Siyini isisekelo sobudlelwano obunempilo? Uthando, ukwethembeka, ukwethembana, ukwethembeka, inhlonipho, ukuqonda - abantu abahlukene bangase babe nemibono ehlukene kulokho okwenza ubuhlobo buqine. Nokho, isici esibalulekile sokuqinisa isisekelo sobuhlobo esivame ukunganakwa ukukhulumisana okuhle. Izimpawu zokungakhulumisani okubi ebudlelwaneni zifana nomuhlwa - zizodla ubudlelwano benu ngaphakathi, bube yize.
Izimpawu zokungakhulumisani kahle ebudlelwaneni azibukeki njengempi egcwele. Ngezinye izikhathi uthi “Kungani ungakwenzanga lokho engikucele ukuba ukwenze?” noma ukuphatha umlingani wakho ngokuthula kungakhuluma kakhulu. Imishado eminingi nobudlelwano buqiniswa ukukhulumisana okuhle futhi kuqala ukuwohloka ngoba imibhangqwana iyakhohlwa ukukhulumisana.
Uma unenkinga yokuxhumana okungasebenzi kahle ebudlelwaneni, silapha ukuzokusiza. Sihlanganise uhlu lwezimpawu zokuxhumana okubi ebudlelwaneni ngosizo lukaShazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), ogxile ekwelulekeni ngokwehlukana kanye nokwehlukanisa.
Yini Edala Ukungakhulumisani Okungalungile Ebudlelwaneni?
Okuqukethwe
Kunezizathu ezingenakubalwa ezenza kube nokuntuleka kokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni. Laba abangqongqozi emnyango ongaphambili kodwa bangena kancane kancane endlini yakho. Ngaphambi kokuthi wazi, kunomonakalo ongenakulungiseka endwangu elukwe kahle yobudlelwano benu.
UShazia uthi, “Ukuntuleka kokuqwashisa ngokomzwelo kuyimbangela eyinhloko yokungaxhumani kahle ebudlelwaneni. Uma umuntu ekwazi ukulawula imizwa yakhe ngendlela efanele, angayikhuluma kangcono, ngaleyo ndlela akhe ubudlelwano obuhle.”
Ukuze sibe nombono ongcono, ake sihlole ezinye izizathu zokuntuleka kokuxhumana ebuhlotsheni ongase ungabuboni buzayo:
1. Impilo iphazamisa
Mhlawumbe lesi yisona sizathu esivame kakhulu sokuntuleka kokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni, futhi kungaba yinkinga uma ubuhlobo sebuqhubeke isikhathi eside noma sebuzinzile. Amashejuli omsebenzi angqubuzanayo, izinto ezibangela ukucindezeleka emsebenzini, noma ngisho nobuhlobo obunzima nomphathi, ithimba, noma ilungu lomndeni kungaba nomthelela omubi ekuxhumaneni kwakho ngokomzimba nangokomzwelo nomlingani wakho.
Abantu abaningi baqala ukufaka ingcindezi ngaphakathi, noma okubi nakakhulu, baqale ukuwahambisa kubalingani babo. Imigqa phakathi kwempilo yobungcweti neyomuntu siqu iba lufifi futhi esikhundleni sokuba uhhafu wakho ongcono noma umuntu ongabelana naye ngomthwalo wakho, omunye obalulekile wehliselwa eminye imininingwane eyengeziwe empilweni yakho.
Ukukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni bebanga elide nakho kusuka kuleli phuzu. Laba balingani ababili baba matasa kakhulu behola izimpilo zabo ngabanye futhi babhekane nezinselele okwenza ukuthi ukuxhumana okuphumelelayo kubekelwe eceleni.
2. Ukungamethembi
Njengoba sishilo ekuqaleni, ukwethembana kuyisisekelo sobudlelwano. Kodwa-ke, ukwehla kancane kancane nokuqina kokholo, ukwethembeka, kanye nokubeka izinto obala ekugcineni kuholela emifantwini yesisekelo, ebonakala ngendlela yezimpawu zokukhulumisana okubi ebuhlotsheni.
