Iimpawu ezi-4 zoBudlelwane obungalinganiyo kunye neengcebiso ezi-7 zeengcali zokukhuthaza ukulingana kubudlelwane

Ukusabalalisa uthando

Kukho incoko eninzi malunga nokulingana kumaxesha amva nje. Xa sithetha ngokulingana sidla ngokugxila kwimimandla efana nobuhlanga, udidi, kunye nesini. Kodwa kuthekani ukuba sijonge kufutshane nekhaya? Kuthekani ngokulingana kubudlelwane? Ngaba siqhelisela ubulungisa kubudlelwane bethu neqabane lethu esithandana nalo?

Ngaba kukho ukusetyenziswa kakubi kwegunya ekhaya? Ngaba omnye wenu ubonakalisa isimilo esilawulayo? Ingaba nobabini ninalo ithuba elilinganayo ekukhuleni kwenu? Le mibuzo ibalulekile ukuba ube nomfanekiso wokwenyani wamandla okutshintsha phakathi kwamaqabane. Ukungalingani kwamagunya okuncinci kaninzi akuhoywa kwaye kunokukhokelela kwiziganeko ezingathandekiyo zokuxhatshazwa kunye nobundlobongela.

A isifundo of 12 self-ukuchonga izibini ezitshatileyo egalitarian heterosexual waveza into ebizwa ngokuba "yintsomi yokulingana", besithi ngelixa izibini zazi kakuhle kakhulu indlela yokusebenzisa "ulwimi lokulingana" akukho nanye kubudlelwane obenze ukulingana. Ke, unokuqiniseka njani ukuba ubuhlobo bakho bulingana? Ziziphi iimpawu zobudlelwane obungalinganiyo kwaye yintoni umntu anokuyenza ukuze azigcine zingekho?

Siye sadibana nengcali yezengqondo Shivangi Anil (I-Master's in Clinical Psychology), egxile kwi-pre-umtshato, ukuhambelana, kunye neengcebiso zomda, ukusinceda siqonde ukulingana ngcono kwaye siqaphele iimpawu zokungalingani kwamandla. Mfundele kude kube sekupheleni iingcebiso zakhe zengcaphephe ezixabisekileyo zokukhuthaza ukulingana kubudlelwane bakho.

Yintoni kanye kanye Ubudlelwane obulinganayo?

Isiqulatho

Ukubuyisana kubudlelwane kuvakala kwahluke kakhulu kunobulungisa okanye ubudlelwane kwicala elinye apho umntu omnye etyala ixesha elininzi, umzamo, amandla, kunye nenkxaso yemali neemvakalelo kunomnye. Nantsi imizekelo embalwa yolingano kubudlelwane obunokukunceda ukuba uqaphele ukuba loluphi uhlobo lwebhalansi yamandla onayo ngoku neqabane lakho:

Ubudlelwane obulinganayo okanye obulungelelanisiweyo	Ubudlelwane obungalinganiyo okanye obucalanye
Uyalixabisa iqabane lakho kwaye uziva uxabisekile kulo. Ukuzithemba kwakho kuvakala kuphakamileyo	Uziva utshintshe kancinci. Uye wakha ingqumbo ngokuchasene neqabane lakho kangangokuba awukwazi ukunxibelelana
Uziva uvuzwa kwaye uxatyisiwe liqabane lakho	Uziva uthathwa njengento nje okanye uxhatshaziwe
Uziva ukhuselekile kwaye ukhuselekile kubudlelwane	Uziva ngathi kufuneka usoloko ungqina ukubaluleka kwakho okanye ubonakalise ukuba luncedo okanye awusayi kufunwa
Uziva ungathembela kubudlelwane kwaye uxhomekeke kwiqabane lakho	Uziva ngathi izinto azinakuze zenzeke ukuba awuzenzi
Uziva ukhathalelwe, uviwe, uboniwe. Awunoloyiko lokunxibelelana ngeemfuno zakho	Uziva ulahliwe, ungahoywanga okanye ungakhathalelwanga okanye iimfuno zakho aziqatshelwa ngokwaneleyo

Umahluko phakathi kobudlelwane obulinganayo nokungalinganiyo uyabonakala

Uninzi lwezifundo kunye novavanyo malunga nokulingana kubudlelwane zidla ngokuqaqambisa kuphela ukungalingani ngokwesini kunye nokuthatha icala kubudlelwane. Uqwalaselo lwethu kukuba ukulingana kubudlelwane bunamacala amaninzi. Ulungelelwaniso lwamandla kubudlelwane lunokuthi thaca kulo naliphi na icala elisekelwe kungekuphela kwisini kodwa ezinye izinto ezifana nobudala, imvelaphi, kunye nobuntu bomntu ngamnye wamaqabane ngokunjalo.

