Isigaba sehoneymoon sasiphelile kwaye ngokwenene. Ngelixa kwiminyaka emibini yokuqala yomtshato kaJenny noRichard, imilo yayincinci kwaye inqabile kwaye isini sokuthambisa senza ukuba inzondo iphele, bekungenjalo kule mihla. Ngoku, imilo yayiyimiba emikhulu.
Ngokomzekelo, uRichard wayefuna umntwana ngelixa uJenny wayevakalelwa kukuba akakakulungeli ukuphatha ukuphazamiseka komsebenzi okwangoku. Akuzange kuncede nto ukuhlala exelelwa liqabane lakhe ukuba iwotshi yakhe yebhayoloji iyatshotshozela! Loo nto yamenza wanomsindo ngakumbi. Bangafunda njani ukuyeka ukulwa kubudlelwane?
Ukujongana nalo mba sinezimvo ezivela kwiingcali ezimbini - Kashish Vyas, umcebisi kunye nengcali ye-EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), kunye Riddhi Doshi Patel, isazi ngengqondo yabantwana kunye nomseki-mlawuli weRhhyns Academy eMumbai.
Ukuxabana nokulwa yinxalenye yalo naluphi na ulwalamano lothando. Ukulwa ngamanye amaxesha kuyafuneka ukuze uveze iimvakalelo ezinamandla okanye izimvo kwiqabane lakho. Nangona kunjalo, ukuba imilo ixhaphake kakhulu kwaye iqhuma, inokubangela unxunguphalo olukhulu. Inokwenza kube nzima kwisibini ukuphinda siqhagamshelane kwinqanaba elisondeleyo. Isenokuba nempembelelo embi kwezinye iinkalo zobomi babo.
Ubutshaba obusisiseko kubudlelwane bunokubangela umoya onetyhefu ekhaya. Ukuba kukho abantwana, basenokungcungcuthekiswa kukubona imilo ethe rhoqo, eqatha phakathi kwabazali babo. Ukulwa rhoqo kubudlelwane nako kunokukhokelela ekwahlukaneni okanye kuqhawulo-mtshato. Ungayeka njani ukulwa neqabane lakho? Phambi kokuba sikuphonononge oku, makhe sijonge imiba izibini ezihlala zisilwa ngazo.
Yintoni Izibini Ezilwa Ngayo
Isiqulatho
2020 isifundo epapashwe kwijenali Personality and Individual Differences enesihloko esithi 'Iyantlukwano zomntu ngamnye kunye nokungavisisani kubudlelwane bothando' inika ukukhanya kulo mba. Uphononongo luphuhlise isikali esibizwa ngokuba ziZizathu zokungavumelani kwiSikali soBudlelwane boBudlelwane (RDRRS). Isikali siqulethe izinto ezingama-30 ezicwangciswe ngokweendidi ezintandathu:
Ingqalelo/uthando olunganelanga: Le yingxaki enkulu njengoko abantu abaninzi beluqonda uthando njengengqalelo kunye nezimbo zothando. Ngamanye amaxesha, kunokubakho a ingxaki yonxibelelwano okanye ukuzixakekisa kusenokuba ngunobangela. Ukuphepha iingxabano kubudlelwane, gxila kwiqabane lakho xa ethetha okanye esabelana ngeemvakalelo zakhe
Umona/ukungathembeki: Imilo inokuthi ivuswe ukuba unxibelelana ne-ex yakho, ukuba udla ngokuthelekisa iqabane lakho namanye amadoda/abafazi ngendlela engathandekiyo, okanye ukuba unomkhwa wokuncwasa. Yeka ukulwa nentombi yakho ngokuyenza izive ikhethekile kwaye ikhuselekile
Imisebenzi yasekhaya / uxanduva: Oku kunokuba ngumba oncangathi. Ukuba bobabini bangamachule asebenzayo, umntu owenza umsebenzi omninzi endlwini uya kuvakalelwa kukuba izinto azilunganga. Ziphephe iingxabano kulwalamano ngokulungiselela ucwangciso lwemisebenzi yawo onke amalungu entsapho, kuquka nabantwana
