Kuyini I-Stonewalling Futhi Ungabhekana Kanjani Nakho?

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I-stonewalling ebuhlotsheni iyisibikezelo sesehlukaniso, ukuziphatha kwe-narcissistic ekugcineni. UMA ufuna ukwazi ukuthi yini i-stonewalling ebudlelwaneni izici zayo ezahlukene, futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nakho, usendaweni efanele. Sizobheka izindlela ezahlukene ozakwethu abangase bakushaye ngazo ngamatshe nokuthi ungadlula kanjani kulokho.

Ukuzikhukhumeza ebudlelwaneni kuyisinyathelo somuntu ozikhukhumezayo lapho omunye umlingani ehlukana nobudlelwano. Ukuhoxa komlingani kungakushiya uzizwa ungenamakhono futhi ungcolile ngawe futhi ucabange ukuthi kumelwe ukuba wenze okuthile kumlingani wakhe ukuze amkhukhumeze. Kungaholela ekungazethembi, enzondweni, nasekwanelisekeni, kamuva.

Umxazululi wamatshe uyeka ngamabomu ukukhuluma futhi ahlukane nanoma iyiphi ingxoxo engase ilethe izinkinga. Mhlawumbe leyo yindlela ababebona ngayo abazali babo lapho bexabana. Ukube bebenabazali abanobuthi abaphathana ngendlela efanayo, amathuba okuthi ukugoqa ngamatshe kuthathwa njengokujwayelekile kubantu abanjalo.

Mhlawumbe bakhuliswe ngaleyo ndlela lapho “uphelelwa yisikhathi” lapho izinto sezishuba kakhulu noma imizwa iba mikhulu kakhulu ukuthi ingacutshungulwa. Kungaba nezizathu eziningana zokuziphatha kwabo, kodwa kudinga ukushintsha ukuze ubuhlobo obunempilo nobujabulisayo bakheke ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Ake sibheke umqondo oyisisekelo wokwakha amatshe ebudlelwaneni kuqala ngaphambi kokudlulela kuzici zabo ezihlukene nokunye.

Iyini Ngempela I-Stonewalling?

Okuqukethwe

Kuyini ukugoba amatshe ebudlelwaneni? Ukugoba amatshe yilokho kanye okuzwakala ngakho – umuntu wakha udonga lwetshe oluzungezile ukuze asuse imicabango yesikhulumi. Umuntu otholakala ngokomzwelo angase abe ukugoba amatshe. Ngokuphatha kwakhe buthule, okuwuhlobo lokuhlukumeza ngokwako, umlingani uzama ukungazihlanganisi nanoma iyiphi ingxoxo.

Kungani abantu benza i-stonewall? Ngoba kusemqondweni womgeli wamatshe ukuthi konke okubi okwenziwa kubo akulungile futhi ukuthula kuyisijeziso salokho.

Futhi ngizokutshela ukuthi yini engalungile ngalokho? Ngaphandle kwakho konke?

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Ingqondo ekhohlisayo ngokuvamile ihilela ukuthi noma ebudlelwaneni bothando, umuntu udinga ukulawula umlingani wakhe ngokuzikhukhumeza ngokumisa noma yikuphi ukuxhumana ngamazwi noma ngokwengqondo naye ngenkathi izinto zishuba noma zingqubuzana. Lokhu kwenza umlingani azizwe sengathi wenze into embi kakhulu.

Kodwa lokho akulona iqiniso. Yazi ukuthi abantu abathanda ukuzikhukhumeza abakwazi ukulondoloza ubudlelwano.

Enye yezintombi zomngane wami yayivame ukumkhanda ngamatshe ngezinto ezincane. Futhi ngenkathi ekhanda ngamatshe, wayejwayele ukuzixakekisa ngomsebenzi - ofana nokwenza sengathi ufunda incwadi noma umatasatasa nokuhlanza igumbi. Ngelinye ilanga waze wathi, “Ngikuthulisa ngoba ungizwise ubuhlungu.” Lapho ebuzwa ukuthi kungani ekhetha ukungakuxoxi, wathi (futhi ngikukhumbula kahle njengosuku), “Wenze ubugebengu. Kufanele wenze isikhathi.”

