Uke waphawula ukuthi iseluleko sobudlelwano samadoda sivame ukuba yi-piggybacks mayelana nokuthi amadoda ngokusobala avela ku-Mars nabesifazane abavela kwiplanethi ehluke ngokuphelele? Encwadini kaDkt. John Grey esikhuluma ngayo lapha, uthi, “Akwanele ukumane ube neqiniso ekutsheleni abanye; ukuze uphumelele ekuqomeni kufanele ucabangele ukuthi nawe uzochazwa kanjani.” Ngakho-ke, ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi imizamo nezinhloso zakho zihunyushwa ngendlela efanele, kungase kusize ukuzwa kwabesifazane ukuthi bafunani kwabesilisa.
Hhayi-ke, amanoveli eseluleko sochwepheshe bobudlelwano esivela kusazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kanye nombhali, bobabili abangabesifazane, basondelene ngendlela ongathola ngayo ukuthi leso sifiso sinikezwe. Ukuthola iseluleko sobudlelwane ngokombono wobulili obuhlukile kungasusa ukudideka mayelana nokuthi kungani izinto ezithile esikhathini esidlule kungenzeka ukuthi zenzeka ngendlela ezenzeka ngayo. Kodwa iseluleko esisodwa sempilo yendoda singase singasisebenzeli esinye.
Yingakho sixoxisane nodokotela wengqondo uNandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), ogxile kwi-CBT, i-REBT, kanye nokwelulekwa kwabashadile, ukuze wazi ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nezimo ezifanayo ngobuchule esikhathini esizayo. Ngakho-ke yini okufanele yenziwe yindoda ebudlelwaneni? Ake sithole.
Abesilisa Nabesifazane Ebudlelwaneni - Umehluko Oyinhloko
Okuqukethwe
Ngaphambi kokuthi sikhiphe izeluleko zochwepheshe bezobudlelwano, sicabange ukuthi sizobhekana nalo mehluko wobulili wonke umuntu ahlala ekhuluma ngawo, kodwa nokho akekho ovumayo. Madoda athandekayo, siyaqiniseka ukuthi uthola ukukhathazeka okuningi kwamahhala kanye neziphakamiso ezinezisusa ezinhle ezivela kubafowenu abapholile kanye nezibalo zobaba ezihlakaniphile ezihlale zilungile ngemibono yezombangazwe kanye namathiphu okuqomisana amadoda. Ngakho-ke sicabange ukuthi sizohlanganisa ukuhlakanipha kwakho kokubili: Okuhlangenwe nakho kwabesifazane ngokumelene namadoda ebudlelwaneni. Ake ubheke.
| Abesifazane ebudlelwaneni | Amadoda ebudlelwaneni |
| Abesifazane bayathanda lapho amadoda esengozini nabo | Kunzima ukuthi amadoda abe sengozini ngenxa yemikhuba eyahlukene yomphakathi |
| Abesifazane bathatha isinyathelo sokwazana ngokujulile | Amadoda amaningi athatha isinyathelo sokuhlela izinsuku ezifanele |
| Abesilisa abafuni ukwenziwa okuvamile ebudlelwaneni futhi bafuna abesifazane baqonde ukuthi ubufazi abenzi isikhala samadoda amaningi. | Abesilisa abafuni ukwenziwa okuvamile ebudlelwaneni futhi bafuna abesifazane baqonde ukuthi ubufazi abenzi isikhala samadoda amaningi. |
| Abesifazane bafuna ukucaciseleka mayelana nesimo sabo sobudlelwane kanye nokungena njalo | Amadoda afuna abesifazane baveze abakufunayo ngokucacile ukuze baqondane kangcono |
| Abesifazane badinga isikhathi sokuthemba umfana embhedeni, nakuba beqhutshwa ngokulinganayo ngokocansi | Amadoda amaningi akulungele ukusondelana ngokomzimba ngaphambi kwabesifazane |
| Abesifazane bafuna isigaba se-honeymoon sihlale isikhathi eside kakhulu | Amadoda ngokuvamile awakwazi ukudonsa injabulo yokuqala isikhathi esingaphezu kwezinyanga ezimbalwa |
| Abesifazane bayakwazi ukukhuluma nabangane babo abaseduze, amalungu omndeni, noma amaqembu asekelayo mayelana nobudlelwano babo bothando | Abesilisa bavamise ukungayingeni imininingwane yokuthi yini ebenza bajabule noma badabuke ebudlelwaneni. Lokhu kuholela ekutheni bazizwe bebodwa |
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Iseluleko Sobudlelwano Kwabesilisa - 23 Amathiphu Ochwepheshe Ngungcweti
“Ukube nje besingaqonda ukuthi abesifazane bafunani ebudlelwaneni,” amadoda avame ukufisa. Lapho indoda iqala ukuphishekela uthando, kuba umngane noma umuntu emethembayo owesifazane aphendukela kuye ukuze athole usizo - kungaba ukunquma isinyathelo esifanele sokumcela ukuthi aphume, athi “Ngiyakuthanda” okokuqala, amcele ukuba angene, noma ahlele isicelo sothando kakhulu.