Ukuntuleka kokuthembana kungaba nezimbangela eziningana eziyisisekelo. Kusukela ekungathembekini ngokwezimali kuya ekuziphatheni okuhlukumezayo, kunezizathu eziningi ezenza imibhangqwana iyeke ukuthembana. Ngokuvamile, kungaba yinto ecacile njengokungathembeki okuhlala isikhathi eside.
Isibonelo, intombi ibuza isoka layo mayelana nezinhlelo zalo zangempelasonto bese liqamba amanga lithi kufanele liye esidlweni sakusihlwa somndeni. Eqinisweni, ufuna ukubuka umdlalo webhola neqembu lakhe. Lapho intombi ithola iqiniso, uma kungenjalo, ingxenye ethile yokuthembela kwayo kuyo izophela.
Uma lokhu kuqhubeka isikhathi esithile, uzoyeka ukumethemba, okuholela enkingeni yezinye izinkinga ebudlelwaneni. Lezi zindaba zokuxhumana namasoka zigcina ziholela ekuhlakazweni kobudlelwano obuseduze.
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3. Ukwethuka noma ukuhlukumezeka
Esinye isizathu esivamile sokuntuleka kokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni ukuhlukumezeka noma ukushaqeka okutholwa yinoma yimuphi umlingani. Isigameko esibuhlungu ezimpilweni zethu singashintsha njalo ubuntu bethu, ngakho-ke akumangazi ukuthi singase siguqule indlela osebenzisana ngayo nowakwakho noma omunye obalulekile.
Isibonelo, ukulahlekelwa umsebenzi kungase kuzwakale njengokulimaza okukhulu ukuzethemba kwakho , futhi ukuqhosha kungakuvimbela ukuthi wabelane ngemizwa yakho yangempela nomuntu omthandayo. Ngokufanayo, ngemva kokufelwa noma ukulahlekelwa okungalindelekile, ungase ungabi nomuzwa wokukhuluma obala ukuze ukhululeke ngokuphelele nomlingani wakho mayelana nendlela ozizwa ngayo ngempela.
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Cabanga ngalokhu: Ubuya ekhaya ngemva kokusebenza usuku olude futhi uthole umkakho elinde ukudla nawe isidlo sakusihlwa. Uyakubuza ukuthi luhambe kanjani usuku lwakho aqhubeke akutshele ezakhe. Esimweni sakho sokusebenza ngokweqile, uyamshaya futhi wenqabe ukudla isidlo sakusihlwa. Nobabili nilala nicasukile futhi nilambile. Kuzwakala ujwayelekile? Lokhu kuwuphawu lokungakhulumisani okubi ebudlelwaneni.
Esikhundleni sokumthethisa, indlela ekahle iwukukhuluma ngokuthi ukhathele futhi ungathanda ukuphumula isikhashana. Nokho, ngezinye izikhathi siyakhohlwa ukuthi ngisho nomlingani wethu akakwazi ukufunda izingqondo zethu. Ukuveza okuzwayo ngendlela ehlelekile kubalulekile ekukhulumisaneni okunempilo. Kubukeka kuyize uma kubhekwa izigameko zempilo kodwa ukuxhumana kuyisihluthulelo sokugcina ubudlelwano.
Abaningi imibhangqwana ebudlelwaneni obude uhlangabezana nezinkinga ezinkulu zokuxhumana. Ibanga, ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo, nokulangazelela ukusondelana ngokomzimba kuholela entukuthelweni, okuholela ekungakhulumisani kahle. Ukuxhumana okubi ebudlelwaneni obukude kungaxazululeka kalula ngokwakha uhlelo olunempilo lokuxhumana. Nazi ezinye izimpawu zokungakhulumisani okubi ebudlelwaneni okungenzeka ukuthi uzigejile:
1. Ukuziphatha okungenangqondo
Uma kunokuxhumana okuningi okungenamsebenzi nobudlova ebudlelwaneni, kungenye yezimpawu okufanele uziqaphele. Ukwelashwa okuvamile kokuthula , amahlaya ayimicabango yangempela, ukuphendula okuhlambalazayo, ukusola abanye, kanye nokuthethisa ngezinto ezincane konke kuyizimpawu zokuxhumana okubi.
