Iingcebiso ezisi-8 zeeNgcali zokusinda kwiNgxaki yoMtshato

Ngaba uvakalelwa kukuba umtshato wakho usengozini? Mhlawumbi leyo yeyona ndlela ilula yokuqonda into equka ingxaki yomtshato. Ngelixa, "engozini" ibonakala ngathi yinkcazo engacacanga, intuition kunye neemvakalelo zethu zihlala zezona zikhokelo zokulinganisa impilo yobudlelwane bethu kwaye zibonise ingozi ezayo.

Iingxaki zomtshato okanye ukunxunguphala komtshato nguwo nawuphi na umqobo emtshatweni, obonakala unzima kakhulu ukoyisa kwabo batshatileyo. Ubume bayo buyohluka kakhulu ukusuka emtshatweni ukuya emtshatweni, njengoko kunjalo ngoonobangela nezisombululo.

Ukufumana ukubamba ngcono ukuba zeziphi ezona zizathu zixhaphakileyo zengxaki yomtshato, sathetha nesazi ngengqondo Pragati Sureka (i-MA kwi-Clinical Psychology, iikhredithi zobuchwephesha ezivela kwiSikolo sezoNyango saseHarvard), osebenza ngokukhethekileyo ekujonganeni nemiba efana nokulawula umsindo, imiba yobuzali, kunye nomtshato oxhaphazayo nongenaluthando ngokusebenzisa amandla omoya.

Uye wasalathisa kwicala lemiqondiso ethile enokusixelela ukuba le nto siyibonayo ngumtshato usengxakini, kwaye wasinika iingcebiso zobuchwephesha ngendlela yokusinda kwingxaki yomtshato.

Yintoni Ingxaki Yomtshato?

Umtshato usenokuba ngoyena thunywashe ubalulekileyo onempembelelo kubomi bomntu, ngoku nakwikamva lakhe. Ukuzibophelela emtshatweni kusenokwenza okanye kwaphule umntu. Ngokungaphephekiyo, imiqobo okanye unxunguphalo olubangelwa emtshatweni lunempembelelo enzulu kubomi bentsapho iphela. Oku kwenza ingxaki yomtshato ibe sisiganeko esingamele sithatyathwe lula okanye singahoywa.

Kodwa yintoni ingxaki emtshatweni? IPragati uyacacisa, “Xa sithetha ngomtshato osengxakini, ngokusisiseko linqanaba kulwalamano apho olo lwalamano lubaluleke gqitha kulwalamano oluphumelelayo lulahleka.”

Wonke umntu, okulo naluphi na uhlobo lwentsebenziswano, ujongene nemingeni. Kodwa ingxaki linqanaba elinzima le umngeni wobudlelwane. Zisenokubakho iintlobo ezininzi zeengxaki emtshatweni. Kuyenzeka ukuba ubunzima buqokelelwe kwaye budityaniswe ixesha elongezelelweyo, ukuze likhulu kakhulu ukuba lingaloyisa ngoku. Okanye, isibini sijongene nomceli mngeni wequbuliso, omkhulu ngendlela yomothuko ongazange ubonwe ngaphambili. Umzekelo, ukusweleka komntwana, okanye ukutyhilwa kwemfihlo edlulileyo, okanye ukusilela kwemali.

Kwimeko enjalo, isibini sizama ukoyisa ucelomngeni. Ukuba impilo epheleleyo yobudlelwane kunye nabantu ababandakanyekayo bayakuvumela, isibini siphumelele ukujongana nocelomngeni. Kwakhona bekuya kuxhomekeka kubungakanani bomonakalo owenziweyo okanye ukwenzakala. Kwanobona lwalamano luphumeleleyo nolona lusempilweni lusenokujamelana nocelomngeni olulingana nobukhulu bentaba engenakoyiswa, nto leyo ebangela ukuba ubuhlobo buphele phantsi kobunzima bayo.

Kodwa kuzo zombini ezi meko, into esidibana nayo esi sibini sisimo soxinzelelo apho sifumanisa ukuba akunakwenzeka ukujongana nale ngxaki. Isibini esineengxaki zomtshato sisenokudandatheka kakhulu, sibe nexhala size siphelelwe lithemba. Unxibelelwano luziva luthintelekile. Iziphumo zayo zinokuqala ukubonakala kwiimo kunye neendlela zokuziphatha kungekuphela nje isibini kodwa namanye amalungu osapho, ngakumbi abantwana.