I-stonewalling uhlobo lwesijeziso ngaphandle kwenduku. Kuwukuhlukumezeka emqondweni kumuntu othandana naye uma umjikijela ngamatshe.

Ingabe ukugoba ngetshe kuyisibonelo sokuziphatha kobudlova obungenamsebenzi ebudlelwaneni ? Yebo, ngokuphelele. Okubaluleke kakhulu, lokhu kuphathwa kobudlova obungenamsebenzi kubonisa indlela abantu abasebuhlotsheni abafanelwe ngayo ukugoba ngetshe nokugoba ngetshe. Abanye baze bakubheke njengokuhlukumeza ngokwengqondo. Kudala ukulimala kwengqondo kumuntu ogoba ngetshe ngoba umlingani wakhe unesizungu esingokomzwelo okumele asibekezelele.

Izimpawu ezi-5 zokuthi Ukhandwa ngamatshe Ebudlelwaneni

owesifazane ecabanga — Uboshwe ngamatshe ebudlelwaneni

Akulula ngaso sonke isikhathi ukuqonda ukuvala imizwelo okuyingxenye ye-stonewalling psychology. Umlingani wakho uvele ekhona kodwa akekho futhi awazi ukuthi wenzeni.

U-Rihanna noVivien babethandana unyaka ngaphambi kokuba banqume ukushada. UVivien wayengumuntu onamahloni, ongenandaba nowayevame ukukhetha ukuthula lapho kuvela izingxabano. U-Rihanna wacabanga ukuthi leyo kwakuyindlela yakhe yokuqinisekisa ukuthi ingxabano ayibi isimo esibi. Kodwa ngemva komshado, uRihanna waqaphela ukuthi ikhambi lazo zonke izinkinga ababebhekana nazo kwakuwukungasho lutho kukaVivien.

“Kwakucasula,” kusho uRihanna. “Uma ngithi sidinga ukuyolanda igilosa aziphathe sengathi akezwanga, uma ngithi kudingeka sithenge umuzi angangeni engxoxweni avele ahlehle amahlombe athi ngelinye ilanga.

UVivien wayekude ngokomzwelo, engavamile ukuxhumana noRihanna futhi kancane kancane waqala ukuzizwa eshadelwe odongeni. Ukuthula okwakukhona ngaphambili ngesikhathi sezingxabano, kwanwetshwa kukho konke empilweni.

Manje bheka, kungaba nezinzuzo zokuphatha buthule futhi uma kwenziwa ngomusa nangaphandle kwesidingo. Izimpawu zokubopha amatshe zizohlala zikhona uma uboshwe ebudlelwaneni. Sibala izimpawu ezi-5 lapha.

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1. Ama-Stonewallers awavuli nhlobo

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzama kangakanani ukuxhumana nomlingani wakho uzoba nomuzwa wokuthi kukhona abakushiyayo engxoxweni. Ubungazizwa sengathi kukhona ingxenye yabo ongayazi nhlobo. Kunezindlela ezahlukene zokunqoba izinkinga zokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni kodwa ngokuvamile kuba nzima kubantu abajwayele ukuxoshana.

Ama-Stonewallers awakhululekile ukuxoxa ngemizwa. Kungaba imizwa ngawe, ngabazali, ngezingane zakini, noma ngomsebenzi noma ozakwenu. Babekhuluma nawe kodwa uma ungena endaweni yokuzwakalisa imizwa babevala ngokushesha.

2. Ukuxosha ngokushesha

Uma uRihanna etshela uVivien ukuthi wesaba ukuthi umkhankaso wokudilizwa kwabasebenzi enkampanini yakhe uzomlahlekisela umsebenzi, ubezomane athi. “Akukho okufana nalokho okuzokwenzeka” bese kuqedwa kanjalo. Kwakungathi umyeni wakhe akamnaki nhlobo.