Uma umlingani wakho ephendukela ekuziphatheni kokungenzi lutho-nolaka kuyo yonke imibuzo ombuza yona, kungasho ukuthi uthandana nomuntu omubi. Uma yonke into ethi “Yini engalungile baby?” uhlangana no "Lutho, ngilungile!" (lapho bengekho kahle), kuwuphawu lokungakhulumisani kahle ebudlelwaneni.
Izinkinga zokuxhumana ezifana nalezi zivame kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bebanga elide. Esimeni esinjalo, kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuthi lapho ungenakukwazi ukuba seduze nothile, ukuxhumana kuwukuphela kwentambo ebambezela ubuhlobo bakho. Ukuklolodela umlingani wakho uma ekhohlwe ukukushayela akuyona indlela efanele. Esikhundleni salokho, sebenzisa isikhathi onakho ukubhekana nokukhulumisana okubi ebuhlotsheni obude ngokuvumela umlingani wakho azi kahle ukuthi uzizwa kanjani.
2. Ukuntuleka kokusondelana ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni
Isizathu esikhulu sokuntuleka kokukhulumisana ebudlelwaneni ukungabikho kokusondelana ngokomzwelo phakathi kwabashadile. Izinga lokusondelana ngokomzwelo onalo nophathina wakho lilingana ngokuqondile nokuthi uzizwa uphephe kangakanani ukuxoxa ngemibono yakho naye.
Kusobala ukuthi ukuthulisa ngemizwa yakho kungabeka engcupheni ukuzinza kobudlelwano benu. Ukukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni kusho nokungamniki umlingani wakho indawo ephephile yokuveza imizwa yakhe. Ukuthula kungase kube ukusabela okungokwemvelo kokunganakwa, ukunganakwa, noma ukugconwa esikhathini esidlule.
“Ukusondelana ngokomzwelo kubaluleke njengokusondelana ngokomzimba ebudlelwaneni . Ukuqonda ukucutshungulwa kwemizwa nokuyiveza ngendlela efanele kusiza ekuqiniseni ubudlelwano,” kusho uShazia.
3. Ukuphazamisa ingxoxo
Ingabe kukhona okucasulayo ukwedlula ukuzama ukuqhuba ingxoxo nomuntu ohlala ekuphazamisa phakathi kwemicabango yakho? Imibhangqwana kufanele ikwazi ukuba nezingxoxo lapho bobabili abalingani benethuba lokuziveza futhi bezwiwa. Ukuphazanyiswa njalo kuyisibonakaliso esibomvu okufanele ungasinaki futhi kungenye yezimpawu zokukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni.
Uma uzibuza ukuthi ungaxhumana kanjani nobuhlobo nendoda noma owesifazane, impendulo ilula kakhulu. Ukuzwa nokulalelwa kuyindlela engcono kakhulu yokunikeza ubudlelwano bakho ithuba. Esikhundleni sokuzama ukufunda ingqondo yomlingani wakho, ukuthatha isikhathi ukuze uzizwe kuyindlela engcono yokuthuthukisa ukukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni.
“Ukulalela ngentshiseko kusiza ekuqondeni imizwa yomunye umuntu futhi lapho umuntu ezwa ezwakele esothandweni, kumnika indawo ekhululekile yokuhlanganyela okwengeziwe,” kunezela uShazia.