Ziintoni Ezibangela Iingxaki Zomtshato?

Xa ethetha ngoonobangela bengxaki yomtshato, uPragati uthetha ngonobangela wale ngxaki. Ucaphula u-Esther Perel, isazi ngengqondo yobudlelwane kunye nomcebisi, othe wathetha ngesizathu sokuba imitshato yanamhlanje ihlupheke kakhulu. Uthi: “Oku kwenzeka kuba silindele ukuba umntu abe mnye oza kunyamekela ilali yonke, yaye ulindele ukuba iqabane lakho libe liqabane lakho, lize likwenzelelele ukuthandwa. platonic kunye nobudlelwane bothando ilindeleke kumntu omnye. Kwakhona ulindele ukuba nobabini niyonwabele imisebenzi efanayo. Kwangaxeshanye, inkqubo yakho yexabiso ikwayinxalenye yomxube.”

UPragati wongezelela ngelithi, “Ezinye iingcaphephe zobudlelwane zinika ezinye izizathu, ezifana neeyure zokusebenza ezinde okanye izinto ezibalulekileyo kwindawo engafanelekanga. Utsalela ingqalelo yethu kukubaluleka kwegama elithi 'ukulalanisa'. Uthi, “Abanye abantu abayibek’ kwindawo yokuqala imfuneko yokulalanisa besithi kulungile ukuba asivani, siphila kube kanye kuphela.

Ukwagxeka ukuvela kunye nokuxhaphaka kwemithombo yeendaba zentlalo kunye nolwazi olugqithileyo ngokufanayo. Esalatha kwimitshato yabantu abadumileyo, uthi, “Into eyenzekayo kukuba abantu baphenjelelwe bubomi bomdlalo okanye kumajelo onxibelelwano abantu. Umsebenzi wobomi. Kodwa wonke umntu ulindele ukukhunjuzwa ngolo hlobo, ngela nqanaba ledrama okanye inkulu kunobomi kunye nendlela yokuphila. ”

Iimpawu ezi-5 Zomtshato Wakho Uhamba Kwingxaki

Kodwa wazi njani ukuba le nto ujongene nayo ingxamisekile okanye iqatha ngokwaneleyo ukuba ibizwe ngokuba yingxaki. Ngaba iingxaki zomtshato yimvakalelo? Ukuba ewe, kuvakala njani xa umtshato usengxakini? UPragati uthi: “Uqalisa ukuvakalelwa kukuba nikude kakhulu omnye komnye, okanye niziva ningaqondwanga ngalo lonke ixesha.

UPragati uthatha ingcebiso kuJohn Gottman, isazi ngengqondo saseMelika, kunye nethiyori yakhe yaBakhweli bamahashe abane bobudlelwane. NjengaBakhweli bamahashe abane beApocalypse ababonisa ukuphela kwexesha, uGottman wafundisa abamahashe abane okanye iindlela ezine zokuziphatha ezibonisa ukuphela kobudlelwane. I-Pragati ibona ezi ziphatha zine njengezibonakaliso ezigqibeleleyo zomtshato osengxakini, kwaye ikwabonelela ngophawu olongezelelweyo ekugqibeleni.

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1. Ukugxekwa

"Ukugxeka rhoqo omnye umntu, iimpahla zakhe, iinwele zakhe, imikhwa nendlela aziphethe ngayo, ubuchule bakhe obunjengokupheka, okanye imali abayifumanayo, bubungqina obucacileyo bokuba ukwindawo ebomvu yentlekele.” Kukuhlasela ukuba ungubani okanye uziva njani omnye umntu.

Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuba ukugxeka kunye nesikhalazo ngamagama amabini ahlukeneyo. Ukuvakalisa inkxalabo okanye izikhalazo, xa kwenziwe ngokufanelekileyo, yindlela yokuziphatha eyakhayo. Izikhalazo zimalunga nemiba efuna ukuqwalaselwa. Kodwa ukugxekwa xa kusenziwa rhoqo, kuvakala njengohlaselo lobuqu kumntu olujoliswe kuye.