Ngesondo: Iminqweno yezesondo eyahlukileyo, ukunqongophala kokwabelana ngesondo kunye nokwabelana ngesondo okunganelisiyo zonke ziindawo ezinameva. Yekani ukulwa neqabane lakho kwaye nizame ukuthetha ngokukhululekileyo ngalo mbandela. Ukutyelela ingcali yomtshato okanye isazi ngesondo kunokunceda
Ulawulo/ulawulo: Xa ubudlelwane bungakhelwanga ngokulingana, elinye iqabane linokongamela elinye. Izigqibo ezinkulu nezincinci zinokuthathwa liqabane elilawulayo, nto leyo eyenza iqabane elizithobayo lizive liphoxekile. Enye indlela yokuyeka ukulwa nentombi yakho imnika ilizwi elilinganayo kuzo zonke izigqibo, nokuba zincinci kangakanani
Izicwangciso zexesha elizayo/imali: Nanku umba omkhulu kukuba ingaba iinjongo zomntu ngamnye ziyangqamana na neenjongo zesibini. Abantwana - nokuba banabantwana na kwaye nini, idla ngokuba ngumba oxambulisanayo. Ukuba sele unabantwana, iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokukhulisa abantwana zinokudala impixano. Amaqabane ahlala ngokwahlukeneyo ngenxa yezinyanzelo zobuchwephesha anyanzelekile ukuba ajongane noxinzelelo. Ungayeka ukulwa kwi ubudlelwane bomgama omde ngokuhlala ninxibelelana rhoqo nangokuvakalisa uthando noxabiso lwenu omnye komnye
Imali igqalwa zezinye iingcali njengoyena nobangela wongquzulwano lwezibini. Ngubani ozisa imali eninzi, ngubani othatha izigqibo ezinxulumene nemali, ngubani omele ahlawule into ethile, iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokuchitha - ezi ziyimiba apho ukulwa kwemali kubudlelwane kwenzeka.
Emva kweminyaka engama-40 yamava, umcebisi ngomtshato owaziwayo uGqr. John Gottman wafikelela kwisigqibo sokuba ama-69 ekhulwini eengxabano zomtshato azisonjululwa. Oko kuthetha ukuba izibini zidla ngokuba nomlo ofanayo ngokuphindaphindiweyo. Isenokuba phezu kwemali, ubuhlobo obusondeleyo okanye usapho. Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha, ukubona ugqirha okanye i-sexologist luncedo.
Ukulwa rhoqo kubudlelwane ngenxa yeemfuno ezingafezekanga
Ngelixa sineqela lezizathu zokuba kutheni izibini zilwa, kukho intambo enye eqhelekileyo kuzo zonke ezi zizathu. Ngokutsho kwe-2018 isifundo epapashwe kwiJournal of Family Therapy enesihloko esithi 'Kutheni izibini zisilwa? Umbono wonxunguphalo lwesidingo kungquzulwano lobudlelwane kunye nokungoneliseki', imilo inokuqhambuka njengoko amaqabane engakwazi ukwanelisa iimfuno zomnye.
Abantu baneemfuno ezintathu ngokwasengqondweni-imfuno yokuzimela, ubuchule kunye nokuzalana. Isidingo sokuzimela siyaphoxeka xa abantu beziva belawulwa liqabane labo. Ubuchule bomntu buyaphazamiseka xa iqabane lixhokonxa iimvakalelo zokungaphumeleli.
Nangona kunjalo, eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu 'kukuzalana kufuna ukuphoxeka' xa amaqabane ebanda, engavumelani kwaye ekude omnye komnye, ebangela ingxabano kunye nobulolo kubudlelwane. Olu hlobo lonxunguphalo lukhokelela rhoqo ekuqalisweni kongquzulwano kunye nokusetyenziswa kweendlela ezingakhiyo zonxibelelwano ngexesha longquzulwano, lutyhila uphononongo.
