Izimpawu eziyi-11 Umlingani Wakho Akakufanelanga

Ingxenye engcono, okunye okubalulekile, intshisekelo yothando, umlingani, umlingani - amagama ahlukene ukuchaza lowo muntu okhethekile osho umhlaba kuwe. Kodwa ngolunye usuku, uyabona ukuthi kukhona okushodayo ebudlelwaneni benu. Ngokushesha, uzungezwe izimpawu ezishaqisayo umlingani wakho engalungile kuwe. Phela akulona ize ukuthi uthando lubizwa ngokuthi impumputhe.

Imibhangqwana yaseLovestruck ibona umhlaba ngezibuko ezinemibala egqamile. Behlanyiswe izintelezi zomlingani wabo, bayehluleka ukuqaphela amafulegi abomvu kamuva aphuma njengesithupha esibuhlungu. Igwebu lothando liqhuma kungazelelwe lapho umlingani wakho ekwenza uzizwe sengathi awenele. Noma benza kube sengathi bakwenzela umusa ngokuba sebudlelwaneni nawe. Kuzwakala sengathi usebudlelwaneni obuphoqelelwe.

Noma mhlawumbe usaphika. Uzama ukuphoqa ubudlelwano ukuthi buhlale endleleni ngoba uthanda isithandwa sakho. Kodwa ukhohlwe ukuthi ukuhambisana trumps uthando. Ukukusiza uqonde izimpawu zokuthi awuhambisani nomuntu othile, sibophe ubudlelwano nomqeqeshi wokusondelana Shivanya Yogmayaa (kugunyazwe emhlabeni jikelele ezindleleni zokwelapha ze-EFT, NLP, CBT, ne-REBT), ochwepheshe bezinhlobo ezahlukene zokwelulekwa kwabashadile.

Izimpawu eziyi-11 Umlingani Wakho Akakufanelanga

Ukuthola uzakwethu oyedwa okulungele akulula njengoba kuvezwa kumamuvi noma isiko le-pop. Khohlwa ngothando ekuqaleni. Ngisho nangemva kwezingxoxo ezingapheli kanye nokuhlangana-cutes, ungakhohliswa ukuba uwele kumuntu ongalungile futhi ungabanjwa ebuhlotsheni obungajabulisi. Hhayi-ke, akusenani, uma usunale ngqalabutho yobudlelwano lapha eneqolo lakho.

Ukuhlukana nobudlelwano akuyona into embi ngaso sonke isikhathi. Futhi alihlali ligcwele ubuhlungu nokuhlupheka. Yiqiniso, ukukhukhuleka kumuntu obukhangayo kuzokwenza uzizwe ungelutho. Kodwa futhi kungaba isinyathelo esihle esiholela enjabulweni nasekuthuleni kwengqondo. Uma imicabango yakho ihlezi izungeza “Umlingani wami usho lukhulu kimi, kodwa angikwazi ukukuziba ukungezwani kwethu” noma “Ngiyalithanda isoka lami, kodwa angisajabule,” lezi kungaba izimpawu. umlingani wakho akakulungele. Qaphela okulandelayo:

1. Izidingo zakho zihlala zingagcwaliseki

Uma izidingo zakho zihlale zingafezwa umlingani wakho, kungenye yezimpawu zokuphoqa ubudlelwano. Ake sithi ubufuna ukudla uphudingi ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa futhi ubulokhu ulangazelela leyo donadi isikhathi esingaphezu kwenyanga manje. Uzakwenu uyakwazi lokhu kodwa umatasa uchitha isikhathi efonini yakhe futhi aziba izicelo zakho zokuya nawe e-Dunkin Donuts eseduze. Uma umlingani wakho engakunaki nhlobo lokho okufunayo, kuyacaca ukuthi akubona ubudlelwano obufanele wena.

