzibuza ukuba yintoni ephosakeleyo. Xa ufumana "Uxolo, ndixakeke kakhulu ngumsebenzi! Ube nexesha elimnandi. Kwakhona? Xo" zama ukunganyibiliki ngokupheleleyo kuyo. Le nto uyibonayo kukunqongophala ukuthandana etiquette.

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9. Xa bengakhathali kakhulu ngobomi bakho bokwabelana ngesondo

"Inokuba ngumqondiso oxubileyo ovela kubafana xa kubonakala ngathi abanamdla kakhulu malunga nobomi bakho bokwabelana ngesondo kunye nabanye abantu onokuthi ubalandele. Basenokubonakala bakukhathalele ngothando, kodwa abayi kubeka iliso ngethemba lokuba usondelene nabanye abantu. 

10. …Okanye xa ngesiquphe bebanga ukuba nomfazi omnye asiyonto iphambili 

Ukuba ubukwi-cusp yokuphuhlisa into ebaluleke ngakumbi nalo mntu, inxalenye yakho inokucinga ukuba yedwa phakathi kwenu nobabini (kuxhomekeke ekunyamezeleni kwakho ukuziphatha ngokwesini, kunjalo). Kodwa xa ngequbuliso bebanga ukuba baqhelekile “ubudlelwane obuvulekileyo unobubele” kwiinyanga ezimbini emva kokuba ethethe nawe, asiyonto imnandi ukuva ukuba ufunga ngokuba nomfazi omnye. 

11. Kukho ukudlala ngothando ngokuphandle 

Umzekelo weempawu ezixubeneyo zomntu osebenza naye oyindoda unokubandakanya imeko apho umntu ebonakala ezisa umdlalo wakhe we-A kunye nawe, kuphela ukuba ubabone bephinda yonke into efanayo nomnye umntu. UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Ngandlel’ ithile, eyona nto bazama ukukubonisa yona kukuba awubalulekanga kangako kubo.” Xa bethetha ngokuthandana kwenu nobabini kodwa nihambe nibonisana ngokuphandle nabanye, oko kusenokuvakala kuthotywe ngokugqithiseleyo.” UGqr. 

12 Bazinikele, kodwa bancwasa nawe 

Iimpawu ezixubileyo ezivela kumfana onentombi zinokwenza izinto zibe nzima kuye wonke umntu obandakanyekayo. I worse xa uyamazi umntu wakhe buqu, kodwa nalomntu ukwi DM zakho, uthetha ngendlela angathanda ngayo ukuba umntu wakhe ebefana nawe. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, kusoloko kucetyiswa ukuba unganikezeli kwisilingo. Kukho ithuba lokwenyani lokuba izinto ziya kuba mbi, kwaye uya kushiyeka uchaza imiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana ngelixa isibini esiguqukayo sisilwa malunga nemiba yabo yokuthembana. 

13. Xa bengafuni kukuxelela ukuba uyibize ngantoni 

“Ngokwala ukubeka igama elithile kuyo, ngokusisiseko abaluniki isidima esithile kulwalamano. abahlobo abanokuxhamla, kodwa andizukuyivuma loo nto. Omnye umntu kufuneka aqinisekise ukuba uyayichaza le nto ayifunayo naye. Utshintsho kufuneka lwenzeke kumacala omabini ekubeni ezi zinto zingenakusekelwe kwintelekelelo,” ucacisa ngelitshoyo uGqr. Bhonsle. 

Basenokubuthatha lula ubukho bakho ebomini babo kwaye bangabuhloneli ngokwaneleyo ukuba bakunike impendulo ecacileyo xa ubacela ukuba bachaze ubudlelwane. Kwiimeko ezininzi, basenokungakwenzi oko kuba bengaqinisekanga ngento abayifunayo. 

Yintoni enokuyenza xa iGuy ikunika iMiqondiso exutyiweyo?