U-Rihanna waphatheka kabi lapho ukukhathazeka kwakhe kuchithwa ngokushesha futhi ezwa sengathi akekho njengomuntu. Kwamenza wazizwa njengomuntu omncane ebudlelwaneni babo futhi kwamphatha kabi lapho ephindaphinda.

3. Gwema ukuthintana emehlweni

Abantu abathanda ukubukela izinto eziyingozi bavame ukugwema ukuxhumana emehlweni. Uma ulindele ukuthi bakubheke ngokujulile emehlweni futhi bakhulume ngokufudumele, khona-ke wenza iphutha. Bazohlala bebheka kude bese bekhuluma. Kuye kwabonakala ukuthi ukukhangana kokuxhumana emehlweni kuyisici esibalulekile sobudlelwano futhi kusiza ekusondelaneni kangcono. Kwenzeka okuphambene nalokho lapho umlingani wakho egwema ukukubuka.

Ngesikhathi besathandana, u-Rihanna wayecabange ukuthi ukungabheki emehlweni kwakuwukubukeka kwefilosofi kaVivien futhi waze wakuthola kukuhle ngaleso sikhathi. Kodwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi wabona ukuthi yilokhu ayekubheka ukuze agweme ukubheka emehlweni.

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4. Abayiphenduli imibuzo

Bangase babuye ebusuku kakhulu emsebenzini futhi ngakusasa ungababuza etafuleni lasekuseni ukuthi kungani bephuze kangaka. Qagela ukuthi lowo umbuzo ojwayelekile umuntu oshade naye angawubuza.

Kodwa umdwebi wamatshe angavele aphephele engilazini yejusi nephephandaba futhi angaphenduli nowodwa umbuzo. Futhi lapho uthukuthela, uyovuzwa ngokuthula ngisho nangokwengeziwe. Lokhu kuwuphawu oluphelele lokuthi usebudlelwaneni nomuntu okhanda amatshe. Kudala imizwa yokunganakwa kanye nentukuthelo ngaphakathi kuwe engathatha ukucindezeleka okukhulu kwengqondo ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

5. Bahamba njalo

Uma ucabanga ukuthi ungasabela kanjani ekushayeni ngamatshe ungasala ucabanga unomphela. Ngoba ngokushesha nje lapho kuqubuka ingxabano, umdwebi wamatshe uyohlala ehamba futhi akujezise izinsuku ngokungakhulumi nawe.

Abagcini nje ngokubalekela izingxabano, kodwa futhi babalekela izinkinga nezinkinga okudingeka zixazululwe. Ukubaleka kuyindlela engcono kakhulu yomuntu othanda ukubulala. Lezi ezinye zezindlela ezilula kakhulu ezingabangela inzondo emshadweni wakho.

Ubhekana Kanjani Ne-Stonewalling?

Into yokuqala kuqala. Kulula ukujikijela umuntu ngamatshe uma ekujikijela ngamatshe. Njengendaba yomngane wami. Futhi i-NO-NO enkulu.

Kungani?

Ngoba i-stonewalling ingumnyakazo onzima. Isikhathi. Kufakazela ukubafundisa isifundo kubaluleke kakhulu kunokusheshisa nje njengabantu abadala. Ayivuthiwe futhi yonakalisa ngempumelelo i-vibe nomoya wawo wonke umuntu okwenza i-stonewaller ibe yinhlakanhlaka.

Ngenxa yokuthi umlingani wakho uthatha umgwaqo omncane, ogobile oya edolobheni lobudlelwano akusho ukuthi kufanele umlandele emzileni ongenampilo. Kungabangela ukuhlukana okuqhubekayo ebudlelwaneni bakho futhi kungase kuthathe umzila ongeke ukwazi ukubuya kuwo. Yini i-stonewalling ebudlelwaneni uma kungeyona into enobuthi? Ngaphandle kwalokho, kusiza nini ukulwa nesici esinobuthi? Ungalokothi.

Nansi indlela obhekana ngayo ne-stonewalling ebudlelwaneni.

