I roto i te kiriata whakahihiri o te tau 2014 Gone Girl, ka pakaru te marena tino pai i muri i te ngaronga o te wahine, ā, ko te tāne te tangata whakapae matua mō tōna ngaronga. I te wetewete o ngā āhuatanga, ka kite ngā kaimātakitaki i te āhua o te mahi tinihanga i roto i ngā whanaungatanga - he āhuatanga nui ka taea te hanga, te pakaru rānei i tētahi hononga aroha.
He maha ngā āhua o ngā whanonga tinihanga – ko ētahi he tino huna, ā, tera pea ka miharo koe mēnā ka karangahia rātou e tetahi. Inaa, ko tētahi o ngā tohu o ngā tino tinihanga ko te kore e kitea e koe kei te haere mai rātou. Nō reira, me pēhea tātou e mōhio ai ki ngā rautaki tinihanga i roto i ngā whanaungatanga? Hei whiwhi whakautu, i whakapā atu mātou ki tētahi tohunga hinengaro Kavita Panyam (He Tohu Paerua i roto i te Hinengaro, he hononga ā-ao ki te American Psychological Association), kua neke atu i te rua tekau tau e āwhina ana i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine ki te whakatau i ō rātou raruraru whanaungatanga.
He aha te whanonga whakahaere i roto i te whanaungatanga?
Ripanga o Ihirangi
E ai ki kairangahau, e ngana ana tātou katoa ki te awe i ngā putanga, i ngā whanonga rānei, ahakoa i te mōhio, i te kore mōhio rānei, i roto i ō tātou oranga o ia rā. Heoi, ko te whakahaere kino kua hangaia hei waihanga i te kore taurite o te mana kia taea ai e te hoa aroha te tango i te mana whakahaere me te whiwhi i ta ratou e hiahia ana i nga wa katoa, ahakoa te utu.
"Ko te riri, te whanonga ohorere, me te whakamātau i ngā mea kino, ko ētahi o ngā tikanga tinihanga i roto i ngā whanaungatanga," te kī a Kavita. Ko ētahi atu momo rautaki tinihanga noa i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ko:
- Aroha poma
- Kare a-roto
- Nga keemu hinengaro
- Te whakapōrearea hinengaro
- Ko te whanonga haruru-ahuru
- Ngā tūmomo whakawehi huna, ngā tūmomo whakawehi mārama rānei (pēnei i te wā e whakawehi ana te hoa ki te whara i a ia anō, ki te whara rānei i a koe, i te hunga rānei e karapoti ana i a koe)
- Tukino korero
- Tukino tinana
Kāore e mutu te whai a ngā kaipahua i te mana whakahaere, ā, ka whakamahia koe hei whawhai ki a koe anō mēnā ka taea e rātou te here i a koe pērā i te pēpi, me te mea kia kanikani koe ki tā rātou waiata. Mēnā ka taea e koe te tū atu ki a rātou mō tēnei mea, ka hurihia e rātou te tūponotanga ki a koe. "Ka whakaekea e rātou te koretake me te whakaaro nui ki a ia anō o te patunga. Ka tupu tēnei i te taumata ka tīmata te patunga ki te whakapono he hē tetahi mea kei a rātou," te tāpiri a Kavita.
Te pānui e pā ana: Ngā Kēmu Hinengaro i roto i ngā Hononga — Te Āhua me te Take e Mahi Ai te Tangata
He aha te take e raweke ai te tangata?
He maha ngā take e pā ana ki te whakahaere a te tangata i ō rātou hoa. Tērā pea e hiahia ana rātou ki te tiaki i ō rātou whakapehapeha, me te karo i te tango i te kawenga mō ā rātou mahi. Tērā pea he uaua ki a rātou te whakapuaki tika me te pono i ō rātou hiahia. Tērā pea he... kāhua āpiti kore haumaru kei te pāngia rānei e ngā āhuatanga hauora hinengaro pēnei i te mate hinengaro whakapehapeha. Tērā pea nō tētahi whānau pōrearea rātou, ā, i whakamahia, i tūtaki rānei ki ngā mahi tinihanga.