Indlela Yokuyeka Ukulwa kuBudlelwane - Iindlela ezi-7 eziSebenzayo
Siya kuphinda kwakhona: Ukulwa kwinqanaba elithile kunempilo kubudlelwane. Kodwa xa isiya kububi okanye ukuxhatshazwa, okanye ukuba ibangela ukungonwabi okukhulu kuwe, iqabane lakho kunye nosapho lwakho lonke, lixesha lokuyiphelisa. Oko akuthethi ukuba kufuneka uhlale uhlehla, ngamanye amaxesha ufuna nje utshintsho lwembono. Nazi iindlela ezisi-7 ezisebenzayo.
1. Thatha ikhefu
- Xa umlo ushushu kakhulu, kungcono ukuba uphume kwigumbi de izinto zizole. Ngale ndlela, awuyi kuthetha izinto ezibuhlungu oya kuzisola ngazo kamva
- Maxa wambi, isibini sisenokufuna ukuchitha ixesha kunye ukufumana imbono ecacileyo malunga nomba oxabanayo kunye nobudlelwane babo. Ndwendwela usapho osondele kulo kwaye uzive ukhululekile, kodwa kuphephe ukuxoxa ngeenkcukacha ezisondeleyo zobudlelwane bakho nomntu wesithathu, ngaphandle kokuba ngugqirha wakho.
- Ukuphuma endlwini nihambe kunye ukuze nixoxe ngalo mbandela nako kulicebo elihle
2. Yamkela xa ungalunganga
- Xa iqabane lakho likugxeka okanye likugxeka ngento ethile, kungokwemvelo ukuba uzikhusele. Nangona kunjalo, oku kuchasene. Kungcono ukucinga ngokuzolileyo, uthomalalise ikratshi lakho, kwaye wamkele xa wonile
- Kungcono ucele uxolo. Le yindlela entle yokumisa umjikelo we ukulwa kubudlelwane. Ukucela uxolo kufana nomculo ophulaphula iqabane elinomsindo. Nangona kunjalo, uxolo kufuneka lunyaniseke kwaye lube nesiqinisekiso. Musa ukucela uxolo kuba nje ufuna ukuzola xa uvakalelwa kukuba iqabane lakho alilunganga
- Kulula kakhulu ukugxeka iqabane lakho kunokuvuma ukuba awulunganga. Kodwa ngubani owathi ubudlelwane bothando bulula?
3. Musa ukuhlasela iqabane lakho
- Thetha ngalo mbandela unzima kunokuba uhlasele iqabane lakho. NgokukaGqr Gottman, enye yezinto eziqikelela uqhawulo-mtshato kuxa umntu esoloko ehlasela isimilo seqabane lakhe kunokuba abeke umba othile omcaphukisayo.
- Thetha ngeemvakalelo zakho usebenzisa 'I'. Kunokuba uthi: “Awunaxesha lam” unokuthi: “Ndiziva ndililolo xa singenaxesha laneleyo kunye”
- Ungaze ubaxe okanye wenze zonke izinto ezinje: "Ungumntu okrwada kakhulu"
- Ukuhlasela iqabane lakho ngokungakhathali ngokwaneleyo kunokwenzeka xa uhlala kwizixeko ezahlukeneyo ngenxa yokuqhawulwa konxibelelwano eniziva nobabini. Yeka ukulwa kubudlelwane bomgama omde ngokuphepha lo mgibe
4. Gcina umlo uphucukile
- Akukho kungxola, ukuthukana okanye ulwimi olubi - ukuziphatha okunjalo kunokwenza umonakalo omkhulu kubudlelwane
