He Hononga Kore-Tapanga: Ka Whai Hua te Hononga Kore-Tapanga?

Kāore ianei i te māmā ake te wā i mua i te putanga mai o te whakaaro mō te whanaungatanga kore-tapanga ki roto i ā tātou kupu? Ka tūtaki koe ki tētahi. Ki te mau koe i tōna ataahua, ka tīmata koe ki te whakaipoipo. Ā tōna wā, ka aroha koe, ā, ka haere tonu te whanaungatanga i tōna ara tūturu. Engari i tua atu i te pango me te mā o te ahurea whakaipoipo tuku iho, he whānui te rohe hina. Ā, koinei te wāhi ka tūtaki ai tātou ki ō tātou hoa whanaungatanga kore-tapanga.

Kaua e whakaaro ka noho noa iho nā te mea he 'kāore he tapanga' kei roto i te whanaungatanga. Tērā pea ka rite te kīanga 'kāore he herenga, kāore he herenga' ki te mea kua tae koe ki te maina koura o te whanaungatanga. Heoi, ka tino uaua te whanaungatanga kāore he tapanga nā te kore o te māramatanga. Ko te tumanako ki ngā painga o te hoa me te kore he herenga, kāore pea e pai ki te momo whakaipoipo a te katoa.

Ā, ko te mutunga iho he pātai kotahi – ka whai hua tonu ngā whanaungatanga kāore he tapanga? He aha te huarahi tika hei mahi? Ka kawea atu e mātou ngā whakautu katoa me ngā tirohanga mai i te kaiako whanaungatanga me te whanaungatanga whaimana o te ao. Shivanya Yogmayaa (kua whai tiwhikete ā-ao mō ngā momo rongoā o te EFT, NLP, CBT, REBT), he tohunga ki ngā momo momo tohutohu mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine.

He aha te whanaungatanga kore-tapanga?

Hei mārama ki te ariā o te whanaungatanga kore-tapanga, me mārama tuatahi koe ki te tikanga tuturu o te tapanga i roto i te whanaungatanga. Tukua ahau kia wetekina te pūrākau – te tapanga tō āhua Kāore e tika ana kia hoatu he tohu here ki a ia. Ka taea e koe te kī kei te whakaipoipo motuhake koe engari kāore i roto i te whanaungatanga. He momo kotahitanga raupapa tēnā, he tapanga anō. Kua whakarōpūhia whānuitia e mātou ngā tapanga whanaungatanga kia rua ngā momo: ngā tapanga e aro ana ki te here me ngā tapanga kāore e here. Me whakamārama atu ahau:

• Pato 1: Ko ngā tapanga e aro ana ki te whakapau kaha e pā ana ki te tautuhi i te whanaungatanga me te hoatu i tētahi taumata motuhake me te whakapau kaha. Hei tauira, ko Elena rāua ko Dan. I tino pai te haere o ngā mea mō rāua, engari kotahi te raruraru iti. Ka āta karo a Dan i te kōrero "kei hea te ahunga o tēnei whanaungatanga".

I muri i te haere tonu pēnei mō ngā marama e whā, me tū atu a Elena ki a ia, "E pai ana ahau ki a koe engari ko te noho pono i te wā kāore i te mana, kāore e pai mōku. Kāore e taea e au te hoatu ki a koe ngā painga o te hoa tāne me te kore he herenga. Ka noho rānei tāua i roto i tētahi hononga tūturu?"

Ngā tapanga whanaungatanga i raro i tēnei kāwai: Hoa wahine, hoa tāne, hoa rangatira, hoa taumau, hoa rangatira

• Pato 2: Ko ngā tapanga kore-pūmau e tohu ana i te tautuhi i tētahi whanaungatanga kia kore ai he pūmautanga e uru ana. Hei tauira, ko Lucy, i puta mai i tētahi whanaungatanga roa, i kite i te whakaaro ki te whakauru atu ki tētahi atu whanaungatanga pūmau. I tētahi rā, ka tūtaki ia ki a Ryan i te whare pukapuka. I kōrero rāua, ā, ka mōhio ia he rite tonu tā rāua e hiahia ana - he moepuku noa iho, kāore he here. Ā, i te mea i pai ki a rāua tēnei whakaritenga, ka whakatau rāua kia noho hei hoa moepuku tetahi ki tetahi.