11 Ngā Tohu Ngāwari o te Whakamahi Kino i roto i ngā Hononga
Ahakoa ka taea te mahi tinihanga i roto i ngā taunekeneke katoa a te tangata, ka kitea pinepinetia i roto i ngā whanaungatanga tino piripono, pērā i ngā whanaungatanga aroha, whānau rānei. Ka taea e koe te whakaaro me pēhea te kitea o tēnei i roto i ngā whanaungatanga aroha, tika? Tērā pea ka whakamahia e tō hoa ngā rautaki tinihanga me te tino mohio, ā, kāore pea koe e mōhio i te tīmatanga. Ā, i te mea ka ngohengohe koe ki tā rātou e pai ai, ka āhua tino pai te whanaungatanga.
Nā, me pēhea te mōhio mēnā kei roto i tō whanaungatanga he here whakahaere? Anei ngā tohu tinihanga 11 noa engari he ngawari:
1. Kei te pēhia tonutia koe kia mahi i ā rātou tono
"He huarahi 'māku, māku rānei' tā te hunga tinihanga ki te ao me ngā whanaungatanga. E mōhio ana rātou ki te whakatutuki i ngā mea i te taha pūtea, i te taha kare ā-roto, i te taha wairua rānei," te kī a Kavita. Arā, he hunga whakatoi rātou, ka whakamahi i ngā huarahi katoa hei painga mō rātou anō, hei akiaki rānei i ētahi atu ki te mahi i tā rātou e hiahia ana, ahakoa te koretake. E ai ki tētahi ako, kāore rātou e mangere ki te whakamahi ngā haerenga hara ki te whakaeke me te mea kia huri koe ahakoa te mea tino iti ngā whanonga, ngā tikanga rānei.
He maha ngā wā ka whakamahia e ngā kaipahua ngā kōrero huna hei akiaki i te ringa o tā rātou hoa. Engari i te kī noa, "Me i waea mai koe i ngā wā katoa ina haere koe," ka tāpiri atu pea rātou:
- Ka meatia tēnei e koe mēnā i tino aroha koe ki ahau
- He aha rawa ahau me pātai atu ai? Kāore koe e kite i te nui o taku manukanuka mōu?
- Kāore e taea e koe te mahi i tēnei mea nui māku?
Ki te whakaaro tonu koe kāore e taea te whakahē i ngā tono a tō hoa, kia mōhio koe he tohu kino tēnā.
2. Mā rātou ngā whakataunga katoa o te whanaungatanga e whakatau
Ko te arotahi a ngā kaikōrero tinihanga ko te whakatutuki i ō rātou ake hiahia, ā, ka whakamahia e rātou ngā mahi tinihanga katoa o te pukapuka hei whakatutuki i tēnā. Ko tētahi huarahi e taea ai e rātou tēnei ko te tango i tāu whiringa, ahakoa he iti, he nui rānei ngā whakataunga, me te tapahi i ō pūnaha tautoko, ahakoa he kare ā-roto, he pūtea rānei. Inaa, koinei tētahi o ngā momo whanonga tinihanga noa i roto i ngā whanaungatanga.
Mai i tāu e kai ai mō te parakuihi ki tāu e tono ai mō te tango kai, ki hea koe e haere ai i te hararei me te tangata e noho tahi ana koe – ki te mea ko tā tō hoa rangatira āu e whakatau ana, tera pea he tohu kino. Kāore hoki ngā hoa rangatira e huna i te mana whakahaere pūtea i roto i ngā whanaungatanga, pēnei i:
- Te whakahaere i ngā whakataunga pūtea me ngā rauemi katoa
- Te whakawhāiti, te aroturuki rānei i tō urunga atu ki ngā pūtea
- Te whakatau i te huarahi e whakapau ai koe i tō moni
Ki te kite koe kei te tupu tēnei āhuatanga, kua tae ki te wā ki te whakaaroaro. Ko te whanaungatanga hauora ko te whakatau tahi a ngā hoa e rua, kaua mō tetahi ki tetahi.