Ukuze kucace, ukuthi abakuthenganga uphudingi akusho ukuthi kufanele uhlukane. Kodwa iqiniso lokuthi baqhubeka bezishaya indiva izidingo zakho kuwubugovu nokungacabangeli. Kube sengathi abanandaba nawe nhlobo. Lokhu kuyinto eyodwa nje. Uma behluleka ukuhlangabezana nezinye izimfuno zakho njengoba kukhona ukuntuleka kokuxhumana ngokomzwelo. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi bakuncisha ubudlelwano bocansi obunempilo. Uma othile eqaphela ukuthi akazimisele ukukwenzela izinto, kuyacaca ukuthi awunandaba naye ngokwanele. 

2. Umaqondana wakho uyanarcissistic

Mina, mina, ngokwami ​​– yilena ndlela iningi lezingxoxo zophathina wakho eziqala futhi ziphele ngayo. Esinye sezibonakaliso zokuqala ukuthi ubudlelwano ngeke buhlale ukungabikho kwakho esithombeni. Yize kusobala ukuthi uyinsika eqinile yobudlelwano obusekela ngobukhona bakho benhliziyo yonke, akuvunywa neze. Umlingani wakho uthatha indawo ephakathi nendawo lapho kufanele kucatshangelwe kuphela imibono yakhe, izinkolelo, imibono kanye nempilo yakhe.

Ozakwethu abazicabangela bona abasoze bazenza batholakale kuwe ngokomzwelo. Ubudlelwane obuhlukene ngokomzwelo bunomthelela ekusondelaneni kwabashadikazi, okuthi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi kukushiye unezibazi zokuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo. Njengoba uShivanya ephawula, “Olunye lwezimpawu ezibaluleke kakhulu ukuthi umlingani wakho akakufanelanga uchungechunge lwe-narcissistic. Ubudlelwano nabalingani abangaba narcissistic buya onqenqemeni lokuba yingozi. Ubudlelwano obunjalo bungenza ubungane bothando obudlulayo kuphela hhayi obuhlala njalo.

Abantu abaningi abasothandweni ababoni ukuthi abantu abathandana nabo kuze kuhlwe. Uma ungazi ukuthi ungasho kanjani ukuthi umlingani wakho uyi-narcissist noma cha, nazi ezinye zezimpawu eziyisixwayiso ze- umlingani we-narcissistic/ uzakwethu:

• Bazokhanyisa futhi bakulawule
• Bakwenza uzizwe sengathi awubalungeli
• Uthando lwabo lunemibandela
• Bakubeka icala ngenjabulo nokungajabuli kwabo
• Bakwenza ucele uthando nokunaka kwabo
• Bahlezi bebeka izaba uma bekhohlwa ukugubha impumelelo yakho kanye nezimpumelelo zakho
• Kulokhu kuliwa ebudlelwaneni
• Awuzizwa uphephile uma unabo
• Ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo kwenzeka, njengokushaywa ngamatshe kanye nokukhubeka

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: 8 Izinkinga Ezivamile “Zomshado We-Narcissistic” Kanye Nendlela Yokuzisingathwa ngayo

3. Ubudlelwano obuzimele

Umuzwa ogcwele wokuthi kukhona okushodayo ebudlelwaneni bakho ungaba esinye sezimpawu zokuqala ukuthi ubudlelwano ngeke buhlale. Umlingani wakho akayona inketho elungile kuwe uma encike kakhulu kuwe. Ozakwethu abafuna ngenkani - kungaba ngokomzwelo, ngokwezimali, ngokwenhlalo, noma ngokomzimba - benza ubudlelwano obunobuthi. Ungazi kanjani Uma umlingani wakho kungeyena? I-Codependency ebudlelwaneni ingabukeka kanje.

Uma u-bae wakho ekwenza uphenduke uMr./Miss Fix-It, kusho ukuthi ungafaneleki. Isilinganiso esingalingani sezibopho sidinga ukulinganiswa. Ukuthatha izingane esikoleni. Ukulungisa ifenisha ekhaya. Ukugijima imisebenzi. Ukuvakasha njalo kokuthenga igrosa. Konke lokhu nokunye akumele kube wumthwalo wakho wedwa. Uma kunguwena othwele umthwalo wakho konke, ngokuqinisekile kungenye yezimpawu zokuthi anilungile komunye nomunye.