Uma kukhulunywa ngamathiphu obudlelwano bamadoda, umngane wesifazane uzoba negalelo elinokuqonda kakhulu angakunikeza kunabangane bakhe besilisa. Kodwa uma ungenaye umngane omethemba kanjalo empilweni yakho - noma kunguyena ozama ukumncenga - ukunquma ngesinyathelo esifanele kungaba uhambo olunesizungu ongaluqala. Ungakhathazeki. Sinezeluleko ezinhle kakhulu zobudlelwano zabafana abasebasha emadodeni asekhulile. Nawa amathiphu ethu angu-23 ochwepheshe okufanele uwakhumbule lapho uthandana nowesifazane:
1. Ungamjahi
Leli yicebiso lethu eliyinhloko lokuthi ungaba kanjani indoda engcono ebudlelwaneni. Akukho ukuhlambalaza , ngicela. “Ake ngikutshele ukuthi kungani lokho…” – Lapho uvula umusho ngala mazwi, amathuba akho okwenza noma yikuphi ukuthuthuka ayancishiswa. Lokhu kuphezulu ohlwini lwami lwamaphutha okufanele uwagweme uma ufuna ukwakha ubuhlobo obuphumelelayo obuhlala njalo nowesifazane.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ufuna iseluleko sokuqala sobudlelwano babesilisa noma kulabo abake bathanda futhi balahlekelwa esikhathini esidlule, ukubaluleka kokugwema ukuxhaphaza abesifazane akunakwengezwa ngokwanele. Ungacabangi ukuthi uyazi ukuthi yini engcono kakhulu kuye, kungaba sebudlelwaneni noma ezinqumweni zokuphila. Umsebenzisi we-Reddit wabelana ngendaba yakhe ehlekisayo ngokukhuluma ngokuthandana, “Umalume wami uthanda ukukhuluma kabi ngemibono engalungile kakhulu mayelana nokuya esikhathini, ukubeletha, izakhi zofuzo, noma umehluko wobulili ngokomzimba. Uma ngiphikisana, uphikelela ngokuthi angazi ukuthi ngikhuluma ngani.”
Uyanezela, "Ungumbazi. Ngiqeda iziqu zami zebhayoloji kulo nyaka." Madoda abathandekayo, niyayibona inkinga? Noma kunjalo isimo sakho sobudlelwano, awunalo ibhizinisi lokumtshela ukuthi kufanele aphile kanjani impilo yakhe, nobani okufanele ahlangane naye, noma ukuthi yiziphi izinjongo zakhe zomsebenzi okufanele zibe yikho. Yiqiniso, uma usuvele usothandweni, njengomlingani wakhe, unalo lonke ilungelo lokunikeza imibono nemininingwane yakho. Uma nje ukhumbula lezi azibopheli kuye.
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2. Ungayenzi ize imizwa yakhe
Lokhu ngokungangabazeki kungenye yezinto wonke umuntu wesilisa okufanele ayeke ukuzenza ebudlelwaneni bakhe, nokho amadoda amaningi avame ukwenza ize imizwa yomlingani wawo futhi abanike ubunzima. Ngokuvamile ngokungazi, ngenxa yokuthi abakwazi ukuhlobana nabo. Ukukuzwa usho izinto ezinjengokuthi “Angikholwa ukuthi uthukuthelele into ewubulima kangaka” noma “Ukhala isigqoko” kuyalimaza.
Ungaba kanjani indoda enhle ebudlelwaneni? Kulula. Noma yini oyenzayo, ungayisoli imizwa yakhe ku-PMS. Leli thiphu ngobudlelwano ngelani madoda ashadile futhi. Insizwa engangithandana nayo yayinomkhuba wokubuza ngokunganaki ukuthi usuku lwami lokuya esikhathini lwaluseduze yini noma nini lapho ngicasulwa okuthile. Kwangicasula kangangokuthi ngathenga isikibha esasithi, “Akuyona i-PMS, nguwe!” Ngisho noma ungakwazi ukuqonda ukuthi kungani esabela entweni ngendlela ayiyo, okungenani, qaphela imizwa yakhe. “Ngiyaxolisa ukukubona uphatheke kabi, bekungeyona inhloso yami ukukulimaza” isebenza kangcono kakhulu.
3. Ungazami kakhulu ukuze uphole
Okunye ukuthambekela okuvamile phakathi kwabesilisa lapho bezama ukujabulisa intombazane noma ukuyinqoba ukuthi badlulela emzamweni wabo wokuzibonakalisa njengoMnu. Cool. Iningi labesifazane alinandaba nakho. Ugcina usuzenza isilima. Ngakho nanka amathiphu obudlelwano owadinga kakhulu: Zenzele umusa kanye nentshisekelo yakho yothando, yiba yilokho oyikho. Ngisho noma lokho kuwubuwula, i-geeky, noma i-dorky, ngeke kumbeke kude ngendlela isenzo somgunyathi esizokwenza ngayo.