Te pānui e pā ana: 11 Ngā Tohu e Whakamahi ana tō Tāne i a Koe i te taha Pūtea
3. Ka uru rātou ki ngā whanonga kino hurihuri
E ai ki a Kavita, he maha ngā wā he tauira mārama kei roto i ngā whanonga maha e whakaatuhia ana e te hunga tinihanga. Inaa, ka whakamahia tonutia e rātou ngā rautaki kotahi hei whakaiti i te mana o tētahi atu tangata, hei awe hoki i te āhua o ō rātou whakaaro, o ō rātou kare ā-roto, o ā rātou whanonga rānei.
Hei tauira, i te wā e whawhai ana koe, ka motuhia pea tō hononga ā-hinengaro, kātahi ka wehe atu i te taha tinana. Tērā pea ka riri rātou, ka pōuri rānei kia tukua rā anō koe. Mā tēnei, ka tukuna mārire atu e rātou te kawenga o te hara ki a koe. Kia whakapāha koe, tērā pea ka hoki anō ngā mea ki te huarahi tika – engari ka hoki anō te huringa ina puta ake te tautohetohe, te whakahē rānei e whai ake nei.
Hei te mutunga, ka tīmata pea koe ki te hikoi i runga i ngā anga hua manu i tō rātou taha, ka tīmata rānei koe ki te karo i ētahi kaupapa ina noho tahi koe me rātou. Hei karo i te taupatupatu, ka taea e koe te ngana ki te whakaaroaro i tā rātou urupare mā te pātai tonu ki a koe anō:
- He aha rā tā rātou e whakaaro ai, e mahi ai rānei mēnā ka… ahau?
- Ka pai rānei tēnei ki a rātou?
4. Ka huna e rātou te taatai, te aroha rānei
Ko tētahi o ngā tauira tino rongonui o ngā tikanga whakahaere i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ko te pupuri i te moepuku, te aroha rānei hei whiu, hei whakawehi rānei. He maha ngā wā ka whawhai ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, ka houhia te rongo i muri mai i te moenga. Heoi, ka whakakahoretia e ngā kaiwhakatikatika te moepuku, ka whakakorea rānei ngā whakaaturanga aroha – ā, kāore rātou e marino kia tukuna rā anō e koe ā rātou tono. Ahakoa ka pena rātou, ka meinga e rātou kia rite ki te atawhai. He rautaki pukuriri-kore tēnei e whakamahia ana hei akiaki i te putanga, ā, i te mutunga ka puta te riri i roto i te whanaungatanga.
5. Ka whakapae rātou i a koe mō ngā mea hē
Kāore e maha ngā kaiwhakatikatika e whakaae ki te kawenga mō tetahi mea raruraru hononga tērā pea i pērā koe. Engari, ka whakapae rātou i a koe mō ngā hapa katoa o te whanaungatanga me tō rātou ao.
- Tērā pea ka whakararuraru rātou i ō āwangawanga me ō wheako ("Kei te whakaaro noa koe i ētahi mea" "Kāore au i kōrero i tēnā" "Kei te tino mārama rawa koe ki ngā mea") kia tīmata rā anō koe ki te pātai i tō ake ao tūturu, i tō hauora hinengaro rānei.
- Tērā pea ka whakauru atu rātou i ētahi atu tāngata ki tā rātou mahi hei whakatō i te whakahāwea me te whakapoauau i roto i tō hinengaro.
Ki tā rātou titiro, ko ngā mea katoa e hē ana, ko koe tonu te he. E kore rātou e piko ki tētahi whakaaro, e kī ana hoki he kuware rātou ahakoa he taunakitanga kei te whakahē.