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2. Indelelo

Ukugxeka rhoqo kusoloko kulandela indelelo. Yipatheni eqikelelwayo. Xa idosi yokugxekwa iphakama ngokwaneleyo, umntu obonisa indelelo uye watshintsha ngokuzenzekelayo ekubeni ngendawo nokungahloneli.

Siyixhasa le ndlela yokuziphatha iyityhefu ngokusebenzisa impoxo, intlekisa, intlekisa, nokubonisa ukungabi nantlonelo. UPragati uthi: “Ukuba uzibona udelela iqabane lakho, zijonge, kuba loo nto ibeka umtshato emaxongo, okanye luphawu lweengxaki zomtshato.

3. Ukuzikhusela

Ukuzikhusela yimpendulo yendalo yokuziva uhlaselwe. Ukuba wena okanye iqabane lakho uzifumana uhlala udlala ukhuselo, kunokwenzeka ukuba umntu uziva ehlaselwa. Kodwa impendulo ekhuselayo ebusweni benkxalabo esebenzayo ayisebenzisi enye injongo ngaphandle kokugxeka iqabane kwi Ukuba nomsindo ifashoni. U-Pragati uthi, "Xa ukhusela, yonke into oyifunayo kukuthethelela inyaniso yakho."

Oku kusebenza njengebhloko kwijelo lonxibelelwano kwaye luphawu olucacileyo lokuba umtshato usengxakini. Kwelinye icala, kubudlelwane obuphilileyo, impendulo yomntu kwisikhalazo okanye inkxalabo yeqabane lakhe kukuvuma iimvakalelo zabo nokwamkela uxanduva.

4. Ukwenziwa kwamatye

I-Stonewalling linqanaba lokugqibela loluhlu lweendlela zokuziphatha ezibulalayo zobudlelwane. Kwenzeka njengempendulo kuzo zonke ezi zinto zingasentla. Kule nqanaba lobudlelwane, egxininiswe ngokuziphatha okubi kunye neendlela zokunxibelelana, umntu uhoxisa nje kwaye wenqaba ukuphendula. Oku kubizwa ngokuba yi-stonewalling

UPragati unika umzekelo. “Iqabane lakho lithetha into ethile uze wena ufane nenciniba, uzicingela, ‘Lo mntu akanangqondo, akukho sizathu sakuphendula.’” Ngeli xesha, umjelo wonxibelelwano phakathi kwakho neqabane lakho laphukile ngokupheleleyo. Akunakubakho umqondiso ocacileyo wokuba ngaphandle konxibelelwano, akukho kuphuma engxakini. Ukubethelwa ngamatye ngokweemvakalelo yiklasi ethi 'into ongafanele uyenze' xa umtshato wakho usengxakini.

5. Ukuxhatshazwa

Uluhlu "lweempawu zengxaki kubudlelwane" ngokudabukisayo aluphelelanga ngaphandle kokuxhatshazwa. Enyameni, ngokweemvakalelo, ngokwesondo, ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi. Ubudlelwane obuxhaphazayo buyityhefu kwaye kufuneka buphele.

Ukuba wena okanye iqabane lakho lixhatshazwa ngomnye, oko kubonisa ngokucacileyo ukuba ubudlelwane benu busengxakini enkulu. Impatho-gadalala yipateni kwaye isoloko iphinda-phinda. Ukuzimisela kunye nokukwazi ukubangela umonakalo ngokuphindaphindiweyo komnye umntu kukuchithwa okucacileyo kwesiseko sobudlelwane, kwaye kufuneka kuthathwe ngokungathí sina.

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Iingcebiso ezisi-8 zeeNgcali zokusinda kwiNgxaki yoMtshato

Unako ukuphelisa ingxaki yomtshato ngokufunda indlela yokusingatha iingxaki zomtshato. Ukuba kuya kuba nzima okanye kulula kangakanani kuxhomekeke kwizinto ezininzi. Phambi kwesiganeko esimiselayo esibangele intlekele (okanye ngaphambi kothotho lweziganeko ezincinci ezikhokelele kwingxaki egcweleyo), ibinjani impilo yobudlelwane bakho kunye nobudlelwane bakho neqabane lakho? Bungakanani ubungakanani bale ngxaki? Uxhotyiswe kangakanani ngeepatheni ezifanelekileyo zonxibelelwano? Uvuleleke kangakanani ukuba ufunde, utshintshe, kwaye uphucule?