1. Sinda kodwa ungazibandakanyi

Kulula ukukhanda ngamatshe umuntu okunikeza impatho yokuthula. Ungase uphindwe kabili imizamo yokukhanda umuntu ngamatshe ngoba okwenzekayo kuyabuya, akunjalo?

Hhayi, cha.

Phuma ekuthuleni kodwa ungabaphathi ngendlela abakuphatha ngayo. Ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni kungu-cha-cha. Ukuthi "screw you, angidingi shit yakho" kungu-cha-cha omkhulu. Ukuhlanganyela ekuklolodelweni nokusho izinto ezilimazayo kuyolimaza kakhulu ubuhlobo. Ukufunda ukusinda nokungazibandakanyi kungase kube nzima kodwa kuyindlela engcono.

2. Ungehli ngembobo yecala

Uma ukhonjwa ngamatshe, imizwa yentukuthelo, ubuhlungu, ukuhlukumeza nokudumazeka kungaba kuningi kakhulu. Ezikhathini ezinjengalezi, kubalulekile ukuthi uhlehle futhi uzihlolele ukuthi ingabe kukhona yini okwenzile ngempela ukuze ufanelwe yimpatho enjalo. I-stonewalling ekukhulumisaneni, uma kwenziwa ngezikhathi ezifanele, kungaba indlela engenalo ulaka yokubonisa ukucasuka kothile.

Uma unembeza wakho uhlanzekile, asikho isidingo sokuzizwa unecala. Akulona iphutha lakho umlingani wakho enquma ukuvala umlomo esikhundleni sokuxhumana.

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3. Bazise ngokungavumelani kwakho nalolu daba

Umlingani wakho ukhethe ukukukhaphela esikhundleni sokukhuluma ngesizathu sokuvalelwa kwakhe ngomlomo. Mtshele ukuthi uzizwa kanjani. Into efana nokuthi, “Kuyangizwisa ubuhlungu uma ungithulela” , ingasebenza izimanga. Futhi, “Mhlawumbe ukukhuluma ngakho kuzokwenza uzizwe ungcono?” Umlingani oqondayo angacabanga ngalokhu futhi asebenzele ekuthuthukiseni ukuxhumana ebudlelwaneni benu.

4. Sebenzisa isikhathi sakho

Esikhundleni sokuzizwa unenzondo, intukuthelo, ubuhlungu, kanye nokudumala (ngezinye izikhathi uziphindiselela), sebenzisa isikhathi sakho. Lesi "sikhathi sokuphumula" ebudlelwaneni singakudambisa umoya kodwa silandele isiqondiso sokungazizwa unecala futhi sisebenzise isikhathi ngendlela eyakhayo. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi lapho umlingani wakho ekubona ungathinteki yizithiyo zakhe, angase ayeke ukukuthulisa.

Ngezinye izikhathi impendulo elula yalokho okufanele ukwenze lapho umlingani wakho ekhanda ngamatshe iwukuba ungaweli ogibeni lwabo futhi ubageze ngokunaka nokukhathazeka. Kwesinye isikhathi, ukuqhubeka nosuku lwakho kwenza izimanga futhi.

5. Kusebenziseni nomlingani wakho

Babuze ukuthi kuzothatha isikhathi esingakanani udonga lwamatshe? Uma ungatholi mpendulo ecacile, bavumele bahambe. Ungavumeli imizwa yakho ikugubungele. Sebenzisa isikhathi sokuphumula ngokuxhumana nomndeni nabangane abaningi, uvakashele izindawo ongazitholi ukuvakasha kuzo ngoba umlingani wakho othanda udonga lwamatshe akakuthandi. Lahla noma yikuphi ukucasuka ebudlelwaneni bakho bese usebenzisa isikhathi ngokuhlakanipha njengoba ufisa.

Akufani nokuthi awunandaba nokuthi umlingani wakho ukunikeze impatho buthule. Kungaphezu kokuzinakekela uma ukhandwa ngamatshe; uhlobo lokuphazamiseka kukho.