Lesi iseluleko esibaluleke kakhulu sobuhlobo bokuqala kwabesilisa. Ngiyaqonda ukuthi uma ungakaze ube sebudlelwaneni ngaphambili, imizwa yokuqomisana kokuqala ingadlula kodwa ukungathembeki ngeke kukusize ngalutho. UNandita uthi, “Emizamweni yakho yokuqinisekisa ukuthi intombazane oyicindezelayo iyakuthanda nawe, ungase uzame kanzima ukuyihlaba umxhwele. Lokho kungaholela ekulahlekelweni.” Unezela iseluleko sokuphila kwendoda engazithembi esezohamba icele othile ukuthi: “Phefumula kakhulu ube yilokho oyikho.”
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4. Usathane imininingwane
Yiba neso elibukhali lemininingwane. Uma unaka futhi ukhumbula izinto ezincane ezibalulekile kuye, uzomthinta inhliziyo ngokushesha. UNandita uthi, “Kungase kukutholele amaphuzu amaningi e-brownie uma amehlo akho engaphenduki lapha noma laphaya, futhi uma ungabheki abanye besifazane . Qaphela ulimi lomzimba wakho. Gxilisa ukunaka kwakho kuye.”
Isenzo esilula esinjengokuthatha i-milkshake ayintandokazi yakhe endleleni yokuhlangana naye noma ukukhumbula uku-oda ama-olivi engeziwe ku-pizza yakhe kwanele ukuncibilikisa inhliziyo yakhe. Ake ngikunikeze amathiphu obudlelwano avela emshadweni wami. Umyeni wami, isibonelo, uvakashela nami ngokwenkolo njalo ebusuku uma ngike ngathola imithi yami ye-endometriosis. Ngikuthola kuthandeka.
Lapho ngimvakashele kanye lapho sisathandana, wayebeke endlini yakhe izinto engizithandayo. Kusukela ekhofini lami eliyintandokazi kuya kumasemishi asakazwayo, isinkwa se-multigrain, ngisho nejeli yami yokuya eshaweni nebhotela lomzimba, konke kwakulapho. Lesi senzo sangishukumisa kangangokuthi ngehluleka ukuzibamba izinyembezi ukuba zigeleze. Futhi kanjalo nje, ngangazi ukuthi uyena! Uyabona ukuthi izinto ezincane zingakhombisa kanjani uhlangothi lwakho olunomusa nolunakekelayo. Yilokho abesifazane abaningi abakufunayo kumlingani.
5. Thembeka mayelana nemigomo yakho yokuphola
Uma ufuna ukuqomisana ngentshiseko, kungaba ngezinhlelo zokusebenza zokuqomisana eziku-inthanethi noma i-IRL, ukucaca ngokuphelele nokwethembeka ngemigomo yakho kuhlale kunconywa. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ufuna ubudlelwano besikhathi eside, ukuqomisana okungahleliwe, noma ukuhlangana ubusuku obubodwa, qinisekisa ukuthi ukusho lokho kwasekuqaleni. UNandita uthi, “Amadoda aqotho athole indlela engcono kakhulu yokuba mnandi kwabesifazane . Ukwethembeka kuyinzuzo futhi kukhuluma lukhulu ngobuntu bendoda.”
Ngakolunye uhlangothi, bekungeke kube khona ukubekelwa phansi okubi kunomfana ozenza sengathi unesithakazelo kowesifazane kuyilapho efuna ukungena ebhulukweni lakhe. Ukudlala ngenhliziyo yentombazane nokuyenza izizwe utshalwe kuyo ngokomzwelo ukuze nje uzitholele okuthile kuphakathi kwezinto indoda yangempela okungafanele neze iyenze. Ithiphu eqinile yokuthi ungaba kanjani indoda elungile ebuhlotsheni: Indoda phezulu, mtshele ukuthi yini oyifunayo, futhi ufunde ukuphendula impendulo yakhe, noma ngabe kuyini, esilevini.
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6. Njalo beka kuqala imvume
Umsebenzisi we-Quora uthi, “Uma ungakwazi ukuhlonipha imvume, awufanelekeli ngisho nokuthandana nanoma ubani.” Lesi iseluleko esibaluleke kakhulu sobudlelwano kubafana abasebasha kodwa sisebenza kwabesilisa babo bonke ubudala. Ungavumeli ukushesha kwama-hormone kulawule izinzwa zakho futhi kukucindezele kuze kube seqophelweni lapho uhlukumeza khona umuntu ngokocansi ngokungazi. Lezo zikhathi ezimbalwa zokuzijabulisa zingaba nemiphumela emibi kakhulu kulowo ongakufuni.
Amadoda ashadile kufanele aqaphele nalokhu. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kungokokuqala ngqa nomlingani omusha noma okweshumi ebudlelwaneni bakho besikhathi eside, hlala ucela imvume yakhe ngaphambi kokusondelana. Uma ufuna ukukhombisa ukuthi unamandla, bonisa amandla ngokuzibamba. Futhi khumbula ukuthi cha kusho ukuthi cha. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukusiphi isigaba sobudlelwano bokusondelana nokuxhumana.
U-Nandita uneseluleko sobudlelwane obujulile samadoda, "Uma umlingani wakho efuna okwengeziwe, uzocela. Imvume ngaphambi kocansi ayinakuxoxiswa. Izothando eziningi ezenzeka namuhla zisemhlabeni wokuphola ku-inthanethi. Ukunakekela imingcele ebonakalayo kubalulekile futhi. Futhi gcina isithunzi ngisho nasezinkundleni zokuxhumana. Lo msebenzi onzima ufanelekile, ngithembe."