U-Shivanya uyachaza, "Ubudlelwano obujabulisayo buphathelene nokulingana. Izibopho ezihlanganyelwe kanye nokuqondana kwakha isisekelo sobudlelwano obuvumelanayo. Izindima ezilinganayo zenziwa abantu ababili - yilokhu okufanele uhlose kukho ngenkathi ufuna umlingani."

4. Ukukhula kwakho kumile

Iphuzu lokuba sebudlelwaneni nomuntu wukukhula empilweni. Ukukhula kungaba yinoma yiluphi uhlobo okuhlanganisa:

• Engokomoya
• Uzwela 
• Personal 
• Onobuhlakani
• lwezezimali

Uma uzwa sengathi ukukhula kwakho ngabanye kuvimbelwe ngoba umatasa ujabulela isithandwa sakho esimthandayo, kusho ukuthi munye kuphela umuntu ohlomulayo kulobu budlelwano. Ubudlelwano buyizindlela ezimbili. Bobabili abantu kufanele bakhule ngabanye futhi njengombhangqwana. Chitha isikhathi nomlingani wakho futhi umazise ukuthi uzizwa unjani. Khuluma nabangane bakho nomndeni noma uchwepheshe womndeni futhi ucele imininingwane yakhe yokuthi ungayenza kanjani le ngxoxo nabo. 

5. Awujabule ngabo

“Ubudlelwano bami buhle kodwa angijabulile!”– ungakuthathi lokhu njengokugxambukela komuntu onesizungu. Lesi ngesinye sezimpawu ezicacile ukuthi awuhambisani nomuntu. Isithukuthezi singena ebudlelwaneni, izingxoxo ezibona iziphetho, injabulo iphela - zonke lezi izimpawu zokuqala ukuthi ubuhlobo ngeke buhlale. Kukhona okushodayo ebudlelwaneni bakho okubangela lokhu kungabi nenjabulo empilweni yakho.

Ubudlelwano bumayelana nokujabula nokwaneliseka othandweni. Impela, akekho ongaba hyped kakhulu ngothando nezothando 24/7. Kodwa inhlansi akufanele neze iphume. Uma ungakwazi ukugcina uthando kanye nengane kuwe ephila, lapho inkampani yabo, ke kuba ifulege elibomvu ubuhlobo bakho. Izingqinamba Zokuxhumana ukunqampuna ngaso sonke isikhathi futhi esinye sezimpawu ezibucayi ukuthi anilungile komunye nomunye. Ngokusho kuka-a Ucwaningo okwenziwa emibhangqwaneni engama-886, ukuxhumana nokufa kwaba nomthelela ekufakeni isehlukaniso, okubalelwa ku-53% wamavoti.

Ezinye izimpawu zokuthi aweneme ngomlingani wakho othandana naye yize nisebudlelwaneni obuhle zifaka:

• Ugxeka kakhulu yonke into eyenziwa umlingani wakho futhi lokhu kudala umgoqo phakathi kwenu nobabili
• Usuphenduke ubugovu futhi awunandaba nemizwa yomunye umuntu
• Ubudlelwano benu besikhathi eside bumile futhi akekho kini owenza noma yini ukuvuselela uthando nenjabulo
• Uzizwa sengathi ungajabula kakhudlwana nomunye umuntu
• Unemigomo ehlukene
• Abangani bakho nomndeni bangabona ukuthi uphatheke kabi kanjani kulobu budlelwano

Ukuba ndawonye nophathina wakho kufanele kube umsebenzi wokuzijabulisa nokuzijabulisa. Kungaba ukuhamba ngezinsuku, ukuhlala futhi ubukele imibukiso, noma nje ukwenza ubuwula komunye nomunye. Uma ungakujabuleli ukuchitha isikhathi sekhwalithi ndawonye, ​​kusho ukuthi umlingani wakho akayena umuntu ofanele ukuthi uchithe impilo yakho naye.