6. Ngena nabo

Ngesikhathi unika umlingani wakho isikhala, xhumana naye. Akunasidingo sokumhlupha, into evamile nje ukuthi, “Unjani? noma “Singakhuluma ngakho uma uzizwa ungcono?” izokwenza. Kungukwazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi usekhona. Ngezinye izikhathi ukuba nesikhala somuntu siqu ebudlelwaneni kuyasigcina sihlangene.

Kuphinde kubaphushele ukudiliza izindonga futhi empeleni baqale ukuxhumana. Kuzobenza bazizwe bethandwa futhi bebalulekile ebudlelwaneni futhi kuzosebenza njengesikhuthazo kubo ukuthi babe nomusa futhi balalelisise.

7. Khetha ukuzibandakanya uma usulungile

Uma umlingani wakho eyeka ukuvalelwa kwakhe ngamazwi kodwa wena usabhekene nakho, qhubeka ngejubane lakho, beka isikhathi. Amahora ama-2? Izinsuku ezi-2, izinyanga ezi-2? Beka isikhathi bese unamathela kuso. Tshela umlingani wakho ukuthi: “Nginike izinsuku ezimbalwa zokucubungula lokhu” . Umlingani oqondayo uzoyihlonipha inqubo. Futhi mhlawumbe uzocabanga kabili ngaphambi kokukukhahla ngesikhathi esizayo. Ngokuthatha isikhathi sakho sokubhekana nempikiswano noma ukulwa, ngeke uthembele kumlingani wakho ukuthi anqume ukuthi uzokhuluma nini nokuthi uzokhuluma nini.

Ukuhlanganyela ngesikhathi esifanele — Abalingani bokuqonda bazoyihlonipha inqubo

8. Shiya imithwalo ngaphandle ngemva kokuphela kokwakhiwa kwamatshe

Ngemva kokuphela kokwakhiwa kwamatshe, kubalulekile ukubhekana nakho konke ukungezwani nokungezwani ebuhlotsheni. Ungakubheka njengokukhuphuka okuphezulu ebudlelwaneni bakho. Kubalulekile ukuthi ukuphathe njengesahluko sakudala futhi ungakuvezi ngokuzayo ngaphandle kwesizathu. Kuthathe njengokuphefumula okusha futhi usebenzele ukwakha ubudlelwano obunempilo nobunobudlelwano.

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I-stonewalling ibuthinta kanjani ubudlelwano?

Kuthiwa kunabamahhashi Abane abasho ukushabalala kobudlelwano. Lokho wukugxeka, ukudelela, ukuzivikela, nokukhanda ngamatshe. Ebukhoneni balezi zici ezine, bekungeke kuthathe isikhathi ngaphambi kokuthi ubudlelwano bube yizicucu.

Imiphumela yangemva kwe-stonewalling ingasho inhlekelele kobunye ubudlelwano. Ukunciphisa ukuxhumana ngamazwi akukaze kube isinyathelo esihlakaniphile sobudlelwano. Yingakho kufanele kusetshenzwe futhi kuqedwe ngomzamo wabo bobabili ozakwethu.

Ukuzikhukhumeza kungabangela ukusabela kukho okulimaza ubudlelwano. Umlingani ophelelwe yithemba angase enze noma asho into ebuhlungu ukuze nje ezwe umlingani wakhe ekhuluma naye futhi - izinto angase angaziphindi azithathe kamuva. Futhi izinto ezinjengalezi zingalimaza kakhulu ubudlelwano bakho futhi zingenye yezindlela ulaka olungena ngazo ebudlelwaneni.

Abanye abantu banomkhuba wokujikijela umlingani ngamatshe izinsuku ezimbalwa futhi lokhu kungase kwenze umlingani azizwe engathandwa futhi unganakekelwa. Izikhawu eziphindaphindiwe zalolu hlobo lokuwasha amatshe zingaholela umlingani ekutholeni uthando nothando kwenye indawo.

Baningi abantu asebengene ezikhundleni kodwa abazi nokuthi bangamatshe nokuthi ukuziphatha kwabo kunamthelela onjani kwabathandana nabo. I-Stonewalling ingaba umbulali othule wobudlelwano ngaphandle kokuthi ubunakekele.

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