7. Ungaba kanjani indoda engcono ebudlelwaneni: Mmele
Yini okufanele indoda yenze ebudlelwaneni ukukhombisa ukweseka owesifazane wayo ngezikhathi ezinzima? Hhayi-ke, okuphambene nalokho okwenziwa umlingani kaGrace. KuGrace, umculi we-claymation wase-Arizona, isigameko esisodwa sokungamtholi umlingani wakhe emi eduze kwakhe ngesikhathi emdinga kakhulu saba ukuqedwa kobudlelwano obuneminyaka engu-3 ubudala. Wayeshayela eya endaweni yakhe ngesikhathi iqulu labafana liqala ukulandela imoto yakhe. Wafona ephindelela u-Eric efuna ukubona ukuthi ngeke yini ahlangane naye kodwa lutho ucingo lwakhe.
Futhi wayengenandaba nokumshayela ucingo ngisho nangemva kokuba eseshiye amavoyisimeyili angu-15 noma ngaphezulu. Ngokungangabazeki, kwalandela ingxabano enkulu. Wenza isiphakamiso esimboziwe sokuthi mhlawumbe ubude bengubo yakhe yikho okwenza labo bafana bamlandele. Wayibiza khona lapho futhi akazange abheke emuva.
Uma uke waya kofuna iseluleko sobudlelwano ngokombono wowesifazane, cishe uyazi ukuthi lokhu kubaluleke kangakanani. Kunezindlela eziningi zokuhlonipha owesifazane ebudlelwaneni : Abesifazane bafuna futhi balindele ukuthi abalingani babo babamele. Lokhu akugcini nje ngokulwa ngokomzimba, kodwa futhi ngokomzwelo. Ukusekelwa kwakho ngokomzwelo, uma ume eceleni kwakhe, esikhundleni sokumtshela ukuthi ayeke, ahlehle, noma okubi kakhulu, umsole ngokuthi "ucele lokho," kusho umhlaba kuye. Futhi lokho kusiletha ephuzwini elilandelayo.
8. Mkholwe uma ekutshela ngokuhlukunyezwa okwedlule
Lokhu kuwukuziphatha okuhle okuyisisekelo futhi akunandaba ukuthi uwela kuluphi uhlangothi lwe-#MeToo. Akukho nzuzo yangempela ngaye yokuqamba amanga ngalokhu kuwe. Umane nje ufuna ukwazi ukuthi udlule kuphi. Ungaba khona ngenxa yakhe, ngokumkholwa kuqala. Nazi ezinye izeluleko zobudlelwano bakho ngendlela yocwaningo , "Abantu abaningi abadlwenguliwe abakuboni njengokudlwengula, noma ngabe kuhambisana nencazelo yomthetho, okutholakele okwembulwe ekubuyekezweni kwezifundo ezingu-28." Qaphela ukuthi kusho ukuthini 'abantu', hhayi abesifazane. Yingakho sithi "kholwa ngabasindile" ngoba kaningi, abazikholwa ngisho nabona.
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9. Mqonde ngaphambi kokuba uthathe isinyathelo
Ingabe ikhona intombazane emsebenzini ongakwazi ukuyisusa? Noma mhlawumbe, uxhumene nomuntu othile kuhlelo lokusebenza lokuthandana owenza inhliziyo yakho yeqe amabhithi ayinkulungwane. Umfutho wokuthatha isinyathelo ngale mizwa yokuqala yokukhangwa ungaba namandla kakhulu. Iseluleko sami sobudlelwano kwabesilisa abasebudlelwaneni obusha ukuthi babambe amahhashi abo kulesi sigaba. Nasi isizathu:
- Kuyoba kuhle kini nobabili ukuthi nizinike isikhathi sokwazana ngaphambi kokuba ningenele
- Kuzokusiza uqonde akuthandayo nangakuthandi, futhi ubone ukuthi ufanelekile yini ngaphambi kokumcela ukuthi akukhiphe
- Lokhu kubonisa ukuzwela kanye nesifiso sokwakha ukusondelana ngokomzwelo engxenyeni yakho
Umngane wami, uSheena, kwadingeka ayeke ukuthandana nendoda ayeyithanda kakhulu futhi ayekade ethandana nayo ngoba wayesaba izinja kanti yena wayenezinkulu ezimbili ekhaya. “Ngangicabanga ukuthi sobabili sibuze imibuzo efanele yokuthandana okokuqala futhi saqhubeka nobudlelwano ngoba saqondana ngokushesha. Ngandlela thile, indaba yezilwane ezifuywayo ayizange ivele, futhi ekugcineni, kwaba yiyo eyaphula isivumelwano!” kusho yena.
10. Yamukela uhlangothi lwakhe olubucayi
Lena enye yezinto ezibaluleke kakhulu umfana okufanele azenze ebudlelwaneni. Abesifazane abaningi bayizidalwa ezizwelayo, ezizwelayo. Nalabo asebeqinise ngenxa yezimo zabo. Uma ufuna ubudlelwano bakho buchume ngobuqotho beqiniso, thatha lezi zeluleko zokuqomisana zamadoda ngokungathi sína futhi ufunde ukwamukela uhlangothi lwakhe olubucayi.