Ukuba uye waqinisekisa ukuba uye wafumana into efanayo komnye wale mizekelo idweliswe ngasentla, kunokukudimaza ukwazi ukuba bakunika imbeko encinane kangakanani kunye 'nobudlelwane' obucinga ukuba uyabuhlakulela. Silapha ukunceda. Ngoku uyayazi impendulo yombuzo othi, "Abafana banika njani imiqondiso edibeneyo?" lixesha lokuba ujonge into onokuyenza ngayo. UGqr. Bhonsle usixelela yonke into ekufuneka siyazi. 

1. Baxelele indlela oziva ngayo 

Iimpawu ezixubeneyo ezivela kubafana zihlala ziphosa indlela yakho ngaphandle kokuba umfana aqonde into abayenzayo. Basenokungayiqondi indlela abakwenzakalisa ngayo, kwaye ngokuqinisekileyo abazi ukuba amazwi abo abhidayo akwenza ucinge kakhulu kangakanani na. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, fumana isibindi sokuthetha nendlovu kwigumbi. UGqr. Bhonsle ucacisa ngokubhekele phaya, “Ukuba uziva uziva ithathwa njengesiqhelo, ukuba uvakalelwa kukuba iimvakalelo zakho azithathelwa ngqalelo, thetha ngaloo nto uze umazise loo mntu ukuba ucinga ntoni. Baxelele indlela ovakalelwa ngayo kunye nempembelelo yokuziphatha kwabo kuwe. "

2. Yilumkele indlela oyinxibelelana ngayo 

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Qiniseka ukuba uzama ukungasoyikisi yaye usekelwe kwizibakala kangangoko kunokwenzeka.” Thetha ngezinto ezenzekileyo nendlela ezikwenze wavakalelwa ngayo. Iincoko ezinjalo zinokubakho ukuba nzima ngokwenene, ngokukhawuleza ngokwenene. Ukuba usondela kwincoko ngendlela ecaphukile, basenokuphakuzela ekubeni ingxabano eshushu isenokuba yinto yokugqibela ebebeyilindele kuwe. 

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3. Xela ulindelo lwakho 

“Thetha ngokugqithisileyo kwaye ungafihli malunga nolindelo lwakho. Ngaloo nto, ndithetha ngokuthe ngqo into enje, “Ndikhangela umtshato,” okanye “Ndijonge ukuba semntwini. ukuzinikela kunye nobudlelwane bomfazi omnye nomnye umntu.” Okukhona uxelela lo mntu ngokukhawuleza ukuba yintoni kanye le uyikhangelayo kunye noko ukulindele kuye, kokukhona unciphisa amathuba okufumana iimpawu ezixubeneyo zabafana. 

4. Thatha inyathelo emva 

Ukuba awukhululekanga ngokujongana nomba okanye awucingi ukuba amandla akho okuphatha ubudlelwane obunjalo, eyona ndlela ilungileyo yokujongana nemiqondiso exubeneyo evela kubafana kukurhoxa kancinci. Ngokwenjenjalo, ubaxelela ukuba akufumaneki nanini na befuna ukuthetha nawe, yaye basenokuqalisa ukukuhlonela ngakumbi. 

5. Hamba uye ucinge ngezinye iindlela 

UGqr. Bhonsle uthi: “Umbuzo wokuba umntu ufanele aphume nini na uxhomekeke kuye ngokupheleleyo.” Nguwe wedwa onokuphendula ukuba kungakanani ukubandezeleka okukuko ukubandezeleka okugqithiseleyo, nento oya kumvumela ukuba adlule kuyo.” Abanye abantu banokunyamezela ngakumbi, kodwa abanye basenokungakuthabathi lula ukudlaliswa.” UGqr. Ukuba ucinga ukuba impilo yakho yengqondo ichatshazelwa kakubi yiyo yonke idrama odibana nayo, kusoloko kululuvo oluhle ukuziqhelanisa nemeko ngokupheleleyo. 

Ngethemba, ngoku ungaphendula umbuzo othi "Kuthetha ukuthini xa umfana ethumela iimpawu ezixubileyo kwaye ndihlangabezana njani nayo?". Ukuba uzifumana ukwimeko enjalo, khumbula ukuhlala uzibeka kwindawo yokuqala. Kungenxa yokuba lo mntu ubhidekile malunga nento ayifunayo ayithethi ukuba ufumana ukwenza uzive udidekile ngokulinganayo.

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