Izimpawu Zokuthi Ngeke Uthole Intombi Nokuthi Yini Ongayenza Ngayo

Cishe uke wazibuza lokhu ngesinye isikhathi, “Kungani kubonakala kulula kangaka kwabanye ukungena ebudlelwaneni, kodwa hhayi kimi?” Uma lowo mcabango uke wafika engqondweni yakho izikhathi ezingaphezu kwesisodwa, awuwedwa. Amadoda amaningi alwa buthule nokuqomisana, ngokuvamile engaqiniseki ukuthi inkinga isekubukekeni kwawo, ubuntu bawo, ukuzethemba kwawo, noma okuthile okujulile.

Kulesi sihloko, sizohlukanisa izimpawu eziyi-15 ezingokoqobo ezingase zikuvimbele ekutholeni intombi, ngokusekelwe kwengqondo, ukuziphatha komphakathi, kanye nezindlela zokuthandana zangempela. Okubaluleke kakhulu, ngesibonakaliso ngasinye, uzoqonda nokuthi yini ongayenza ukuze usishintshe—ngokoqobo nangokoqobo.

Izimpawu Zokuthi Ngeke Uthole Umngane Wentombazanyana

Uma abantu befuna izimpawu zokuthi awusoze wathola intombi, abazama ngempela ukukuqonda ukuthi yini engase ihambe kabi empilweni yabo yokuthandana. Akukhona ukuzibiza ngokuthi “unenhlanhla” noma “ongahloselwe ubudlelwano.” Kumayelana nokuqaphela amaphethini angase akubambe buthule. Ake sihlukanise avame kakhulu ukuze ukwazi ukubona ukuthi yini esebenza kuwe bese uqala ukuyishintsha.

1. Ucabanga ukuthi wenqatshiwe ngaphambi kokuthi uzame

Ubikezela ukuthi cha, ngakho awusoze wafaka isicelo sakho engozini ngenxa yokwesaba ukuhlazeka. Lesi esinye sezibonakaliso ezicacile zokuthi ngeke usathola intombi uma iqhubeka ingalawulwa. Uyaziqinisekisa ukuthi wenza izinto ngendlela efanele, kodwa empeleni ukuzivikela ekuhluphekeni.

• Uyabona umuntu omthandayo
• Okwesikhashana, ucabanga ukuya phezulu usho into elula
• Khona-ke ingqondo yakho igcwalisa yonke indaba. Uzokwahlulela. Uzosho into exakile. Kuzoba yihlazo
• Ngakho-ke, ubheka ifoni yakho bese uvumela isikhathi sidlule sengathi asikaze sibe khona

Lokhu kubaluleke kakhulu kunalokho okucabangayo. Ukuzwela ukwenqatshwa kuyindlela efundwe kahle lapho ulindela khona ngokukhathazeka, usheshe uqonde, futhi usabela ngamandla ekwenqatshweni. Ucwaningo kukhombisile ukuthi le ndlela ithinta ukusebenza kobudlelwano bothando ngezindlela eziningi. Indlela efanayo iyakuvimba ngisho nangaphambi kokuba noma yini iqale, ngoba ubuchopho bakho buphatha ukwenqatshwa okucatshangwayo njengokwenqatshwa kwangempela. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, lokhu kuba ngesinye sezizathu ezinamandla kakhulu ongenakukwazi thola intombi.

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2. Ugwema izimo zomphakathi

Awukwazi ukuthandana wedwa. Akudingeki ube nomsindo noma ukhulume kakhulu, kodwa udinga ukuvezwa. Ukugwema kungenye yezibikezelo ezinamandla kakhulu zokuthi izinto ngeke zishintshe. Uma uzibuza ukuthi “kungani ngingenantombi”, lokhu kungaba yimpendulo.

• Izimpelasonto zakho ziyabikezelwa
• Hlala ekhaya, skrola, mhlawumbe usebenze, mhlawumbe uphumule
• Uma uphuma, kungenxa yemisebenzi, hhayi ukuzijabulisa nabantu
• Awuzibeki endaweni lapho ingxoxo ingenzeka khona ngokwemvelo, ngakho akukho okusha okungena empilweni yakho

Ngokombono wengqondo, ukugwema kugcina ukukhathazeka kuphila. Kumamodeli ezokwelapha ukukhathazeka komphakathi, ukugwema izimo kukuvimbela ekubeni nokuhlangenwe nakho okungafakazela ukuthi ukwesaba kwakho kuyiphutha. Yingakho ukwelashwa kugxile ekunciphiseni ukugwema isinyathelo ngesinyathelo.