Makhe sijonge uRory, oneminyaka engama-38, noJulia, oneminyaka eyi-37, abasele beneminyaka eli-10 betshatile. Bobabini benza imali efanayo kwaye bevela kwimvelaphi yentlalo efanayo, kodwa uRory ugqiba ukwenza uninzi lomsebenzi weemvakalelo kubo bobabini. Akasebenzi nje iiyure ezinde kuphela kodwa ukwabelane ngomthwalo olinganayo wasekhaya kunye noxanduva lokunyamekela abantwana. Nangona ngokuqhelekileyo nguJulia onelizwi lokugqibela kwindawo yabo yeholide elandelayo, uRory ugqiba ukwenza amalungiselelo okuhamba, ukucwangcisa imihla, njl.

URory noJulia ababonisi ubuchule bokukhuthaza ubulungisa kunye nokulingana kubudlelwane babo. URory unika ngokucacileyo ngakumbi. Usenokuba uyenza ngentshiseko kodwa akuyi kuba yinto emangalisayo ukuba uziva etshisiwe kwaye ngokungalindelekanga abethe ngenye imini ngokukhathazeka okukhulu. "Kubudlelwane obulinganayo iimfuno kunye nomdla wabo bobabini amaqabane atyalwe ngokulinganayo kwaye ahoywe," utshilo uShivangi. Akunjalo ngoRory noJulia.

Iimpawu ezi-4 zobudlelwane bakho busekelwe kukungalingani

Isayikholoji yezentlalo ibeka le ngcamango yobulungisa njengeTheory ye-Equity. Kuthetha nje ukuba "unika" kubo bonke ubudlelwane kufuneka ilingane "nokuthatha". Ukuba elinye iqabane liphetha liziva lingenamvuzo, udano, umsindo, kunye nokuphoxeka kuyaqala ukungena. Eyona nto inika umdla, ukuziva uvuzwe ngokugqithisileyo asiyomvakalelo ephilileyo, edla ngokukhokelela ekubeni netyala kunye neentloni.

Ithuku, ke, kukubuyisela olo lungelelwaniso ngokusebenzisa a umzabalazo wamandla. Ngelishwa, uninzi lwethu alukulungelanga ukwenza oko kwaye ekugqibeleni luzenzakalisa thina okanye abanye. Siqhwaba izandla okanye sizame ukuqhawula ulwalamano. Ukunqanda ukonakalisa ubudlelwane bakho, kunokunceda ukuqonda iimpawu zobudlelwane obungalinganiyo kwaye uthathe inyathelo ekulinganiseni ibhalansi yetipping ngaphambi kokuba kube semva kwexesha.

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1. Omnye wenu unegunya elicalanye lokwenza izigqibo

UShivangi uthi: “Ukubona iimpawu zokungalingani, kufuneka sinikele ingqalelo apho amandla okwenza izigqibo alele khona,” utsho uShivangi, “Kwaye ngesigqibo, andithethi ngezigqibo zemali okanye “ezinkulu” zodwa.” Izigqibo ngendawo enihlala kuyo, into eniyityayo, nokuba ngubani eninxibelelana naye nobabini njengesibini. Cinga ngale mibuzo ilandelayo. Ngelixa iimpendulo zingenako ukwahlulwa ngokucocekileyo ngama-50-50, akufuneki ukuba zijikwe kakhulu kwicala elinye.

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2. Kukho unxibelelwano olufundisayo ukusuka kwelinye iqabane ukuya kwelinye

Ngelixa sivile imithwalo malunga ne ukubaluleka konxibelelwano kubudlelwane, kubalulekile ukuqaphela ubume bonxibelelwano. Shivangi uthi: “Omnye umqondiso obalulekileyo wokungalingani kuxa amajelo onxibelelwano ecala-nye.” Xa umntu eyala aze omnye elandele, iba ngumda okanye ingabikho indawo yokuba kuviwe iingcamango, iingcamango nokungavisisani kwelinye iqabane.