- Jonga ithoni yakho kunye impawu zomzimba. Kuphephe ukuphoxa, intetho erhabaxa kunye nezimbo zomzimba ezimbi
- Ubundlobongela ngokwasemzimbeni nguhayi-hayi ngokupheleleyo
- Musa ukugrogrisa ngokuphelisa ubudlelwane. Ungayithetha ngomsindo kodwa iya kuhlala engqondweni yeqabane lakho kwaye ibangele ukungakhuseleki kwiintsuku ezizayo
5. Cinga ngendlela eyakhayo
- Zikhumbuze ukuba kutheni ulithanda iqabane lakho. UMaria noHarry babenesi siko kumtshato wabo oneminyaka eli-12 ubudala, nto leyo eyabangela ukuba imilo yabo ingakhuli. Nanini na bexambulisana, babedla ngokubambana ngezandla. Olu nxibelelwano lothando lwabayekisa ukwenza okanye ukuthetha izinto ezibuhlungu kumlingani wabo. Kunzima ukuthi: “Usisidenge” xa nibambene ngezandla. Endaweni yoko, unokuthi: “Andivumelani nale nto uyithethayo”. Ukubamba izandla kubonisa ukuba nikunye kulo mzabalazo wokufumana ingxaki kwaye niyisombulule
- Yehlisa umoya ngoburharha. Yenza ubuso obuhlekisayo ukubonisa ukukhathazeka kwakho. Ukulwa rhoqo kubudlelwane kunokufumana ukuphumla ekuhlekeni kunye nokuzonwabisa
- Ezinye iintetho zinokuwupholisa umoya ngoko nangoko. Ngokomzekelo, 'mhlawumbi unyanisile' okanye 'Ndiyayiqonda le nto uyithethayo'
- Zama ukungaphumeleli iingxelo zakho ngo-'kodwa'. Ngokomzekelo, esithi: “Ndiyazi ukuba ubudiniwe izolo, kodwa nam bendidiniwe, kwaye awukhange undincede ekucotheni itafile”
- Mamela ngovelwano – zama ukujonga izinto ngokwembono yeqabane lakho. Le yenye yeendlela zokuyeka ukulwa imihla ngemihla kubudlelwane
UkuFunda okuFanayo: Amava ama-6 ezibini malunga nendlela uNyango lweNtetho oluncede ngayo kubudlelwane bawo
6. Hlala ngoku
- Sebenza okwangoku - ungavumeli ukuba buhlungu ubuntwana kunye neepateni zilawule indlela oziphethe ngayo ngoku. Kwakhona, musa ukumbambela iqabane lakho inzondo – xolela amazwi nezenzo zangaphambili ebezikucaphukisile
- Kodwa gcina ingxelo yeengxabano zakho uze ukhangele unobangela. Khumbula ukuphumelela ingxabano akubalulekanga, ukusombulula umcimbi
7. Nciphisa amanqanaba oxinzelelo
- Zama ukunciphisa amanqanaba oxinzelelo lwakho ngokuzilolonga, i-yoga, ukuphefumla okunzulu kunye / okanye ukucamngca
- Lala ngokwaneleyo njengoko ukungalali kunokubangela umonakalo emzimbeni, engqondweni nangokweemvakalelo
- Relax ngomculo owuthandayo okanye uziphathe ngokuphulula umzimba
- Funda ukonwaba kuwe - ngokuzenzekelayo uya kuba nemilo embalwa kunye neqabane lakho njengoko oku kuya kukwenza uthobe ulindelo.