6. Inkanuko ithatha izintambo zothando

Imibhangqwana ehlangana ndawonye kuphela ngenxa yenkanuko ibulala ubuhlobo bayo kalula. Njengoba uShivanya ebonisa, “Ukuhahela amandla nemali ngokuvamile kwakha umnyombo wobuhlobo obuningi, noma umngane wakho womshado angase ashukunyiswe izithakazelo zabo zobulili.Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi yikuphi, kudingeka ubuqaphe ubuhlobo bakho naye.”

Uyazi othile akakulungele uma ubuhlobo buthola isisekelo sazo ezithakazelweni zabo zobugovu. Uma ukusondelana ngokomzimba kuwukuphela kwesisekelo sobudlelwano benu, ngakho-ke ngokungangabazeki kungenye yezimpawu zokuqala ukuthi ubudlelwano ngeke buhlale. Uzwa sengathi konke kumayelana nocansi futhi ayisekho enye indlela yokusondelana. Uyakungabaza ukuzethemba kwakho futhi uzizwa kabi ngokuba sebudlelwaneni nomuntu okusebenzisela ucansi futhi okuphambene nalokho. Uma zingekho ezinye izindlela zokugcina umlingani wakho ejabule ngaphandle kokufeza izidingo zabo zocansi, khona-ke ubudlelwano bakho bamanje buzophahlazeka futhi bushe ngokushesha noma kamuva.

I-National Library of Medicine yenza a cwaningo kubafundi besifazane abangu-189 nabafundi basenyuvesi besilisa abayi-119 ukuze baqonde ukuhlobana phakathi kobudlelwane babangane-ne-izinzuzo kanye nokuxhumana komphakathi nengqondo. Kutholwe ukuthi u-50% wabahlanganyeli uzizwe ukhohliswe umlingani wabo futhi babhekana nesizungu nokucindezeleka kwengqondo ngenxa yobudlelwane obuqondiswa ubulili kuphela, futhi akukho romance noma okunamathiselwe.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Ubudlelwano Bezobungane Ngezinzuzo Buyasebenza Ngempela?

7. Awumthembi umuntu wakho

Ukwethemba, ukholo, ukwethembeka, kanye nokungafihli amasondo ashayela bonke ubudlelwane. UMaya, umklami wesoftware oneminyaka engu-26 ubudala, wabelana nathi, "Ngiyalithanda isoka lami. Ubudlelwano bami buhle kodwa angijabule. Kunzima kakhulu ukumtshela ngezinkinga engibhekene nazo. Kuthinta kakhulu ukusondelana kwethu. Angizizwa ngikhululekile ngokuphelele uma nginaye ngenxa yalokhu futhi ngikuthola kunzima ukumethemba ngemizwa yami."

Nawa amanye amathiphu okuthi ungazi kanjani ukuthi umlingani wakho akuyena owakho:

• Uhlala uthola lowo muzwa ongajwayelekile wokuthi umlingani wakho ukufihlela okuthile
• Bavame ukuqamba amanga kuwe okuyisizathu esidala izinkinga zakho zokuthembela
• Awazi nje ungamthemba kanjani umuntu futhi ngemva kokukulimaza
• Uzakwenu uyimfihlo kakhulu ngefoni yakhe funa uzithole uzitholela okuthile
• Bakuqambela amanga ngokuphuma kwabo nabangani
• Awuzizwa kahle ngezinhloso zabo
• Abangani bakho nomndeni wakho bazizwe benezinsolo ezifanayo zokuthi umlingani wakho akathembeki ngokuphelele kuwe

Lezi kungaba ezinye zezimpawu ezikhathazayo ukuthi awukho nomuntu olungile. UShivanya uthi, “Ubudlelwano obuningi besimanje buyanqanyulwa ngenxa yokuntula ukwethembeka noma ukubeka izinto obala. Kumele ucabangele izinga lokwethembana nokungafihli lutho ebudlelwaneni bakho, ubone ukuthi ngabe umlingani wakho uyakufaka yini empilweni yakhe.”