Ngā tapanga whanaungatanga i raro i tēnei kāwai: He hoa whai hua, NSA, te marena kore-mono-whakaaetia, te marena maha-ira, te whakaipoipo noa, tetahi mea uaua rānei 

Ko tāku tumanako ka taea e koe te mārama mai i ēnei kōrero e rua, he taea hoki te tapa i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore i te herea. He whanaungatanga tuku iho ngā tapanga, ā, ka puta mai ngā hononga tangata tuwhera. Ināianei, ina hiahia tētahi, ngā hoa tokorua rānei ki te whakauru i ō rāua whanaungatanga ki roto i tētahi o ēnei tapanga whanaungatanga, ka kiia he whanaungatanga kāore he tapanga.

I a ia e tautuhi ana, Hiwanya he tirohanga hou tāna, "Ko ngā whanaungatanga kore-ingoa ko aua whanaungatanga tauhou kāore i te tino manakohia e te hapori nā runga i ētahi arai pērā i te rerekētanga nui o te tau, i te whanaungatanga rānei i waenganui i ngā māhanga, i ngā hoa wairua rānei, kāore e taea e rāua te kī nā te mea kua mārena kē rāua ki ētahi atu tāngata."

"Kāore e hiahiatia kia noho tonu hei whanaungatanga moepuku. He tino ahurei ake ēnei whanaungatanga, he manawanui ake, he kore here, he whakaae, he wairua hoki. Mena he aroha here, tera pea ka pāngia ngā hoa e te mamae me te whara. Mena he kore here te aroha, ka whai herekore, ka whai wāhi, ka whakaute hoki i te wā kotahi."

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He mea tika kia tapaina he whanaungatanga?

Kāo, ehara i te mea tino hiahiatia te whai tapanga i roto i te whanaungatanga. Engari he mea pai kia tautuhia te momo hononga e hiahia ana koe ki tēnei tangata mai i te tīmatanga. Inaa, rangahau e whakaatu ana ko ngā tapanga whanaungatanga ka pā ki te āhua o te whanaungatanga o ngā hoa. Ko te whanaungatanga e whai tapanga ana pēnei i te hononga tahi, te motuhake, te hoa tāne/wahine rānei, ka pā ki ngā whakaaturanga tūmatanui o te aroha me te whakapau kaha i ētahi wā.

Ahakoa rā, ki te taea e te tokorua te whakahaere i ō rāua āhuatanga me te kore he tapanga, he pai mō rāua. Heoi, mō te nuinga, kāore i te mōhio he aha te tikanga o rāua ki tā rāua hoa, mēnā he motuhake rātou te tūtaki rānei ki ētahi atu tāngata, te kite rānei mēnā he āpōpō kei mua i te aroaro o te whanaungatanga. Nō reira, ki te kore koe e pai ki te hoatu āwhina ki te hoa tāne/wahine me te kore herenga, me kōrero koe.

E kī ana a Shivanya, "I roto i te tikanga tuku iho, ka tapaina e tātou ngā whanaungatanga i raro i te pēhanga o ngā tikanga pāpori. Engari mō ēnei whanaungatanga rerekē, ka whiriwhiri pea ngā hoa kia kaua e tapaina. Mena he tika te whakaaro o te whakaipoipo anake engari ehara i te mea i roto i te whanaungatanga ki tētahi tokorua, ko wai rā tātou hei whakatau i tētahi tapanga i roto i te whanaungatanga mā rātou? Heoi anō, he mea whiriwhiri whaiaro tēnei i runga i te tūnga o ngā tokorua mō tā rātou hononga me te nui o te tuwhera o tā rātou kī."

Me pēhea te whakatau i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore he tapanga?

I whakakīia rawatia tō mahunga e mātou ki ngā ariā me ngā whakaaro? Kātahi ka tae ki te wā ki te neke atu i ngā ariā ki ētahi tohutohu whai kiko mō te whakahaere i tētahi whanaungatanga kore-ingoa. He hou koe ki tēnei ao o te whakaipoipo? "Ki taku whakaaro kei te whakaipoipo motuhake māua engari ehara i te mea kei roto i tētahi whanaungatanga. Ā, kāore au i te tino mōhio mō te pono ina kāore i te whaimana. Me waiho tonu aku kōwhiringa kia tuwhera?" – Koinei te mea e puta ana i roto i tō hinengaro?