Unokuyeka Njani Ukulwela Ngenxa Yabantwana Bakho
Kuba iingxwabangxwaba eziqhubekayo zabazali zinokubenzakalisa abantwana, siye sathetha nengcali ngengqondo yabantwana kunye nomseki-mlawuli weRhhyns Academy eMumbai, uRiddhi Doshi Patel. Iimantra zakhe ezine zendlela yokuyeka ukulwa kubudlelwane zezi:
- Misela imithetho yosapho esebenza kumntu wonke. Bandakanya abantwana ekumiseleni imithetho. Yahlule ngokufanelekileyo imisebenzi yasekhaya
- Xa uphakathi komlo, thabatha inyathelo lokuqala manga iqabane lakho. Kungabonakala kungenakwenzeka xa unomsindo neqabane lakho. Kodwa akunjalo. Kwaye, iyasebenza. Ukuwolana kuyawuthomalalisa umsindo kwaye kwenza omabini amaqabane akhululeke
- Nanini na nisilwa musani ukuyigqithisela kusuku olulandelayo. Zama ukulungisa ingxaki ngaphambi kokuba ulale
- Wonke umlo ngamava okufunda. Ukuba ungena kumlo omncinci amaxesha amaninzi, thetha ngayo ngaphambi kokuba uthathe umhlala-phantsi ngosuku. Omabini amaqabane angathatha ipeni nephepha kwaye abhale phantsi iimvakalelo zawo. Kwaye, ngendlela ababenokusingatha ngayo le meko ngcono
Ingcali Thatha
Siye sathetha noKashish Vyas, umcebisi kunye nengcali ye-EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Nanga amacebiso akhe ngendlela isibini esinokuyeka ukulwa:
Yima kancinci uve omnye komnye. Oku kukuqinisekisa ukuba awutsibeki kwizigqibo kwaye uzenzele elakho ibali. Kuya kufuneka uphulaphule ngenyameko nangovelwano kwiqabane lakho kwaye uzame ukuqonda imbono yakhe. Ukuba uqhubeka uqhubeka malunga nento eyenzekayo kuwe, umlo awunakuze usonjululwe
UkuFunda okuFanayo: Nantsi indlela onokuphucula ngayo ubudlelwane bakho ngokumamela ngcono
Nika omnye nomnye isithuba kunye nexesha. Ukuba isibini sixambulisana, kusenokuba kuhle ukuba elinye iqabane liwushiye loo mmandla kangangexesha elithile. Isenokungabi lixesha elifanelekileyo lokuxoxa ngalo mba. Ngoko ke, musa ukuzama ukuwujonga ngqo lo mbandela. Xa omnye wenu engekho kwimeko yokumamela omnye umntu akuncedi nganto ukuzama ukusombulula ingxabano
Sombulula imiba yobudlelwane nabazali. Kukho unxibelelwano phakathi kobudlelwane obunabo nomzali/abazali bakho kunye nento onayo neqabane lakho. Usenokuba udlala iipateni ezindala. Kwaye, ulindele ukuba iqabane lakho liqonde imiba yakho. Enyanisweni, kufuneka usebenze kwimibandela yakho kwaye uziphilise
Yihloniphe imida yeqabane lakho. Ngamanye amaxesha, siye sixakwe kubudlelwane kangangokuba silibale ukuba iqabane lethu linalo imida yobudlelwane. Iqabane ngalinye ngumntu ngokwakhe. Awunakungabahloneli. Elinye iqabane linokuba nolawulo okanye liphose ubunzima bakhe ngelixa elinye linokuba ngumtyholi. Lo ngumzekelo ongenampilo
Ukuphelisa imilo kunye nokusombulula iingxabano zihamba kunye. Zombini iinjongo zexesha elide. Ngokuphaphela nangokuqhelisela isibini sinokuthabathel’ indawo iingxabano ezishushu ngencoko eyakhayo. Kufuneka kukhankanywe apha ukuba ukuxabana kwabantu abatshatileyo akuthethi ukuba abonwabanga kubudlelwane. Ukuba nilwa ngokufanelekileyo yaye aniphathani ngokungafanelekanga, ukulwa kunokusombulula iingxaki ezinzulu kuze kulwenze luphile ulwalamano oluhle.
Nangona kunjalo, konke okushiwo kwaye kwenziwe, isibini kufuneka siyeke ukulwa ngalo lonke ixesha kubudlelwane. Okanye ke, bangonwabela njani omnye nomnye kunye nobudlelwane? Kwaye asiyiyo eyona nto sijonge phambili kuyo xa sithandana? Ukuba seluxolweni nathi, kunye nomnye.
Iingcebiso ezinengqondo zoSombululo lwengxabano kubudlelwane
Ukwenza uxolo kunye nexesha lakho elidlulileyo-Iingcebiso ezilumkileyo ezili-13
Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.