Te pānui e pā ana: 25 Ngā Kīanga Whakamārama Hau i roto i ngā Hononga e Whakamate ana i te Aroha
6. Ka pahuatia e rātou ō kare ā-roto
He maha ngā wā ka pāngia te ngākau e te tukino i roto i te whanaungatanga ki tētahi kaipahua. Ko tētahi o ngā tauira rongonui o tēnei ko te wahangu, arā, ko te whakarongo puku:
- Ka whakaatu tō hoa i te 'kanohi kōhatu' i muri i te whawhai, i te whakahē rānei
- Ka whakautu rātou i roto i ngā kupu kotahi ki ō ngana ki te kōrero
- E mea ana rātou "Kei te pai ahau" ahakoa he rerekē te āhua o ā rātou whanonga
"Te pōuri, te noho puku, te ārai i te kōrero – he huarahi katoa ēnei hei whakahaere i a koe i roto i ō kare ā-roto," te kī a Kavita. He pūkenga anō hoki ngā kaiwhakahaere ki te whakamahi i ngā kōrero whakaari hei tākaro i ō kare ā-roto:
- Engari oKa taea e koe te tiki i ahau i muri i te mahi?
- Tērā pea rātou e kīTikina ahau i muri i te mahi. Kaua hoki e kī kāore e taea e koe mēnā he pono tō aroha ki ahau.
- Ā, ki te mutu tō omaI mōhio ahau ka tupu tēnei. Ko ahau tonu te whakamutunga i runga i tō rārangi.
Te whakahaere kare ā-roto i tētahi i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga He rite tonu te kino o te tukino tinana i a rātou. Ki te roa te wā, ka taea e ia te whakangaro i tō whakapono ki a koe anō, te whakawhanake rānei i tētahi whakaaro kino ki a koe anō – he mea kāore e tika kia pā ki tētahi i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga.
7. Ka tapahia e rātou ō parirau i roto i te kākahu o te āwangawanga
He maha ngā wā ka whakahaeretia e te tangata ētahi atu nā te mea he tino pōuri rātou. Koinei te pūtake o tō rātou hiahia nui ki te whakahaere i ngā mea katoa me te hunga katoa e karapoti ana i a rātou. Ka whakaarohia e rātou tetahi tipu, tetahi wero rānei i tō mana motuhake, i tō mana motuhake rānei, hei tūmomo mōrearea ki tēnei mana whakahaere.
"Kāore rātou e hiahia kia kite i a koe e anga whakamua ana i te ao," te kī a Kavita. Ahakoa e tūpato ana rātou kia kaua e kitea e koe tēnā. Ahakoa he mahi, he hokinga ki te mahi, he mahi whakangahau, he whakamātau noa rānei i tētahi mea hou, ka whakararuraru ngā kaipahua i a koe, ka meinga rānei koe kia pātai i ō whakatau mā te tuku 'tohutohu', mā te whakaahua rānei i ngā āhuatanga kino rawa atu. Katoa i runga i te ingoa o te 'āwangawanga' mōu.
8. He 'pai' rātou ina he kaupapa tā rātou
Kāore ngā kaipahua e haereere ana me te whakaputa i te kino i roto i te kākahu whero me ngā haona koi. He maha ngā wā he tohu ataahua rātou, ā, tera pea ka kitea he tino pono rawa. Tērā pea ka kī koe he pai rawa atu rātou kia pono. I te tīmatanga, ko ā rātou te poma aroha tērā pea ka meinga koe kia whakaaro he mea nui koe ki a rātou. Engari – tata tonu – ehara tēnā i te mea pono.
E ai ki tā Nietzsche: "Kāore he mata ataahua ki te kore he hohonutanga whakamataku." Kāore rawa te whanonga a te tangata tinihanga e rite ki ā rātou kupu. Ā, he kaupapa huna tonu kei muri i ā rātou mahi katoa. He maha o ā rātou whanonga 'pai' kua hangaia hei:
- Me tino uaua ki a koe te kī kāo ki ā rātou tono
- Whakapūpūhia ō rohe
Ina hoki, e whakawhirinaki ana rātou ki te whakapoto i tō kaha ki te whakatū rohe mārama kia taea ai e rātou te whakahaere i ō whakatau me tō oranga. Kei te whakaaro koe kei te hē tetahi mea? He whakaaro tonu rānei kei te mahi tonu koe i ngā mea kāore koe e tino hiahia? Kua pōhēhē koe, kei te hara rānei i a rātou, ā, kāore e taea te mārama he aha? Kātahi ka tae ki te wā ki te whakawhirinaki ki ō kare ā-roto me te arotake i tō whanaungatanga.