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4. Ukungakhulumi
Enye yezinkinga ezivame kakhulu zokukhulumisana namasoka abesifazane ababhekana nazo, ukungakhulumisani. Akukho lutho olubi njengokukhipha umlingani wakho futhi ungayinaki imicabango nemizwa yakhe. Uyazi ukuthi ujola nomuntu okhuluma kabi uma engakuphenduli nixabene kunalokho anqume ukuthula.
NgokukaShazia, "Ukuthula kusekelwe ekugwemeni noma ukuzama ukubalekela isimo, esingesihle kunoma yibuphi ubuhlobo. Ukuxoxa nokuxazulula ngaso sonke isikhathi kungcono."
Kuwumqondo oyisisekelo - akukho ukuxhumana, akukho budlelwano. Ungalindeli ukuthi umlingani wakho afunde ingqondo yakho. Ukuzinika isikhathi sokuqoqa imicabango yakho kuyindaba ehlukile kunokuziba ngokuphelele ukukhathazeka okuphakanyiswe umlingani wakho. Uma unikeza umlingani wakho indlela yokuthula, yeka ngokushesha, ikakhulukazi ebudlelwaneni obude. Akukho okubi ukwedlula ukunganakwa ngumuntu omthandayo
Umlingani wakho uzokufunda kanjani ubuso bakho noma aqonde imizwa yakho ukude? Ungabashiyi bezibuza ukuthi konakelephi ngoba kuholela ekucabangeni ngokweqile nasesiphithiphithini. Ukungakhulumisani kungenye yezimpawu ezimbi kakhulu zokukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni futhi kufanele kugwenywe yibo bobabili abalingani.
5. Ukwanda kwamagqubu
Ake sicabange ngalesi simo: Ufika ekhaya ngemva kosuku olude lomsebenzi. Umlingani wakho akalutho emisebenzini yasendlini noma ekuphekeni isidlo sakusihlwa. Uzwakalisa ukungajabuli kwakho kodwa akukho okuzoshintsha. Ukucasuka kukhula ngaphansi, kuvutha futhi kukitaze njengebhomu lesikhathi.
Ukukhulumisana okubi ebudlelwaneni kuholela ekukhukhumaleni kwentukuthelo engqondweni yomlingani wakho. Ungase uzame ukuxhumana nomlingani wakho, kodwa uma uhlangabezana nokudumala njalo futhi uzizwa sengathi ushayeke odongeni, khona-ke ukukhathazeka kwakho kuzophela futhi kukhule ngendlela yentukuthelo ebudlelwaneni.
Uyazi ukuthi uthandana nomuntu omubi noma ungomunye wakho uma omunye wenu engakwazi ukunaka izinto ezikhathaza omunye futhi niqala ukuzwa umuzwa wokungathandi ngomunye nomunye.
6. Ukuncintisana
Ebudlelwaneni obuningi, izimpawu zokukhulumisana okubi ziqala ukubonakala lapho imibhangqwana igxila ekubeni lungile kunokujabula. UShazia uthi: “Omunye umlingani angase ahlulele omunye futhi aqale ukugxila kulokho okulungile nokungalungile kodwa izinto azihlali zimnyama nezimhlophe.
Uma yonke impikiswano igxile ekutheni ubani olungile kakhulu, kusho ukuthi kukhona ukuxhumana okubi ebudlelwaneni. Ngenxa yalokho, imibhangqwana iyaqhubeka nokuhambahamba lapho kufanele igxile ekusunguleni indawo evumelana ngayo. Ingase ixabane kabi ngombuzo we-trivia noma okuhlangenwe nakho okwabiwe, ilahlekelwe umbono wesithombe esibanzi. Kukhona umbango wamandla oqhubekayo phakathi kwabashadikazi wokubonisa ukuthi ubani ongcono kunomunye.
Izithandani ezihlale ndawonye isikhathi eside zisemathubeni amaningi okuba nalo lolu daba. Kodwa-ke, uma unezinkinga zokuxhumana njengamanje, kungenzeka ukuthi zaqala kudala futhi zibe zimbi kakhulu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.