Ngaba nguwe okanye iqabane lakho elihlala linguye kuphela oxelela omnye umntu indlela oziva ngayo, into oyifunayo, kunye nento oyilindeleyo? Abantu abanovelwano bahlala beluma ngaphezu kokuba banokuhlafuna kanye ngenxa yesi sizathu. Baziva iimfuno zeqabane labo kwaye bazive benyanzelekile ukuba bathathe uxanduva ngakumbi ngaphandle kokuvakalisa iimfuno zabo.

3. Kukho ulungelelwaniso lweqela elinye kuphela

Ukulungisa ukungavisisani kudla ngokufuna ukulalanisa. Ngamanye amazwi, ukuhamba ngokukhetha komntu omnye kunomnye. Iholide yaselwandle okanye induli? Imoto yodidi okanye esetyenziswayo? Ukukhupha kwamaTshayina okanye ukutya okusebhokisini? Igumbi leendwendwe okanye igumbi lomdlalo? Zibuze, ngexesha leengxabano kunye nokwahluka kwezimvo, ukhetho lukabani okanye uluvo oluhlala ulwamkela?

UShivangi uthi, “Nangona ukulalanisa kubalulekile kwaye kumaxesha amaninzi yindlela ekufuneka ihanjwe, ayilunganga kwaye ayilingani ukuba iqabane elinye kuphela elihlala lihleli. ukuzincama kubudlelwane.” Ke, ukuba uziva unamandla malunga nemoto ye-utilitarian, kufanelekile ukuvumela iqabane lakho libe negumbi elongezelelweyo elijikwe kwigumbi abalifunayo.

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4. Iqabane elinye lisoloko linelizwi lokugqibela

Kubudlelwane obungalungelelananga, isoloko iliqabane elinye elinelizwi lokugqibela kwingxabano. Amaxesha amaninzi, ngokoqobo. Qaphela, ngexesha lengxoxo, emva kokubuyela emva naphambili phakathi kwakho kunye neqabane lakho, ohlala enegama lokugqibela kwaye ngubani onikezelayo kwaye abuyele phantsi.

UShivangi uthi, “Oku kuqhele ukwenzeka xa umntu ejonga iimpikiswano njengendlela yokuphumelela ngamaxesha onke. Iingxabano zinokuba sempilweni ukuba izibini zifumana indlela eyamkelekileyo ngokuphathelele inkxalabo ekhoyo.”

Olu tyekelo lukwanwenwela nakwiingxabano ezibonakala zingenamsebenzi njengezimvo ngefilimu oyibonileyo, indawo yokutyela oyindwendweleyo, okanye umntu odibene naye. Kodwa ukuba elinye iqabane lihlala linelizwi lokugqibela malunga nokuba yintoni enokuyenza ngamava, imvakalelo yokulahlwa iqokelela ngokuhamba kwexesha kwaye yenza elinye iqabane lizive lingaxabisekanga kwaye lingahlonelwa.

infographic kwiimpawu zokungalingani kubudlelwane — Zilumkele ezi mpawu zikuxelela ukuba unokuba kubudlelwane obungalungelelananga kwicala elinye

Iingcebiso ezi-7 zeeNgcali zokukhuthaza ukulingana kubudlelwane

Ngoko ke, makwenziwe ntoni ngaloo nto? Ukusondela koku ngobulumko sibuze ingcali yethu owona mbuzo ubalulekileyo kuqala - kutheni ukungalingani kuwonakalisa ubudlelwane? Uthe, “Ukungalingani kubambe amandla angalinganiyo apho umntu okwisikhundla esinamandla anokubeka iimfuno kunye neemfuno zakhe komnye umntu. amandla aguqukayo inokuvumela ukuxhatshazwa nogonyamelo.”

Ukuba le meko inzima kakhulu ukuba ungayicingela, ukubeka kancinci, wongeze wathi, "Ukunqongophala kokulingana kunokwenza elinye iqabane lizive lingahlonelwa nto leyo ekhokelela kwingqumbo enomsindo kwaye ekugqibeleni ikhokelele kwingxabano." Icacile. Gxininisa ekubeni nebhalansi enempilo "yokunikela" kunye "nokuthatha" ukwakha ubuhlobo obuqinileyo kunye neqabane lakho. Nanga amacebiso ambalwa abalulekileyo avela kuShivangi anokukunceda wenze loo nto kanye.