Te pānui e pā ana: 10 Ngā Rohe Whakawhanaungatanga Hauora Me Whai
9. Ka takaro rātou i te kāri aroha hei karo i te kawenga
He aroha tō ngā kaipahua ki a koe? Kāore rawa. Engari ka kōrero tonu rātou ki a koe, ka whakamahara tonu ki a koe. Ina koa mēnā kei te pirangi rātou ki te karo i tētahi kōrero, ahakoa te hiranga ki a koe. Kaua e miharo mēnā ka whakautua tō tono mō tētahi whakamārama mō tētahi mea i mahia e rātou:
- Me pēhea koe e nanakia ai i ahau e aroha nui ana ki a koe?
- E whakaatu ana tēnei kāore koe e aro nui ana ki ōku kare ā-roto
- Me i aroha pono koe ki ahau pērā i taku aroha ki a koe, kua mārama koe…
Ki te maha rawa ngā wā ka whiua koe e ēnei kupu ki a koe, kia mōhio koe kei te whakahaerehia ō kare ā-roto kia puta ai ō rātou whakaaro. Heoi anō, he tohunga ngā kaiwhakatikatika i te whakamahi i ō kare ā-roto, ā, e kore rātou e ngaro i te wā ki te tuku i te kawenga ki a koe ki te whakaatu i tō aroha ki a rātou i ngā wā katoa.
10. Ka noho marino rātou hei whakaiti i a koe
A, no te korero e pā ana ki ngā tohu o te hoa rangatira tinihanga he hoa wahine rānei, ko te whakaari mutunga kore, ko te kōrero whakapae, me ngā tauhohenga nui rawa atu, koinei ngā mea e puta ake ana ki te hinengaro. Heoi anō, ko tō hoa rangatira tinihanga he tangata marino, he mārire, he ātaahua hoki.
Tērā pea ēnei āhuatanga ka miharo koe – kia whakamahia rā anō e rātou tō rātou marino ki a koe kia āhua whakahihi rawa koe i roto i tētahi āhuatanga e tika ana kia riri koe. Engari, ka mutu, ka āhua kuware koe, he koretake, he tino tairongo, he nui rawa hoki ō kare ā-roto. Ā, ko te tangata e whakahaere ana i a koe ka puta ko ia te tangata pakeke e mōhio ana ki te whanonga pērā i te pakeke.
11. Ka meinga koe kia iti
Ko te whakataurite, te whakahē rānei i ngā wā katoa, e meinga ai koe kia whakaaro kāore koe i te pai, kia kore rānei koe e whai hua i mua i te aroaro o ētahi atu, i tō ake tirohanga rānei, he momo whakaeke puku. Ahakoa he 'katakata', he tawai, he aha atu rānei ngā whakataurite, ko te whāinga kia:
- Kia kino tō whakaaro mōu ake, kia ngaro rānei i a koe
- Kia whakaaro koe he pai rawa atu tō hoa mōu
- Kia tino kore koe e nui ake te roa i a rātou
He rautaki anō hoki tēnei hei whakatupu i te koretake o te whakaaro, hei pēhi i te hinengaro, hei whakama rānei i a koe kia mahi i tā rātou e hiahia ana. Ki te mea kei te noho hei kaupapa tēnei, kia mōhio koe he maha tonu ngā arai a ngā kaipahua hei peke atu māu. Ā, ka haere tonu rātou ahakoa te aha e mahia e koe.
Te pānui e pā ana: Me pēhea te whakatau i tētahi hoa e whakararuraru ana i a koe
Me pēhea te urupare ki te whanonga tinihanga
He nui te pānga o te whakahaere hinengaro, kare ā-roto, pūtea rānei i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ki te hunga e arohia ana. Ka pā kino pea ki tō hauora hinengaro, ka pakaru tō whakapono ki a koe anō, ka whakapōrearea i tō oranga ngākau, ā, ka iti ake tō whakaaro ki a koe anō, ka pouri rānei koe. Nō reira, he pai ake te tiaki i a koe anō.