Āe, tukua ō āwangawanga ki te hararei roa nā te mea kei a mātou te otinga tika mō tō āhuatanga. Mena kei te ruarua koe mō te tuku āwhina hoa wahine/hoa tāne me te kore herenga, me te hiahia rānei kia tino mōhio kōrua kei roto kōrua i te whārangi kotahi mō te noho i roto i te hononga kore here, anei ngā mahi e whitu hei whakatau i ngā whanaungatanga kore tapanga:

Te pānui e pā ana: 11 Ngā Akoranga i Akohia e te Tangata mai i ngā Hononga i Rahua

1.    Kei te whakaae koe ki te uru atu ki tētahi whanaungatanga kore tapanga?

Ahakoa he tapanga, he kore tapanga rānei, he mea nui te mōhio ki ngā hiahia o tō ngākau mō ngā whanaungatanga katoa. Pātai atu ki a koe anō, "Kei te tino uru koe ki tēnei?" Me ora koe i ngā āwangawanga kua roa nei koe e pupuri ana, ā, me noho i roto i te āhua tino pumau o te hinengaro kia uru atu ai ki tētahi tangata kāore he tapanga whanaungatanga. Kaua e whakamātau nā te mea he pai ki te ahua, he hiahia rānei tō hoa.

Ahakoa kei te tino whakapono koe kei te mahi koe i te mea pakeke mā te kore e uru ki tētahi hanganga whanaungatanga kua whakapumautia, ki te kore koinei te mea e tino hiahiatia ana e koe, tera pea ka hinga. He ngāwari ki taku hoa a Mila te whakawhirinaki tahi ki ana hoa aroha. I tana tīmatanga te whakatau i tetahi tangata pakeke, he aituā taua whanaungatanga kore tapanga nā te mea kāore i taea e ia te wawahi i tana tauira, ā, kāore hoki i utua paitia e te tāne.

2. Kia mau ki ō tumanakohanga me ō hae

Anei te huarahi hei whakatau i tētahi whanaungatanga kore-ingoa 101: kāore he wāhi mō ngā tumanako nui rawa atu, mō te mana pupuri rānei mō tō hoa. Kāore e taea e koe te tono āwhina hoa wahine/hoa tāne me te kore he herenga mai i te tangata e tūtaki noa ana koe kotahi, e rua rānei i te marama. Tērā pea kāore rātou e haere mai ki tō kāinga me te aihikirīmi nā te mea kei te pouri koe, kāore hoki e whakautu i ō waea katoa ahakoa te pukumahi o rātou.

Ā, me whakaae koe ki tēnā, nā te mea koinei te mea kua hainatia e koe. E ai ki a Shivanya, "Ko ētahi whanaungatanga kāore i te tapaina he kawenga me ngā āwangawanga anō, tae atu ki te kore e tutuki te hiahia me te hae. Me whakaae koe ki te meka mēnā kua whiriwhiria e koe kia noho i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga pēnei ahakoa ngā āhuatanga katoa, me whakaae koe ki tētahi atu taha."

"Me kōrero pea koe ki tō hoa i ētahi wā, me te kore e nui rawa te urupare mōna. Tērā pea ka puta mai ngā āwangawanga me te hae i ngā mea e meinga ana koe e te tangata kē. He nui te whakamanawa me te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero hauora? Kāore rānei koe e kitea, e rangona, e warewarehia ana? Kātahi ka puta he ngā āwangawanga whanaungatanga. 

"Hei ārai i tēnei, me whakaae ki te ao tūturu. Engari ko ētahi o ngā whanaungatanga kore-tānga he tino parakore, kāore rawa he hae. E mōhio ana rātou he tino ataahua tō rātou aroha, ā, ahakoa te whanaungatanga karma, kāore he awe o tetahi mea. Kāore he wehi, he hiahia rānei ki te pupuri, ki te tapa, ki te kī rānei i taua mea."