1. Vula imijelo yonxibelelwano kumacala omabini

Unxibelelwano oluvulekileyo noluqhubekayo lusisiseko kunye nomqolo wonxibelelwano lothando. Kungenxa yoko le nto uShivangi ebeka kuqala kuluhlu. Uthi, "Kufanele kuhlale kukho indawo elinganayo yokuba amaqabane omabini aziveze."

Omabini amaqabane kufuneka anxibelelane rhoqo ngeemfuno zawo. Lowo ngoku uziva elahliwe kwaye elahliwe ngokweemvakalelo liqabane lakhe kufuneka enze ngabom umzamo kubudlelwane babo ukuzinza ngakumbi. Elinye iqabane kufuneka liqinisekise kwaye likhuthaze indawo ekhuselekileyo yonxibelelwano.

2. Zinyanzelise ekuphulaphuleni ngenyameko

UShivangi uthi: “Ukuviwa, ngenyameko nangokukhuthala, kubaluleke njengokukwazi ukuthetha kulwalamano. Unxibelelwano lwenziwa nje ngesiqingatha ukuba imvakalelo ayifikeleli kwelinye icala. Uyacacisa, “Ngo ukuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo, ndithetha ukuphulaphula ukuze ndiqonde kungekhona nje ukuphendula. Oku kuquka imiqondiso engathethwayo nechukumisayo ngokunjalo.” Ukuziqhelanisa nokuphulaphula, zama oku kulandelayo:

Gcina nantoni na oyenzayo ecaleni - ifowuni, ilaptop, umsebenzi, njl
Jonga iqabane lakho emehlweni
Yenza intetho yomqamelo ibe sisithethe
Thetha izinto ezibenza bazive bemamele
Buza imibuzo ukukhuthaza iqabane lakho ukuba lithethe ngakumbi

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3. Chonga indlela yokuziphatha elawulayo

Kukho umahluko phakathi kokuba neempawu zobunkokeli nokuba a lawula into engaqhelekanga. Ngelixa umgangatho wobunkokeli luphawu oluhle kwaye unokunceda kungekuphela nje iqabane lakho kodwa usapho lonke ngexesha lobunzima, imfuneko yokulawula yinto ekufuneka uyilumkele. Nantsi eminye imizekelo yokulawula ukuziphatha kwizicwangciso zosapho:

Kufuneka iodole amanye amalungu entsapho ngeenxa zonke
Ukwenza izigqibo egameni labanye
Ukungafuni ukubonisana nabanye
Ukucinga ukuba abanye baya kuzenza iimpazamo

Le mfuno yolawulo ngunobangela osisiseko wokungalingani kolwabiwo lwamandla phakathi kwesibini. Yiba noxanduva lokuziphatha okunjalo. Yichonge xa isenzeka kwaye ubeke uxanduva.

ubudlelwane obungenampilo ubudlelwane obungenampilo

4. Yiba nendawo yomntu ngamnye

UShivangi uthi, “Sisoloko sifumanisa ukuba elinye iqabane lithatha umdla kunye nezinto azithandayo kwelinye ukuze lidale umanyano olungokweemvakalelo; ngokufanelekileyo, oku kufanele kusoloko kukho iindlela ezimbini. Qiniseka ukuba kukho indawo yomntu ngamnye, kumaqabane omabini.”

Ngoko ke, umntu ufanele enze ntoni? Iqabane elilawulayo kufuneka likhuthaze omnye ukuba athathe ixesha kunye indawo yam ngokwabo. Olunye uqheliselo olulula onokuthi uluthathe kukubuza ngenkuthalo iqabane elihlala ngakumbi ngokhetho lwalo xa ucinga ngento emayenze ngempelaveki, into onokuyiodola ngesidlo sangokuhlwa, yeyiphi ifilimu omawuyibukele, kwaye ungaya phi kwiholide elandelayo.

5. Yahlula imisebenzi yasekhaya ngokuqaphela amandla akho

UShivangi uthi, "Yabelanani ngomthwalo. Kuvakala kulula kodwa kulula ukuthetha kunokwenza. Nangona kunjalo, yenzani into yenu ekhaya, nokuba mnye kuphela kuni ophangelayo." Eli cebiso libalulekile kumakhaya apho elinye ilungu lirhola lize elinye linyamekele ikhaya. Ngelixa umsebenzi wobuchwephesha uphela ngentsimbi emiselweyo, uxanduva lwekhaya alupheli, nto leyo eyenza ukuba ilungiselelo lingabi nabulungisa ngokugqithisileyo kwiqabane eliphethe imisebenzi yasekhaya.