3. Unezinga eliphansi kakhulu lokuzethemba

Uzikhulumela njengesitha. Izwi lakho langaphakathi lithi: 

• Harsh
• Okubalulekile
• Futhi ngokushesha ukucabanga ukuthi uhlulekile

Lokhu akukhona nje ukuzethemba okuphansi. Yinkulumo eqhubekayo yokuzigxeka eyakha indlela ozibonakalisa ngayo. Ungase ube nokuxhumana okuvamile, mhlawumbe ngisho nokuhle, kodwa kamuva ingqondo yakho igxuma iqonde ngqo ku-, “kungani ngihlala ngingashadile” noma “lokho kwakunzima, mhlawumbe wayecabanga ukuthi ngiyinqaba.” Umzuzwana omncane uba ubufakazi bendaba enkulu osuvele unqume ukuthi iyiqiniso.

Ngokwengqondo, lokhu kuxhuma endleleni obona ngayo ukubaluleka kobudlelwano bakho. Uma ukuzethemba kuphansi, kungenzeka kakhulu ukuthi: 

• Phuma
• Zivikele
• Futhi gwema izingozi 

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4. Awunaki ukubukeka kwakho

Asikuceli ukuthi ugqoke kahle njengomodeli. Kodwa futhi ungaphumi ubukeka sengathi usulilahlile ithemba lokuphila. Udinga ukugxila ku:

• Ukuzilungisa okuyisisekelo
• inhlanzeko
• Futhi gqoka izingubo ezifanelana 

Kuyizimpawu zokuzihlonipha. Ungase ubonakale ungakagundi, unezinwele ezingahlelekile noma izingubo ezingalingani kahle, bese uzitshela ukuthi "ungumuntu wemvelo" noma "awuzami kanzima." Kodwa lokho abanye abakufundayo ngokuvamile kuwumzamo omncane. Imibono yokuqala yenzeka ngokushesha, futhi ibumba indlela abantu abaxhumana ngayo nawe. Awutholi amathuba angenamkhawulo okusetha kabusha lowo mzuzu wokuqala.

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5. Awukaze wenze lutho

Ulinda uze uzizwe uqiniseka ngokuphelele owesifazane unesithakazelo kuwe. Inkinga iwukuthi, ukuqiniseka kuvame ukufika ngemva kokuthatha izingozi ezincane, hhayi ngaphambi kwalokho.

Ungase ukhulume nothile amasonto. Izingxoxo zibonakala zilungile. Kukhona induduzo, mhlawumbe nokujwayelana. Kodwa awukaze: 

• Phakamisa umhlangano
• Ungalokothi uveze isithakazelo
• Ungalokothi uqhubekele phambili izinto

Ekugcineni, iyanyamalala, bese uzitshela ukuthi “isanda kufa.”

Ukukhanga kudinga isiqondiso. Uma ukhuluma ngobungane kuphela, udala ukudideka phakathi kwenhloso yothando nobungane. Iningi labantu lizocabanga ukuthi unesizotha, awunasithakazelo.

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6. Uhlala endaweni yakho yokunethezeka 

Uyaqhubeka nokwenza lokho okujwayelekile, noma ngabe akuvezi mathuba okuhlangana nothile. Induduzo iqala ukuzizwa iphephile, kodwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi iba yikheji. Isimiso sakho singase sibonakale sizinzile. Umsebenzi, ikhaya, ijimu, isikhathi sokubuka isikrini, ukulala. Akukho lutho olungalungile ngaleyo ndlela, kodwa ayivulelekile emphakathini. Ayidali ukuxhumana okusha.

Lokhu akuphathelene nobuntu. Kumayelana nokuvezwa. Uma ungenjalo ukuhlangana nabesifazane, amathuba akho ahlala elinganiselwe. Abantu abaningi abanomuzwa wokuthi “abakaze babe nobudlelwano” bamane baphinda izindawo ezingavumeli ubudlelwano buqale.

7. Unesimo sengqondo somuntu ohlukunyeziwe

Uchaza impilo yakho yokuthandana ngokusola nangokuhlala unomphela. Uzitshela ukuthi: 

• Abesifazane abajulile
• Uhlelo alulungile
• Noma ubunenhlanhla kusukela ekuqaleni

Kungase kuzwakale kuyisivikelo ukucabanga ngale ndlela. Kususa ingcindezi kuwe. Kodwa futhi kususa ikhono lakho lokwenza izinto. Uqala ukudla okuqukethwe okuqinisa imibono efana nokuthi “izimpawu zokuthi awusoze wathola intombi” njengokungathi kuyimiphumela eqondile esikhundleni sezixwayiso.