7. Ukuba nolaka
Ukuba sebudlelwaneni kusho ukuthi ufuna ukuba sendaweni enothando lapho ungazizwa uphephile khona. Kodwa-ke, izinto zingaba zimbi lapho oyedwa noma bobabili abalingani besebenzisa ukuziphatha okunolaka. Akukhona nje ukuxhumana okubi ebudlelwaneni, kodwa futhi kuyingozi kakhulu. Ukuphakamisa izwi lakho noma ukumemeza ukuze ufakazele iphuzu akuyona indlela efanele yokusondela ebudlelwaneni futhi ngokuqinisekile kufaneleka njengenye yezimpawu zokuxhumana okubi ebudlelwaneni. Ukuziphatha okunolaka akufanele kubekezelelwe. Indoda ehlukumezayo iyisibonelo salokho ukuziphatha okunolaka okungaholela kukho uma ungakuyeki manje.
UShazia unikeza ukuqonda, “Umuntu ongaqapheli ngokomzwelo uvame ukuba nolaka ukuze afakazele iphuzu lakhe ngoba engakwazi ukuveza imizwa yakhe ethukuthele noma enolaka. Lokhu kuwuphawu lomuntu obuthakathaka ngokomzwelo.”
Abesifazane bavame ukuba nale nkinga ebudlelwaneni. Abazi ukuthi kuxhunyanwa kanjani ebudlelwaneni bomuntu wesilisa ngoba owesilisa uphendukela ekuziphatheni okunolaka. Uma njalo uzama ukukhuluma nomuntu othandana naye agcine ethukuthele, ekujikijela izinto, noma akuthethise, lokho kuwuphawu lokuthi uthandana nomuntu omubi.
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8. Ukungakwazi ukufinyelela imigomo efanayo
Ubudlelwano bumayelana nokuzijabulisa kanye nokubeka imigomo emisha ndawonye. Ngeke ukwazi ukuzibekela umgomo ngokuhlanganyela uma ungakwazi ukuxhumana kahle nozakwenu. Uzofuna into eyodwa, kuyilapho bona bazofuna enye into. Uma ungakwazi ukuphikisa lezi zihloko ngendlela efanele nangokuvuthwa, ukuhlukana kuzokhula nakanjani.
“Ukwamukelana nokuqondana kuyisihluthulelo, lapho abantu ababili bemukelana njengoba benjalo, kuba lula ukuzibekela imigomo futhi bayifinyelele,” kusho uShazia.
9. Ukuveza isimo semizwa kumlingani
Ebudlelwaneni, ukuqagela - ukuthambekela kwengqondo kokuveza izinzwa zakho nokwesaba komunye umuntu futhi uhumushe ngokungeyikho ukuziphatha kwabo njengokuqinisa lobo bunzima - kuvame. Phela, sibona umhlaba ngemizwa yethu siqu, ngakho-ke izinto zingagwemeka kalula. Iqhinga, nokho, ukusebenza ekuzaziseni ukuze uqaphele lapho wena noma oshade naye niveza futhi nizimisele ukukhuluma ngakho.
UShazia uyeluleka, “Uzwela lungasiza lapha, uma uzama ukubona umbono womunye umuntu futhi uzama ukuqonda, kuyowenza umehluko. Ukuntula uzwela kwenza kube nzima kubantu futhi bavame ukubeka ukwesaba nokukhathazeka kwabo kwabanye.”
Wonke umbhangqwana unesabelo sawo sokwehla nokwenyuka. Phela, impilo ayilutho uma kungeyona into engapheli yokugibela i-rollercoaster. Nokho, ukukhulumisana okubi ebuhlotsheni kungenza kube nzima ukujabulela ukugibela. Ngakho-ke, uma ubona izimpawu zokungakhulumisani okubi ebudlelwaneni, thathani izinyathelo ndawonye ukuze niziqede. Umlingani wakho nguye okufanele ukwazi ukukhuluma naye ngakho konke futhi ujabulele izingxoxo ezimnandi naye.
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