Ucwaningo kwenziwe yi Izinqubo ze-National Academy of Sciences ikhombisa ukuthi ukwethembana kubaluleke kangakanani kubo bonke ubudlelwano bothando. Ucwaningo lukhombisa ukwephulwa kokwethenjwa okunzima kakhulu ukukubuyisela. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ubuhlobo obungenalo ukholo nokwethembana nakanjani buyohluleka.

8. Nina nobabili anibona abangane abakhulu

Ukuthola izimpawu zokuqala ubuhlobo ngeke buhlale kungakushiya udidekile. Uma umlingani wakho engazimisele ngokuba sebudlelwaneni nawe, ngeke kube khona ubuhlobo obuseduze. Uzokwazi ukubona kusengaphambili ukuhluleka kobudlelwano lapho kungekho ukujwayelana phakathi kwenu nobabili. Lapho abantu ababili abasebudlelwaneni obunempilo beba abangane ngaphambi kwezithandani, kungaba nomthelela omkhulu empilweni yobudlelwano phansi komugqa.

Impela, i-chemistry, inkanuko, nocansi oluhle kuhle ukugcina izinto zijabulisa. Kodwa abantu bakhetha ukuba sebudlelwaneni ngoba befuna ukuthi kube khona ozobakhipha uma bewa. Ngaphezu kwalokho, okubalulekile, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, yi- ukuhambisana kobudlelwano owabelana ngakho nomlingani wakho. Kufanele wabelane nabo ngobudlelwane obuhle. Akufanele neze uzizwe sengathi uzokwahlulelwa ngokukhuluma okusenhliziyweni yakho, futhi nawe kufanele ubenze bazizwe sengathi bangaba sengozini nawe.

UShivanya uveza lokhu njengesithako esiyisisekelo sobuhlobo obuhlala njalo, “Ngiye ngaphawula ukuthi ubuhlobo obuhlala njalo abukahlali ngenxa yokuthi babunezingxabano ezincane. Baqhubeka ngenxa yokuthi imibhangqwana yayinobungane endaweni, ibenza babe njengeqembu ngokumelene nazo zonke izinkinga. Uma nibona umngane komunye nomunye, khona-ke ubuhlobo benu bungase buphile isikhathi eside kangcono.”

Njenge ucwaningo iphepha ku Ijenali yezifundo Zenjabulo uveza, ubudlelwano buyajabulisa futhi bugculise nakakhulu uma abalingani bengabangane abakhulu. Ukucaphuna ocwaningweni, “... imiphumela yenhlalakahle yomshado icishe ibe mikhulu ngokuphindwe kabili kulabo abashade nabo futhi abangabangane babo abakhulu.”

9. Umaqondana wakho akakuhloniphi

Uma umlingani wakho engakuhloniphi, khona-ke angeke kube khona umbuzo wokuba sebudlelwaneni naye. Inhlonipho nokwazisa yizici ezimbili zobudlelwano. Ukuntuleka kwalokhu kuba isizinda sezinkinga. Uma umlingani wakho ekwenza uzizwe ungafanelekile noma engakuhloniphi, uyazi ukuthi sekuyisikhathi sokuphuma kuye.

Ugcine nini ukuthi umlingani wakho akucele ukuthi ucabangisise ngezinqumo ezibalulekile? Noma wazisa imizamo yakho futhi wabonisa ukubonga? Akuvamile? Khona-ke lokhu ngokuqinisekile ngesinye sezibonakaliso umlingani wakho engalungile kuwe. Ukungayinaki imizamo yakho, ukungaqinisekisi imibono yakho, kanye nezinkulumo ezingezinhle noma ezihlambalazayo ngawe - ngezinye ze amafulegi abomvu ebuhlotsheni.

UShivanya uphawula kanje, “Izithandani zihlale zilwa, kodwa lokho akusho ukuthi zizokhuluma nawe ngendlela ebonisa indelelo. Uma umlingani wakho engakuhloniphi futhi ekuthatha kalula, lezi yizimpawu zokuqala zokuthi ubuhlobo ngeke buqhubeke. Inhlonipho ephonswa ngefasitela, akukho ukuhambisana phakathi kwabalingani.”