Uma abantu bekholelwa ukuthi imiphumela ayisekho ezandleni zabo, bayayeka ukuzama ngisho noma amathuba ekhona. Ekuqomeni, lokhu kubalulekile. Ngoba konke kuqala ngokuzama: 

• Ingxoxo
• Umlayezo
• Ingozi elula

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8. Umphakathi wakho wokuxhumana nabantu ulinganiselwe kakhulu

Impilo yakho yokuxhumana nabantu ingase izungeze abantu ababili kuya kwabahlanu abafanayo. Abakuvezi ezindaweni ezintsha, futhi awungeni ezindaweni ezintsha wena ngokwakho. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ukuchayeka kwakho kuhlala kungashintshi. Kukhona iqiniso elilula lapha. 

• Inethiwekhi yakho iyichibi lakho lokuthandana
• Uma izindawo zakho zihlukahlukene, amathuba okuba uhlangane nomuntu ofanelana naye maningi.
• Ngaphandle kwalokho, ungase uqhubeke ubuza, “ingabe ngizokwenza thola intombi?” ngaphandle kokwenza noma yiziphi izinguquko

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9. “Umuhle” ngaphandle kokuthandana

Unomusa, uyahlonipha, futhi kulula ukukhuluma naye. Kodwa awulokothi udale ukukhanga. Uhlala uphephile, futhi ngokwenza kanjalo, uhlala ungabonakali ngomqondo wothando. Uziphatha njengomngane othembekile. Uyalalela, uyavuma, ugwema ukungezwani. Kodwa awulokothi: 

• Veza intshisekelo
• Ungalokothi usebenzise ukudlala ngothando amakhono
• Ungalokothi ubonise inhloso yothando

Kukhona umehluko phakathi kokukhangana nokuhambisana. Ukufanelana kuqinisa ubudlelwano. Ukukhangana kuyaqala. Uma ungakunaki lokhu, uwela ekuziphatheni kwe-friendzone ngokuphindaphindiwe, okuba ngesinye sezizathu ezikhungathekisa kakhulu zokungakwazi ukuthola intombi.

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10. Ubonakala sengathi uphelelwe yithemba noma uswele

Utshala imali eningi kakhulu, ngokushesha kakhulu. Ufuna isiqinisekiso kusenesikhathi, futhi ukuziphatha kwakho kuqala ukuzizwa kunamandla. Ungase: 

• Thumela imiyalezo eminingi ngaphandle kokulinda
• Hlola ukuthi othile uwubonile yini umbhalo wakho
• Noma ubuze ukuthi kungani behoxa ngemva kokuxhumana okuncane kakhulu

Ngokombono wakho, uqotho. Ngokombono wabo, kungazwakala sengathi kucindezelwa. Abantu bayakufuna ukuphepha ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni. Uma umuzwa wakho wokuzibona uncike kakhulu endleleni umuntu asabela ngayo kuwe, kudala ukungalingani okungamenza ayeke. 

11. Awunawo amakhono okuxhumana

Uyazabalaza qhubeka nengxoxo ngokwemvelo. 

• Noma ukhuluma okuncane kakhulu noma ulawula ingxoxo ngaphandle kokuqaphela
• Ungase ungabuzi nhlobo imibuzo, noma ungase uyibuze njengengxoxo 
• Ngezinye izikhathi ukhuluma ngawe kuphela ngoba ukhathazekile 

Noma ngabe yikuphi, ukuxhumana kuzwakala kungaxhunyiwe. Ukuxhumana kwakha ngokushintshana. Kumayelana nelukuluku, ukulalela, nokwabelana ngesivinini esizwakala sikhululekile. Uma lokhu kungekho, ukukhanga akunasikhala sokukhula, noma ngabe konke okunye kusendaweni.

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12. Ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa kakhulu

Uma ungazihloniphi, ubheka ukwenqatshwa njengobufakazi bokuthi akwanele. Ngoba awukwazi ukubhekana nokwaliwa, ugwema izimo lapho ukwenqatshwa kungenzeka khona. 

• Awusondeli
• Awubuzi
• Awuzifaki engcupheni
• Uhlala uphephile, kodwa futhi uhlala ubambekile

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13. Awunaso isiqondiso empilweni

Uzizwa sengathi uyazulazula. Izinsuku zakho azinawo uhlaka, futhi indlela yakho yesikhathi eside ayicaci. Ungase ufune ubuhlobo, kodwa futhi ulinde lobo buhlobo ukuthi bunikeze impilo yakho injongo. Lokho kudala ingcindezi enkulu esibophweni esingakabi khona.