UPragati umnika ingcebiso kwizinto ezisi-8 ezinokukunceda ufunde indlela yokulawula ingxaki yomtshato.

1. Funa uncedo ngonyango

Imeko yengxaki yomtshato linqanaba lokugqibela phambi komtshato okanye wakho ubudlelwane bokugqibela ichithakala ngokupheleleyo. Yiyo loo nto into yokuqala ayicebisayo uPragati lunyango ngonyango olulungileyo losapho, ukuba unokufikelela kwaye uhlawule. Ubethelela ukuba iingcebiso ngeengxaki zomtshato kufuneka zivele kumntu onokukunceda uqonde apho uzifunde khona iipatheni zakho zonxibelelwano.

Uthetha ngolunye uncedo olubalulekileyo lonyango. "Kuhlobo lwethu lwenkcubeko edibeneyo, apho siphenjelelwa lulindelo loluntu, unyango lukunceda ukuba ucace malunga nento oyifunayo."

Ugqirha unokubonelela ngeenjongo eziyimfuneko kwimeko yengxaki yomtshato. Inkxaso enenjongo kunye nenkqubo ekhokelayo iya kukunceda ukuba ujonge imiba ekhoyo ngokucace ngakumbi, kwaye ikukhokelele kwizisombululo eziyinyani. Ukuba ufumana ingxaki yomtshato okanye inqanaba loxinzelelo emtshatweni wakho, iBonobology's Iphaneli yezakhonod iingcali ezinamava bakhona ukukunceda.

2. Jonga iipatheni zakho zobuntwana

Sonke sithatha iipatheni zethu zokuziphatha ukusuka ebuntwaneni bethu. Kungakhathaliseki ubude bomtshato - ingxaki yomtshato we-7-year, okanye i-20, okanye ingxaki yomtshato wokuqala - iingcambu zinokulandwa emva kwiipateni zobuntwana kunye nezimbo zokuncamathela.

Ngokuqhelekileyo, ukusebenza kwezi zinto, ukusebenza kunye neengcali kucetyiswa ukuba ukwazi ukulawula iimvakalelo ezingaphezulu. Okanye i-introspect kunye nejenali malunga neemvakalelo eziza xa uhamba ngeengxabano kubudlelwane bakho. Oku kunokukunceda ubone iipatheni zakho zokucinga ezingaphantsi kwengqondo.

3. Lawula imiba yomsindo

I-Pragati incoma kakhulu ukulawula imiba yomsindo ukuba unayo. Ukuba unemiba yomsindo kufuneka uyilungise, ayithethi ukuba ngubani owaziphembelelayo. Ukuba umntu omnye uyazilawula emtshatweni, ngokuzenzekelayo uyawuphucula umtshato ngama-50%.

Ukuze ukwazi ukusebenza ngokufanelekileyo kuwe nakwimiba yomsindo wakho, unokuzama iindlela ezahlukeneyo izicwangciso zokulawula umsindo njengokuzilolonga ngokuphefumla nzulu, ukuzithetha kakuhle, kunye nokucamngca. Ukuthetha ngeemvakalelo zakho nomhlobo omthembileyo yenye indlela esebenzayo yokulawula umsindo. Iincwadi zokuzinceda kunye nezifundo ze-intanethi ezijoliswe ekulawuleni umsindo - simahla kunye nokuhlawulwa - zimbalwa kwizibonelelo zokufunda ezininzi ezinokukunceda. Ukongeza, umntu unokucinga ngokudibana nengcali yonyango ukuze afikelele kwiingcambu zemiba yomsindo kwaye ayilawule.

4. Yeka umdlalo wokutyhola

Ukuba bekunokufuneka sikuxelele ukuba ungayenzi xa umtshato wakho usengxakini, ibiya kuba le. Musa ukufunxa kumdlalo wokutyhola. Endaweni yoko, thabatha uxanduva. UPragati uthi: “Ukuba kufuneka ndiwele indlela okanye ndiqhube inqwelo-mafutha, omnye umntu unokutsiba isibane, kodwa ndim ofanele anikele ingqalelo, kuba ndikwisihlalo somqhubi.”