10. Uphathina wakho uyi-control freak

UShivanya uphawula ezinye izici zobuntu ezifanayo njengezici ezinomthelela ebuhlotsheni obungazinzile, “Umhawu, ukuba nezinto, kanye nokuziphatha okubusa ngokweqile nokulawula kungabuqeda ubuhlobo benu.” Uma ubona noma yiziphi izimpawu zokuthi umlingani wakho u- lawula okuxakile, bese kuba yisinqumo esingalungile. Izindlela zokulawula nezinemingcele ziyizihibe ebudlelwaneni. Uzakwethu oweqisayo akagcini nje ngokulimaza ukukhula kwakho njengomuntu kodwa futhi uyasiza ebudlelwaneni obungapheli. Abantu bakhombisa uthando ngezindlela ezahlukene. Kodwa ayikho indlela okufanele ikwenze uzizwe sengathi umlingani wakho ungumphathi wakho.

Ukuba nezwi labo kukho konke okwenzayo, ukulawula izinqumo zakho, nokungakuniki indawo yomuntu siqu yokuphefumula kuyizinto ezimbalwa okufanele uziqaphele. Ingabe bayawuphoqelela umbono wabo ekukhetheni kwakho izingubo? Ingabe udinga ukufuna imvume yabo ngaphambi kokuphuma nabangani? Ingabe baqhelelanisa umndeni wakho nawe? Izimpawu zobuntu ezifana nalezi zibonisa ubudlelwano obunobuthi obungakucindezela futhi bukuphuce inkululeko yakho.

11. Abakusekeli

Umlingani ofanelekile kungaba umuntu owengeza ukubaluleka ebudlelwaneni, oveza okuhle kakhulu kuwe. Into yokugcina ongathanda ukuthi umlingani wakho ayenze ukukungabaza futhi ehlise isimilo sakho. Amazwi adumazayo angalimaza kakhulu kunalokho umuntu angakucabanga. Uma umlingani wakho engakholelwa kuwe namaphupho akho, kusho ukuthi umlingani wakho akakwanele kuwe. Abakufanele futhi abalufanele uthando lwakho.

Ukukhuthazana ukuthi kube yinguqulo engcono kakhulu yabo yilokho ubuhlobo obusekelayo bumayelana. Ukwesekwa ebudlelwaneni iyisisekelo esiyisisekelo, kungaba ngokomzwelo, kwezenhlalo, kwezezimali, noma ngokomoya. Kufana nokukhula. Umlingani wakho kufanele akuphakamise njengoba uqhubeka nokufeza amaphupho akho. Akumele bakunyakazise izulu nomhlaba. Amazwi ambalwa nje akhuthazayo nakhuthazayo anele ukwenza uzizwe sengathi ungawunqoba umhlaba. Kuhlala kuyilezi zinto ezincane ezibalulekile.

UShivanya uyanezela, “Ubudlelwano akufanele bube yisibopho. Uma umlingani wakho ekhathalela kuphela ukufeza izibopho zakhe nemisebenzi yakhe, kuyokwenza ubuhlobo benu bube yisicefe futhi kube indaba evamile. Bazoziphatha ngendlela ethile ngoba bebophekile ukuba benze kanjalo.”

Ngalokhu, sifika ekupheleni kwengxoxo yethu mayelana nezimpawu zokuthi awukho nomuntu olungile. Siyaqiniseka ukuthi lolu lwazi olunikezwe uchwepheshe wethu luzoba neqolo uma uqala uhambo lwakho lokufuna umaqondana. Gcina amehlo akho evulekile ukuze ucoshe lezi zimpawu, ulalele inhliziyo yakho (nalowo muzwa wamathumbu), bese ugxumela. Kukhona uthando nokuchichima kwakho okugciniwe!

Le ndatshana ibuyekezwe ngoMashi 2023.

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