Nakana amandla akho kunye nezinto ozithandayo, kwaye yahlula imisebenzi yasekhaya ngokufanelekileyo ukuze oku kube nokuzinza. Ukuba omnye wenu akakonwabeli ukwenza nantoni na, zikhumbuze ngomonakalo onokubangela ukungalingani kubudlelwane. Nyusa iikawusi zakho kwaye ulawule.

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6. Misela imida yakho kwaye uhloniphe iqabane lakho

Xa umntu ecinga ngemizekelo yokulingana kubudlelwane, bonke behla ekuhlonipheni imida yeqabane lakho kunye nobuntu. Intlonipho ligama eliphambili xa kuthethwa ngokulingana. Shivangi uthi, “Imida ibalulekile ekugcineni ubuntu, ukulawula ungquzulwano, nokwabelana ngonxibelelwano oluqinileyo ngokweemvakalelo. Zibekele imida enxulumene nexesha, imali, isini, ukusondelelana, kunye nezinye iinkalo. Ngaba sifuna ukuthetha ngakumbi?

7. Yakha uthando kunye nobuhlobo kunye neqabane lakho

Njengeqabane lakho! Ewe, ufunda oko kulungile. UShivangi uthi, “Kubalulekile ukwakha izinto ezifanayo kunye nezihloko zencoko ngaphandle kweendima zakho njengamaqabane, amalungu osapho, okanye abazali. Oku kunokwenziwa ngokucinga iqabane lakho njengomhlobo wakho. Ngokwenyani, khawufane ucinge usuku nabahlobo kwaye uzame ukuchitha olo hlobo losuku neqabane lakho. ” Ezinye izinto ezicetyiswa nguShivangi zezi:

Phonononga imidla eqhelekileyo
Yibani nixhasana kusukelo lomnye nomnye
Yiba neencoko ezinzulu rhoqo
Khumbuza iinkumbulo zakudala
Yenza izinto ezikhe zakudibanisa, kwakhona

Iimpawu eziphambili

Kubudlelwane obulinganayo, iimfuno kunye nomdla wabo bobabini amaqabane zityalwe ngokulinganayo kwaye zihoywe
Kubudlelwane obucalanye, umntu omnye utyala ixesha elininzi, umzamo, amandla kunye nenkxaso yemali kunomnye
Ukwenza izigqibo kwicala elinye, ukulawula ukuziphatha, unxibelelwano olufundisayo, kunye nokuthotyelwa kweqela elinye yimiqondiso embalwa yobudlelwane obungalinganiyo.
Bonisa ukulingana ngakumbi kubudlelwane ngokuba nonxibelelwano olumacala mabini, ukumamela ngokukhutheleyo, ukukhulisa ubuntu, ukwahlula imisebenzi yasekhaya ngokulinganayo, ukubeka imida yobudlelwane obunempilo, kunye nokukhuthaza ubuhlobo kunye nokuthanda iqabane lakho
Ukufunda indlela yokufumana ukulingana kubudlelwane ngokusombulula iipateni ezinzulu zolawulo, ukongamela, ukungazithembi, ukuzithemba okuphantsi, imiba yokuthembana, njl.njl, dibana nengcali yonyango

“Andiqondi ukuba kukho ingcaciso enye yokulingana xa kufikwa kubudlelwane bothando”, uphetha uShivangi. “Kukwaxhomekeke kwindlela isibini esikuchaza ngayo ukulingana nendlela oko kubonakala ngayo kwizenzo zaso zemihla ngemihla.” Ukulingana asikokwahlulahlula nje ingeniso nemisebenzi yasekhaya ngomnyama namhlophe.

Ukuba wena kunye neqabane lakho nibandezeleka kukungalingani okungenampilo kubudlelwane benu kwaye akubonakali kukulungisa, kuyenzeka ukuba ukuziphatha kwakho okulawulayo, imiba yokuthembana, okanye ukuxhomekeka kwakho kwiqabane lakho kunye nokungakwazi ukuzibamba, zendele ngokunzulu kwingqondo yakho. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, iingcebiso zobungcali zinokungqineka zixabisekile. Ukuba ufuna olo ncedo, iBonobology's ipaneli yeengcali ndilapha ukukunceda.

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Umnikelo wakho awuquki isisa umnikelo. Iya kuvumela i-Bonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha nolwangoku kwiphulo lethu lokunceda nabani na osehlabathini ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.