Okungcono, yigubhe. Ngokukhuthaza umlingani wakho ukuthi agqoke inhliziyo yakhe emkhonweni wakhe, uthuthukisa isimo esimvumela ukuthi akhulise isibopho sakho ngawo wonke amandla akhe. Kwazi bani, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, okunye kwalokhu kuzwela kungase kukuthinte. Noma ingakusiza ukuthi uthintane futhi udlulisele uhlangothi lwakho olubucayi. Futhi nindawonye, ningakha ubudlelwano obuhle, obuphelele, nobujabulisayo.
11. Yakha ubungane naye
Lesi yiseluleko esibaluleke kakhulu. Uma ufuna ubudlelwano obuqinile obuzohlala isikhathi eside, busekele ebunganeni bangempela nomlingani wakho. Cabanga ngale kokuqomisana ngothando, izipho ezinkulu, kanye nezenzo ezishisayo. Pho-ke yini okufanele yenziwe yindoda ebudlelwaneni? Chitha isikhathi nomzamo ebudlelwaneni naye ezintweni enizikhathalelayo nobabili. Ngoba ngeke nilahlekelwe isithakazelo komunye nomunye uma ningabangane kuqala.
Njengomuntu owathandana futhi washada nomngane wakhe omkhulu weminyaka engu-11, angikwazi ukugcizelela ngokwanele ukuthi kungaba kuhle kangakanani ukwabelana ngempilo yakho nomuntu onobungane beqiniso naye. Lobu bungane buzogcina ubuhlobo benu futhi buvule indlela yothando olujulile lapho inhlansi yokuqala yothando igqashuka.
12. Iseluleko sobudlelwane obujulile bamadoda: Mvulele isifuba
Uma izinto bezishintsha futhi kunguwe onikeza iseluleko sobudlelwano kwabesifazane, cishe ubungathi, “Ungasiphoqeleli ukuba sikhulume ngemizwa yethu.” Nathi siyaqonda. Ukucwilisa imizwa yakho embizeni kabhiya, uyifaka ebhodleleni, bese uqhubekela phambili kulula kakhulu kunokuba sengozini. Noma kunjalo, iseluleko sobudlelwano ngokombono wowesifazane singaba okuphambene nalokho.
Mvumele angene. Mvulele. Khuluma naye mayelana nokwesaba kwakho, ukukhathazeka, ukubhuka, nokungabaza kwakho. U-Nandita uthi, "Udinga amagama azwelayo engeziwe. Kufanele uzame ngenkuthalo ukwandisa ulwazimagama lwakho ukuze uhlose ukusondelana ngokomzwelo okwengeziwe." Unikeza izibonelo:
- Jabulile: “Uvusa uhlangothi lwami oluhle,” “Ungenza ngizizwe ngiphezu komhlaba,” “Ngizizwa ngizolile lapho nginawe”
- Dumela: “Ngikhathazekile,” “Ngikhathazekile,” “Nginomuzwa wokuthi awunandaba”
Kuhle ukuthintana isisekelo ngemicabango ejulile yomunye nomunye kanye ngesikhathi. Yilokho izinkulumo zomcamelo zingezakho!
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13. Ungayibalekela inkulumo ethi “iyaphi le”
Enye yezinto ezimbi ezenziwa abafana ebudlelwaneni – iningi labo noma kunjalo – ukuphatha izingxoxo ngekusasa njengento engavunyelwe. Kodwa yazi lokhu: Uma usebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside, le ngxoxo ayinakugwenywa. Isibonelo, uma senithandane izinyanga ezimbalwa, ubeyozibuza ukuthi uzothi “Ngiyakuthanda” noma ucele ukuba nguwe kuphela nini.
Ngokufanayo, uma senineminyaka embalwa nindawonye, angase abe nemibuzo ngesinyathelo esilandelayo – nizohlala ndawonye, nikhulume ngomshado, ikusasa, nezingane. Ngisho noma lezi zingxoxo zikwethusa ukukhanya kwelanga eliphilayo kuwe, yazi ukuthi ayikho indlela eduze kwazo. Ngokugwema, ubuzovala ingqondo yakhe ngokungabaza. Mhlawumbe, uze umthumele ezungeza indlela yokucabanga ngokweqile.
Zilungiselele ukuxoxa ngezinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo, uma ukuzo isikhathi eside. Uma ugwema kakhulu le ngxoxo, izokhula kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bakho njengesipoki esingabonakali.
14. Amathiphu okuqomisana amadoda yonke indawo: Xhumana, thintana, thintana
“Kufanele ulalele izinkinga zomlingani wakho, iziphakamiso, kanye nezeluleko, futhi wamukele ukuthi awuhlali ulungile. Ingxoxo iyisihluthulelo somshado ophumelelayo,” iseluleko esiqinile esivela kowesifazane ohlakaniphile kanye nomunye wabadlali abahle kakhulu, uMeryl Streep. Amathiphu akhe obudlelwano, empeleni, angawawo wonke umuntu. Izinkinga zokuxhumana ziyimbangela yezinkinga eziningi zobudlelwano. Esikhundleni sokulindela nje ukuthi umlingani wakho azi futhi aqonde ukuthi ufunani ebudlelwaneni, khuluma ngezidingo zakho nezifiso zakho ngokucacile.