3. Ngāna ki te ātete i te here kare ā-roto e whakapau kaha ana 

Whakapono mai, kāore mātou i konei hei tango i ō tupono ki te aroha me te harikoa. Kei te tiaki noa mātou i a koe. Ka raru pea te whanaungatanga kore-tohu ina tīmata tetahi tangata ki te whakawhanake i ngā kare ā-roto, engari kāore tetahi. Heoi anō, ehara mātou i a Mr. Spock, he makariri, he tawhiti. I a koe e mau ana i roto i te 'he hoa aroha taha kotahi' i te wā o te raruraru, ā, ka whakaatuhia e tō hoa ā rāua mahi aroha ki mua i a koe, he wāhi tino mamae tēnei hei nohoanga.

E whakaae ana a Shivanya ki tā mātou kōrero mō tēnei, "Ae, ka nui te mamae me te pakanga tonu i roto, i waho hoki. Ahakoa e pai ana tetahi ki te āhua o tā rāua whanaungatanga, engari ko tetahi e hiahia ana kia nui ake tōna aroaro, tōna wā, tōna aroha, me tōna wairua haumaru, tera pea ka huri hei whanaungatanga paitini, koretake hoki."

"Kātahi ka haere tonu te huringa o te raruraru kia tau rā anō te rangimārie ki tō rātou ao tūturu. Tērā pea ka arahi atu ki te pouri o te tangata. I taua wā, me whai rongoā rātou, me tirotiro hoki i te ao tūturu." Mena koinei te mea e pā ana ki a koe i tēnei wā, e rapu ana hoki i te āwhina, me rapu āwhina ngā kaiwhakatakoto whakaaro mātau, mātau hoki. Te rōpū tohunga o Bonobology kei konei mo koe.

4. He mea nui ngā rohe i roto i te whanaungatanga kore-tapanga

I roto i tētahi whanaungatanga kore-ingoa, me ako koe ki te wehewehe i tō oranga whaiaro me te wāhi o tō hoa i roto i tō kaupapa. Kia maumahara, ehara tēnei whanaungatanga i te mea e whakaatu ana i tō oranga katoa, engari he wāhanga iti noa iho. Nō reira, me hoatu te hiranga e tika ana mōna. Ā, ko te whakatakoto i ngā rohe mārama te taahiraa tuatahi ki te whakahaere pai i tēnei whanaungatanga. Anei ētahi mea hei whakatika i mua i tō takahi atu:

• Kia pehea te roa o te wā e hiahia ana koe ki te wehe mo tetahi ki tetahi
• I te wāhi o wai koe e hiahia ana ki te tūtaki
• Āhea koe e wātea ai mō ngā waea mai?
• Me pēhea te whakamōhio atu tetahi i tetahi ki ētahi atu tāngata?
• Kei hea koe e tū ana mō te whanaungatanga ā-tinana?
• He aha ngā mea hei ārai i te whakaaetanga māu?

Te pānui e pā ana: 10 Ngā Rohe Whakawhanaungatanga Hauora Me Whai 

E ai ki te Reddit kaiwhakamahi, he mara o ngā maina whenua ngā whanaungatanga kore-tapanga, "Ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero te mea nui ki tētahi whanaungatanga hauora. Ko te tikanga kei te mōhio koe kei te whārangi kotahi koe, ā, kei hea ngā rohe. Ki te kore e kōrerohia tētahi o ēnā mea, kāore koe e mōhio kei hea ngā maina whenua. He wahine pōraruraru ahau. He pai ki ahau te moe tahi a aku hoa me ētahi atu tāngata. Engari me mōhio ahau ki ngā ture kua whiriwhiria e mātou me taku tūnga."

E kī ana a Shivanya, "Me hohou te rongo ki te āhua o tēnei whanaungatanga, me te āhua o te kore. Me whakaae hoki ki te nui o ngā mea ka taea e kōrua te tumanako tetahi ki tetahi, me te nui hoki o ngā mea ka taea e kōrua te tumanako mai i a kōrua. Ka taea e ngā tumanako teka me ngā kupu whakaari te hanga raruraru mō kōrua ko te tangata kē. Nō reira, he pai ake te whakamōhio atu ki te tangata kē ki ngā mea ka taea e kōrua te mahi me te noho tahi me ia, ā, me whakatakoto te ara mō tētahi whanaungatanga hauora."