Iningi labantu lidonseleka emqondweni wesiqondiso. Kubonisa ukuzinza nokuzihlonipha. Kubonisa nokuthi uyakha impilo yakho, awulindeli ukuthi othile ayiqede.

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14. Awuqondi amandla okukhanga

Amakhono okuxhumana nabantu adlala indima enkulu uma ufuna umlingani. Uma unobudlelwano obubi nabantu imikhuba yokujola:

• Uphuthelwa amasignali
• Awufundanga kahle intshisekelo yakho
• Ucindezela kakhulu noma awucindezeli nhlobo
• Ungase ungaziboni izimpawu zolimi lomzimba noma izimpawu zokuthandana ezicashile
• Ngezinye izikhathi uchaza ubungane njengokukhanga
• Ngezinye izikhathi uyayishaya indiva intshisekelo ecacile ngoba uyayingabaza

Ukuqomisana kuhilela ukwahlulela okusheshayo kanye nokuxhumana okungenazwi. Uma ungakwazi ukufunda lezi zinguquko, ukuxhumana kuzwakala kudida. Lokhu kungakwenza ubonakale ungaqiniseki, okuthinta ukukhanga kakhulu kunalokho okuqondayo.

15. Awuzibeki lapho amathuba ekhona khona

Kufanele wenze kanjani thola "lowo"Uma ungahlangani nhlobo nabesifazane abasha?" Isiphonso esomile empilweni yakho yokuthandana singabangelwa yilokhu:

• Ukungayi emicimbini yomphakathi
• Ukungajoyini imiphakathi
• Ukungasebenzisi njalo amapulatifomu lapho abantu behlangana khona 

Ukuxhumana kudinga ukuxhumana. Uma ungahlangani nabantu, akukho okuqalisayo. Abaningi abanomuzwa wokuthi abakaze babe nentombi bamane nje abekho ezindaweni lapho ubudlelwano bungakheka khona.

Indlela Yokulungisa Amaphethini Nokuthola Intombi

Indlela esheshayo yokuyeka ukuzizwa uvalelekile ukuyeka ukuzama "ukuxazulula abesifazane" bese usebenza ngokwakho esikhundleni salokho. Izinkinga eziyinhloko ozama ukuzilungisa zilula:

• Udinga ukuvezwa okwengeziwe
• Udinga ukuxhumana okungcono
• Udinga ubuhlobo obunempilo nokwenqatshwa

Ake sikusize ngalokho.

1. Yakha ukuzethemba ngesenzo

Ukuzethemba kuyingxenye enkulu yini ekwenza ukhange. Uyakha ngokwenza izinto ongazizwa ulungele ukuzenza. Khetha ukuchayeka okuncane okukodwa nsuku zonke: 

• Bingelela
• Buza umbuzo olula
• Bhala amazwana amafushane

Umsebenzi wakho kuphela ukwenza ummeli. Landela imizamo, hhayi imiphumela. Uma wenze lokho kuziphatha, uphumelele.

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2. Thuthukisa ukuchayeka emphakathini

Uma unombuthano wokuxhumana nabantu olinganiselwe, udinga izindawo eziphindaphindwayo lapho abantu bekubona khona izikhathi eziningi. Ukujwayelana kungandisa induduzo nokuthanda. Iningi lamadoda lizama iziteshi ezimbili kuphela: umsebenzi kanye izinhlelo zokuphola. Umsebenzi ungaba yingozi, futhi izinhlelo zokusebenza zingazwakala njengokwahlulela okungapheli. Ngakho-ke engeza isiteshi sesithathu: umphakathi.Khetha umsebenzi weqembu owodwa wamasonto onke ophindaphindayo. Isibonelo: 

• Ikilasi lolimi
• Iklabhu yezemidlalo
• Ukuzithandela
• Ukufaneleka kweqembu
• Noma a umdlalo we Bhodi ubusuku

Vela okungenani izikhathi eziyisishiyagalombili ngaphambi kokuba uhlulele. Ukuvakasha kokuqala okubili akuvamile ukuzwakala kungokwemvelo. 

Khetha izilungiselelo ezakha amaphuzu okukhuluma akhelwe ngaphakathi. 