Lesi ngesinye sezidingo eziyisisekelo zabesifazane ebudlelwaneni. Ngoba ngendlela amadoda angakwazi ngayo ukufunda izingqondo, nabesifazane abakwazi. Enye yezinto indoda okungafanele neze iyenze kowesifazane ukuvala imizwa yayo lapho ukukhuluma ngayo kubonakala kunzima kakhulu. Uma wenza lokhu, umlingani wakho uzozizwa edidekile, edidekile, futhi emaphethelweni. Lokhu kuzokwengeza kuphela noma yiziphi izinkinga okungenzeka ukuthi ubhekene nazo.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izindlela Eziyi-11 Zokuthuthukisa Ukuxhumana Ebudlelwaneni
15. Ungavali
Lesi sigaba samathiphu obudlelwano kwabesilisa empeleni siwukunwetshwa kwalawo angaphambilini. Ukungavumelani, ukudumazeka, kanye nokwehluka kwemibono kuyingxenye ebalulekile yobudlelwano. Yindlela osabela ngayo kulokhu okubalulekile. Uma umlingani wakho enze noma esho okuthile okukucasulile noma okukulimazile, ungathuli noma usebenzise i- stonewall.
Umsebenzisi we-Reddit uthi, “Uma ekhungathekile, ethukuthele, noma ebhekene nesikhathi esinzima emsebenzini, uyavala ngokuphelele, ayeke konke ukuxhumana nami ngaphandle kwesidingo esincane kakhulu. Futhi angazi ukuthi yimina, noma okunye. Lokhu kungahlala amahora ambalwa, izinsuku ezimbalwa - kanye ngisho nezinyanga ezimbili. (Lokho KWAKUNGENZEKA ngami.) Uma sekuphelile, akaze achaze noma axolise - kumane kuphele.”
Ukumkhande ngamatshe noma ukumphatha buthule ngeke kuqede ngomlingo izinkinga zakho zobudlelwano. Uma kukhona, kuzozihlanganisa kuphela ngokwengeza ukungezwani nokuqagela kungxube. Ngakho-ke, iseluleko esihle sokuqomisana samadoda yilesi: Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi indaba ibucayi kangakanani noma incane, uma kukhona okukukhathazayo, khuluma nomlingani wakho ngakho.
16. Iseluleko sobudlelwane kwabesilisa: Imizwa yakho akubona ubuthakathaka bakho
Emakhulwini eminyaka, amadoda aye akhuthazwa ukuba abambe imizwelo nemizwa yawo. Yonke inkulumo ethi “amadoda awakhali” iye yenza izizukulwane zamadoda zihlupheka buthule. Enye yezinto eziyigugu kakhulu zeluleko zokuqomisana zamadoda okufanele ngiwanikeze ukuthi ayikho inkazimulo kulo mqondo wamanga we-machismo.
UNandita wabelana ngamathiphu engeziwe obudlelwano ukuze azuze inhliziyo yakhe , “Amadoda athanda ukuba namandla ngomqondo ongokoqobo noma ongokwenyama waleli gama. Nakuba lokho kukuhle, amadoda kudingeka akholelwe ukuthi ukuba sengozini, ukuvuleka, nokuvumela imizwa yawo ibonakale nakho kunamandla.” Ngakho khumbula lezi zinto:
- Amadoda angempela AYAKWAZI futhi KUFANELE akhale
- Ukukhipha izinyembezi ezimbalwa akuyona into okufanele ukhathazeke ngayo. Ukuhlukumeza yilokho indoda yangempela akufanele neze ikwenze
- Amadoda angakwazi ukukhuluma ngemizwa yawo abonakala ekhanga kakhulu kunohlobo oluthulile, olufukamelayo
- Yamukela umbono wokuthi imizwa yakho akubona ubuthakathaka bakho, futhi uzokwazi ukuxhumana nomlingani wakho endizeni entsha.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Kulungile Ukuba Amadoda Akhale?
17. Yiba matasa ekugcineni uthando luphila
Ufuna iseluleko sokuqala sokuthandana samadoda? Hhayi-ke, sikuphathele eyodwa kuphela. “Funda ubuciko kwezothando,” kusho uNandita. Ungavumeli umthwalo wokugcina uthando luphila uwelele kumlingani wakho. Uma wenza kanjalo, uzokhathala, aphele amandla, futhi ekugcineni adele, ecabanga ukuthi lezi zinto azinandaba nawe. Ngakho-ke, thatha isinyathelo sokuhlela izimpawu zothando, njengobusuku bezinsuku, ukumkhipha, ukumtotosa, nokumenza azizwe ejabule.