5. Kaua e whakaroa i ō tumanako mō tētahi heke mai tino pai

I roto i ngā tikanga tuku iho, ka whakamahere tātou i ō tātou heke mai me tētahi hoa e mōhio ana tātou he rite ngā hiahia ki a tātou. Ka tutuki i a rātou ngā whakaritenga katoa. ngā kawenga whanaungatanga, ka whakaae rātou ki a koe hei hoa aroha mā rāua i te aroaro o te marea, ā, he moemoeā tō kōrua mō te heke mai. Engari, ki te kore e tautuhia tō āhua o nāianei, me pēhea e taea ai e koe te tuku i a rāua ki te whai wāhi nui i roto i tō heke mai?

Kāore mātou e kōrero ana mō te marena anake i konei. Tērā pea he tono atu ki a rāua hei hoa mō tō marena i te Hakihea e tū mai nei, he whakamahere rānei kia neke tahi rāua i roto i ētahi tau. Me whai whakaaro kōrua kia tata rawa atu rā anō tā rāua mahere mahi ki tā kōrua. Ko te tuku, te tumanako rānei i aua painga mō te hoa tāne/wahine, me te kore herenga, ehara i te mea he wāhanga o te whanaungatanga kore-tohu.

6. Kia mau ki tō tūnga me tō tuakiri

Ka uru te tangata ki ngā whanaungatanga kore-ingoa i te tuatahi nā te mea ka kawea mai e rātou te oati mō te nui o te whanaungatanga waahi whaiaro me te herekoretanga. Kia tino whakaute tō hoa ki tēnā. Pērā i ngā whanaungatanga katoa, me waiho hoki tēnei hei hononga i waenganui i ngā hoa tokorua e ōrite ana. Whakapuakina ō āwangawanga, me kōrero whakahē hoki i ngā tikanga o tō whanaungatanga e whakamā ai koe.

Ki te kore koe e pai ki te noho pono i te wā kāore i te mana, kia mārama ō tikanga. I pā mai ahau ki tētahi āhuatanga ōrite i mua. I pai ahau ki te noho tahi me tēnei tangata, ā, he maha ā māua haerenga ki te kāinga me te kai reka me ngā kōrero whakaharikoa. Engari i taua wā, i mataku ahau i te whakaaro ka moe tāne māua. Nā te mea kāore ia i pai ki te kupu whakataki, ka mutu māua i te mutunga, engari i runga i te pai o te whanaungatanga.

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7.  Kia mōhio koe ki te wā e wehe atu ai i tētahi whanaungatanga kore-tapanga

Ka tae tātou ki tā tātou mahi whakamutunga, me hopu e koe te tohu mō te putanga. Tērā pea, i tō urunga ki tēnei whakaritenga, i tino whakarihariha koe ki ngā tapanga whanaungatanga noa. I muri i te noho i roto i te whanaungatanga kore tapanga mō ngā marama e ono, kua mārama koe kei te hiahia koe ki te 'atu' - he nui ake te pumau, he nui ake te aroha, nui ake te whakapau kaha, katoa.

Kei te tū koe i te hononga o ngā ara e rua kei mua i a koe e anga atu ana ki ngā huarahi rerekē. Kei roto tonu i tō ringa te urungi, ā, māu e whakatau ko tēhea ara e whiriwhiria e koe. Kei te hiahia koe ki te tono i tētahi rā aroha tika ki tō hoa, me te tirotiro mēnā kei te hiahia anō hoki rātou ki te kawe i ngā mea ki tētahi taumata e whai ake nei? Kei te hiahia rānei koe ki te whakapau kaha me te tumanako ki tētahi mea pai ake i tō heke mai? Nāu te whiriwhiri.

Nō reira, me tumanako tātou kua āwhina tēnei tuhinga i a koe ki te whakatere i tētahi whanaungatanga kore-tohu, pērā i te tohunga? E mōhio ana koe ki ngā mahi me ngā painga me ngā huakore o te kore-tohu i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga. Ko te tumanako, mai i tēnei wā, ka mahi koe i te mea pai mōu anake. Hei whakamutunga, he mea nui kia harikoa koe, kia rongo i te aroha me te whakaute i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga, ā, kia kaua e ngaro tō hinengaro i roto i te tukanga. Ki te mea ka tukuna tēnei e tētahi whanaungatanga kore-tohu, haere tonu. Whatiia te waewae!

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Kāore tō koha e kiia he kaupapa aroha takohaMā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata katoa o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.

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