Ukuthatha uxanduva akuthethi ukuba kufuneka unikezele kuxinzelelo, okanye ube neempazamo ongazenzanga, okanye ulalanise nenkqubo yakho yexabiso. Kuthetha ukuthatha ulawulo kwinxalenye yakho yesivumelwano. Ukuzimela iimpazamo ozenzileyo. Ukujonga ngaphakathi, kwaye usebenzele ekuphuculeni iintsilelo zakho. Yiba yingxaki yomtshato emva kweminyaka esi-7 okanye ingxaki yomtshato wokuqala, ukutshintshwa kwetyala izakukubeka kwi- spiral efanayo. Kuphela ngoxanduva olusebenzayo apho abantu ababini bangakwazi ukusebenza kwicala lesisombululo.

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5. Nyaniseka kwisiqu sakho

UPragati uncomela ukuba ubani anyaniseke kuye ngokwakhe aze abuze, “Ndinyaniseke kangakanani emtshatweni wam?”, “Yintoni endiyifumanayo emtshatweni?”, “Yintoni endinokulalanisa ngayo?”, yaye “Ziziphi izinto endingenakuxoxisana ngazo?” Uyakufuna ukunyaniseka kunye nokunyaniseka kuwe ngokwakho kuwo onke amanqanaba enkqubo ukuze uphume kwingxaki.

UPragati unikela umzekelo ofanelekileyo. “Mhlawumbi ufumanisa ukuba inkolelo yeqabane lakho iyiyo ngaphandle kwenkqubo yakho yexabiso . Kodwa usenokufuna ukuba kubudlelwane ngenxa yokuba kukho abantwana ababandakanyekayo, okanye kuyimfuneko ngokwemali kuwe. Kuya kufuneka uzibuze ukuba umtshato ulungiselela ntoni. Kulapho ke unokuthi uqale ukulawula iimvakalelo zakho ngcono.

"Uza kuthatha isigqibo sokuba ezi zizinto endinokuhlala nazo, kwaye ezi zizinto ezingenakuxoxisana. Kwinqanaba elilandelayo, uya kucinga ngezinto ezilishumi ongenakukwazi ukuhlala nazo, kwaye yintoni enye into onokuthi usebenze kuyo. Mhlawumbi ubuya kufuna ukusebenza kuyo, okanye ungayiyeka." Umzekelo, kwimeko yoxhatshazo, usenokuthatha isigqibo sokuba andinako ukuyekelela kuxhatshazo kwaye ndingathanda ukuhlala ngokwahlukana okulawulekayo okanye uqhawulo-mtshato.

Kodwa kuyo yonke le nto, kuya kufuneka uqale unyaniseke kuwe. Ukunyaniseka kuya kukunceda wenze isigqibo kwimida yakho kwaye ulandele ikhondo lesenzo esilungele wena.

6. Nikela ingqalelo kwingxaki

Xa iingxaki zisanda okanye zidibene ngokuhamba kwexesha, kuba nzima ukugxila kuzo ngokuthe ngqo. Enyanisweni, into eyenzekayo kukuba sifumanisa kulula ukukhupha ingxaki kwaye siqale ukuyibona njengento epheleleyo. Ngokuthe ngcembe, ingqwalasela iyatshintsha isuka kwela bhulobhu yeengxaki kwaye itsibela kumntu omnye esiqala ukuyibona njengengcambu yemicimbi yethu.

I-Pragati icela abantu ukuba baqale ukugxila kwingxaki ngaphandle kokuyincamathisela okanye ukuyidibanisa ngokuziphatha komnye umntu. Uthi, “Ingxaki isenokuba kukukhobokisa, okanye ukungafezeki okulindelweyo, okanye a usapho olungasebenziyo ipateni. Ukuba ugxininise kwingxaki, kunokukunceda ukuba ujonge apho iqabane lakho livela khona okanye yintoni inkqubo yabo yexabiso. Inokukunceda ukuba usebenzele isicombululo.”