Umngane wami u-Arina umona weqembu lethu lonke lamantombazane ngenxa yokuthi umyeni wakhe, uJacob, ungumuntu othanda kakhulu. Uyamthatha isikhashana noma nini lapho sindawonye, ukuze nje athathe ukuqabulana okukodwa noma okubili. Uyamkhipha ayokwenza ikhofi ngokushesha phakathi nosuku lomsebenzi. Uletha izimbali zakhe, ngoba nje. Akacabangi nokuthi lokhu kuwumsebenzi onzima. Lezi yizinto okufanele zenziwe yindoda ebudlelwaneni. Thatha isiqondiso sokuthandana naye futhi uzombuyisela izinto eziningi.
18. Hlonipha okubalulekile kuye
Uma kunocezu olulodwa lweseluleko sochwepheshe kwezobudlelwano okungafanele sishaywe indiva, yilesi, yilokhu, yilokhu! Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi owesifazane wakho wenzani noma lapho izinkanuko zakhe zilele khona, njengomlingani wakhe, kufanele uhloniphe izinto ezibalulekile kuye.
Kungaba ukuzikhandla kwakhe emsebenzini wakhe, umndeni wakhe, ukuthanda kwakhe ukuqina, ukuthanda ukupheka, umdlandla wokufunda amakhono amasha okuphila, nokuzinikela okungantengantengi kubantwana bakhe - uma kubalulekile kuye, kufanele kubaluleke kuwe. Iseluleko esibalulekile sobudlelwane emadodeni: Ungamehlisi phansi ngokusho izinto ezinjengokuthi “Ubhalansisa nje ehhovisi, akufani nokuthi uzoshintsha umhlaba” noma “Kungani ungaphuthelwa ukujima kwakho ngolunye usuku?”.
19. Ungangabazi ukucela izeluleko nosizo
Khumbula ukuthi nobabili ningabalingani abalinganayo ebudlelwaneni obunempilo.
- Akuwona umsebenzi wakho ukumnakekela nokumnakekela noma uhlale uphezu kwezinto futhi ngokuphambene nalokho
- Uma uzithola ubambekile noma ulahlekile esimweni esithile, ungangabazi ukucela usizo kumlingani wakho
- Kungaba into elula njengokuthatha usizo lwakhe ngomkhombandlela noma ukucela imali mboleko ukuze ukhokhe isikweletu (ngemuva kokuthi nobabili nifake ubuhlobo obujulile), kulungile kube nguye othembele kuye
- Angajabula ukukusiza. Eqinisweni, ngokuphendukela komunye umuntu ukuze uthole usizo lapho ekwazi ngokuphelele ukukunikeza, umenza azizwe engumlingani omncane.
Manje lalela lesi seluleko esivela kowesifazane ohlakaniphile: Uchwepheshe wethu. UNandita uthi, “Akudingeki wazi yonke into. Akudingekile ukuthi ubonise ukuthi unolwazi olwengeziwe, uhlakaniphile, noma uphakeme.” Ukuziqhenya kakhulu ngokucela usizo lapho uludinga ngempela nakho kungenye yezinto ezimbi ezenziwa abafana ebudlelwaneni. Yenza umzamo oqotho wokwephula leli phethini ngokufuna usizo lwakhe ezintweni ezincane. Mphathe njengomuntu olingana naye, futhi uzokuthanda futhi akwazise kakhulu ngakho.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukungabaza Ngobudlelwano – Imibuzo Engu-21 Okufanele Uzibuze Yokuthi Uhlanze Ikhanda Lakho
20. Iseluleko sobudlelwano samadoda asebudlelwaneni obusha: Ungashintshi
Umthumelela umlayezo ubusuku bonke ngolunye usuku. Emvusa ngocingo olulandelayo. Khona-ke, uvele unyamalale izinsuku. Lapho uyazibuza ukuthi ngabe konakelephi. Bese ubuya usuziphethe engathi kuyibhizinisi njengenjwayelo. Umfana ngaphambili kanye nomfana manje bangabantu ababili abahlukene kuye.
UNandita uthi, "Ukusho noma ukwenza izinto eziphambene kakhulu ngezinye izikhathi kungase kuyidide intombazane yakho. Ukungaguquguquki endleleni oziphatha ngayo nalokho okushoyo kubonisa ukuthi uyazethemba futhi uyazethemba. Noma yini enye iwuphawu lokungazethembi futhi kuveza kabi kuwe." Ingabe usibhale phansi lesi seluleko sobudlelwano samadoda? Ngoba lena bekunzima ukuyigwinya.
Uthando lokumshaya ngebhomu nokudlala ngokushisa nokubandayo ngeke luyise ndawo ubudlelwano bothando. Le midlalo yengqondo encane izomane imcasule futhi iphakamise izimpawu eziningi ezibomvu mayelana nokuphila kwakho njengomlingani. Uma umkhathalela ngempela, vumela imizwa yakho ikhanye ngezenzo zakho ngaphandle kokuhlazeka.
21. Ungathathi cha ocansini njengokuhlasela kwakho
Nakuba 'ukubonakaliswa' kwesifiso kuhluka ngoba kucwaswa kwabesifazane, uSarah Hunter Murray, PhD, umbhali wencwadi ethi Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships , uthi lapha , “Izifundo eziningi zibonisa ukuthi amazinga esifiso sobulili samadoda nabesifazane afana kakhulu kunokuba ahluke. Izindinganiso zobulili mayelana nesifiso sobulili ziphelelwe yisikhathi ngezindlela eziningi.” Lesi iseluleko esihle esivela kowesifazane ohlakaniphile futhi asihambisani nempikiswano yakho yamandla avamile wesifazane vs amandla owesilisa.