• Ikilasi likunikeza imisebenzi eyabiwe
• Ukuzithandela kukunikeza injongo efanayo
• Ukuqina komzimba kweqembu kukunikeza umzamo ohlanganyelwe
• Ngisho nekhefi evamile lapho uba ubuso obujwayelekile khona kungakwenza okuningi kunokuswayipha ngokweqile, ngoba ukujwayelana kunciphisa ukucindezeleka ngokuhamba kwesikhathi 

Bese, yenza ibhuloho ngendlela efanele. Iningi labantu lihlala libambeke engxoxweni enenhlonipho, noma bagxuma ngokushesha kakhulu. Ibhuloho liyimisho eyodwa: “Ngikujabulele ukukhuluma. Ufuna ukuqhubeka nalokhu ngekhofi ngesinye isikhathi?” Uma wenqatshwa, kugcine kuhlanzekile. “Konke kuhle. Kuhle ukukhuluma nawe.” Isimiso sakho sezinzwa sifunda ukuthi ungasinda ngaphandle kokwesaba. Yileyo ndlela yokunqoba ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa ngokuzijwayeza.

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3. Thuthukisa ukubukeka kanye nobuntu

Esikhundleni sokuzibona uyisisulu bese ubiza abesifazane ngokuthi “abajulile”, gxila ekuthuthukiseni ukubukeka kwakho. Ngokuvamile akuphathelene nokubukeka ngokwako noma intengo yengubo yakho kodwa mayelana nomzamo owenzayo ukuze ubukeke kahle kothile. Ngakho nansi indlela oqala ngayo:

• Lungisa inhlanzeko. Lokho kuhlanganisa umoya ophefumulayo, izingubo ezihlanzekile, kanye nokuzilungisa okuyisisekelo
• Gqoka izingubo ezifanelana futhi ezibukeka zihlosiwe.
• Yakha isimiso esisekela imizwa yakho: ukulala, ukunyakaza, ukudla, kanye nesikhathi sokuxhumana nabantu. Isimiso esizinzile sinciphisa ukungazinzi ngokomzwelo lokho kukwenza uswele 

Funda ukuxhumana okuyisisekelo kanye nokudlala ngothando 

• Buza imibuzo evulekile emema indaba. Bese wabelana ngento yangempela ngawe

• Zijwayeze izimpawu zothando ezincane ezibonisa inhlonipho: ukuncoma okuqondile, ukugcona ngokudlala, isimemo esincane. Uma impendulo yakhe ingacacile, uyayeka. Lokhu kunciphisa ukufunda kabi futhi kuvimbele ukuziphatha okwesabekayo

4. Thatha izingozi ezincane njalo

Yilapho iningi lamadoda lihluleka khona, ngisho namadoda abukeka kahle ephepheni. Abalokothi baguqule isithakazelo sibe usuku lwangempela. Okudingeka ukwenze:

• Buza kusenesikhathi
• Uma unengxoxo enhle, phakamisa umhlangano olula: ikhofi, ukuhamba, umcimbi ongahleliwe
• Phatha ukwenqatshwa njengolwazi, hhayi ukuhlazeka. Ukunqatshwa akuchazi ukubaluleka kwakho, kukhombisa nje ukungalingani 

Akudingeki ukhulume nabantu ongabazi ukuze uzijwayeze ukuba nesibindi. Ungazijwayeza ezindaweni ezifudumele njengalapho udlala nabo ofunda nabo, abangane babangani, noma imicimbi yomphakathi. Uma udinga iskripthi esilula, sebenzisa lokhu:

"Ngiyakuthanda ukukhuluma nawe. Ufuna ukuyophuza ikhofi kuleli sonto?"

Uma ethi cha, wena uthi:

"Ungakhathazeki. Kuhle ukukhuluma nawe."

Yileyo ndlela ozivikela ngayo inhlonipho yakho ngenkathi uhlala uqondile.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Imicabango Final

Ukuthola ubudlelwano obunenjongo akudingi inhlanhla kodwa kudinga ulwazi, umzamo, kanye nokungaguquguquki. Esikhundleni sokugxila kuphela emphumeleni, gxilisa ukunaka endleleni ozibonakalisa ngayo—ukuxhumana kwakho, ukuvuleleka, kanye nokuzimisela ukuthatha izingozi ezincane. Ukukhula ekuqomisaneni kuvela ekusebenzelaneni okuphindaphindiwe kwangempela, hhayi ukucabanga ngokweqile. Uma usebenza kuwe ngenkathi uhlala usebenza emphakathini futhi unenhloso, amathuba ayanda ngokwemvelo, okwenza ukuxhumana kube lula kakhulu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.