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7. Gxininisa kuphuhliso lwakho ngokwasengqondweni nangokomoya

I-Pragati igxininisa ukubaluleka kokugxila ekukhuleni komntu ngokwasengqondweni nangokomoya. “Unokufunda ukusebenza ngokwakho, uzinikele kulawulo oluphakamileyo, uqonde ukuba kukho amandla amakhulu kunawe anokukunceda uphume kobo bungenakulawuleka ebomini bakho.

Abantu abaninzi bacinga ukuba umthandazo sisixhobo sokuxoxisana. Kodwa kuye kwakho uphando oluninzi lwezenzululwazi malunga nezifundo zengqondo kunye nengqondo.

Ukuphila ngokunentsingiselo nangengqiqo kunokusebenza imimangaliso kwingxaki yomtshato kuba, emva kwayo yonke loo nto, ingxaki yomtshato yingxaki yomntu ngamnye. Eyibiza ngokuba lutshintsho lwendlela yokuphila, uPragati uthi, “Mihla le ukwenza ingqondo isebenza ngokukunceda ubekise ingqondo yakho, eliliso loqhwithela oluyingxaki yomtshato.”

Ngaphezu koko, ukunikel' ingqalelo ekukhuleni kwakho ngokomoya kunokukunika injongo yobuqu. Kuya kunceda ukubeka umthombo wakho wolonwabo kwinto ephantsi kolawulo lwakho. UPragati uthi: “Xa unenjongo nolwaneliseko, awusweli kangako kulwalamano.

8. Musa ukulahlekelwa yimbono

Ubani umele aphile ngokwazi, ngakumbi nangakumbi ebudeni beengxaki zomtshato. Xa ujonga ubomi bakho, njengoyena mlinganiswa ophambili webali lakho, kuba lula kakhulu ukuba umntu aphulukane nombono. Sinotyekelo lokudlala ngaphantsi okanye ukudlala ngokugqithisileyo izinto kwilinge lokungazi ngengqondo yethu yokuzikhusela. Oku kuthetha ukuba sobabini siyayibaxa imiba elawulekayo, kwaye singazihoyi iingxaki eziyintlekele.

Ukungaziboni izinto ngeliso elibukhali kukwathetha ukuba siqala ukulindela uphuculo olumandla ngomzamo omncinci, kwaye siziva sidimazekile kwiintsuku ezimbalwa zokuthatha amanyathelo asebenzayo. Kufuneka sibe nembono kuzo zonke izigaba zolu hambo ukuze sikwazi ukubhiyozela uloyiso oluncinci, sibone ukuphucuka, kwaye siphulule umqolo wethu.

Yenza konke okusemandleni akho ukujonga imbono yomba okhoyo. Ukuba unako, khangela inkxaso yenjongo ekuncedayo ukuba ubone izinto njengoko zinjalo.

FAQs

Iingcinga Final

Ukusebenzisana kwethu noPragati kuphele kwinqaku elihle malunga noJohn Gottman's Magic Ratio ye-5: 1. Uyasixelela, "uGottman wayethe, ukuzinza komtshato, lonke unxibelelwano olungalunganga kufuneka lucinywe ngonxibelelwano oluhlanu olulungileyo." Ukwenza izinto zicace, ukubetha iqabane lakho okanye ukutyeshela ukwenza into ekucele ukuba uyenze kukusebenzisana okungalunganga. Ukuxabisa iqabane lakho, ebonisa uthando, okanye ukwenza into eyonwabisayo kunye nabo, yintsebenziswano eyakhayo.

Ekugqibeleni, wongeza, "Ukondla kuwo onke amaxesha onyaka kunye nawo onke amathunzi othando kufuneka ibe yeyona nto yokwenyani emtshatweni." Jongisisa ubomi bakho kunye neqabane lakho, kwaye ubone ukuba zingaphi iindibano ezilungileyo nezingalunganga oye waba nazo kunye nabo. Xa konke kuthethiwe kwaye kwenziwe, zama ukulawula, ukugcina, kunye nokuphucula umlinganiselo womlingo we-5:1.

Imizekelo eyi-11 yeZimo Zokuzibhubhisa Ezonakalisa Ubudlelwane

Iindlela ezili-11 ezithandekayo zokuthandana neqabane lakho - Spice Up Umtshato Wakho

Ngaba ungathandana nabantu ababini ngexesha elinye

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