Mena kei te pāngia koe e te tinihanga, anei ētahi whakaaro mō te urupare:
- Whakaaetia te mahi tinihanga mō tōna āhua: Kaua e whakaititia, kaua hoki e warewaretia. Mā te rapu whakamārama mō ngā whanonga kino, pērā i te whakaaro kāore rātou e hiahia ana ki te kino, kei te pāngia rānei rātou e tētahi wā uaua, ka āwhina noa iho rātou, ka tukua hoki rātou kia mawhiti.
- Whakaritehia nga rohe: Ā, whakamanahia aua whanonga. Whakatauhia ko ēhea whanonga ka whakaaetia e koe, ko ēhea hoki kāore e whakaaetia. Me whakamōhio atu ki tō hoa rangatira ō rohe. Me whakatakoto hoki he whiu mēnā ka takahia tonutia e rātou.
- Whakahaerehia te kōreroHe tohunga ngā kaiwhakatikatika ki te tahae i ngā kōrero mā te whakamahi i ō kare ā-roto hei ārai i a koe, hei whakararuraru i a koe mai i te take tūturu. Kia rite ki te kite i te whakatikatika kare ā-roto, kaua hoki e tukua kia mawhiti.
- Kia atawhai ki a koe anoKaua e huna te whakapae me te hara i roto i a koe. Kia maumahara, ko koe anake ka whakatau i ō whakaaro mōu anō.
- Tikina awhina: Mena kei te pouri koe, kei te noho pōuri rānei, ā, kāore e kitea he huarahi hei whakaoti i tēnei raruraru, ko te rōpū kaiwhakaora hinengaro whai raihana me te pūkenga o Bonobology he pawhiri atu
Tohutohu Matua
- Ko te mahi tinihanga he mea hanga hei waihanga i te kore taurite o te mana i roto i te whanaungatanga kia taea ai e te hoa kotahi te whiwhi i tā rātou e hiahia ana.
- He maha ngā rautaki a ngā kaipahua hei akiaki i tā rātou kaupapa, pērā i te pōma aroha, te whakawehi kare ā-roto, te riri puku, te whakama, me te whakamārama hau, tae noa ki te tukino.
- Ka whakatau te hoa tinihanga i ngā whakataunga katoa o te whanaungatanga, engari ka whakapae i a koe mō ngā hapa katoa, ka takaro hoki i te kāri aroha hei karo i te kawenga.
- Ka takaro rātou i ō kare ā-roto, ka pupuri i te moepuku, i te aroha rānei, ka whakaiti rānei i a koe kia pēhia ai koe ki te mahi i tā rātou e hiahia ai.
- Ahakoa te āhua ataahua o te āhua, kāore rātou e pai ki te kore he kaupapa mahi. Ā, ko tā rātou whāinga matua he tango i tō mana whakahaere me te tapahi i ō pūnaha tautoko kia taea ai e rātou te pupuri i a koe i raro i ō rātou ringaringa.
- Hei whakautu ki te tinihanga, me whakaae koe ki tēnā, me whakatakoto he rohe mārama, me te whakahaere i te kōrero. Ahakoa he aha tāu e mahi ai, kaua e whakauru ki roto i ngā kōrero a te kaipahua, ā, me rapu āwhina mēnā e tika ana.
Ehara i te mea pai te noho i roto i ngā whanaungatanga kino, kino rānei. Ā, he paitini, he kino hoki te whakahaere i te whanaungatanga. I ētahi wā, ka taea e ia te waiho hei tohu mō ngā momo tukino kino atu. Ki te whakaaro koe kei te takahia ngā rohe, kāore koe e whakautehia, e whakanuia ana hoki i roto i te whanaungatanga, ā, kei te pā kino ki a koe, kia mōhio koe koinei te tohu māu kia wehe atu. Heoi anō, e ai ki te kaituhi a Ken Poirot, ko te aroha pono e hangaia ana i runga i te hiahia noa me te whiriwhiri noa. Ehara i te mea he aho ngaro o te whakahaere me ngā tukutuku pungawerewere o te mana whakahaere.
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