Kuzoba nezinsuku lapho engase enqabe khona ukushela kwakho ucansi futhi anqabe. Ngaphandle uma kuyindaba yama-libidos angafani, funda ukuthatha ama-nays ambalwa emnyathelweni wakho. Akukhona ukuthi akafuni ukwenza uthando noma ukukuthola ukhanga. Kungase kube ngenye yezinto eziyisigidi ezenzeka emzimbeni wakhe ezimsusa embonweni wocansi. Mhlawumbe, une-PMS-ing, uzizwa equnjelwe futhi engakhululekile. Mhlawumbe ukhathele nje ngemva kosuku olude futhi ufuna ukuphahlazeka ebusuku. Noma mhlawumbe akakulungele lokho. Isikhathi.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukubhekana Nezinkinga Zokuvumelana Ebudlelwaneni Banamuhla
22. Ungamphuzi
Esinye sezidingo eziyisisekelo zabesifazane kusukela ebuhlotsheni, kanye neseluleko esihle kakhulu sobudlelwano senkathi yokuphola ku-inthanethi. Ayikho indlela yokubikezela ukuthi i-dynamic izophuma kanjani. Mhlawumbe, senithandane amasonto noma izinyanga ezimbalwa, bese ubona ukuthi akukusebenzeli. Mhlawumbe senineminyaka nindawonye ebudlelwaneni obujulile futhi manje nizizwa sengathi aniphelelwa uthando.
Uselungelweni lakho lokuyeka ucansi bese ushintsha. Uma wenza kanjalo, khumbula lesi seluleko sobudlelwano samadoda – UNGAMPHIKI. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi izimo zinjani noma ukuthi ingxoxo ingaba mnandi kangakanani, ukuphambana ebudlelwaneni kuyinto embi kakhulu. Mvumele umnike inhlonipho yokutshelwa ukuthi usuqedile futhi ufuna ukuqhubeka. UNandita uyanezela, “Ngisho noma kufanele ube kude, mtshele ukuthi ngeke ukwazi ukuxhumana. Kulula kanjalo.”
23. Buza owesifazane ukuthi ufunani
Udidekile ukuthi kungani umuntu wesifazane engakufoneli? Mbuze. Awuqondi ukuthi yini ayidingayo namuhla, ngosuku olunamafu amnyama? Mbuze. Ingabe kufanele unikeze umbono wakho lapho ekhuluma ngelungu lomndeni elinobuthi, noma ulalele nje? Mbuze. Uzama ukuthola imingcele yakho mayelana nokuthinta? MBUZE. Amathiphu obudlelwano awabi lula kunalokhu.
Akumcasuli uJohn Gray, kodwa ukuhlukanisa abesifazane nabesilisa kahle phakathi kwabo nokuhlukanisa izindima zobulili phakathi kwabo cishe akuyona into enhle (noma yesayensi) yobuhlobo obujabulisayo. Akukho mfihlakalo enkulu okufanele ixazululwe lapha. Uma ufuna ukwazi ukuthi abesifazane bazo zonke izigaba nobuntu badlula kuphi, funda futhi ulalele lokho abakushoyo. Kunjalo nangokuqonda amadoda.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Kunomehluko omkhulu endleleni amadoda nabesifazane abasebenza ngayo ebudlelwaneni, nendlela ababona ngayo ukusondelana nokuxhumana
- Sinezeluleko zobudlelwano zamadoda: Ungamhlonipha owesifazane ngokuqinisekisa ukuthi awumlandeli, ungayenzi ibe semthethweni imizwa yakhe, ungamfaki umoya, futhi uyamnaka. imvume yokuthandana
- Ukumzwela nokumazisa kuyokuyisa kude ebuhlotsheni bakho obujabulisayo
- Phila impilo ngokwethembeka futhi ukhombise ukwethembeka ebudlelwaneni bakho ngeke kusabonakala kuwumsebenzi onzima
- Ezinye izeluleko ezijulile zobudlelwane zamadoda ukwakha ubungane nomlingani wakho wesifazane, uvule isifuba kuye, futhi uzivumele nokuba sengozini nabantu abahlukene obathembayo.
- Yiba matasa ekugcineni uthando luphila
Wonke umuntu wesifazane uhlukile futhi uhlukile ngendlela yakhe. Ngakho-ke, ubudlelwano obulindelwe bungase buhluke komunye nomunye. Noma kunjalo, lesi sifinyezo seseluleko sobudlelwane ngokombono womuntu wesifazane sizokusiza ukuthi uhambe ngokunethezeka ezimweni ezingu-9 kwezingu-10. Ngaphambi kokuphuma ngemvume, uNandita wabelana ngezeluleko zobudlelwane bebhonasi zamadoda. "Insizwa ekwaziyo ukupheka izoshanela abantu besifazane ezinyaweni zabo."
Izinto Ezidida Izinto Ezenziwa Amantombazane - Lokho Amadoda Akuthola Kudida Ngabesifazane
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
